Orange Is the New Black - Season 1 Edit

A baby?

A bunch of people I never met looked at my case file.

A couple of years ago, we found two women naked from the waist down,

A few weeks? Doesn't she need to buy things?

A hobby about science.

A proper young lady.

A real rusty old thing that needs fixing?

About Red and the way that she runs her business.

About, uh, the surge in home breweries in Brooklyn

Acetone.

After this comes the book deal, and then the movie deal,

Ah!

Alex, I was so freaked out when the bag didn't show up, I almost bailed.

All I'm saying is,

All inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice.

All right, Chapman, Diaz, this is you.

All right, let's get you to the van.

All right, let's go.

All right, look. I really appreciate

All right, okay, okay.

All right, raise your head and look at the lens.

All right, so his tie is gonna match the bridesmaids' dresses.

All right, we got some offices here.

All right, we gotta hustle, 'cause the count's soon.

All right, which dress you like better?

All right. Well, the broken one's over there, and her name's Myra.

All right. You're doing great. Okay.

All the gates open to one and two.

All the people in the PSI are cleared to visit.

Am I allowed to cry?

Am I supposed to tell them that I made you get into the dryer?

Amen.

Amy, I only have two minutes to talk.

Amy, please let me talk to Larry.

An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison

And a series of schnauzers, all named Schnapps. That's all I know.

And a toothbrush. They don't give you one.

And can't believe how lucky he is that he met her.

And don't make friends.

And don't tell her that you're coming on Friday, okay?

And every morning I wake up thinking the feeling'll be gone,

And he realized that all he had to do

And here you are.

And how much time you got, Chapman?

And I became the nice blonde lady that I was supposed to be.

And I can't help you 'cause I really don't know.

And I can't pay the guy, 'cause of course Pete had done his whole,

And I can't, I can't!

And I don't want any trouble.

And I have this gnawing feeling.

And I insulted the chef,

And I ran away,

And I still can't figure out how the system works.

And I want you to come.

And I warned her if it ever...

And I wasn't there when my best friend had her baby.

And I will meet you in Brussels, and everything will work out perfectly, babe.

And I would think that a smart, savvy person like yourself

And I'll get through it. I'll get back on track.

And I'll meet you back here and show you your bunks. Okay?

And I'm gonna read everything on my Amazon wish list.

And I'm happy for him, but he got...

And I'm healthy. Also ish.

And I'm like, P.S., dickhead, I just saved your grandchild

And I'm pretty sure that you don't want

And if they turn up, the warden's gonna want somebody's head.

And if you feel like you gotta go to the bathroom,

And it ain't gonna be mine.

And it deserves to be celebrated.

And it should be.

And it was all crazy.

And it's right next to this T shaped thing.

And knows that he will never be bored,

And like this Neptune has lost three restaurants in three weeks.

And maybe even learn a craft, you know? I could be crafty.

And Mendez? Question.

And more importantly, I am not suggesting that I want you back,

And no one is shitting in any cup, okay?

And not with some hollow bullshit apology,

And on my end,

And Polly's dad rolled his eyes, 'cause...

And pray it doesn't turn out like that one.

And racism.

And realize what a fucking horse's ass you've been.

And remember, nothing goes on here that I don't know about.

And she'll be good for you.

And she's like, Where's Pete? Yes.

And that's a yes, right?

And that's Nichols. Just got out of SHU a week ago.

And that's why we're in this situation.

And the trick is, I wanna show off the boobs and the ass,

And the wait is over.

And then I have a lady who accidently backed into a mailman

And then I hit the road...

And then it got scary,

And then sometimes

And then the inevitable sexual harassment scandal.

And then the third time, it's not gonna be very nice.

And then there were two.

And then you'll come back out. Say what you need to say.

And there are lesbians.

And they always wanted candy bars.

And they worked for a while,

And throw yourself on his mercy.

And treat me like an actual human being

And when I get home, I will put it in your jewelry box.

And when I got here, they gave me these little bars of hotel soap, but no shampoo.

And when they're done, after days or weeks of work,

And when you work with geniuses like I do,

And when you're done, pack it in and know it was all temporary.

And who the fuck asked you?

And whoever she drags down with her deserves it.

And yeah, yeah. You gotta go down to laundry.

And you deserve that.

And you don't move until it goes off. Dinner's after.

And you love adventure, right?

And you would still be in jail.

And you're not allowed to sleep in your bed. Only on top of it.

And you're not supposed to eat the pudding because it's been to Desert Storm.

And, and he loves me, so, here we go.

Any Nudie Judies in here? Skin pics? Naughty stuff?

Anyway, our guy looked into the government contracts thing.

Anyway, significantly less funny

Are less than a minute apart to go to the hospital.

Are we at least gonna talk about other options?

Are you finished? You're starting to sound finished.

Are you gonna barf?

Are you gonna miss me?

Are you kidding me?

Are you okay? What's it like in there?

Are you okay?.

Are you serious?

Are you serious?

Aren't you not supposed to ask that question?

Arturo!

As in get back together come around?

As letters are being screened for anthrax.

Asshole.

At a time like this, does that matter?

At least you get something.

At least you had a nice shower this morning, right?

At the time.

Attention, all personnel, be advised

Available guards...

Barneys?

Because it's fucked up.

Because of how well I captured your spirit.

Because The New Yorker is running one

Before heading off to her mid range hotel to go over her schedules.

Before my teeth got knocked out, I had this awesome gap.

Believe me,

Bennett, it's not fucking working again.

Besides you?

Besides, whatever she was doing clearly ran out, right?

Bet you never get the food stuck in them.

Better. Okay.

Big girl.

Big time newspaperman.

Bingo.

Boo!.

Both nice.

Bounce your legs up and down. It keeps your feet warm.

Boyfriend wrote quite the article about you.

But even if you don't come to me, don't go to Danita.

But everyone was asking about you, Pipes.

But I got a couple tricks up my sleeve.

But I have got some menthol cough drops.

But I just need to get... Out!

But I think that I can borrow some from other white people.

But I'm not so happy with the upper arms and the stomach,

But it wasn't for me.

But it's a hobby, though.

But it's not.

But maybe Caputo will let you make a call later.

But not schools. Not hospitals.

But now I just cheek 'em and trade 'em for black eyeliner.

But she failed to mention the lesbian lover

But sometimes...

But that's pineapple soda.

But we called last week. And they told me to bring it.

But we'll deal with it, okay?

But yet every night I go to bed,

But you can't eat it.

But you do, don't ya?

But you know what?

But you will be the only one in this entire prison that does.

But, this time, just into the camera, okay?

By all means, seek out the supreme wisdom of the junkie philosopher.

Can he come visit me?

Can I ask why?

Can I help you?.

