Straight Up Edit

A bunch of us are gonna check out

A corporeal entity if possible.

A couple of licks and it didn't mean anything.

A repressive caste system.

A series of aptitude tests.

A straight horse, or a Shetland pony?

A surgeon for doctor's without boarders

A triangle of moles on this side,

About other people are usually problems

Actually Todd do you wanna tell it?

Afraid of the truth Todd?

After they eat dinner with the,

Again I'm so sorry I was late,

Ah I win!

Ah that was a smile.

Ah yeah well to invalidate that research,

AIDS wouldn't even exist if some fucking idiot

Alexa, play slut playlist.

All right here's why you have kids.

Also I don't like the idea of my organs

Also objectively to a random bystander who didn't know

Although you'd think with all her CIA training

Am I what?

Amen.

An eyelash in my eye.

An outdoor summer wedding in Arizona

And a washer and I don't fly.

And after calculating he binomial distribution

And an additional nine percent

And antipathy, you said that earlier.

And anyway I had accepted that, that I would never

And apparently I'm gonna see you seven more times

And as much as I pretend to give no fucks

And carpooled to Chipotle?

And copulation is only intended for reproduction,

And even if we were married it would be annulled

And filled with homeless people?

And for me I mean,

And for two they're not always clean unless you steam them.

And frankly you should feel offended.

And guess who's popping out the most babies?

And have I accused you of being a lesbian?

And he almost got arrested and we never went back.

And he would be a perect talent manager for Rory.

And he's going to glare at me once he sees

And he's in banks or something

And how would you like me to extrapolate that statement?

And I am so poor!

And I chose and you're a woman,

And I didn't even want it anyway

And I don't even get a callback

And I don't like poop.

And I don't recall you attempting to sex me either

And I fall asleep hugging a panda

And I forgot to unplug it so it's on.

And I just wanna be the way we were.

And I just, I honestly think that we could be happy

And I keep going out for these stupid

And I kept thinking that if I brought a boy home

And I kept waiting for it to happen

And I know that that's an offensive thing to say,

And I know that they say

And I know that you're scared that I'm going to hurt you,

And I must be dreaming,

And I think Ohio's in the Midwest.

And I think there's a dead mouse in my garbage disposal.

And I tried to bring Scene It: Turner Classics edition

And I used to do cognitive behavioral therapy

And I want my own friends that are less attractive than me,

And I want simultaneous orgasms,

And I want you to be my wife.

And I was like, "I know I'm sorry."

And I was looking for a job.

And I was valedictorian in high school.

And I wasn't doing anything, I was just standing there.

And I will get to you as soon as reasonably possible.

And I, sorry I have another call hold on.

And I've never been exceptionally lucky.

And if that's an accusation then I will have you know

And it has the most leg room.

And it never did and it really bothered me.

And it stresses me out and the worst part

And it's gays like you who can't get over

And it's like, "baby I try,

And it's probably not even human sperm.

And it's somebody's birthday and I made them a cake

And motorcycles and

And my brother basically raised me.

And neither of my only two friends are taking me seriously.

And positive, positive, what's positive?

And she think that I could be happier

And shit hits the fan because he's secretly gay.

And sign up to be a terrorist,

And so his forecast was right,

And so maybe we won't have the greatest sex ever,

And somebody asked me if we sold paperweights

And that's denial.

And that's why.

And the thing is when I say them out loud,

And then I'll meet you guys there.

And then it rained but only if he set the date.

And then only one dimple.

And then she falls asleep

And then she rolls over and accidentally smothers me.

And then they shit into a cup,

And they have absolutely nothing in common.

And they said "Kill this baby

And this is my boo Zane.

And those are things you can't give.

And tonight it felt like they loved me more.

And tried to force you onto a roller coaster?

And wait for you to hurt me.

And we both hate babies.

And we've been talking for eight hours.

And what does she do?

And what I'm saying is that having children

And when you'd get to be so cleaver Todd?

And who cares what society thinks anyway?

And why do you think that is?

And you are here with...

