Baywatch (2017) Comedy Edit

A guy dies. That's tragic.

A lot of people screenshot them nowadays.

A plea deal?

A team. And we support each other.

A warm welcome to our host, Victoria Leeds!

Abso fucking lutely.

Absolutely, 100% and here's why.

Absolutely. And we still

Account.

Actually, it's the jellyfish stuck to you.

After a night of partying in Rio

After all, he took your job.

After the interrogation?

Ah, eggy beyond, brah.

Ah, fuck.

Ah, guys, I still don't understand what part of the plan this is.

Ah, we're just doing our jobs.

Ah, you don't want to do that, big dog.

Ah! Thank you!

Ahh! Not on my beach, Arian!

Ahh... My shirt. No, I don't... Ugh.

Ahhh!

All his money is tied up in real estate in the bay.

All over this course in front of all these people?

All right, boys. Here we go.

All right, buddy, we're gonna have to, uh, flash freeze your johnson.

All right, check this out.

All right, cool. Thank you, guys.

All right, Ellerbee, what did we learn from the perps

All right, guys, Brody found the flakka.

All right, guys, we got a very big night, with one goal in mind.

All right, guys. Hey, listen up.

All right, I need you to take the throttle.

All right, I think I got something.

All right, listen up!

All right, meet us on the far side of the park!

All right, Miss Leeds. Circling around.

All right, now, look.

All right, Steph.

All right, Steph.

All right, thank you. Thank you.

All right, watch your step. There's urchins everywhere.

All right, we're out of here!

All right? I need you to work together to help

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Hey, how do I keep in touch?

All right. Thank you, Lieutenant.

All right. Welcome, everybody.

All right. Well, listen, tomorrow make my pecs a little bigger.

All right. You just looked at them again.

All the more reason to investigate.

Am I the only one that got a salad?

And as far as this dead body goes, look.

And Baywatch works because we follow rules.

And bringing them ashore?

And Brody's in the water to anchor.

And by the way,

And by the way, I think you're right about Leeds.

And by the way, I went ahead and added

And come to this side, you imbecile!

And computer science and really, really do something with my life.

And don't cover up my front bump.

And don't even come down here. We don't need you.

And even if this was your jurisdiction, which it isn't,

And even if you had probable cause to pursue,

And get off this big wheel and come join me for a run?

And how Leeds is bringing in drugs to the bay.

And I fucking busted my ass for those gold medals,

And I got a plan.

And I have to make you a trainee, butterfly,

And I loofah my chest with his ball sac.

And I see it, too. I do.

And I will not let you down again, I swear.

And I'll call you by your real name.

And I'll tell you where to send my checks?

And I'm here to create an opportunity for you.

And I'm in desperate need of medical attention.

And if anything happens to him,

And if I would've waited for them, all these girls would be dead.

And if you beat me over there,

And if you don't, your probation could get fucked up.

And if you need some extra motivation...

And it's fucking delicious.

And Mitch was right.

And my balls say we need to go over there and check it out.

And not a single fuck was given.

And not break that many vertebrae.

And now they're on the back of her yacht.

And now we got a dead body in our bay.

And our investigation has found that all of this shady shit

And probably not your scene,

And she's planning on making the entire bay private.

And that he needs to meet us at the marina at 0900.

And that's all you think that this is?

And the coroner's office just released his body.

And the Councilman... Councilman... What's his face?

And the rest are almost there.

And then what?

And then when we came upstairs, the boat was already on fire.

And then you'll never get your approvals.

And they're gonna give you big boy pants to wear,

And this shit is like bath salts on meth.

And totally irrelevant piece of information.

And used Dave to help hack into their accounts.

And we know you feel the same.

And we're all going.

And where were you?

And you doze off at your desk one day, no big deal.

And you fucked up... Again.

And you guys just do the jobs that I hired you to do.

And you look like a bad boy.

And, uh, he says he's already on the team.

And, um, I don't want anyone on the team sleeping outside, so...

And, yeah, occasionally stop them from drowning.

Appreciate it. See that?

Are two different things.

