A Christmas Story (1983) Edit

A bona fide garley turkicanus freak. A few days before Christmas...

A crummy commercial?

A fight?

A football! Oh, no. What was I doing?

A fuse blew and I had gone out of my skull.

A fuse is out.

A guy down in Terre Haute won a bowling alley.

A little more. Little more.

A little while ago, going up the other side of the street.

A major award?

A new furnace.

A period.

A piece of weaponry as ever I had laid eyes on.

A pile of junk!

A semicolon, you dolt!

A theme.

A tiny red hot little flame began to grow.

Actually, my old man loved it.

Adiós, Bart.

Adults love to say things like that. But kids know better.

Against Red Ryder and his peacemaker?

Against the lights of the traffic. And then they were gone.

Ah, there it is. My house.

Ah! "B." I went to the next.

Air rifle.

All gone.

All gone. No turkey. No turkey sandwiches.

All right, all right.

All right, calm down.

All right, class.

All right, everyone...

All right, Ma! I'll be right out!

All right, you two, upstairs.

All right!

All right?

All right.

All right.

All right. I'll get that kid to eat.

All right. Now go lie down.

All right. Where did you hear that word?

All was right with the world.

Almost there! My fingers flew.

And as you'll remember, Silas Marner...

And don't you forget it!

And everything would work out, somehow.

And finally, the coup de grâce of all dares...

And good old Cleveland Street. How could I ever forget it?

And he says it will freeze right to the pole just like I told you.

And he was twice as shrewd.

And I mean two minutes!

And I tried to get out of the way, but I...

And I want it handed in tomorrow morning...

And I was at the end of it.

And I'm sure the guilt you feel...

And swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as I screamed.

And the lamp blazed forth in unparalleled glory.

And there he is.

And there I am, with that dumb round face and...

And they ignored every other human being on earth but my old man.

And this is for Daddy.

And what do you want for Christmas, Billy? A toy truck?

And what's your name, little boy?

And, I think I see Aunt Clara's gift to you right over there.

Annie's secret circle can decode Annie's secret message.

Another shot of mysterious, inexorable, official justice.

Are you happy wearing that?

Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole?

Are you Parker?

Around which the entire kid year revolved.

As it came to be known...

As the Christmas when we were introduced to Chinese turkey.

As the word of this humiliation could easily make life...

At Warren G. Harding School a veritable hell.

Attention shoppers! It is now 9:00 and our store is closing.

Baloney.

Baloney.

BB guns are dangerous.

Be a good boy. Show Mommy how the piggies eat.

Be careful.

Beat him up! Beat him up!

Beautiful!

Because I can see you're a man who knows his trees.

Before a golden tinkling display...

Before he reached 21. And then they'd be sorry.

Billy.

Blasted!

Blind? Oh, my God!

Boy, did you see how it stuck?

Bring it right on in. Right here. Bring it ahead. Straight ahead.

Burrowing through the snow toward the kitchen...

But BB gun mania knows no loyalties.

But Bears, never.

But Bears, never.

But I chickened out. And I blurted out...

But I left my gun outside.

But I thought that I heard the sound of taps being played...

But if you do come back, you'll be pushing up daisies!

But no matter. Christmas was on its way.

But outside.

But such was my mania, my desire for a Red Ryder carbine...

But those who did it know their blame.

But what about my glasses?

But what is it?

But you see...

But, he has refused to say who.

By any means known to kid dom.

By skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat.

Bye, Chris.

C+!

C+?

Calm down. Come on in here, Ralph.

Can I have some more red cabbage?

Can I please have some more?

Can I try it out, Ma? Can I?

Casually, I switched tactics.

Cheese it, boys!

Christmas had come. Officially. We plunged into the cornucopia...

Close her up. Close it up.

Come down here so I can see you better.

Come on up on Santa's lap.

Come on up on Santa's lap.

Come on up.

Come on, come up, boys and girls. Hurry up.

Come on, cry baby, cry for me. Come on.

Come on, Flick, wait up for me.