And you become sad because you can no longer eat it.

And you can either kill the baby or you get shot.

And you clearly don't want to be a waitress so.

And you did number two in your pants,

And you didn't tell me that Rory's so pretty.

And you give great back massages which let's be honest,

And you haven't even tried to fondle my boobs.

And you just have to accept that.

And you know maintaining routine,

And you know my parents will help me

And you know this, but you know,

And you must be Rory.

And you're a perfect match.

And you're afraid of the kid

And you're clean and that's all you need.

And you're no Rock Hudson.

And you're the only person I can't lose.

And you're the only person I don't mind losing to,

Anyway I'm trying to be less negative

Anyway Rory makes me a better person,

Anyway you have to come.

Apparently my lack of framed photographs

Approximately eight percent of whom are men aged 20 to 30,

Are being activated by emotional stress?

Are you all right?

Are you booking a lot?

Are you getting cast?

Are you happy?

Are you making fun of my accent?

Are you on social media?

Are you really asking or is that just an obligatory gesture?

Are you sure you're a boy?

Are you trying to say something?

Are you?

Are your hands getting tired?

Arguing about an Alanis Morissette song

As I sometimes say.

As I'm sure you can guess, statistically insignificant.

As special as we think we are.

At a spoon factory.

Awe you're so sweet.

Aww but you found him instead.

Baby I love you

Baby I love you but I just can't smile,

Baby I love you but I just can't smile.

Baby if you love me,

Baby if you love me,

Baby if you love me,

Baby if you love me,

Baby if you love me,

Baby if you love me,

Baby if you love me,

Baby if you love me,

Baby if you love me, won't you please

Baby if you love me, won't you please just give me a smile?

Baby if you love me, won't you please just give me a smile?

Baby is this your gay friend that's dating a girl?

Baby!

Based off the 2010 census.

Be a ring or I'm gonna...

Be jumping in their boots to die.

Because he might tell you you're in a wheelchair too.

Because he's a fag who's forgetful.

Because I do need your help.

Because I don't like sickness or endings or poop

Because I like to talk a lot,

Because I'm a total bottom.

Because I'm afraid it's going to expedite my cancer.

Because if you love someone enough,

Because it conflicts with my idealized self image,

Because it's considered good luck

Because it's set in Mongolia so we thought it'd be ironic

Because it's usually the cleanest

Because like you haven't,

Because our Todd here has the aesthetic taste

Because she really needed her best friend.

Because she was a virgin

Because the smaller you are the less likely

Because the truth is, and I know

Because there are some things in life

Because there's been no fucking consummation.

Because they registered as an organ donor!

Because we can't accept that we are not

Because we have these chimerical expectations

Because we're the most godless generation.

Because you are supposed to be the man.

Because you couldn't afford it

Because you know who's ruining this country?

Because you're not listening to me.

Before we give this another whirl?

Before you die.

Better.

Better.

Better.

Bitchin'. You can put them next to the jello shots.

Bombed and pillaged other countries

Both are scenarios I refuse to accommodate.

But acting is really the hardest job there is.

But anyway it's a porn video.

But does that intangible sense of purpose

But don't spaz I'm sure he won't say anything

But even if you wanted to experiment,

But for me that's easy to come by.

But I can just tell I mean,

But I can't drive for that long by myself

But I can't handle irrational behavior,

But I can't just sit around

But I don't care about them. I care about me

But I forgot the knife and I'm like,

But I have an egodystonic sexual orientation

But I just can't smile.

But I need you to breath. Alright?

But I promise you I won't because he doesn't exist.

But I think that's because I've been

But I was like, "I'm turning 18!"

But I'd also get to give up public rest rooms.

But I'm actually straight.

But I'm not in a wheelchair.

But I'm sure he would love you.

But I'm the new face of the Squatty Potty.

But I'm unclear as to what you're even chasing.

But if it was an emergency

But if it was you or me,

But if somebody put a gun to my head and they said,

But if you're with me I could be persuaded.

But it was just Isla Fischer. So.

