Single Drunk Female - Season 1 Edit

A big job, all things considered, and I'm thriving.

A crystal ball or something?

A great future ahead of you, did you know that?

A lot more revealing than hearing the sound of voice.

A lot of money for that place, money that I was saving

A man that I respect and regret maiming.

A milkshake? No thanks.

A million people to stomp on our brand‐new wood floors.

A personal trainer, started reading a lot of Glennon Doyle,

A really good Thanksgiving.

A special today on sirloin strip.

A therapist or...

A very tiny amount of money.

Aah!

Aah! So good. Um, listen,

About all those texts that I sent you

About my first sober sexual experience.

Acronym.

Act really chill and we can meet behind the dumpsters?

Actually got in your trunk on the way here.

Actually, do what you want. I don't care.

Actually, Gail knows Samantha.

Actually, I think your next move should be

After Dad died. And I'm sorry

After the meeting.

After totaling my car, so no.

Again: known him since high school.

Ah, really?

Ah, that'd be great.

Ah, you know, my sister's

Ah.

Ah. So you have, like,

Ah. Thank you very much.

All good things.

All in the bodega, but I appreciate it.

All of those problems‐‐ your mom, the money,

All right, all about the meat.

All right, all right, small tent.

All right, but stop me at two.

All right, bye, Gail.

All right, don't get all Sad Sam

All right, I'll talk to you soon,

All right, let's see. You have, uh,

All right, let's take some new pics.

All right, now.

All right, okay.

All right, so most ballpark hot dogs

All right, suit yourself.

All right, that comes to $16.53.

All right, we can be the one good guy cult,

All right, we're gonna buzz the sides. And then,

All right, well, you know, I've got my process.

All right, will you will you just remember that for next time?

All right, yo, so we can keep our thing a secret,

All right?

All right?

All right? I go to work and then I come home and spend

All right? Look.

All right? Not your old self, uh, your new self.

All right? So be nice, please. Meaning...

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Fine.

All right. I get that. I get it.

All right. I'll try, but I ate a lot of chicken parm.

All right. I'm sorry.

All the time, and I I honestly, like, don't even know why.

All the time.

All will be revealed in the fullness of time.

All your program attendance, you paid your fines,

ALL: Hi.

Almost blinding my coworker.

Also really sorry about that time

Also, he is a she.

Also, I really loved drinking and writing, you know?

Also, if he were a serial killer I'm pretty sure

Also, it is St. Patrick's Day, and, ugh,

Although go easy on that, because... (vocalizes)

Although she would probably hit it now that she's

Although those fish are really...

Although... I did read Eminem is a sponsor,

Am I?

Am I?

Amen.

An amends is action.

An amends is rebuilding a bridge you blew up.

An asshole, and Zack's a little TikTok star.

An entire cup size from the injections.

An espresso martini, please. And thank you...

And a Coke and a shake and an ice cream sundae.

And a full‐time employee. I got real‐life shit on my mind.

And all that stuff, so that's cool.

And all the drugs all at the same time.

And all the normal feelings are coming back, like...

And also, we passed a parking lot back there,

And and by that I mean thank you for not firing me.

And and it just... it helps people get some...

And as part of your probation,

And ask them for deli meat.

And at Giovanni's. I mean...

And been, you know, my first day off in three weeks, so...

And change the title.

And complete driver's ed, because apparently,

And curling up with War and Peace.

And don't even get me started on the tatas.

And don't jump too hard on the floor. We just had them done.

And every STD right now.

And go on some pretty bad coffee dates,

And got dragged and...

And he asked me if I had any snacks.

And he might be just a little bit cooler.

And he's done all that work.

And he's wearing blades!

And healed my tibia and I discovered my‐my

And hitting large objects. Just know

And I appreciate that, okay? Why don't we go inside and talk?

And I can't miss it because I'm the speaker.

And I could've used a me.

And I don't remember anything about it, just the drinks.

And I don't want to do that, so...

And I don't... I don't ever want to do that to you again.

And I feel really bad about it. I'm‐I'm really sorry,

And I have a policy of not

And I kind of have to be a rules guys.

