Peep Show - Season 4 Edit

A bit of tongues, not much.

A champion is someone who gets up even when they can't. OK?

A fuck monkey? He said that?

A fucking safari park?!

A hangover of that kind.

A jilt is at the altar, I'm not jilting.

A mighty fine piece of ass.

A nightclub?

A pathetic, flabby worm.

A pretty amazing unofficial stag night, yeah?

A reminder of what can happen, if you're not careful.

A slight but very definite chance, that I could be off to India.

A text?

ABC, Always Be Cost cutting.

About the sexual problems in your relationship.

About us.

About what? The time you screwed the next door neighbour?

About your knob?

According to Johnson. He's got a window.

Actually it's our dad's.

Actually Russell had to go off to Norway this morning, so I'm just here. Is that all right, Dad?

Actually, I did want to tell someone. It was so cool.

Actually, this is almost top speed.

After 30 years, well...

Ah ha!

Ah, ah, my brain! My poor diseased brain!

Ah, heads again. Shit!

Ah, it's marry. I'm gonna marry. Shit.

Ah, it's terrible, it's horrible.

Ah, nice. Thanks, man.

Ah, now listen, before I forget,

Ah, this is a new one water stalking.

Ahead of the big presentation tomorrow.

Ahoy there, shipmates!

Ahoy there!

ALARM

All right, all right, all right. Here he comes... Whey!

All right, Corrigan.

All right, keep your wig on.

All right, look I've been invited

All right, mate. So, you're mates with Wankerthon?

All right, whatever.

All right. Fine, bloody hell.

All that crank totally fucked with my mind.

All that reports up bums stuff, that's the bullshit.

All things considered my career prospects, your sexual desperation

Also I will veto any jokes about mucus, vomit or excrement.

Although if it was, Mao would probably win.

Although there are actually a few pesky I's to dot

Although, I suppose, I mean...

An early wedding present.

An evil Alain de Botton?

An indecent proposal?

And a few T's for me and Gerrard to...

And a pirated DVD of Anchorman is not important stuff.

And am very much looking forward to marrying her.

And as... as you can see I've been in the top ten percentile

And ended up giving me a piece of her ass.

And even if it is broke, just ignore it and maybe it'll be sort of OK,

And from my job as an executive I had plenty of cash leftover to buy a hoover.

And from my job as an executive I had plenty of cash leftover to buy a hoover.

And gave his wife that aggressive yeast infection?

And get fucked by the biggest swinging dicks

And have a bit of a go on the washing up before you got home.

And he said he was from security, but I don't think he really was.

And he said it was a friendly crowd and come down. So, I thought, yeah.

And he started the Sundance Film Festival.

And he was going up my legs and my thighs

And he'd say, "No." And then they'd just start fucking.

And he's gonna wanna talk about button holes

And he's paying me 500 quid a week in advance, in cash.

And how do you think we should be?

And how I probably don't properly love her.

And I can then wipe my fucking arse on it.

And I don't think I wanna pay for it with you.

And I have to carry you around on my back for 30 years?

And I know who the culprit is, Jeremy.

And I said stop, but he wouldn't stop.

And I said, "Benny, it's time to shit or get off the pot."

And I think maybe worrying about your speech is the reason why.

And I tried evening it out, but it just got smaller

And I wouldn't trade a moment of that friendship for a lifetime of

And I... And I touched him?

And I'll be back soon and everything's fine.

And I'll put in a good word for you with Eva.

And I'm not in fact a gender bender, a mentaloid or a public leaning post, after all.

And I'm not really sure I want to... I don't think I want to.

And I'm so hot

And I'm so hot

And I'm so hot

And I'm so hot

And I'm so hot

And I'm so hot

And I'm wearing an overcoat and no one should approach me

And I've been hiding my true feelings, even from myself,

And I've had to do loads of spreadsheets.

And if you keep doing it, she'll call the police.

And if you look at the bottom,

And in the last quarter at JLB,

And in your own dried up, desiccated, weird

And ironic veneration of tyrants.

And Jeremy? Is he like your butler?

And leave me to pick up the pieces as usual.

And loads of shirts that aren't worn out.

And maybe we can get one small servant.

And not in a good way.

And now I don't know what to do, cos on the one hand...

And now Matt's going to spill the beans to Sophie or to Nancy

And one of the concepts I came up with

And put bacon on my shoulders.

And she said, "Mark, let's do it," what would you say?

And she'd say, "I thought you had Aids."

And smaller until I looked like an evil overlord, so I just lost it.

And Soph, and everything.

And the Africans, having a better time than you can imagine.

And the instructor here, Matt, is a hundred degree hottie.

And the instructor here, Matt, is a hundred degree hottie.

And the parking situation, which to be fair, is a bit of a nightmare.

And then he rubbed my penis quite a bit.

And then he... touched my penis,

And then I sobered up, and had second thoughts.

And then she'll tell Sophie. What am I going to do, Jez?

And to say how lovely it is to have you both here.

And tried to get myself run over.

And unfriendly way, you love me too.

And very long hours.

And we could pretend you were chasing me!

And we think we'd like to step down from the workgroup.

And what if I don't? Are you going to shoot me?

And what's gonna happen to me? I mean, Nancy's going back to America.

And what's it like when you're down that low?

And what's it like when you're in the middle?

And what's it like when you're up that high?

And you are?

And you don't have to be a smackhead to wank off old geezers,

And you know what that means won't be able to get married.

And you love her?

And you'd be the first to admit you're a bottom feeder.

And you're a man.

And you're a very attractive woman, but I have a helluva lot on, so...

And you're at the house banging the mum!

And you're sure you're poking the right man in the eye?

And you've been as low as it's possible to get.

And your hat and shoes smell of puke.

Another thing?

Any more knots in these calves and I'll put you forward for a scout badge.

Anyone for a game of Risk?

Anything tying you down?

Anyway, then Dad came and picked me up.

Are not just marrying each other, but marrying all of us today.

Are you all right, Super Hans?

Are you all right?

Are you all right?

Are you doing my speech from the internet?

Are you feeling any more positive about the marriage?

Are you having a mental breakdown?

Are you not taking a shower?

Are you OK, man?

Are you OK?

Are you seeing anyone?

Are you sure it's OK to put in unleaded?

Are you trying to get your end away while Sophie's not here?

Are you wanking over her?

Are you writing a novel or something?

Aren't you meant to be in the big meeting?

Arsehole.

As I said, I think I might not be getting married after all.

As long as you both shall live.

As long as you're there, it's just four people having an apparently nice time

As there'll be a professional there. And none of it's even my fault!

Ask Sadie out for a smoothie.

Assistant managing the IMAX in Bradford.

At an outdated venue.

At school? You got taught the wrong way to rub one out and you tried it for two hours.

Aurora, I'll call you.

BAG FALLS

BANG

Be careful you don't...

Because he's terrible at being black.

Because I'm going out to collect some dog shit

Because I've been given another chance to be your friend.

Because if there's one little crack of doubt,

Because of a silly drunken snog, then go on, do it.

Because she's from the Third World and lived in a hut?

Because she's from the Third World and lived in a hut?

Because that's all I care about.

Because the physical stuff, that goes, inevitably.

Because you're such good friends with Dan, aren't you, Pen?

Before I've had time to feel like I've started to enjoy our sex.

Before we started, there are a few questions...

Besides, she's good for me, Jez,

Best of five?

Best of three?

Big Suze left me, I just wish something would work out for me, you know?

Big Suze was hungry. She's rich.

Bit of a wobble. I just proposed to a woman in a coffee shop

Bit tense, wedding nerves.

Blown to pieces by the size of the IMAX image every day, anyway.

Bollocks. OK, Dad, time to turn on the money hose. Up the reward.

Bollocks. They're hot and they want it. Come on.

Boo hoo, poor old Dan.

Borneo Function.

BOTH SOB

Bottle cap. Another one for the collection.

Brilliant, except of course, I am about to cancel the wedding.

Brilliant, right, hold on, I'll be right there. OK, let's go.

Brilliant! Let's call this mother off, the old dude brothers are back.

Brilliant.

Brilliant. Well done, mate.

But also putting Planning into the mix,

But also, is it really so different

But be a bit quiet, maybe, Matt.

But digging a hole in the wintry earth with my bare hands

But first I am required to ask anyone present who knows a reason

But how about a cream cracker and a Ryvita?

But I do feel very strongly that it's not... right.

But I do like some of the things they do, so...

But I don't like playing the game with women, talking to them,

But I don't want to eat into our margin of safety by yakking here.

But I like it! It's like going to a strip joint with the Pope!

But I think I did a pretty decent job

But I thought that might be a joke.

But I told him where to get off.

But I was thinking of waiting for a bit before I brought it up.

But I'm breaking down your wall of silence, lan.

But I'm looking for a kind of, like, handyman.

But I've got loads of really important stuff to do this weekend.

But if I'm not good enough then there's a computer setting.

But if they never catch up with you, what's the hitch?

But if you love each other, then it's massive.

But if you persuade them, we co manage a new super department.

But if you really want to go in there and talk to Sophie about calling it off

But in the end it probably saved more lives than if they hadn't.

But isn't it quite good if she does find out?

But it got me thinking about Sophie, and the wedding,

But it was a bit much. I took four cans with me,

But just tell them this is real life smelling the flowers.

But less of a big deal out here than it is in a major conurbation.

But my boss was actually really cool about it.

But now they're all coming out... What a lot of feelings!

But Penny wanted us out of the house, and what Penny wants, Penny gets.

But really you'll be playing the computer. OK?

But really, it's our fast food culture of instant gratification

But she says if she sees you doing it again, she knows some bad dudes and they'II...

But that implies he could have jilted her somewhere else.

But that probably helps too.

But then go sane again and check and recheck,

But then I got waylaid and ended up on crystal meth

But then it'll all spill out and Sophie won't be able to shout at me

But they all hated you at Polefield.

But they're all totally normal.

But this means nothing to me without you.

But this will be 300 odd employees!

But what about your doubts? Your crippling doubts?

But what's Blair going to do?

But won't Marketing kick up a shit storm?

But you have to promise not to be angry with me.

But, as you can see, it's actually quite a massive house.

But, if we're working together, I guess we may as well try and be friends.

But, look big picture so what?

But, y'know, in the moment it really did feel like I needed to eat it.

But... the bin, Jeremy!

But... you can't.

By your job, you mean being a handyman

Bye, love you.

Bye. Let's speak soon.

Can I get a filter coffee to take away?

Can I get a metre of vodka... with an inch of tonic?

Can I get you a drink?

Can I help you?

Can you describe exactly what happened, Mr Corrigan?

Can you get that please, Jeremy?

Can you give me another guest pass?

Can you take some more? Can you? Do you want it?

CAR DOOR SLAMS SHUT

CAR HORN HONKS

Case closed, Columbo.

Cash. Will that do?

Chairman Mao, isn't it?

Champers Spa, can I help?

Champers Spa, can I help?

Charles didn't really love Diana, and they were all right. Sort of.

Cheer up, Mark. Least now you've got a funny story to tell people.

CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS

Clear your tubes, cos you and me are going to chow down

Come back soon.

Come here and meet these great guys.

Come in.

Come off it, Jez. You said he was a moist eyed camera hogger.

Come on, dude, let's take it all the way up.

Come on, Jez, I'm feeling very tense and nervous and unhappy

Come on, let's get moving.

Come on, man!

Come on, Mark, you've got to grasp the nettle, mate.

Come on, Mark. Let's get wankered.

Come on, Mark. The body is the greatest lie detector!

Come on, Mummy. >

Come on, Soph.

Come on, Soph. You want us to enjoy the executive lifestyle together.

Come on, Suze.

Come on, we need to get Super Hans and go.

Come on, we're going.

Come on! He got married, didn't he? Leave him alone.

Congratulations, you've killed a sentient being.

Cool, very cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool. Cool, dude. Sit down.

Cool. So let's roll out somewhere spicy and celebrate.

Cool. So, you and Lucy seem pretty sweet on each other.

Cool. Well, I'll probably head off.

Cor, it's like a sauna in here!

Corrigan. Are you spying on my wife?

Cos I am going to get married.

Cos I can tell you right now I'm not burgling any Democrats.

Cos I'll be the guy pitching this stuff. OK?

Cos I'm in hell.

Cos I'm in hell.

Cos I'm in hell.

Cos I'm in hell.

Cos I'm in hell.

Cos I'm in hell.

Cos, personally, I have no idea.

Could I start wearing a mitten? Or maybe chuck a flannel over it?

Could you tell her I'm sorry?

Count the kisses, Mark. She's happy and she wants to kiss me, four times.

Couple of bog rolls for a pillow and a wicked big tarpaulin.

Couple of middle of the road inebriation gags, bang... I'm out of there.

Couple of pints, couple of hotties.

Dad comes up with a brainwave and then he hires a load of little people

Dad has gone to his sister's,

Dad!

Dan. Fucking Dan Walker.

Dan. What a filthy...

De Botton wouldn't kill, we're not going to kill him.

Did you actually have to eat it?

Did you do it?

Did you even use tongues?

Did you see Matt Townsend do this?

Did you slink off to bed before we did the melon off?

Did you talk to him?

Digging holes

Digging holes.

Digging holes.

Digging holes.

Digging holes.

Do it, man!

Do something.

Do you know what? I think I might toss a coin.

Do you know, I fancy a nap. A nice relaxing nap.

Do you like jam?

Do you remember on that history field trip,

Do you think I'm some kind of freelance dog murdering Mafia man?

Do you think Pedge fancied that hooker? Of course he didn't!

Do you think we can leave him in that toilet,

Do you think we spend enough time together?

Do you wanna turn this around and I'll see you in a sec?

Do you wanna?

Do you want some company?

Do you want some more? Do you? Do you want it? Do you want it?

Do you want to risk asking him?

Does not indicate a gritty life on the never never.

DOG WHINES

Doing it over the phone, that's despicable.

Don't be a dick! Go and get it.

Don't flaunt your wad, Jeremy, it's not becoming.

Don't go to the pub with Jeremy.

Don't leave it too late.

Don't say that, Sophs.

Don't stamp on it! Jesus. Wring its neck.

Don't you see? None of this works, Mark.

DOOR BUZZER

DOOR OPENS

DOORBELL

DOORBELL

Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org

Drive on!

Duties? What duties?

Either that or I'm an incredibly hard to detect paedo.

Er, as a matter of fact, I did.

Er, it's Matt, isn't it.

Er, m my address... Hold on, let me just check.

Er, maybe we should just...

Er, no, Jez.

Er, no, mate, no, no.

Er, no.

Er, Sally, look, I'm really not sure I...

Er, yeah, yeah. I think so.

Er, yeah.

Er, yes, as I was saying, I... I love cinema, especially the films of

Er...

Even if you did threaten to break my fingers.

Even when you gave me shit about the earnings projections.

Every window is also a door

Everybody behind me, keep your guns low.

Everybody isn't just wanting it the whole time.

Everybody's coming to get me

Everybody's coming to get me

Everybody's coming to get me

Everyone needs to be kind to me. Text that.

Everyone was so surprised, especially you. Brilliant.

Everyone's getting ready for a wedding.

Everyone's wondering why you climbed in through the window.

Exactly!

Exactly.

Exactly.

Exactly. D'oh! That's how love works, Mark.

Exactly. I nick your milk, you burn my barn.

Exactly. No more pizza. What are you doing tonight?

Exactly. Stick it on the bill.

Excuse me, Eva. We're out of juice.

Expressing a good deal of happiness.