Come on, get down in here.

Come on, guys, wait up!

Come on, guys, wait up!

Come on, guys!

Come on, kid.

Come on, Ralphie! I gotta go.

Come on, Ralphie.

Come on, Ralphie. Get in the car.

Come on, Ralphie. I got here first!

Come on, Randy, hurry up.

Come on, Randy.

Come on, you guys.

Come on, you! Hey, come here!

Come on, you're all right!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Have a chew, fellas, on me. It's my gift.

Come on. Let's get on with it.

Could be worth $50,000.

Countersigned, Pierre Andre!

Cry!

Cut it out.

Daddy's going to kill Ralphie.

Dadgummit!

Damn it. Blow out!

Damn skates!

Darn thing looks like it was made out of...

Deal.

Deep in the recesses of my brain...

Did he ask you if you'd been a good boy all year?

Did you get everything you wanted?

Did you hear about this guy who swallowed a yo yo?

Did you hear what he said?

Did you lose your glasses again?

Did you tell him what you wanted for Christmas?

Didn't I get a tie this year?

Do you know how to load it?

Do you know what this is?

Do you want to take it off?

Does this raise?

Don't bother me now. Can't you see I'm busy?

Don't bother me. I'm thinking.

Don't want to waste electricity.

Don't worry, Dad. As long as I got OI' Blue...

Don't worry, he knows.

Don't you feel remorse for what you have done?

Don't you give me that look! You're gonna get it!

Don't you touch that!

Don't. They run all over.

Down here in two minutes!

Downtown Hohman was prepared for its yearly bacchanalia of...

Eight minutes.

Even something as monumental as "The Scut Farkus Affair"...

Every family has a kid who won't eat.

Every pore vibrated.

Everybody upstairs.

Everything go all right?

Extreme duress speaking in strange tongues.

Falls off the garage and hits me in the eye!

Fearsome blue steel beauties.

Few things brought such swift and terrible retribution...

Fire truck. Oh boy, that's mine!

First nighters, packed earmuff to earmuff, jostled in wonderment...

Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store.

Flick? Flick who?

Flick's spine stiffened, his lips curled in a defiant sneer.

Football.

Football. What's a football?

For Annie's secret message for you members of the secret circle.

For Christ's sake, open up the damper, will you?

For extended deep sea diving.

For one brief moment I saw all the bolts silhouetted...

For the rest of my natural life.

For weeks, I had been scheming to get my mitts on one of these...

Four minutes!

Frantically I tried to remember what it was I wanted.

From me to you.

From the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.

From then on, things were different between me and my mother.

Gee whiz.

Gently.

Get dressed.

Get him off my lap.

Get him out of here.

Get in the car.

Get in the car. Get in the car.

Get moving, kid.

Get out of here!

Get over here and get your stinking dogs!

Get right into bed, and I don't want to see any lights on.

Get the crowbar and a hammer, Ralphie. Go on.

Get the glue.

Get up. Sit up. Come on.

Getting rich is hard work, kid. Come on.

Give me mine, Ralphie! Come on.

Go on home, you mangy mutts. Get out of here, you rotten, filthy...

Go on the double, on the double.

Go on.

Go upstairs right now and try on that present!

Gone.

Good morning, class.

Good morning, Miss Shields.

Got a whole goddamned team of utility infielders.

Gradually, I drifted off to sleep, pranging ducks on the wing...

Green pipe cleaners.

Green plastic trees.

Grover Dill, Farkus' crummy little toady.

Happy New Year.

Has anyone seen Flick?

Have you been a good boy? Have you?

He always knows.

He always saw himself in the pits at the Indianapolis Speedway...

He bought them by the gross.

He buried it next to the garage.

He had yellow eyes! So help me God, yellow eyes.

He knows because he once saw a guy stick his tongue...

He looks like a deranged Easter bunny.

He looks like a pink nightmare.

He played Santa last year, didn't he?

He said the telegram was late, the prize was already there...

He said...

He was at recess, wasn't he?

He was going to send it on tonight.