Are you all right? Are you hurt?

Are you all right? Can you hear me?

Are you Batman?

Are you Batman?

Are you dyslexic?

Are you following me?

Are you guys being serious right now?

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Are you okay? You're choking.

Are you sure?

Are you the fire water man?

At all. Yeah, 'cause I don't give a shit.

Attaboy, Ronnie! Great job!

Aw...

Bad news.

Badge on a uniform.

Baywatch is our team. Baywatch is our family.

Baywatch is the elite of the elite.

Because as much as I know about laptops,

Because I don't know, man, it looks clear to me.

Because I'm fucking strong. Let's go.

Because it was faster and clearly had insurance.

Because now Dave knows too much.

Because she has every single politician in this town

Because you were showboating. You want to be a lifeguard,

Because you're supposed to be the lookout for Mitch.

Before Animal Control shows up,

Before that boat was even on fire.

Being part of your team, your Olympic team, your family,

Besides, I got to get back to work at the Huntley.

Better, but could we get

Bieber here figure out why there's a dead body on our beach,

Big dick.

Blatantly disregarding your jurisdiction?

Breathe for me. Come on, big man.

Bring it in.

Brody is an American hero with the face of a Swedish model.

Brody was dubbed the "Vomit Comet."

Brody, let's go, I don't want to wait for you. Come on.

Brody, that save sounds incredible.

Brody, what is it that you think we do here at Baywatch?

Brody!

Brody?

Brody. Brody, hang back.

But additional compensation

But calling me a drug dealer...

But everyone on the beach is talking about you guys.

But for now, let's enjoy the caviar,

But he's got to pass qualifiers first.

But I figured out it's not about drugs for Leeds,

But I won't fuck with you anymore

But I would probably call the cops.

But I'll tell him 2100.

But I'm fast.

But I'm working on it.

But if that was the case, I would definitely call the cops.

But if you don't and you choose to stay,

But if you've come to sacrifice

But in the wake of the recent death of Councilman Rodriguez,

But instead, you tried to be like Mitch and save the bay.

But it is my cheat day.

But Leeds is having a party on her yacht tonight.

But not before he got a shot off that killed you.

But please shut the fuck up and focus.

But rapido because the boat is on fire.

But right now I'm busy dealing with another dead body.

But that doesn't mean that there's anything sinister going on.

But the good news for you

But there was one holdout.

But they're wise.

But this has got to be connected to the Huntley.

But we are Baywatch.

But we could try the baby thing, if you want.

But when it came to the relay,

But when it came to the relay, Brody blew it for the team.

But why'd we have to come to the beach?

But you have a standing invitation.

But you're gonna have to get through this first. C.J.?

But you're not gonna like it.

But you're really good.

But you've proven to me

But your, uh, clean nips are looking really good.

By the way, uh, when we shower in here, we, uh, keep our suits on.

C.J., how about you throw a few

C.J.!

C.J.!

Call the police.

Can you please just cover the dick?

Can't believe Leeds is doing that shit during the day.

Captain, uh, I need to talk to you about this...

Careful.

Cervical fractures of the fifth, sixth and seventh vertebrae.

Check this out.

Cheers.

Chen!

Chen's getting away.

Christmases and even "Bring Your Dad To School Day"

Cinnabon?

City council's already cut our funding again.

Clearly, I overestimated you.

Clearly, we have new dealers in the bay.

Coed, cool.

Come on, brother.

Come on, buddy.

Come on, buddy.

Come on, Ellerbee.

Come on, Gold Medal.

Come on, guys!

Come on, guys! Let's go!

Come on, guys. I need a bigger coat.

Come on, I just need you... You grab that dick

Come on, let's go!

Come on, man.

Come on, man.

Come on, Mitch.

Come on, move!

Come on, Ronnie.

Come on, Summer.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. He's a train wreck.

Come on. Quit screwing around!

Completely destroyed a motorcycle, which you stole.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

Conserve my energy?

Considering he's the "best swimmer in the world."

Cool off, pool boy.

Coroner's. We saw it in the coroner's report.