Faint heart never won fair maid.

Fighting prejudice and negative stereotypes wherever you find them!

Fine, no, I agree, it's great.

Fine. I guess it's just Gerrard and me from here on in. Right, Gerrard?

Fine. If you're taking this down to the wire, fine.

Fine. Jesus!

First melon to fall off loses.

First up, remember, this is a brainstorm.

For a laugh!

For a laugh! It's the stag!

For a man called The Orgazoid.

For a man with a brain tumour the size of a pineapple

For God's sake, Jeremy, that's the post you set fire to.

For God's sake, lan.

For God's sake! If we're gonna talk,

For the record, Nancy's not bullshit. She does love me.

For what I'm almost certainly not going to try to do, OK?

For what it's worth, I'm sorry.

For when people are in touch about doing baseball caps with my initials on.

Forget about Sophie, all right?

Forget it, Jez. Hold it in.

Four? Oh, yeah.

Foz!

Foz? What are you doing here?

From here right the way down to here.

From hiring a solicitor or leasing a villa in Spain?

Fuck monkey jungle action.

Fuck myself? Eat myself? You're such a...

Fuck off, Jeremy!

Fuck off. You've made it too hard. I can hardly fucking pedal.

Fuck Super Hans, he'll be fine. Let's leave him.

Fuck that, I love you and I want to have sex with you.

Fuck! Aah!

Fucking hell!

Fucking hell! What's going on?

Get it! Get it! Get it! Get it!

Get some exercise and some time, not away from Sophie, just without her.

Get yourself a nice tank of petrol.

Give him a... hand.

Give it back!

Go on. Before we get your booty locked up by Captain Corrigan.

God, I am dying for a piss.

God, I'd really love to bone him

God, no, no, it's not a jilting. I'm gonna tell her right away.

God, no. Not because of Nana's cottage.

God, that's a really tough decision.

God, you look great!

God, you've got fingers in so many pies. How d'you keep track?

God!

God!

Going out?!

Going to the pub with Jeremy.

Good, that sounds nice.

Good, though, isn't it the gym? Kind of like being the member of a club.

Good.

Good. You know, I actually find it quite comforting

Got any contacts? Anyone who could handle a management role?

Got most of it in a shoe.

Great, and what shall I do after I've pissed myself?

Great! OK, We'll set it up for the staff party on Thursday.

Great.

Great.

Great.

Great. Let's get out of here. I am busting.

Great. Well, I'll make a note of that.

Ha, it's incredible!

Ha! You're on! Warp factor three, please, Scotty.

Half my brain's been eaten away already... probably.

Hans, this is... this... It's not just a man, this is The Orgazoid!

Happy birthday, happy birthday.

Happy birthday, happy birthday.

Happy birthday, happy birthday.

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

Happy birthday. I hope it'll be a memorable day.

Has something on that piece of paper made you sad?

Have a proper taste.

Have I lived enough. I've only slept with four men. Is that enough?

Have they stopped history books?

Have you ever been to the Big Chill?

Have you got any spare carrier bags,

Have you still got the printout of the idea, the three department merger?

Haven't you got work in the morning?

Having a nice little kneel.

He bought you a jumper?! What else has he bought you?

He can't hear. Can you,

He did it. He made me and Jeremy watch,

He did?

He didn't let that stop him. He did the right thing.

He doesn't have anyone to play with, and two people can't share one bloody racket.

He doesn't know us at all, does he?

He is going to hurt me.

He poos... in the pool.

He sent me a greetings card with a pre printed message

He thinks maybe they'll let him play at the end. Maybe they will.

He thinks we can't hide here forever.

He used to call me a flod. I think it was a mixture between a flid and spod.

He used to enjoy lots of things he doesn't like doing any more.

He'd definitely get the sack for that.

He's a creative, I'm a creative.

He's a red haired old gentleman

He's an alpha male, Jeremy.

He's gonna sell your organs or invite a German round from the internet to eat you.

He's got a window and he's opening it for me.

He's here, too.

He's horrible

He's looking for, quote unquote, a fuck monkey.

He's nibbling but he hasn't bitten yet. So I'm just gonna get Gerard

He's not a man, he's a band. He's one of the most brilliant techno pioneers of all time

He's not into anything serious,

He's obsessed with the idea that I'm screwing around on him.

He's only bloody come through for me.

Hello, everybody.

Hello, just need to grab some files, and some ProPlus and Nurofen.

Hello, Mark, Jeremy.

Hello, Penny. Where's Sophie?

Hello, sexy.

Hello, you, yes you.

Hello?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello. Check it out, Mark.

Her? Why?

Here it is.

Here they all are, my tormentors.

Here, look, take it. And the horsey. Come on, man!

Here, Mark, I tell you what, you piss in this bottle, I'll drink it.

Here, Sally, I got you a present.

Here's Sophie, everybody, here's Sophie.

Hey hey, it's me. Surprise visit.

Hey, 31, Bishop's Avenue.

Hey, Corrigan, your ass is hanging out! Tuck it in!

Hey, is that a kingfisher?

Hey, Jez! Great idea. This is so much fun.

Hey, look, it'll be OK.

Hey, Mark, would you like some?

Hey, Markie!

Hey, Nance, how was the sofa?

Hey, Soph, sorry to have missed you. Having a great time on my stag.

Hey, Suze.

Hey, there. We just wondered if you don't mind hanging out

Hey!

Hi there, can I come in?

Hi, Alan, you wanted to talk about... Oh, I'm sorry...

Hi, and what's your name?

Hi, Foz.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Jez, Super Hans.

Hi, Mark, how are you feeling?

Hitchhiker's Guide. It's the same copy we read from at Sutton Hoo.

Hmm.

Honestly, I was always coming to Kettering. It's a party town.

How about a foot of wine?

How am I going to see Nancy again if you don't give me a pass?

How did that get on there?

How do you like those guys on your ass? I don't give up, Alan!

How do you think it's going, Jez?

How exactly is pulling a third in going to help? You dick pole!

How many missed calls have you got?

How the hell has it come to this?

How would you feel about sleeping with Mark's boss, for money?

How would you know?

How's it going, mate? Everyone's excited.

How's it going?

How's it looking, Mark? Looking good, right?

How's the food plan? What did you have for dinner?

I always knew you'd do well for yourself, but this is amazing.

I always knew you'd end up doing something like that.

I am angry, very angry, but also incredibly relieved.

I am not a dirty dog, but I do need you to come as my... sheath.

I am out of this, no questions asked.

I believe so. What exactly is?

I blink, you win, OK?

I came to try and win her back but I don't even know if I like her or...

I can lend you this great book on relationships.

I can see it's you. What the hell are you doing here?

I can still come to classes. Do you mind if I cut in?

I can't believe he'd say that.

I can't believe they got rid of Matt.

I can't believe this, Jeremy. This is really horrible.

I can't believe you saw her last night but didn't say till now.

I can't do it now.

I can't hide. I'm not a good hider.

I can't see her now, pretend to be asleep.

I can't think of anything to say. You start.

I can't... This isn't what I want.

I could be your butler.

I could go on the exercise bike in front of you

I could invite Nancy. Yeah, brilliant excuse to see her.

I could probably live like a king on a tenner a week. I'd do fuck all.

I could say I was looking for God up here.

I couldn't get out!

I did a few different versions of Borneo Function that never got released.

I did not try to sell her body to another man.

I did think I had ringworm once but it turned out to be a cigarette burn.

I didn't actually mean, "Relax and take your time." Jesus!

I didn't know you were even back in the country.

I didn't want to mention that, but...

I do actually, definitely, fancy Eva.

I don't care how you do it as long as you fucking well do it!

I don't know if I'm attractive enough to.

I don't know,

I don't know, Alan.

I don't know, I think I made a pretty good impression.

I don't know, it's difficult.

I don't know, Mark, yours is very expensive.

I don't know, maybe some stoned weightlifter playing a prank or something.

I don't know, maybe.

I don't know. I keep wondering that.

I don't know. Who is he?

I don't like her! I don't fancy her!

I don't like it at all.

I don't mind it being risque, Jeremy.

I don't need to pay money to join a gym. The world is my gym.

I don't really want to go back to that place or have anything to do with him.

I don't really want to.

I don't think he'll die, he never normally dies.

I don't think I have a good enough reason to call off this wedding.

I don't think it is the same, Mark.

I don't think so, she's not really my type.

I don't think that a distinction as big in reality as it is in your mind.

I don't think we'll hit trouble on the Shropshire Union Canal.

I don't wanna end up on my own, like Miss Haversham,

I don't want a hangover, Jeremy. I want to be almost asleep by 11.

I don't want him on my chest.

I don't want sweet punani action.

I don't want to talk to you. Goodbye.

I don't want to waste water so I have my own methods,

I dunno! Stuff! Banter. Chat.

I expect you've noticed lan's a little older than me.

I feel like my soul is being chipped away bit by bit.

I feel the same sometimes when I come back from JLB

I find that stuff interesting.

I got a bit drunk and posted that stuff to Big Suze,

I got it signed by Douglas Adams when he came to the big WH Smith's.

I got it. I got one, I got one!

I got Super Hans to fill in yesterday. Said I was sick.

I had a boyfriend till last month. He was a bit hippy for my taste.

I had a chance to think in Norway.

I had a great first day.

I had to hide it. Aurora had me looking for it for about four hours.

I hadn't even noticed.

I have a job and a flat of my own now, so it's great to see you.

I have experience of managing a team.

I have, this is how I've got over it.

I haven't got a penny in the world, Suze,

I haven't got very much cash at the moment and no one round here

I haven't had a proper drink for six years.

I haven't seen you since...

I heard every word. And for the record, Jeremy,

I heard you snoring, but you're not asleep.

I helped him out.

I hoover sometimes cos I bought my flat and that

I hope Nancy gets here soon, this is gonna be perfect.

I just don't know, Jez.

I just don't think we should see each other for a while.

I just feel terrible. I feel like I've been shot in the stomach.

I just feel that, you know, if it ain't broke, don't fix it,

I just think if our relationship were a sugar bowl, it would be this one.

I just wanna go and scrub it all out.

I just wanna go to bed!

I just wanna make sure it's accurate.

I just wanted to check you were back OK, Mark,

I know a reason.

I know I have. But I'm lucky,

I know I might have mentioned some doubts, but that was pub talk.

I know my rights. I've spoken to my friends at the Citizens Advice Bureau.

I know my wife.

I know now, but I didn't before.

I know why you're doing this, Mark. You're marrying her to spite me.

I know, I forget too, sometimes.

I know!

I know.

I like long hours.

I like that, it sounds interesting.

I like the lyrics.

I listen to the set text on my iPod when I'm hoovering.

I love the funny women taking their clothes off, and you lot gawping.

I love you too.

I love you. I've just got this big overdraft.

I make my own sandwiches, Jeremy.

I may be a homophobe, but I'm no badger baiter.

I mean, am I gonna live here, like, on my own?

I mean, I will. I mean, obviously I can't, but I would.

I mean, I'm not on the Child Protection Register... yet,

I mean, ideally it would be somewhere with nice surroundings.

I mean, Kenneth Halliwell and Joe Orton couldn't do that.

I mean, she's so nice.

I mean, take a look at my stomach. Yes, have a look at yours.

I mean, we only watched the Lion King and his Fatboy Slim DVD.

I mean, what am I gonna do? What's gonna happen here?

I mean, where did you even meet him?

I mean, whether he's really into me.

I mean, you know, so you don't break both your hearts?

I mean, you must be bloody relaxed by now.

I mean, you've got to be realistic, we're no Edward and Mrs Simpson, but, yeah.

I mean, you've got your...

I might call it a day and head back to the barge. Coming?

I need a drink.

I need to find Big Suze. There's no answer at her room.

I need to see her immediately.

I need to talk to Sophie about the whole wedding.

I never knew you were into stuff like this.

I personally presided over an increase of close to 17%.

I probably shouldn't tell you.

I really don't feel comfortable about this, Jez.

I really don't feel like eating turkey, Jeremy. I'm full.

I really feel, since I'm eating turkey, you should eat some turkey.

I really need to get to a urinal, Mark.

I said, it's just you and me from here on in. Right?

I should keep a clear head.

I should pick your brains.

I shouldn't marry Sophie, I should call it off.

I snogged her at the JLB conference.

I sometimes wonder what I'm doing with Mark. Getting married.

I suppose I could... run away.

I suppose I thought that...

I suppose that's what I want to ask you today, if anything.

I suppose you're right. Plus, maybe burning stuff is, not normal,

I take it all back. There. Normal! We're back to normal.

I theme my jams, it makes them more fun.

I think anything on the wedding day is a jilting.

I think I mentioned I'll be heading off late Saturday night.

I think I might divorce her, see how she likes that.

I think I've cracked it, Alan.

I think it's important I clear the air about me cheating on you.

I think she's... Iovely.

I think we should leave a note and get the fuck out.

I think you're right.

I think... I think I'm gonna call it off, Jez.

I thought for a minute you were gonna ask me!

I thought it gave him a bit of edge. Thinking of cropping the hair, too.

I thought you liked the beard.

I thought you might get a kick out of them.

I thought you might like this.

I thought you were just a man in a shirt, sitting on a chair.

I thought you weren't working here any more.

I tried to rent out her sexual organs on a one use basis.

I understand you might be able to back up Jeremy's story about the...

I wanna take your bishop and grind you down.

I want it.

I want to make you a real life indecent proposal.

I want to sleep with your girlfriend, Jeremy,

I want you both to relax. This is just a safe place

I want you to have fun with these. Don't sweat it, go mental.

I was just kneeling.

I was just passing through... Kettering and I thought,

I was looking forward to having some fun.

I was nice to you,

I was shocked when you called Kathy a knucklehead.

I was showing Jeremy some techniques.

I was supposed to hang out with these Belgian nuns

I was telling them it doesn't matter what they say tonight,

I was thinking that was probably one of the best days of my life.

I wasn't hiding, Sophie. It was a stag thing and it really, really worked.

I wondered if you'd listen to my track.

I'd be the Maharaja, you'd be my white concubine.

I'd just be sitting around with Soph. I can see her any time.

I'd let you drink my piss.

I'd like to watch!

I'd love to, it's just I've got a session booked with Matt, and...

I'd probably get a record deal just because I've been to Carnaby Street.

I'd rather you came clean now than start something that's not right

I'd say, um...

I'd say...

I'll be the coolest man in India.

I'll cover the cost.

I'll explain them to you some time over a beer. See you Friday.

I'll just say I'm working here, cleaning.

I'll keep your room just the same like if you'd died.

I'll leave the details up to you.

I'll see you at the office.

I'll take it. But you know what? This means nothing to me.

I'll take it. But you know what? This means nothing to me.

I'll take this to the Citizens Advice Bureau.

I'll tell her.

I'm a better black man than he is.

I'm a friend of Bob's mate, Kev,

I'm a human being, Jeremy.

I'm about to walk into a boardroom gangbang

I'm always forgetting that. It is so weird that we got married.

I'm Aurora and this is my sister, Lucy.

I'm coming to London.

I'm concerned about this arrangement.

I'm depressed.

I'm down with that. What's Johnson done for black people lately?

I'm eating chips and mayonnaise. I'm on the edge.

I'm fine in the utility area, got it all set up.

I'm full of Diet Coke here, man.

I'm getting a whole new view of life. The other side of the potato

I'm giving the presentation tomorrow. Johnson is here at three.

I'm going away to get my head together.

I'm going to the loo. I can have a look at it

I'm gonna go and read Roy Jenkins on Winston Churchill.