He'll freeze his keister off out there.

He'll know what I said, the awful things that I said.

Heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness.

Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine.

Help!

Here is the message.

Here we go.

Here you go.

Here, bring it right in, fellas. That's it. Here we go.

Here, dry off.

Here.

Here. Bring it in.

Here. Hold this.

Hey, Bumpus!

Hey, come here! Get over here!

Hey, come on, what's for dinner? I'm starving to death.

Hey, Dad!

Hey, Flick! Wait up.

Hey, four eyes!

Hey, kid, hurry up, the store's closing!

Hey, listen, smart ass. I asked my old man about sticking...

Hey, look at that. Look at that. A Western Union telegram.

Hey, Ralphie!

Hey, you turned the light off!

Higbees' corner window was traditionally a high water mark...

His eyes would begin to gleam with a wild and ravenous light.

His lips curled over his green teeth.

Hold it right there!

Hold it! Don't anybody move!

Hold that on there.

Holy cow, it's the fire department!

Holy smoke, would you...

Holy smokes, it was 6:45.

Honors and benefits. Already at the age of nine.

Horrified, I heard myself blurt it out.

How about a nice football?

How are they going to deliver a bowling alley here tonight?

How do the little piggies go?

How'd you like your snowball sandwich?

Huddled family and insensate evil.

Hurry up, you're going to be late for school.

I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities...

I broke your lamp.

I called Ernie McClosky at the freight depot.

I can't get out! Help me!

I can't get up!

I can't get up!

I can't get up!

I can't now, Grover. I've gotta go see Miss Shields.

I could feel the Christmas noose beginning to tighten.

I could still taste it.

I could tell that I was in imminent danger of over playing my hand.

I could tell that tonight's message was really important.

I couldn't believe my own ears. Tinkertoys?

I didn't expect they were going to send the whole damn bowling alley.

I don't know what happened.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't need all that jazz about smugglers and pirates.

I don't want anyone shooting his eye out.

I don't want to.

I feel awful!

I gave him a talking to.

I go help my father with anything.

I got it. "Master Ralph Parker."

I had one when I was eight years old.

I had pulled it off!

I hate it!

I hate meatloaf.

I hate the smell of tapioca.

I have since heard of people under...

I have your Christmas themes for you.

I heard the car roar up the driveway, and a wave of terror broke over me.

I hope Santa hasn't had to pass up this house...

I just hoped Flick would never spot them...

I just thought that you'd be getting tired of the same old stuff.

I knew I was handing Miss Shields a masterpiece.

I know just the place for it.

I left Flick to certain annihilation.

I like Santa.

I like The Wizard of Oz.

I promise you Daddy is not going to kill Ralphie.

I saw a faint gleam of light at the other end of...

I see something! Randy.

I see that the Bears are playing Green Bay on Sunday.

I see.

I slowly began to realize I was not about to be destroyed.

I still say those things are dangerous.

I told you not to use Lifebuoy.

I triple dog dare you!

I wanna see what it looks like from the street.

I want an official Red Ryder carbine action 200 shot range model air rifle.

I want an official Red Ryder carbine action 200 shot...

I want to put the nuts in it. There we are.

I want you to go in there and lie down in your room for a while.

I want you to write...

I was blowing it, blowing it.

I was getting closer now.

I was just kidding. Even though Flick is getting one.

I was not only perpetually four years old, but also a girl.

I was surrounded by happier kids who were all going to get...

I was watering my plant and...

I went out to face the world again.

I won it.

I won!

I won!

I won!

I wonder what it could be?

I'd just like some Tinkertoys.

I'll be right out, for crying out loud!

I'll bet you'll never guess what I got you for Christmas.

I'll come in, and if any lights are on...

I'll manage to get along, somehow.

I'll see you in Oz, folks.

I'll see you later? Okay. Bye.

I'm just turning in my theme.

I'm not color blind, either.

I'm not color blind.

I'm pleased.

I'm telling my dad!

If Higbee thinks I'm working one minute past 9:00, he can kiss my foot.

