Man Up (2015) Edit

A 24 year old triathlete by the way.

A fun,...

A grand gesture that amounted to nothing. Hands arse.

A, I wouldn't say happy, exactly.

Actions, you know. More than words.

Actually, I'm just gonna tell you,

Adam, thank you.

After this shot I will be stronger, wiser and finally moving on.

After this shot I will be stronger, wiser and finally moving on.

Ah, yeah. OK.

Ah! Snap.

Ah! Yeah, yeah.

Ah... Busted.

All night you've had all these theories and opinions

All successful relationships are based on whether you're both outdoorsy...

ALL: Ah!

ALL: Ah!

ALL: I'm Nancy!

ALL: Nancy!

Alright, what is next?

Alright! So, book, check. And clock, check.

Although I think it would have been hard to miss you under that huge clock.

Although it does prove what a publishing sensation Six Billion has been.

Although, you know, I had a few reservations about today,

And a boyfriend.

And although I doubt that we have another 40 years ahead of us...

And blind date. Check!

And congratulations on your massive pack of lies.

And don't forget the chocolate mousse.

And Ed, the man she left me for.

And I don't know why I brought you here.

And I know a really fun place just over the river.

And I know you can sense it. So I'm gonna just keep going

And I was gonna bring him here and everything.

And I was just thinking, I'm actually quite scared, because I couldn't see.

And I'm gonna start the bidding

And I'm pretending to be the girl he's supposed to be on a date with.

And I'm so sorry that I was late to meet you.

And in bars and just, like, on the street.

And it has to be tonight.

And it means that I was right and she was wrong. Taxi!

And keep your cynical wisecracks and theories to yourself. OK?

And look at you both. Yeah, really special.

And look at you now.

And not doing things.

And not in just that he's a really good bowler type way.

And secondly, I mean, you're not holding on to her.

And she so needed to read it. She was a very unhappy soul.

And she's right, Fran.

And so he went to go and meet his real blind date.

And so it's made me not the most positive person.

And so, quite possibly,

And some psycho pretends to be them instead?

And still as beautiful.

And suddenly you've nothing to say?

And telling her what I should have told her earlier on.

And that feeling will eventually pass. Promise.

And that I should look for the blue bits.

And the reason why this speech is gonna be so rubbish.

And then a 15, maybe a quick 69 but only if we've just had a bath.

And then I won't dismantle your web of deceit, Little Miss... Muffet.

And then in our pants.

And then suddenly, whoa, we're a PG 13 wearing tartan pyjamas to bed

And then we'd talk about what we're gonna do and exchange ideas.

And then you came out of the toilets looking like... Hmm...

And there is no wife because she left you.

And they're alive and kicking

And this girl who took a chance on me

And we had to get it resized because she got awfully thin.

And where do I find these blue bits?

And who are you to say that my marriage was doomed?

And who knows, maybe today will end up being not just our anniversary.

And you are very good at pretending to be people that you're not.

And you lot are like, Wow, our sex life is always gonna be like a porn film.

And you owe me, Nancy.

And, you know, no, it didn't work out, but...

Andy. My sister would like to speak to you.

Anyway, I passed them all, so.

Anyway, I'm so glad that you're a fan of Six Billion People and You as well.

Anyway, let's not talk about that. It's just bad juju.

Anyway, look, I was in here with him

Apart from one thing.

Are they here now? Hell, no.

Are you the strippergram?

Are you? Well, good for you.

As you were about to get another strike.

At least I'm not walking around like I'm bloody catch of the century.

Attenzione.

Aw. (CHUCKLES)

Be more deviant.

Be spontaneous when there's nothing else planned.

Because he said he wouldn't tell you who I really was if I kissed him.

Because I know what I wanna get up to next.

Because I won? Are you not used to that?

Because I'm not exactly the poster child for the dating industry.

Because Jack and I, God, we're still in porno land really.

Because nothing was gonna stop me from finding this girl

Because who would have a plan for something so fucked up?

Because, if you hadn't,

Because, you know, the bots are taking over!

Bert and Fran.

Bert, are you ready? Yeah?

BERT: Franny,...

BERT: I'm going!

BERT: Ladies and gentlemen,

BERT: Oh...

Black...

