Alan Partridge's Audiobook Two Zero Soundboard Edit

A B&B owner was, by definition a customer facing role. But try telling that to the nervous nellies who run today's guest houses and only speak from behind locked doors or lobby in chippy responses ...

A foot wound has opened up again after snagging on a sharp stick. The thin plastic skin of my carrier bag shoe no match for its jaggedness, and As for bread, well, it's been beaten so thin by my bo...

A radio station is a piece of precision engineering. It's like a Swiss watch or a Segway. Its equilibrium is delicate. You can't remove a cog here or a wheel there, or a DJ over there without causi...

A salutary lesson when Phillip Schofield got that this morning job giving his career a shot in the arm like a doctor might give a convulsing junkie who's got a shit career he wanted to shout it fro...

A staggeringly tedious exchange during which eye Godfrey let her down, gently promising to remember her always, and paid her back 2 grand from my own money purely to spare me the grief of having a ...

A suggestion of nakedness is I concede harder to explain. Unlike certain adult only swimming pools in Germany and Scotland, bathing without trunks is prohibited in England and I for one take great ...

Absolute tit of an airport. No. Gatwick is the place to be a take a moment to look at the transport hub that surrounds me. I don't just drink in its beauty. I actually feel like I eat it too.

Acknowledgements: On this occasion there is no one I wish to acknowledge. Thank you.

Adding that it's more George Clooney than George Lazenby. Everyone laughs, but I once shared a pillow with George Lazenby and don't.

Admittedly, I do wave at them occasionally, but that's primarily a health and safety thing to ensure that they don't get in my way. And while my moonwalk does elicit a cheer, I only really do it to...

Admittedly, it's a moment that would have had more significance if my father had passed this way, but there's no Rd crossing here, so he would have used the Dartford Tunnel a few clicks West. As fo...

Advertising sales team.

After lunch, I'll put The Dirty crockery back onto the tray and leave it outside the front door for my assistant to collect.

After this nightmare on Elm Dr, although it isn't really a nightmare, it's absolutely fine. I make my way to the Tudor something hotel and sleep the sleep of the just.

Ah, just the man. He says. I walk on loving the deadly sins chat Alan but Pizza Hut have been on asking if you can paint gluttony in a more positive light as its central to their business model and...

Alan

Alan Partridge August 2016.

Alan Partridge Nomad by Alan Partridge. Read by Alan Partridge.

Alan, I feel my name being whispered down the wind, as if his spirit is speaking with me, Allan.

Alan, I'm not worried about the sponsors.

Alan, it's none of that. You just haven't got the leave. But this time he's looking shifty and makes a hasty exit. He claims he has a meeting to go to, even though both he and I know he's just goin...

All I'll say is Michael. If you are out there, send me a sign. Maybe we could meet and talk about armoured vehicles. Yes, I should like that very much.

All right, you might say it doesn't happen now, but it used to and fair enough, it did used to. But what people fail to recognize is that East Anglia is in a remote part of the country. There's ver...

All that remains is for me to ask him to swear on his mother's life, that the candle will remain lit for the entire duration of my walk, and I am on my way.

All the while discussing potential competition ideas for mid morning matters, the digital radio show that keeps me both happy and fulfilled and content.

Also in the box is a letter from BNFL expressing its regret that since my father had failed to attend the interview, his application would be taken no further.

Although I have my assistant plot 5 routes and then I choose my favorite.

Although they share many of the same conservative values, swallow and Flint are too pigheaded to see this, and they're superficially different traits mean they're doomed to dislike each other, even...

Always hurting those he gets too close to.

An item of clothing I could no longer stand annoying as I used to wear a plastic rain poncho at the Goodwood Revival festival to protect my suit.

And a kick in the cock there, smiling at me was Edmunds.

And although it's less funky, the incessant dumb dumb dumb dumb distracts me from my fatigue.

And as I sat off South along Ipswich Road, the automobiles of Norwich are in particularly fine voice. The pleasing Tink Tink of a Ford cougar, the playful Doo Doo of a Fiat Punto, the throaty Merp ...

And by lunchtime I've raised over 60 pounds for a power source that will surely play a key role in our nation's future energy mix.

And causing pandemonium, and it would be pandemonium never fails to raise a smile.

And gave her one of the best handshakes she'd ever had.

And he had the nerve to suggest I should be trying to resurrect that Harvey Kennedy. Dale Huff she proffers I know like I'm going to take the advice off any Tom, Dick and Harry. I mean, what am I g...

And he looks far over my shoulder, as if visualizing a lucrative and mutually successful future. I look at him nodding. Yes, he continues. You should definitely do it.

And here I am, in the hallway of a woman who claims to be utterly oblivious to my career, yet has a photographic shrine to my broadcasting nemesis.

And I tell him that if I were 20 years younger, I'd definitely have tried to pitch it. But after Harvey let me down and the whole backshall mess, no, I tell him I have different priorities these da...

And if that thirst for besting those who have wronged me does return at any stage during my walk, then that's fine too, because Needless to say, I'll have the last laugh.

And it's working.

And late that night it comes to a head.

And like most people who don't read the Guardian, I'd happily pick up a 12 bore shotgun to help control population numbers.

And not blinking, which proves it's the truth.

And now here I am in a park going nowhere. I'm going absolutely no. He silences me by putting his fingers to my lips, a smell of cigarettes and beef crisps. No where he says shaking his head sounds...

And now I think about it. I realized my father had never been the same after this day.

And now the kaleidoscopes been shaken. He says the pieces are in flux. I'll get that it's disorientating.

And one thing I don't have is the luxury of time. Having spoken to my doctor, it isn't hard to read between the lines. Get into QPC and the next two weeks or the walk to Dungeness will surely surel...

And promised myself I would develop a workout that would keep me in good shape forever and which I could pass on to others footnote.

And respectful manner.

And see no need to spend my training time as I know Dan does trying to develop PECS as big as tits. No, my own training will focus on stamina, not strength.

And shaggydog, it had to be my left. Didn't it ignore the film of the same name because my left foot is the real story here? Several years ago I pierced this foot on a spike whilst hurdling some ra...

And she nodded.

And silence.

And sure enough, a few minutes later she texts me 302 Elm, Dr. Pinner, Middlesex, Asterix X.

And that is exactly what happened, with the exception of the butterfly bit, which didn't. The closest North Norfolk digital has ever had to its own butterfly was a moth infestation above a ceiling ...

And that is she? Or isn't she footnote cremated storyline will run in the background of the series.

And that was merely the beginning. In 1991, the Radio Times had a big bash to celebrate the deregulation of TV listings, which meant that for the first time, the popular TELEMAC could publish listi...

And that's breakfast bar a brief incident that's not relevant to the journey, although if you must know, I spotted a waitress there fell in love with her utterly and love stayed in the cafe most of...

And the full sentence pray silence, for I will now walk in the footsteps of my father.

And the type Lycra shorts and matching white leather weight lifters gloves. The powerfully nosed twosome pushed themselves to the limits while one lifts the other spots. His partner in Latin tempte...

And then back on the road I hide my rucksack. Content in a hedge and send instructions to my assistant to come and collect them and then hand them to FedEx.

And then I begin to walk. I will walk to this just 15 miles away.

And then I had a brain wave scrolling through my mental rolodex. I came to a stop at the name of 1 Tony Cloak. Tony and I go way back and had been friends until as recently as the 8th of June 2013 ...

And then I see it.

And then sandwiches.

And there they were suggestively waggling truncheons both types in my face as I sat in my hired finery.

And this is where Partridge comes in. I bumped into Michael at the bar one night. He was collecting ashtrays, then trying to use the discarded butts to make a super fag, a composite of other people...

And though it would seem to go against the grain of the pairs dynamic as written, mother was certain that Watson was the dominant 1. Not that Holmes minded far from it naked save for his dear stalk...

And while I don't run through all of these details with the landlady over breakfast, I do suggest that since I've only had half a night's sleep, perhaps you'd like to charge me half a night's rate....

And while most monkeys die within 24 hours of entering the wild, that doesn't matter because I was only using this as a metaphor. So just relax and enjoy the liberation of intonation or intonation ...

And why not Partridge? He smiles, I smile and explain that yes for a while, honouring my father and making a television programme about it had been a flight of fancy. I'd indulged. And yes, I'd gon...

And with that, a thought suddenly erupted in my mind. Like one of those geezers that smells of Trump's footnote. It's at this moment that I realize I have actually trumped an unpleasant habit. I'm ...

And with that, he ran, darting this way and that as bullets zipped and fussed and tum tuned and patawad past him, each missing by millimetres at the most, rounding a corner, he saw sidekick Simon u...

And with that, it's time to head to arrivals Harvey's plane from Nice isn't due until 8:00 PM. But I want to be there for six because it's quite windy today and I know that can reduce flight times....

Another nasal exhalation, I feel like sliding a harmonica on the desk in front of him to see if he plays it remotely with his nose.

Another time he skittered into a gravelly car park which fired fragments of shale in the direction of my car. None of it hits. Thank God, but I was and am furious with him.

Anthrax

Anyway, it's now left to paranoid of Nigerian scammers and the money transfer industry in general.

Anyway, the day consists of me walking again and trying to convince my assistant to wire some money to me, which I would collect in a branch of Western Union. She hangs up on me several times, conv...

Anyway, this carries on for a while until I realise something Brian isn't breathing.

Are yelling continues until I answer the door to find her on her knees shouting through the letterbox like a gynecologist bellowing into a woman.

Around the diminutive bird Aholic has packed himself off in a Dorset bound cab that will cost him £200. I know he doesn't have.

Art fans, if any, should take a trip to Holcomb Hall where the Earl's collection of paintings attracts visitors from far and wide and high. Don't forget to check out the gift shop, where you can pr...

As Cheryl Crow once squawked a change would do you good, I think a change would do you good. Oh, I think a change would do you good and change can do you good, but only if managed correctly.

As chewed up bacon and egg coursed through my bloodstream. I feel my aches evaporate.

As for me, I need another plan. How will I get into QS PC?

As for the rest of them, that envious born out of simple self hatred to even attempt to walk of this scale, you need seriously big balls. Thankfully for me, I've got a pair of them, although it's f...

As I eat the last of my Asda ham, I watched the two men talk. Giles is as ever a class Act a raised eyebrow here a touch on the arm there a kindly nod while Backshore drones on betraying not a jot ...

As I head towards the district of Braintree, I began to muse on the word Braintree. You can imagine it can't you. A brain tree like an apple tree, except instead of apples, it bears human brains. I...

As I removed the canvas house from its bag, I realised that it's seriously large, at least a 6 Bertha Tony doesn't even have kids, so there's no reason for him to need a tent this size. It's all ab...

As I searched for a pen for my 50 pound white board, there's a sudden tap on my shoulder. I spin round swiveling on the ball of my foot to avoid putting any pressure on my still throbbing heel inju...

As I sit in front of the TV, angrily eating crisps, it comes to me. I will challenge her to her race.

As I stride along in boot bag and bread, I call my assistant to sound off. I tell her the news and she gives one of her noncommittal grunts and noise she produces when she knows she has to make a s...

As I strolled through the village of Azactam, pronounced aselton, I nod appreciatively at the Church of Saint Michael a stone and Flint structure. I've always loved Flint, that hard sedimentary cry...

As I turned to leave the roof space, I see an old cardboard box containing various papers, old photos and a length of tinsel.