I'm gonna puke again, Jez, pull over.

I'm here to party, man.

I'm in the pub putting the hours in with the dad,

I'm just bored, OK!

I'm just getting going. Couldn't let them get away, could we?

I'm just joining a gym

I'm just not really that into you.

I'm looking for an associate who can help me staff up.

I'm looking forward to it, that's the line.

I'm making you the last breakfast.

I'm not bargaining with you.

I'm not giving up that easily.

I'm not judging. It's an ideas party,

I'm not really sure I want to get married.

I'm not sick but I'm not well

I'm not sick but I'm not well

I'm not sick, but I'm not well

I'm not sick, but I'm not well

I'm not sick, but I'm not well

I'm not trying to kiss you. It's liquid waste.

I'm ordering you to stop!

I'm planning to unleash Project Zeus.

I'm pulling an all nighter with Gerrard.

I'm really into judo at the moment

I'm running underground with the moles

I'm running underground with the moles

I'm running underground with the moles

I'm running underground with the moles

I'm running underground with the moles

I'm running underground with the moles Digging holes.

I'm serious. Fuck a chicken, if that's what it takes.

I'm so glad I didn't attend almost any of it.

I'm so pathetic that as soon as you ordered me to piss myself, I started the procedure.

I'm sorry, but no.

I'm sorry, Jez.

I'm sorry, Sophie, that wasn't true.

I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do, is there?

I'm sorry?

I'm sorry.

I'm spying on her and...

I'm stagging you. I'm stagging you by the back door.

I'm such a cock ring. I drove Nancy away,

I'm sure Jeremy's got plenty of his own techniques.

I'm taking Jamie to Guildford. There's this gig in a pub,

I'm the fluffer. I'm going home, Mark.

I'm too sexy for my love...

I'm very sorry

I'm very sorry.

I'm wrestling with the biggest fucking decision of my life

I'm your best friend and I know you don't wanna hear it, but I love you.

I've allowed us a generous four hours to get to the church,

I've always wanted to come somewhere like this.

I've been thinking about what we discussed, and...

I've been very lucky and I like to spread that around.

I've been working very hard trying to...

I've booked us a canal boat near an Iron Age area.

I've got a message from Nancy on reception.

I've got a mucus build up in my ears...

I've got nothing. I've got fucking nothing here.

I've got the music, hold on, stop. I'll do the music.

I've got three pairs of trousers,

I've just been hurt too many times, you know.

I've never had to pay for it before

I've sent off for a chess set and I'll learn how to play,

If I roll in an hour late. Mark, this is Russell Orgazoid,

If I thought there was any chance of him actually doing it,

If integrating two departments is a nightmare,

If it hadn't been happening to me, it might have been funny.

If she promised she wasn't a Glenn Close type and happened to have

If we fail, you're junior, you take the bullet.

If we succeed, I'm going to be Charles and you'll be my Camilla.

If you and I had an evening together.

If you can't sum up your aims in the first line, they're too diffuse.

If you hadn't refused to pay for firelighters it would've gone by now.

If you just want to get onto your back to start off with.

If you knew your wife was cheating on you?

If you really can't hold it in, then you'll just have to... piss yourself.

If you shoot me, I'll shoot you straight back. You do realise that.

IMITATES FOG HORN

IMITATES FOGHORN

IMITATES FOGHORN

IMITATES SNORING

In business, Jeremy, every man has his price,

In corporate strategy.

In fact, I think it's probably time you took your leave, lan.

In that case... if you'll excuse me...

In the Mighty White with cigarettes, so that's all gone,

In the pool.

In this case there would be repercussions.

In your starched collar, I'm down below decks dancing a jig with the Poles

Is he gonna be OK?

Is it OK if Nancy uses the computer to redo her CV?

Is it something to do with history?

Is not nothing. You should try cleaning one of those mothers.

Is that all right?

Is that Big Suze?

Is that it? Where's the actual sustenance?

Is that so very different from hiring a solicitor

Is that? Nancy stayed?

Is this because of Nana's cottage?

Is this true?

Isn't that what you had in mind when you organised this thing?

It can't be moot, you can't have a moot wedding. You need to decide.

It certainly is

It could have been. I was careful to be sure that it could have been.

It does not sound like you're going to attack her.

It doesn't work, Soph.

It is, because you'd be putting your dick...

It is, I 'm won't be known as "Mark, the jilter" forever.

It looks weird!

It might not be bad to look like I've gone a tiny bit mad.

It must be amazing, London. What's it like down the King's Road?

It should take 45 minutes, I'm done in ten.

It sounds like I'm gonna attack her.

It was a breech of trust.

It was a joke, Suze. I'm hitting the reset button.

It was pretty well

It was so dark. So dark.

It was your idea to barbecue it.

It would be fun, the two of us doing something together.

It would be nice to get all spruced up to meet Mum and Dad.

It'll be all right, mate. You can still come round.

It'll be fine, just follow my lead.

It's a moot point. This wedding is moot!

It's about vibe, about kicking back, smoking a number,

It's all arranged, Jeremy, it's an arranged marriage.

It's all gonna come out! The whole disgusting mess!

It's all good, my friend. It's all good.

It's all my so called subconscious!

It's all right, Jez, use your woman as a human shield.

It's an ironical day out.

It's bad luck.

It's cool. I've got your back, dude.

It's cool. It's retro.

It's difficult to express both emotions at once.

It's done now. Were over the hump.

It's exactly the fucking same as clashing, all right? Take it off.

It's fine. I'll just chuck it in with all my other mouldering resentments.

It's from Matt Townsend.

It's full of crap no one has any use for.

It's going really well, actually.

It's gonna be a wonderful day. You'll be very happy.

It's good to have a look at it, now and again.

It's good to, it clears the pores after a workout.

It's got a bit of a head on, but I'm sure you'll see to that in a hurry.

It's got a Virgin Express, it's got a Gap, and a massive Cafe Nero.

It's great to have some down time working here,

It's her birthday. I'm going to pick the most savage ones and then post them to her.

It's in four weeks, Mark. It's going to happen.

It's just he did expect me to...

It's just really difficult for me, because I really like you.

It's just Tai Chi. Take a seat, I'll just power through.

It's just the bit of it that's actually a gym, that's going to be my gym.

It's just with the hiding.

It's just, as a matter of fact, I've had a bit of a think

It's just, I don't really want to do it.

It's like a prison yard in here.

It's like I've got a river of pain running through me,

It's like someone's inflating a balloon full of urine inside me,

It's like Titanic. You're upstairs

It's making you tense, nervous and unhappy.

It's massive, I'm really looking forward to it, all right, satisfied?

It's my plan for Project Zeus.

It's not a competition, Soph.

It's not funny, Mark. It's not funny at all.

It's not great, Jez, that's why.

It's not interesting.

It's not nothing. Making smoothies from a smoothie maker

It's not that easy, Soph. That was the Church of England marriage service,

It's not your fault, he gets like this.

It's not! It's just friendly!

It's possible I might find a way out.

It's probably shit, but you can smoke a joint and it might sound all right.

It's really nice to see you again.

It's so... romantic.

It's such a big commitment.

It's the mucus this side.

It's the perfect way to start our affair.

It's turkey. It's turkey leg.

It's two hours to Kettering, even in a Beemer.

It's what people do. Just get on with it.

It's yours. And Mark's. To do whatever you want with.

It's, you know, it's fine.

It's, you know, love.

Its neck?

Jamie doesn't shoot.

Jamie's not such a bad guy. Stay.

Jeff? You're going to Frankfurt with your ex?

Jeff...

Jeff... Listen, Jeff, your idea.

Jeremy, a carton of Mars Bar milk, a small bag of marijuana

Jeremy, both of us can't pace.

Jeremy, do not pull over, that's an order.

Jeremy, for God's sake! Foz, stop the car, stop the car, Foz, he's thrown my wallet out!

Jeremy, have you been eating my pizza?

Jeremy, he's by my cummerbund. Pull over immediately!

Jeremy, is that post? Are you doodling on my post?

Jeremy, please tell me that nothing's going on there.

Jeremy, please, don't smile like that.

Jeremy, that is so you.

Jeremy, there are many things I would do to help you,

Jeremy, we are going to see Sophie.

Jeremy, what the hell are you doing here?

Jeremy, what's going on? Squash rackets are not a normal form of remuneration.

Jeremy, you need chemical castration, you're out of control.

Jeremy, you promised you'd play with apparent enthusiasm.

Jeremy, you tried to sell my body to another man for private gain.

Jeremy, you've dropped your bag.

Jeremy! Last one to lunch at the Lamb and Flag in Garsington is a loser.

Jeremy. Where's Eva?

Jeremy. Yeah.

Jeremy's been wanking off this bloke for cash.

Jesus! Well, let's stop here, then, and go for a drink.

Jesus.

Jez and Mark.

Jez has offered to do the shopping run and no one else is fit to drive.

Jez, I need to have a look over your speech.

Jez, I'm delighted about you and Jamie. He hasn't had a proper friend since he was 13.

Jez, I'm gonna puke, where do you want me to do it?

Jez, I'm not going to get back with you,

Jez, it's Mummy. We're not just leaving her!

Jez, it's ten in the morning!

Jez, this is Foz and Sally. Jeremy.

Jez, what's Orgazoid's... Russell's address?

Jez...

Johnson will be here around three, so I want to pull together your work

Johnson!

Johnson.

Just a jumper Russell got for me.

Just doodles, a logo,

Just finish it now.

Just lie around smoking dope

Just make sure you clean up the changing room toilets.

Just me walking about, basically.

Just say you never met me

Just say you never met me

Just say you never met me

Just say you never met me

Just say you never met me

Just some Blair resignation jam.

Just stop, all right. I'm gonna be sick, out of both ends.

Just tell her on the phone.

Just tell them the truth you're sorry, but you tried.

Just to fuck over people with iPods.

Just wanted to say, "Have fun." Tonight should be an idea zone.

Karen, could you ask Matt Townsend to come to my office immediately?

Keep up everybody.

Kill him.

Kind of like Jim Morrison or Russell Brand.

KNOCK AT DOOR

KNOCKING

KNOCKING

L I feel really very relaxed

L I will.

Lan, I just want to say

Last night you were in an emotional state.

Leave me alone.

Let him poke Dan in the eye.

Let it slide. So, what's the best bit of metal you've ever detected?

Let just say that nothing is going on there.

Let me have a go on the old gear stick. I'll take it up to fourth.

Let me in, I'm coming to London too.

Let me in, you bloody bastards!

Let me piss in that prayer bucket.

Let Super Hans keep retching till he's chundering fresh air.

Let's get the hell out of here.

Let's go and get you some sweet punani action.

Let's have a look.

Let's play another game.

Let's rocket all the way to the top. Can you take some more?

Let's roll, cowboy.

Let's sort this. What do you see in Johnson?

Let's talk about something proper, like films.

Like scrumping for apples.

Like the environment.

Listen, I've been thinking,

Listen, Jeremy, just get yourself to an internet cafe to cut and paste

Look, earlier, in the 4x4, I had an accident. I mean, the clutch on that thing...

Look, er, I'II... I'll e mail through my references, Malcolm.

Look, I am very sorry.

Look, I know it's corny,

Look, I picked up Music Of The Royal Tournament

Look, I'm going out, so...

Look, I'm sorry, Sally, I just don't know if I can do this.

Look, I've gotta get my pitch sorted before I see Malcolm.

Look, I've surprised you.

Look, Jez, it's my wedding day and you need to write a speech

Look, Jez, Nancy's bolted. She doesn't love you.

Look, no matter how unpalatable it may be, the fact is

Look, since we're going to be work colleagues now,

Look, Suze, being black isn't about the colour of your skin.

Look, the door's locked and...

Look, you could really... Some of it's going on Sophie, guys, please!

Love thy neighbour as thyself.

Lovely, clear air.

Luce, will you give me a hand looking for the secret bottle of voddie?

Lying in his various liquids?

Magical musical break up hospital?

Mainly about the catering.

Makes you look handsome, like a policeman.

Making your own sandwiches

Malcolm's headhunting for co manager of his Indian call centre.

Mar tin.

Mark, come on, what the hell's going on?

Mark, if anything did happen, how quickly could you up sticks, though?

Mark, if I can just get rid of the dog corpse,

Mark, if you don't love Sophie, you shouldn't marry her.

Mark, if you say it's done, it's done.

Mark, it's all right, we've got 45 minutes yet.

Mark, Jeff and I aren't going to fall into each other's arms in a pile of sauerkraut.

Mark, just fight him, he's not going to hurt you.

Mark, why are you saying this?

Mark, you remember Foz?

Mark, you're not full yet?

Mark! Is it Mark Corrigan?

Mark?

Mark?

Mark?

Marketing development group, me and Alan and Lisa and Jeff.

Massage. It's part of the warm down.

Matt, he...

Matt, violence never solved anything.

Maybe he'll become an ethical porn star.

Maybe I can sort it out.

Maybe I'll tell Nancy Matt's got Aids.

Maybe it's time I did something.

Maybe my life is just on the wrong track.

Maybe Sophie might be one of those women who...

Maybe that's why I feel so at home here. Ha.

Maybe we should look at human rights or global warming

Maybe we should talk about special goals you've got.

Maybe we shouldn't be in the credit business at all.

Maybe we'll have a wedding in a couple of weeks, but I'm on the edge, stress that.

Maybe with music, but not too jaunty. Melancholy music.

Maybe you could finger her for 300.

Maybe you could have her old Golf.

Maybe you should make that your last glass.

Maybe you should run away.

Maybe you should take that as a sign.

Me and Russell are just two guys having a nice time.

Me?

Me? Nothing.

Me? Oh, I'm I'm I'm feeling...

Me? Yeah, good.

Meet back in 20 minutes max, OK?

Men do and say horrible things.

Men!

Milk them till they're dead.

Miserable relationship and the truth is, I've got one of my own.

Mm hmm. Jamie, where's your gun?

Mmm hmm. Great.

Mmm, yeah, I know what you mean.

MOBILE BEEPS

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

MOBILE RINGS

Mum my! Come on, Jeremy!

Mummy is probably the turkey's nickname. It could easily be.

Mummy?

Mummy? Wow, doesn't your mum mind the dog being called?

Mummy...

Mummy's just had lots of lovely babies, haven't you?

MUSIC: Happy Birthday by Altered Images

My aims are not too fucking diffuse, OK?

My apologies. But I'm sure we can straighten this out.

My balls are on the line here.

My dad literally congratulated me, Jez.

My dad's just in town, he wants me to move back to the States.

My goals?

My place is going to shit since I split up with my ex.

My shoe, my wedding shoe! First my hat and now my shoe.

Myriad factors, I can't just think off the top of my head.

Nana's cottage?

Nancy told me she spoke to Matt at judo class and she's going to ask him out on a date.

Nancy wants to come to the wedding, we'll just nip over to Heathrow.

Nancy, don't have the melon. That's not good melon.

Nancy!

Nancy! No, Jez, I need to see Sophie.

Nancy's coming after all Super Hans is giving her a lift!

Naughty, slutty Mummy.

Nerves are perfectly natural, but everyone's arriving.

Never get older, that's all I'm saying.

Nice room. Here, have a drink.

Nice to meet you, Martin.

Nice to see you two getting on. What are you chinwagging about?

Night.

Nnn j j Nn j nn nnjl

Nnn j nn j j Nn j jn

No apology required.

No goals really, apart from

No mountain is that hard. It's just not realistic.