If we don't hurry we're going to miss all the good trees!

Immediately my feet began to sweat as those two fluffy little bunnies...

In general, you did very well.

In his hand was the knurled stock of as coolly deadly looking...

In ink!

In northern Indiana.

In northern Indiana.

In our world, you were either a bully, a toady...

In the 500.

In the academic sense.

In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity...

In the jungles of kid dom, the mind switches gears rapidly.

In the legendary battle of the lamp.

Into my parents' subconscious.

Is a turkey junkie.

Is far worse than any punishment you might receive.

Is that beautiful!

Is there something you want, Ralph?

Isn't it about time for somebody's favorite radio program?

Isn't that cute?

Isn't that glorious?

Isn't that great? What a great lamp!

It could be seen up and down Cleveland Street.

It had to be firm, but subtle.

It hit my cheek and it broke my glasses.

It is a lamp, you nincompoop. But it's a major award.

It just caught me off guard.

It means it's coming tonight!

It really is.

It really works!

It was almost clear.

It was his true medium. A master.

It was indeed a lamp.

It was the first time that it had been suggested that...

It would work. It had to work. Quickly, I whipped up some tears.

It's a beautiful duck.

It's a bowling ball.

It's a leg!

It's hard.

It's here.

It's in there. It's gotta be in there.

It's indescribably beautiful. It reminds me of the Fourth of July!

It's just... Let me get it fixed. That's all right.

It's OI' Blue!

It's smiling at me.

Jealous because I won.

Jealous of a plastic leg?

Jealous of what?

Jealous!

Jeez!

Jesus, God.

Jesus!

Just a little... More to the right.

Just because some boys weren't in bed when he came by.

Kids, it's Little Orphan Annie time.

Kids, zip.

Kitchen. Bring food. For customers.

Know what I'm getting my old man for Christmas?

Later that night, alone in the backyard...

Let's face it. Most of us were scoffers.

Let's go.

Let's see, an icicle!

Let's see...

Life is like that.

Lifebuoy, on the other hand...

Listen to this sentence.

Listen tomorrow night for the concluding adventure of...

Listen, Christmas only comes once a year. Why not?

Listen, jerk.

Listen, little boy, we got a lot of people waiting here, so get going!

Look at him!

Look at him!

Look at that! Will you look at that?

Look, I can't.

Louder!

Lovely, glorious, beautiful Christmas...

Lucky I've got a compass in the stock.

Margins! Margins! "F"!

Maybe Miss Shields, in her ecstasy, would excuse me from theme writing...

Maybe they forgot.

Maybe what happened next was inevitable.

Maybe you'd like another one!

Mean. Rotten.

Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right BB gun hint.

Meatloaf, double beetloaf.

Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.

Merry Christmas, you two.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Mickey! Mickey!

Mind power, Sweed, mind power.

Miss Shields!

Mom, this is just the same old dumb parade as last year.

Moments before zero hour, it did not pay to take chances.

Mommy's little piggy.

More like the Chicago Chipmunks, maybe.

Mothers know nothing about creeping marauders...

Move it a little bit to the right. A little that way.

Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said?

My decoder pen!

My eye's all right. The BB must've hit my glasses.

My father worked in profanity the way...

My fevered brain seethed with the effort of trying to come up with...

My glasses! Oh, no!

My God, will you look at that mess?

My kid brother had not eaten voluntarily in over three years.

My kid brother looked like a tick about to pop.

My life's work down the drain.

My mind had gone blank.

My mind was a steel trap.

My mother had not had a hot meal for herself in 15 years.

My mother had slipped up this time.

My mother must have gotten to Miss Shields.

My mother was about to make another brilliant maneuver...

My mother was more subtle.

My mother was trying to insinuate herself between us and the statue.

My mother, grabbing for her copy of Look magazine...

My old man was one of the most feared furnace fighters...

My old man was one of the most feared furnace fighters...

My old man's spare tires were actually only tires...

My personal preference is for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice...

My pretty...

My Ralph!

My, isn't that pretty?