Bloomsbury Bowling Lanes, please.

Brought you some nachos. On the house.

But how the hell else are you gonna meet someone?

But I just thought, You know what, Jack? I trust Tom.

But I'm not gonna let a failed marriage put me off relationships for good.

But I'm still standing. I'm still putting myself out there.

But in her defence, she does have a very good reason for her tardiness.

But never putting yourself out there. You never take chances.

But right now, whatever happens tonight, wherever we end up,

But this is my first real date really since the D word.

But undeterred, I commandeered these brilliant young drunks,

But what I really want to do is paint.

But you did blow job paradox me?

But you don't really believe that just because we both like spag bol,

But you're gonna piece yourself back together.

But, actually, the reason that I had to buy another copy

But, er, she's been a little delayed.

But, I mean, seriously...

By using the medium of dance. Hello.

Cephalonian, actually.

Cheers, Dad.

Cheers, Elaine.

Cheers.

Class 5G, Saint Andrew's Comprehensive. '88 to '93.

Come here, sweetheart. Let it all out. There you go.

Come here.

Come on, come on, come on!

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, my lovely, just tell us what happened.

Come on, Pattersons, clock's ticking.

Come on, please. Nancy Patterson. Anybody help me with Nancy Patterson?

Come on, wouldn't hurt. Just a tiny little blow job.

Come on! It's just all so organised and awkward and I can't bear it.

Come on. (CHUCKLES)

Come up with elaborate theories and make monumentally bad decisions and...

Confess what?

Cool and confident. Now, stealing other women's dates from under clocks.

Cos it's actually the reason I was so late

Could you put the Do Not Disturb sign on, please?

D'you wanna get out of here? It is fucking freezing

Dad, I don't know. He said he wasn't a psychopath.

Declarations. Heart on the line. Life changing kind of stuff.

Denial, depression, acceptance.

Derailing my date.

Did I actually say that?

Did you wanna leave your knickers in there?

Divorce.

Do you have any ketchup, Andy, please? Hello?

Do you remember the first thing you ever said to me?

Do you still put an M in it when it's moustache dyeing week?

Doing the goodnight rollover before you can say missionary position.

Dom, it is like your single years have been completely wiped from your memory.

Don't be so harsh on Nancy.

Don't fucking touch me.

Don't make those noises, I'm right on the edge.

Don't make those noises, I'm right on the edge.

Don't seal up just yet. It'll happen. I promise.

Don't you think that's what I wanted?

Don't you think this is a bit...

ED: Four sambucas, please.

ED: How did you meet?

Either way you're the right Ryan for me.

ELAINE: Imagine that, Mum.

ELAINE'S HUSBAND: So where's this Jack now?

Engage with...

Er, but I'm also quite proud of myself because I tried.

Er, bye.

Er, I actually had something prepared but...

Er, no.

Er...

Even though you stood her up? Is she a loser?

Everyone's connected. You'll have some mutual friends or something.

Except she turned out to be the right girl.

Excuse me! Coming through.

Finally! Nearly sent out a search party.

Fine, I'll meet Jessica.

Fine.

Fine. I'll put my clothes back on and have a word with Jack about Jessica.

Five days on chocolate Nesquik. And two days strawberry Nesquik.

Focus, Jack.

For the genius Six Billion Ways to get to know you list that you suggested.

FRAN: Come on, tell us, what's the matter, darling?

FRAN: Oh, no. No, no.

Fuck it.

Fuck!

Fucking hell, Sean! Leaving? I wasn't leav...

Funky.

Get stronger thighs!

Get stronger thighs.

Glued it back together. It was only about 57 pieces.

Go easy, Nancy, it is a partition wall.

Go on then. I don't mind. I've actually worked out today...

Go, go, go! Bon chance, mon amigo.

Go!

God, I felt like, Please don't stop.

Good luck with the triathleting. Thank you, Jessica!

Good! Even better. Lead the way.

Good. And you're going.

Gosh. Sorry, just bit of a first date no no...

Got a bit of jalapeño in your teeth.

Grand romantic gestures. That's what it's all about.

Great. So you weren't faking it the whole night, then?

Guys, she didn't even answer the phone. Some man did. I think she's on a date.

Hands arse. That's right.