Could you put that dog down already?

Couldn't get out.

Councilman Rodriguez is connected to all of this somehow.

Cover up those chicken legs.

Damn it, brah!

Damn it, he always does that to me.

Damn it.

Damn it. You do that every time.

Dave told me that he was working with Leeds

Dead serious, right now, NSYNC, all right?

Did I kill him?

Did that really just happen?

Did you get any intel on Leeds?

Did you have a stroke? It felt like you had a stroke.

Did you just, uh, look at my boobs?

Did you just... Whoa. Please.

Dismissed.

Do I look like a tiny little asshole next to him?

Do I strike you as a patient woman, Councilman?

Do not go under that fire, Brody!

Do not post that. The Internet is forever.

Do not touch me right now.

Do these look like shark bites to you?

Do we have a deal, or...

Do what you were supposed to do with Chen.

Do you guys have eyes on Brody?

Do you have any proof of this conspiracy?

Do you hear yourself when you talk?

Do you know what happened to the Councilman?

Do you think we should kiss?

Does not look good at all.

Doesn't the Huntley get their fish from Flynn's?

Don't be a baby. Lift his scrotum.

Don't do anything too stupid.

Don't fucking touch me.

Don't get ahead of yourself.

Don't give me any of that jurisdiction shit.

Don't jack off on my sheets.

Don't worry, guys! I got it.

Don't worry, your friend's gonna be all right.

Don't you do this to me, Ted! Don't you do this!

Don't you have two of them, though?

Don't you touch my dick!

Don't.

Down here!

Down there.

Drug dirt, real estate dirt, yacht dirt.

Dude, I can't take you seriously when the dick is out.

Dude, there's been gloves here literally the entire time.

Dude.

Emerald Bay is reeling this afternoon

Even if they'd offered it to me.

Every man has a price.

Every team has a ringer, and you and only you are my ringer.

Every time he jogs by.

Everything that you guys are talking about

Exactly.

Exactly.

Exactly. All the evidence... Pfft!

Except for there's no fucking such thing as "lifeguard pursuit"!

Excuse me. That's a very nice scooter.

Fire.

First a councilman and now a shark attack.

First date. You can't blame me, right?

Flakka. Jesus.

Flynn's Seafood Company.

For a long, long time.

For fuck's sake. Why don't you die already?

For something much bigger than yourself,

For those of you who don't go on and become trainees,

For what?

For your own nefarious purposes,

Found our access point.

Frankie, stop.

Frankie! Oh, my God, I am so sorry.

From the shocking discovery of another dead body.

Fuck you, Dave. You're my worst friend.

Fuck!

Fuck!

Get a tan.

Get deeper. Lift the balls up higher.

Get into her cloud and then steal all her cookies, right?

Get set!

Get the chopper to meet us at the barge.

Get the fuck off my beach or I'll have you arrested.

Get the fuck out of here!

Get this through your head, Mitch.

Get to the front of the boat! We're coming!

Get your beauty rest.

Give it up for Lieutenant Mitch Buchannon.

Give me some.

Give me the phone.

Go between my arms and take the fucking throttle!

Go from foster home to winning a gold medal.

Go get them. Stay on the pathway. You get the white one.

Go, baby.

God damn it, let's go.

God damn it.

God, it's getting really fro y in here.

God, you're lying. That's a lot of people.

God... Fuck!

Gone. Doesn't exist.

Good afternoon, Councilman.

Good job, doc. I'm posting that.

Good job. Thank you, you can go now.

Good luck, Officer.

Good luck.

Good morning.

Good work, Mitch.

Good.

Good. Let's get you over. Attaboy.

Great!

Gringa, my position is the ocean.

Guys, guys, come on. Please.

Guys, someone's coming. Be quiet.

Guys, we can talk about this.

Guys, we did some digging.

Guys, we have flakka that just washed ashore.

Ha...

Hair. Lots of hair. Definitely not a groomer.

Have a nice swim.

Have fun, boys.

Have you ever seen the Olympics?

He ain't Superman, he's a damn county lifeguard.