Can I? Am I allowed to go out?

Can you read it to me?

Can't be that serious. When it's serious, she throws coconuts.

Can't she just come over and tap you on the shoulder?

Chapman.

Chapman.

Chapman.

Chapman. Hey, Chapman.

Check it. Says he wrote a column!

Cheers.

Cheers. Salud.

Clean ladies are healthy ladies.

Close the door behind you.

Close the door, I don't want a run on my office.

Come around? Yeah.

Come here.

Come on, babe. I want you to come.

Come on, honey. You're not alone.

Come on, less talking. Just breathe.

Come on, Sister.

Come on!

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Get in.

Come to Bali.

Come with me.

Come with me. I mean it. I'll buy you a plane ticket.

Come with me. Quit your job. Come with me.

Coming up on lights out. Say goodbye.

Costing the tax payers money and sweating in my armchair.

Could you google symptoms of labor?

Count is not clear. Please conduct a recount.

Count time! Count time! Count time, ladies!

Crap. They're somewhere in here.

Damn, you got some nice titties.

Damn.

DeMarco, this is Chapman. She's new. Self surrender. You show her what's what?

Dial nine to get out.

Did he look surprised to you?

Did I mention that Red runs the kitchen?

Did she get the extra stitch?

Did she say anything?

Did you find it?

Did you know about all this?

Dimitri. So good to see you.

Dinner here was scary liver.

Dinner's at 4:.30?

Do you know about the count?

Do you know what a mandala is?

Do you think that I'm a narcissist or a horse's ass?

Do you think that that needs to be connected to something?

Does that make me a selfish,

Doesn't make it any easier, though. Right.

Don't call me sweetie.

Don't crowd, and do not, under any circumstances,

Don't eat the pudding.

Don't forget that. And check the elastic on all the pants.

Don't get me wrong, she's a good lady, but you don't wanna get on her bad side.

Don't let them get you stretched out garbage.

Don't lie to me.

Don't look so bummed. Gonna get the wrinkles.

Don't make your bed!

Don't nobody like it here.

Don't you do that! Do what?

Don't you fucking leave me.

Drama!

Drug money. Once.

Drugs have a way of making you do shit you don't wanna do.

Dryer!

Dude right here's in the paper.

Due to repairs, clean clothes can be picked up tomorrow.

Eat anyway.

Esta bien, okay? Come on, mama.

Even people that haven't met you.

Every day, up and down the street.

Every once in a while, we find a pair of men's boxers in there.

Every time what?

Every week, we almost close.

Everyone else seems to be getting over it.

Everyone gets a piece of fruit at breakfast.

Everything okay?

Everything's going to be okay.

Everything's pretty surreal right now.

Except these boxers... Oh!

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Fifteen months.

Fine.

Fine. I guess.

First time down?

Five hundreds. That's science.

Food preparation?

For four of us?

For real? Yo, that's sick, son!

For you.

Friend of yours?

From being born on a gin soaked

Fuck her! This is not gonna be okay.

Fuck him and his fucking mother.

Fuck me.

Fuck you! And this dryer!

Fuck, no!

Fuck, yeah!

Fuck! My glasses fell off.

Fuck.

Fucking cunt ramming awesome.

Fucking ungrateful douche bag?

Galina...

Get me out of here.

Get over here.

Get your ass over here, Chapman, now. Move it.

Getting me assigned and every...

Glad you're making new friends, Chapman.

Go ahead.

Go ahead. Go.

God, I hope so.

God, we really should not have eaten so much.

Good night, Chapman.

Good to see you too.

Good, good, good. Okay.

Got a minute there, cowboy?

Got enough, bro?

Got it.

Got the paperwork right here.

Got what?

Great. Alex, I don't, I don't know if I can...

Great. Another fucking coconut.

Guard Thomson to the tower.

Guards just think I got the flu like everyone else.

Guide to Bird Watching. Seven hundreds?

Have a seat.

Have you called a lawyer?

He can come this weekend.

He can take it out.

He got so much of it so wrong.

He has to send it to Iowa. It takes a few weeks to process.

He said she cannot come back until they're closer. I'm sorry.

He said with the mandatory minimums with drug crimes,

He says that she's gotta wait till her contractions

He sold out in minutes.

He walked so much he wore holes in his shoes.

He went on and on about your enchanting little love story.

He wouldn't recommend risking a trial. So, I pleaded out.

He wrote an article about me.

He's a writer.

He's beautiful. I mean, I don't know.

He's in the Times?

He's on the fucking pavement, wrestling with the cab driver.

He's, he's gonna be right back. We've been waiting here for two hours.

Head on up.

Healy.

Hear you got a broken appliance, ma'am.

Heard about your old roommate.

Hello, Miss Claudette.

Hello?

Here I am.

Here we go.

Here, fancy. Have a yogurt.

Here.

Here. Had to haggle with las negritas, but I got it.

Here. Here's some tissues. First night's always hard.

Here's some toilet paper. You gotta take it with you.

Here's your temporary ID,

Hey, are you okay? What's going on?

Hey, blanca. You speak Spanish?

Hey, can I ask you something? You look like you'd know.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, no crying.

Hey, Red. You got one of those for me?

Hey, there, baby bump.

Hey, there.

Hey, uh...

Hey, you got that Iowa address?

Hey! Hey, hey, don't forget, you gotta bus your tray.

Hey! Y'all done having fun?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. I'm just relaxing, being normal.

Hey. You're crying.

Hi, I'm here to surrender.

Hi, Sister. This is Chapman.

Hi, there.

Hi! I know.

Hi.

His name is Larry.

Hmm?

Hmm?

Hmm.

Hold it up. Let me see, let me see. Nice.

Holy shit. That was an epic fuck up.

Honey! We'll make the bed. We know how.

Honey.

Hope they got a lot of mops in the SHU.

Hopefully there's some way I could pay you.

How am I gonna get it off?

How are you feeling?

How come she doesn't go cold turkey a while back?

How did we go from not talking about kids at all

How do I make a phone call?

How do I not know this?

How do you know?

How goes it?

How hard is it to get me a board from the woodshop? People.

How it is.

How long have I worked here, man? God!

How nice.

How the fuck are you going to jail tomorrow?

How what went?

How?

Howard and I brought Chinese. Larry is so upset.

Huh? Hold it in

I ain't never snitched nobody, so who's gonna tell 'em?

I always said, when they first come through,

I am really happy for you.

I bet they're all appalled that you've gone somewhere so filthy and dangerous.

I brought you this. In case you throw up.

I can't believe you did this.

I can't give you the cold medicine,

I can't keep track of the nicknames. Just, uh, take care of it.

I can't take it with me.

I can't tell you what I don't know.

I can't understand your French.

