Funny Farm Edit

A bird's nest right outside my writing room window.

A book I wrote.

A bridge nearly killed us.

A casino?

A check for $5,000 made out to you?

A children's book? Oh, a children's book.

A circuit judge will be here next month...

A mosquito.

A rental?

A toast to the Farmers. We'll miss you or my name isn't...

Absolutely. Twice a day.

Ah!

All right, then.

All right.

All right. All right. Okay.

All right. Good.

All right. Yeah.

Also, a bonus of $50 each...

Also, we just had the floors done so I don't want scratches and sc****s.

Always a Redbudian.

An editor would have stopped reading after the first paragraph.

And basically, we've seen those hopes and dreams...

And he's still going.

And I know that you will show the new owners, whoever they may be...

And I wanna drop in on Mrs. Dinges.

And I want a divorce.

And I want more than a rebate. I want a goddamn refund!

And I've been working for the Redbud Gazette.

And it isn't over yet.

And it's encouraged me to try harder and do better. For that, I thank you.

And moving to some quiet little town in the country...

And so, my friends, a toast.

And that they too will grow to love this town and this house...

And that's what we want from you.

And then today when I collected the mail, there was an envelope...

And they lived to an average age of 29.

And to be honest with myself, I probably never will.

And, look, the ducks are still here.

Andy will be thrilled.

Andy, have we made a terrible mistake?

Andy, honey, let me read this at home. I can't I can't even

Andy, look out!

Andy, that's your third order.

Andy?

Andy?

Andy.

Andy.

Andy. Andy, honey.

Andy...

Andy's with the government.

Any other problems, just let me know.

Any sign of them?

Anything else?

Anyway, I acted like a fool and I apologize.

Are you nuts? What were you honking at?

Are you serious?

Are you there? Okay.

As a novelist, I turned out to be a pretty good sportswriter.

As soon as the movers arrive and unload, we'll zip into Redbud...

As the current lamb fry record holder...

As the heir apparent to your Giants season tickets...

As usual, I weeded out...

Be civil.

Be that as it may, Andy, there's no telephone in this kitchen.

Because I thought you might feel a little bit jealous or threatened.

Become part of the community.

Before leaving New York...

Being a fake is what I do best.

Believe me, Mrs. Farmer, I know.

Betsy and I wanna sleep on it...

Bill Benden.

Boys, take him over to the cemetery and I'll see that he gets a proper burial.

Bud's going to write a novel.

Bugs...

Burn it.

But be careful, they're on loan from Mrs. Dinges' antique shop.

But before we go, I have something for you.

But for one reason or another, I never followed that dream.

But how did you know?

But I bet those are just the things we come to love the mo

But I wouldn't go that way if I were you.

But I'm really gonna be sorry to see the Farmers go.

But I'm saving it for later.

But it'll cost you.

But it's gonna take a little effort on our parts.

But one thing we had right.

But seriously, this is really great and...

But supposing you had to?

But the squirrel, Andy, he's the main character, isn't he?

But this time, turn right where the old Hollenshed barn used to be.

But we decided to make good on the $50 bonuses...

But you are, Andy.

By the time he gets all the way out to here, he's pretty well liquored up and pissed off.

Call the movers. I'm not spending another night in this house.

Careful, boy.

Check for any suspicious vehicles or persons in the area.

Christ! Get it off!

Citizens of Redbud.

Claude used to alley cat around town with a widow named Dorita Freeburger.

Close your eyes and try to get some sleep.

Close your eyes.

Come back! Dog!

Come down here, Andy! Hurry!

Come here, look at this.

Come here.

Come here.

Come on, Betsy. Let's get the hell out of here.

Come on, come on.

Come on, let's go inside.

Come on, let's go. One more.

Come on, Redbud!

Come on, what do you say?

Come on! Come!

Come on! Get over here and push. Now!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Put it in there.

Come up and look at it. It's great stuff.

Damn.

Darling, the Culbertsons are here.

Deposit 20 cents in the slot and I'll complete your call as requested.

Didn't expect you so soon. Andrew Farmer. Excuse the mess.

Didn't he submit a book about four poker buddies knocking over a casino?