He doesn't need to be, and neither do you. Okay?

He had no smoke in his lungs,

He had this watch. It was a nice TAG watch.

He saved my nana's life. I ever tell you about that?

He should be thrilled to have you.

He's gone, so all we care about now is protecting the bay.

He's got short legs, but he's got a fast walk, so,

He's not ready for this kind of trouble.

He's one of the best swimmers in the whole world.

He's reckless, he's insubordinate. Come on.

He's tough. Brutal, even.

Help me!

Help!

Help!

Help! In here!

Help! My kids!

Helping save Chen

Her airway's blocked.

Here? Oh, um, it's a coed shower.

Here's the key. Here's the key.

Hey, am I the only one that thinks this is clearly a job for the police?

Hey, C.J., why do our suits ride so far up our asses?

Hey, come on, man, why don't you leave my boys alone,

Hey, do you guys know of any good bars around here?

Hey, do you guys know where you can rent a bike?

Hey, does anyone have a weed whacker?

Hey, fresh face. You here for the qualifiers?

Hey, fuck you! Get off my beach!

Hey, gentlemen.

Hey, guys, one more important thing.

Hey, guys, this is Victoria Leeds,

Hey, guys.

Hey, hey, hey. Get back right now. Do not contaminate

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey. What's up, boys?

Hey, High School Musical.

Hey, how's your dick?

Hey, I'm Matt Brody.

Hey, I'm so glad I caught you all.

Hey, it's your day today, Summer.

Hey, killer.

Hey, let me take a look.

Hey, look out!

Hey, look. This new guy of yours?

Hey, man, I think, uh...

Hey, man, this is a wake free zone!

Hey, Mitch, take this one.

Hey, Mitch, what happened to that

Hey, stop looking at the picture, dude.

Hey, Summer.

Hey, Thorpe.

Hey, uh, how you feeling, sport?

Hey, what are you saying? You're just gonna let those guys walk?

Hey, what's up, buddy?

Hey, you look really nice, too, Baby Gap.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Look at me, look at me, look at me!

Hey! Oh!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. How are you?

Hey. No guests allowed upstairs.

Hi, honey.

Hi, Mitch. Just checking in on you again.

Hide? Where?

His property goes back to the city.

Hola? Is anyone there?

Hold up! Wait, what, what? What are we doing?

Holy Christ. You just tickled another man's taint.

Holy shit, Mitch, you got him!

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Honestly, I don't even know what I'm doing here.

Hot Wheels, I'll see you back here in the morning.

How about diamond smugglers who are putting the rocks in surfboards

How about we get into some trouble?

How about, uh, sand grifters running a con on the beach, right?

How do you feel about losing a medal for your teammates?

How do you think I got all this gold?

How excited we are to be working with you

How is Chen getting away?

How many buckets of lotion do you wear a day?

How many gold medals do you have?

How tacky.

How was your day today?

How was your first riptide?

How?

How's it looking out there?

Hustle, hustle, hustle!

I actually feel like a doctor.

I agree with...

I always knew I liked you two.

I am looking out for Mitch.

I am not interested in selling my properties.

I assume you need a place to crash.

I build you up, and then you ruin the mystique.

I can make sure that you stick around here

I can walk in there and find drugs.

I can't believe that no one was at Tower One.

I can't feel my face!

I can't find my hermit crab.

I can't have this unraveling.

I can't save you if you're being a dick!

I commandeered it, okay?

I could really use your help, brother.

I didn't steal that.

I didn't want to make it seem like it was too easy.

I didn't, uh, stare directly at them.

I do. There you go.

I don't even have to stretch to guard you. Let's go.

I don't even know what to say.

I don't know how you fit in that uniform, man.

I don't know shit about computers.

I don't know what to fucking do!

I don't know, honestly.

I don't know, man. That's just how they talk.

I don't know, man. There's a big something.

I don't know. Maybe Ronnie.

I don't know. That seems a little complicated.

I don't mean to interrupt,

I found more flakka this morning.

I found something.

I fucked it up.

I fucked up, man. I know that.