I carried a suitcase of money.

I chained myself to a drug dealer.

I couldn't get the dryer open.

I covered for her when she got here. Hmm? Just like I did for you.

I did it, that one time, 1 0 years ago.

I did!

I didn't know to expect you.

I don't have a cold.

I don't know what she does.

I don't know what that is.

I don't know what that means.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't know.

I don't know. But there's a nun here.

I don't know. I need a little more light back here.

I don't know. It went.

I don't know. Maybe tomorrow after breakfast.

I don't know. Polly made a last minute Evite so...

I don't like fish. I like pork, chicken. But it's a pretty fish.

I don't like to dwell.

I don't really know how to answer that question.

I don't say nothing. I'm just working. Next.

I don't speak Spanish.

I don't... I don't know. Excuse me.

I drive, and I do what I need to do.

I drive, I don't work kitchen.

I feel like I am missing so much.

I feel like I'm in a Bourne movie. Have you killed?

I feel sad that you feel sad.

I feel sad.

I felt panicked for them before I remembered

I got a couple questions that I need to ask you.

I got a crack dealer who is doing nine months,

I got a look in a bar last night.

I got her.

I got mad control over my epiglottis.

I got Polly in, she's changing into her gown,

I gotta lock this shit down before you leave, Pipes.

I gotta look good. My first dance is gonna go on YouTube.

I guess I just had to look away.

I had no idea that he would actually make it in there.

I hate when she sends The Quiet Storm.

I have a fiancÈ.

I have a really strong shot at a Twix bar.

I have eighty crates of tomatoes rotting

I have no idea.

I have to get more batteries.

I have to go to work soon. Can you read me the article?

I have to go.

I heard back from the board.

I hope, for all our sakes, you're right.

I just don't get it.

I just...

I just...

I knew that she wasn't a good person, but fuck her!

I know how to make a bed.

I know I should be feeling thrilled right now.

I know that I wasn't supposed to, but I did.

I know you just got here, so you don't know what's what.

I know, right?

I know, right? All right.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know. But if there is...

I know. Come on, we gotta rally.

I know. Everyone's been so positive.

I know. I could be pregnant while I'm in prison.

I know. I know.

I know. Still.

I know. You're afraid of her.

I left that part out. Your secret is safe.

I look forward to it.

I look like Michael Jackson.

I look like Michael Jackson.

I look like shit. My eyes are all puffy.

I look outside. He is... He's on the ground, Piper.

I look pathetic. I'm aware.

I love baths.

I love it when you call my mighty staff a pee stick.

I love showers.

I love you so much.

I love you so much.

I love you so much.

I love you, too. Are you okay?

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you. Please keep my website updated.

I loved you, I loved having sex with you.

I lower prices, our competition lowers prices.

I lust after you, Yoga Jones, those sinewy arms.

I may be a sick lesbian in a prison bunk,

I mean for you to come around like an actual human being.

I mean it. Please, please tell me you're keeping it together.

I mean, everyone at the bar.

I mean, I wasn't expecting it, but I got the call last night.

I mean, she told me how she traveled after college,

I mean, she's an addict, all right? She had a slip.

I mean, shit. What's the point?

I mean, the guy broke his collar bone, but come on.

I mean, what exactly were you two doing?

I mean, who are you?

I mean, you can't say,

I might actually be lucky this happened now.

I missed your party.

I need more cream.

I need to know how.

I once kissed Mary Straley when I was at Miss Porter's school.

I only have a minute now. I'm calling from the guard's office.

I pray for you, Nicky.

I pray for you, too, Sister.

I promise.

I read that you're not supposed to ask that.

I really don't want a record of it.

I said, nothing. I said, never mind.

I saw Little Sarah get a shot for helping Nicky hold a ladder.

I should be back to normal soon.

I should finish fixing that. You want some help?

I think I can reach it if I could

I think I might want it.

I think I saw you in there?

I think the words you're looking for are, Thank you.

I think there are pictures.

I think you may know the answers to 'em.

I think you've got the wrong skin tone.

I thought that I was in love.

I told you that this was a bad idea.

I told you.

I want to have a family with you, Piper. Of course.

I want to make an educated guess.

I want you to understand, you do not have to have lesbian sex.

I was 22.

I was in love.

I was so embarrassed. I can't believe that she did this.

I was starting to worry. Where did you come from?

I wasn't laughing at you.

I wasn't ready.

I will be truly displeased if you barf anywhere but in that can.

I will write you up if you sneeze,

I won't barf.

I work these machines all day.

I would rather shit and cry than strain and nap all the time.

I wrote something in here. Uh, a column.

I'd better go.

I'll be back. Breathe. Relax and breathe.

I'll be out in a sec. I swear.

I'll be right back.

I'll be so ripped.

I'll be... I'll be right back.

I'll definitely send that to Pete.

I'll do it now, right away.

I'll just go right back to clean crew.

I'll take care of it.

I'll take good care of you.

I'll take the phone to the car, I'll be right back.

I'll wait. There best be some hot water left.

I'm a writer. No shit.

I'm alive. I'm a living, breathing thing, and it's really...

I'm assuming you're both fluent in Hindi.

I'm Chapman. I'm new today.

I'm done. I'm out. I'm totally out.

I'm engaged. Right.

I'm feeling some Sapphic vibes coming off you.

I'm getting out.

I'm gonna ask you again. Nicely.

I'm gonna eat you for dinner.

I'm gonna get ripped.

I'm gonna go get help. No, no, no! No, no, no!

I'm gonna help you, no strings attached.

I'm gonna make it count, Larry.

I'm gonna put it in my wallet. Okay?

I'm here to do you a favor.

I'm here.

I'm in labor.

I'm in print, I'm young ish.

I'm Jones.

I'm just getting started, bitch.

I'm just gonna go...

I'm just... I'm still stuck in the mindset

I'm lucky you're here with me.

I'm more of a dishwasher kind of gal, sir.

I'm Morello and that is Watson.

I'm not crying.

I'm not getting laid for a year, too, but what do I get?

I'm not gonna throw away a year of my life. What the hell are you looking for?

I'm not some cool story at a yuppie fucking cocktail party.

I'm not somebody's girlfriend.

I'm on a cough syrup cocktail

I'm plotting my revenge on that redneck fucking Deliverance extra.

I'm pretty sure I'm suffocating.

I'm quitting, Nicky. Tell her that. Don't make me go down there.

I'm sorry.

I'm sure it'll all be fine.

I'm telling you, it'll all start to feel normal, soon. Really.

I'm telling you. Surviving here is all about perspective.

I'm wearing granny panties and I've only spoken to white people.

I'm working on it.

I'm writing you both a shot.

I'ma kill that motherfucker! The nurse?

