The Brothers Grimsby (2016) Edit

A day when poverty will be eradicated. And I know it's possible.

A huge manhunt is underway...

A man can only take so much jizz.

Activate Chilcott.

Activate Chilcott.

All right, chemistry class is over.

All right, listen.

All right. Come on. Let's take a look at me travel photos of London.

All the better.

All we need is England to score. This'll be the best day of my life.

Alpha 1 now on Foxtrot. I'm in pursuit.

Alpha 1's now Bravo 1. He's mobile.

Although I don't know who she is. I'm just being hilarious. That's our Britney.

Amazing. Gotta get one of these for the kids.

And at the base of it...

And England to have the ball. Time for one last attack, baby.

And here we are now, with me brother...

And I bet you that it tastes of kebab with extra curry sauce.

And I need to find a pub to watch the final in.

And I thought you were going to be faithful, Sebastian.

And it all starts right here, right now...

And let's be frank, who's gonna miss them anyway?

And one day...

And one of them liked them a little too much.

And Raheem Sterling scores for England!

And sitting there with their hand out, expecting the rest of us to pay.

And stop flirting. We're on an open channel.

And there will be plenty of both at the end of the match...

And this here is Luke.

And this is me with me finger up an African boy's ass.

And this is our new babby, Django Unchained.

And whom, exactly, do you intend to delete?

And you could have had mine.

Answer it.

Anyway, follow me.

Are those your bollocks? Heh.

Are you gonna shoot me?

Are you in position yet, Agent Graves?

Are you in position yet, Agent Graves?

Are you okay?

As Jesus said, Thou shalt not suck off your own fucking brother.

At its maximum, the mother's uterus expands to 25 cubic feet.

At least I won't lose you for another 28 years.

At the end of the game, everyone in the stadium will be infected.

At your age, you should just be vaping.

Aw, it's so good to have you back in Grimsby.

Banu, out!

Be advised, multiple hostiles to the east.

Because of you, the head of the World Health Organization is dead...

Behind you!

Better than expected.

Bomb?

Bonus point.

Boys!

Brace yourself, Seb.

Bravo 1 is now mobile. He has backup. End pursuit now.

Brown... Brown shrapnel?

Buckle up!

But I don't have another asshole.

But if you can't trust family, who can you trust?

But it's not all right to stand there and whinge like a low mopey bastard.

But Mr. and Mrs. Graves, these boys are inseparable.

But she's fit as fuck, so hands to yourself.

But that would leave one brother in the foster system in Grimsby.

But they both loved each other so very much.

But, Dad, he's been missing for 28 years.

By deleting the surplus.

By which time, 96,000 fans from almost every country in the world...

Can I ask you a question? Are you a Vin Diesel impersonator?

Can I help you?

Can I help?

Can you detect any imminent threat, Graves?

Can you do that?

Can you do that?

Can you see Lina Smit?

Can you zoom in on that stationery?

Can't believe it's happened again.

Capture and interrogate. Do not terminate.

Chilcott was dismissed for good reason, sir.

Choose. You can suck my scrotum or you can let me die.

Coddy. Coddy, don't go. Coddy.

Come back, Nobby!

Come here, Nobby.

Come on, everyone. Come on, squeeze up, squeeze up.

Come on, fish factory. Go there.

Come on, Sebbo. You can do it.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. It's stuck.

Commander, acknowledge.

Commander, relay back.

Could you send somebody up as soon as you can, please?

Couple of times? I'll show him your wall, Dad.

Cure the world.

Cut it out. Leave him alone.

Daddy was Palestinian.

Damn. The camera's a gun!

Did you really think I'd let you sleep with my wife, Mr. Graves?

Director General of the World Health Organization...

Disengage.

Do you really want your brother to die?

Do you remember me cousin, Digger?

Do you think our new parents will let us sleep in the same room?

Don't swallow the poison, and now spit it out.

Don't wet your knickers, it's treatable.

Don't worry. I won't leave you!

Don't worry. I've got this.

Don't worry. It's bulletproof.

Donald Trump has AIDS.

Dropped what?

Easy. Eyes on the target.

