Herbert Clunkerdunk Soundboard Edit

A feature film- Get that

A hospital, right. Well, the doctor will see you now!

Acting agent. I know, I'm as surprised as you are

Ah!

ALL WHISTLE

And he came out. I went, All right, mate, yeah

And he'd left the lid down and the seat down. Bit weird, wasn't it

And I can see quite clearly he's swallowed money

And I can see quite clearly that he's swallowed money

And I can see quite clearly that he's swallowed money

And I can see quite clearly that he's swallowed money

And I can see quite clearly that he's swallowed money

And I just put the..

And it wasn't just like, Oh, sorry!

And that's how the bottle of water got down there, I think

And then it'll go..

And then we go, hmm, I want to uncover this

And then, I, like, fall and then the jar..

Anyway, I did, like, a festival poo

Anyway, went in..

Be all right

BEAT STARTS

Because now I want to dig this big hole,

Better be professional

Bit nervous, needed a poo

Bullshit

Bullshit

Bullshit

Bullshit

Bullshit with music

But we have another role we'd like to see you for. OK. What's the role?

Bye, bye, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye, bye, bye, bye

Cappuccino

Caught my foot..

CHILD- Daddy, Daddy!

Could you roll it up and stick it in my mouth, please- Yep

Diction. You've got to get your diction right

Do you remember when we first met- Yeah

Do you want another go at it- Yes, please

DRAMATIC CHORD

E-mail. My agent

GALLOPING FOOTSTEPS

Guess who just got an audition for a feature film

Ha!

HE DISTORTS THE MESSAGE

HE GROANS Chika-chika-chika-chika..

He killed a man

HE MUMBLE-READS ALONG

HE MUMBLES

HE MUMBLES

HE MUMBLES ..lunch by there

HE PLAYS NOTES WITH COMB

HE PLUCKS NOTES

He takes a deep breath to himself..

He was out washing his hands and he went, Ah-ah-ah-ah-hem!

HE WHISTLES

Hello! HE LAUGHS

Hello! How you doing- I'm Herbert

Help me!

Herbert Clunkerdunk. Yeah

Herbert! Oi-oi-!

Hey, look, have you ever done that

Hi, Herbert. Hi. Bad news the doctor role has gone

Hi!

Hmm! I got an X-ray of your baby

Hour and a half

How has he swallowed money

How's the missus

How's the old acting going

I can see clearly he's swallowed money

I can see quite clearly that he's swallowed money

I can vote

I did read the e-mail

I don't really know. Anyway, nice to meet you

I got down on the ground,

I like to clean the floor

I should go and learn my lines. OK

I want to see that Foo Fighters

I was annoyed. I went, Oh, bloody hell, mate!

I was like, never mind coughing, mate,

I'm 41. Yeah, I know

I'm melting away!

I'm rubbish at auditions

I've got an audition today, mate

I've got an X-ray of your baby

I've got an X-ray of your baby

I've got an X-ray...of your baby

I've never had an audition for a film before

IMITATES TECHNO BEAT

Is it just one line- Yeah, just one line

It was more like, I don't care about anyone but me!

It's Johnny Wallop. He's quality! Oi-oi! What's happening

Just going off to a potentially life-changing audition

Just...- Mm-hm

Living the dream. I'm putting the bins out. Sweet, bruv

LOW-PITCHED- I've been a dirty floor

MIMICS AN AIR-HORN

Mm, well, proper, you know. She's training to become a yoga teacher

MUMBLING BECOMES TUNE

MUMBLING CONTINUES # Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh... #

MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS

MUSIC STOPS Oh!

My... And then the bottle jar..

No, no, Johnny, no

No, not now. OK, yeah, 5.15

Not even a little bit

Now, take a deep breath and hold it

Oh, a film. Short film

Oh, always leaves these long e-mails, you know

Oh, Herbert, could you do me a favour- Er... Yeah

Oh, hi, Kitty. Yeah, really good, thanks

Oh, shit, my agent

Oh, short film- Feature film, mate!