Hannibal and Clarice are here. Not to mention Andy. But he's just leaving.

Has it... What's your...

Have you ever tried to do it in a cubicle that small?

He de authorised me from his iTunes.

He didn't know. Hey, this is Nancy, by the way. My girlfriend.

He does this. It's kind of blackmail.

He hates Facebook. He loves yoga.

He said he wanted to go to China to find himself.

He was right there.

He...

He's a very emotional man.

He's looking for... Who are you looking for again?

He's not gonna set me up with somebody who I've nothing in common with.

Hello, I'm Sean. Ooh, strawberries. Favourite!

Hello, Ryan. I'm Nancy.

Here's your theory. You think, I'm so wounded and rejected.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, don't worry, Baby Cakes. This was bound to happen sooner or later.

Hey, this is our song. We should dance. It's very special. Isn't that mad?

Hey, what a great way for us to recognise each other. What a great idea.

Hey, you got the wrong girl, like a normal person, erm...

Hey, you know. New mantra. (CHUCKLES)

Hey!

Hey.

Hey. Sir. Kind person.

Hey. What are you doing?

Hey. Where did you two get to?

Hey...

Hi.

Hi. Sorry. I'm not looking.

HILARY: So...

Hm.

Holy... You know what, Sean? I'd be quite happy to take the train.

How about that?

How is the party going on downstairs?

How long have you two been seeing each other?

I am a laundry disaster waiting to happen.

I am an empty shell on the beach without you.

I am an old pear...

I am not a complete psychopath and we've really hit it off.

I am so touched that you thought of me when you raided the mini bar.

I am waiting for you.

I believe they call it closure.

I bet they had a party and guests and a wishing tree.

I bet you proposed on the top of a Tuscan hill.

I burnt her clothes. Twice.

I can't hear her.

I can't wait to see what your favourite food is.

I couldn't help overhearing.

I definitely want kids. I'm just not freaking out about it yet.

I didn't, you know. I didn't. I blew it,

I don't blame them, there's so many delays. (LAUGHS)

I don't have her number. I have your number.

I don't remember what I got in my A levels.

I don't remember you ever being in my bedroom.

I don't think this could be any more romantic.

I don't wanna be an online marketing manager forever

I feel... I just feel like... I feel hustled.

I gave you that Valentine's card in Year 9.

I get this place between five and 10pm on a Saturday.

I got a lot of big home improvement plans.

I got an A in art at A level.

I got big home improvement plans. I'm gonna do up our... my flat.

I got two Bs and a C, so.

I had rather hoped that our youngest daughter, Nancy,

I have to find her and I think she's at her parents'.

I haven't had a chance to use any of my best lines yet.

I haven't really read it, to be honest.

I just thought people have done worse things in the world

I just want to fulfil a lifelong ambition.

I know how it feels. I had it done to me, you know.

I know the exact Google map coordinates.

I know! It sounds a bit mad. But don't think of it as mad.

I know.

I liked that speech. I liked it a lot.

I love online marketing managing.

I loves me strawberries.

I mean, do you remember that one girl who just cried?

I mean, I didn't think it was wee.

I mean, I don't wipe with my hand.

I mean, look, maybe I was wrong.

I mean, shit, I'm way over my baggage allowance.

I mean, why would you? You're 24.

I meant about the car.

I met a man today.

I need a piss.

I need just a moment longer with my mojito and then I can jump in.

I put myself out there, and I took a chance,

I really was, but then...

I saw you were about to leave so I took my break early.

I should have just said...

I sort of stole him from underneath the clock at Waterloo

I think I left my knickers in there.

I think my actions today could be considered quite chancy.

I think people have done worse things in the world.

I think that's the dictionary definition right there.

I think the trick is, get through the first 30, 40 years,

I think we all know that you know that it's not on a Sunday.

I think you might be the blue bits, Nancy.

I think you need to shh. You need to shh your mouth.

I think... I think we're done.

I thought it was a good idea to just pretend that I was his date.

I thought we had a connection but you still have something for Sean.

I use toilet paper just like everyone else does.

I was crying with happiness.

I was hoping for the pants and socks look.

I was merely trying to meet my mate in the modern world.