But it's a bit of a drive so I wanted to see

But lately I've been experiencing increased anxiety

But mostly just to meet people.

But nobody knows me, nobody really knows me

But nothing ever fucking manifests and I'm already old!

But only because it was no longer bringing me joy.

But **** is never funny.

But seriously if I died now

But sexually attracted to nobody.

But she chooses to stay with him in Wisconsin

But that doesn't mean it would never happen.

But that was before you.

But the harsh reality is not everybody gets that.

But then I met you and I don't have to scour

But then if I don't drive a car,

But then some pigeon ran into the engine...

But they have a policy against using company knives

But they never explicitly say the word abortion,

But they're probably not the jumping type.

But this is just a big misunderstanding.

But this one confiscated it.

But whatever, what are you gonna do right?

But you actually may be somewhat straight.

But you agree with me, you agree with me.

But you are gonna break that poor girl's heart.

But you are gonna break that poor girl's heart.

But you can't make it get on a roller coaster

But you know what, I bet somebody else bailed and

But you know, I mean I can try harder.

But you need serotonin.

But you're a great actress.

Bye Rory.

Called Face Value that leverages machine learning

Can I ask you a personal question?

Can I choose to punch you in the face right now?

Can I fix that?

Can I hold your hand?

Can we find that?

Can we go inside now?

Can you imagine that?

Can you say the same thing about Rory?

Can't I just kill the guy with the gun pointed to my head?

Can't you tell?

Can't you tell?

Chance that I will ever fall in love which is,

Change the topic

Come sit with us.

Compared to non parents.

Complaining about how I was gonna be alone forever.

Copy.

Could be.

Dad?

Dare obviously.

Déjà vu.

Did my dad seem unusually nice to you?

Did you do plays in high school?

Did you know he cheated on his eye exam?

Did you, did you take a plane?

Didn't have sex with a monkey.

Didn't you get the Evite?

Didn't you read the play?

Do that right away.

Do you come here a lot?

Do you guys have sex or?

Do you have an agent?

Do you have any other questions

Do you have plans to kiss anyone today?

Do you know what that story's about?

Do you love me?

Do you really wanna know?

Do you really wanna know?

Do you remember what happened

Do you see a psychiatrist?

Do you think I'm gay?

Do you wanna be my birthday buddy?

Do you wanna be my girlfriend?

Do you want my autograph?

Do you want my autograph?

Doc night, is that some role play thing?

Does it look like it's taken?

Does thinking about vomit make you wanna poo?

Doesn't mean it's a universal skill set.

Don't deflect move

Don't hate yourself, that's sad.

Don't lecture me, I know it's fucked.

Don't spaz but Ryder brought Jerry.

Don't take this the wrong way,

Don't tell him that.

Don't work too hard Rory Gilmore.

Don't worry. He's totally crazy about you.

Don't, I'm just fucking with you,

Either because I'm Asian, because I have a crooked face,

Else until you love yourself.

Especially during the hours of 10 a.m. and four p.m.

Especially in my generation and I think that's generous.

Even if they don't really fit like,

Even if you miss you'll land among the stars?

Every male should have a vasectomy at birth,

Every Thursday we watch a documentary

Everything that is ultimately wrong with the world

Everything under the sun.

Everything's sort of in disarray at the moment.

Exactly I mean 65% of married couples

Except for suicidal people.

Except he got addicted to heroin,

Excuse me do you work here?

Excuse me do you work here?

Excuse me. Do you work here?

Excuse me. Do you work here?

Facial symmetry indicates

Fault not mine.

Find anybody because I admit that I'm finicky,

Fine there does that make you happy?

Fine whatever it doesn't matter, it's not ironic,

Fine.

Five to 10% of whom identify as gay or bisexual.

Followed by any other pertinent information

For a few seconds, it was more of a blow consultation.

For personal use and then you had nothing to cut

For randomly meeting any one of them

For Ryder's birthday party?

For sure, I'm just gonna finish this

For the holidays.

For the rest of our lives because I wanna watch you die.