And I kind of thought the job was like a...

And I miss him.

And I miss you, too.

And I pregamed.

And I really appreciate it.

And I remember thinking

And I remembered, "Um, oh, yeah, I build houses."

And I thought Sasha could do this one from Le Petit Prince.

And I was extremely nervous.

And I was like, "You got it, kid." So...

And I was singing him his song...

And I will be right here.

And I‐I really appreciate that.

And I, uh, think it's working.

And I... and I'll see you another time, and if I don't,

And I'll bring it in to you.

And I'll have everything that she had,

And I'll tell them you're sick, and then

And I'm a subscriber to your podcast.

And I'm banned from all rideshares, so...

And I'm gonna go out with Tina and her crew.

And I'm gonna teach you

And I'm learning how to slice meat

And I'm not emotionally prepared for a thing right now.

And I'm not sure why I'm here.

And I'm so grateful

And I'm sober now, seven months.

And I've never been happier.

And if I end the day without giving in to the temptations

And if, you know, you feel lonely

And invited me to her stupid wedding.

And it is the same one from high school.

And it must be weird for you

And it'd be so fun.

And it's crushing all the air out of your lungs,

And it's too much.

And it's true, they‐they are around.

And it's, like, kind of a big deal, so...

And James, hey.

And keep it touch that way, or...

And let your higher power take care of the rest.

And let's, uh, let's get something on the books.

And Lucas is, too. He was just promoted

And make sure that your body isn't gonna reject the tissue.

And meet my ghost roommate.

And money laundering,

And my ex best friend finally saw the light

And my mom and I could sit several seats apart, and it...

And New York? Bzzzzzzzzzz?

And nobody knows what digital means anyway.

And none of it is ours.

And not remember how it got there.

And now I'm gonna swell up like a bullfrog

And now she's very rich.

And now that's in the rearview, right?

And now you want to talk about dad.

And obviously a huge waste of time,

And obviously that's not the only reason

And on herself. Uh, any other thoughts?

And on the weekend I hang out with Vinny and the boys.

And our daily lives are the hallucination,

And our problems with champagne.

And pay her rent on time.

And pick up your St. Paddy's Day treats.

And places that we find triggering right now.

And plus, like, everyone's so into women.

And Pokémon asked me if I was a boy or a girl,

And relive that night I have absolutely no memory of.

And Sam's actually in there.

And secondly, you've had enough to drink.

And she could use a boost. And...

And she moved into digital, and... you know,

And sometimes you just know.

And spent $40 on club sodas.

And take a little vacation from thinking about Samantha

And that chicken will say everything better

And that corporation is all about "accountability."

And that could be you.

And that plus what I owe the city‐‐ well, it's a lot.

And that, my friend,

And that's what threw me.

And the camaraderie, and the, um...

And the Lord said... (chuckles)

And the wind kind of blew it right back in my face.

And their hair and makeup, so... they...

And then adjust your expectations accordingly.

And then here you are, and ev...

And then just got out of the way right before it came?

And then just more shots 'cause it's fun.

And then saying maybe. It...

And then that person stops.

And then they are grilled.

And then we'll just never get back to it.

And they are on trial.

And they get judgy when they don't have fancy cheese.

And they will start showing up for you.

And this dress is the calling from the universe

And this is biodynamic, so it basically

And this is, uh,

And this is... Off Our Docs.

And this one time I took a little bit of my friend's

And to me as well.

And treating me like shit at the time, and...

And very nice. I like it.

And wait until after the ceremony,

And watch some mindless TV with you.

And we're back where we were when she came here?

And what if she gets it?

And when I put my hand down there...

And when you're back I need you to cover for Doris.

And why would you do that without asking me first?

And with that job, you're gonna pay me rent.

And write something. Tonight.

And you didn't tell me?

And you don't need to solve this problem right now.

And you even like it. Hot twist.

And you guys have been broken up for a long time.

And you have to ask way in advance...

And you know at the end, when you land and you run

And you look beautiful.

And you shove it up under the skin,

And you take a stick of butter

And you, ma'am?

