Bridget Jones's Diary (2001) Edit

A bit snowy, isn't it?

A mini break means true love.

A mini gherkin, stuffed olive?

A strange creature from the time...

A very, very foolish mistake. Forgive me.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! No!

Aah! Oh, bugger!

Aah! Oh, Christ, not again.

About a particular person who embodies all these things.

Absolutely not.

Actually, I'm busy.

Actually, nobody got interviews.

Add a lovely sense of occasion.

Ah, Natasha.

Ah, yes, Mark.

Ah, yes, well, he had to work, so...

Ah.

Ah.

Ah. A part from the smoking and the drinking...

Ahh!

Ain't no mountain high enough

Ain't no mountain high enough

Alcohol units...

Alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics...

ALEX: I was hoping that you would want to be a part of it.

Alex.

All over your face?

All right, Cleaver, outside.

All right.

All right.

All right. Hang on.

All right. Well, that’s a shame. I just, uh...

ALL SINGING: Happy birthday to you

ALL: Aah!

ALL: Hi, it's us!

ALL: To Bridget...

ALL: To Mark and his Natasha.

Always put last night’s panties in the laundry basket.

Am also something of a genius in the kitchen as well.

Am appalled by message.

Am daughter of broken home...

Amazing.

An appallingly bad public speaker.

And a dull bastard.

And action.

And always saying...

And asks me the question dreaded by all Singletons.

And be found three weeks later, half eaten by Alsatians.

And Chaka Khan.

And dresses like her mother.

And eating the entire contents of one's fridge...

And especially will not fantasize...

And eventual eating by dogs... or not.

And fannies about with the press releases.

And fanny around with press releases.

And for various slightly unfair reasons...

And get sprugged up, you know, old girl?

And going to my mother's annual turkey curry buffet.

And he said he liked her just the way she is.

And he's perfect.

And helpful in the kitchen...

And here to introduce it is Mr. Tits Pervert.

And here to introduce it, ha...

And I feared this year would be no exception.

And I haven't actually got anything of my own.

And I just think that in the end...

And I just wanted to say... likewise.

And I seriously believe that you should...

And I think...

And I'd finally die fat and alone...

And it all began, of course...

And Jeremy's partners from chambers.

And left him broken hearted.

And Lord Archer...

And make them into what we call a book, Jones.

And normal...

And not continue to form romantic attachments...

And not orange parfait in sugar cages.

And now it's Thursday.

And of the novella, you know?

And off it comes in your hand.

And really very reasonably priced and...

And rubbish at every thing and...

And start a diary...

And stuff, but has he ever actually...

And tell me more about practicing French kissing...

And the female...

And the vulgar mother and the verbal diarrhea.

And then we print out all the pages...

And then what?

And then, uh... nothing.

And therefore thinks she's in charge of me.

And they fought for five years to keep him here.

And this is a very silly little dress.

And this time, I choose not.

And try and fatten it up a bit.

And used to play naked in my paddling pool.

And we couldn't be prouder of him...

And we, in turn...

And whip you up in his arms, then sod him.

And you know last night when I said that I loved you?

And you really are...

And you tend to let whatever's in your head...

And your sexy see through blouse...

And, Jude, what would you do if one of your assistants...

And, of course, the problem...

And, um...

And, um...

And, well, the jewellery is fabulous...

And...

And...

ANDY WILLIAMS SINGING: ♪ I need you, baby ♪

ANDY WILLIAMS SINGING: ♪ Let me love you ♪

ANDY WILLIAMS SINGING: ♪ You're just too good to be true ♪

Another part of it falls spectacularly to pieces.

Anyone going to introduce me?

Anyone going to introduce me?

Anyway, at least.

Anyway, fuck him. Listen, don't let him ruin our evening.

Appalled by management's blatantly size is attitude...

Apparently, I used to run 'round naked...

Apparently, she and this tangerine tinted buffoon...

Are suddenly an item.

Are you that chap that sang that song?