Dirk, what is our charge for excavating mortal remains?

Disconnect. Vulgar and abusive language, that's an automatic disconnect.

Do you have any idea what time it is?

Do you mind if I ask why you're moving?

Does it work?

Does the sheriff always ride around in a taxi?

Dog!

Doing some ice fishing tonight. Pulling some nice size pike out of the lake, I hear.

Don't ask me. I'm the assistant.

Don't be strangers now, you hear?

Don't forget your pal, Andy!

Don't get your hopes up, Ray.

Don't look.

Don't try to deny it. I stepped on the core!

Don't worry.

Don't you have a dog?

Elizabeth and I have made a commitment.

Elizabeth, meanwhile, has had two new books published.

Elizabeth?

Elizabeth?

Elizabeth?

Everybody gather around.

Everything else was lost in the explosion.

Everything just seems to be going wrong.

Everything will work out. You'll see.

Excuse me.

Fine. Great.

First...

First...

Five thousand, is that much for a first book?

Follow me.

For $4,000, we could have had him stuffed and mounted over the fireplace.

Four thousand dollars?

Four thousand dollars?

Frankly, I don't see how any of this is our respons

From Hufnagel and...

From the picnic basket.

Gather around, everybody.

Gee. Sorry, Marion.

Get Elizabeth! Elizabeth!

Get an ambulance.

Get out of here.

Getting through to Redbud is no easy business.

Give it a chance.

Give me a kiss.

Go ahead, open it.

Go ahead. Read. Read.

Go back, go back, go back!

Go back, go back, go back.

Go back.

Go, go, go.

Go.

Good choice.

Good day to you folks.

Good job, Redbud.

Good sports writers are hard to find.

Good!

Great. Have fun.

Happy anniversary, sweetheart.

Happy anniversary.

Have you no shame? Have you actually sunk this low?

Haven't you been listening?

Having the last word's real important around here.

He He just startled me, that's all.

He gets run over by a truck at the end of the first book.

He has some funny misadventures and he makes all kinds of mistakes...

He knew how people looked, what they did, how they dressed.

He says the house is no longer for sale.

He says we've decided to stay.

He says...

He won't hurt you, dear. He's stuffed.

He would come home from a hard day on the railroad...

He'll be back before the preseason ends, if he goes at all.

He'll bleed to death.

He's beautiful. I love him. Thank you.

He's probably out somewhere scaring up game.

He's what gave me the idea to write the book in the first place.

Heading south for the winter?

Hell of a dog.

Hello, sheriff. What is it?

Hello, Yellow Dog.

Hello?

Hello?

Here they come.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Here, honey.

Here, take this.

Here?

Hey, fellas!

Hey, hey. Get away from those ducks.

Hey, honey?

Hey, look.

Hey, Mac. Which way to Redbud?

Hey, Mom, this is fun!

Hey, there's our movers.

Hey, wait. Stop, go back.

Hey, what is this?

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Dog!

Hey! Fella, hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Andy?

High level position.

Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas. Ho, ho, ho.

Hold it. Wait a minute here.

Hold on, now, Mrs. Farmer. Did we hear some mention of money?

Hon, you know you don't enjoy this sort of thing.

Honest.

Honey, we ate hours ago.

Honey! Oh, God, are you all right? Oh, I'm sorry.

Honey.

Honey.

Hot. Hot.

How about that, Elizabeth? We own ducks.

How are you doing?

How could you do something so pathetic and underhanded?

How could you get lost? I drew you a map!

How do I look?

How do you like it so far?

How nice.

How'd you know my name was Mac?

How's it going?

I am hooked, Elizabeth. Call me Mr. Lamb Fries.

I am right, it is prettier.

I believe Claude had a mule that's still unaccounted for.

I believe he's right. I believe that record will fall tonight.

I bet I could reach in there with my bare hands and pull out a fish.

I call them as I see them. He's got the ball here

I can almost see him in it now. I don't believe...

I could do that.

I didn't have any change.

I didn't hear anything.

I didn't know. That's wonderful. Congratulations.

I didn't pack anything.

I don't know what I was doing.

I don't wanna move either.

I don't wanna move. I like it here.

I don't work! I don't sleep!