As luck would have it, I'm able to hitch a leftover in a coracle. Truth be told, it's not a coracle at all. It's a small fishing boat. I've always wanted to go in a coracle and that's why I fibbed.

As my colleagues jostled to claim credit for my bravery, my position wasn't helped by the hastily scribbled publishing deals that gave Cash Inbox from Danny Sinclair three days in Norfolk, Jason Cr...

As my feet relax and bleed a little into the warm water, I strike up some chat, keen to learn more about this. Hopefully fascinating local character. 10 minutes later, I realized missus, Lancashire...

As one of the first county councils to allow library users to access the Internet for free, knowledge is in a constant state of download, letting in ideas and influences from all over the world, so...

As pot strokes from the building to the snarky of his former friends, I stood alone with a sense of unease, something about his expression said to me he wasn't going to take this lying down, I knew...

As soon as the lights dimmed, Edmonds stood up to go to the toilet, and no doubt fluff up his bouffant, which I thought was disrespectful to coarse leaders, Gary and Larry.

As the tuna and sweet corn filling explodes in my grateful mouth, I reflect on what has just happened in reality. Of course, no lives were at risk, and even if they had been, I could have done litt...

As they go on air, I'm delighted to see that the interviewer is Giles Brandreth. Now I love Giles. A lot of people think he's just a privileged posh boy, but I've researched him on Wikipedia and ot...

As to the charity I'm supporting, well, I've given it careful consideration. After all, ours is a nation not lacking in good causes. There's Help the Aged and barnardos and even charities for anima...

As to why so many of my former classmates are now on 0 hour contracts.

As we head to the ferry port to take the short crossing over to Gravesend, Bill gets a text on the bird phone. The mobile he keeps exclusively for alerts on rare bird sightings. Someone just spotte...

Asian Alan Sugar but is better at growing a beard.

At a sparsely attended funeral, his casket has been blessed and lowered into the ground. I'm invited to be the first to throw Earth into the grave. I crouched down and unsure of how much to put in ...

At first light 10:00 AM it's up and off and on my way.

At the guys house I add I walk on for a few seconds.

At the time I've been listening to Ebony and ivory a lot a lot, so I guess the racial harmony thing had something to do with that. Why I've been dreaming about Crown Green bowls, however, is less c...

At the very least, you should go see this Kennedy guy if he said he was interested in your walk, you should follow it up.

Back in 85 I was sent to cover Ian Botham's walk from Land's End to John O'Groats for Saxon radio alongside a phalanx of well wishers lining the route. I was there to cheer on and grab a quick inte...

Back in my loft at Denton Abbey, I digest the contents of the box hungrily, although I don't eat them, but it contains little more than jottings scribbled directions, a couple of letters, service s...

Basically it's very hard. I stagger into the home of God, the Church of Saint Andrew, in the village of Marx, Tay, and make my way to a Pew at the front. There's a service going on, but that's not ...

Because I'm not the one who's living a secret life, I shan't go back and undo it now.

Because it came from the barrel of a madman shotgun and it changed the way I look at everything.

Because little did my cackling colleagues realized how hard the news had hit Pat. You see, Pat was one of those deejays who thought he was entitled to a job for life. Perhaps he once worked at the ...

Besides which, I am on a journey in the footsteps of my father. A journey that will take me all the way to Dungeness, a nuclear power station. I'd be letting myself down. No, I'd be letting my fath...

Besides, in a matter of days, I knew my body would grow accustomed to the weight.

Better by far to do it where they feel. Safest their home order 60 Littlewoods catalogues to be delivered to the place where they live, where their partner lives, where their children live and you ...

Born in April 1926, he grew up in that somewhat thick era. After the Great War, when people were saying, well, we won't be doing that again, only to do it again quite soon afterwards.

Borrowed tent hug for the road, walked away.

Boss himself isn't looking too hot either. I can make out his image on the outside of the canvas and with my foot ballooning against one side of his smile. He looks for all the world like a man wit...

Breakfast arrives and I eat quickly and well polishing off the wet items. Beans, egg, tomato while my tea cools. Knowing that I'll then be able to wash down the tastier dry items. Bacon bread using...

Brian Brian Brian

Brian had been aware of my career from way back in the 90s when I was a sports presenter on the hard hitting news program. The day-to-day, he claims I once did an interview at a race track in which...

Brian still nothing.

But as I say, this one has lots of ideas, loads actually.

But as times gone on, I've realised that he simply won't learn if I indulge him, so I now respond to his weaker material by digging my fingernails into his arm, or by leaving a few seconds of dead ...

But at a level grade, you can actually handle. And while that may sound trivial, it's the kind of knowledge that can bestow a certain dignity on a man, even if he is a shadow of his former self.

But back to dawn morning she calls over as I breaststroke through the water. Yeah, whatever. I think back at her morning she says again. Yes, I heard you the first time I reply still inside my head...

But Brandreth knows me, we want rehearsed a panto together. Although my part Twinkies friend was subsequently cut before the opening night and he welcomes me warmly. I start chatting and tell Giles...

But by now Brian is on a roll God. I love him. He seems to think it could easily be formatted up into a six part series, in which I crisscrossed the country, recreating intensely personal journeys ...

But consider another type of radio program. Consider for the sake of argument my own slot midmorning people are busy in the mid morning. The high-powered executive isn't just listening to a radio s...

But despite the attraction of having a surname that sounds like a knitted garment worn by a grandma, Backshells audience can only take him so far. Marooned in the no man's land between bear grills ...

But either way, I can feel a huge sense of relief that the crowds are not here. For Alan Partridge, let me be clear, this walk is not about me and the very suggestion that I might have dreamed it a...

But even if you can't, I'm comforted to think that in his new job as shelf stacker at Asda Grady has at last found a role that if he's honest, is better suited to his skills and abilities. And with...

But even though I've only been back to the graveyard in Sheringham where he lies on one occasion since his funeral while interviewing an odd vicar for a high quality documentary, I still find that ...

But Greg wasn't listening to me, nor were any of the management team, and I raised the issue with them. And that's where I left it. And that eats me up. Maybe I should have done more, said more sho...

But hang on, I think still in my twine prison like a low tech piece of antigravity training. The timings don't add up, his purchases go on through not just the morning, but the whole day until the ...

But I have a problem on my hands. What value will my journey have if it isn't faithful to the key waypoints of my father's route?

But I knew that muggins here would suffer the fallout when she did realise she'd been conned. So I ended up emailing Godfrey, threatening to call the police and then with him off the scene, setting...

But I'm pretty sure one's named after a ride at Alton Towers.

But I've gone ahead anyway because I quote I'm just that kind of guy.

But if you are here now, you'd see me looking you in the eyes.

But is such a transformation even possible? Well, other than the fat back, that's dogged me, since the age of 40, I have a surprisingly toned body while proportioned and naturally hairless. It's a ...

But my colleagues don't have my kind of bravery and they know it. They're small people with small lives and small dreams. And even though a guy from accounts keeps telling me that he does triathlon...

But no, FPS didn't form part of the post siege narrative at all. Instead, my involvement was reduced to a footnote footnote like this.

But not tonight. Tonight I hung back leaning against a wall with my knee crooked so that the soul of one she was flat against the wall just below my bum it's a good stance and I was good at doing i...

But now I've been gifted an insight into my father's life. A second chance to get to know him.

But on other days, I imagine that he survived, and I wonder about his new exciting double life working as a croupier in a casino in New Orleans, perhaps, or maintaining a fleet of out of season Ped...

But Snuggles true ire is reserved for those BBC presenters using the cardiovascular equipment.

But soon it becomes clear that the noise is more than just car horns. People are winding down their windows, eager to learn more about my quest. What you up to Alan? Where are you headed Alan? Why ...

But still, this man is waving because he's homeless. I'm immediately scared. No thank you, I say.

But the box also contains various receipts for purchases of fuel and sandwiches back its ten sandwiches from various points along the route footnote. My father loved sandwiches and would always che...

But the nadir in our relationship came in a small room at the BBC. This was 1994 and as presenters of live shows him, the critically mauled Noels House party me the critically reviewed, knowing me,...

But the others were too busy to heed my misgivings. Oh, come on Alan, why aren't you said one? We're all, why aren't you said another? Why don't you s****** for a bit with us, said a third? Nah, I ...

But the truth, the truth is that I did sometimes go there to see Michael, and would only pretend I needed coffee, fuel, or chalk because I wanted to talk about. I don't know what happens if you put...

But think was the one I'd really thrown myself into, and the folly of that was now becoming apparent for Edmonds. This was like Christmas. Come early, I felt my rectum shrink back into me with emba...

But this guys was really stupid. He looked ridiculous. Anyway. He was only about 13 part of the Combined Cadet Force at the local school, so maybe he'll grow out of it.

But this made my father teak tough and any physical confrontation between me and him would always end in his favour, be it pinning me down, smacking my backside or just pushing me away when I becam...

But when he looks again, her face has gone and it's just a brick of charcoal or some black bread.

But when I got to the boardroom, the door was jammed so I couldn't get in. All I heard was them mumbling about Pat's Union activities and his foul mouth. I was desperate to make them see sense. Jus...

But you soon cheers up once I've settled in, she offers me tea and eventually agrees to draw me a foot bath using the washing up bowl that some people have in their kitchen sinks as a kind of plast...

But you'll be here in a minute. They reply again in annoying unison. I'd assumed they were identical twins, but one of them was black.

By 1:00 PM the weather system has put an end to my charitable endeavours as the heavens open and the rain sheets down. I can't help but wonder if the Environmental Brigade have found out what I'm u...

By day they're just six guys named Graham, Phil Graham, Martin, Andrew and Rick. Plus sometimes a woman called Caroline. By night they are will of the wisp for my money. The cultural highlight of t...

By now it's mid afternoon and I've reached the village of Swaines Thorpe. It's only pub. The inexplicably named sugar beet is sorely tempting me. A pint of bitter and a plate of crackers plays, but...

By now my assistant is phoning me repeatedly, so I thank them for their chats. Have a quick final glance at Bradbury, and then a quick final glance of baldini's hair and I'm off ready to pitch the ...

By now my shoes and socks are off. I've decided to roll up my trousers. I'm hopping from foot to foot like a madman.

By taking the piss out of us, you think we like having to wear suits while Ulot swan around in jeans? I don't swan Sarah. Don't say I swan when I don't. Yeah, I wear a Jean sometimes. I also wear a...

Can I help you a man in his 30s is Manning the shop. I tell him that I'm just reminiscing about my father who'd have come here 51 years ago on the 15th of September 1965 and would love to hear his ...

Carp

Change is one of the most powerful forces known to science. Be it small change like a Caterpillar, getting changed into a priceless to large change like a menopause in woman. Yep, change is hard to...

Chapter 10 and I am on my way.

Chapter 11 today is 2 day IE. Day two of my walk.

Chapter 12, Flint.

Chapter 13 digs in dis.

Chapter 14 Edmunds

Chapter 15 quite simply cows.

Chapter 16 a few words then on Norfolk.

Chapter 17 I'm only making plans for Lionel.

Chapter 18 county borders.

Chapter 19 river can and Alan can.

Chapter 2 what has driven me to walk?

Chapter 20 Tilbury and the blood of my heel.

Chapter 21 you don't have to be mad to work here, but Pat was.