No need to rub it in, Nance.

No one wanted to drop the bomb on Hiroshima,

No teas for the Beastmaster, thanks. He feasts on the blood of his prey.

No, at the altar. "He jilted her at the altar."

No, but the thing is, I really like you too

No, don't shoot it. God!

No, dude, thanks for letting me know.

No, feeling pretty good.

No, God, something else, but you've got to promise not to be angry.

No, I don't think so, mate.

No, I don't want it. All right?

No, I haven't. It's not...

No, I wouldn't.

No, I'm afraid to say this could put a great deal of strain on the whole relationship.

No, it's fine. I mean, if I wasn't here

No, it's just at home I have a system.

No, it's new. I'm wearing it in.

No, Jeremy, it's not my turkey.

No, Jeremy!

No, Jez, it's blue, put something else.

No, Jez. If you drank my piss I'd feel violated.

No, just lie.

No, just practising.

No, look, really, they're eating, we're drinking.

No, look, Suze. Sorry.

No, no need for new stuff.

No, no, because of distortion. There was probably a buzz.

No, no, no, you can't move.

No, no, no, you did not mention it.

No, no. I made a joke about Lech Walesa, she took offence,

No, not because you're win... I don't even know who's winning!

No, of course not.

No, of course not.

No, OK, sorry.

No, really, I mean it. I like you.

No, she can't ever know.

No, she did...

No, sure. Maybe a bit of oral, but I could never really enjoy it.

No, Suze, I really don't think l l I really have time,

No, the coin has spoken.

No, we need to call the warder.

No, we're not. You tried to make me a hooker.

No, yeah, I'm sure.

No, you need me to do the alarms.

No.

No.

No. I don't particularly want to go to that place right now, if I'm honest.

No. No, not really. No, we were really hungry.

No. Not that I can think of.

None of the party powder either.

Not a lot in here, Mark, apart from a couple of moths.

Not applying for a Nectar card.

Not every window.

Not for a bit.

Not for a bit.

Not really. I'm...

Not really. Matt spent the whole evening looking past me.

Not that.

Not that. That sounded good at 3am when we were high on Diet Coke.

Not with him, it's work, Mark

Not yet, why?

Nothing is going on there.

Nothing this bad could ever happen in reality.

Nothing, Gerrard, you prick!

Nothing! It's just turkey, look.

Nothing! Jesus! A squash racket.

Nothing's happening.

Now do you see? That's how I feel.

Now will you go back out with me?

Now, come on Mark, just get it. Get it, get it...

Obviously there's some tiny doubts.

Of course I'm bloody not, I'm cleaning, you arsehole.

Of course I'm not.

Of performers at JLB for the last three financial years in a row, so...

Of the Project Zeus work group.

Oh shit! That'll be Sophie, looking for nookie.

Oh, "Piss yourself. Stop pissing yourself." The floodgates are open.

Oh, a barbecue. Yum. Have you got any left?

Oh, apart from the British Kidney Foundation guy with the stickers.

Oh, come on, let's get out of here.

Oh, come on, Mark!

Oh, come on, please.

Oh, cool. It's got a Pret,

Oh, Dad, don't go one about it. It was horrible.

Oh, do you not believe in...

Oh, don't worry, that's fine. It was funny... probably...

Oh, er, Mark and I had a... barbecue.

Oh, er... yes, erm...

Oh, fine. Super Hans tried to sexually assault me a couple of times,

Oh, God, look at it, Jez. Look at all the wedding stuff.

Oh, God, no, I'm... over the moon.

Oh, God, no. Mum's dead.

Oh, God! I don't know what I'd do if I lost her!

Oh, great, a whole evening.

Oh, great! So we've got no fire, no spade. We'll just have to dig with our hands.

Oh, here we go. Dad's back.

Oh, hi, Jez. Nancy.

Oh, I fucking hate this track. It's brilliant. Come on, saucepot.

Oh, I get it. You're just another dirty dog like everyone else.

Oh, I just... really appreciate the male form.

Oh, it is looking so good, Alan.

Oh, Jez, don't look like that!

Oh, just hanging out in the gym, you know. Pushing for the burn.

Oh, just metal.

Oh, man, my job is the nuts!

Oh, Mark, Nana's house, it's all ours!

Oh, Mark. You've pulled its bloody head off.

Oh, Mum!

Oh, my God, he never!

Oh, my God, you didn't! You fucked her!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Nancy! I didn't know you were...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Guess what?

Oh, Nance, he's a pool pooer. You know what that means?

Oh, naughty.

Oh, no reason. I mean, I love kids. Not in a bad way, in a nice way.

Oh, no, I'm a complete beginner so...

Oh, no, no, I shower at home.

Oh, no, poor Dan.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Cancelling the wedding on the day is one thing,

Oh, one of Super Hans's quite menacing friends started burning faces

Oh, pretty terrible.

Oh, right now we're called Various Artists

Oh, right, and did he?

Oh, right, Blair, yeah. I see, nice.

Oh, right, OK.

Oh, right, that. Shit.

Oh, right, yeah.

Oh, right! Brilliant! You've killed Mummy!

Oh, right.

Oh, right.

Oh, right.

Oh, right.

Oh, right.

Oh, right. I mean, you've been as high as it's possible to go.

Oh, right. Listen, Mark, I'm gonna have to miss it, I'm sorry.

Oh, right. This is sort of like a disgusting version of The Great Egg Race!

Oh, right. Well, I'd love to.

Oh, shit, I forgot we got married.

Oh, shit, Nancy's in the bog.

Oh, shit, shit! Oh, my god! This has gotta be a dream.

Oh, shit! Come on!

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. That's disgusting.

Oh, sorry to keep you, Mr Corrigan.

Oh, thank you very much.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, thanks, Dad. 'God, this old thing.'

Oh, that is great.

Oh, that. When I was shaving, I sort of slipped,

Oh, that's a shame.

Oh, that's horrible. Who sent you that?

Oh, that's nice. I'll tell her that.

Oh, that's nice. Thanks, Jez. You're pretty hot, too.

Oh, that's nice. Thanks, man.

Oh, the new look.

Oh, these are nice. Try these on.

Oh, this is lovely. Thank you.

Oh, trust me, these babies run on anything.

Oh, we've only got cheese and humus.

Oh, well, I thought you knew. Well, you do now, so...

Oh, well, that would be...

Oh, well, that's... nice. That...

Oh, yeah, he's on the dry heaves, so the upholstery should be fine.

Oh, yeah, it was Ramadan at his place today, but he's no Muslim.

Oh, yeah, like a shot.

Oh, yeah, that's really gonna break his balls,

Oh, yeah? What about this? Is that real enough for you?

Oh, yeah. Cranking it at the IMAX. Don't I know it(!)

Oh, yeah. The stag aquatic.

Oh, you bloody bastards! Stop!

Oh, you're a great guy. You're a fucking great guy.

Oh, you're a piece of work!

Oh! Right. Are there?

Oh! Right. I'll have a think.

Oh. Cheers, Russell. Yeah, maybe I will.

Oh. Right.

Oh. She went to chill out in the flotation tank.

Oh. That's a shame.

Oh. Yeah.

Oh. Yeah. They're eating.

Oh... Yeah, kind of.

OK, and why don't I invite Matt? Double date.

OK, and why don't I invite Matt? Double date.

OK, fine, man, but first I can't go on any longer, my bladder, I'm busting.

OK, great!

OK, here we go. Remember, tight against the shoulder.

OK, I promise. Release the gold.

Ok, I'll do conservative icebreaker. Met at college material,

OK, I'll have a word with Matt.

OK, I'm gonna creep up to the bucket.

OK, I've got two bits of bad news, one affecting me,

OK, if Sally was sitting here now

OK, it's a deal.

OK, Mark is now going to take you through the detail of Project Zeus.

OK, now is the time for you to know the meaning of Project Zeus.

OK, right. That is maybe a sign that everything isn't totally groovy.

OK, see you boys later.

OK, so I thought I'd start with, "I will now do my best to give Mark

OK, sure, and I'm not a love rat

OK, sure, fine, if it will make you feel any better.

OK, thanks.

OK, that sounds good. What sort of affair were you thinking of?

OK, that's an interesting story.

OK, that's fine, no biggie.

OK, we're safe up here.

OK, well I'll leave you two together.

OK, well, great chatting to you, Sally.

OK, yeah

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK. Great.

OK. So, heads, I marry lifetime of potential grinding resentment.

OK. Well, actually, I did get off with her.

Old friend.

On the biggest hairy motherfucking business shit storm since Enron.

On the one hand, it's a really good job, but on the other,

On the treadmill at the end.

On the woman I may very well love.

One brown, one white. White's the pudding, yeah?

One of us would have to...

One thing you have left it pretty late, it will be a jilting.

Only joking.

Only joking.

Only the best personal trainer in south London,

Oooh.

Oops. Better be going, nice bumping into you.

Or a supergroup. Blair on guitar, Bono on vocals, Clinton on sax.

Or are you just going to bury them until they erupt as a massive stroke

Or blank him in the Post Office,

Or I'll be pretending to play

Or leasing a Spanish villa?

Or our wedding day. That was a happy memory, remember that? Wifey?

Or the good times? The Robin Williams DVD marathon.

Or whatever it is you do, and I'll make us some steaks.

Or you could just post something negative on the internet,

Our affair?

Out of pig iron in this country any more, yeah?

Out you lot go, I'm ramming Dan.

Ow!

Paranoia, paranoia

Paranoia, paranoia

Paranoia, paranoia

Paranoia, paranoia Everybody's coming to get me

Paranoia, paranoia Everybody's coming to get me

Paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to get me

Pay up or I shall make a disturbance.

Pay? Jeremy, is that from the internet?

Penny doesn't want to play. How about you, Mark?

Penny's probably been doing his curtains all day.

People have a wide range of emotional states.

People say it like it's a bad thing,

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

Pimp me out, Pimp My Ride there's a new climate.

Playing the ukulele with the rabbits and the squirrels.

Playing with my old outfit as The Orgazoid

Please, don't do this, this is my career.

Please, I need to make a good impression.

Please, no. Please, tell me no.

Plus a lot of umming and ahhing. So one day I turned round to him

Plus, obviously, Sophie mentioned on the phone

Poland isn't in the Third World, Nance. They don't live in huts.

Poland isn't in the Third World, Nance. They don't live in huts.

Poor Dan's going to wake up with his barn burned,

Poor, poor Dan. Poor old Dan.

Pr pretty positive.

Prayer bucket? There's no such thing as...

Pretended I was Thatcher and he was Heseltine and that I needed ousting.

Pretty big step up for you. You're a kind of a numbers droid.

Pretty cool bag. I'll show it to you later, if you want.

Pretty good, seven out of ten. Just keep hitting those key features.

Pretty much a clean bill of health.

Project Zeus, it's unworkable. What am I going to do?

Project Zeus?

Punish Dan.

Put the legs back on in the middle. Maybe it'll burn better.

Quite a long time

Ready for your big birthday surprise?

Really does that sort of thing, but I would, if you wanted.

Really? 45 minutes.

Really? God.

Really? I did not know that about you.

Really? Not even oral, or foot jobs or tromboning?

Reckon you can handle a 4x4?

Relax, fat boy. Now, come on, let's take it up a notch.

Relax, Mark, they like you.

Relax, Mark. We're relaxing.

Relax.

Relaxed.

Release the wheel.

Remember no one's ever actually finished it. Bye.

Remember? What you told me?

RETCHING

RETCHING

Right and who won Gore Vidal or Doctor Jonathan Miller?

Right, but this is just it? This is totally it?

Right, but you have had a lot of juice.

Right, God, no.

Right, God, no.

Right, I'm gonna beat your ass, Corrigan.

Right, no, I don't think so.

Right, not that! Well, what then?

Right, OK, the thing is, er, the thing...

Right, OK, you can stop the murmuring. Please stop murmuring.

Right, so me, hat and shoes. You, speech.

Right, so, listen, Mark, you must be so excited?

Right, sorry

Right, thank you.

Right, thanks, Jez.

Right, that's cool.

Right, this weekend, the JLB conference in Kettering.

Right, well, I'm gonna freshen up before I hit the road.

Right, well, thanks, guys, for coming to the first get together

Right, well, this I have got to see.

Right, yeah.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right. And yet you seem excited because?

Right. Aren't you two supposed to?

Right. Good to be prepared.

Right. I mean, I think it's kind of beautiful, I suppose.

Right. Nice.

Right. So where are you planning to find this

Right. Sorry, yes.

Right. The epigram that starts the stalker's manifesto.

Right. The upkeep must be a nightmare.

Right. Well, l l I mean...

Right. Yeah, that's good advice.

Running away from your problems,

S'pose

Said he's gonna buy me a condo and a boat.

Sales is going to get shit faced with Marketing.

Same shit, different day. I'll catch you up.

San Marcos! When there's a sushi bar right next door?

Say, Suze, do you like the films of Robert Redford?

Saying goodbye to his no claims bonus.

School reunion? That doesn't sound very you.

See how much money you earned this week.

See you at the church.

See you in London, Soph.

See you. >

Shall we go get some dinner?

Shame in a way, because I've always kind of wanted to poo in a pool.

She broke a sacred bond, sort of like a whore.

She clearly hates me.

She doesn't understand about not taking people's stuff.

SHE GIGGLES

SHE GIGGLES

She had all this jam...

She is a wild animal. You know, the call of the wild.

She might've become leader of a pack of foxes or...

She must come in soon.

She must've run off.

She never just runs off!

She really wants you to come.

She says they'll rip your cock off and stuff it in your mouth.

SHE SIGHS

SHE SIGHS

SHE SOBS

She started getting snitty about UK hip hop, so things just fell apart.

She won't know anyone except me.

She'll wheedle it all out! It'll take hours to break me down,

She's dragging me into the 21st century, with its meaningless logos

She's getting dangerously close to my web of lies.

She's gone.

She's hit the panic button.

She's not out of Hollyoaks! She probably had a ration book!

She's upstairs getting her hair done, why?

Shh, he can hear.

Shit, it's going out.

Shit, Jez, I don't think I can do it.

Shit!

Shit! >

Shit! Hide!

Shit! The last breakfast.

Shit! There's Mum and Dad. Maybe I should?

Shit. He's fucking followed me again.

Show Dan who the lord of the manor is around here. What do you think?

Show them all that I've got a job and a flat and a fiancee now

Since I took off after marrying Jez?

Sit down, Jez! Join the party!

Sleep with a man? For money?

So after we dump the shopping, do you wanna go for a little stroll?

So before we start the pitter patter of grey matter...

So come on, are you having second thoughts?

So come on, let's max out the engine a bit. Tear it up.

So come on, Mark, why haven't you told her yet?

So good to just get away.

So half an hour till the board roll in and I pitch this mother.

So have you got a girlfriend?

So how did it go down the pub? Make a good impression?

So how do you feel now the wedding's back on track?

So how's it going with Big Suze?

So I don't think you could sum up all the aims in one line.

So I guess neither of us are exactly the king, are we?

So I'd better stay a couple more nights till Mum's feeling OK.

So I'm not in a relationship right now.

So I've got together my last scraps of cash to give you

So instead of you facing up to your responsibilities,

So integrating Sales and Marketing Project Zeus!

So now I'm finally doing an English degree and I do a bit of cleaning to pay the bills.

So now she's finished with you, you're in love with her again?

So that you can bury the corpse of a dog you killed is not one of them.

So that's great you're in a band. What's it called?

So there is actually a perfectly valid excuse

So this is your flat?