I've always loved getting clean.

I've been a horse's ass?

I've been better.

I've been waiting for you to come around,

I've got friends of my own, you know.

I've got great news.

Iaid out into big, beautiful designs.

If I ever talk to her that way...

If I guess closest to the birth time, I could win a Twix.

If I tell you it gets easier, does that make me corny?

If my daughter ever talked to me that way...

If that baby popped out and slapped him in the fucking face.

If the wrong person realizes there's product moving through this prison...

If they find out that I was helping you, I'm gonna get in trouble.

If you want in.

If you're here to ransack my kitchen again, go ahead.

Iike you would've when you thought he was clean.

Imagine my surprise.

In a Bensonhurst warehouse. Eighty.

In the meantime, try to get some sleep.

In this bitch, like you said, man.

Inmate discipline list is posted in the day room.

Inmate Gonzalez report to the supply room.

Inmate Robinson to the visitor area.

Inmate! Out of the trash!

Inmates, an updated facility rules with

Instead of waiting.

Is attempting to contact you.

Is connected with a blue wire...

Is the baby gonna be staying with us?

Isn't it great?

Isn't there a doctor in there?

It always starts the same way,

It comes in big cans marked Desert Storm.

It couldn't be any other way.

It did.

It feels like

It helps if you cry.

It is?

It must be hard without her.

It was a phase.

It was my birthday present.

It was my lost soul, post college adventure phase.

It was that fucking meth head!

It's a bath products line I'd started with my friend, Polly.

It's a great day.

It's a nice store.

It's a pretty big case. Criminal conspiracy.

It's a raw deal.

It's a sign of weakness. You can't show any weakness.

It's a small pig. I really wanted to use the box.

It's all fine. It's all good.

It's all gonna be okay.

It's all temporary.

It's almost count time.

It's amazing how much he looks like John Goodman.

It's beautiful.

It's burrata.

It's fuckin' all beef,

It's gonna end up at the bottom of the washing machine.

It's gonna rub off when I sweat.

It's good.

It's just shitty.

It's just us, looking at each other,

It's like God put them in you every day. A summer breeze coming over here.

It's my bunk, too. I get no say in this?

It's my happy place.

It's my shout.

It's not about the prices, it's about the books.

It's not like it's her choice.

It's not personal, it's chemical.

It's not really up to code. Do you know what I mean?

It's not so bad. Everyone's okay.

It's not Voldemort. You can say it. Abortion.

It's not.

It's off topic.

It's okay if I sit here?

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's one junkie. It's an isolated thing.

It's out of bounds for you guys until you get assigned there.

It's overwhelming how lucky I am.

It's pretty basic.

It's weird.

Jesus, with this shit.

Jesus!

Just angle my fucking hand back there.

Just checking.

Just fuck me.

Just keep walking, mami. I'm gonna try.

Just open the door.

Just picking up her sensible bag in the baggage claim

Keep it there till you feel better.

Keep moving. You're blocking up the works.

Kubra would have had you killed. Come on.

Larry, honey...

Larry, how am I supposed to tell if her cervix is soft?

Larry?

Larry?

Later.

Let's see how good I am a week from now.

Let's see what it says. It's from Pete.

Let's see what the pee stick has to say about this.

Lie down.

Lift up your arms.

Like a giant celery serial killer, carrying a machete,

Like a loose check.

Like Jackie Warner ripped.

Like the Italians have with the garbage,

Like what I've got is not enough.

Like when Polly and Pete told us,

Like you aren't accountable for anything

Like, What the hell is she doing here?

Literally every chance they got.

Little Tricia's got a mean old case of the detox blues.

Look at this place.

Look at you, blondie. What'd you do?

Look at your eyes.

Look, not... Okay, not that I'd insist, Piper. Okay? I...

Look, what I mean is, if you don't leave,

Look, you can do what you want,

Look! I found a rock that looks like a penis with one ball.

Look. Look, look.

Looks like I've already thrown mine away.

Looks like we'll be able to work something out.

Loud. Sorry.

Ma, give me the phone.

Mail delivery will be delayed

Make deal to bid the lowest.

Make it not broken.

Makes you a liar.

Man, hurry!.

Man, I'm never gonna get this shit.

Man, I'm telling you,

Man, this clinic my mom dragged me to,

Martha or Maddie or some shit.

Maternal figurehead.

May I read it? I mean, I can wait until you're done, obviously.

Maybe I can, uh...

Maybe if I stick my dick in your mouth, it might help me relax.

Maybe if you tried talking nice to it,

Maybe we can get you a job in here.

Maybe you're not thinking big enough.

Maybe, just maybe, we will get friendly again. Maybe.

Maybe.

Me, too.

Might, uh, pop open then, right, huh?

Mind over mucous, huh?

Miss Chapman,

Mmm hmm. Mmm hmm. Almost there.

Mmm.

Mon bag!

Mon bag! Bag!

Morello.

Morning, Red.

Mr. Caputo, please let me call my fiancÈ. I have to let him know I'm okay.

Mr. Healy, it was... I asked her.

Museum visits and fancy dinners.

My actual mother lives in Brazil with her boyfriend, Paolo,

My bag hasn't arrived.

My bag.

My boyfriend. And the nurse, too.

My cousin's being a bitch, so I'm thinking about dropping her.

My father, he sold candy out of a box.

My first time here?

My folks brought from The Palace.

My girlfriend?

My girls are clean.

My high school English teacher called my parents.

My mighty staff?

My money's not in yet, so.

My mother told her friends I'm doing volunteer work in Africa.

My top two faves are the ones with the half and half lids stuck to the pages.

My zipper's broken.

Nah, it's fine. It's fine. He does his paperwork. That's a good thing.

Nah.

Namaste, Jones!

Name is Chapman.

Neptune's Produce.

Never heard of it.

New guy, what's your name, Bennett?

New reading material.

Nicky, this is...

Nicky! Nicky, no! No!

No big deal. Even Bigfoot's gonna get laid sometimes.

No more chances. Two strikes, that's what she gets.

No more holes in his shoes.

No one gets a say. She was assigned by her counselor.

No one's gonna mess with you here unless you let them.

No shady lookin' mook in a fuckin' tampon truck?

No suspicious delivery guy,

No visiting today.

No, I just walked out of that door and it brought me right here.

No, I want you to get me out.

No, I...

No, I... Look, I volunteered.

No, I'm going. It's okay, I'm going, okay? I'll be right back, okay?

No, I'm not still a lesbian.

No, it doesn't. This is one, two, not two, one.

No, it won't. It's waterproof. Stop.

No, my mom's saving that one for my sister.

No, no, no. I asked her.

No, no. It's no problem. We look out for our own.

No, thanks.

No, that's really okay.