Chapter 22 standing at the crossroads of my mind.

Chapter 23 The curious incident of the shoe in the night time.

Chapter 24 this chapter is quite short.

Chapter 25 a man called Michael.

Chapter 26 the Gatwick candidate.

Chapter 3 shirt back on now.

Chapter 4 be prepared.

Chapter 6 footsteps of my father.

Chapter 8 my root.

Chapter 9 the journey of 160 miles begins with a single footstep.

Chapter five more than my fair share.

Chapter one cold opening.

Chapter Seven walk Eve.

Charity said Sarah, we're putting it towards an espresso machine. I strode away and I'll be honest, that day has coloured my opinion of charity, but while I haven't given to charity since then, thi...

Chip off the old block me.

Come on, bear.

Conversely, I told my ex-wife Carol almost nothing while not at the start at the start I told her everything at the start, we were inseparable. I adored her and she completed me. But years later wh...

Costs and to cut a long story down a bit, he explained that doing this every day would cost me close to £900 over the course of the walk money I just don't have. Or rather I do have. It's just not ...

Cottage continued every inch of the gunman whisperer, and the gunman span round to face him.

Could it be that I've brought too much gear with me in my left hand? I have a full-sized tent bag complete with pegs and mallet in my writers, a map on my back is a rucksack containing clothes, foo...

Could professional disappointment have been what made him so bitter like it did with BT Sports race stops. I wriggle free from the twine. My fall broken by a carpet of foil backed polyurethane. See...

Could these be?

Coup brothel sex scandal. UFO hoax. I say listing the very British Channel 4 progs on the left hand. Then I raise my right menu, Bake Off railway journeys sewing bee.

Creates truly compelling copy.

Darkness has now fallen and I set about the business of becoming erect. Strictly speaking, it takes more than a single person to put up a tent of this scale, but I'm not going to let that stop me. ...

Dawn swims off down the pool without even responding. Ohh, this woman is a real piece of work.

Day eight, I awake, groggy with a mouth as dry as my assistants cake footnote, not a euphemism.

Day four and I'm strolling through Clayton, still able to taste last night's dinner of card and ham.

Day nine I passed through Stoke Newington and Crouch End. Too pleased with themselves. North London enclaves. Where in the words of Alan Titchmarsh you could slap a stranger and feel sure they dese...

Delighting children and adults alike.

Did someone say dress up Friday? I bellowed my heels clickety clacking as I strode or strode. I deliberately moved to the tiled kitchen area to achieve this effect. What I stopped flattering my fee...

Did they seem pleased? I was coming. It was just a PA, says my assistant. Her face so close to the windscreen her breath keeps fogging it up.

Ding Dong, I used to love doing that thing where you say knock, knock instead of actually doing a knock but now that other people have started copying me, I've been forced to innovate. These days I...

Distance runners tend to train at high altitude. The thinner air is harder to breathe, which irritates them, thus making them train harder. Many opt to base themselves in the Highlands of Kenya, wh...

Ditto on phone calls. Again, not been any, but would have said anything if they had.

Do you think broadcasters will be keen? I ask, why not? He smiles, why not? Yes, I can definitely see that.

Do you think I should turn up at the guy's house? This throws her. What about the walk? She asks? I sigh and explained to her very slowly. Very simply, in terms that hopefully she'll understand tha...

Doesn't matter, I say, and he hands me his bottle of Sherry here. Looks like you need it.

Don't believe me while that's up to you, Brian.

Dressed down Friday, Sarah again I know that Sarah there was an edge to my voice, which I regret. I'm having some fun with you.

Dumb, dumb, dumb dumb dumb dumb.

Each I raise my arms and wave the wave of a guy who lands planes and that too is met in kind. Yeah, I think you love this, don't ya? I do a little jog and pretend to play an imaginary cricket strok...

Early morning swimmer. A pensioner who calls herself dawn and indeed is called dawn.

Early start today so I pop into Pronto print and get fresh business cards printed. They're exactly the same as the old ones, but they have as seen on TV in a star in the top right corner. The star ...

Edmonds and his chopper had landed. I looked on as Carol Decker, the lead singer of Tapao hopped out and they ran into the hospitality tent together before the rotors had even stopped worrying. The...

Effectively, the human participant briefly becomes a boat.

Either way I done all of my remaining clothes and begin to walk on having fashioned a boot from plastic carrier bags lined with slices of bread that have been left in the park for the Ducks.

English teacher all they remember is that they were taught English, but with DJs it's different, rightly or wrongly, by which I mean wrongly, people feel they have a direct relationship with deejay...

Entering my room, I see that FedEx has delivered my rucksack. Oh good, I say, and she grumbles that she doesn't normally accept deliveries for guests pulling such a face about it. You think I've de...

Especially at a radio station, security is a skilled job. Each day, the guard has to field visits from pop stars, salesman, cold callers, angry listeners, and competition winners. The one thing he ...

Even though the shot wasn't fatal, Alan Partridge died that day, and a new Alan Partridge was born a wiser, cooler, Kinder Partridge, a Partridge I've become rather fond of.

Eventually reaching my own personal Camelot Dungeness a power station. The place my father never managed to get to. Once there it is to be assumed that I will crumple into a heap on the ground. My ...

Eventually, Michael came to regard me as a firm friend, and although his lack of qualifications made it impossible for me to reciprocate, I did become kind of fond of the guy.

Every last one that surely says something about the program and its creator, which is why it absolutely perplexes me that forward solutions hasn't had a paying client since 2009.

Every so often our schools will cancel a weekly step aerobics class and use their hall to host a visiting theatre production about issues or tribesmen.

Every step is like wading through. I don't know treacle.

Everyone give it up for Alan. From Norwich. I take the tracker bar out of my bum bag and begin to eat it. It's my snack and Darren bacon swivel. If he thinks he can tell me when I can and cannot ha...

Everyone had, but failing to formally offer thanks to an elected official of the Council, resplendent in his gown and chain? Well, that's just not Alan Partridge.

Everyone knows a Michael, but probably not this one. He was an ordinary guy, an average Joe, a normal Peter footnote. My phrase a standard Andrew.

Farewell old friend with your knockers footnote poetic abbreviation of binoculars and you're jerking of 1000 pockets, may the avian gods smile down on you on this day and all days.

Farrell was still a very, very dangerous man, consumed by grief for both the death of his wife and perhaps the failure of Ireland to unite and govern itself. He was like a bear with a sore head and...

Farrell was wild incoherent, his shouting a mixture of personal grievance and Irish republican dogma. Yet partied approached making a shushing sound and rolling up the sleeves of his leather jacket...

Fast forward to the party itself. The air crackled with chit chat and fizzed with fizz. Normally Partridge would be in his element. This was a man who was pretty much defined by small talk and had ...

Fast forward to the present day. Got there yet.

Fat back the lion I'd call him and he'd tell me to shut it. This will happen to you when you hit 40, he'd hiss, and sure enough, shortly before my 40th birthday, I began to mushroom at the middle. ...

Father struggled with my adolescence, although he shared a house and took the odd foreign holiday as a family. He was a man of his time, and boy was I a man of mine, brash, confident and every bit ...

Fiber Google.

Finding out that Backshall is due to arrive any minute I decide to leave Steve's a young fellow trying to make his way in broadcasting, and even though it's not something that particularly bothers ...

First up is Formula One commentator Martin Brundle, who's famous for being catty. When it comes to other people's careers, I pull up outside his house and beep the horn. O Martin, I sing song until...

FML they blow, they suck serious shit.

Footnote

Footnote

Footnote a bond developed that day, as we learned from each other and about each other. For example, we learned that the cleaner's name was chastity, and more surprisingly, she spoke English as her...

Footnote admittedly, this isn't relevant to the story, but I don't believe in flinching from the truth. However unnecessary or unpalatable it might be. Moreover, it contributes to the word count, a...

Footnote almost two at home. After toileting, I accidentally walk into her bedroom. She isn't in it. I hasten to add so I have a quick Snoop and find no male shoes, which suggests there's no Mr. La...

Footnote also mine.

Footnote and I also thought he was saying attic rather than Arctic. Like I say he was South African.

Footnote another consequence of U tree. The North Norfolk digital legal team recently advised that on air staff should refrain from using the phrase kid gloves in case people took it to be an inapp...

Footnote as well as treat daily about mouths, mouthwash, gums, fresh breath, and great taste of corsodyl and don't slag off corsodyl.

Footnote battered fish and a battered sausage from a chippy.

Footnote big jowls.

Footnote bleeding shed is merely a turn of phrase. Blood on toilet paper is a common sign of bowel cancer, and I check each sheet diligently aware that if there are dots of red, it's generally noth...

Footnote call me please.

Footnote conjecture

Footnote doubly insulting was the fact that he tracked down and hired hot pants the very dance troop I had erroneously invited onto my television chat show years earlier. Having not realised that t...

Footnote first up, our resolve not to tell her things in person back. It's not that I've seen her since, but if I had believe me, I would have told that which the square root of F all.

Footnote for the benefit of overseas readers or those under 30 Sam Fox. Full name. Samantha Fox was a topless model in the 80s, regularly posing for pages of The Sun newspaper. Widely regarded as t...

Footnote get a solicitor.

Footnote I forgot to say I took my clothes off because it was hot and it's there as I lay prone and chafing that it all falls into place.

Footnote I have to love them and will often join in.

Footnote I have very warm hands.

Footnote I won't dignify him with his full name, besides, he cites his emails and legal letters Edmunds, so he started it.

Footnote I'm afraid Tony's language can be quite fruity at times.

Footnote Internet message boards will light up as fans and viewers alike delight in the irony of Flint's being a fireman. Flint is used to start fires. This Flint puts them out apart from the one t...

Footnote Jeffrey Hayes from TVD Rainbow suffered from the same thing.

Footnote look it up, fascinating material.

Footnote never known why my feet, although blistered, are practically bleating for soccer.

Footnote of course, my assistant didn't use this phrase instead of online presence, she said worldwide Web page. Believe me, when it comes to the broadband age, she's very much dial-up with a free ...

Footnote paper

Footnote that's heavy metal CDs rather than heavy metal CDs.

Footnote the album Jazz is notable for the song Fat Bottomed Girls, which mocks the larger backside of Lady I once bumped into. Brian met Jodrell Bank and pointed out that women were meant to have ...

Footnote the Great British Bake Off, but not this lot. This lot are amazing. I feel like I want to give them something to say thanks. A memento of some kind. I once saw a tennis player throw his sw...

Footnote the pants weren't dirty. They were unwashed. Big difference sweetheart.

Footnote thinking about it, I might replace him with Christine Bleakley. I like her tone down the accent a bit, and she could really become something.

Footnote this baffled my assistant for a long, long, long time, but to men like me and James May, who can rattle off potential private Reg plates using numbers instead of letters. This is perfectly...

Footnote this is all conjecture or guesswork. We never spoke about his family, and I've never been able to find the time to look into it.

Footnote to be clear, this was not a reference to William Gabbitas, the son of my late friend, although he is referred to as Billy Bighead in and around Norwich. In his case, it's because he has an...

Footnote with some exceptions.

Footnote with the emphasis on constructive if your lounge stinks of cat, you need to febreeze it. The lounge, not the cat, although either would work.

Footnote yes it is. I checked the label ingredients, eggs water way.

Footnote, although it ended at 2:00 PM regardless.