And you, uh, you loved this place,

And you're not looking for a father for your kid.

And your history, you're not actually

And your right leg, and then you just lean in...

And your sobriety.

And your time in New York and working

And‐and one day write an autobiography of a trash bag,

And, like I said‐‐

And, like, there's so much love

And, of course,

And, uh, code away, man. I got you.

And, uh, once in the bathroom.

And, uh, these amends‐‐ they're just like

And, uh... boy, do I have it.

And, uh... Oh, yeah.

And, um, I can't ask my mom

And, um, I just wish my dad could be here,

And, um...

And, um...

And, while we're getting things off our chest...

And, yeah, to the rest of my sober and non sober posse,

And, you know, I think they're serving the wrong apps.

And, you know, women shouldn't

And?

And...

And... I just don't really want to.

And... I mean,

ANGELINE: Oh my God, do you remember the funnel cake

ANGELINE: Okay, Kate.

ANGELINE: What do you think about this one?

Annalisa and I are honored that you, uh, graced us

ANNALISA: James.

Another one?

Any white round thing that vaguely resembles a toilet.

Any word from James?

Anyone can be an alcoholic. It's a disease.

Anyone? On the book?

Anyone's living a life?

Anything.

Anyway, here's your paycheck.

Anyway, it's very funny, it's extremely cute.

Anyway, make yourselves at home,

Anyway, uh, yeah, that's it.

Anyway, uh...

Anyway, um, I'm telling you this so you don't feel so alone.

Anyway, we have to go quick or she'll kill me. What's up?

Anyway, what do you like to do?

Apologies don't have "buts." Sam, I just...

Apparently, alcoholism is a disease,

Approved your pre‐trial probation.

Are being scooped up and mashed together

Are either steamed or grilled,

Are the actual reality

Are the drugs laced with drugs?

Are the Irish of the East.

Are they cute? They better be cute.

Are to die for.

Are we alone?

Are we, uh...

Are you apologizing to me?

Are you okay? How'd it go?

Are you okay? What what happened?

Are you se You peed in that?

Are you sorry about the hat or the marrying my ex?

Are you taking the Orange Line?

As an excuse to drink more.

As her mother,

As long as they're not vegan.

As one of the best readings, but fine,

As saying that rule blows.

As we speak, I mean, he's not haunting me or anything.

Asked me to come and pitch that sobriety app.

At a job.

At Club 24/7.

At his job to manager at the cell phone store.

At least say something first, right?

At that website Bzzzzzzzzzz.

At the Pellegrino table.

At the time, "She needs a deep thinker."

At your dad's shiva,

Aw, you never let me have my way with your locks.

Awesome, yeah. I will definitely be there. Thank you.

Babe, can you get the playlist ready?

Baby love, I'm gonna tell Samantha

Baby, the doctor said not to lift anything.

Baby, we just need two more minutes.

Baby, who cares? You're gonna be pregnant.

Barbara... Oh.

Basically Spanx with an open flap in my undercarriage.

Basically, I need money. Like, a lot of it.

Be a better friend to you.

Beaded, tulle, slutty thing.

Because everybody wants to have some wine at night.

Because I can control my drinking when I want to.

Because I don't know if I can keep saying no to you.

Because I got a big promotion.

Because I had weed at a party in high school

Because I thought it was a nice thing to do.

Because I'm...

Because if I approve of you, then...

Because it was your suggestion.

Because it's clean. Okay, it's not. It's...

Because it's her bachelorette party,

Because look at our beautiful friend.

Because men let things slide

Because of your past behavior and...

Because she looks like you.

Because you can do that from... from anywhere.

Because you can't drive a car and you threw up

Because you haven't made her a part of it yet.

Because you might actually be good at this.

Because you were always having a threesome with booze.

Because you're fired.

Because you're gonna catch the meat.

Because you're kind of untouchable

Because your mom speaks so... so very highly of you.

Because, even if it sucks,

Because...

Been following you for months.

Been hit with some unexpected expenses,

Beer pong. Winner gets the keys.

Before they realize it's gone.