ARETHA FRANKLIN SINGING: ♪ Just a little bit ♪

ARETHA FRANKLIN SINGING: ♪ What you want ♪

ARTFUL DODGER SINGING: ♪ I feel surrounded, confounded ♪

ARTFUL DODGER SINGING: ♪ Why don't you leave it there? ♪

As a demonstrator on his cable show.

As prostitutes and priests on a Sunday afternoon.

As well as ruby weddings.

At "Sit Up, Britain"...

At the "Kafka's Motorbike" thing...

Awful. [Laughs]

Ay, ay.

Back to the studio.

Bastards.

Because I was defending him...

Because I'm passionately committed...

Because I'm thrilled to announce...

Because that's a very good story.

Because they're thinking of shutting us down...

Because you don't have the faintest bloody idea...

Because, honestly, I don't see what could be so important.

Because...

Before I introduce him.

Best man at his wedding.

Between you and me, I'm not entirely sure...

Big case...

Birthday... thirty three.

Bizarre what some men find attractive.

Bollocks.

Both political and ecological.

Bridge, this is Hugo and Jane.

Bridge...

Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess...

Bridget Jones, where are you?

Bridget Jones.

BRIDGET, DRUNK, SINGING: Ohhh

Bridget, we've fucked up utterly.

BRIDGET: 14p for the Polos and packet of Wheat Crunchies.

BRIDGET: Aah!

BRIDGET: Aah! No!

BRIDGET: Actually, not my uncle.

BRIDGET: Ah, here we go.

BRIDGET: Ah, introduce people with thoughtful details.

BRIDGET: Ah, Perpetua.

BRIDGET: Ah, yes, well...

BRIDGET: Ah.

BRIDGET: Am suddenly hard headed journalist...

BRIDGET: And a few weeks later, it got lots worse.

BRIDGET: And so I made a major decision.

BRIDGET: And that was it. Right there.

BRIDGET: And that was it. Right there.

BRIDGET: And, Eleanor, over to you.

BRIDGET: At least now I'm in my thirties...

BRIDGET: At times like this...

BRIDGET: Bollocks!

BRIDGET: Can we just, um...

BRIDGET: Daily call from Jude. Best friend.

BRIDGET: December 25.

BRIDGET: Emergency summit with urban family...

BRIDGET: Excellent. I'm a national laughing stock.

BRIDGET: Great. I was wearing a carpet.

BRIDGET: He’s also protecting me at Uncle Geoffrey's...

BRIDGET: Hmm. Looks like Auntie Shirley...

BRIDGET: Hmm. Major dilemma.

BRIDGET: Hoo. Ding dong.

BRIDGET: Huh.

BRIDGET: Hurrah. Am no longer tragic spinster...

BRIDGET: I intend to.

BRIDGET: I just have something that I want to say.

BRIDGET: I've got another party to go to.

BRIDGET: It all began on New Year's Day...

BRIDGET: It's the truth universally acknowledged...

BRIDGET: Ladies and gentlemen...

BRIDGET: Maybe not.

BRIDGET: Maybe not.

BRIDGET: Maybe this was the mysterious Mr. Right...

BRIDGET: Message Mr. Cleaver.

BRIDGET: Mm mmm.

BRIDGET: Mr. Fitzherbert... Tits Pervert, more like.

BRIDGET: Mustn’t read too much into it, no.

BRIDGET: My mum...

BRIDGET: No! No!

BRIDGET: No.

BRIDGET: November9. Weight... 138pounds.

BRIDGET: Oh, joy. I am broadcasting genius.

BRIDGET: Oh, well, here we go.

BRIDGET: Oh.

BRIDGET: Ohh. Daniel.

BRIDGET: OK.

BRIDGET: Ooh! Wish me luck!

BRIDGET: Or maybe I'm wrong.

BRIDGET: Perpetua... slightly senior...

BRIDGET: Season of mist...

BRIDGET: Shazzer... journalist...

BRIDGET: Shut up, please. I'm very busy and important.

BRIDGET: Stay calm. Can't get any worse.

BRIDGET: Stop it.

BRIDGET: That'll be my taxi.

BRIDGET: That's how I got my man.

BRIDGET: Total poof, of course.

BRIDGET: Uh, and now...

BRIDGET: Uh, and now...