Footnote, in their view, the new and lasting bond required to activate the final tranche of the fee was vague and unenforceable. Oh yeah, I said enforce this and I stuck up my middle finger, moment...

For a real treat, forget everything you know about folk music and get your backsides down to Boxley Wheat chief on the 2nd and 4th Sundays of every month.

For athletes enjoying a day off, there's also the chance to head out on Safari where with a fair wind and an experienced guide they might just come across the unforgettable sight of a rhino before ...

For authors such as myself, it can be a real boon, allowing us to make up anything we want and never be challenged on it.

For breakfast, well, it's all about protein in the car. I have two hard boiled eggs washed down with A1 litre protein shake, which I think might also be made from eggs.

For his own sake, like I say, it doesn't affect me. Either way. I really hope that one day he can summon up the balls to admit to himself that his business actually failed because of his own haught...

For that, even Holmes gave me that one. Love you aim.

For those interested in getting involved meetings take place every Friday morning in the Starbucks on Saint Stephens Street.

For those of you who don't know him and I have to admit I'm not massively familiar with the guy myself, Steve Backshall is a TV presenter who makes animal programs for kids. His USP is that he film...

Founded in 2011, the Alvin Weinberg Foundation is the world's first pro nuclear charity, with an ongoing mission to support the safe and sustainable use of nuclear energy. The foundation runs numer...

Foxhall I know she snaps but as she speaks my assistant is tossing her abiz card and we're out of there.

Friday is day seven and something of a red letter day. As I reached the banks but not the building societies of the River Thames at Tilbury. It's a major milestone in my journey and I celebrate in ...

Frontmount come with me.

Get rid of that banner now I look down again. Are good clothes and I stand up ready to hurl a memento into the crowd.

Get sitting here next to this sage old tramp. I feel there's something mystical going on. I almost want to say ethereal, but I have to check its exact definition first here I am, or here I be in pi...

Get to the brow of that hill in 4 minutes or Norfolk is destroyed by an insane billionaire who's ready to detonate a subterranean munitions dump hidden beneath the county and blow the landmass sky ...

Getting about by AG Partridge. Aged 19.

Give up.

God, this guy's good. I take another swig of Sherry God. This shell is good. It's like Sherry trifle but without the trifle he's right. I do have a purpose.

Good.

Grind his confidence to dust. That's why every couple of months or so I pull out the carrot of more airtime and dangle it in front of his, not inconsiderable nose. I've got a hell of a lot of time ...

Harvey

Harvey Kennedy says the man shaking my hand funny. I did a little bit on railway journeys more than a little bit. Scoffs, balding her hair becoming fuller and more lustrous every time I look at it.

Harvey mate

Harvey, I say when I speak to him just calling to see if we've got that Commission, are you well indeed? I punched the air. Then something occurs to me. Are you answering the first question or the ...

Has his wife burned to death or has she escaped the ferocity of the fire he stepped through meant there was no way of knowing of her remains were among the charred ruins.

Has successor, probably will.

Having saved so many souls, I am overcome with a full body euphoria and I realize I am celebrating jumping up and down arms aloft like Rambo on the steps of Philadelphia Town hall.

He also happens to be filling in for me on mid morning matters. Yes, there's every possibility these crowds are his doing brackets. Dave, you're a good man. Whatever people say, you're a good good ...

He awoke to find her side of the bedroom, just smoldering ash.

He became a hard man to be around and you remember in My Autobiography I wrote some hard hitting things about him that worked well in the tough upbringing section.

He can't have been gone for more than a minute, but in that minute hell had been deployed. Farrell was in the building brandishing a shotgun. Shots had been fired. Partridge had two choices flee or...

He failed to do this, and at 16 he got talking to a couple of officers. Manning had joined the army stand at a car exhibition at the NEC.

He first appears in a minor role in episode three of Swallow, yet to be scripted, wiping soot from the cheek of a crying woman after Swallow has busted a jewelry smelting racket sky high and that m...

He looked around as if puzzled by my response, but I guess lesser guys would have panicked instead. I was centering myself stepping slowly away from the box and breathing in loudly and powerfully t...

He saw out his days in the job he'd held for years at a dealership for Massey Ferguson, a US manufacturer of tractors and farming machinery, all of which were powered by diesel rather than controll...

He says they don't. I asked the man at the gate if they do tours for VIPs who keep out of everyone's way and promise not to be a nuisance. He says they don't. It's fun to stand over the road and wa...

He shakes his head. No, not Janet Jean. I mean Judith, I'm just saying random names now. Although weirdly, it turns out that there are three judiths working there. I've never even met 2 judiths, le...

He stops and takes off his glasses to give his eyes a rub and enjoy a long, long nasal exhalation. Yes, doc. The thing is Alan, he closes his eyes to consider how to word his answer. And yeah, why ...

He turns to face me, and for one terrifying moment I think he's going to kiss me instead, just as I'm about to slap him, he leans across and envelops me in a great big hug. I exhale loudly. I neede...

He used to say if you die owing money, you've beaten the system, and when you think of that, you get a measure of the man.

He was an exceptionally low achiever which I know isn't the be all and end all. But it's certainly the be most and end most.

He went inside to be with the woman he was falling for a receptionist by the name of Angela, which is Latin or Spanish for Angel.

He works for Norfolk Fire service and although he's just a regular firefighter, he takes it upon himself to investigate arson and electrical fires, and tracked down hoax 999 callers.

He'll also see her Auburn hair and crowds, but when he chases her and spins around, she's just another similarly haired woman or man, or a red setter dog.

Hello.

Here, an eager young Michael found work glad to be back in a role where he was told what to do and got to wear a uniform each morning, albeit a pastel Paisley waistcoat and cheap polyester trousers...

Hey, my assistant's name I said to her you are not a Sherpa. You couldn't Sherpa if your life depended on it. Besides, you should have heard the noises she made trying to carry my microwave ovens u...

Hi Alan, says Julia's silence, but I'm happy to fill the silence. Always have been two very distinct ethos. I continue.

Hi, it's Alan great to see you. I shout from across the road but they don't hear me over the traffic that clogs up every Rd in the city. People always tell you the streets are paved with gold in Lo...

His eyes fixed on the terrified intern. He's instructed to watch him. I snap out of it. That's the thing with imagining you can't always choose where it leads.

His thick black hair, like a mane around his larger than average head. Plus he had a bad temper which lions are famous for.

Historically, my technique of choice was the backstroke. It's a tricky 1 to master because you can't really see where you're going, but as a young man I always had more than enough spatial awarenes...

Hmm.

How so says balding? Whose surname up close is revealed to be a total misnomer. Her hair is in wonderful thick condition.

How was that for you? You may be surprised at your reaction. Most likely, your initial skepticism will have given way to a sense of awe as the true possibilities of the English language unfurl befo...

Humility is my watchword and I'm one of the humblest broadcasters. You'll find, of course, as a well known broadcaster, people expect my life to be all lunch with Ranson, dinner and drinks with Dim...

I adopted the style for good reason. Research shows that a lot of my listeners went to polytechnics, which means listening for long periods of time can be incredibly challenging for them. I switche...

I always thank the mayor and save this one unfortunate oversight. I hope to always thank the mayor.

I am cellar taping maps, letters, receipts and diary pages to the slanting walls of the loft. Then I'm fixing pieces of garden twine to connect the relevant items together. I'm piercing together th...

I am making good time at even better headway. The rhythm of footsteps drives me on. It's like the big drum of a Viking longboat or just some cocks on boat race day. Dumb chink, dumb chink, dumb chink.

I am sitting in front of the box in my loft. What could it contain?

I am the World Wide Web into a men's room mirror. Before presenting the Today programme each morn, no it isn't. My mantra is simple, nothing formal, nothing fussy. I simply look up to the sky and s...

I am transported back in time, spinning through space in front of a backdrop of calendars, alarm clocks and newspaper cuttings. Or I would if this were a movie.

I ask again, does she think I should turn up at the guy's house and after an interminable period of her muttering and trying not to be drawn, I decided that one of her grunts if sounds enough like ...

I asked her she knows who I am and go on to explain the overarching concept of my radio show run through some of my TV work and perform some of the radio adverts she may have heard me in.

I begin at my childhood home 12 Cecil Rd, Norwich. Located now as then at postal code NR1 2QL. From here my journey will take me due South or South to the last knockings of Norwich into the resplen...

I begin to think about the kinds of things the two of them must have got up to in it for a while. It's immensely enjoyable, but when I imagine Tony rolling over and catch a glimpse of him front on,...

I bound from the car noticing she's with short haired presenter Clare Balding and a well oiled gentleman. All three are in high spirits.

I came along 10 years after the war had ended, and what I do know is that he was a strong and fierce man, just like the lion that makes up the first portion of his first name brackets, Lionel. Yet ...

I can only assume his parents neglected him as a child and he's now stuck in an endless cycle of trying to win people's approval. Either that or he's just so simple he genuinely doesn't know when h...

I can see thinking about it. There's no real benefit to sending him coded messages.

I can't pretend the cut hasn't slowed me down. Setting off at oh 900 hours. I had hoped to complete this cool 70 Miller in around 8 hours, but when I arrive it's probably closer to 2000 hours. As i...

I can't vouch for her cleanness and I make myself at home.

I carry on.

I chirp the denim girls in unison. That's literally what they said. But then this is Essex and I'm aware they might not have had the benefit of a formal education. I smile and respond in a friendly...

I clamber over a low fence and onto a Bowling Green. I've always had a soft spot for these places. I went through a period in the 80s of having Crown green bowls related daydreams. I'd imagine myse...

I clamber up the loft bladder and grab my torch from just inside the Hatch, like a detective inspecting a murder scene, I popped the torch in my mouth, leaving my hands free for detecting and inspe...

I curse myself for drinking fortified wine who fortifies wine? It's one of the few drinks that requires no fortification. It already comes fortified.

I detect and inspect the roof space, quickly concluding that no, my roof isn't insulated. The One Show had asked viewers to get in touch with their thoughts on home insulation. So even though the p...

I didn't think anyone would be interested. Are you kidding me? Still managing to sound wise through a mouthful of mashed Jaffa.

I do admit to feeling a slight twinge of guilt, but that's only because some of the money might have been donated because people assumed Alvin was a little boy with leukemia.

I do not have bowel cancer or hemorrhoids.

I do track down the organisers and give them my number as the senior broadcaster. I'd be happy for Steve to call if he needs any advice on how to handle the media, how to grow his brand, or indeed ...

I don't hate Edmunds. I don't give a shit about Edmunds. I hate the things he does. Sure, I hate the way he behaves. I hate his personality and his appearance but hate Edmonds himself. No Sir would...

I don't have any sweatbands so I rummage around in my rucksack and find a few things I can throw as I ransack the rucksack, I see a banner held aloft by two housewives wearing a lot of denim. It cl...

I don't have time for this, and so I push on leaking gouts of blood every time I put weight on the foot. It doesn't hurt, it just feels horrid as my bag shoe gets spattered with blood, like a consu...

I don't remember if I mentioned I'd be raising money for the needy, but I am. It's something I had in mind long before yesterday's running with the Sport Relief mob. It just so happens that my weir...

I enjoy imagining that I'm walking at the self same velocity at which my father might have driven.

I enjoy the sensation enormously. The first backside, scratch of the day is always a treat, although I really should get it looked at and eyes closed. I mumble out loud. Scratching is fantastic.