I got it.

I got one.

I got something here for you, Mrs. Farmer.

I guess that made Eula mad enough to stuff Claude in this...

I guess that means you don't like it.

I guess there's a lot we'll have to get used to around here.

I guess we better bill them by the pound.

I have a contract. Says if you're late, you get a rebate. Well, you guys are late.

I have an announcement to make.

I have good news, Andy.

I have good news.

I have in front of me a manuscript...

I have some ideas for a second story I wanna get down before they fly out of my head.

I hope this won't take too long.

I just bought it.

I knew Eula would get the last word in somehow.

I knew you should've explained these things better in the menu.

I know I was. I'm sorry.

I know it, you know it, and Yellow Dog knows it!

I know the sound of two pennies being dropped into a jelly jar when I hear it.

I know things haven't gone completely according to plan so far.

I love the country.

I love the sound of Christmas carolers.

I love you.

I may not be a sentimental man...

I must have covered 10 square miles.

I only hooked him in the neck, I'm not trying to kill him.

I ordered that phone in writing a month in advance. I paid a $50 deposit.

I think it's a sparrow, Andy.

I think it's gonna be a sneak attack.

I think they must live here, Andy.

I thought I saw an apple.

I thought I was your inspiration.

I thought I'd try my luck at the pond, maybe catch us some lunch.

I thought it was a nice touch.

I thought it was, you know, action adventure.

I thought of that.

I thought that record was gonna last forever.

I thought we could use a night away from home.

I thought you'd wanna give him the best burial money could buy.

I was just about to take a run to your place.

I was just wondering what's in store for Andy next.

I wonder how long it would take for an ambulance to reach us out here.

I would like to propose a toast too, if I may.

I wrote it out longhand on legal pads.

I'd call it a bargain. He got the most scenic plot in Memorial Cemetery.

I'd say the worst is behind you now, but be careful where you dig in the future.

I'll be right back.

I'll get them.

I'll just put it right over here on the table for you, sir.

I'll make an effort.

I'll take it up with my husband the moment he dries out.

I'm a son of a bitch.

I'm glad to help out, fellas.

I'm going fishing.

I'm gonna do a little fishing.

I'm gonna kill you for this.

I'm leaving.

I'm Michael Sinclair.

I'm not giving up!

I'm sorry about the way I behaved last night.

I'm sorry about this.

I'm sorry, Brock. It's for your own good.

I'm sorry. I know. You can't read while I'm here.

I'm taking the truck into town. I need some supplies.

I'm taking this truck and I'm moving in with Mrs. Dinges!

I'm willing to concede that our marriage has been just a series of mutual betrayals.

I've been dealing with writers for 15 years.

I've been looking for you, Mrs. Farmer. Can I speak to you for a minute?

I've done a lot of things I'm ashamed of lately, Elizabeth.

I've got stuff down on paper, right in my house.

Ice fishing?

If I can't make a friend, I'll goddamn buy one.

If I was going to Dog Creek Road, I sure as hell wouldn't start from here.

If the owner is on vacation, I try the locks.

If you come to get me, I'll be ready!

If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

In the first 20 pages alone, I counted three flashbacks, one flash forward...

Is everything going well in Redbud?

Is it alive?

Is Mr. Farmer there?

Is this a comedy?

Is this what you wanna do with your life?

Isn't it perfect, Elizabeth?

Isn't it wonderful? I sold a book.

It fell out.

It is. It's all three.

It might be the piece of evidence that gets me off a murder charge.

It sure likes to run.

It was the combination of the two.

It'll be all right. Ma, is he dead?

It'll go much faster on the typewriter. That is, if you don't mind, of course.

It's 1:00 in the afternoon, Andy.

It's a fish out of water story.

It's about a squirrel from Central Park who falls asleep in a delivery truck...

It's all classified.

It's all my fault. I've been so busy writing, I didn't realize how cooped up you've been.

It's all those flashbacks. You never know when anything is taking place.

It's been a dream of ours for a long time, moving out to the country.

It's burning now, okay?

It's burning!

It's caught on me! Elizabeth!

It's good? You really think it's good?

It's her traditional rum nut plum raisin cake of the season.