BRIDGET: Um... it's a blip.

BRIDGET: Very bad start to the year.

BRIDGET: We've had very good response...

BRIDGET: Well, still, could be a golden opportunity.

BRIDGET: What are we going to do about this dinner, then?

BRIDGET: What for?

BRIDGET: What've you done?

BRIDGET: Whoo!

BRIDGET: Yes, but I'm not quite sure...

BRIDGET: Yes, well, you know, Mum...

Bridget.

Bridget.

Bridget.

BRIDGET'S INNER VOICE: [Whispering] Tits Pervert.

Bugger off!

But at least I got a hell of a lot of work done.

But I see I may have come at a bad time.

But I think you'll find that by contract...

But if staying here...

But proper girlfriend of bona fide sex god...

But thank you for the lovely dinner.

But there's no need to leave.

But they couldn't be more wrong.

But they just can't seem to hold down a chap.

But this is someone you hate, right?

But you're a nice man...

But you’re just as bad as the rest of them.

But your whole future happiness now depends on how you behave...

By 11:00.

By a bad man and an American stick insect.

By the by, that man is gorgeous.

By the way, the Darcys are here. They brought Mark with them.

By the way, the Darcys are here. They brought Mark with them.

By this woman, Eleanor Heaney...

Bye, Mum.

Bye.

Bye.

Can only say that it has failed parlously.

Can you remember the rest of this?

Can't give anymore

Can’t live

Celebrating by cooking birthday feast for close friends.

Certainly, sir.

CHAKA KAHN SINGING: ♪ I can cast a spell ♪

CHAKA KAHN SINGING: ♪ Of secrets you can't tell ♪

Cheat!

Chech nya!

Christ, is that blue soup?

Cigarettes... three.

Circulate.

Cleave.

Coitus is brief and perfunctory...

Come and look at your gravy, Pam.

Come on, get your stuff.

Come on, it's...

Come on, kids.

Come on, Mark. Be helpful, please.

Come on, you're working too hard, mate.

Come on.

Come on. Why don’t we see if Mark fancies a gherkin?

Come out of your mouth...

Come the fuck on, Bridget.

Comes into the store to have his colours done.

Continuing with one's life seems impossible...

Cosmo and Woney.

Cosmo and Woney.

COSMO: Never dip your nib in the office ink.

COSMO: Seriously, though.

COSMO: Still going out with that publishing chappie?

COSMO: You really ought to hurry up...

Cruel race.

Dad, get in.

Dad, get out. Too slow!

DAD: I don't know.

DAD: What?

DAD: Your mother’s trying to fix you up with some divorcee.

DAN: This is totally insane.

DANIEL: All right, all right, all right.

DANIEL: And over we go.

DANIEL: Apparently F.R. Leavis is coming.

DANIEL: At least stay for a birthday drink...

DANIEL: Bridget, I'm really sorry.

DANIEL: Bridget.

DANIEL: Hey, Darce, come on in!

DANIEL: I feel... terrible.

DANIEL: I know you're thinking...

DANIEL: I thought you might be on your own.

DANIEL: I'll see you upstairs in a second.

DANIEL: Just promise me we don't have to sit...

DANIEL: Message Jones.

DANIEL: No. The meeting's first thing tomorrow.

DANIEL: Now these are very silly little boots, Jones.

DANIEL: Oh! You broke my bloody jaw!

DANIEL: Outside?

DANIEL: Right.

DANIEL: So, um, how about a drink at my place?

DANIEL: Uhh.

DANIEL: Wow.

DANIEL: You've written "a searing vision..."

Daniel.

Daniel.

Daniel. The New York office for you.

Darcy.

Darling, if I came in with my knickers on my head...

Deeply apologetic.

Defending the basic human rights...

Definitely an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers.

Delicious.

Did I really run round your lawn naked?

Did the others get interviews?

Did you fancy Kafir the first time that you saw him?

Didn't get the message, either.

Didn't know you were coming.

Didn’t tell you, either.

Disaster.

Do you have any children of your own?

Do you love me?

Does nothing work outside of London?

Does she have to go to the funeral?

Doilies, Pam? Hello, Bridget.