I was really traditional about

I was standing underneath the clock at Waterloo Station

I wasn't in your bedroom, silly. I was outside. In a tree.

I work out every day. I like to keep fit. I pump iron, sure.

I would lend you my copy but I need it for my date.

I would never have got to know that muddy, beautiful triathlete face

I wouldn't listen to me, though,

I'd go quality and quantity, Bert. It's a massive night.

I'll just go in there and think about what we can get up to next.

I'll just stay here and I'll think about what we can get up to next.

I'm 40. They're not gonna be swimming in the right direction forever.

I'm a bit sad. (SIGHS)

I'm a journalist. Yeah.

I'm an account manager at a leading PR firm.

I'm four years single. Four fucking years.

I'm glad you did, otherwise I'd have nothing to talk about on the next one.

I'm gonna leave you to whatever fucking weird shit...

I'm gonna slow dance you into submission, OK?

I'm gonna... I'm coming in.

I'm just gonna let my vagina hermetically seal up.

I'm just... just gonna say a few words. Er...

I'm kidding you. I'm not that old.

I'm nearly at my sexual peak. It's all downhill for you.

I'm not at the party but I'm at a party.

I'm not really used to losing at bowling.

I'm not saying that her porn star theory is correct.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I wanna be honest with you, because honesty is very important...

I've got a rough draft.

I've gotta move on, you know, that's all.

I've had a bad relationship run over the past few years

I've never heard of Black Pant Wash.

Idiot.

Idiot.

Idiot.

Idiot.

If I hadn't left her that book... It's like the most epic love story ever.

If I help you, Clarice, it will be turns with us, too.

If that book has taught me anything, it's taught me that.

If they're always telling you, you should listen.

If you get a woman back to your place and you say you don't wanna have sex,

If you know where that is. He knows.

If you need a friend, get a dog.

If you need a friend, get a dog. I love that movie.

If you'd been set up with someone perfect for you

In fact, if you hadn't have pretended to be my date today,

In hindsight, agreeing to Sean's demands was not the best decision

In hindsight, that wasn't the best impression to do on a first date

In your 40 year old face!

Is it a fact? Like the fact that you're a triathlete.

Is it boy meets girl or boy doesn't meet girl?

Is it? Oh, shit. I should check in at home, really.

Is she still with that guy? Such a fake smile.

Is that your one? Mine's at the front. OK...

Isn't that just the classic response

It doesn't surprise me that Pete slept around.

It gets a lot more complicated when you have to figure out who gets the flat.

It is a good anecdote. I'll probably use it in future myself.

It is. It is, actually.

It means she is a high flying 24 year old businesswoman...

It really wasn't that good.

It was a stupid idea and I think we should...

It was a Yates's Wine Lodge.

It would appear that I finally have you over a barrel, Nancy Patterson.

It's a bit cheesy but you can have slammers and...

It's a fact. I'm just saying. I'm not lying.

It's a tactical puke.

It's always better to be the one that's dumped.

It's been a while.

It's fine, they're fine.

It's great stuff.

It's hummus.

It's in the past. What does it say in Six Billion People and You?

It's just so excruciating and predictable, just as it always is.

It's my folks' 40th wedding anniversary tonight.

It's Nancy Patterson.

It's not stealing in the conventional sense of the word.

It's not the first time I've heard that one.

It's rough. I'll admit it's rough.

It's Ryan, right? Isn't it? It's Ryan...

It's too late. I've...

It's too much, I think.

Jack, Jack, Jack. Just slide it on down to chills ville.

Jack, please don't stop. Don't stop, Jack. Do what you do, Jack.

JACK: I know. It's...

JACK: It's like a cantina.

JACK: Just go to your party, Nancy, I'm fine.

JACK: What speech?

JACK: What?

Jack. I've got a confession to make and I'm just gonna...

Jessica was doing so well.

Jesus, when has she ever done anything like this before?

Jungian therapy. Two hours every day. Six weeks.

Just because it might be nice to not go alone for a change and if you...

Just call her.

Just go further up. It's on the left.

Just go with it, Edward.

Just keep on going, my darling.

Just put your dress on. Just pop down, show your face.

Just something I say before I drink. Dead sister.

Just... looking for Jack.

Knock knock, who's there? Viagra!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...