England fans in high spirits after Cup final victory.

England have won it!

England, World Champions, 2016.

England!

Exactly.

Excuse me, miss.

Excuse me, sir. I think you dropped something.

Excuse me. Which way to the stadium?

Eyes on the target.

Family.

Family.

Family.

Fascinating.

Find them.

Fish factory, this way.

Forever!

Forever!

Forget it.

Forget the football. You're gonna drown.

Found it. Virus is in one of the fireworks.

Four minutes to decide the final.

From top to bottom.

Fuck!

Gallagher is also being sought for abusing an elephant...

Get down.

Get in closer.

Get it out. Get out.

Get off me!

Get out now. Out.

Get out of the car now!

Get out. Out. Get out.

Get up.

Give me the antidote.

Go on. Shoes off.

Go to his room and seduce him.

Go!

Gonna kiss it?

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

Good God, Graves.

Good luck, Nobby.

Good. Let's get out of here.

Good. Uh, really good.

Goodbye, Nobby.

Goodbye, Sebastian Graves.

Goodbye, Sebastian.

Got to see the family.

Got you.

Graves took the shot.

Graves?

Graves.

Great.

Great. Because your ideas have netted nothing but gold up to this point.

Green Earth.

Green Earth.

H i.

H i.

H i.

Hakuna matata.

Has anyone ever told you...

Have you seen me brother Nobby?

Have you seen me brother? He's Sebastian.

He doesn't really. We just shave his head so we can claim the welfare.

He has information we must extract.

He was caught in the crossfire...

He'll have no future here.

He's currently in a hotel room with Lina Smit, his wife...

He's gonna score. England's gonna win the final.

He's meeting up with a biochemist called Joris Smit.

He's MI6's finest!

Hello, chaps.

Hello, pussycat.

Hello. There's an emergency.

Here we go!

Here we go. Just in here.

Here's a photo of him. It was taken a few years ago.

Hey, everyone.

Hey, Nobb Man.

Hey.

Hey. Ha ha ha.

Hey. Our favorite spy!

His name is not Sebastian, and that's all you need to know.

His name is Schlomo Khalidi.

Hostiles to your south, advancing on your position.

How could you not tell your own brother what you do?

How do I know that when I see it, I won't fall madly in love with you?

How do they know who I am?

How does me ass look?

How hard is it?

How now?

How was the heroin?

How's your brother going to blend in with football hooligans?

Huh?

I am not from Grimsby.

I am so sorry.

I bet it tastes like strawberries.

I didn't do it. I've had the worst ******* week ever.

I do not believe in never.

I do, however, have the antidote here.

I envision a day when people won't have to live like this.

I got them.

I have something for you to celebrate: the best heroin in Africa. Enjoy.

I haven't done one in a bed for over five weeks.

I hope I can reciprocate.

I just reconnected with mine.

I know he's out there somewhere.

I know. It's great to be back, isn't it?

I lost me panties.

I love you so much.

I mean, it completely detaches you from the guilt of your actions.

I mean, yesterday I'm having a normal day...

I might've mentioned you couple of times over the years.

I missed you so much.

I need another asshole.

I need another asshole.

I need you to find the identity of the man who killed Javier Alvarez.

I need you to suck this wound in my shoulder.

I need your help.

I refuse to lose you again.

I saw it on the BBC.

I searched for you for 28 years.

I should be heading back home anyway.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

I think our penises just fist bumped.

I think we're in business. I think we're in business.

I thought you just meant crack.

I thought you'd never ask.

I tracked him to the Tshukaru Bush Lodge in Kruger Park.

I trust you.

I understand why you love guns.

I understand why you want to kill the head of the World Health Organization.

I want you at this event, Sebastian.

I was born with HIV.

I will send you assistance.

I would look them straight in the eye...

I'd rather not.

I'll be there soon.

I'll try.

I'm doing it, I'm doing it.

I'm embarrassed to say I've never actually tried any before.

I'm from Grimsby too...

I'm from Grimsby. Jodie, which firework is it in?

I'm getting myself ready.

I'm going on holiday with me babby brother.