No, what do you mean by that?

No!

No! Don't you go!

No! No. Please don't call your dad. He already hates me.

No! The guard S. O'Neill?

No.

No.

No. Fuck, no. Gay!

No. It's my mom.

No. No Nudie Judies.

No. No, no, I didn't.

No. Not for a second.

No. Seriously, no.

No. You sleep on top of the bed. With a blanket over you.

Nobody else gets through this gate?

Not anymore.

Not as many as you.

Not gonna barf.

Not just the ones who drink your goddamn Kool Aid.

Not really.

Not too close, though. I'm contagious.

Nothing.

Nothing. Never mind.

Now get the fuck out the way.

Now get the hell out of my office.

Now that her supply's been compromised,

Now they look like Chiclets, look.

Now, just shut up.

Now, stop it. She doesn't know you're joking.

Now, the prison doesn't need a case of the junkie jitters on record,

Now, you are not allowed down there.

Now? Now? Now.

Of course he rolled his fucking eyes!

Of course it is. We just gotta have a little talk, you and me.

Of course, honey.

Of course.

Of course.

Of course. Okay?

Oh, a fish. You like fish?

Oh, crap!

Oh, damn it!

Oh, don't get all PC on me. It's tribal, not racist. I'll see you around.

Oh, fuck her.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, God. No, thanks.

Oh, hold on. Another one.

Oh, honey. There's wicked fungus in the showers.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to stay healthy.

Oh, it's a terrible title.

Oh, jeez. I don't think you're gonna be eating for a while.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, Jesus, Larry. Why would you want...

Oh, Jesus! Shut that thing off.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, no. Baby. Stop. Stop, stop.

Oh, just my luck, right? I go into labor

Oh, leave her alone.

Oh, Leonard.

Oh, Maria might be in labor.

Oh, my God, Larry, by the time I get out

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, is that the Times?

Oh, my God. Alex?

Oh, my God...

Oh, my...

Oh, no, that's okay. You don't need to do that.

Oh, no, your first time in prison?

Oh, no!

Oh, no. You cannot have a phone in here.

Oh, okay, then.

Oh, Piper, for heaven's sake!.

Oh, really? I bet my balls we get 10 more

Oh, shit.

Oh, sweetie...

Oh, that's my machine. I need it at night.

Oh, that's not so bad. I got 34, but I'm hoping with good time it'll be less.

Oh, wait. Crowning. Let's look at crowning.

Oh, well, I mean, when you say it like that.

Oh, well, my husband isn't home. He's got the checkbook.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you asshole!

Oh, you're cold. Come here.

Oh?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh...

Oh...

Okay, go sit there. She's a nice white lady.

Okay, I need to make sure you swallowed that.

Okay, I'm gonna send you all through to processing,

Okay, I'm not sure that our current situation applies here.

Okay, if her cervix has softened, she's definitely in labor.

Okay, Mendoza, this is Diaz. Go, go. She'll help you.

Okay, Mom, please.

Okay, now lick it, softly and tenderly,

Okay, okay.

Okay, so be careful.

Okay, so tell me everything. From the very beginning.

Okay, so we don't just do inmate laundry, right?

Okay, stop it. Stop it. Come on. It's okay.

Okay, we are ready. Everybody inside.

Okay, what?

Okay, you are not allowed to have a heart attack.

Okay, you're taking this personally.

Okay?

Okay? I'll be right back.

Okay? Please send that check immediately.

Okay? Two seconds.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. And it's, uh, Luschek.

Okay. Come on.

Okay. Here it goes.

Okay. How about that?

Okay. How about wrench in your twat?

Okay. I will.

Okay. It's just, I'm not supposed to be this far from camp.

Okay. Let me show you around over here.

Okay. Right.

Okay. Thanks.

Okay. Yeah.

On the surge in home wineries in Brooklyn.

On to the last supper.

One guy had a beard.

One more coming, hold on.

One of my roommates had a massive heart attack when she got here.

One of Polly's friends? She said she felt like she knows you

One of your little adopted daughters

One second. Can I say hello?

One Sentence, Two Prisoners.

One Sentence, Two Prisoners.

Ooh!

Op... Thank you.

Open your mouth, stick out your tongue.

Or broccoli lightin' shit up with a flame thrower.

Or if you, in any way, get me moist with your fluids.

Or that cute little sad face that might work on your fucking boyfriend.

Or TV to glance at.

Or you prefer pipe as your name suggests?

Or, uh, if you took your top off and rubbed up against it.

Orientation is tomorrow at 9:.00.

Orientation starts in 1 0 minutes.

Our own?

Our story.

Over there.

Ow!

Patricia Miller.

People are always saying that there's never a perfect time.

People like you, Piper Chapman.

People thinking you've been a bad mommy.

Personally, I went on sad drugs when I got here,

Pigs. Cops.

Piper Chapman was part of the ring.

Piper, I love you. I will see you on Friday.

Piper, listen to me. You cannot lose your shit, okay?.

Piper, that's my rinsing cup. Piper, you put a pee stick in my rinsing cup.

Piper, the baby would come home,

Piper, there is no it yet.

Piper, you can. You so can, okay?

Piper, you can't be taking advice from a nun and a hippie.

Piper.

Piper. Chapman.

Piper. Chapman.

Piper. Rhymes with sniper.

Piper...

Please, be brave. Don't let anyone into your granny panties.

Please, please tell me you're okay.

Please, step back, there's plenty for everyone

Please.

Please. Please! Please, don't go!

Please. Please.

Polly and Piper. PoPi. We're gonna be in Barneys.

Polly, I'm really sorry.

Poppy.

Porn. He just... He sent porn.

Prison, not jail.

Probably makes it harder.

Put it away. I'm enjoying menopause very much, thank you.

Put it on. I had it sized. Good.

Quietly.

Read that manual, unjam the door, step the fuck up!

Reading about, uh...

Really, Red?

Really.

Recount, ladies!

Red says she made that special for you.

Red sent me. Says she doesn't play baseball.

Red?

Red? But I'm color blind!

Red's fighting a bigger fight. Shit's changing around here.

Relax. I do this all the time.

Reminder, ladies,

Repeat, all inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice.

Restaurants come and go, yes?

Reznikov. Red.

Right after the soldiers' lunchtime.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Romano?

Rooms are there. Dorms are down there.

Russians don't play baseball.

S. O'Neill.

Salud!

Salud!

Same shit happened to me every fuckin' time.

Saw it on a scuba diving trip. Thought it was beautiful.

Schools, hospitals.

See that? That's me.

See, I want something that's gonna express my personality.

Self surrender.

Sent down to seg, and an extended sentence.

Seriously, shut it off.

Seriously?

Seriously?