So we'd be accessories to the crime,

So what have you been up to?

So what if I don't really love her.

So will you ask him now?

So you can have your squalid little night.

So you didn't fancy a night out with the team?

So you do know it's very low pay?

So you're in the credit racket?

So you've got a great canal boat.

So, are you gonna go and get it?

So, can I stop doing it?

So, finance, logistics, etc.

So, have you got any plans for the weekend?

So, have you got kids?

So, here we are, the House of Pain.

So, how do you know everyone?

So, how do you think I'm doing so far?

So, how's it going. Enjoy the party?

So, how's Project Zeus coming along?

So, I like your barn, lan.

So, I loved Outrageous.

So, I'm Jamie's bum boy? Is that it?

So, in that spirit, I was wondering, basically,

So, is that why... the beard?

So, Jez, do you think it would be all right if I...

So, listen, a weird question. I'm not sure if you're looking for work or what,

So, listen, a weird question. I'm not sure if you're looking for work or what,

So, listen, I've organised a trip to the safari park on Saturday with Sally and Foz.

So, looking forward to the wedding?

So, Nancy, did she not show up?

So, Soph, do you fancy coming along to my school reunion on Saturday?

So, text everyone... text everyone to tell them that.

So, there you are.

So, we've all been talking, me and Lisa and Katie and Jeff,

So, welcome to the Chapman homestead.

So, what are you going to do about that?

So, what do you reckon? Are you getting married or not?

So, what now? Back to the flat?

So, what you making, Mrs C?

So, what's new in your world?

So, when are you going to call it off?

So, you'd just... go?

So, you're going to need a team. I'll assign you some slave drones.

So?

So...

So...

So... Dan Walker's barn. Apparently it looks suspicious.

So... that's a great piece of real estate you got there.

SOBBING

SOBBING

Sod you all.

Some appropriate sentiments about me from the worldwide web, OK?

Some coffees and croissants and freshly squeezed OJ.

Sometimes, I wish I had the guts to say something.

Somewhere with flowers, coffee and sedatives, medical assistance.

Soph played it to me.

Soph, it's the wedding list. If some dupe wants to buy us

Sophie and Penny thought it might be nice

Sophie bought it for me, and I decided to wear it home. How funny.

Sophie couldn't ask me to turn down the opportunity of a lifetime!

Sophie has not called me once yet,

Sophie was unfaithful. She had an affair, with Jeremy.

Sophie's planning to join the gym.

Sophie's twigged something's not right and she's arranged for us

Sorry you have to be out here watching this.

Sorry, but we'd better get going.

Sorry, dude.

Sorry, I didn't think.

Sorry, Mark. Carry on. What were you saying?

Sorry?

Sorry?

Sorry?

Sorry?

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sort of borrowed Russell's house?

Sounds like a nice man.

Sounds like you want to pimp me out.

Spending all day eating bananas and fucking with Matt Townsend.

Spielberg, Lucas and the man who did The Usual Suspects.

Stick that up your dojo.

Still got the bag from the freshers fair, though.

Still, good to clear the air.

Still, if it's unwritten..

Still, try again tomorrow, she'll probably feel differently.

Stop it, Mark.

Stop moaning. We're out with a man who owns guns.

Stop the car!

Stop, Jeremy! It's going down the cracks.

Super Hans, it's my wedding day. I need to get into my bathroom.

Super Hans.

Sure, anything else?

Sure, yeah, I'm down with that.

Sure. Hello.

Sure. No sweat.

Sure. Yeah.

Surprise! Hello. It's me.

Suze came to the office to give me a piece of her mind,

Ta da!

Tails, I stay here, become a social outcast and turn my back

Take it off, take it off right now.

Teas, coffees for the huntsmen.

Technically. Mm hm. Yes.

TELEPHONE RINGS (Mark) Happy birthday.

Tell everyone. Come clean about you and Sophie.

Tell them you don't want to marry her.

Tell them... Tell them I'm doing a Stephen Fry. We're in Brussels.

Tell us the truth.

Than consider that maybe I might be right.

Thank you.

Thanks for that, Soph.

Thanks, honey.

Thanks, you're awesome, Jez.

Thanks. So, listen, can I get you a drink?

Thanks. Thanks, Jez. I'll see you at the reception.

That actually sounds fun! Unfortunately,

That actually takes balls.

That all goes.

That depends, not tiny windows like lavatory windows.

That I know that people can be very stupid and selfish,

That is a terrible thing to say.

That is definitely going to happen. Geldof's gonna shit.

That is not a good impression.

That is not so me.

That isn't why.

That our entire relationship can be reduced to an online speech template.

That sounds almost...

That sounds interesting. Why don't I take that?

That was a terrible, terrible thing to do. I am sorry.

That was before we stopped going out.

That was your basic programme

That would send out a pretty horrible message.

That'd be nice.

That'll teach him to put his dick where it's not wanted.

That's a hypothetical question. I don't answer hypothetical questions.

That's Alpine uphill.

That's because it's not a real job.

That's bullshit.

That's bullshit. I've got 73. Right. Shit, I need to sort this.

That's enough, Mark, all right? You can't talk to me like that!

That's Faizel Butt.

That's Foz. He used to sit behind me in French

That's great, thanks a lot.

That's just a bucket.

That's just table talk, that's not fit for public consumption.

That's just the normal ringing noise. That's normal.

That's me all right. 'Probably.'

That's my indecent proposal.

That's my new setup in Bangalore, a credit call centre.

That's my wedding breakfast.

That's not beyond the realms of possibility.

That's not how you should treat people. You should be nice.

That's not possible.

That's OK. I'm fine with that.

That's right, I've got brain cancer.

That's right.

That's serious shit. Work it, big man.

That's Terry Carpenter, one of the more sophisticated bullies.

That's very kind, Jez.

That's what I'm going to do, Mark. That's what you need.

That's what I'm going to tell her.

That's what I've got to go through that door

That's what life is supposed to be like, in case you've forgotten.

That's why I've booked you and me in for a presentation to the board.

That's... I'm impressed, Mark.

The bad news is it doesn't work.

The Beastie Boys fought and possibly died for my right to party, so...

The best man's speech, I need to fact check it.

The bin's for household waste, not beloved pets, et cetera!

The chess players, the musicians, the poor and the posh voiced.

The Dreyfus Affair or more like the Watergate Affair?

The finance projections, Katie? Jeff?

The gold standard of sugar bowls, I say milk them till they're dry.

The gorgeous blonde?

The hills, the trees, the rivers. They are my gym.

The hump! Our wedding the hump!

The lions aren't gonna eat you, Mark. Just nip and get it.

The man was responsible for the deaths of 60 million people.

The meaning of Project Zeus is, why can't Marketing be an arm of Sales?

The normallows, the Norman forces, our oppressors.

The one affecting me,

The one you wiped your arse on?

The other affecting you. Which do you want to hear first?

The Royal Mail! That's like burning a swan!

The safari park with that dickhead Foz?! Have you gone mental?

The sexual problems in your relationship.

The Snooker Club that used to be a public toilet?

The stag weekend of your dreams!

The truth is that I love Sophie very much,

The truth?

The truth?! Soph, this isn't an advert, this is real life

The vows you are about to take are to be made in the name of God,

The whole world isn't Zoo magazine.

The... The mooring costs alone...

Then I can have the one affecting you as dessert.

Then I now pronounce you, man and wife.

Then I went to Warwick, but I left after a term.

Then she made me make posters.

Then she'd say, "Sorry," and he'd say, "Why?"

Then this guy from security came up,

Then you stamped on Gerrard's foot.

There are strong arguments on both sides.

There are worse places to get trapped.

There aren't any lyrics.

There is an unwritten rule about drinking all the complimentary juice.

There it is, Dan's barn.

There might be an ancient Saxon coin right here.

There was that other thing.

There you go.

There, you see.

There'd be visa issues, endless complications.

There's a big pool of rusty water by the urinals and it turns my stomach.

There's a chance he might just laugh in your face and call you a slag.

There's a chance I still might get laid here.

There's a hell of a lot of steam.

There's a reason you're so sad for Dan, isn't there?

There's a... There's a dead beast in our bin, Jeremy!

There's an incinerator round the back of the gym.

There's blood all over me.

There's gotta be a catch. You're gonna be his drugs mule.

There's like six different alarms, but I'm just feeling a bit weird about the whole situation.

There's loads needs doing before he comes back, but I just feel a bit dirty, you know.

There's no chance of it being traced back to us now, though.

There's not gonna be any waves or mad shit?

There's not much else he can do in the real world.

There's nothing.

These are just ideas. But where's the humanity?

These are the key tasks for you to get done for my presentation.

They are a bit clumpy.

They ate Mummy! They burned Mummy, killed her and ate her!

They have these sandwiches but they don't come from shops,

They just might be too diffuse, that was all I was saying.

They make them themselves.

They say I did a poo in the pool?

They want it.

They were all a bunch of fakers.

They were going to a lap dancing place.

They're worth £14 each. I've only got three, and I'd like to give one to someone else.

Things are looking up. Right, the farewell breakfast.

This doesn't feel great.

This is a very complex business proposal,

This is going great. Things are going to happen.

This is it, it's just you and me from here on in.

This is it. I call it a flat, because I'm quite modest,

This is just a zip. There's no pocket to this zip.

This is just fuel for the engine, I'll burn this off on the treadmill in, like, a second.

This is like that dream I had about Alan Sugar and the badger.

This is Mark's flat and Jeremy's his servant.

This is my chance to be a proper human being.

This is my last poster. How did you get on?

This is not what I want. Fuck off, Jez!

This is probably the best thing to do.

This is so... Wow!

This is the law of the jungle, this is an eye for an eye.

This is the perfect excuse!

This is what you've done.

This is wrong, this is terribly wrong.

This is your stag.

This piece of paper says that I am fucked.

Thought she wasn't your type?

Thought she wasn't your type?

Thousands of reasons, but also, kind of none.

Time.

To e mail through my CV and then wow him with a big pitch.

To see a relationship counsellor.

To see if, with one big department, we can't...

To the Polefield School Reunion at a school disco club and...

Tonight is going, if a bit weird, extremely fucking well for us.

Tossing a coin might be the best available route open to me.

Try the Diana Memorial strawberry.

Trying not to die, and get in shape for my wedding.

Two guys get hard ons, they put melons on their dicks,

Two hours!

Two yards of ale, please. It's his stag.

Uh huh, I suppose so.

Uh huh.

Uh huh. Great.

Uh... no.

Um, well, he was giving me a massage

Um, why don't you put in a good word for me with Matt

Um, why don't you put in a good word for me with Matt

Um, yeah.

Um... 'Where's this going? '

Unless you think it's nice to murmur at someone who's... dying.

Us? Yeah?

VOMITS

WAILING

Wanking into a flannel,

Was not just amalgamating Sales and Marketing,

Wasn't the last one a bit... thin?

Watch a chicken fucking a horse.

Watch a DVD, eat some pizza, fuck each other.

We always normally do diesel.

We are not in the euro, Jeremy!

We both know you're not gonna marry Sophie today.

We both want it to happen.

We chatted, and you said, "Relax and take your time", so we thought,

We could form a couple of workgroups...

We could say he poos in the pool.

We do need more juice.

We don't make steam engines

We formed a sub strata, a secret society

We had a snog. I mean, these things happen, Penny.

We hang out, we fuck around on the PlayStation,

We have some Ben and Jerry's, that's how everyone makes their money now, yeah?

We haven't got anything. We've spent all night doing...

We need a clever plan. What word de Botton do?

We need them sweating facts and shitting stats till D Day. OK...

We need to get rid of Matt.

We should get together, have a drink, reminisce.

We think it'll set us back two or three years, which is cool.

We'd still be OK to go down there now, just.

We'll be friends. Like the friends on Friends.

We'll have to bury it. Get the spade.

We'll talk about why after you've taken it off.

We're canalists too. We love canalling.

We're going to Nancy's.

We're in it now and there's nothing you can do about it.

We're in the middle of the road.

We're interrupting. We should probably...

We're just making a little detour.

We're not, we're matching. That's the opposite of clashing.

Welcome to the world of work, Jeremy.

Well done, dude. You slacked off a bit

Well done, Mark, but you've only winged it.

Well I had to pretend that, even to myself.

Well, as it turns out...

Well, brilliant.

Well, here I am. In the country.

Well, I did see him throw a petrol bomb,

Well, I didn't actually see him, but I... I have my suspicions.

Well, I do like to be totally accurate.

Well, I just feel, I don't know, unfulfilled.

Well, I just wish I felt that comfortable.

Well, I may be many things, but at least I'm not a barn burner.

Well, I mean, I suppose you are sort of trying to...

Well, I suppose I should apologise for not letting you go and get her.

Well, I thought you might be angry.

Well, I want you to keep doing it, but I want you to do it because you want to do it.

Well, I was late in, the fridge was bare...

Well, I... The truth is...

Well, I'd have to pay for another opening joke.

Well, I'll just run out and get us

Well, in my eyes, I'm afraid she's been unfaithful.

Well, it's going a bit, just not the legs.

Well, it's really, really badly cooked. Mark couldn't be bothered to get firelighters.

Well, just keeping a handle on the purse strings there.

Well, no, cos the truth is, there is no speech.

Well, not really.

Well, not servant really. More of a...

Well, obviously it's not what either of us would ideally like to do.

Well, she did smile at me once, so I just caught her eye.

Well, she said she decided it wouldn't be so bad

Well, sorry, yeah, we did a bit.

Well, still, it's a shame, she's a great girl and she's like my best friend here.

Well, th this has been great, just a great...

Well, thank you.

Well, that seems perfectly normal. Sophie, how about you?

Well, that sounds amazing!

Well, that was... that was one to tell our grandchildren about.

Well, that's good, cos me and Soph,

Well, that's OK. If you prefer, you can just give me the keys and I'II...

Well, that's what you should do, then. You should bone him.

Well, the coin isn't the boss of me, Jeremy. And how I felt

Well, the vast majority, but there were some crumbs of comfort

Well, the world is my gym, too,

Well, they might be feeling pensive or full of hubris, melancholic, amused or just numb.

Well, what am I going to do?

Well, why not?! Jeremy, is this... Mummy?!

Well, yeah, I think we do.

Well, yeah, yeah, I suppose I have.

Well, yeah.

Well, yes.

Well, yes.

Well, you did basically arrange a wedding.

Well, you know, I'm his handyman.

Well, you need to get yourself mentally prepared, dude.

Well, you should be more careful, you jizz cock.

Well, you should have bloody thought. Jesus!

Well, you're becoming a pain in the arse. How do you like that?

Well, you're making a mistake, Suze.

Well... here's to being hot.

Were you praying just then?

Wh Wh What if the lions eat me?

What a brilliant joke!

What about all my fuck monkey stuff?

What about Eva? She doesn't have a boyfriend.

What about my piss? I really need to wee, Mark.

What about this?

What am I doing with my life?

What am I gonna do then? I can't hold on?

What are you doing?

What can I tell you, I'm no Ainsley Harriott.

What did he say?

What do you care? You'd be in the woods

What do you mean, that is so me?

What do you think of her... honestly?

What else are we gonna do? Freeze our nuts off talking to each other?

What happened with the beard? We didn't get a chance to speak.

What have we actually got? What will I present to the board?

What have you got? Have you got the logistics figures, Lisa?

What if we hit trouble?

What is it? Did you get off with her?

What is it? It doesn't look very much like...

What kind of a freak would do that? It'd screw his chances with Nancy.