I'm going to go home and...

I'm hungry for a Grimsby breakfast.

I'm in 23.

I'm just trying to make the world a better place, that's all.

I'm meeting someone to find out why Lukashenko came here.

I'm not falling for that one. No way. No, you don't... What are you doing?

I'm showing some respect for the dead.

I'm so glad that you're alive.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. Sorry.

I've been busy. Congratulations, by the way. When are you due?

I've blocked the toiletry.

I've discovered where Lukashenko is.

I've got 11 kids, all right?

I've got a girlfriend. It's nothing serious.

I've got something very important I need to tell your dad.

I've got this. Blue Earth.

I've got to go. Remember, act sophisticated.

I've lost you once.

If I can find him, it'll clear my name.

If I help you, I'll be arrested.

If we have bunk beds, can I have the top?

If we have bunk beds, can I have the top?

If you don't, I could be dead by the end of the day.

In other news, a South African hotel maid has filed a suit alleging sexual assault...

In that case, I got two zeroes for free, so who's the idiot?

In the... In the bed? I'm not an animal.

Isn't life strange?

It fills the fractures in my ankle...

It should take two to three weeks for symptoms to start showing up.

It was a trickle of pre ejaculate at most. Grow up.

It won't work. The virus is in the tip of the firework.

It would break their hearts, and affect them both very badly.

It would need to explode in a contained environment to stop it spreading.

It's a kitchen, fully stocked.

It's a semifinal that has become gripped by tension.

It's a trickle of pre ejaculate at most. Grow up.

It's a virus called RD 9.

It's all right to be sad.

It's all you can eat.

It's because he used to wet the bed.

It's bounced in!

It's Chilcott. Move!

It's England who are looking more likely to steal a late winner.

It's Germany 1, England 1, and it's anyone's final now.

It's gonna break my neck.

It's good to reconnect.

It's Graves.

It's imperative no one know that I'm here.

It's in the central left hand rocket.

It's Jodie.

It's just this way, past the train station.

It's no place for a boy.

It's scum who built the hospitals that are now closing down.

It's scum who die in the wars started by the bastards in charge.

It's the assassin.

It's the greatest gift in life.

It's too late, I'm afraid.

It's traveling too fast. I need to be on top.

Jodie, I need you to check for anywhere that might contain the virus.

Jodie, I need you to do something for me.

Jodie, I need you to do something for me.

Jodie, me gun's jammed.

Just tell us what you know, and he'll let you live.

Keep quiet.

Kill him.

Ladies and gentlemen, we will cure the world.

Lads. Lads.

Leaders from around the world...

Ledford activated someone called Chil something...

Let me give you some advice, Ukrainian Ben Affleck.

Let's be quick with this. Shall I show it to you?

Let's celebrate responsibly.

Let's get acquainted.

Listen to me. You've gotta get out...

Listen, London were fab. But I missed you lot.

Listen, we're sending information to your lens.

Listen. You're a total fucking weirdo, right?

Locate the shooter. Locate the shooter.

Lonomia caterpillar toxin's entered your bloodstream, Mr. Beder.

Look who just sat down.

Look, I need to talk to your friend. Uh...

Look, Seb. That's the couple that's adopting us.

Looking like the guy from Despicable Me?

Lukashenko bought some kind of virus.

Maelstrom are sex traffickers.

Maid?

May I borrow this? Thank you.

May the best man win.

Maybe just shoot me.

Men and women of Grimsby, listen up. This is important.

Middle East peace symbol Schlomo Khalidi is in custody...

Middle East peace symbol Schlomo Khalidi...

Mission accomplished.

Mm. Why, what happened to your ankle?

Mm...

Morning, officer.

Move. Not that one!

Mr. Shelton.

Mummy was *******.

Must shake this out.

Naturally, you'll both be needing new identities.

Nazi bastard!

Need to stop her before she sets off the virus.

No one does know you're here.

No, he's currently on couch, smacked off his tits.

No, I meant cigarettes too.

No, I'm not okay.

No, no, no, I don't put my lips on another man's shoulder.

No, no, stop doing that now. It's weird.