I guarantee you, she found a way to get that guy into her boat.

I have a point to prove, Councilman.

I have something very special planned for you, for everyone.

I hear you!

I heard you were a head turner. What an understatement that is.

I hit you on the C.B., so I know you're listening.

I hold the world record in the 200 meter.

I honestly can't tell.

I hope that doesn't make the boob lers...

I hope you haven't gone crazy and started eating carbs or something.

I just got a little hunch, okay?

I just need you to get down there and just pop it out.

I just thought you had to be on a really restrictive diet

I just want to make sure that you and I

I knew the relay was the next day, but those guys...

I know because you guys saved mine.

I know my place.

I know that.

I know this beach is public and, honestly, I wish the club was, too.

I know you're dealing flakka,

I know you're trying to keep up.

I know you've been using my special set of skills

I like the sound of that.

I like your chest as well.

I made it! Oh, my God.

I may resist for a while, but we both know eventually I'll give in.

I mean, I've always wondered what happened that night.

I mean, if you think about it, it's a good thing, right?

I mean, now that you know our job

I mean, now you're gonna have to beat me

I mean, she's like some sort of modern day J. Edgar Hoover.

I mean, that one might be.

I mean, we saved the bay.

I mean, we've lost him.

I mean, you jumped off the boat with him, right?

I meant evidence.

I need some closure.

I need you out there shining for me.

I need you to check his taint for needle marks.

I need you to check his taint for needle marks.

I never really heard a guy sing that song,

I of all people know how hard it is to run a business.

I overstepped, Victoria.

I overstepped.

I owe you an apology.

I probably wouldn't have gone to the Olympics.

I really admire a man who knows how to seize an opportunity.

I really do.

I really need your help.

I really respect that.

I really would.

I saw barrels like that down in the Huntley,

I saw your name on the board. That's how I...

I scratch my back with a whale's dick,

I sense trouble.

I should go interrogate those girls.

I should have listened.

I take it you're an only child.

I think he ran out earlier today.

I think I found something big here, okay?

I think I'm just, uh,

I think we both said a few things last night that we didn't mean.

I think we case it and I'll meet you back here in five.

I think we should kiss.

I think you need it.

I think you should be in the sequel.

I thought that was supposed to kill you.

I thought that we prevent people from getting sunburned

I thought we were lifeguards.

I used to work with him.

I want to be a part of this team.

I want to help, man. And I want to...

I want to. You saved my sister's life.

I want you off the beach. I'm putting Brody in charge.

I want you to have something.

I want you to light up the sky.

I want you to watch something.

I wanted to meet the new neighbor everyone is talking about.

I warned you about sticking to your job.

I was actually just going to ask you the same thing.

I was born of the sea!

I was thinking dinner first.

I watched you win two gold medals.

I won't.

I would like a salad.

I wouldn't have taken the job,

I... Was not my intention.

I'd love it if you wore tighter pants.

I'll die when the tide stops and the moon drowns!

I'll give you one better.

I'll just put that down. Okay.

I'll take care of... If the fire spreads...

I'll tell you this, if you crack this case,

I'll turn this over to the police.

I'm a pig.

I'm always here.

I'm an Olympic champion and I'm fucking broke.

I'm behind you, dude.

I'm Caucasian.

I'm doing all right.

I'm feeling really good about this year.

I'm going to go get rid of the bad man that's in your house.

I'm going to go.

I'm going to help you.

I'm gonna get it. "In the coroner's report."

I'm gonna need more time.

I'm gonna need that phone.

I'm here to remind you who you are.

I'm here to save you. My name is Matt Brody.

I'm just a lifeguard. And that's it.

I'm just a straight up leafy green type of guy.

I'm just saying it's not rocket science.

I'm just saying, all things considered,

I'm just... What are we still doing here?

I'm laying on a dead old lady.

I'm Matt Brody. Ready for duty.

I'm no longer interested in your opinion, Buchannon.

I'm not a Bond villain.

I'm not ready for this, man.

I'm oceanic, motherfucker.

I'm okay.