For work, for work, for work, what do you do?

For you to appear in my life and make me whole.

For your state of sexual confusion,

Francis says that

Frankly Todd, I'm surprised by your behavior.

From Belmont High?

Fuck I'm horny.

Fucking A, I feel like

Fucking consummation, it's redundant.

Fucking elephants. We need to talk about sex.

Fucking student films where everything is a dream,

Fucking Will and Grace on the same team?

Garlic.

Get it off ooh!

Get your sweet tush over here.

Girls aren't gay blind anymore,

Go fuck yourself, no offense.

Go on then.

God damn right.

God I'm so funny!

God why can't you just have sex for five minutes

God, this is so awkward right?

Gonna learn how to eat me out?

Good for you.

Good for you.

Good, so a friend of one of my clients asked me

Great.

Great. Okay, hi. Excuse me I'm sorry,

Great. We're about to head over.

Guess which movie couple we are.

Guy obsessed with symmetry has crooked face.

Had given up?

Has nothing to do with my OCD

Have an obligation to combat reverse Darwinism.

Have I seen you in anything?

Have I seen you somewhere before?

Have ugly, will travel.

Have you considered that your symptoms

Have you ever done a sex scene?

He called it the Sarah MacLacharena.

He did, he just memorized the letters.

He had a gay eHarmony account,

He has a very high opinion of me,

He is great.

He just invited me because he knew I'd be available.

He said so in our last session.

He should know that his old man

He stole a bunch of money from my nana,

He sucked Jerry's gay willy willingly.

He usually doesn't even respond to my texts.

He was gay okay?

He was stocking shelves, so I thought he worked there

He wouldn't know,

He's also a model but mostly underwear.

He's beautiful, he has an accent.

He's Butch Cassidy and I'm the Sundance Kid,

He's cute though right?

He's just so attentive right?

He's like James Bond.

He's lying.

He's not exaggerating.

Heath Ledger.

Her interests, her intellect, her sense of humor,

Here's what I would do.

Hey Craig, random question.

Hey Janice. Here's those files you wanted.

Hey Karen it's your daughter.

Hey Rory.

Hey Todd, remember when you were

Hey you! Answer the door!

Hey, are you okay?

Hi it's Rory, my number is 206 377 2616,

Hi Karen, it's Rory.

Hi nice to meet you.

Hi Todd, I'm Rory.

Hi yes yeah I am.

Hi you've reached Todd.

Hi.

His character, his character was gay.

Historically I will choose the handicap stall

Hit me.

Hmm. Does **** count?

Honey have you seen my snollygoster?

How 'bout now?

How about now?

How about snollygoster?

How did you and Zane meet?

How did you even get to Seattle?

How did you find me?

How do you feel about dogs?

How do you spell that?

How exciting. Please remind them

How I'm feeling now.

How is that going?

How will I get anywhere when the bus is unreliable

How would I slip it into a sentence?

How'd you pay rent?

How's Sri Lanka?

How's Todd in bed?

Hypothetically if you could save my life

Hypothetically yes.

I almost went to Yale because of that show.

I almost went to Yale because of the show.

I already have a lot of guilt on my plate so.

I already know how I wanna die.

I already know.

I always thought my parents loved me unconditionally,

I am 90 and I just won my second Oscar,

I am a model.

I am college educated,

I am having some trouble understanding

I am listening, I'm just confused.

I am pretentious apparently.

I am way more beneficial to society than a

I bet he's one of those guys

I bet I'm gonna love it,

I brought Bananagrams and Exploding Kittens,

I can buy you a drink.

I can learn to eat you out,

I can say it, I just think it's vulgar.

I can understand if it was like a whole solace,

I can understand not wanting to die prematurely,

I can't believe I just fucking did that.

I can't, it makes me think of poop,

I could just be metro. Or a hipster.

I could offer an anecdote to the contrary.

I dare you to give everyone at this party a lap dance.

I dare you to spank Jimmy's ass.

I dare you to switch clothes with me.