Seriously? Yes!

Shampoo for you.

She chained herself to a flagpole at a nuclear test site.

She doesn't know me.

She foraged for dandelions.

She got out?

She had thyroid cancer

She has an irrational fear of the spin cycle. Won't step foot in here.

She have the baby? Yeah.

She insulted the food in front of Red.

She is a cunt. I am an embarrassment.

She is supposed to take care of us.

She just cried and shook.

She just got a 100 series shot for a nasty case of the DTs.

She made a mistake, okay? She's 19 years old.

She needs to go down,

She never talks.

She teaches yoga if you ever want. And she's good. She's very spiritual.

She works in the laundry room,

She works up front, eats souls for fun?

She'd want you to have a good time, I'm sure.

She'll burn the shit out of your scalp. Go. Line's moving.

She's got a way of bringing stuff in.

She's guilty she's leaving. It's a guilt pig roasting box.

She's your mom?

Shh!

Shit, I don't blame you.

Shit, no. Girls got my back, right?

Shit! Shit!

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

Shit. I'm sorry.

Shit's funny.

Show her the ropes tomorrow.

Show off those abs.

SHU. That's solitary?

Shuffleboard table. You're welcome.

Shut the car off.

Shut up.

Shut your mouth and stand still.

Sir, I can get an officer to escort you out.

Sister? As in nun?

Sitting on those dryers for their own enjoyment.

Sneeze on me.

So abusive.

So am I. Treats come when I sleep better.

So do I.

So he did it again, day after day.

So I figured she knew more about the machines than I did.

So I go out and he's not in the waiting room, he's not in the lobby.

So I had to let the guy run the meter until Polly's dad got there.

So I never carried drugs. Just money.

So no phone?

So the nurses hated me, 'cause I kept makin' Exorcist jokes.

So there's the challenge.

So they ran mine instead.

So this is my last post as a free woman.

So you can stick your wrench in her twat.

So you do whatever.

So you're gonna walk her through it.

So you're good.

So you're having a party. An Evite equals party.

So you're saying that you don't want it.

So, apparently they pulled Randy's story

So, it looks like the safety lock

So, listen. You know all those conversations

So, there's an entire pig in there?

So, this is all of 'em, huh? All the approved vendors?

So, Wanda Bell?

So, we make our beds in the morning before they...

So, what, Nicky never came back?

So, what's your name? Your last name. Everyone uses last names here.

So, when this dries, you should be good to go.

So, you gonna tell me how it went, or what?

So, you got the nice fresh breath all the time. It's minty. It's beautiful.

So, you have experience in kitchens.

So?

So?

So. Now, Chapman, what's your story?

Some blanca guesser bitch won the Twix.

Some experience. Yes.

Some of the guards drop off their clothes, too.

Someday you're gonna write the whole paper, bro.

Someone told me that you never have had a visitor.

Something sweet for us? To go with the coffee?

Something's been getting in here.

Sometimes it feels like there's never enough time,

Sometimes the kitchen has to sc**** the mold off the top before they serve it.

Sorry, princess.

Sorry.

Sounds like a horror movie, doesn't it? The Vegetable People?

Sounds like fun.

Speaking of whom, he is taking me out for a drink tonight.

Spread your cheeks and cough.

Squat.

Start the car, inmate.

Stop. Wait!

Strip.

Sure, newbie.

Sure.

Sweating it out by the end of the month.

T en years ago.

T urn around.

Take a nice shower, get dressed, you'll start to feel normal soon enough.

Take me to the hospital.

Tapatio, Texas Pete... Shit, I don't even care.

Tattoos?

Tays!

Tell me if you're gonna barf. Because there's a can behind you.

Tell me your name again?

Tell my mother to come on Saturday,

Than the time you fixed our toaster

Thank you, Mommy.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for everything.

Thank you. Thank you, guys.

Thanks, Red.

Thanks, Red.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks. What's that thing?

That ever happens in your life, ever.

That girl that you wrote about? That's not me.

That I've been in for so long. I don't...

That it?

That light comes on, you need to be where you're supposed to be,

That maricon wouldn't know labor

That people actually want to get pregnant now.

That shit never gets old, right?

That sounds like Two Girls, One Cup.

That thing. Like this is my fault.

That was my life.

That wasn't adventure or a romp.

That we've had about making my time in there meaningful?

That whole common room smells like farts. It kind of takes away the magic for me.

That would make Lil Wayne vomit in his dreads.

That, and I stockpile from commissary.

That's all you've gotta say?

That's better.

That's cutting it pretty close. All right, here we go.

That's good. Is your back hurting again?

That's great, honey.

That's it. Just those five.

That's it. Now leave me the fuck alone.

That's Miss Rosa.

That's the baby comin'.

That's tough.

That's weird.

That's what all of the books said.

That's what got you in there, and that's what's gonna get you through.

That's what the counselors are for.

That's what they charged me with.

That's what Yoga Jones said. But it's just been one day.

That's what you're supposed to say, right? It's a baby.

The 'stache is not for fags, it's for fuckin' men.

The bags do not make it onto the right flight sometime.

The blonde one was screaming and the hot one was stuck inside.

The day the fucking plague hits.

The fiance? Mmm hmm.

The food here is disgusting.

The hospital van just parked. Let's go have a baby.

The hot one? The hot one?

The label fell off.

The men who run these restaurants, maybe we meet with them, maybe you

The motor gets stuck all the time.

The music was beautiful, the weather was great.

The mustache. It hasn't become like a gay thing, has it?

The old Moscow mule.

The Palace.

The rest of the world got to read your story before I did.

The shelves could use a little dusting.

The Tibetan monks make them out of dyed sand

The vegetable people.

The webcam horror, the penis shaving incident.

Then it's your fault. Your mess.

Then you're not out chasing bids.

Then, and only then, we can explain other income.

There are things out here much worse than some scary Russian bitch.

There was always lunch,

There wasn't very much when I started.

There were always soldiers,

There'll have been, like, three new generations of iPhones.

There's a broken dryer in the laundry room.

There's a cord right there.

There's a nurse.

There's actually too much.

There's creepy linens dude, and the dry goods lady,

There's no menu, or basket of bread on the table,

There's no room. Apparently, my head's already up there.

There's other people in this prison,

There's six bridesmaids.

These are kinda like Toms.

They asked you a lot of questions?

They make me constipated.

They might peg you for rich and try to hit you up for commissary.

They stand up on they own all perky and everything.

They strapped me down to a bed just like this.

They told me I should talk to you. I don't have a PAC number.

They wipe it all away.

They won't even find out I was using.

They'll be here soon. Just rest.

They'll put me in the SHU, and I'll die in there.

They'll try to be your friend, just stay away from them.