Before you got home.

Being a bit less of an asshole.

Being awesome.

Believe me, I do not care about overcrowding at fish farms.

Besides, if we don't like it, we just leave.

Besides, the whole fairy‐tale wedding thing

Between Andrew and Phil?

Big day.

Big‐time. Big‐time listener.

Big, fat, skinny, Scandinavian.

Biggest cell phone store at the mall.

Biologically connected to them.

Bitter.

BOB (in distance): Hello, hello, hello!

BOB (muttering): Four, five, six.

Bob, this is Joel,

BOB: Ah, look at you two,

BOB: And a little more for me. Oh.

BOB: Oh. Okay, got it.

BOB: Seven, eight, fifteen. Nice.

BOB: Yes, we are actually on our way out.

Bob. Bob Wolcowicz.

Bob's moving in.

Boundaries.

Boy boyish and...

BRIAN: So, basically,

Bringing a nice guy helps.

Brit invited me to her wedding.

Brit said that I should find you.

BRIT: I‐I texted her.

BRIT: It's just, you know, I‐I don't

BRIT: Land.

BRIT: No, no.

BRIT: Sam?

BRIT: We're dancing, right now.

BRIT: What?

BRIT: Yeah?

Bro, you are only getting these keys if you play us.

Brring, brring, brring! Points.

Brush your teeth, take a shower.

Buddy. Okay. (short chuckle)

But a little tired. Are you just getting off?

But also a virgin who kinda knows what she's doing.

But be my Connie Britton and just give me this five...

But Boston Bangers are boiled first,

But Carol would be so upset if I was

But do you see how that's not two people?

But don't judge me for having some wine at night,

But drugs is where the money is.

But got to get this back to the bakery

But great energy here.

But honestly, just knock yourself out,

But I am, uh... I'm really happy

But I do that because it's you.

But I don't know why. It's like

But I don't want to watch this anymore. Hey, bud.

But I figured since they won't give me your cell phone number,

But I got myself a hot dog

But I have that...

But I I cannot write without alcohol.

But I never turn down a charcuterie.

But I think it's gonna be fine.

But I want you to know...

But I was recognized in an H&M once.

But I was still recognized, all right?

But I'll slot you in for a few extra shifts next week.

But I'm getting something.

But I'm pretty sure you're feeling anger.

But I'm sure she could help you out just this once.

But I'm up next. Her eggs, my womb.

But I'm, I'm not worried, you're more worried about it than I am.

But if it makes you feel any better,

But if you could just let me explain to you what...

But if you did, you'd know that I graduated

But it could be now, you know?

But it couldn't be that hard to learn. (laughs)

But it doesn't have to.

But it is better than this garbage. Also,

But it is taking a hot minute.

But it was just conversation.

But it's a solution for those

But it's time, right?

But just with, like, one more.

But let me just be clear about me saying that.

But now it's just us, and last year was brutal.

But seeing as I haven't heard from her,

But some people say that the Polish

But taxis still take cash, so...

But thanks for offering.

But that judge‐‐ he overruled me.

But that's not a problem for you 'cause you had a bad girl phase

But the cash and prizes don't all come at once, so,

But then I figured nobody's ever gonna sleep in there again,

But then, I mean...

But there‐there is a... there is a disco ball.

But they didn't.

But this Thanksgiving

But today is the day of my people.

But we don't have a money‐making strategy,

But we have a tracking component

But we're here to talk about you.

But when you're on the clock,

But yeah, basically.

But you brought me here.

But you can stay if you like.

But you can't leave in the middle.

But you cannot see them as adults.

But you keep practicing, okay? You got this.

But you know that I got your back.

But you know what they say,

But you know what, if you need anything at all,

But you know, not in a mean way.

But you should definitely submit it somewhere smarter.

But you should just talk to her.

But you very rarely let that show,

But you were my best friend, so that was like,

But you're coming to my sober dance party, right?

But you're not a walking nervous system anymore,

But you're not skipping town without me.

But, good to know.

But, I mean, it's a little true, right?

But, knowing me, I'm sure they weren't great.

