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Home > Herbert Clunkerdunk Soundboard
A feature film- Get that
A hospital, right. Well, the doctor will see you now!
Acting agent. I know, I'm as surprised as you are
Ah!
ALL WHISTLE
And he came out. I went, All right, mate, yeah
And he'd left the lid down and the seat down. Bit weird, wasn't it
And I can see quite clearly he's swallowed money
And I can see quite clearly that he's swallowed money
And I can see quite clearly that he's swallowed money
And I can see quite clearly that he's swallowed money
And I can see quite clearly that he's swallowed money
And I just put the..
And it wasn't just like, Oh, sorry!
And that's how the bottle of water got down there, I think
And then it'll go..
And then we go, hmm, I want to uncover this
And then, I, like, fall and then the jar..
Anyway, I did, like, a festival poo
Anyway, went in..
Be all right
BEAT STARTS
Because now I want to dig this big hole,
Better be professional
Bit nervous, needed a poo
Bullshit
Bullshit
Bullshit
Bullshit
Bullshit with music
But we have another role we'd like to see you for. OK. What's the role?
Bye, bye, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye, bye, bye, bye
Cappuccino
Caught my foot..
CHILD- Daddy, Daddy!
Could you roll it up and stick it in my mouth, please- Yep
Diction. You've got to get your diction right
Do you remember when we first met- Yeah
Do you want another go at it- Yes, please
DRAMATIC CHORD
E-mail. My agent
GALLOPING FOOTSTEPS
Guess who just got an audition for a feature film
Ha!
HE DISTORTS THE MESSAGE
HE GROANS Chika-chika-chika-chika..
He killed a man
HE MUMBLE-READS ALONG
HE MUMBLES
HE MUMBLES
HE MUMBLES ..lunch by there
HE PLAYS NOTES WITH COMB
HE PLUCKS NOTES
He takes a deep breath to himself..
He was out washing his hands and he went, Ah-ah-ah-ah-hem!
HE WHISTLES
Hello! HE LAUGHS
Hello! How you doing- I'm Herbert
Help me!
Herbert Clunkerdunk. Yeah
Herbert! Oi-oi-!
Hey, look, have you ever done that
Hi, Herbert. Hi. Bad news the doctor role has gone
Hi!
Hmm! I got an X-ray of your baby
Hour and a half
How has he swallowed money
How's the missus
How's the old acting going
I can see clearly he's swallowed money
I can see quite clearly that he's swallowed money
I can vote
I did read the e-mail
I don't really know. Anyway, nice to meet you
I got down on the ground,
I like to clean the floor
I should go and learn my lines. OK
I want to see that Foo Fighters
I was annoyed. I went, Oh, bloody hell, mate!
I was like, never mind coughing, mate,
I'm 41. Yeah, I know
I'm melting away!
I'm rubbish at auditions
I've got an audition today, mate
I've got an X-ray of your baby
I've got an X-ray of your baby
I've got an X-ray...of your baby
I've never had an audition for a film before
IMITATES TECHNO BEAT
Is it just one line- Yeah, just one line
It was more like, I don't care about anyone but me!
It's Johnny Wallop. He's quality! Oi-oi! What's happening
Just going off to a potentially life-changing audition
Just...- Mm-hm
Living the dream. I'm putting the bins out. Sweet, bruv
LOW-PITCHED- I've been a dirty floor
MIMICS AN AIR-HORN
Mm, well, proper, you know. She's training to become a yoga teacher
MUMBLING BECOMES TUNE
MUMBLING CONTINUES # Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh... #
MUSIC PLAYS
MUSIC STOPS
MUSIC STOPS Oh!
My... And then the bottle jar..
No, no, Johnny, no
No, not now. OK, yeah, 5.15
Not even a little bit
Now, take a deep breath and hold it
Oh, a film. Short film
Oh, always leaves these long e-mails, you know
Oh, Herbert, could you do me a favour- Er... Yeah
Oh, hi, Kitty. Yeah, really good, thanks
Oh, shit, my agent
Oh, short film- Feature film, mate!