Laugh it up, girls. I am your future. Just so you know.

Learn French. Cook more.

Left to soften in the fruit bowl.

Let's go mental.

Let's have a drink together. We're adults, aren't we?

Let's just pretend the whole thing never happened and we shall start again.

Let's not forget this. Keep you nice and warm.

Let's ramp this up a bit.

Like a stupid 40 year old, mid life crisis dickhead that I am.

Like, your name's not Ryan Wright.

Listen, I'll handle this, madam.

Listen, Nancy is... she's got very cool hair and a lovely face and...

Long, happy life with someone.

Look at me with my own flat and my online marketing management job.

Look, do you want me to write a few words? You know, just in case.

Look, Elaine, I've been ambushed. Some setup with a guy

Look, I realise this is not my finest hour.

Look.

Look...

Lord of the Pies. Emperor Boom Boom.

Lovely to see you after all these years.

Lovely. Yes. Great.

MAN: Terns?

MAN: Yeah, let's do it. We'll go out this way...

Merchant banker is cockney rhyming slang for wanker.

Mind blowing. And you, Ed?

Missed a call from Nancy. She's not even gonna make it for the speeches.

MOTHER: Bert!

Mum's obsessed. And you've done your speech?

Nancy is 34, not 15 or whatever.

Nancy, I am so bloody glad you pretended to be my date today,

Nancy, I thought you might want your speech.

Nancy, it's me. Nancy! Nanc...

Nancy, this is Hilary, my soon to be ex wife,

Nancy, you said I was an emotional jigsaw

NANCY: Hi.

NANCY: Hm...

NANCY: I'll send you a photo, Sean.

Nancy. 34.

Nancy. Is this a 40th party?

NANCY'S DATE: Ah...

Never.

Nice one, Nancy.

Nice place you got. It's really cosy.

No trains are currently stopping at Clapham Junction.

No, alright. Put him on, please.

No, don't be sad. God, I'm not sad.

No, don't do it, Andy. Take her with you!

No, Elaine, I've got pictures of my cats in my wallet

No, I don't dabble. Who am I trying to kid?

No, I thought you were her because you said you were.

No, I wasn't. I'm the least jealous person you'll meet.

No, it did go really well.

No, it's still there. It's...

No, it's still there. It's...

No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no...

No, no, no...

No, please. Come on, I'm too old for this shit.

No, we said no tongues. We said no... Hey!

No, we won't.

No.

No.

No. I am a...

No. I'm actually a sad single loser in my late 30s.

No. No. Andy.

Nonsense. It's a seminal night so we should mark it somehow.

Not a hope in hell.

Not about this case, though; about yourself. Quid pro quo.

Not really, darling, no.

Not that I don't intend to go the whole distance myself, obviously.

Not that I'm crossing it off on my wall calendar of pain and deceit.

Not... Not exactly.

Now is as good a time as any just to confess.

Occupied!

Of the lonely 34 year old woman desperate for somewhere to put her eggs.

Oh, Bert, you've slobbed.

Oh, f... Oh, my God, we've left my bag at the cantina.

Oh, fuck! Shit.

Oh, God, really? Get your notepad.

Oh, God. That is horrible.

Oh, he's leaving. He didn't like that.

Oh, here she is.

Oh, how I miss that pissy little diary of yours.

Oh, is that the one with Leonardo DiCaprio?

Oh, it's a setup? They always work.

Oh, my God, who would you worry about then?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. It's a good one.

Oh, my God. You knew they'd be here. That's why you brought me here earlier.

Oh, no, that's my sister.

Oh, shit, shit, shit!

Oh, so you...

Oh, that sounds lovely. Hello, nice to see you.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, we're all going, are we? OK.

Oh, wow. Arriba!

Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, they're very, er, funky.

Oh.

Oh. She's very pretty. I bet she gets all ze boyz.

Oi! Come on.

OK, good. Just be quiet and let me give it to you, then.

OK, OK, OK. Erm...

OK, OK. I'll do one kiss. OK?

OK, so shall we have a couple more and then hit the lanes?

OK, so shall we have a couple more and then hit the lanes?

OK. (INHALES)

OK. No, it's not, though, is it?

OK. Shall we...? After you, my lady.

OK. That's enough. Do you have a napkin or something, please?