Don’t worry. You're not the only one.

Done what?

Down here in Lewisham.

Dum dum dee dum, dum dum dee dum dum

Dumped me.

Easy listening for the over thirties.

Eat up. Two more lovely courses to go.

Ecch.

Editor in Chief, Daniel Cleaver.

Eleanor Heaney and Kafir Aghani have come and gone.

End up in flagrante...

Enough.

Enough.

Equally important...

Every hour on the hour.

Every time I see you, and you really needn't bother.

Everyone knows diaries are just full of crap.

Exactly.

Excellent fire station.

Excellent speech.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

F for England...

F for the people of England...

Fair enough. Start on Monday.

FATHER: He also, incidentally...

FATHER: Ladies and gentlemen...

FATHER: So I ask you now...

Featuring someone called Aghanihini.

Finds the pair of them in a most unorthodox position...

Fine physical specimens...

Fine. That’s fine.

Finely slice oranges and grate zest.

First, look gorgeous.

Fitzherbert, uh...

FITZHERBERT: Thank you, Brenda.

For a moment?

For bar mitzvahs and christenings...

For being totally spineless.

For coherent discussion of career crisis.

For fuck's sake.

For the whole of the Nineties.

Forget everything... particularly, forget about Mark Darcy.

Four hours of careful cooking and a feast of blue soup...

Frankly, I'd rather have a job wiping Saddam Hussein's ass.

French. Have it oeuf. Ha ha! With the wisecrack egg peeler.

Friends of yours?

From Newcastle, Swansea, Sheffield, and Lewisham...

From the Home Shopping Channel.

Fuck 'em. Fuck the lot of them.

Fuck me, absolutely enormous panties.

Fuck me, that hurt!

Fuck me.

Fuck.

GABRIELLE SINGING: ♪ Knew the sight ♪

GEOFFREY: Bop, bop.

GERI HALLIWELL SINGING: ♪ It's raining men ♪

Get dressed.

Get yourself down to the high court.

Give me just a minute.

Given your past behaviour.

Go, go. Go, go. Go!

God, so...

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Good bye, Bridget.

Good luck, crazy girl!

Good night, Daniel.

Good night.

Good point. It's a very hard one to call.

Good start.

Good, good. That's very useful, very useful.

Good.

Great.

Great. Come on up.

Great. It's, um... blue.

Greatly increase by wearing these.

Greer.

Guest list for launch party.

Ha ha!

Ha. Tricky. Very tricky.

Had enough, Darcy?

Had gone out of the window.

Haha. Don't be shy, madame.

Half our friends have had them around to bloody dinner.

Hang on a minute, Jones.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear what's his name

Happy birthday.

Happy New Year, Mr. Fitzherbert.

Has been slightly overlooked professionally.

Has she actually moved out then?

Have a drink.

Have been blessed with our son, Mark.

Have been seduced by informality...

Have bottom the size of Brazil.

Have sneaking suspicion...

Have we got the most fantastic surprise for you.

Have you got a boyfriend? A real one?

Have you heard this one?

Have you spoken to my dad?

Have your lovely grownup club of two...

He didn’t deserve it, actually.

He had a filthy temper.

He has just been invited to be a senior partner...

He was a mate.

He wouldn't notice.

He's a barrister. Very well off.

He's a nasty bastard.

He's also still deranged. I'm not going.

He's divorced, apparently.

He's never dumped Bridget for some naked American.

Head of investment at Brightlings Bank...

Heh heh.

Hello, Bridget.

Hello, darling.

Hello, Julian.

Hello, Mummy.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Here.

Hey, Bridge, how's your love life?

Hey, Bridge, you looked fantastic.

Hey, there.

Hey, to keep me from you

Hey, to keep me from you

Hey, TV queen.

Hi, Mum.

Hi, there.

Hi, Uncle Geoffrey. Ha ha.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. I'm Tom. It's really good to meet you at last.

Hideous Tarts and Vicars fancy dress party.

His wife was Japanese. Very cruel race.

Hmm? Apparently not.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm. Well, the weakness of their case...

How do you know?

How interesting.

How's it going?