I enjoy this expression. The seriousness of the frown percolates down into my body, and I feel more Dimbleby than ever.

I estimate that it will take me somewhere between 12 and 15 minutes to unpack the bag and retrieve the tent, and there's no way that's going to happen. I'm just not that kind of guy.

I failed to see what else could have caused them positioned as they were in a dry box in a dry loft.

I feel something rise up inside me like a phoenix, but a scaled down one that fits into a tummy. It's as if the parallel I saw in that contused slack smile had some meaning.

I felt quite angry at Gary for putting me in that position and we didn't speak after that.

I figure the more dirt I put in, the more helpful I've been, and I'm about to sweep in a second man when I look up my shirt. Steve Stains jet brown by khaki soil, and I realized this isn't the damn...

I fix my gaze on the horizon or just past it, lean into the wind and begin to stride towards it. Desperate to get there in 6 minutes to prevent the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge from being simultan...

I froze.

I get back onto the ferry in next to no time. I'll be back in Tilbury so I use the journey to bandage my foot. In the men's lavatory with the age-old method of wrapping toilet paper round and round...

I get to watch them anyway by imagining the stories and playing them out in my mind, it's itvs viewers and potentially big spending advertisers who will miss out. They can make do with Doc Martin f...

I get up with a grumble and a sniff. I make my way to the loft, aware that I won't achieve sleep that I've assessed the loft insulation myself.

I have a lot of time for psychologists, but this transparent mumbo jumbo does them no favours and sets their profession back 50 years or more behavioural loop. I ask you as I've said, I was merely ...

I have breakfasted well on porridge and eggs not in the same bowl, so I know with some time before I need to turn to one of my small sugary assistants, and so it proves my mouth not triggering the ...

I have lived in East Anglia for over half a century and I have never, never been made aware of, witnessed or been involved in so much as a single act of human inbreeding. When it comes to allowing ...

I have my assistant called his office the next morning, but he's not in. Perhaps he's pitching the idea to Commissioners. I don't know. I can always call back. It's fine.

I have no issue with those who wish to rise at 4:00 AM. What I do have an issue with is when those people or in this case that Blackbird, proceed to spend the next 4 hours hollering from the top of...

I have to say that Godfrey emails were a wonderfully sustained and at times touching collection of dramatic writing that I unwisely printed out and kept and that my assistant stumbled on one day af...

I haven't looked inside because I find photographs of other people boring and receive enough mail on my own without waiting through someone elses.

I hesitated instantly and effortlessly, aware that the spores of the bacterium baculus anthracis were used by bioterrorists in an increasingly common form of male attack. Pardon, I said, can you re...

I imagine him pairing at the miniature shoe ropes, his tongue lolling from his stupid mouth, before shrugging and walking away.

I jog over and thrust my hand towards Steve, calmly ignoring the producer's frantic gestures, telling me to keep back. Alan Partridge. I don't believe we've had the pleasure. I put the emphasis on ...

I jog over the road and say hi, it's Alan. Great to see you, but they're deep in conversation.

I just watched them. It was an open secret that Reed was a bit of a Wally. This was before he outed himself as one by writing a reggae song for far right political parties. And of course, Edmunds w...

I knew my onions don't forget I'd created forward solutions, a unique business training program endorsed by none other than Chip Keeble footnote who is American?

I know because I remember.

I know I do, although with me it's more of an involuntary hum.

I know there'll be a few idiots who suggest that I'm using charities to boost my profile like a long list of other celebrity do gooders or did gooders not least backshall, but like a fully function...

I launched into the song, but still hadn't remembered the note sequence and ended up repeating the opening line again and again in the hope of landing on the correct melody by the 20th attempt, a c...

I learned that my father's knee and it's funny what rubs off on you like him. I instinctively stationed an arm behind the passenger side headrest. When I'm reversing in the car like him, I don't li...

I like people with ambition and wanting more airtime as a fine goal for him to have. Interestingly, though, I'm only saying this because I care about him, it might actually be more helpful to Simon...

I like the term business park, the word park suggesting just the kind of freedom and fun you genuinely can have in a well run business with a clear hierarchy, a lot of trendy tech companies have ta...

I locate my digs for the night. It's a B&B on Denmark Hill. I knock at the door with a rat, a tat tat actually just a rat, a tat thinking about it. A voice is heard through the door. Yes, straight ...

I look ahead to the brow of the next hill and the sunlight lasers into my eyes. I allow them both to squint the Bony caves of my eye sockets, narrowing a little as if they're each trying to grip an...

I looked at him scarcely able to believe what he was suggesting, but he continued in more emphatic tones.

I looked down at the box. I gulped loudly and like that.

I looked down for the hilltop at Norfolk, silently weeping for the lives that were so close to being snuffed from us.

I looked heavenwards until I realised something. It must have been stolen by Brian.

I looked into the toilets where I find a colleague don't know his first name. Rogers filling the kettle from the washbasin, he insists it tastes better than the tap in the kitchenette, which someti...

I looked round for the rest of the rucksack.

I mean it is that, but it's also something else. It's not often. One gets a platform like this, and while Backshore may be standing there like a pudding, I've seen the opportunity to tell people ab...

I mean, what the hell am I doing here? Trudging the historic route of my four father for what?

I mean, why had he only taken one boat for crying out loud, spite, forgetfulness? Perhaps he was startled and fled. I sometimes bark half formed words in my sleep, such as hard or stubborn.

I move the conversation onto other matters that do concern her filing, replacing squeaky office chair, sacking cleaner and hang up.

I myself have been swimming since early childhood and whilst I wouldn't describe myself as a water baby, the word baby suggests weakness. I've certainly had a life rich in aquatic activity. True, I...

I never got round to developing that workout. I got distracted trying to get a tow bar fitted to my car for under £150.00 and forgot all about the day in Celine's bedroom. If you do want to get in ...

I open it gingerly. Usually I avoid opening boxes I don't recognise ever since the time looking for printer paper. When I found what I thought was a brown paper bag of Humbugs, only to discover the...

I open my hands as if to say and there you have it silently mouthing the words by accident and wincing at myself for doing so.

I ordered the double mega and then still a king. I retreat to the table to lick my wounds, not literally and apply deep heat literally.

I paused for breath and crisps near Reigate and think of my father driving through this commuter town and appreciating the Boxiness of Reigate Old Town hall, a building of back to basics, right ang...

I plunked myself down next to him, though obviously not right next to him. Well, you know Steve Backshall. I begin no.

I pull back the flaps relieved to find neither dusty Wasps nor anthrax, and see, Oh my God, I don't believe it. The box, the handle of which resembles the smile of my father. Remember, contains bit...

I put on my headphones, crank my iPhone up to full blast and nod approvingly.

I put the phone away, do a 180 point myself in the direction of Penna. And walk making surprisingly good time as my feet, pound, tarmac and white bread respectively.

I realized then that I've forgotten my electric toothbrush. I omit a yell that can be heard from as far afield as a far field. I hate forgetting. My electric toothbrush. Sure, I can go to boots and...

I remade the observation but minus any mushrooms. As a result people didn't really understand what I was trying to do and I lost confidence in the routine.

I remember in 1982 seeing a performance by the ants, it was supposed to be Adam and the ants, but Adam was stuck in traffic as they belted out an instrumental version of stand and deliver. I rememb...

I respect the opinion, I just don't agree with it. In the words of a Geordie man, I once knew worse things happen at sea, which in his case turned out to be chillingly accurate.

I returned to the studio and rushed through the rest of my show.

I said careful that contains anthrax.

I said I wasn't asking you anything. There was no question to say no to. So why are you waving? He shrugs all the lonely people. Where do they all come from?

I shook it in the hope of dislodging some cash, but nothing came right. One of you is opening this. You've got 10 seconds.

I should say at this point that I've decided to start referring to the travel agent by his name. My concern is that overusing the word he is going to have a detrimental effect on my prose style and...

I slide back into the pool creating barely a ripple footnote of all the disciplines involved in swimming. I am perhaps most adept at the getting in.

I smile.

I snapped myself out of it to notice I'm approaching Braintree.

I somehow managed to calm Farrell down and gain his trust and then put him at ease by broadcasting with him. Later people would say my decision to broadcast was crass and opportunistic. I simply sa...

I sometimes have a bit of a downer on the general public. They can be thick and uncultured.

I sometimes picture his body all bloated and barnacled, his eyes staring and tried to imagine where he is bobbing around. The opening of the Marine outfall pipe off the coast of Hull, say, or wedge...

I sometimes worry that growing older has mellowed my hatred of things and with it my passion, my sharpness. But then a youth TV presenter says could of instead of could have. And there I am throwin...

I spent last night in the Oakmoor guesthouse in Braintree where for 89 pounds I got bed breakfast and a wake up call. I hadn't asked for.

I spy Brian on the grass a few yards away, curled up. I grunt. Brian Brian nothing Brian Brian Brian still nothing. Brian Brian.

I stand by and assess my handiwork. Struggling to see what it could all mean, but then I take a further step back, forgetting the roof space is now a lattice of twine. A cat schradle stretching fro...

I start to see dribs and drabs of people standing by the side of the road. Four women on the left are drab. 2 teens on the right are drab.

I suggested many times that his grumpiness could be a very very very mild form of post traumatic stress disorder and that maybe he'd seen something awful like a fellow soldier get captured by drunk...

I support a mineral water and lurk around my eyes, literally peeled for a certain someone, and then I spot my prey paydirt. I zoom across the room on fast legs and extend my hand. Harvey it's Harve...

I take off Wheeling around the carpark like a spooked horse on its period. What a horrible image, unaware that it's only a small cut. My first thoughts turned to crisis management. I scream at the ...

I tell him about the footsteps of my father walk and how excited people have got when I told them about it. It's a walk. I tell him, dripping with emotional and historical significance, which takes...

I think I hear him say the words I've hit the fucking jackpot here, and when he leans away from the bin, he's holding a pack of Jaffa cakes. They're past their best before date and the chocolates g...

I try to power through, but I'm being naive. Alan, you're being naive. I say out loud. I'm so exhausted it just comes out as I have been a accompanied by some dribble.

I turned to my assistant. I thought this was meant to be a one-on-one meeting. This is an open day. I'll have to check the letter. Check your eyes woman. It's an open day. It's clearly an open day.

I used to go out with the girl who stammered and this film reminded me of her. Maybe think I should have handled our relationship differently like the speech therapist in the film? My approach was ...

I wait eagerly for a few seconds keen to gain an insight into what this journey must have been like for my father all those years ago. But when Dad emerges followed by his son, he's holding a round...

I wake with a grunt in my sleep I have unfurled and my arms and legs are straining against the walls of the child's tent. So an outsider I must look like an alien fetus about to emerge from its bir...

I walk in and mooch around soaking up the history of it all. A wistful smile playing on my dry lips. I'll buy a can of lilt as well. I find a refrigerator display containing milk, cheese and sandwi...

I walk up the driveway of 302. I knock a woman answers. Hello, I was wondering if Harvey was around I'm a friend.

I was back in.

I was convinced it would turn North Norfolk digital into a viable, robust and agile 21st century business. Unfortunately, the powers that be felt that they knew best and declined my offer.

I wasn't asking you anything, pardon.

I watch all of this Spearing from his mouth like the suds from a cartoon washing machine gone haywire. He is so pleased with himself you'd think no one else was doing a walk while they are me.