OK. You know when a woman first starts sleeping with a man,

OK...

OK...

On the spectrum? I think recently, I've had a few one night stands.

Or witnessed that awesome, highly competitive arse

Or witnessed your very instinctive firewoman skills.

Or... watched you trying to get jalapeño out of your teeth

Otherwise I won't find you again because you have no online presence.

Our careers advisor at Saint Andrew's. Do you not remember anything?

Paid for them all with my savings and now I have no savings.

Paint the hallways, bleach the sheets.

Pant...

Paradise Kitties.

Pint or a half?

Please, help me, younger woman, who's nearly half my age.

Please, she reads self help books and The Da Vinci Code.

Pretty useful, I can tell you.

Prior to that, I had six years with the supposed love of my life,

Probably 69 ing in the toilets, no doubt.

Question.

Quid pro quo?

Quid pro quo. I tell you things, you tell me things.

Ready?

Really, really nice.

Really? I'm 40, divorced and crying in a toilet.

Remember when you said we should and I was like, I'm not gonna do that.

Right, let's just...

Right. Right, right, right, right.

Right. So, Jessica.

RYAN: Hm...

Ryan. 37.

Sat up there on your single perch with all your judgements.

Sean, I'm out bowling with a man who... might actually have some potential

SEAN: Whoo!

SEAN: Wow!

SEAN: Yes!

See what happens.

Seriously, you do deserve it. I don't know how you've done it.

Shall I read yours first? Put yourself out there.

She acts like a porn star.

She does not need to know the real reason for your tears.

She said she spoke to Tom and there's obviously been

She will call you later with all the gory details.

She works in the City. What does that even mean?

She's dead.

She's getting on with her life and I'm...

She's gotta live with that for the rest of her life.

She's Nancy. She's Nancy Patterson. (LAUGHS)

She's out there, she's happy.

She's out there, somewhere, doing you proud, meeting a man.

She's young so she's not a total cynic like you. Us. Yet.

Shit!

Shit.

Since they first laid eyes on each other 40 years ago.

Six months in, the ladies, we drop it down to an 18,

So blah, blah, blah, the end.

So good to see you.

So is wee in a way, if you think about it.

So sorry I'm late. But I remembered the chocolate mousse.

So thank you for calling and goodbye. There, done.

So what do you say?

So what rating are you two rabbits on now?

So where are you on the... spectrum?

So you're not the girl that I was supposed to meet earlier?

So,

So,

So, erm...

So, I think I'd better finally head to my folks' anniversary party

So, please...

So, Tom says you're a triathlete.

So, well, look after yourself...

So, what do you really do for a living?

So...

Some sort of misunderstanding and she still wants to meet up.

Somebody threw themselves on the track again.

Sorry to interrupt. Did you get a chance to sign those papers?

Sorry, I thought it was a Sunday.

Sorry, I'm ever so thirsty. I did a lot of walking today.

Sorry, my hand's a bit wet. It's not wee.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. You didn't lock. Didn't lock.

Still as foul mouthed as the day I met her.

Stronger thighs. I'm so proud of you.

Take chances.

Take it off. Off, off, off.

Take the fucking recycling out.

TANNOY: A reminder to all passengers that due to engineering work

TANNOY: Ladies and gentlemen,

Taught myself to drive with just my left hand.

Technically, you stood her up, actually.

Terns nest there. It's beautiful.

Thank you very much, it was lovely not getting to know you

Thank you, Jack. I love your work, Jack.

Thank you, Sean. Can you put your clothes back on and leave? Please.

Thank you! Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you. But do you know what, Jack? I really feel

Thank you. Excuse me.

That girl gave me her book so that's why you thought I was her.

That guy is not my boyfriend. He's actually not even my date.

That is a brilliant theory.

That is what I call closure.

That is why I brought Jessica here. Then I came to my senses and we left.

That wasn't one of them, if you were worried.

That you can park on a double yellow line on a Sunday...

That's funny, look at that.

That's what I was going for back there in the toilets.

The bitter look really suits you.

The girl I was supposed to meet tonight, wasn't the girl of my dreams?

The good host is prepared for all eventualities.

The man from last night? I thought that didn't work out.

The only spirit she can out drink me on. We'll see about that later.