No, the referee's gonna disallow it.

No, they're planning to bomb the final in Chile.

No, why are you taking those off?

No!

No! No!

No! Nobby!

No! Nobby! Come back!

No.

No.

No. But then again, I never thought that she'd chop up me poo with a hanger.

No. I'm keeping it the way he likes it.

No. She's gonna release this deadly virus...

No. That is me brother's room.

Nobby and Sebastian Butcher.

Nobby, can you hear me? The firework next to you also has the virus.

Nobby, I need you to listen to me.

Nobby, meet the head of the biggest crime syndicate in the world.

Nobby, shoot!

Nobby, what are you doing?

Nobby, what do you take me for? I know who that is. That's your brother.

Nobby!

Nobby!

Nobby!

Nobby?

Nobby?

Nobby? Nobby?

Nobby? Nobby? Have you seen me brother, Nobby?

Nobby.

Nobby.

Nobby.

Nobby. Nobby, Nobby.

Nobby. Pass us the ball.

Nobody buggers me brother.

Not much longer now.

Not to worry, all right?

Not your usual place to do it.

Nothing.

Now Carrick, here's Baines.

Now complete on Bravo 1, following Bravo 1.

Now I am very sick with AIDS.

Now, let me show you how wild this animal can be.

Now, should I tell you what I'm gonna do with it?

Of course.

Of course. I'd never leave my little brother.

Oh, bollocks.

Oh, God, I'm cornered. I should never have come here alone.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. That is revolting!

Oh, good. Maintenance is here.

Oh, great. We can watch the match while escaping.

Oh, he's free.

Oh, I'm not pregnant. I'm just fucking fat.

Oh, Jesus, he's a psychopath, that's a kill order.

Oh, look. I'm exactly like Sharon Stallone in Basic Instincts.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, it's not.

Oh, no! It's going over the bar!

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Open the door! Open the door!

Oh, Nobby. It's the firework to your left, not my left.

Oh, yes.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh. Well, that were easy.

Okay, bruv.

Okay, Mr. Shelton.

Okay, you need to head inside, find Lina Smit and seduce her.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. I come soon.

Okay. No, no, you're right.

Okay. What would you like written on your gravestone?

One, two, three.

Ooh!

Ooh.

Ooh. Heroin.

Or are you a hit man who specializes in kids with AIDS?

Or as I like to call it, WorldCure.

Out. Shh. Quiet. You don't have to live like this.

Ow!

Ow!

People are looking for me.

People have been chucked out of Grimsby for ordering vegetarian breakfast.

Perhaps you'd like to say what the Maelstrom Syndicate are planning.

Permission to abort now.

Philanthropist Rhonda George has been arrested.

Pitch invasion!

Please excuse me for one moment.

Please welcome Rhonda George.

Please, come in.

Pleasure to meet you, Sebastian.

Praise the Lord. I thought I'd lost you, brother.

Put this in your ear.

Quick! She's getting away!

Quick. In there. Let's go.

Really?

Regain your dignity. Out.

Rhonda George.

Right.

Rogue MI6 operative Sebastian Graves and his brother Nobby Butcher...

Sanjiv, now!

Seb, can I press this red button?

Seb, can I press this red button?

Seb, don't.

Seb.

Seb.

Seb.

Sebastian?

Sebbo! Oi!

Sebbo? Sebbo?

Sebbo. Come on.

See if the coast is clear.

See those blokes out there?

Send the coordinates to Chilcott.

She is gorgeous.

She's easy to spot.

She's hosting an event for WorldCure in two days, sir.

She's the actress and philanthropist.

She's wearing a green dress, and she's absolutely gorgeous.

Shh. Listen, I get it. You don't wanna get any brown shrapnel on your clothes.

Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman.

Sir, take a look at this!

Sir, we've got something.

So I ask you to join with us now...

So much color and noise.

So we meet again.

So we meet again.

So we're scum, are we?

So you were saved from the virus by an antibody found in elephant semen...

Someone's given you a hickey on your right nut. Ha ha ha.

Sources tell us that Radcliffe...

Stand by. Stand by. Eyes on the target.