What sort of man would grow an unwanted beard to order?

What the fuck are you doing here? Are you screwing Wankerthon's mate?

What the fuck? Why are you hiding behind a bush?

What the hell are we gonna talk about?

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell is it doing in our bin?!

What the hell made you think of that?

What was that? Trying to get him to poke me in the eye?

What with lan's mum passed away, we've got the Volvo and the Subaru.

What would you do if you were trapped in a loveless marriage?

What would you say if you felt that you weren't going to be judged?

What, Big Suze?

What, really?

What?

What?

What?

What? Let's not drag that up now.

What? No!

What? Shall I...

What? What the hell for?

What? Why?

What? You think the guys who invented Google watched Trumpton?

What? You're kidding!

What's a novel?

What's going on, Jeremy?

What's going on? Who's wanking who off?

What's in the bag?

What's on the piece of paper, Mark?

What's so bad about that?

What's that?

What's that?

What's this? "Mummy"?

What's wrong with us wearing the same clothes?

What's your answer, Jeremy?

What's your bad news?

Whatever! Divorce, annulled.

When are you gonna stop?

When exactly were you going to tell me about...

When he had sex with a prostitute

When it told me to marry makes me think I definitely shouldn't.

When, actually, I'll be keeping a rigorous note of every contribution.

Where cocks get chewed off and arses get stuffed with compliance reports

Where I'm going to listen to whatever you have to say.

Where is the humanity?

Where you borrowed my Hitchhiker's Guide and we both read it out in funny voices?

Where's Mark? What the hell are you doing here?

Where's Mummy?

Where's Nancy?

Where's the beef? Gerrard, we've got...

Wherever I lay my hat, pending legal searches, that's my home.

Which enabled me to rise to new challenges with ease.

Which is better?

Which proves I'm not a paedo.

Whip off your top and assume the position.

Who am I gonna go to the pub with?

Who find it difficult or or or even impossible

Who is judge of all and knows all the secrets of our hearts.

Who never went to university to work out the details.

Who to? One of your "friends"?

Who's gonna be dead within a month.

Who's gonna do the forms for, like, the TV and the gas and the water? Me?

Who's Matt Townsend?

Who's that? 'Is Russell back?

Why are you not coming, Nance? Too many memories?

Why couldn't you at least have said you'd fucked her, eh?

Why didn't you tell me about the wanking off bit?

Why do you want to get back with her? She was annoying you.

Why does everything good have to be some horrible arrangement?

Why don't we all go to the cinema?

Why not?

Why should I have to bloody get it?

Why still no lovely Nancy? Oh, fuck! Sophie!

Why the hell didn't you tell me about this earlier?

Why these persons may not lawfully marry to declare it now.

Why would you even want to drink my piss?!

Will you take Sophie Hortensia Chapman...

With a couple of yardies, whether maybe we could join you for a drink?

With Super Hans. So, that's nice.

Woah, shit, that's heavy. I'm sorry to hear that.

Would that have been so very hard?

Would you do one to him, please? Thanks.

Would you prefer a conservative icebreaker?

Wow!

Wow! Just to clarify, you do mean...

Wow.

Wow.

Yards. Really?

Yeah, amazing.

Yeah, and not even a good kind of fuck monkey.

Yeah, apart from that.

Yeah, but I thought it might be nice to go and, you know,

Yeah, but Nancy's gonna be there, probably in a lovely dress.

Yeah, exactly. Fuck off.

Yeah, get rid of Matt, Fast, before Nancy asks him out.

Yeah, I don't play by the rule book. What can I say?

Yeah, I was pretty pissed off about that,

Yeah, I wasn't sure if I was gonna make it cos of my job,

Yeah, I went the year before last.

Yeah, I work here now. Amazing coincidence, yeah?

Yeah, I'd just like to assure everyone that Mr Corrigan will indeed be dead in a month.

Yeah, I'm glad we've cleared the air.

Yeah, let's get Dan.

Yeah, right. Mr Freebie looking for a handout.

Yeah, seriously cunted.

Yeah, she says she's seen you looking at her and she thinks you're disgusting.

Yeah, sure, mate.

Yeah, take five, if you want. Swim a few lengths.

Yeah, take that, barny.

Yeah, that was a risque icebreaker.

Yeah, that's what I'm doing.

Yeah, the flat. That sounds lovely.

Yeah, there is something beautiful about the male member.

Yeah, this is Camilla.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, you need to decide cos I'm going for a piss.

Yeah, yeah, fine.

Yeah, yeah, I have.

Yeah?

Yeah? Come on, tiger, let's roar!

Yeah? Why?

Yeah? Will you be OK? There's always the bathroom floor.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. As it turns out, dogs do seem to be mostly water.

Yeah. I let her out for a piss.

Yeah. It's good to have a friend.

Yeah. She says you stare at her like a sex offender.

Yeah. So I have.

Yeah. That wasn't actually that funny, was it? Have you got a copy?

Yeah... I forget, are you... Sally? Good to see you.

Yep, fine. Sure.

Yep, just relax and take your time, OK?

Yep, see you there... here, then.

Yep.

Yep. Everything all right?

Yep. Good. Got rid of all of mine, too.

Yep. So listen, what can I get you two?

Yes, but I've developed a portfolio of skills over the last three years,

Yes, but it's not like that, it's from a Hollywood film.

Yes, could work.

Yes, exactly, best of three.

Yes, he has gone like a bit of a maniac.

Yes, he said he loves to do that.

Yes, I do, sir.

Yes, I guess this is a pretty funny story.

Yes, I'm fine.

Yes, it's fine. Just monitoring stomach acid levels.

Yes, it's suffering.

Yes, it's very sophisticated. It's your move.

Yes, of course. OK, so final analysis,

Yes, one of my friends, or I might need one for emergencies.

Yes, piss yourself.

Yes, sure. From one perspective.

Yes, that sounds perfect. Now, can we please get going?

Yes, that's my... racket.

Yes, that's what I've actually been thinking.

Yes, the other thing.

Yes, well, can I please just see it?

Yes, why don't you piss off up to bed

Yes, will you marry me?

Yes?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Sometimes I feel like I could do with a friend out here.

Yes. Well, as you're always saying,

You back stabbing little shits.

You big fox hunting, badger baiting tweed shirt bumfuck homophobe?

You can go and look at the Iron Age,

You can so tell this game is over a thousand years old.

You can't bring up pub talk in the cold light of day.

You can't hide there forever.

You can't say you're going to bed at nine in the evening.

You can't treat me like this, Johnson. You owe me.

You can't. There are two of them, there has to be two of us.

You cocksucker! You bullshit, wanker!

You could always come! You could start again, find a new career.

You could come and see us and Jamie.

You could have had my legs off, you piss kidney.

You did say, "Relax and take your time."

You do know who that is, don't you?

You don't just declare war, Jeremy.

You don't really love Sophie? >

You don't sound over the moon?

You don't use doors?

You don't want a fat lap dancer, do you?

You either love her or you don't.

You found a blanket under the garage door

You gave him a hand?

You have a property of which I wish to make a use.

You have got a bit left, I can see.

You have to clean toilets, and pull hair out of the plug holes.

You haven't got over her going off with Johnson?

You haven't written very much, have you?

You helped him out by... giving him a hand?

You just seem to spend so much time in the gym,

You know how depressed you are about getting married?

You know how I get after the pub, like when I ordered the Abdominiser.

You know me, I don't have a type. If it moves, I'll try and hump it.

You know not... not really.

You know what this piece of paper says, Jeremy?

You know what, I'd probably just leave it.

You know what, I'm glad.

You know what, you should just go in there and tell the truth.

You know, from mixing the two measurement systems,

You know, get some sleep in the utility area.

You know, I haven't even really had sex since you left.

You know, I'm the first white English person on the cleaning staff.

You know, you do smell really quite strongly of piss.

You know, you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.

You like it, don't you?

You look different from your photo. Is the beard new?

You lovely bastard! This is dynamite!

You may kiss the bride.

You mean, apart from his mentoring and his community work?

You might get an interdenominational...

You might slip another one or two in just to get your average up.

You must have listened to my track by now?

You need some options now things are going down the shitter with Sophie.

You need the love, Mark.

You prime the press, you square the UN, you make up your reasons.

You probably don't want to, I just thought I'd check.

You really are a filthy little perv, aren't you?

You said she should knuckle down or you'd knuckle her fat head.

You said you were on the dry heaves. That was a wetty.

You say you never met me

You see. Mmmm, just... undercooked, disgusting turkey.

You seem to love it so much, I was thinking maybe I might join.

You shitty, faithless, backstabbing beauty.

You should be angry with. Not...

You should have thought about that when you were touching his cock.

You should join up too. You get a free pen.

You should sum up your aims in the first line.

You shouldn't need firelighters to burn a dog, Jeremy!

You two had an affair.

You wanker, Corrigan!

You want me to send all that to everyone?

You will not be informed of the meaning until the time is right.

You wouldn't even let me drink your piss.

You wouldn't just make this up, would you, to try and keep me happy?

You wouldn't let me drink your piss?

You, Mark, are greedy little f...

You'd rather get married for the whole of your life

You'll get us killed for the sake of your legacy. Stop it!

You'll have to be sick in this we're on a schedule.

You'll have to excuse Mummy.

You'll see that my hobbies include history and going to the movies.

You'll stay here with me. I don't make you tense, nervous or unhappy.

You're a bloody good guy. You're a great guy. Isn't he a good guy?

You're a love rat. One hour isn't gonna make any fucking difference.

You're actually marrying Sophie and leaving me on my own.

You're allowed a freebie on the stag, like Pedge in Estonia.

You're attractive. You're a hottie, Soph. You're hot.

You're being a real dick about this, aren't you?

You're chucking his daughter, I've screwed his wife.

You're disgusting!

You're following Johnson and Big Suze!

You're going to end up fat like a house.

You're gonna be married to Sophie for the rest of your life.

You're gonna sit there and talk about something funny

You're here. I thought you'd be down at the Orgazoid's.

You're kidding? You've got... nothing?

You're my best friend and you copped off with my fiancee?

You're not fucking Blair.

You're not James Bond. You're disgusting.

You're not just saying this,

You're obviously very attractive too.

You're obviously very talented but I should just get on with this.

You're pathetic, Corrigan. Do you know that?

You're really doing this, aren't you, you maniac?

You're sort of part of the family now.

You're telling me to piss myself?

You're the first people to talk to us all night.

You're the man who's going to marry my Sophie?

You're The Orgazoid?! Oh, my God! You're the...!

You're very welcome to try.

You're wear... Why are you wearing that?

You're worried about the caterers, aren't you? Not everyone will go for the tuna.

You've combined metric and imperial.

You've come here to talk about the wedding because of a drunken snog?

You've got this wedding coming up. How are you both feeling?

You've ground down my sense of self worth over the years.

You've seen on reality TV, and stop going on and on about the euro.

Your first two CDs, I know every track.

Your sheath?

Your track. "This is outrageous"

Yours.

Yup, yeah, a very exciting day.

Yup. Lovely clean Nancy all over our filthy, horrible sofa.

Yup. Sit down, I'm making toast.

28.

31 Bishop's Avenue.

60 million? That's more than Stalin, isn't it?

"Bye." Sophie.

"Hi, Mark, how are you doing?" Oh, good. Good, thanks.

"See you tomorrow in the office." OK, then. See you.

(Jez) Foz? (Foz) Where's Sally?

(Jez) Foz? (Foz) Where's Sally?

(Lucy) Any luck? No. Still nothing.

(Mark) Alan! Hi, guys.

A cream cracker and a Ryvita? Bit the same.

a recent clean Aids certificate? Yes.

A system? Yeah, it's complicated.

All right, keep your voice down. A dead dog in our bin!

and pitch to the JLB board in ten minutes. Shit.

Another one? It's important!

Are you boasting, Corrigan? No! I mean, maybe a bit.

Are you doing it already? Yes, I'm doing it already.

Are you embarrassed that we're... No, not that. Just... we're clashing.

Are you sure she was with us? She was on the back seat!

Are you sure you want to do this, Mark? Of course I want to do this. This is great.

below the radar of the norms. The norms?

But they don't go with your new look. 'I'm a bearded concubine.'

Christ. Exactly!

Come on, Jez. I really don't think it's a good...

Cos it might've been micro chipped. Exactly. No.

Couldn't she come? Oh, no, there...

Cranium? The truth game.

Do you even want to know? I'd better.

Do you mind? No, sure, of course not.

Do you really think? Of course.

Do you think we're a good couple? 'Uh oh.'

Do you want me to stop? No, no, no, you go ahead

Don't be ridiculous. This is you all over.

Don't be ridiculous. This is you all over.

Floor it. I am fucking flooring it.

Foz and I are married now. Oh, right. Great.

Getting married? Congratulations. Thanks.

Give that back! Oops! Butter fingers!

God, Jeremy, this place is disgusting. I know.

God, that's... I mean, not really an actual affair.

Good? Mmm, very good. I mean, I've got a girlfriend.

Goodbye, Jeremy. Don't go.

Great to meet you. The feeling's mutual.

Guess what, Jez. What?

Hairs? It's just a hairy turkey!

Hey, man. All right?

Hey, Nancy! Hey, Jez.

Hi, Daddy. Hello, sweetheart.

Hi, honey, I'm home. And good luck with Midnight's Children.

Hi, honey, you're home! Hi, Jez.

Hi, Nancy. Jeremy

How has this happened? There's no point shouting about it.

I am getting married to you, OK? Yes, sure

I can't stop. Stop.

I didn't. Yes, you did.

I don't understand. Because... Because it's true.

I don't wanna play any more. Because I'm winning?

I just like him. Come on, is it because he's black?

I just need to see her. You can't see the bride!

I like going to the movies. 'Of course you do. Everyone does.

I told Matt I don't want to marry her. Oh.

I will. 'Oh.'

I'm a woman. Indeed.

I'm doing a gig, actually. Oh, right.

I'm excited. I'm kind of excited too.

I'm gonna go to bed. You're not going anywhere.

I'm not allowed. 'Don't ask why. Don't ask, don't tell.'

I'm sorry? Mark Wankerthon, you remember?

Is this what it's come to? Yes, and do it quietly.

Jeez! Sorry to be the messenger. Don't shoot me!

Jeremy? Mark?

Jeremy. Hi!

Jeremy. Johnson.

Jeremy. What the hell are?

Jez, wrong way, mate. Oh, it's a short cut.

Just bring your laptop along, dude. But, Alan...

Just the two of us? Yeah.

Let's go and give Sophie a nice timely jilting. Thank you.

Let's go and say hello. No, let's definitely not.

Light it. (Mark) 'Well, this is not what I expected.

Like what? There you go.

Mark? Soph.

Mark. Matt.

Mmm hmm. Yes. What did you like about it?

Morning, shipmate. Jeremy, what the hell is going on?

Mummy! Hello, darling.

Mummy! Mummy!

Mummy! Mummy...

My computer? Your computer, the computer, whatever.

Nancy! Hi, Jeremy.

No, course not. Oh, this is sweet.

No, I didn't. Yes, you did.

No, I'm not getting married. You're over ruling the coin?

No, thanks. Here, eat some turkey.

No, why? Because I'm a dirty dog, all right.

No! What?

No? Of course not!

No. Can I water ski off the back?

Oh? Yeah.

Oh. Is that not... No, you've got to finish it off.

OK. Listen, I did have a little look,

Really? Well...

Really? Yeah.

Really? Yes.

Right. So? There's a chance,

Sally! 'I've definitely hit a new low.'