How's it look?

How's my little Bridget?

However, chances of reaching crucial moment...

Huh?

Huh.

Huh. What an idiot.

Human rights barrister. Pretty nasty beast, apparently.

Hurry up, Bridge!

I already feel like an idiot most of the time anyway...

I also think it's very important...

I am so sorry.

I am the intellectual equal of everyone else here.

I begged him not to say anything.

I believe there are just four of you not involved.

I bet you did, you dirty bitch.

I brought Natasha. Get a bit of work done.

I came with a colleague.

I can't believe you said what you said you said.

I can't deny the sex is still very surprising.

I can't make it with anyone.

I can't stop thinking about you...

I can't stop thinking about you...

I couldn't say, in all honesty, I've ever quite forgiven him.

I decided to take control of my life...

I didn't mean it.

I didn't. It must've been my parents.

I do realize what I'm like sometimes.

I don't know what you ever saw in him.

I don't know, Pam.

I don't know.

I don't know. I was having a slash.

I don't think you're an idiot at all.

I don't understand it.

I don’t know, being American and all...

I had to make sure that next year...

I have an idea. Let me finish this...

I have to say, this really is the most incredible shit.

I have, Father. I have.

I haven't really got time right now.

I hope he's good enough for our little Bridget.

I just can’t do it. I've got to head back.

I just close my eyes and listen...

I just don't know now.

I just panicked.

I just told you why I'm here.

I just want to staple things to her head.

I just wanted a bit of a chat.

I just wanted to know if you were available...

I know I will be OK

I know that.

I know.

I like you very much.

I like you.

I made the somewhat catastrophic mistake...

I mean, I know it's been awkward as ass...

I mean, I meant it...

I mean, obviously, with some effort on your part...

I mean, there are elements of the ridiculous about you.

I mean, there’s been all these bloody hints...

I mean, you seem to go out of your way...

I mean...

I must go, because...

I oughtn't go into it with you.

I owe you an apology about Daniel.

I realize that when I met you at the turkey curry buffet...

I realized I'd forgotten something back home.

I really am sorry.

I really, really wanted to see a friendly face.

I should get a taxi.

I should've guessed, shouldn't I?

I should've knew it!

I spent thirty five years cleaning his house...

I suddenly realized that unless some thing changed soon...

I suspect he does not fantasize about me.

I take it you're also heading for the Alconbury's rockery.

I think he was actually trying to flirt...

I think I can say with total confidence absolutely not.

I think it's going to need sieving.

I think it's time you and I put this past behind us.

I think that deserves a toast, don’t you?

I think we should pack, shouldn’t we?

I think you know what I mean.

I think, basically, Latin music is on its way out.

I thought it might be fun if you introduce me...

I thought that you were in America.

I thought with the company being in so much trouble and all...

I understand that perfectly.

I want a hard headed interview.

I want to hear this, because if she gives one inch...

I want you sliding down the pole...

I wanted you to be the first to know that...

I was being ironic.

I was going to live a life where my major relationship...

I was in London at a party last night...

I was just buying you a new one.

I was just dozing off, and I felt this huge...

I was just saying Geoffrey didn't contact you, either...

I was thrilled that little Kurdish bloke was set free.

I will go home and de bunny.

I will not be defeated...

I wouldn't end up shit faced and listening to sad FM...

I...

I...

I... I will pay.

I'd fire you, Bridge.

I'd like a word before you leave tonight.

I'll be in some seedy bar with some seedy blonde.

I'll be right with you.

I'll do it.

I'll go.

I'm 36years old. It may be my last chance to have a child.

I'm a terrible disaster...

I'm delighted to hear it.

I'm going mad.

I'm going now. Bye.

I'm going to Bedfordshire.

I'm going to fire her bony little bottom anyway...

I'm having dinner with Magda and Jeremy.

I'm here, Richard.

I'm joking, you daft cow.

I'm like Germaine sodding Geer.

I'm like the grasshopper who sang all summer.

I'm not willing to gamble my whole life...

I'm obviously interrupting a...

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, all right?

I'm so thrilled to be living in Britain today.

I'm sorry if I've been...