Star of stage and screen, Daniel Radcliffe is here.

Stay down.

Straight on for 5 kilometers, then to the right.

Suck and spit. Suck and spit.

Suck hard.

Suck harder. Suck and spit.

Suck it. Suck harder. Suck and spit.

Suck my balls!

Surprise!

Take care, eh?

Take care.

Target heading north.

Target heading southwest through the German section.

Target mobile.

Tell my kids that Daddy died with dignity.

Ten seconds. That's all that's left. Oh, look at Sterling!

Thank you for coming so quickly.

Thank you.

That is me new mate, Tabansi. He flies to and from South America...

That is really fast service. I only just called down.

That one did.

That pellet held Lonomia caterpillar toxin. I'll be dead...

That says 200,016.

That surely puts England into the final in Chile.

That was you.

That's 198,000 years from now.

That's it.

That's not a compliment.

That's not Sebastian Graves.

That's our grandson, Gangnam Style.

That's the beauty of Linkedln.

That's, uh, me darts partner. Um, Ben Kingsley.

The boy's AIDS tainted blood then sprayed into the mouth...

The camera's a gun.

The garbage.

The head of the World Health Organization's been shot.

The imbeciles who lie around drunk, reproducing like rabbits.

The male can fuck for up to three hours.

The name is...

The only gift I ever got from my family was betrayal.

The operator.

The rapist.

The show will go on. The final will be restarted.

The target is Maelstrom's second in command.

The toxin's coursing through the left lobule of my teste.

Then kind of medium soft.

There is no bomb.

There you go, mate.

There's a commotion, sir.

There's nothing you can do.

There's really not much danger of that. Um...

There's the shooter!

There's you as a kid.

They'd better be because I just got this done.

They'll kill him and his family too if they catch him.

They'll never split us up.

They'll never split us up.

They're your family. Those are your nephews and nieces.

This is for Dad.

This is me with some free booze.

This is not heroin, this is rapid bone calcifier.

This is the decision we have come to.

This is the Norfolk Arms. This is the Dog and Duck.

This is the Three Crowns.

This is worse than 2 Girls and 1 Cup.

This killing business is a right laugh, isn't it?

This tragedy can turn into 65 pound 40 a week.

This.

Those are Manchester United supporters.

Though this disease may kill me...

Though when he comes back, I'll have to break it to him...

Tiger Tail. Undercover.

Time to say goodbye to your...

Tomorrow.

Too late!

Trump

Trust you? Trust you?

Uh oh.

Uh, ahem. Come on. In here. Let's do this.

Up the spermatic plexus to my kidneys. Suck it.

Very wise, Commander Ledford.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait. Since you're a spy, does that mean no one knows I'm your brother?

Was I not clear when I said I needed a secure location?

Was important to the boy on the bunk under you...

Watch out!

We are gonna figure this out.

We are here.

We are not alone.

We are now nearing the limit of live feed transmission.

We call him that because he's got leukemia.

We finally found your brother.

We have made our decision.

We have seven billion people running around on a planet...

We have to make it come.

We need the room. There's nine of us.

We need to go across the pitch.

We spit on your face! Here we go! Here we go!

We started too early.

We transport cod all over the world.

We were trying to return that beautiful ball to its rightful owner.

We'll take it.

We're digging into his background now, sir...

We're getting signal from Graves' lens, sir.

We're going to South Africa.

We're the Butcher Boys of Grimsby.

We're the fucking Butcher Boys of Grimsby.

We've decided we can take one of the brothers, Mr. Lowsley.

We've identified the partner, sir. He's Graves' brother.

Well done.

Well done.

Well, let me tell you something about scum:

Well, okay. Let me try and remember. Um...

Well, sanity has returned, and so have the players.

Well, then...

Well, think about it.

Well, you're missing out on the greatest gift in life:

Well... Well, you are, Pete. You're a registered sex offender.

What are you doing? Let someone else do that.

What can you see?

What do you want us to do, sir?

What is it?

What the fuck are you on about, Dad? It's Uncle Coddy.

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell just happened?

What was it? Milky? The fish travel agent?