They're great. And they come in lots of different colors and...

They're not gonna bother you.

They're running bets.

They're sick. Pussies. I don't believe in getting sick.

Thing is, she's been here 10 months.

Thirty four months is a long time.

This fiance of yours...

This fucking shitty piece of goddamn dryer!

This guy...

This is a federal facility. You have to take that out.

This is a really big thing.

This is a TB test. Nice veins.

This is all just a big adventure with liver and Yoga Jones,

This is awesome.

This is Chapman. She's new. Self surrender. Thinks she's fancy.

This is great. Really, Polly, thank you.

This is my fault. No. Mr. Healy...

This is my great aunt Marcia's.

This is the dining hall, common room, counselor's office.

This isn't about you.

This isn't Oz.

This room is for prayer.

This whole time, you've been giving it to her.

This world is full enough with bitches trying to kill you.

This your job. I know you like it here.

Those are those round Buddhist art things.

Those things we did, you and me,

Till we run out.

Time to say goodbye. It might be a while till you can visit, fiancÈ.

Time? It's the same.

To accept this call, please press one.

To get Lucy coming out, they made me eat a whole pineapple.

To starting a prison family?

To the first of many articles in world class publishing and the like.

To this motherfucking wanker right here.

To wash your hands, and do not share towels.

Told a CO to kiss her ass. Dumb. Why make trouble for yourself, you know?

Tonight is your night, mate,

Too much coffee irritates the stomach lining.

Too much.

Tough shit. Next.

Trailer park all star with the classy neck tat?

Trust me. Have you been out there?

Try to look at your experience here as a mandala, Chapman.

Trying to cut down.

Twelve years.

Two minutes. You got two minutes, that's it.

Two screws sticking right out of it,

Two seconds.

Two sleeps on top of your bed. And then, I will be there.

Two sleeps. That's it.

Two strikes. That's all you get.

Ugh.

Uh, Polly, too. And some other people. To, uh, celebrate.

Underachieving, underemployed Jew boy loves her.

Until I'm short on rent, then I may hock it. But I'll try to get it back before you're out.

Until one day, he passed by an army base,

Up your ass.

Wait a minute, you've got to have some Khalva back there or something, no?

Wait for the next shuttle from Paris. It's probably on that plane.

Wait, can you go back to the heart attack?

Wait, Chapman? Are you Chapman?

Wait, I think I got it. Ready?

Wait, no.

Wait, Piper, where are you going?

Wait, you ain't playin'?

Wait.

Want me to read it? I am going to read it.

Was it your grandmother's?

Was my happy place.

Was she really in the shower this morning?

Was stand there and open his box.

Watch out for that one.

We can help her. Just give her a chance.

We had a lot of fun.

We had fun as usual.

We have to move product regularly.

We know how to do it so we'll pass inspection.

We need to talk.

We should check their assholes thoroughly.

We should go.

We were never friends, Piper. We weren't...

We'll figure it out.

We'll make it for you.

We're just getting started, bitch.

Welcome to Belgium. All good?

Well,

Well, because this peculiar,

Well, Grandmother, I wasn't really in it for the money.

Well, he's the face of the rules.

Well, I guess this one slipped in the mud.

Well, I have been feeling a little tense lately.

Well, I'd have to give notice.

Well, I'm gonna tell you.

Well, if it isn't Litchfield's biggest celebrity.

Well, in two days, you're gonna be wishing you had the flu.

Well, it's good thing you didn't. There's over 50 grand in that bag.

Well, it's not him. It's the rules.

Well, they're gonna know that I was crying.

Well, we could, we could start a new future now,

Well, who else is gonna do it? We do everything around here.

Well, you put your pee stick in my vagina.

Were you?

What are you doing?

What did he say?

What did you do?

What did you do?

What did you have for dinner?

What did your lawyer say?

What do I have to do for it?

What do you mean by that?

What do you mean?

What else am I gonna be doing in there?

What I told her to do. And watch your tone.

What if I want to sleep in the bed?

What is that?

What is that? Is that porn?

What on earth did you do with the money?

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell happened?

What the hell's going on?

What was I supposed to say? It was...

What, are you a vampire now? Do you need an invitation?

What, huh?

What, you expect me to wait for you to come around?

What, you studied for prison?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? It's locked. Are you okay?

What? No, of course not. Why would you say that?

What? Nothing.

What? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.

What? Too hetero?

What? What?

What'd he do?

What's it like when he comes to visit?

What's PoPi?

What's that supposed to mean?

What's the matter with your mother, she don't teach you Spanish?

What's the perspective on the pudding?

What's the statute of limitations on that?

What's up, T?

What's wrong?

Whatever.

When do we get outfits like everybody?

When I first got here, I had a massive heart attack.

When I get out, right?

When I got there,

When I said that I was here to surrender? Didn't he look surprised?

When those roots start to show, be sure to come and see me, okay?

When you buy a pair, the company gives another to a child in need.

Whenever you want.

Where do we send it?

Where does that belly go?

Where is everybody?

Where the hell is Pete?

Where was it we're going?

Where would you like me to put it then, Piper?

Where's she going with that tray? Can't take them out of here.

Wherever I tell you to go.

Which can be great.

Who destroys rainforests and collects photorealistic art.

Who else is going?

Who is doing four years.

Who ran an international drug smuggling ring.

Who you got for a counselor?

Who, me?

Who's a smoothie, now, bitches?

Who's about to go to prison, to marry me?

Who's they?

Who's this?

Whoa. You moved her in? The fuck is she doing?

Whoo!

Why are you making that face?

Why didn't you just tell me you were going to a party tonight?

Why would I want a felonious, former lesbian, WASP shiksa

Why?

Will I get in trouble?

Will you say that just one more time for me?

With a hot glue gun.

With a latte and a bacon scone.

With all of our friends.

Withdrawal from what?

Witness states, Piper Chapman carried drug money.

Woke up in full tilt withdrawal this morning.

Women fight with gossip and rumors.

Work hard to make something as meaningful and beautiful as you can.

Would know an opportunity...

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow. Thanks. Tell her I said thanks.

Wow. That's a lot.

Y'all are like a novela. You know that, right?

Y'all are like some cautionary tale shit.

Yeah, but she's the love of his life!

Yeah, he'll be there. I'm the love of his life.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, it got me a day late.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, she'll figure it out.

Yeah, something like that.

Yeah, stop here.

Yeah, well, I love you.

Yeah, well, no one told me either.

Yeah, well... Mommy needs you.

Yeah, your article came out today.

Yeah!

Yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah? Good luck with that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Brought you some O.J. Carton, not Simpson.

Yeah. Chap, like when your lips get all dry they're chapped.

Yeah. He left his credit card at the bar.

Yeah. Yep.