Oh, that's better. I've been gasping all day

Oh, you're letting me out- Oh, OK, thank you

Oh, you're not surprised- Oh, thank you very much

Oh! It's gone on the floor. Yeah

Oh. They're just nice old people

OK, bye, family!

OK, bye, Kitty. Bye-bye

OK, then. All right. Lovely

OK. Audition

Ooh

Ooo-ooh, dirty floor

Or is it my mind?

PHONE ALARM- # Well, it's a very good morniiiiiiing

Playing a doctor in a film

Pleased to meet you

POP!

POP! POP! POP! POP! POP!

POP! POP! POP! POP! POP! POP!

POSH ACCENT- I have X-ray of your baby

Really, really dig

See you later, mate. This way, dog

So if you could lie down on the chairs for me

So, here's what I've got to say

So, I lifted up the lid. There's wee all over the seat

SQUEAKING

Steady, and delivers the news

Stupid idiot

TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

Thank you for your help

That way we won't be able to see you breathing

That's bullshit

The first one I went to, got there a bit early

Then he went, and I went in,

There- Yeah

This is what I've got to say in the audition

Wahey!

Wallop!

Wallop! Ay!

Welcome to my telly programme

Well, I've got a bit of oat milk in the fridge and that

Well, I've got an X-ray of your baby

What am I watching here

What for- An advert

When I got there, someone was in the cubicle and I waited

When I held the big bottle of water,

WHISTLE SOLO

Who's feeding money to kids

Whoosh! Toosshh!

Woof! Hey! Oi..

Yeah, it's basically like a job interview for a dickhead

Yeah, you have

Yeah. But what are the headlines

Yeah. Yeah..

You into turning all middle-class on me, are ya

You know what an audition is

You know, when you sort of sit down, but you don't touch it

You ready for one- Er, yep

You see that brown envelope on the floor

You- Yeah! Woohoo!

You've wee'd all over the seat, here

..chika-chika-chika-chika... # Wake up, you've got to wake up

..he was the director

..just gets..

# Aaaaaaahhhh! #

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ow! #

# Chicane, chicane, chicane roundabout

# Chicane, chicane, chicane roundabout

# Do a little speed hump

# Do a little speed hump

# Don't care I've learned my lines

# Don't care, and I've learned my lines

# Everybody saying he's a man Everybody saying he's a man... #

# Everybody saying he's a man Everybody saying he's a man... #

# Hold on

# I can see quite clearly that he's swallowed money

# I can see quite clearly that he's swallowed money... #

# I feel fine I'm even on time

# I feel fine I'm even on time

# I feel fine I'm even on time

# I feel fine I'm leaving on time

# I need cleaning

# I've got an X-ray of your baby

# I've got an X-ray of your baby

# My hair's OK

# My hair's OK

# My hair's OK, don't care and I've learned my lines

# My hair's OK, don't care and I've learned my lines... #

# Oh, everybody's going to tell you what to do

# Oh, everybody's going to tell you what to do

# Oh, here's the doctor, I'll be coming round for you

# Oh, here's the doctor, I'll be coming round for you

# Ooooooh

# Ringing! Your phone is ringing! #

# Road rage!

# Wake up, it's time to wake up It's time to wake up

# Wake up, it's time to wake up Wake up, it's time to wake up... #

# Wake up, you've got to wake up Wake up, you've got to wake up

# Wake up! #

# Wake up... # Your breath smells a bit

# Well, it's a very good morniiiiiing... #

# What you gonna clean me with

# With my mouth... #

# Yeah, got the right clothes on

# Yeah, got the right clothes on

# Yeah, you do

# You know, I've got the right clothes on

# You're going slow cos you're old aged... #

# You've got an e-mail! E-mail! #

# You've got to wake up. #