I'm sorry, Bridge. I know I'm being a prat.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I'm sorry, I have to have another look.

I'm sorry?

I'm sorry?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm not quite fine...

I'm still looking for something...

I'm terribly sorry to interrupt you...

I'm too needy.

I'm wearing something quite similar myself.

I'm well.

I'm your child, too.

I've been asking myself the same question.

I've been going crazy.

I've been offered a job in television.

I've got no life at all.

I've got no power, no real career...

I've got to leave my current job because I've shagged my boss.

I've laid out something lovely on your bed.

I’d been waiting my whole life to meet.

If actually do, by some terrible chance...

If he didn't leap over the family heirlooms...

If he wanted to come on a mini break to Paris...

If living is without you

If you ask me, there isn't enough blue food.

If you have to travel alone, travel in style.

If you look like you've wandered out of Auschwitz.

If you spent the entire party flirting with other women...

If you've changed your mind, you could just say so...

Ignore Daniel, and be fabulous with everyone else.

In "Fatal Attraction."

In 1993 by Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Kent.

In a lovely mock gold finish.

In any little boats and read poncey poetry to each other.

In Chechnya? isn’t it a nightmare?

In every situation.

In fact, stop talking, full stop.

In genuine diamante with two pairs in lapis lazuli...

In his paddling pool.

In his speeches.

In manner of Grace Kelly.

In my thirty second year of being single.

In several countries.

In this impertinent manner.

Incorporating the Hallelujah Chorus...

INNER VOICE: Tits Pervert!

INNER VOICE: Tits Pervert.

Instead, I choose vodka...

Introduce people with thoughtful details...

Is a particular festive favourite of mine...

Is going to be something else in law as well.

Is it?

Is some people's opinion of Kafka...

Is that Cleaver chap still as cute as ever?

Is that it really only applies to him.

Is there someone here?

Is this absolutely stunning...

Is your work, Salman?

Is, uh, the man we all call, uh...

Isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Isn't it terrible about Chechnya?

Isn't it terrible about Chechnya?

It didn’t work out with Daniel Cleaver?

It doesn't help that you and Bridget...

It has something to do with confidence and being so...

It tastes like...

It was my wife...

It would drive Mum wild with jealousy.

It's a pleasure, Jones.

It's a real fight!

It's been very hard.

It's got to be something extraordinary...

It's just a sex thing, but I promise you...

It's just that...

It's like a whole theory of short fiction...

It's like you said.

It's not exactly...

It's not you. You're lovely.

It's only a diary.

It's positively Vonnegut esque.

It's quite pervy, really.

It's really... really very good.

It's single people.

It's such a terrible pity...

It's very quiet here, isn't it? Are we the only guests, or...

It's Vile Richard.

It's what I call an all arounder...

JAMIE O'NEAL SINGING: ♪ All by myself ♪

JAMIE O'NEAL SINGING: ♪ When I was young ♪

Jesus.

Joanne and Paul...

Jones. Sod 'em all.

Jones...

JUDE: All I asked... I only asked...

JUDE: Close the door.

JUDE: No. Come on, let's go. No.

Julia and Michael...

Julian thinks I've got great potential.

JULIAN: And what a lovely bracelet.

JULIAN: Paying off this heart shaped pendant.

JULIAN: The earrings measuring just over a centimetre...

JULIAN: The exact replica of those worn at Wimbledon...

JULIAN: This baroque carriage clock...

JULIE LONDON SINGING: ♪ You are all long for ♪

Just as she is.

Just as she is.

Just as you are?

Just give me a minute, will you, Simon? Thanks.

Just give me a moment, all right? Just...

Just give me five minutes.

Just give me one more hour, OK?

Just give me time. Give me time.

Just poised for tragedy.

Just slow down. It started on Tuesday...

Just stir it, Una.

Just switch this on.

Just top person, really.

Keep me from you

Kiss you good bye. Do you mind?

Ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Lara, this is Bridget.

LARA: I thought you said she was thin.

Let me get a moment's break here, OK?

Let's go back upstairs.

Let's see, shall we?

Like all normal people.

Like me and you...

Likes to say "fuck" a lot.