I'm on the path, man. They're right there!

I'm onto you all.

I'm proud of you, Ronnie.

I'm really proud of you, man.

I'm so good. You did good, good, good work.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sure they will, too.

I'm sure they'll come around.

I'm sure your approach to women is Snapchatting a dick pic or two.

I'm taking lunch orders. Do you want anything?

I'm taking us to the morgue. Go left.

I'm the only one with a body in my drawer?

I'm very impressed.

I've never seen any interface like this.

If anyone should get the job it should be Stephanie.

If I could please have your attention.

If I had a sister, I'd introduce you to her, man.

If I was a man, you'd call me "driven."

If it wasn't for that pool,

If it's gonna be a problem for you...

If we do the bare minimum, sometimes people die.

If you can help me keep your new pals in line,

If you really think that there's drugs here,

If you want me, you can have me.

If you'd keep eyes open, I'd appreciate that.

In a grueling obstacle course we like to call

In a way that you people can understand.

In here!

In which case,

Instead of against you, now that, um...

Internet, everything like that?

Is anyone going to die?

Is anyone there?

Is he going to be okay?

Is if everyone, everyone, does their job.

Is it just me, or is she in...

Is that this year, we've got three open spots.

Is that you get to write the story of what happened.

Is the reason why the single mom behind me

Is yourself and your medals.

Isn't that right, Mr. Gold Medal?

It does.

It doesn't work like that.

It doesn't work when you say it back to me like that.

It makes us faster in the water.

It stings!

It was in the coroner's report.

It was my fault? Why was it my fault?

It was not an offer, it was a trap.

It was pretty cool. One of them had a pool.

It was worth a try.

It'd take me, like, five minutes.

It's a big red button.

It's a compliment if you think about it, sort of.

It's a kind of a "meet the neighbors" thing.

It's a pleasure to say you are officially no longer trainees.

It's about real estate.

It's all in there before those other guys switched it.

It's bath time, shithead.

It's been done this entire time?

It's better, you know...

It's cool. She won't mind at all.

It's disgusting.

It's exactly what I thought it was.

It's gonna be okay. I've been through it, too.

It's him.

It's Internet savvy in function

It's just a bunch of guys investigating another bunch of guys.

It's just a handful of ball sac.

It's like you purposely only hear 1% of what I say.

It's murder.

It's nice to have somebody who respects you, you know?

It's not exactly in the lifeguard manual, but...

It's not how we operate.

It's not like a physical thing you do.

It's not your job.

It's our only shot to prove that they're dealing here,

It's Ronnie, right?

It's so much bigger than that, you know?

It's the busiest time of the year.

It's the keys to Lifeguard Tower One.

It's very impressive, princess.

It's working, he's turning!

It's your cheat day.

It's, uh... And hairy.

It's, you know, the wind and the, uh...

Jesus.

Jonas Brother, listen to me.

Just call me on the shell phone. That's all you gotta do.

Just get me to the morgue. That's all I said.

Just hook me up with a salad.

Just like gentlemen?

Just meet me back at headquarters.

Just sit back and shut up.

Just so you can fit in with the other kids.

Just some property owners won't give approval.

Just to see fire and just swim right into it.

Just trying to figure out what the fuck was

Keep an eye out for her, okay?

Keep it going! Keep it going!

Keep your hands up. One, two, duck! Again.

Kid's really got no quit in him.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Last pretty boy recruit we had?

Leads right back to the Huntley.

Leave law enforcement to the police. Okay?

Led to a streak of bad luck in the pool,

Leeds blackmailed the ones who didn't

Leeds got rid of him and we're probably next.

Leeds is gonna escape in a helicopter on that fireworks barge.

Leeds!

Left, left. Left turn.

Leon doesn't talk. He's a man of action.

Leon, would you show Mr. Rodriguez

Let me ask you this... A lot of oceans in Iowa?

Let me save you some time. Okay?

Let me try to explain this to you

Let the little boy go.

Let's do some shots!

Let's get him in!

Let's get you a real drink. Greg, the good stuff.

Let's get you to your mom.