I did get rid of the book,

I did say you were living in the Philippines,

I did some research and apparently

I didn't ask, you have a very symmetrical face.

I didn't even know you were an actress.

I didn't get the Evite.

I didn't have a moment of sonder until last year.

I didn't know if you could get away with auditions and all.

I didn't know that.

I didn't laugh.

I didn't pick up on that at all.

I didn't say that I think I'm gonna be murdered,

I do not hook up.

I do. I have a theory

I don't get it.

I don't hang out with those people.

I don't have a dad,

I don't have a problem with being gay,

I don't have to answer that.

I don't know about that.

I don't know honey, why don't we just ask

I don't know what I want.

I don't know what to tell you.

I don't know what your problem is with me.

I don't know what your problem is.

I don't know why I said that, I'm sorry. Come on.

I don't know why I'm here.

I don't know, I don't know maybe.

I don't know, it's just a metaphor.

I don't know.

I don't like bodily fluids.

I don't mean existentially, specifically L.A.

I don't mean that we choose who we're attracted to.

I don't need to go anywhere.

I don't see the irony in that,

I don't think I could live with the guilt.

I don't think that I'm that transparent,

I don't think that Whole Foods sells camel.

I don't think that you can love somebody

I don't think that's what happens.

I don't think you would find anyone.

I don't wanna be alone for the rest of my life.

I don't want him to know that I'm relapsing.

I don't want kids. Todd, that was stupid.

I don't want more, I'm happy.

I don't, labels are for vegans

I eat meat.

I enjoy spanking.

I figure Murphy's law if I had kids

I got fired and everybody in my improv class

I guess he didn't like me,

I had a skin infection so I stopped.

I had to book a hotel in Sacramento and Medford.

I hate babies. We know this. Todd, come on.

I hate meeting people.

I hate that question.

I have a deviated septum,

I have a great sense of humor,

I have a headache, I think it's all that snollygoster I ate.

I have a problem with being alone for the rest of my life!

I have more.

I have no buyers remorse.

I have to admit when I told you to experiment

I hear they have great...

I just don't give it to them.

I just have to accept that you don't like bodily fluids,

I just like the movie.

I just made that number up.

I just think it's kind of sad

I just wanna fuck the pain away kind of thing,

I just, the library is hiring,

I keep telling them we need to get a second toaster.

I knew it.

I know but he didn't feel foreign to me anymore.

I know I sound like...

I know it's irrational,

I know some.

I know that all yuppies are miserable

I know that's temporary but,

I know this is my anxiety talking. I just,

I know what I don't want.

I know what your problem is,

I know, I don't get enough

I know, I know, I know I look totally different.

I know.

I know. Why am I thinking that right?

I lie to homeless people, I always have change

I like girls, I've always liked girls.

I like Jamie,

I live with my boo,

I love you but I can't imagine spending more than

I love you too.

I love you.

I mean gay men have been marrying women

I mean he's always saying that his clients are shit

I mean he's always saying that his clients are shit

I mean I guess I would, save the baby.

I mean I really wish you wouldn't.

I mean ideally I'll have a nurse to help deal with that,

I mean if Helen Keller can learn to talk,

I mean there's always something on the seat lid,

I mean we live together, we sleep together,

I mean, I wanna see you through to the end.

I mean, if your blind or schizophrenic

I must be dreaming!

I must be out of my fucking mind

I need a kidney, I need a kidney

I never had one. Thank God you know?

I never really had the opportunity

I normally adhere to a strict no pets policy,

I organize closets, I have great references.

I own all seven seasons on DVD.

I own all the seven seasons on DVD.

I prefer to eat smaller animals like chickens,

I realize that I may have undermined your OCD.

I said as soon as I register as an organ donor,

I said no.

I sent them an invoice.

I should lie down.

I started screaming that he was kidnapping me

I support you so does Ryder.

I suppose if you were truly homeless

I think I might have like an acoustic neuroma or something.

I think I might not be gay.

I think I thought you were dead.

I think I'm depressed.

I think I'm going to die.

I think it might have skewed the results.