It's in the great tradition of...

It's itemized.

It's my novel, Elizabeth. The Big Heist.

It's no problem at all. Happy to do it.

It's not the novel, but it shows I've been working. I think you'll like it.

It's on the second floor, last room on the left.

It's only for one night.

It's over. It's over, man.

It's perfect.

It's perfect. It's just what we're looking for.

It's the only way to get the hooks out.

It's them.

It's very hard for Elizabeth and me to say farewell.

Ivy's is open. Hungry, Bud?

Jeez!

Jesus, Brock, I'm sorry!

Juice is on.

July is seven months away.

July would be better for me.

Just guessed.

Just initial that offer on the bottom, Andy, and we'll call it a deal.

Just keep pushing. You'll see.

Just moved up from New York.

Just remember, Mrs. Farmer, when you buy a house...

Just take it easy on the floors, okay?

Just when I started to enjoy myself.

Last on the agenda, Elizabeth and Andy Farmer have requested permission...

Leave it to me, Andy and Elizabeth. I'll ram this project home.

Let me have a try.

Let's get out of here.

Let's get the batter up.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Let's just forget about the deadline.

Let's see Memorial Cemetery bill me now.

Listen to me. This is Elizabeth Farmer.

Listen.

Little piece of heaven, isn't it, Bud?

Look at him go.

Look at them. Study them.

Look at these. These are even better.

Look at this guy's name.

Look, I know all of this must seem crazy, but you'll just have to trust me on this.

Look.

Looks like we got trouble here.

Lotterhand, what day is it?

Ma'am, could I trouble you for a shovel and some plastic GLAD Bags?

Made a lot of mistakes. I don't wanna make another one.

Mail, Mr. Farmer.

Marion, when's the next available court date?

May I ask what the point of this is?

May I have your attention, please?

May I know what we're doing?

May I present Mr. and Mrs. Culbertson?

Maybe now we can eat.

Maybe this.

Maybe you'll find a use for it someday.

Me? Are you kidding?

Merely an advance...

Merry Christmas, folks. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Andy.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Mickey?

Mine's on the porch. You can have it now. Close your eyes.

More lamb fries. Eat them while they're hot.

Most folks just don't seem to have a taste for testicles no more.

Move to carry. The town of Redbud will seek official accreditation...

Moving to the country was the best decision we ever made.

Mrs. Dinges' antique shop.

Mrs. Farmer, are you there?

Mrs. Farmer, Mrs. Petree asked me to bring this over to you.

Mrs. Farmer, you're beginning divorce proceedings...

Mrs. Farmer?

Mrs. Farmer? Mrs. Farmer?

My advice is...

My book!

My friends...

My name is Michael Sinclair.

My wife, Elizabeth.

My wife's gonna come down Ah!

My writing room. Tell me what you think.

Nice try, Mr. Farmer.

No one gets paid for this shit.

No peeking.

No phone.

No phone. They didn't install the phone.

No sense breaking with tradition now.

No talent.

No, don't pull on it. You'll rip his damn veins out.

No, he's

No, honey. Please don't be upset. It's really very flattering.

No, I don't think so. This move is for keeps.

No, I don't wanna trouble you.

No, I'm all right now.

No, it's a letter...

No, no, stay away from town. Stay with us.

No, no. No, no, no.

No, thanks. I'm just gonna sit here by the fire and relax.

No, that's not true. It's just awful.

No.

No.

No. No, I wouldn't say that.

No. No, it won't.

No. No, this book is about squirrels.

No. This was the last of it. One banana.

No. You're right.

Nobody knows where the hell Redbud is. And we haven't eaten since yesterday.

Nonsense. Now you sit down here and I'll be right back.

Nope.

Nope. Just this.

Normal small town life.

Norman Rockwell knew a thing or two about small town life.

Not me.

Not me. I wouldn't go over this thing on a skateboard.

Now there's a man who knows when he's got something good in his mouth.

Now, how much notice do you think you'll need to start acting normal?

Now, I'm not saying it's entirely your fault. We're as much to blame for this as you.

Now?

Now? Tonight?

Of course I did, Elizabeth.

Of course not.

Of course you did. Of course you did.