The other people would.

The reason Sean called me Nancy was because I'm not called Jessica

The spectrum of relationships?

The strange man you were on a date with?

The truth is, I'm not really your blind date.

Then he found himself shacked up in Shepherd's Bush

Then I never would've heard any of your amazing sex theories

Then just kind of give up. From that point on it's a breeze.

Then, God, you flipped it. And all of a sudden...

There'll be a dress hanging up somewhere. Can you give it to her?

There's a girl being sick in the sink. This is terrible.

They often work if the matchmaker has done their homework.

They wouldn't say irreconcilable differences.

They're at home lying in wait for the next nappy change.

They're cute. Well, maybe tonight.

They're gonna be managing all the marketing in the future.

They're not judgements, they're theories.

They're... They're fresh. Very young. They're my favourite band.

This can't be our favourite place because it'll be gone in the morning.

This is a crazy idea but I was just thinking,

This is coming from someone who had to steal someone else's date

This is nice, isn't it? I don't envy any of my friends with kids.

This is when you tell me what to do and then we argue and then...

Though you could be. You could be Mr Ryan Wright.

To concentrate on the promises they were making.

To find a few choice words.

To my mum and dad. To Bert and Fran.

To win her heart.

Tom told me. Massive cock.

Usually in this situation I would say something and you'd say something back.

Wait, Jack, let me just tell you the truth because...

Wait! Nancy Patterson?

Wanted me to take a chance on her, but, erm...

Was because I left my copy for this woman on the train

Wash.

We are now arriving at our final destination, London Waterloo.

We have a lot of nibbles to put into a lot of bowls.

We used to have a bit of a thing going on.

We will.

We'll never know. I'll never meet her because you stole her.

We're gonna wind up together forever, right?

We're having a party. She's on a date. I'm thinking she's gonna bring him.

We're mature, stable adults.

Well, here we all are.

Well, I guess long term wise it's...

Well, I like to give everything a go, because otherwise what's the point?

Well, I've met Andy.

Well, that sounds encouraging.

What am I...? I don't know what I'm waiting for.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here? I thought we agreed.

What are you talking about? This is amazing.

What do we do in terms of saying hello? I never know where to pitch it.

What do you think? Good stuff for the first few hours?

What do you want to get up to next?

What do you want? Do you want my permission or something?

What does it say in Six Billion People and You?

What does Nancy want to drink?

What I really wanna do is paint.

What is the worst case scenario?

What kind of nutter pretends to be someone else's blind date?

What kind of person stands underneath a clock

What the fuck do you think she's doing?

What?

What? No, I'm not. What are you...?

What? That is unforgivable.

What's left for us to say to each other after 40 years?

What's the point of life if you're not up for stuff like that?

What's this? Why...

What's wrong with having a big day? Look at your parents.

Whatever years we have left together.

When people say that?

When you get married, you make a promise you can't keep,

When, out of the blue, he ended it and then he...

Where do you wanna land those luscious lips?

Which is more than you can say,

Which is why I sought help from old beaus.

Who are you to say that the girl I met tonight,

Who said blind dates don't work? Right? Am I right? Yeah.

Who's Andy?

Who's Nancy? Why is he calling you Nancy?

Who's up for a shot? Let's do some shots.

Whoo!

Why don't you run, swim and cycle to the bar and we'll see who gets there first?

Why have I got your notepad?

Why is he calling you Jessica? You're called Nancy.

Why would it be wee? That would imply very poor personal hygiene.

Winner.

With a drink on London's fashionable South Bank.

With some other girl six months later.

WOMAN ON TV: There is a very, very nice beach.

WOMAN: Oh...

Would have been here to do the speech.

Wow. It's going so well.

Yay.

Yeah, but you had an affair?

Yeah, d'you wanna speak to her? Alright.

Yeah, I know. I'm just not really

Yeah, I, you know... I dabble.

Yeah, I'm here. I'm with Jessica.

Yeah, I've just got to regularly carb up.

Yeah, OK. Bye. Bye.

Yeah, we're on the South Bank.

Yeah, yeah. Fuck off.

Yeah. A little bit. Just a little bit. I'm not used to all this dating chat.

Yeah. Erm, you know there's food down there?