Snore. What?

Sophie's dad's coming! Shit! Hide.

Sorry, I didn't see you. You were looking straight at me.

Sorry? I said it's just you and me from...

Stop the car, Foz, it's Mark's wallet! All right!

Suze, I really... Shh.

Suze, what's he doing here? We're in a relationship, Jez.

Tell the truth. The truth...

That was an accident. It wasn't.

That's Sophie's mother! She's hot.

There are a lot of factors. Like what?

to attain... to to achieve... No, I'm definitely not one of those.

Unfilled? Unfulfilled.

We were both very drunk. Mark, a snog is not an affair.

Well, you do now, so... Right

What are you going to wear for my birthday? Um, some of my clothes.

What are you writing? Just a proposal, so...

What do you mean? It's fun. We eat breakfast off each other.

What spade? You didn't bring a spade?

What the? It's Eva in the flotation tank!

What thing? Frankfurt,

What was it, dude? Pizza from San Marcos.

What? I'm not going to beat around the bush.

What? I've got a reason,

What? Of us, of our wedding, when we got married.

What? Oh, come on, mate.

What? That, the smutty smile.

What? No. That's what you said.

What? Why? I need to think. I can't talk to the dad.

What's that on it? Urgh! There's hairs on it, Jeremy!

Where? Who with? Just to a nightclub.

Why? He mentioned to me that he likes to do that.

Why? Just give it to me.

Why? Something massive has come up.

Yeah, I know. Well, why didn't you say?

Yeah? Yes.

Yes, I do like it. Try this.

Yes, you do. Not to nearly the same extent.

You are joking? I don't seem to have any other ideas.

You can't. Let me through. What do you want?

You said it was voluntary. It's not.

You see. Nevertheless...

You should go and get it. I'm not gonna get it.

You're going to do something disruptive. No, no, God, no... Maybe.

... I'll go get the pizzas.

...and forsaking all others be faithful to her

...And so, in a sense, Sophie and Mark, here before us,

...as long as you both shall live?

...funding implications?

...item found in the pool.

...often, Mark, you ejaculate...

...there were... there are certain additional duties which I was expected to perform.

...touched my penis.

...wanking over her.

'4x4! Piece of piss! Probably.'

'a liberated, sexually adventurous, urban woman.'

'a prostitute... just for the night?

'A twisted firestarter

'Ah! Jenkins on Churchill, she is the perfect woman.'

'AII I'm doing is scrolling up and down this useless document,

'AIone? Check.

'AIready given a quid to Greenpeace this year, so I'm golden.'

'AIthough maybe screwing each other will make it weirdly better.'

'AIthough probably not, because I know when you're busy

'AIthough that wouldn't bother me too much.

'Am I actually going to piss on the church?

'Am I evil? I don't feel evil.

'Am I really gonna get married?

'An endless, joyless fuck session.'

'and a sincere desire to spend time with me.'

'and about the European constitution,

'and all I have to do is enter a loveless husk of a marriage.'

'and broken in front of her family.'

'and by God, I think I'm right about the congestion charge.'

'And by the morning, the weird feeling

'and get married in judo suits and I'll cut the cake with my hand.

'and he never empties the bin.

'and I basically only sleep with women.'

'and I like Sophie more than them, in most respects

'and I'm stuck in the engine room

'and I'm very much a 21st century Lennon.'

'and I've got stupid fashionable hair all over my face.'

'And I've got your hairy plums in the palm of my hand.'

'and pretend I'm data entering for Ml6.'

'and screwed each other.'

'and Sophie will never forgive me for telling him.

'and that's when I always ring you.'

'And the fact that I don't really love you.'

'and they've realised I was right about North Korea,

'and this is all being paid for by MTV and the Playboy channel.'

'and you can wheel me out for a fuck. No, thank you! '

'And, quite possibly, the man of your dreams.'

'Answerphone. Yes! '

'Anyone could be here. Sophie will find out.

'Anything that doesn't mention I masturbate over her memory is probably good.

'Arsehole! Yup, nice insult clean, clear and insulting.'

'At least he's going. Don't need a witness to this fiasco.'

'be like calling him a piss kidney.

'Be so demeaning to get a bonk on while exercising.'

'because it's horrible and it makes you feel sick. Oh, great.

'because of the EU, themselves.'

'Bond like neutrality, as though I'm so used to real life naked women?

'breathing oxygen and converting protein intake into muscle energy.'

'Brilliant. She's located my bunker and now she's invading.

'but apart from that, this is premium real estate.

'but at least I'm doing the right thing. Sort of.'

'but he does he follow through with an actual act of piss?

'but I don't want to distract him from this massive dawning realisation

'But I won't know for certain until I've actually done it.

'but no one's going to give me a medal for saying no. I am broke.'

'but not really, cos no one will find out.'

'but sheep and trees. This is what happens

'but, no, she's my nightmare

'but... yep, there he goes.'

'but... yep, there he goes.'

'call him a jizz cock?

'Can you kill someone with a metal detector? '

'Christ! What do you do to avoid lion attack?

'Classic line. A great line.

'Come on, Mark, take the hit. Keep your eyes on the prize.'

'Come on, Mark, turn it on! Play the game! '

'Contract TB? But where from?

'Could be my way out. Goodbye Sophie,

'Could claim mine is better... '

'Could go for a high five. Probably not the most appropriate time.'

'Could pretend it's not happening. That's worked for everything else.'

'Course I did. How do you think I got these trainers?

'Did I just say that? I did just say that.'

'Did she just believe what I said? What kind of counselling is that?!

'Do I suck the finger? '

'Dodged a bullet there. Although maybe not.

'Does a marriage count? '

'Does hiding from my fiancee count? '

'Don't overdo it.'

'Don't want to seem overqualified.'

'Er, Kettering. Got to force Sales and Marketing together

'Er, Plan C? Is there a Plan C? '

'Eugh! It's like he's got one hand on my body and the other in my brain

'Even Bernie Winters and Schnorbitz would've been an improvement.'

'Except she definitely hasn't cos I'm carrying her round in this bag.'

'Finally, something to beat that car battery he nicked off The Prodigy.'

'Fuck the Blockbusters fine, I'm going clear! '

'Fuck! '

'Fuck! '

'Glad I sprayed my nuts with aftershave, though.

'God, I only asked her to be a hooker.

'God, I really hope I don't still smell of Sophie.'

'God, I'm running away.

'God, look at her. I would break my own fingers

'God, look at me drive. I'm Clarkson.'

'God, that's so humiliating.

'God, what's happening to me?

'Goodbye beard, hello familiar, stupid face.'

'goodbye sexual humiliation, hello Corrigan the neo colonial overlord.'

'Gotta say something.'

'Great call. Friendly but flirty, didn't overstep the mark.

'Great, I'm at the children's table. I'm with the kids.

'Great, now I'm getting an angry lap dance. Brilliant.'

'Great! Disappoint three people instead of just one! '

'Great. I'm going out with literally the worst men in the world! '

'Great. Thanks, Jeremy(!)'

'Handyman to chauffeur to keyboard player, it's a very well established career path.'

'Hate to shit myself for no reason, and get eaten.

'Have to side with the powerful to survive.'

'Have your fancy dinner, till the bill comes and the bodies pile up.'

'He didn't even pay for her.'

'He doesn't know how! '

'He hasn't just put that in to needle me, has he? '

'He never normally thinks about things.'

'He thinks I'm a scag addict bedroom DJ who can be bought off,

'He thinks I'm his way into the music biz. Forget it. Music's full.'

'He wants to punch and kick me and he's come somewhere

'He's broken me, I'll say anything now.'

'He's brought a dead dog into my pitch, the stupid bastard! '

'He's cross breeding with the beautiful aliens

'He's gonna get married and never let me forget the kiss

'He's ladling it on now. Is that the proper thing?

'He's like a wedding burger, and they're the buns.'

'He's my dark secret, my elephant man.'

'Here I go. Palms dry, mouth dry, inter buttock area moist.'

'Here we go, Big Suze's place. If she won't take my calls,

'Hey, I know that weird run.'

'Hey, Nancy, I fancy your friend, then, oh shit,

'Hiding out in a car park. He's not exactly Grisly Adams, but it's a start.'

'Highly unlikely, but possible.

'Hmm, he looks terrible. Looks like he could do with a friend.'

'Hold on. Is that it? Is that my go finished?

'Home studio slipping away! '

'Hopefully I won't even get married.

'Hopefully, it's a psychological defect, not a weird sexual thing.'

'Hortensia!

'Hot, cheesy pizza to max out your stomach acid.'

'how about I hit her with some petrol station flowers? '

'How can I blow my emotional beans if she doesn't at least give me a wheedle? '

'How can I buy some time?

'How can something so wrong feel so right? '

'How do I feel? Empty? Check. Scared? Check.

'How grimly predictable. When is the work going to happen? '

'How the fuck did it come to this?

'I am James Bond.'

'I can roll Gerrard out for the sympathy vote.

'I can't invite her round here.

'I can't swim in a three piece suit. So screw you, cynics! '

'I could say, "He's got a fat head,"

'I could show Sophie the transcript.

'I could use my sauna line.'

'I do think in a weird way we had a connection.

'I don't mind, but eventually it's going to get cloying.'

'I don't wanna hurt lovely Sophie. Need time to think.

'I don't want to, but calling off the wedding at the last minute?

'I feel so bad about betraying Mark.

'I get my brain training from Sudoku and Alain de Botton's weekly podcasts

'I guess the only good thing is that my life is so boring

'I have very little to say to my closest friends.

'I hope they get to go on the equipment free after hours,

'I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.'

'I like it when he's rude to me.

'I mean, I didn't actually expect him to do it.

'I mean, it wasn't me who set fire to the barn or screwed Penny.

'I mean, it'd have to be a fucking good poster to get that dog back.'

'I mean, loads of strings, but just ignore the strings.'

'I mean, rejecting society, seeking the company of wild creatures.

'I need to reassess. I need to find someone who can sell me some weed.

'I say I love Haagen Dazs, and my broadband provider,

'I should at least try to feel jealous and betrayed, then I'll feel

'I should do something.

'I should know how to kill someone by now, I've watched enough CSI.'

'I should speak to her, but what the hell can I say?

'I should tell him about Nancy,

'I think I love her. I think I'm falling in love...

'I think she might have a borderline personality disorder.'

'I think that was a good answer.'

'I think that was good advice.

'I think that's a compliment, but women just don't seem to want to hear it.

'I thought I deserved to be hit.'

'I want to see Nancy, but I'm the one holding the wheel.'

'I'd have something positive to cling on to right now.'

'I'll have them eating out of my hand

'I'll just take it to one of those massive council bins. Dump and run.

'I'm an awesome shit.

'I'm being forced into this.

'I'm dependable, but not afraid of the occasional premium lager.'

'I'm eating dog leg. I have definitely reached a new low.'

'I'm getting married to a woman I may not love,

'I'm going to be Johnson's queen. If the public will accept me,

'I'm going to be Johnson's queen.'

'I'm going to need to believe in my new life.'

'I'm just another cock getting wired into the global economy.

'I'm more concerned about my misshapen scrotum.'

'I'm not a corporate cocksucker, I'm a human being. Sure.'

'I'm not French. I'm the least French person on the planet.

'I'm not marrying out of spite, I'm marrying out of fear.

'I'm not part of the family at all,

'I'm not wearing Hitler's boots!

'I'm on my own.

'I'm out of my depth

'I'm so tense, I'm like Waterford crystal, I'll smash into pieces! '

'I'm such a bastard. I'm meant to be getting married.

'I'm the cuckoo in the nest, the python in the toy box.

'I'm the rubber toy brought for the weirdo to chew on.'

'I'm with the business elite, shitting on the little guy.'

'I've entered an interview situation and there's a hand near my cock!

'I've got no way out. Stuck with a newbie Mr Fucking Shirt.

'I've got to tell Jez about Nancy.

'I've lost my elephant man. My beautiful elephant man.'

'if you live too far from proper franchised coffee outlets.'

'In fact, I'm winning. I'm getting half a rural cottage,

'In fact, she's definitely not gonna mind cos I'm not gonna tell her.'

'inserting words, almost at random.'

'Iow quality detective drama, low quality sexual intercourse.'

'Is this a terrible idea? It can't be, it's in a film.

'Is this wrong? Maybe this is totally normal.

'it feels like it might go on forever.

'It would be quite a statement.

'It would give me a weird feeling of secret power.

'It'd be good to see her again and I'm sure Sophie won't mind.

'It'd certainly be less hassle.'

'It's a nice cottage. He did burn the barn.

'It's fine, just a couple of normal guys.

'It's much more likely you'll just get a tumour.'

'It's not even a proper disability.'

'It's not like I ate her mum or dad! '

'It's not like I wanted her to work in telesales.'

'It's OK, everyone says it

'It's OK, it's perfectly normal, it's the country, it's what farmers do.

'It's only a sugar bowl.

'It's so obvious. We don't just want to chat, it's not just friendly.

'It's what I said about her trainers.

'It's worked! All my references to how much above

'Jeremy? Spacemen? '

'Jeremy's literally thrown me to the bloody lions!

'Jesus, I've had sex with more men than that

'Jesus! Come on, throw me a bone! '

'Just act normal. I'll tell her what happened immediately after I've come.'

'Just act normal. She doesn't know I'm not wearing any pants.'

'Just another ordinary day. (Chuckles)

'Just keep lying till the kissing can start.

'Just like my paperboy days. (Chuckles) Screw you, Murdoch.'

'Just look away. If I don't look at it, it can't hurt me.'

'Just move on from the paedo area entirely! '

'Just stay mute, Mark.

'just to spend one night with her.

'Just wish I felt a tiny bit excited,

'Kerry's being all lovely to Mike about his mum's thyroid thing.

'Kind of like a wedding present.'

'Leave my brain alone!

'less of a shit about pursuing Sally.'

'Let's just put a zip here, a swastika there, why not?

'Let's milk it.'

'Letting her go first, just as though she's the same as me,

'lf decent people like me do nothing, then what?

'lf I do this, I'll never have to carve a chicken

'lf I do, eventually it'll get chipped or broken.

'lf I don't think about it, there's always a chance it didn't happen.'

'lf I keep working for him, he'll have to keep paying me.'

'lf me and Nancy are trapped together, she'll start to fancy me,

'lf only New Labour hadn't abolished the tax advantages,

'Like that's ever going to happen.'

'like the good old days.'

'like the way people fuck each other in prison.'

'Look at me. I'm one of those men women read about in their magazines.'

'Low quality takeaway,

'Lured them all to the safari park like a Bond villain, but what's the aim?

'Man seeks woman. Must be interested in film,

'Mating season is over.'

'Maybe computer games aren't a waste of time. Maybe OJ's innocent

'Maybe everything will be different now. Maybe all the parameters have shifted.

'Maybe everything's gonna be OK! '

'Maybe I am putting enough into my pension plan.

'Maybe I can work in a back room. There must be a back room somewhere

'Maybe I could use Eva as a decoy.

'Maybe I should just go on my own. Sally Slater might be there.

'Maybe I should start taping my phone calls.

'Maybe I wouldn't have said it

'Maybe I'll look back and say judo brought us together.

'Maybe I'll put on Big Bond Themes

'Maybe I'm capable of murder. It would make life more interesting.'

'Maybe I've gone over the edge, I no longer know right from wrong.

'Maybe instead of marrying Sophie I should just marry Lucy.

'Maybe Iraq was a good idea.