But, ooh, you would love that, wouldn't you?

But, to be fair, you were dating my ex

But, uh, yes. I... Let's do it.

But, um... this is great.

But, you know expensive, so...

But...

But...

But... with a near‐death experience.

By security guards?

By shop you mean your vagina?

By some real piece of work, and then

Call yourself sick.

Calling me last night, scream‐crying?

Can I go up there?

Can I have a small black coffee, please.

Can I help you with your cell phone bill?"

Can I just see a gas bill?

Can I just talk to Sam?

Can I see? Bob wears them. They help his back.

Can I?

Can we get back in line now? 'Cause I lost my spot.

Can we help you?

Can you believe that? I mean,

Can you go now, please? Because I'm tired

Can you go?

Can you imagine? Yeah. Yeah. Come on, it'll be fun.

Can you not... can we not on the seat?

Can you use your imagination for a second?

Can't tell if you're excited or terrified.

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Care to elaborate?

Carol, just talk to her.

CAROL: All right, that's enough.

CAROL: I'm sure you are, and welcome.

CAROL: Isn't he cute?

CAROL: Right. Sam

CAROL: Sam, don't eat that.

CAROL: So, Giovanni's.

CAROL: Use the

CAROL: You don't know what you're capable of now.

CAROL: You know what? I...

Carol! Hey!

Carol. Hi.

Celine. (whoops)

Chat with the girl who's marrying your ex.

Check in with you every month now?

CHILD: You're my best friend.

Clarity on some stuff.

Closing! You don't have to go home...

Come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here.

Come here, man.

Come in. Why not?

Come on in. Make yourself comfortable.

Come on up.

Come on, are you serious?

Come on, it's not technically free.

Come on, she doesn't get any of this stuff.

Come on, step on up.

Come on, Zack, we'll get you some ice cream, okay?

Come on. This is the final boss battle.

Come on. You guys have been together a long time.

Come to the dance party. It'll be fun."

Consulted with you on that.

Cool chair, right?

Cool leggings.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Cool. Okay, let's do it.

Cool. So, what are you guys doing today?

Cool. Well, I look forward to hearing from you guys...

Correct.

Could you give us a second?

Could you just not do the whole victimy thing right now?

Couldn't sleep?

Covered in crappy tattoos.

Crap.

Cupid Shuffle.

Dad?

Dad...

DANIELLE: Bye!

DANIELLE: Oh, you can see right through that.

DANIELLE: Yes. I may be drunk,

DEEJAY (over P. A.): And we have a birthday here today.

Definitely did not think you could do it.

Despite what you may have heard or witnessed,

Destruction of personal property,

Dicks.

Did I tell Jordan? No! Again, not my boyfriend.

Did you come here on purpose?

Did you drink today?

Did you get my Venmo?

Did you get that order, ma'am?

Did you give my daughter money?

Did you have to dress like an alcoholic, though?

Did you just say you have a disease?

Did you just talk about me the whole time?

Didn't realize this was, like, a Runaway Bride situation.

Didn't the whole situation make you want to drink?

Didn't want to name her, 'cause that would've been creepy.

Digital.

Digital. It's online, it's computers.

Dinner was good.

Dispatches from the trenches.

Do I have to, like, write a letter to the governor, or...?

Do I have yours?

Do you ever think...

Do you guys actually like this?

Do you have a few minutes to talk, Mom?

Do you have another bride coming in, or...

Do you have to be anywhere, like,

Do you know anyone or any place, um...

Do you know how insane that is?

Do you know what a sponsor does?

Do you know what time it is?

Do you know where the tortillas are?

Do you really think

Do you think I should go through with it?

Do you wanna talk?

Do you want this?

Do you want to go back to your apartment?

Do you want to go to the couch?

Do you want to hear it again or do you want to go mingle?

Do you want to know my dorkiest secret to staying sober?

Do you, um...

Does he, like, does he smell bad or...?

Does that make him my boyfriend?

Doesn't actually count as alcohol.

Doesn't make me a bad person.

Doesn't mean that you can take advantage of me.

Doing it with Bob this morning.