I watched as he tugged at it greedily. The paper, along its length, discoloured by lipstick and other men, spittle, and we started to chat me about work. Carol, my cars him about wanting to push hi...

I watched The King's Speech on television and descend slowly into the dream state, IE go to sleep.

I went my way down the Norwich Rd. It's a narrow Rd for a town of this size and the speed of the traffic is slow.

I'd have concerns about the strategic direction of North Norfolk digital for some time. The 10:00 AM to 2:00 PM. Weekday slots seem to be the only segment of the station's output that wasn't either...

I'd never go there just to see Michael. I'd tell people that would be pathetic. No, I only ever go in there for coffee, fuel and chalk. And then I might stay there chatting for a while. But that's ...

I'll leave with a flea in my ear. I don't mind saying still, I think as I jog off down the Norwich Rd. Good to paint a bit of colour on this sepia tinted journey of yesteryear.

I'll simply repeat and continue. Some sports scientists believe this kind of short term jam dosing is bad for your health. Then again, sports scientists say a lot of things. It doesn't make them ri...

I'm a Denton Abbey. My nodded home. Denton Abbey is massive and brilliant. It's the kind of house you drive past and say shit who lives there? Well, I'm delighted to say the shit who lives there is...

I'm a little thrown by this vagrant, he seems so normal.

I'm astonishingly grumpy. What is wrong with me?

I'm Brian, by the way. Hello Brian, I'm Alan Partridge. Well, I almost spit out my Sherry. I had no idea I had a following in the homeless community. I'm angry at myself for being so judgmental jus...

I'm deeply touched.

I'm fortunate that my chest is practically concave moobs ain't no problem to me, just as I say this unsightly fat back.

I'm handed a box of his personal articles and put them in the car boot and there they remain until I pair younger fitter man to pop them in my loft and there they remain until now.

I'm heading out for a minute if I'm not back by the time the song finishes. Would you mind filling in?

I'm looking at a familiar layer. It's the same layer I'd seen in the hand hold of the cardboard box, and now I think of it the same layer my father used to do.

I'm not doing it for Sport Relief. I say really, rooting in the depths of my sack, so you might want to remove the batter.

I'm reliably informed that snow and Fogle or Snowgel are only a constant presence in the BBC gym and that no one gets into the free weights area without their say so.

I'm skulking there. A bar and a media haunt called the hospital Club in central London. It's the wrap party for series 38 of watchdog, the BBC consumer rights show, which I still think should have ...

I'm speculating again, but could it be that it was my father's given name that hardened him?

I'm surprised at how much blood a heel contains. Then again, if blood is going to gather anywhere, it stands to reason it should be in the feet.

I'm taken back by how much better I feel and make a mental note to set-up a core with the head of British Athletics.

I'm talking about walking because this book is about walking.

I'm tired and irritated. What is wrong with me? I pry the torch from my now sore lips, switch it off, then climb down the loft ladder, jumping the last two steps as I always do. So I looked like Ne...

I've arrived at this. My feet and legs hurt, but the mental battle is won. Road 0 Partridge One and part it goes through to the next round. Partridge Partridge Partridge he's our man. If he can't d...

I've heard a girl there. The Bradford and Bingley Hum and Fern and roar. I mutter quickly. Pardon, I repeat, the above can't be bothered to actually repeat it.

I've judged my father too harshly.

I've managed to blag the plus one of BBC Breakfast Bill Turnbull. His wife isn't happy about being bumped. She had done her hair and everything but Bill knows he owes me one after I agreed to provi...

I've now completed a third of my journey and my legs are stronger and bulkier than ever before, especially the left one.

I've taken Sue Cook as my plus one, since Carol had unilaterally ended our marriage and I felt I could use this as leverage to get close to sue. But as my routine ended, she was just staring at me ...

If Newton Flotman is anything like knowledge, I know I'm not going to get that level of cookie here.

If theatre turns you on swing by one of the richest theatres for big budget touring productions of a play or for women, a musical.

If this was give us a clue, almost all of it would have to be cut, as I believe a lot of Lionel Blair's stuff was in the later years when he became increasingly blue.

If you get your kicks from tapping your feet to the tuba or timpani, then set sail for Norfolk at your earliest opportunity because we are ace at orchestras. The Norfolk fill is what we call the No...

If you're not familiar with the geography of the Southeast, imagine that London is a scowling face. I'm currently near the right jowl as we look at it. I guess Penner will be up past the left eyebr...

If you're on a bus or a train, it's important that you still take part in this. I've taken the time to create the demonstration, so if you don't participate, you're disrespecting me and you have no...

If your vans off the road, the only thing you're driving is your business into a wall. So call Vantastic and save yourself some proper bother.

Imagine the withering acerbic put downs of Rupert Everett, directed at an 11 year old boy who's just trying to learn to ride a bike, and you'll have a sense of the man's entertaining nature.

In my experience, people who laugh at perfectly reasonable questions, inquiries about daily return flights from Norwich to Addis Ababa or otherwise tend to be deeply insecure. My hunch is that as a...

In the days leading up to the walk, I have my assistant call Harvey's office on a daily basis. It doesn't bother me either way. If this has turned into a television programme or not, I'd just like ...

In the end, she drives into London so we can rendezvous at Stratford, where she winds down the window and holds a hold all of cash at me without stopping for reasons best known to herself.

In the event Michael was posted to a few places and probably saw some action, it could be hard to tell for sure, because ex servicemen always insist they saw action, either because of post traumati...

Including be the best fire warden, how leaders lead and how losers lose. Identifying the cancer that is low workforce morale and tell me about Debenhams.

Indeed, I hope that before long our collective donations will do so much for the needy that the exchequer can do away with income tax. The mandatory charitable donation that everyone seems to be fi...

Indeed, I'm sure that the Messiah would have had something to say about the older lads. Still Christians remember loading up sponges with hot coffee and wanging them full pelt at my frightened face.

Indeed, Mother was left in little doubt that the reason Holmes seemed to lack compassion as he stood over the body of the story's latest murder victim was because he was too busy salivating at the ...

Is it me or is there a feeling of anticipation in the air? The man walking a dog, the boy riding a bike, the lady driving a tractor? I genuinely did see this. Do they seem somehow expectant?

Is one of profound sadness.

It is gone and I only bought it a week ago. I cursed the gods until I realised something. I'm only wearing one boot.

It is they who spread rumours about us, not least, and let's confront this head on because it's the elephant in the room in breeding.

It isn't even a problem that I'm in the shallow end and I'm only a few inches below the surface. I just tuck my knees into my chest and go into the mushroom position until I'm sure she's gone. But ...

It makes me laugh ha footnote see.

It may be relevant to add at this point that I was becoming peckish and had a tracker bar in my bum's bag or bum bag.

It may have appeared that I was burying my soul and that I had to keep starting again because the tears were smudging the ink, but in fact I wasn't that bothered about winning her back. I was only ...

It may very well be that I cast him into a sulk when I said seagulls were the jackals of the sky. I don't even know what I meant by it, but I saw his cheek Twitch and I think it was the last thing ...

It promises to be a mesmerizing piece of infotainment and I can't help but s****** at how I'm about to totally own Steve Backshall. So we heard all about Steve's walk. I'm Myra, large yawning gestu...

It puts a romantic kibosh on the simmering romance between Flint and his now divorced area commander, a former school friend. He hesitates to call an old flame out of respect for the flames that ma...

It seems I was removed from the list after that.

It seems to look back at me. The perforated hand hold leering like a mouth. I recognise that Leer but where from?

It simply defies all reason.

It was a seismic and hugely emotional event. Several of the staff were in tears and I believed it called for a little decorum, not Edmonds. I was there with Cowell. He kept bringing her glasses of ...

It was different with letters because obviously I'd be sending those pretty regularly to beg that she came back to me in truth. Of course, the joke was actually on her.

It was only now that part had realised what a huge man Farrell was broad of shoulder and with that muscular backside you get on some man. He was, according to one witness statement, a strong man wi...

It was the last time he was seen alive.

It would have been around April or May 2011. I think it was female anyway. The gist of it was do lots of sit-ups.

It's a pity I hadn't told him this, but such was our connection last night. I'd intended to gift Brian a few £1000 and find him work in television.

It's a ritual that never fails to move me, and while both I and my publisher are wary of my overstating things, I can't ignore the fact that there was a genuine majesty to the way I perform it. If ...

It's a shame a company called Gordale Media didn't consider any of this when they rode into town back in 2013.

It's a shame, I say I don't have his address and I have no means of getting it, knowing full well that the slighting of her abilities as an executive assistant is one of the best ways to motivate her.

It's a Sunday and my options are limited to greasy spoon cafes. The kind of places that don't open until 9:00 AM and harp on about their all day breakfast. Yeah, all day unless you want it for brea...

It's about honoring Dad. I can't emphasize that enough.

It's absolutely idiotic. Another reason to despise farmers. I stopped myself no more questions. Alan. Just focus on the sheep and although this relaxes me for a while, I begin to fixate on the flee...

It's an activity that has been part of our lives for so long. We take it for granted. Our walk can be as humdrum as strolling from the ladder to grab a plate of eggs or popping from your desk to a ...

It's an unexpected invitation for a presenter pushing 60 sure, but U tree has been a night of the long knives for broadcasters of a certain age and has left a hole in the roster of graying presente...

It's been suggested by some that I was unconsciously repeating the actions I've taken at my father's funeral and this was classic behaviour of someone who had failed to deal with past emotional tra...

It's funny that she's called Sue Cook when she can't cook, but she will sue.

It's later that morning and I'm 10 minutes into my daily radio show mid morning matters footnote for the uninitiated. Mid morning matters is like Andrew Marr's Sunday morning politics show, but min...

It's not a surprise. I knew he'd be here after a bit of digging. I'd managed to get my hands on his client list and discovered he represented watchdog presenter Matt Allwright, a broadcaster. I hav...

It's not like they haven't noticed. It's shorter than before. It's got gel in and the way the fringe flops over to the right makes you look what five years younger? Yet they don't say a word? Where...

It's nothing to do with the absence of telework. It's not I couldn't give a shit about that.

It's OK, replies Brandreth as I complete my Third Circuit of the car park, I'm sure they'll foot the bill.

It's six weeks earlier and I'm sitting in the passenger seat of my own car or my assistant drives it badly.

It's the 20th of February 1995. I'm standing by graveside the wind whistling through my hair like a wind whistle. My father died on the 15th of February and has now been buried.

It's then that I realized he isn't hugging me, he's actually just leaning across to rifle through the bin. Remember there are no Homer bins are like supermarkets. We're in Gravesend, so it's likely...

It's time for me to do some of my own out loud speaking. I fired up my vocal chords.

It's true you don't know where you are. It's true you don't know what you're doing and let me add something else you feel isolated and alone. This is how I feel. I long for the familiarity of home,...

It's where my father stopped for refreshment all those mornings ago. And here I am now. Those refreshments echoing down through time, like some noisy time travelling food.

Josh, South of Dis. I crossed the county border, leaving behind Norfolk, the place to which I owe everything. I look back and wave a car driver thinks I'm hitchhiking and stops a few yards down the...

Julia Bradbury, there's always been a certain free song between Bradbury and me. I've said on air many times what an accomplished and attractive presenter she is, and she sent me a lovely message w...