Name the great characters in American literature.

Next to me in the blackness lay my oiled blue steel beauty.

Ninety seconds later I'm in the only room in the house...

No matter. Today I had serious work to do.

No turkey salad. No turkey gravy, turkey hash, turkey à la king...

No, he's not.

No, he's not.

No, here, Ralph, hold this.

No, not that way. Come on, rat trap, hold it like this.

No, that's for tomorrow night. You love red cabbage, Ralphie.

No, that's them balsams.

No, the green is on. It's the blue that's out.

No!

No! He heard it from your son!

No! Not, "ra ra ra ra ra." "La la la la la."

No.

No.

Not again.

Not that!

Nothing much.

Now here's a tree. This here is a tree.

Now I could never be sure...

Now I had heard that word at least 10 times a day from my old man.

Now it is well known throughout the Midwest that the old man...

Now it was out.

Now it was serious. A double dog dare.

Now try not to do that anymore.

Now wait a minute. All right. Plug her in!

Now, boys and girls, I'm going to give you an assignment.

Now, don't you feel terrible?

Now, I know that some of you put Flick up to this.

Now, let me see what can I find.

Now, show me how the piggies eat. This is your trough.

Now, you ain't gonna find no better tree than this here tree.

Of course! Santa.

Of his shattered major award.

Of mechanized, electronic joy.

Of mothers was not surmountable...

Of phrase in this ritual is very important.

Of the pre Christmas season.

Oh, come on, Mom.

Oh, don't tell me what color it is.

Oh, fudge!

Oh, God.

Oh, goodness, look at the time.

Oh, honey, come over here. Look at this.

Oh, how could we do it?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, isn't that sweet?

Oh, it was beautiful. I could hardly wait to try it out.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! I shot my eye out!

Oh, my.

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Oh, no! It was the classic mother BB gun block.

Oh, no! Pulverized.

Oh, Ralph.

Oh, Ralphie, you've made me proud.

Oh, Randy, don't play with your food, eat it!

Oh, rarely had the words poured from my penny pencil...

Oh, skunked again.

Oh, turkey!

Oh, yeah.

Okay, Black Bart, now you get yours.

Okay, boys. Haul that on in here. Move your tails.

Okay, down you go.

Okay, get him out of here.

Okay, let's get them.

Okay, Ralphie!

Okay, sit down here. Squat down.

Okay?

On a kid as a pair of busted glasses!

Only I didn't say "fudge."

Only one thing that could've dragged me away...

Only one way to find out, isn't there?

Open your books to Page 32.

Or gallons of turkey soup.

Or it could be a bowling alley.

Or would ever receive.

Ordinarily, if Dill so much as said "hi" to you, you felt great...

Our hillbilly neighbors, the Bumpuses, had at least...

Ovaltine?

Over the years, I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap.

Parents, one.

Parker, what is that?

Peace on earth and good will to men.

People come to smell it, it squirts them.

Perfect.

Pierre was in great voice tonight.

Piquant, after dinner flavor.

Poetry.

Preparing to go to school was like getting ready...

Put on your galoshes and your coat. It's cold out.

Quick, get me a towel.

Quit dragging your feet.

Ralph, an "A+."

Ralph, is it something we did?

Ralph, please tell us no matter how it hurts. What did we do?

Ralphie had a fight.

Ralphie Parker.

Ralphie, come back!

Ralphie, do you know where Flick is?

Ralphie, just settle down.

Ralphie, look over there.

Ralphie, on the double!

Ralphie, Santa's not going anyplace. Just be still!

Ralphie, show everybody what Aunt Clara gave you.

Ralphie, what did Aunt Clara give you? Show everybody.

Ralphie, what would you like for Christmas?

Ralphie, why don't you go help your father?

Ralphie, you be careful out there. Don't shoot your eye out!

Ralphie, you play Santa this time.

Ralphie!

Ralphie!

Ralphie!

Ralphie!

Ralphie! Randy has got to go! Will you please come out?

Ralphie! Randy's gotta go!

Ralphie.