Oh, and one more thing.

Oh, Andy.

Oh, Andy.

Oh, Andy. I don't think I've ever seen you this happy before.

Oh, baby. It's that damn door.

Oh, boy.

Oh, Bud.

Oh, by far.

Oh, goddamn it.

Oh, hold on one second.

Oh, is that so? Well, you won't regret it.

Oh, it's lovely.

Oh, it's not so bad. It's warm in here. We have a roof over our heads.

Oh, Jesus. Fellas, I'm sorry!

Oh, just part of your anniversary present.

Oh, look, honey, ducks.

Oh, look.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, man.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Here comes a speech.

Oh, no. The settlers 200 years ago never needed beds.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, sure.

Oh, yeah. It's so great.

Oh!

Oh!

Okay, I'm ready. What'd you think?

Okay, let me straighten up a little.

Okay, let's get our bags.

Okay, that goes in my writing room.

Okay, this is good.

Okay.

Okay. How about the first week in February?

Okay. That's more like it.

Okay. Then let's get something to eat.

Okay. You want me to burn it? Is that what you want? You want me to burn it?

Once a Redbudian...

One Italian marble headstone, $1,200?

Or pumpkins. Pumpkins would be great.

Or you could take the bridge at the fork in the road and save yourself a heap of time.

Originally I thought I should put my desk here so I could look out over the pond.

Our mailman tried to run us down with his truck and threw our mail out into the road.

Out of the way. Get out of the way.

Out of the way. Out of the way.

Out!

Pardon me, sir.

Pass them out amongst yourselves.

Perhaps not.

Pick up all the newspapers.

Play ball!

Please take it.

Please, sir, just drop a couple of dimes in the slot...

Quiet.

Read the next page. It gets funnier.

Read. It's great. Read.

Ready for a big night on the town?

Redbud, here we come.

Remember that strange man ?

Return the advance money and we'll call it even.

Reverend Cobb's sermon, one

Right away.

Rules say four men in a boat.

Run, you idiot, run! He dropped the third strike!

Safe!

Save your strength, sweetheart. I'll get the mail.

Scram! Beat it!

Season's greetings, folks. Merry Christmas.

Season's greetings. Merry Christmas. Ho, ho, ho.

See you up there!

See? It's nothing to be upset about. It's out of the ground. It'll be gone in a moment.

Seriously...

She's dead.

Sheriff's office, please.

Shit!

Shit!

Shit.

Shit. Give me a hand with this.

Shouldn't we wait for the bed to arrive?

Shovel it.

Show them the check, Andy.

Shut up!

Sid's Hideaway Bungalows.

Sit down.

Sit down. We can at least listen.

Six years ago when we were both down with the flu.

Sleep all day long and hang out with the Criterion brothers?

So am I.

So do I. It's right here.

So I should put the desk over here facing this way...

So stay the hell out of our way and keep your mouth shut!

So such for getting out and making friends.

So tell me, these squirrels, do they have adventures?

So, Andy, I believe...

So, what kind of cute things will old Andy the squirrel be up to in the next book?

So...

Somebody answer me!

Somebody get the ball!

Somebody pick up the ball!

Somebody pick up the damn ball!

Sorry about your car.

Sorry, Andy and Elizabeth. We let those two get away. We'll do better next time.

Sorry, Brock, it's for your own good.

Sorry, fellas.

Sounds fair.

Sounds like fun.

Stand back, everybody. The record falls tonight.

Stay here.

Stop!

Strike three.

Strike!

Strike!

Sure you can. Sure you can.

Sweetie pie, I'm sorry.

Take a look at this.

Take it easy. You're just making it worse.

Take them home, if you wish.

Talk about underhanded. What about that?

Terrific.

Thank God for that.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, ma'am.

Thank you, Mayor Barclay, members of the council.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks for all your trouble.

Thanks for the tip.

Thanks, boss.

Thanks, fellas.

Thanks.

That belonged to my husband. It was his favorite chair.

That belonged to my sister.

That doesn't matter anymore.

That is top quality leather. Watch it going up the stairs.

That long? Go for it, Andrew.

That maniac is our mailman.

That manuscript is the whole reason we moved to the country.