What, she runs FIFA?

What, so you can gob **** him too? You monster.

What? Every man, woman and child in this stadium is about to die.

What? I'm a secret agent, I work for an offshoot of MI6.

What? No.

What? No. I draw the line at teabagging. Aah!

What? Sharon Osbourne?

What? Why? Uh...

When I started WorldCure...

When you meet him, your alias is Mr. Shelton. Did you get that?

Where are they gonna release the virus?

Where the fuck you been all these years?

Where?

Where's Nobby? Where is he?

Where's the operator?

Who are we? Come on, say it.

Whoa.

Whoo...

Why are you doing this?

Why did Lukashenko meet your husband?

Why did you do it?

Will you stop shooting everything?

With a chance!

Within the title of my occupation is the word secret.

Yah... Hoo.

Yeah, it's good. It's really good.

Yeah, well, I told you not to smoke.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yes. Room clean.

Yes, I did, brother.

Yes, sir.

Yes, there is.

Yes!

You abandoned me when I was 6. Now, why?

You are going to have to take his place.

You are now transmitting.

You are the most beautiful thing to ever walk the Lord's green earth.

You can have the top, little man.

You can have the top, little man.

You can't do a secret mission on heroin.

You don't have guts.

You ever killed a man before?

You fell on it.

You have a family?

You just came on me face.

You just implanted a tracking device in my neck!

You know what?

You know, you really filled a hole in my life.

You managed to do in three seconds what Voldemort failed to do in eight movies.

You must be freezing.

You need me help.

You need to find out from her. You may need to seduce her.

You need to find out where Maelstrom are planning to blow up tomorrow.

You probably don't recognize it since it were gentrified.

You see that lass over there?

You see? Hard, soft, hard.

You stay here, understood?

You want a cup of tea? There's a kebab. Have anything.

You want room clean?

You won't see me again.

You work the shaft, and I'll cradle the balls.

You'd rather make love to a maid than me?

You're coming with me. Right, Nobby?

You're going to get your bloody head kicked in.

You're gonna follow me and do exactly what your big brother says.

You're never alone in Grimsby, bruv.

You're not Seb.

Your brother is gonna be at a fancy party tomorrow.

Your uncle don't want to look at pictures of me and him all day. Do you?

...and storm that pitch... Yeah!

...in 90 seconds if you don't suck it out. Okay, okay.

...that's all I know. Chilcott?

...throughout the last few days. Looks like the perfect place...

...to see England play in the final. How do you know if England...

...who used to get dripped on at night. Get on with it.

A Maelstrom sleeper, no doubt. Just some working class scum, sir.

Aah! Roll it up. Roll it up.

Actually, painfully so. Mm hm. Mm.

Ahem. Nobby. Oh.

All of it. Right.

All right, kids. Out. Now. Out. Listen to your mum. Out quick.

An assassination. Rhonda George?

And how am I going to do that? Figure it out.

And Sebastian... What is it?

And this is Charing Cross police station. Fucking pigs.

Aw! Missed you too. Missed you too, Dad.

Aw... Check your e mail.

Book me a room at the lodge. I have done. Your alias is Mr. Shelton.

Brace yourself! No. Aah!

Brother? Kyle Alan Butcher a.k.a. Nobby Butcher.

But how will I get in? Me cousin's nicked you a ticket.

Butcher Boys of Grimsby, together... Forever.

Check if they've gone. I'm trying to. Unh!

Chilcott. Move. What is it?

Come back, Nobby! No.

Come on, come on. So little time remaining.

Come on, Sterling. The ball's broken for Sterling here.

Come on. Pass it.

Come on. Yeah!

Come on. Get over me shoulder. Aah!

Dad! Oh, my God.

Do it, or I'll be dead in 60 seconds. I've been searching for you...

Don't worry. Didn't come out me bum. Oh.

Exactly. All right. I know just the place.

Find them and kill them. Yes, sir.

For God's sake. What?

For God's sake. What?

Get in there. Raheem Sterling's through.

Get it off me. Aah.

Get it out. It's breaking me asshole.

Get off him! Aah!