Julia, I'll tell you the man is saying to balding. Move from the BBC to Channel 4 on the whole setup is different. Oh, very different. Very different. I say deciding to join in that way. The three ...

Just 100th of a second and then yes, I've done it. I've done it. East Anglia is saved.

Just to learn that Norwich offers few of the chain outlets that have come to Blight town centres in the rest of the country. Why? Because the people of Norfolk like to do things their own way. We s...

Knock, knock, knock.

Know for days or is it weeks now I've been sleepwalking.

Knowing that action needs to be taken, I quickly and efficiently de mushroom, my head popping back above the water like some sort of benevolent human crackin.

Late into the night would be at the hotel bar chatting about army slash scout life or sitting in quiet contemplation or racing around the tables sitting who could collect the most beer mats before ...

Later that day, Pat was dismissed. I wanted to console him, but I could tell from his body language that he wanted to be alone.

Later that night, however, I lie awake and realize I Alan Partridge. I'm in the grip of a grump.

Later that year with his remains yet to wash up, Michael was declared dead in absentia by a local coloner. His funeral that week was sparsely attended, but I was only too happy to honour him.

Later when I show the letter to my assistant, who by her own admission old mine, at least can be a right snark. She brings up the fact that the roof had leaked the previous winter, but I know my fa...

Laughs, Harvey the ladies laugh sudit I laugh.

Let these people go. Pat never screamed. The irate Irishman, never.

Let's carry on woosh. He's swimming now, his body slicing through the water like a sharp dolphin swell. The effort of swimming combined with a healthy diet is making his muscles develop right here ...

Let's discuss it some more. You'll all have your own ideas as to what the story was about. Who was this mysterious person and into what had they been plunged? Perhaps she had visions of a burly Eas...

Let's face it, each of us knows someone like Michael because there are Michaels all over Britain without likening him to a rat. It's fair to say that you're never more than a few feet from a Michae...

Let's not dwell on their death. People say when a loved one has died, let's celebrate their life well with Michael. I'd rather do the opposite because Michael's life didn't merit all that much cele...

Let's say a colleague caused offence by failing to compliment you on a new haircut.

Life moved on. I moved out and it was only when a friend of mine won the franchise for a BP garage and wanted help that I spoke to Michael again. He took a job and I'd see his face on the occasions...

Like a cat on a hot tin bench, I leapt from my bench bound over to him to try to spin him over, but his torso crumples and I realised that this isn't Brian at all. These are just his clothes. I sit...

Like Brian sleep well, Alan Swigger Sherry Oh no more drink for me thanks no. I mean his mouth wash and with that he gargles the celebrated cooking liquor and blast it from his mouth into a hedge.

Like he needs your permission snorted. Nick Ross. Ohh, fuck off Nick.

Like that in the 1850s, I'm surprised they don't have a clothes mangle and a pale aunt who coughs blood into a hanky.

Like that?

Like the name of a cartoon, Belgian detective said in a Scottish accent, it's 1010 footnote.

Like the old parlour game of patting your head while rubbing your balls, walking requires a real feat of coordination. I try not to overthink it. A boy at Cubs once told me that if you focus too ha...

Like the very eyes at the rink, I had just mentioned and I knew that if I didn't help her into a cab I'd be on thin ice like the very eyes of the rink I'd just mentioned before. Health and safety i...

Lionel Gordon Partridge was my father. In my opinion. He always will be, although there are some who argue that dad stopped being your father once they're dead.

Lionel would have been an unusual name in East Anglia in the earlier half of the 20th century, and he must surely have taken some stick for it. Stands to reason there would, I imagine have been lur...

Little is known about his childhood and mother said it was only when he came back from the Second World War that his bad humour developed in earnest.

Located primarily in my school, it's no exaggeration to say that whistling was the rap music of its day.

Looking to be helpful, I pushed up the sleeves of my jacket and began bulldozing armloads of Earth into the grave, only stopping when I was reminded that Michael had no grave as he'd never been fou...

Luckily Denny's is open a small business that has been run by the same family for decades. This is a guess. It's exactly the kind of place I'd hoped to stumble upon. I love this. This is me happeni...

Many moons ago, back in 1969, the 5th Battalion was tough and a fresh faced young private would have been thrown in with some pretty rum individuals. This wasn't like the scouts were of an undesira...

Maybe he just wasn't able to remove the second boot or had forgotten how laces work.

Meanwhile, for those of you on crowded public transport who chose not to say the words aloud, you'll feel no different, and that's your own fault, because, as I say, you lack class and are assholes.

Might have just been tiredness, but as I say hurt like hell at the time and knocked me for sex to be fair.

Milliseconds before my punch line, no matter, I waited after a minute or two the girl effed off and Ian turned back. I continued. They call you baby, but you're burning 5000 calories a day. I'll te...

Minutes later I was in the Office of station manager Greg Frampton, pleading with him to beef up security ahead of that night's party.

More importantly, as a major public figure, it pays to be vigilant about suspect packages. This comes from personal experience when North Norfolk Digital was sent, a box of heavy metal CD's.

More importantly, my father's journey to Dungeness had started here and thus so too will mine, or at least that was the plan. What I hadn't realized, even though I specifically asked my assistant t...

Morning the sales fall looks up as one to see Alan Partridge in a pinstriped suit and shiny black shoes, a bowl of perched atop Brill creamed hair and a briefcase in his hand. My hand.

Muggins here was about to open it when fellow DJ Rudy Gibson shouted over careful Alan that contains anthrax.

Music started and then something started to dawn on me. Actually Noel. I said you can go to the toilet. I've changed my mind. If you want to go go, it's fine actually.

My assistant argues that pride is sinful, but she's not been off terrestrial telly for two decades, so very much against her wishes. I have her sit in the passenger seat of my car while I drive to ...

My calculations are simple with my side to side jumping, becoming increasingly frantic. People will be unable to take their eyes off me in the 15 or so seconds before I become exhausted and have to...

My destination, the British Broadcasting Corporation, back its BBC. My task to pitch some ideas at Commissioners who've responded to my assistance mail drop by calling me in to hear more.

My father had no savings to speak of. Mum tells me he didn't believe in savings, preferring instead to enjoy his money by buying a new sofa every two years.

My father would have reached here at about 90 mins where it's taken me six days, but that's not the point. In fact, you could argue that the slower I go, the more I'm honouring him. Also, today's c...

My first task is to make camp. I've been looking forward to this because my new tent is an absolute stunner or stonker as Lenny Henry would say. It cost me £699.99 and is designed to withstand the ...

My hand ducks inside the waistband of my trouser for it's morning scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch and then away.

My journey takes me through the harrowing town of Harrow, the Greenbelt of Greenford, a woman called Brenda from Brentford. The riches of Richmond. The twits of Twickenham, the Teddy Boys of Teddin...

My mother Tuts and looks away.

My mouth looks and ears very sore indeed and I'm convinced it's misshapen. Why hasn't it sprung back? You'd expect it to spring back. The lips are stretched and ridded, but when I attempt to smile ...

My plan had been to spend the evening carving up pasta with cheese sauce would be followed by rice also with cheese sauce. What remained of the cheese sauce will be mopped up with bread, each slice...

My reasons for doing this walk are intensely personal, IE footsteps of Father and much though I sense the crowd would love it. That doesn't mean signing autographs or posing for selfies.

My sock quickly becomes sodden from the morning dew and I hop around angrily until I realised something. The boot must have been stolen.

National Insulation Association figures point to a 66% heat loss through uninsulated solid walls 25% through the loft slash roof space and 20% through windows and doors taken together. It means hou...

Never again will she imagine, even in her wildest dreams, that she could come close to the kind of pace and power of which I am so clearly capable. That said, I would like to thank dawn for saving ...

Never again will she mock me.

Never.

Next stop is Delia Smith, the lightly mottled Norwich based cook Odelia. I sing songs. She's at the door in a flash guess who's back in the big time my assistant tosses a business card and I'm abou...

Next up is Jamie Theakston, the spiky haired Kitty's TV presenter. Oh Jamie I sing he doesn't come to the door for ages, even though I know he's in. Eventually I pepper my singing with parts of the...

Next, it's former queen of Daytime Trish Goddard. Oh Trisha. I sing until she comes to the front door. Guess who's back in the big time?

Nick Witchel, whose way of using the cross trainer is admittedly very gay, gets more grief than most. Not that he minds you can't be a royal correspondent who knows for a fact that the Royals hate ...

No matter how soon rein her in, I stand up chlorinated water cascading off my glistening body. My giant frame, casting a shadow across the majority of the shallow end, raising my arms above my head...

No no.

No, dear Lessner will leave that kind of ugly career as into the likes of Tony Robinson, brackets, channel fours, walking through history, and John Inverdale brackets Channel 5 feel the power a spe...

No, I say for some reason out loud.

No, that woman's feelings could not be clearer and something needs to be done.

Nomad noun 1A person who does not stay long in the same place. A wanderer.

Norfolk has it all. Its pastoral life a world away from the colourless of its county neighbour.

Not for the drop of a hat. I might add, though. I wouldn't be surprised if that's the next thing. My 9 year old is going to be spending his Saturday dropping a hat to raise money for Save the Child...

Not that any of this is my concern. All I want to do is raise the bloody woman. I shall stand outside the changing rooms and wait.

Not that I can quibble with. My eyes flicked to the closed position. I find I'm more hourly sensitive. If I pretend to be congenitally blind, I've strayed onto the road. I avoid injury by diving to...

Not that the Beeb deserves him. His wisdom will be wasted at Broadcasting House. He should fly himself out to India. I know he has almost no money but be a do some good deals at this time of year a...

Not the TV show.

Not to worry, and with that we Bob out of the door and head back. I drive to Norfolk but the only people who wear fisherman's hats are the trawlermen at brancaster.

Nothing, and that's fine. This is dis. After all, an area untouched by the world of entertainment and celebrity where the people have little chance of knowing who is famous and who isn't. I know th...

Nothing.

Now all Barnet must be and all Barnett is with the doctor's distinctive Afro. European beats coursing through my veins, blocking out the crowds is a breeze.

Now I'm banging to charity. All right, I've done my sponsored swims sponsored shaves and even popped my head and hands in medieval stocks that for a pound of pop church fate attendees could throw w...

Now I'm no lover of London. If it were a person, I wanted to get deep vein thrombosis, but we each have a set of core beliefs that inform the way we live our lives and one of mine is that you shoul...

Now if you ask me, I say let all the peoples of East Anglia come together to fight this threat from rival counties as one because it's together by doctoring their Wikipedia entries by leaving negat...

Now our dance roster is pretty varied. Tap modern, jazz and disco are still performed creditably and enthusiastically, and I had a brilliant time at a kaleigh brackets Irish Hoedown recently before...

Now Turkey is the best choice for a modern Christmas lunch, while high in sodium, it's rich source of protein and typically a higher ratio of less fatty white meat to dark meat around 7030.

Now, the only reason a person should be travelling on foot next to a carriageway is if the car has broken down there, a sex worker or they're walking in the footsteps of a close relative such as a ...

Obviously there are less sexy elements. An office neighbouring mine was occupied by a newly qualified chiropodist, so the entire corridor stank of feet. If you choose to terminate your office renta...

Obviously, that offer is now rescinded, but I hope you read this and realize what your selfishness has cost you £10,000 in cash and a creative director position at Pear Tree Productions complete wi...