That means they're ours.

That one makes 26.

That was just beautiful. Why don't you all come inside for some hot cocoa and eggnog?

That would be near the town of Redbud.

That's a casket, all right.

That's Claude Musselman.

That's cold.

That's good.

That's not a novel, Jack. It's heartburn.

That's obvious. I read the whole thing.

That's our offer, Andy.

That's too long.

That's up to you.

That's what Billy Martin said.

The $50 bonus was your idea.

The bill for Claude Musselman's funeral.

The covers of these magazines were painted by a man named Norman Rockwell.

The first few chapters, anyway.

The movers are here.

The new record!

The one you ate when we were practically starving. After you ate the last banana!

The perfect crime.

The pipe's a bit much.

The problem is, your place is five miles off his regular route.

The publisher wants to know if I have any others.

The son of a bitch who drew that map.

The story?

The whole thing?

Then about five miles before the road dead ends, veer left...

Then I Federal Expressed it to an address I found in your magazine.

Then I thought, no, too many distractions.

Then take a look at this.

Then what?

Then why don't you guess your way to Redbud?

There are at least three big laughs on that page alone.

There will always be a special place for Redbud in our hearts.

There. I hope you're happy, Mrs. Critic!

There's a great big old hedgehog based on Sheriff Ledbetter.

There's absolutely nothing out of the ordinary happening here.

There's an antique store.

There's money in this for you.

There's two crazy raccoons that remind me of those Criterion brothers.

These are Saturday Evening Post magazines from the '30s and the '40s.

They installed the kitchen phone while we were gone.

They slept under the stars and bathed in icy streams.

They were supposed to install a sandstone beige wall phone...

They're going around front. Good.

They're here.

They've been at it for hours.

Think about the settlers 200 years ago.

Think we should put this back?

This ain't a bridge.

This cup is all I have to remember her by.

This has been one hell of a day.

This is a wonderful house to write in.

This is Dr. Grail from the...

This is gonna cost us a fortune.

This is insane. What are we doing, man?

This is Michael Sinclair, Mrs. Farmer...

This is not a pay phone! This is a goddamn 1948 table model with a 12" cord...

This is perfect. How much are you asking?

This is so romantic.

This one's guaranteed not to run away.

This squirrel is me, isn't it?

Traffic control"?

Try again tomorrow, sheriff?

Twenty nine!

Two hot dogs, please.

Underhanded?

Wait a minute. You represent him in another matter?

Wait!

Wait. Shut up a minute. Listen.

Wait. This is our first real house. I'll carry you in.

Wait. Wait, don't tell me yet.

Watch it. Move out of the way!

Watch your step.

Water's on. Everything's on track in here.

We bought a house in the country. Gonna write my novel.

We came here to ask your help in selling our house.

We came to Redbud...

We can manage a day or two till I get this straightened out.

We could have had him dead center.

We could have nailed him.

We could plant corn back there. There's plenty of room.

We didn't hear from you. Mr. Farmer, our letters went unanswered.

We didn't move here for a change of scenery, did we?

We don't actually publish children's books here at Hufnagel.

We had such high hopes.

We had to sleep on the floor last night! Where the hell have you idiots been?

We have a corpse in the garden. Now get ahold of the sheriff this very minute.

We just have to adjust our thinking.

We love it. And we want to put it out.

We moved here for a change of heart.

We slept outside with the bugs and the wild animals.

We still get our money, don't we?

We want you to look and dress and act...

We were very close.

We're duck owners.

We're going over it. Have faith in the craftsmanship of our forefathers.

We're gonna get out and make some friends, circulate.

We're gonna start a new family.

We're home, boy. Out you go.

We're just movers. That's all. We're just movers.

We're looking for Dog Creek Road.

We're not leaving. We've decided to stay.

We're off.

We've been trying to contact you for some time, Mr. Farmer.

We've come together in the matter of Farmer v. Farmer.

Welcome back, fellas.

Well, 200 years ago, the settlers lived their entire lives without telephones.

Well, actually we're being transferred.

Well, actually, he doesn't make it into the second book.

Well, at least you're both in agreement on something.

Well, at odd times. You know, a little bit here, a little bit there.