Don't be a blame hog.

Don't be afraid to succeed.

Don't be dramatic. It was 12 years old.

Don't be yourselves, ha ha, ha ha...

Don't call me next week asking me where your mortgage is.

Don't drink.

Don't drink.

Don't drink. I want to drink."

Don't even worry... I didn't say anything.

Don't flatter me, Samantha.

Don't leave. I'll get you a pair.

Don't let her date Pierce Brosnan,

Don't look at me. I can't wait to freak the hell out.

Don't make me call whoever you call in this situation.

Don't really want to hold your hand either,

Don't rush it.

Don't rush it.

Don't smile at me, just leave.

Don't stomp on the floor.

Don't tell me any more things or I'm gonna back out.

Don't want to end up passed out, drooling

Don't worry. I got you.

Don't you feel more chill already?

Don't... don't listen to him. He's...

DORIS: Okay, so, look.

Down two more shots, you open it,

Downstairs, waiting to take photos of you,

Drama in the book club.

Drop your hand.

Dry British crime drama out.

Dude, dude!

Duh. But I...

Eat whatever you want.

Eh, it's either this or 90‐Day Fiancé.

Eight, sixteen...

Enjoy the snacks and water.

Enjoy.

Epic?

Especially for you, he's perfect.

Espresso martini, thank you.

Even though I think I would have been really good at it.

Even though you definitely should have.

Even when I'm technically not on the schedule

Even when you're stone‐cold sober?

Ever again, okay?

Every morning, I have a green tea, which you sobers love,

Every single spare minute planning our wedding.

Every version of Pride and Prejudice ever made.

Everybody be cool. This is Sam Fink,

Everyone tells the person who's drinking

Everything you wrote then was so wonderful?

Everything's not always about you.

Exactly. Even if you don't know you're causing trauma, you are.

Except for this whole end bit, which was terrible.

Except I can't figure out where to stash Uncle Phil.

Excuse me.

Fair enough. (clears throat)

Fairly impressed with myself.

Featuring me, because I am an expert.

Feel like I could just get sober real quick.

Feel like this is exactly right.

Felicia, do you want to have, uh, cake

Felicia, stop with the mafia act.

Felicia, thank you for not giving up on me,

Felicia, you can't just leave me here.

FELICIA: Buckle up, Zack.

FELICIA: I really wish I was naked.

FELICIA: I'm so proud of you.

FELICIA: Me too.

FELICIA: That's a terrible idea.

Fiddle‐leaf fig. The dream.

Figure out the money stuff.

Fine as in F I N E?

Fine.

Fired?

First time?

First you, you pat it dry.

Fit 13 years of being a total asshole into 30 minutes.

Floofy and stuff? Girl, you look like that.

Focus on the fun parts and don't worry about the sad stuff.

Focus on who's gonna be in your vag, right?

Football tackles at sober parties.

For a child before you even start.

For a little bit? Well, I fell over instead

For a relationship, just the sexy fun times.

For as long as I can.

For for Thanksgiving or anything like that?

For like a year, and I'm gonna get jawline breakouts.

For me and my friend...

For money again, 'cause she'll own me, so...

For more than a signature, give me a call.

For my neck lift, which now I can't have because of you.

For real?

For the record, I did not like that, though.

For the record, I, I don't really care.

For this Samantha.

For you being drunk every day and showing up to work?

For you to put on a chair

For you.

For you.

For... being recovered?

For... I was...

Forever and ever in perpetuity.

Four dollars a pop? For this?

Four hours, then rifle through your sock drawer.

Freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional?

Freeze her in time and hold on to her

Friday, I'm going to meet with my sponsor and she will

From pissing off your parents, I would

Funnel cake I have ever had.

Gail is her probation officer.

GAIL: I don't know what I'm doing here,

Gallery openings, plays, interactive experiences,

General office assholes. You know, the kinda people

GEORGE: Dig in. Let's start with this leg.

GEORGE: Why don't we start by just saying

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, my boy James here

Get a sitter, I got to move a bunch of shit around,

Get me blacked out at Molly Malone's, right?