Odd

Of course there are those who claim that manufacturers routinely reuse the same horn noise across multiple models. I happen to disagree with this, believing that each car horn is as unique and spec...

Of course, as you get older, keeping your bearings becomes increasingly difficult. Which is why recently with incidences of me crashing on the rise, I took the difficult decision to retire the back...

Of course, the training and new business card printing will all be pointless if my bosses at North Norfolk Digital don't agree to give me time off, it's a matter I know I have to handle with gloves...

Of The Apprentice and it had increased my toughness by a factor of 2.

Off camera, the producers still going bananas and some of the stuff he's miming at me is pretty industrial.

Oh, but life was tough in the slums of Newcastle where Michael was born to a Tinker and an unskilled seamstress. One of nine children.

Oh, how sweet my victory will be. I can almost taste it now salty. It's even slightly meaty, although that may just have been the crisps. The race will be 2 lengths of the pool that I will beat her...

Ohh, I opened one eye and see some teenagers looking at me. I'd forgotten I was outside. I raised a hand apologetically and look for Brian as the teens wander off clearly in a hurry to fail their G...

OK Alan, you can pop your shirt back on now and with my GP doctor Tony Bracegirdle or Doc as he's known to our pub quiz team Cromwell's bitches. He's a good friend and I've asked him to give me a f...

OK, Alan final round correctly identify the next horn and you'll walk away with today's star prize at Tracker Bar.

OK.

On another occasion he found out where I was holding my 50th birthday bash, and to sully the ambiance booked an all male strip troop who frolicked around me dressed as American cops. Even though th...

On my arrival at Broadcasting House, the PA doesn't sound please, but then, nor would I if I had to appear in the background on BBC News every time I popped to the lavatory.

On the condition that I stopped leaving so many ideas in the company suggestion box, I agree and to show there are no hard feelings, I reply to Greg's final e-mail with a series of positive emotico...

Once a year when he was drunk on Christmas Sherry, I'd be allowed to clamber onto his back when he crawled around the room and pretended to pour the lady guests in the room.

Once after a few too many long iced teas at a BBC cocktail party, I promise to give Aman Holmes a fireman's lift back to his car. But my knees buckled even before he'd climbed on. I claimed it was ...

Once again, and for the avoidance of doubt, the footsteps of my father walk is a deeply personal journey. It's something I want to do to honour my father and interest from broadcasters is a side is...

Once in Tilbury I disembark and plunge London Woods. The outline of its Gray buildings muscling into the sky like a rude person's bag on an empty train seat, which you see a lot of in London.

One look at this and they'll be well within their rights to stop my retainer and take back the pallets of corsodyl they delivered to my garage.

One of my earliest memories standing on a pavement by a parade of shops while my mother attempted to parallel park again and again and again. We ended up shouting directions at the flustered woman....

Or did that answer apply to both questions, Harvey?

Or east to West across England's narrowest point. The belt line of Britain, or just a rectangle around the Midlands? I'd call that one the guts of Albion. It helps if it has some historical or pers...

Or shouted, think.

Or that's what some are saying. I'm pleased to say that I'm not one of them, even though I vouched for him to get the job, and he was kind of throwing it back in my face. No, I'm pretty Zen about t...

Or venture to an amdam production in a town Civic Centre. If you prefer your performances louder and slower.

Or very good looking. Even the tiny Ant who can carry weight equivalent to a human lifting at a gas 60 skysc****rs.

Other episodes would see Swallow, finish the conversation in the pub down his IPA and leave, at which point we'd make out a figure in the background. Shit, look, it's Flint drinking bourbon and loo...

Others are more cynical, believing that elderly women wear them because they think that having a deeper, more nasal tone of voice makes them more attractive to lifeguards, many of whom are less tha...

Our conversation is at an end and in a final act of quite staggering kindness, Brian offers me his bed, the bench and lies down on the grass near by.

Our paths first crossed back in the late 80s at a Christmas cocktail party hosted by our price radio. I was one of the leading presenters on the popular installed only station and as such was one o...

Owners rose patch and then finally I'm ready.

Paradise, I say to myself, pleased that the Phil Collins reference has come to me easily. I want to think about Collins more a lot more, but the elderly vagrant waves to me. Jesus, I think not. Now...

Parted smiled even wistfully.

Parted stopped for a second.

Parties looked back at him. Oh yeah.

Partridge looked her in the eye eyes.

Partridge.

Pathetic.

Pause footnote I should point out that this opening bit was lifted directly from a Ted talk I wrote, but was subsequently not required to give.

Penner nestles like a slumped dog between Ruislip, Northwood and Harrow. It takes its name from the river pin, which Wends its way through the village and whose banks are lined with anglers or pinp...

People have always asked me why do you hate Edmunds?

People often ask me why I veer to the right on long walks. My answer is always the same. It's a bit of JIP around my left ankle that flares up when I walk a small hello from my body's nerve centre ...

People were letting their hair down, but the only thing that parted was letting down was not his guard.

People will say I'm being too complimentary and there's no way they're this good, but I genuinely believe that if the people of knowledge were cheddar, they'd be Tesco. Finest cheddar, full flavour...

Perhaps because they haven't bothered to think it through.

Perhaps Brian was merely an invention of my fortified wine addled mind.

Perhaps I've bitten off more walk than I could chew.

Perhaps if he'd heard the buzz of an electric toothbrush once in a while, he wouldn't be in this mess.

Perhaps in my drunkenness I've been sitting here shooting the breeze with a pile of old, pissy clothes. Or maybe he was a road spirit. Some Native Americans believe weary travellers are visited by ...

Perhaps those in Norwich might recall local papers prefixing his name with cowardly security guard or AWOL guard or suicidal Geordie or shamed Scaredy cat after he stood down from his post to give ...

Persecutes workers and is viewed with suspicion by the West and the other is the Islamist state of Qatar.

Planting down through this Dedham Vale, Danbury, and other places not beginning with DI, eventually arrive at the ancient port of Tilbury on the River Thames, crossing over to Gravesend, ideally by...

Potato is another excellent source of energy. Rich carbohydrates. So for elevenses the PM ones I have crisps in bed, the ritual of sleep time snacking is what I'm very fond of. I'm sure you'd agree...

Preposterous, I continued turning up at the guys house silence turning up at the guy's house. I chuckle, silence.

Prologue what I talk about when I talk about rambling.

Pull foir he emerges from the tumble turn and coughs. Chlorine filled water off to the side. Peep the lifeguard blows his whistle hey stop speeding his shouts through the whistle and stop. Breathe ...

Pump a foot is dolloped onto the ground in under a second. It is load bearing locking in place to become a willing pivot for the body as a whole. It accepts the load, dutifully bending a little at ...

Pyramid Scheme Man had a way of saying I know not and using the word 4 instead of because which made him sound like a character from Lord of the Rings or that TV series with Boobs and Dragons. I be...

Q 313 was a hard time for Alan Partridge, a period of flux, as evidenced by the dead in hairstyle, had developed slightly looser, longer, looser Lanka style. You're never too old to experiment, alt...

Really, no, honestly, but Edmunds just sat there looking at me with his stupid Ewok head. The music was over and then I heard a familiar voice from the video. Just think, THINK, think? T think abou...

Regardless, he needed work and I was in a position to help, so I agreed to vouch for him. When the station then called North Norfolk Digital advertised for a security guard.

Regular heroin consumption combined with a lack of knowledge about sexually transmitted diseases only serve to make the well respected Victorian detectives Hornier.

Relating to their future conduct.

Right on cue, the clouds give way and the beams of sunlight fire through them as if God is trying to laser off an unsightly tattoo, Suffolk.

Roger Taylor, designed for Queen's Pop song. We Will Rock you dumb, dumb chick. Dumb dumb chick.

Roughly halfway through the silence, I noticed the candle flame flicker. Could this be the spirit of my dead father come to wish me well on my travels, the romantic in me certainly hopes so even if...

Sadly, this has never seen the light of day and I'm not permitted to reproduce the logo here, all thanks to a disagreement with the branding consultancy over payment. I sought to pay a third and ad...

Say what Simon's eyes light up. Like all sidekicks, he dreams of emerging from his master's shadow. Most red blooded males fantasize about a busty woman, soaping herself down in the shower. Simon f...

Script by stop scratching. My backside pleads with me to continue, but I resist and in a few seconds the itch subsides on its own as I knew it would.

Seconds later I am a blur of activity. It would work well as a montage sequence set to a piece of pop music.

Seconds later, I am in the shop. It appears to be a family run operation with a good range of produce plus some pleasing relics of times gone by a convex mirror high above an aisle where today a se...

Security guard or not, Michael had jumped at the chance to steal, or in his parlance, twark the bus. Twocking is a Newcastle in Word for stealing an acronym for taking without consent. It says some...

She also believed that Holmes snorted cocaine off Watson's backside.

She also had her doubts about Mrs Hudson's living in the flat below. Can she really have been unaware of the nightly buggery marathons above? Even if we assume she didn't hear the regular role-play...

She invites me in and we have a really nice cuppa which I can see makes for a slightly anticlimactic into my day of drive by and means I don't have time to stop at Neil Buchanan's flat or Michaela ...

She makes her less enthusiastic noise, which I know is because I said the word Dick. She's unable to differentiate between proper nouns and swear words, which is why she refers to the well known Br...

She tells me that Harvey Kennedy is still uncontactable. Doesn't matter now, I tell her, but I'm a bit miffed at his manners. She tells me that it is inevitable damnation to the eternal fires of he...

She touched loudly in the door opens. I knew this would work quiet quick. Gibberish always gets them. I said, what was it you wanted? I shake her by the hand I've come to check in and I'm delighted...

She, and to be fair, others want to know why the walk even needs a website. If the walk isn't intended to raise my profile, why does it need an online presence?

She's back in the pool nose clip, clamped onto her nostrils and is about to begin her swim.

She's not driving at the moment because her blood pressure pills make her hands shake, but the items will need collecting today, so she might have to use public transport.

Sit down and watch the damn video, Edmunds, I hissed. He pursed his lips into a homosexual. Ohh shape and sat down as the video flickered into life.

Sleepwalking took a hammer to a much loved CD collection. Sleepwalking, found in the spare room with your colleague Philip. After your husband let him stay over because he'd had two glasses of wine...

So I don't take her ignorance personally until I reach the foot of the stairs and see her chilling display on the wall under a laminated banner that says Hettie's Wall of fame. Oh, so it's Hetty no...

So I sent him on his way and I am now carrying my bags again, which in a daft way I prefer.

So I was able to assess businesses with a clinical eye and a surgical ear.

So I've tried to stare myself back to more. How do you do territory pull up the figures for Q4? What? What shit now? I've become too posh and in any case I remember that people in business tend not...

So no, I didn't get a book deal. Not that I've ever had a desire to write about my experience. If I'm going to write a book about anything, it'll be about walking slash my father. Thanks very much.

So what brings you here, Alan doing walking footsteps of Father? I answer the phrasing's a bit weird, but I think it might be because of the bullet point thing. Earlier I tell him about the box I f...

So what's on the menu? Alan? Well, loosen your belts a couple of notches put on a head restraint and allow me to slip a funnel into your mouth and force feed you a cultural feast that will leave yo...

So when a position arose with BNFL for my money, the daddy of UK nuclear power, it stood to reason that he'd throw his hat into the ring.