I think it would statistically improve my love life.

I think it's in the garage honey,

I think she should be crying the this scene though,

I think they're just happy that you're happy.

I think we all are.

I think you called me like that episode

I think you have a Trojan.

I think you just see subliminal homosexuality

I think you're arguing semantics.

I thought it was funny.

I thought maybe you wanted to ask me something.

I thought that you said it was a Trojan.

I thought you'd be on the at like Asian on rice.

I used to say third but I don't wanna be unrealistic,

I usually lie and say I'm a geospatial analyst or something

I wanna fuck some pussy.

I want a real relationship.

I want my own apartment that accurately represents

I wanted to drop off my resume to

I was mocking actors.

I wasn't sure it was the best idea,

I watch "Gilmore Girls",

I will be sexually incompatible with most of them.

I will reject outright over various deal breakers

I will yes and I'm bringing Rory.

I wish I didn't have any holes.

I wish there was a word to describe

I won't look I promise.

I wonder if there's a word that exactly describes

I would clean you up because I love you

I would if I could but.

I would literally kill somebody.

I would've guessed Hungarian.

I, you know, feel bad for the animals.

I'd be like, "Hey sorry man,

I'd drop her if she wasn't my niece.

I'd greatly appreciate it.

I'd love to hear it.

I'd probably end up like the mother in

I'd shoot me.

I'll talk to you in a second.

I'm a geospatial analyst.

I'm allergic, she just hates them.

I'm assuming the number is less than 25%

I'm cheating on Zane.

I'm confused. Do you want sex?

I'm fucking gay?

I'm going to be a famous actress,

I'm hardly in the right frame of mind right now.

I'm ignoring you.

I'm in L.A. now.

I'm in the it gets worse before it gets better phase.

I'm in the shower.

I'm joking, Todd I'm joking.

I'm just asking you to listen.

I'm just gonna sit right here,

I'm just gonna take a shower first.

I'm just gonna.

I'm just not good at this game.

I'm just saying and there's plenty of literature

I'm just saying how funny would it have been

I'm moving to Seattle.

I'm not bragging I only got my hand in.

I'm not crying, my hand eczema is gone,

I'm out here living the dream.

I'm probably gonna take that off.

I'm projecting, I'm projecting,

I'm proud of you, I just want you to know that.

I'm really asking.

I'm right here, I'm just gonna be right here.

I'm so glad we had this talk.

I'm so happy for you guys.

I'm sorry I didn't mean it.

I'm sorry I know I'm projecting.

I'm sorry I missed you but please leave your name,

I'm sorry you're really easy.

I'm sorry, ignore me,

I'm sorry.

I'm still a little bit scared of the p word.

I'm straight, I like bean burritos

I'm straight.

I'm straight.

I'm sure we don't like the same things.

I'm sure you guys are outliers.

I'm the horse but am I a gay horse,

I'm the hostess and I've decided

I'm undergoing a severe sexual identity crisis

I'm watching more documentaries.

I'm your best friend,

I've always dismissed the possibility

I've slept with bisexuals.

I've slept with bisexuals.

If "The Fifth Element" had been dick?

If I didn't have to worry about

If I max out my card.

If I'm more aggressive and I don't let political labels

If it's a joke yeah.

If somebody had a gun to your head

If there is, I bet it's French.

If we were eating Mongolian.

If you don't like it, there's a gift receipt.

If you don't like it, there's a gift receipt.

If you feel obliged to pigeonhole me

If you had cancer and you needed help,

If you had ever read the fucking play.

If you met a man with all of Rory's qualities,

If you need to talk to someone,

If you think that would help.

If you were available.

If you'd be interested in joining me?

If you're doing it right, it is.

Implementation would be impossible.

Impossible I only bareback.

In conversations to impress strangers

In male on male courting in the past,

In my left ear.

In my life.

In on what?

In order to qualify for a reverse vasectomy,

In sickness, and in health and you know that that says a lot

In somebody else's body,

In the face and he died.

In the play it's obvi that he has the hots for Skipper.