Ralphie.

Randomly, my mind evolved a spectacular plot.

Randy lay there like a slug.

Randy, come on! Get up, Randy!

Randy, no. Wait for Christmas to start, honey.

Randy, will you eat? There are starving people in China.

Randy!

Range model air rifle.

Red cabbage?

Red Ryder carbine action 200 shot range model air rifle.

Red Ryder himself.

Remember, Annie is depending on you.

Remember, kids, only members of...

Remember, you left these on the radio again.

Right in the middle of our front room window!

Right now!

Right there. That's wonderful.

Right.

Rinse out and go to bed. Am I glad you finished your homework!

Round one was over.

Santa can't wait all night.

Santa Claus probably put it.

Santa!

Santa! Santa!

Save us, Ralphie! I just knew those bad guys...

Schmucker! Smelly watt buster!

Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette...

Schwartz!

Scut Farkus!

Scut Farkus! What a rotten name. We were trapped.

Secret society decoder pen.

See, the line's not so long. Get in it.

Serves you right, you smelly buggers.

Set your pins to B 2.

Settle down.

She always sends you such wonderful presents.

She hadn't seen! She didn't know!

She just always gives you the nicest things, Ralphie.

She went to all that trouble to make it! Now go on.

She'd never buy it.

Sheer poetry.

Show me how the piggies eat.

Shucks, I wouldn't have known that. It looks like a lamp.

Shut up, Randy.

Signed, Little Orphan Annie.

Sing like this:

Sing something else.

So what are you doing?

So what else happened today?

Soap poisoning.

Some men are Baptists, others Catholics. My father was an Oldsmobile man.

Something had happened.

Sometimes at the height of our reveries, when our joy is at its zenith...

Son of a bitch!

Sons a bitches! Bumpuses!

Stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher.

Starving people would be happy to have that.

Stay together, you hear? And don't get lost.

Stop playing with your food, or I'll give you something to cry about.

Stop right there!

Stop!

Stop!

Stop!

Strange.

Stuck? Stuck!

Take it off!

Take Randy's hand and hold on to him. We'll see you later, okay?

Take your seat.

Take your seats, please.

Thank you, darling.

Thank you, Flick.

Thank you, Heather.

Thanks a lot, guys.

Thanks a lot.

That as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.

That blasted, stupid furnace.

That Christmas would live in our memories...

That goddamned Olds is froze up again!

That I immediately began to rebuild the dike.

That is the most precious thing I've ever seen in my life.

That is...

That she would sympathize with my plight...

That son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the Equator!

That son of a gun.

That son of a gun. I'm gonna get that dirty...

That star is crooked.

That star is perfectly straight.

That stupid stocking cap.

That's 'cause you know it will stick!

That's a good one, Dad.

That's a message from Annie herself. Remember, don't tell anyone.

That's all I'm going to say about poor Flick.

That's another one of your silly puzzles?

That's dumb.

That's fine.

That's funny.

That's it.

That's nice.

That's not like that politics slop.

That's ridiculous! Jealous?

That's right.

That's right.

That's right. Oink, oink.

The "f, dash, dash, dash" word.

The big man. The head honcho.

The big one. The queen mother of dirty words.

The black cave of doom.

The Black Pirate Ship. Now it's time...

The Bumpus hounds.

The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture?

The Chicago Bears.

The chocolate snowman eats little boys.

The clouds lifted.

The connection.

The entire neighborhood was turned on.

The epic struggle which followed lives in the folklore of Cleveland Street...

The exact exchange and nuance...

The exact exchange and nuance...

The fate of the planet may hang in the balance.

The first name that came to mind.

The greatest Christmas gift I had ever received...

The heavenly aroma still hung heavy in the house. But it was gone.

The holy grail of Christmas gifts.

The infinitely subtle devices necessary to implant...

The light was getting purple and soft outside.

The line ends here. It begins there.

The line waiting to see Santa stretched all the way back to Terre Haute!

The most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.

The old man could replace fuses quicker than a jackrabbit on a date.