Yep.

Yep. A killer nun.

Yep. And you don't want it, honey. Trust me.

Yep. It's a head scratcher, but that's what we got.

Yes, that's me. But you have to wait.

Yes, they will.

Yes? Is that a yes?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. And all of the stress eating?

Yo, if that shit don't come through soon,

Yo, T, them motherfuckers don't know shit. You know that.

Yo, we gotta get some hot sauce

Yo, you on Facebook?

You ain't got what everybody else has.

You are a nice blonde lady, aren't you?

You are so strong, babe. You...

You are.

You can come on Friday. Please come on Friday.

You can go, Luchek.

You can help clean. We clean everything with Maxi Pads.

You can't put that in your pocket.

You can't take this check.

You could wear a wedding dress that's like a half shirt, you know?

You creative. I give you that, high tits.

You deal with it.

You did a year in the Peace Corps? I did a year in prison.

You didn't go through customs?

You do not want to see how I would deal with it.

You doing okay, Chapman?

You don't have to do anything.

You don't like the food? It's no problem.

You don't look half bad in those.

You focus on how you're gonna maintain your eyebrows behind bars.

You get something big, something steady,

You go down, you speak to the lady...

You got Polly into the...

You got what I asked you for?

You gotta figure out how to make things right with Red.

You gotta love a yoga body.

You gotta start filibustin' the WAC.

You gotta walk, honey.

You have no idea.

You have to remember that. It's all temporary.

You have to say it's amazing.

You having an okay time?

You hungry?

You joining the Aryan Nation?

You just keep to yourself. And you'll be fine.

You just need to look away.

You know everything about me! I tell you everything!

You know they sell flip flops at the commissary.

You know what I mean.

You know what I mean.

You know what?

You know what? Do not confuse this.

You know you would've gone my way if you hadn't married Jesus.

You know, Angie, our last cook, she's no longer with us.

You know, Don't bring a cent. Your money's no good here.

You know, for my son, they told me to play with my chichitas.

You know, I read that when Martha Stewart was in prison,

You know, I've been here for 22 years,

You know, if you ever wanna talk about it,

You know, it just gets the hormones going.

You know, that's one thing I'm gonna do in prison.

You know, you gotta just twiddle them. You wanna try it?

You know?

You like pussy, Piper?

You look beautiful, too.

You look beautiful.

You may not come back with a unibrow.

You mean...

You might learn something.

You might remember her as the bloodsucking dragon cunt?

You need a PAC number. Fill out a form. Whole rigmarole.

You need some spank bank material.

You offered.

You Park Slope narcissist.

You read that?

You said so yourself.

You see any babies around here?

You see, fucking white girl speaks Spanish.

You seem depressed. Even for prison.

You send her down the hill, she's fucked, and you know it.

You should break up with me.

You should come to class. Watch me chaturanga.

You should put some cold water on them.

You sick, too?

You skipped customs? Holy shit! It's genius.

You still a lesbian?

You sure you know what you're doing?

You sure?

You think if I wrote stories about you, I might make the papers?

You think your man is still gonna be around when you're out?

You trying to teach me all this,

You two should tour high schools for abstinence,

You understand?

You wanna know how she gets the contraband in?

You wanna marry me?

You wanna see something? What?

You want me to kill him?

You want that? Be my guest.

You want time to shower and eat, you gotta get up.

You wanted to see me?

You were a lesbian?

You won't die, you'll suffer.

You wouldn't happen to have been doing anything like that, would you?

You, quiet. She's laboring here.

You... So you're a... They let you drive?

You'll feel better in nine months.

You'll get your room assignments,

You'll stick this on your uniform when we get to that. Now...

You're a fucking waitress. You don't need to give a notice.

You're crazy. Your fake teeth are beautiful.

You're driving me crazy!

You're going to prison in three months.

You're gonna get up.

You're gonna have a great time.

You're gonna need your energy.

You're gonna tell him you were using

You're gonna walk down to the CO's office...

You're just there to keep me company, all right?

You're laundry, I'm electric. We're from different worlds.

You're making a huge mistake. This could go viral.

You're missing my shower.

You're my Pipes, okay? And I love you, and this is only temporary.

You're new. You're one of us. Consider it a gift.

You're not here to tell me I can't wear brown shoes with black pants.

You're not serving time in Cuba.

You're not supposed to wear that pretty whore lipstick either,

You're supposed to be my family.

You're telling me what I have to do?

You're too far from camp.

You're worried about how you look?

You've gotta watch out for the stealing.

Your bat mitzvah, bitch! What do you think I'm talking about?

Your body, yourself. It's a wonderland.

Your brother, he sent me a picture text of a thumbs up.

Your girlfriend? No.

Your hair looked good.

Your head's not here yet. Don't worry, it'll catch up.

Your mother sucks cocks in hell!

11:53 p.m.

Any personal items? Here.

Are we really gonna eat that? It's thematic.

Chapman! Yes.

Come on, I had to capture the moment. Shit. Turn it off!

Hello, Larry's phone. Amy?

Here. I'm here. Here I am. Here he is.

I didn't notice. Well, he looked surprised to me.

I gotta pee. What? No.

I love you so much. I love you, too!

I was talking! Amy, it's not always about you, dear.

I'll call you as soon as I can. Okay.

I'll make sure the list is in the visiting room. Thank you so much, Mr. Healy.

Is he in here? Yes. Everybody's in there.

Make some memories, you know? Yeah.

Mom. Let him talk, Amy.

Need a hoist? Yeah.

No track marks. Thanks.

No. I'll call my dad.

No. It's my Lance Armstrong rock.

No. No.

Piper? Give me the phone.

She's right. Okay, fine.

Such pretty hair. Thank you.

Thank you. You got them TV titties.

They always screw it up. How hard is it to fucking count?

Wait, I got... What?

We got to do it. I know.

Well, should I go back? Fuck, no. We're going to the hotel.

What are you gonna write? Hey!.

What does this button do? No! Don't touch that.

What is that supposed to mean? Piper?

What size shoe are you? Nine and a half, ten.

What? Give me that!

What? I'm so fat from all the stress eating.

What? Rise and shine.

What? You didn't sign up for this.

Who's this? My fiancÈ.

Who's Tom? Toms are shoes.

Wrap it up, Chapman. I'm Chapman here.

Yeah? Okay.

Yeah? You like that? Always smell... Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Really?

You got flip flops? No.

You hungry? I'm starving. Excuse me.

You knew that. Now.

You turn it on? Yeah, I turned it on.

...have a name stitched on them like he's a third grader.

...to something back there that's got, like,

'cause a minute with you two is better than Plan B.

'Cause I'm gathering a nice collection here.

'Cause your tits are popping out of your shirt.