Oh, that's better. I've been gasping all day
Oh, you're letting me out- Oh, OK, thank you
Oh, you're not surprised- Oh, thank you very much
Oh! It's gone on the floor. Yeah
Oh. They're just nice old people
OK, bye, family!
OK, bye, Kitty. Bye-bye
OK, then. All right. Lovely
OK. Audition
Ooh
Ooo-ooh, dirty floor
Or is it my mind?
PHONE ALARM- # Well, it's a very good morniiiiiiing
Playing a doctor in a film
Pleased to meet you
POP!
POP! POP! POP! POP! POP!
POP! POP! POP! POP! POP! POP!
POSH ACCENT- I have X-ray of your baby
Really, really dig
See you later, mate. This way, dog
So if you could lie down on the chairs for me
So, here's what I've got to say
So, I lifted up the lid. There's wee all over the seat
SQUEAKING
Steady, and delivers the news
Stupid idiot
TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS
Thank you for your help
That way we won't be able to see you breathing
That's bullshit
The first one I went to, got there a bit early
Then he went, and I went in,
There- Yeah
This is what I've got to say in the audition
Wahey!
Wallop!
Wallop! Ay!
Welcome to my telly programme
Well, I've got a bit of oat milk in the fridge and that
Well, I've got an X-ray of your baby
What am I watching here
What for- An advert
When I got there, someone was in the cubicle and I waited
When I held the big bottle of water,
WHISTLE SOLO
Who's feeding money to kids
Whoosh! Toosshh!
Woof! Hey! Oi..
Yeah, it's basically like a job interview for a dickhead
Yeah, you have
Yeah. But what are the headlines
Yeah. Yeah..
You into turning all middle-class on me, are ya
You know what an audition is
You know, when you sort of sit down, but you don't touch it
You ready for one- Er, yep
You see that brown envelope on the floor
You- Yeah! Woohoo!
You've wee'd all over the seat, here
..chika-chika-chika-chika... # Wake up, you've got to wake up
..he was the director
..just gets..
# Aaaaaaahhhh! #
# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ow! #
# Chicane, chicane, chicane roundabout
# Chicane, chicane, chicane roundabout
# Do a little speed hump
# Do a little speed hump
# Don't care I've learned my lines
# Don't care, and I've learned my lines
# Everybody saying he's a man Everybody saying he's a man... #
# Everybody saying he's a man Everybody saying he's a man... #
# Hold on
# I can see quite clearly that he's swallowed money
# I can see quite clearly that he's swallowed money... #
# I feel fine I'm even on time
# I feel fine I'm even on time
# I feel fine I'm even on time
# I feel fine I'm leaving on time
# I need cleaning
# I've got an X-ray of your baby
# I've got an X-ray of your baby
# My hair's OK
# My hair's OK
# My hair's OK, don't care and I've learned my lines
# My hair's OK, don't care and I've learned my lines... #
# Oh, everybody's going to tell you what to do
# Oh, everybody's going to tell you what to do
# Oh, here's the doctor, I'll be coming round for you
# Oh, here's the doctor, I'll be coming round for you
# Ooooooh
# Ringing! Your phone is ringing! #
# Road rage!
# Wake up, it's time to wake up It's time to wake up
# Wake up, it's time to wake up Wake up, it's time to wake up... #
# Wake up, you've got to wake up Wake up, you've got to wake up
# Wake up! #
# Wake up... # Your breath smells a bit
# Well, it's a very good morniiiiiing... #
# What you gonna clean me with
# With my mouth... #
# Yeah, got the right clothes on
# Yeah, got the right clothes on
# Yeah, you do
# You know, I've got the right clothes on
# You're going slow cos you're old aged... #
# You've got an e-mail! E-mail! #
# You've got to wake up. #

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