'Maybe it would be kinder not to tell him.

'Maybe it would have been simpler just to kill him.

'Maybe she just likes having her finger sucked.

'Maybe she's right. Maybe the truth does work.

'Maybe the pressure will build to the point

'Maybe they've been having a chat about me

'Maybe this is a test. She can't actually fancy me.

'Maybe this is what they do in the country.'

'Maybe we'll be happy ever after.'

'Maybe we'll have a judo themed wedding

'Might as well ask.'

'Might as well pile on a few more spoonfuls.

'Mm... Sally,

'Most of my rivals from school have probably perished in Blair's oil wars.'

'Must get injured! '

'Must manoeuvre more dates into saunas.'

'Must remember, watching someone you love having sex isn't fun.'

'My attraction to her is so minimal for once I might have been able to do it for hours.

'My favourite cheeses are Cheddar and Red Leicester.'

'my lips have slipped and I'm kissing you. '

'My new life has begun. Everything is going to be different.'

'My team! I'm going to be the most amazing boss ever.

'Nana probably needs the roof and brickwork looked at,

'Never mind. Only a few hand shandies between me and a home studio.'

'Next he'll put an octopus over my face.'

'No badgers.

'No, I was right, that was a terrible idea.

'No, just spend the evening looking longingly at her from a distance,

'No, Mark, that's how they got Nixon! '

'No, she wants me to call her!

'No, stop trying to marry everyone, Mark! No need to marry people! '

'Not actually an insult all cocks are jizz cocks really,

'not like I was marching to the gulag for an undetermined crime.'

'Not the dog. Not the dog!

'Nothing dodgy about this, just going for a swim in my trunks.

'Nothing's gonna happen, but nothing must remain a total secret.'

'now and for the rest of our miserable lives.'

'Now he thinks I'm embarrassed about my penis.

'Now I'm getting an erection.

'Now, that's value for money! '

'Obviously! Of course! Why didn't I just buy an anvil and smash my face onto it?

'Of course it will be. The day she's humiliated

'Of course, she would say that.'

'of secret power had started to wear off.'

'Oh shit, oh no.'

'Oh, "Hold it in," he says. This is like a Japanese game show.

'Oh, fuck! '

'Oh, God, here we go. He's got no one else to talk to

'Oh, God, I bet it's bursting at the seams with used condoms and porn.'

'Oh, God, more crying.'

'Oh, God, she looks amazing.

'Oh, God, vodka! It'll be an orgy.

'Oh, God! I wish I lived with the chess computer.

'Oh, God. The first fiance challenge, and I've got a gun. An actual gun.

'Oh, God.'

'Oh, great night at the pub this is(!) Laura's caught in Super Hans' tractor beam,

'Oh, great, bacon shoulders.'

'Oh, great, here comes the inevitable massive dong.

'Oh, great, I'm Scotty.

'Oh, great, now she's crying and I probably look like a wife beater. I'm unhappy too.'

'Oh, great. Here we go.

'Oh, great. I didn't expect a freshly ironed shirt, but him? '

'Oh, he is good. Taboo busting, semi incomprehensible pep talk.'

'Oh, I've got a sweater around my shoulders.

'Oh, must hide more. Can't hide more.'

'Oh, my God, a man's hands all over my naked body.

'Oh, my God, I feel terrible. I feel like my head's going to explode.

'Oh, my God, India!

'Oh, my God, she's gonna kiss me.

'Oh, my God, this is horrible.

'Oh, my God!

'Oh, my God! He actually... He couldn't resist!

'Oh, no! '

'Oh, please! Someone, save me!

'Oh, she is good. Here it comes. Let it all flood out just gently.'

'Oh, she's touching the tube.

'Oh, shit! Sophie's dad! Didn't even get to bloody wee.

'Oh, shit.'

'Oh, shit.'

'Oh, sure. It's nice to be nice.'

'Oh, thank you, Dan, whoever you are.'

'Oh, that was horrible.

'Oh, this is a fucking disaster.

'Oh, this is gonna be horrible.

'Oh, this is not how I imagined it,

'Oh, what next? Am I going to tell her she's got lovely tits? '

'Oh, yeah, here we are, the field of screams, the torture chamber,

'Oh, yeah, making smoothies at the Orgazoid's house!

'Oh, yeah, this is cool. Just don't think about the dead dog.

'Oh, yeah! Pissed and stoned in a gas guzzler. This is the life.

'Oh. Alone with the mum.

'OK, definitely have a legitimate grievance here, I reckon.

'OK, here we go, wedding day, I'm heading for a wedding.

'OK, I'm finger sucking.

'OK, it's happened, he's gone.

'OK, it's not going to be just the jam.

'One Jezmobile. No strings attached.

'one of the few girls in my year to notice me and yet still not mock.

'One that I'll never ever tell anyone because of my deep and burning shame.'

'Or don't want to be rude smiling encouragement?

'Or a trick. Maybe they're Johnson and Sophie wearing masks

'Or could tip him over the edge.

'or discuss spark plugs or prove I love his daughter.'

'or even better. God, I'm amazing.

'or getting a bone on, which is basically the same thing

'Or I could join Al Qaeda. Maybe I'll marry my lap dancer.

'Or is that grizzly bears?

'Or my fear of Ioneliness, and her strong desire

'Orgazoid's handyman. This is a dream come true!

'Perfect. Job at the gym.

'Physical wellbeing, the perfect alibi.'

'Pirates! I'm being Shanghaied! '

'Plan B

'Please don't hit me for any reason, Foz.'

'Please don't say; "I will."'

'Poor bastard. The women are going to make marriage mincemeat out of him.

'Pretty straightforward conflict here he wants to go to the wedding,

'Quick sale, then a cottage in the Ardennes. Or a flat in Barcelona.'

'Relax, Mark, heads don't explode.

'Relax. You don't go to adulterers' prison for drinking tea and playing Connect Four.'

'Remain in your compound.'

'Richard Dawkins walks the walk,

'Right. So your husband can kill me and your son can worship my stuffed corpse,

'Road traffic accident?

'Sales, Marketing, Marketing, Sales.

'Sally! '

'Sauna. Champagne.

'scrubbing my puke stained wedding wear in a coffee shop toilet

'She could have the Barcelona flat, I can live in the Ardennes.

'She didn't wheedle anything out of me!

'She does irritate me, but everyone irritates me.'

'She made some friends pretty fucking quick! '

'She must have some massive character defect

'She shouldn't have asked if she didn't want to know.

'she'd be the woman of my dreams.'

'She's flushing me out with dogs and grenades

'She's so cool and nice. How did Mark get anything going with her?

'She's so moody. I'm marrying her, what more does she want? '

'Shit, I'm crashing and burning.

'Shit, is this going to happen?

'Shit, it's happening, she's out of my life forever. What am I gonna do?

'Shit, Matt.

'Shit, the dog! '

'Shit, this could be difficult to row back from.

'Shit! '

'Shit! '

'Shit! Could I? Here it comes.

'Shit! I'm losing him! '

'Shit! Now she calls.'

'Shit.

'Shit. Am I seriously hoping to have sex with Sally Slater?

'Shit. But can I really break it to her?

'Shit. Gotta dump the evidence.'

'Should I feel guilty? No, Sophie's probably doing it with Jeff

'Should I? I mean, she's lovely, she's attractive.

'signing on, every bloody week.'

'So I have to jerk him off, but at least I get a lift home.

'So what am I going to do? It's almost like a moral decision,

'So, as it stands, I'm failing to find work as a prostitute.

'So, I've done it. I'm married.

'Soil yourself?

'Someone's trying to steal the boat!

'Staff party. Nancy.

'Stay! Stay so I can use the house.'

'Still another snog for Jez's snog book.

'Still nothing from Sophie. Probably busy boning Jeff in Frankfurt.

'Still, at least it's not me he's trying to incinerate.'

'Still, none of it's how I imagined it.

'Suck Mummy's finger.

'Tears of joy. They're tears of joy.

'Technically, a fiancee is not a girlfriend.'

'That can't be hygienic

'That doesn't feel good. Still, got his house keys.

'That hairy gooseberry, she couldn't stay in her bloody punnet! '

'That is a brilliant jokette.'

'that isn't full of mobsters or sallow men getting wanked.'

'that only becomes apparent after a while.'

'That stupid bloody hippy sold me down the river

'that would be nice for them

'That's it. I'm alone.

'That's it. I've ruined it. I've ruined my life.

'That's not a leer, is it? Got to avoid the leer. And the dribble.

'That's not businesslike.

'That's not going to look good on my quarterly review.

'That's probably exactly the kind of bullshit

'That's probably the stupidest thing I've ever done.

'That's the line we both stick to,

'That's the line.'

'That's the way things are these days.

'That's why he brought us out here. He's going to kill me.

'The chess computer wouldn't make me do things.'

'the emotional dungeon.'

'The final humiliation.'

'The good impression thermometer is reaching absolute zero.'

'The gooseberry's revenge!

'the national average income I earn have actually worked! '

'Then I'll get the sugar bowl of my dreams.'

'There are lions. There are lions everywhere!

'There isn't any chance I'm going to get an erection, is there?

'There she is lovely Sally Slater.

'There's a very big difference.'

'they don't even seem to mind

'They go around shooting crows and trespassers, and eventually,

'They know exactly what we're doing, and the horrible thing is

'They wouldn't put a terrible idea in a film. They'd get sued.'

'They'll come for the trade unionists.

'This could be a tricky sell.'

'This is a disaster. I need to take stock.

'This is all very wrong.'

'This is almost definitely a terrible idea.

'This is brilliant. Maybe I'll go to a KFC and have a whole bargain bucket.

'This is going horribly! Need a joke.'

'This is the kind of job I deserve. I've paid my dues, all those years

'This is the ultimate good impression test.

'This is unnecessary exercise.'

'This is what men want and we shouldn't be allowed to have it

'This isn't a misspelt e mail, this is going feral.

'This isn't gonna be good.'

'This really should not be allowed.

'This should be happening to me on a daily fucking basis.'

'This will blow him away.

'to get pregnant by almost anyone, so long as it happens this year.'

'to the brutal rhythm of the oompah band.

'Tomorrow morning, I'll wake up in my bed alone, unless I hire

'Torture myself with contact with an unattainable woman, or what? '

'Try to get beaten up?

'trying to explain to him what The Matrix is.'

'Tube up his nose, man with a tube up his nose! '

'Typical! It's all, him, him, him.'

'Ugh "sir". This isn't Tennessee, Mark.'

'Ugh. Why do they have to park the bikes right in front of the sexualiser?

'Urgh! More data entry tonight.

'Very funny.

'We'd hardly see each other.'

'We'll need a servant. These leftovers are from two nights ago,

'Wealthy, lovely family. If only she wasn't such a horrible person,

'Well, she's shitting on the gentlemen's club vibe.'

'Well, this is going to be incredibly painful,

'Well, you're very close to finding out.'

'What a dud evening!

'What am I doing? This isn't me, I can't have an affair.

'What am I gonna do? Throw myself off? '

'What am I meant to say? Can I say no? '

'What am I saying?

'What is Plan B? '

'What the hell am I doing? I'm doing a Jeremy. This is a wake up call.'

'What the hell am I going to say to a fully grown man for a whole night? '

'What the hell's going on?!

'What? He's not going out, he can't.

'What's bothering him? He's thinking about something.

'What's Jeremy stealing? Hotel napkins? '

'What's next, crucifixion? Is he gonna have me actually nailed on to a cross? '

'What's that man doing?

'When in fact, I'm not,

'when you get rid of all the Valentine's cards and bullshit.'

'Where are they? Is there one behind that tree?

'where he's allowed to punch and kick me.'

'where we actually try to fuck each other.'

'where we actually try to fuck each other.'

'Where's Nancy? Her lovely face always makes...

'while I squeeze them by the balls.'

'while the beautiful people dance at me, except...

'Who cares if I don't know if I properly love her?

'Who cares if I put on weight? I'm engaged to be married!

'Who knows what these things were once used for. Who even cares? '

'Who were such good friends, they got bored

'Why are they being so nice?

'Why are we moving?! Jeremy can't be up!

'Why couldn't we be Holmes and Watson, or Ben and Jerry?

'Why did I put her in the bag?! I should've thrown her like a discus.'

'Why shouldn't I have some mild flirtation, a snog even, or more? '

'with my bare hands and this bunch of mooks.'

'with the probably cancer emitting fuel cells.'

'Wow, he didn't hit me. Bit disappointing.

'Wow! Super Hans is gonna shit a brick when I show him this.

'Yeah, baby, here I go.

'Yeah, I'm awesome all right.

'Yeah, that'd kick everything into touch for a few months.

'Yes! Your jurisdiction over my face is hereby rescinded.

'Yeugh, how should I look like?

'You never know how things might turn out. I'm no Nostradamus.'

'You only get one life and I've ruined mine.'

'You think you'll be playing Monopoly, and end up an arsonist.

'You're a social freak.

"and the six most uncomfortable minutes of Sophie's life

"Bye."

"Can you pick me up? I'm at the Heathrow Hilton."

"Hey, I know someone who's gone to Kettering for the weekend."

"Hey, it's Sophie. Please leave a message."

"Hi, Jeremy. I've just had a big bust up with my dad.

"How about tomorrow? I could drop round to your flat about three?"

"I wanna come hang out with you at the wedding.

"I wouldn't want to stop you getting fit for the wedding."

"I'm so sorry about yesterday."

"It was great seeing you. It'd be great to meet up again."

"Oh, I'm so sad, I'm gonna take a load of pills, muh, muh, muh."

"Oh, right. I was hoping I might see you tonight."

"Ooh, posh!

"So, see you tomorrow."

"So, what's your address?"

"the six most uncomfortable minutes of his life,

"will be coming up later, courtesy of Mark."

"You can't handle the truth."

"You need to check your address?"

(AIl) Hi.

(Big Suze) I'm going to get you a dance.

(Big Suze) Jeremy?!

(Both) Get it, get it, get it, get it.

(Foz) Sally!

(Foz) Whey!

(Groaning) Oh, fucking hell.

(Groans) My mate Carly again.

(Jez) 'A motherfucker, that's literally what I am.'

(Jez) 'He really knows how to murder a vibe.'

(Jez) 'No, of course he's not allowed. He's Mark Chapman in the making,

(Jez) 'Not straighten out. Sack the innocent man.'

(Jez) 'Probably good things didn't work out, she is totally over reacting!

(Jez) 'Shit, this is just like school.

(Jez) 'This weekend is gonna be one massive dry hump.

(Jez) 'Wow! I'm getting big laughs off humiliating my best mate.

(Jez) Hey, Nancy!

(Jez) Look, it was really nice of Sophie inviting me

(Johnson) Hi, it's Charles.

(Johnson) Is that Camilla?

(Mark) 'Eugh, just like school. I have to sit and watch

(Mark) 'Finally.'

(Mark) 'Fucking hell! He's got Mummy!

(Mark) 'Got to make a good impression, hit my key features.

(Mark) 'Guess not fitting my CV onto one side of A4 is basically irrelevant now.'

(Mark) 'I have already done running today.

(Mark) 'I'm not wearing them! They're Hitler's boots!

(Mark) 'Oh God, I'm a firestarter.

(Mark) 'Oh, God, this is all so horrible.

(Mark) 'Oh, God, this is awful!

(Mark) 'Oh, my God!

(Mark) 'Oh, my God.

(Mark) 'OK, in a way, I've made a good impression.

(Mark) 'Shit, this isn't good.

(Mark) 'Urgh, films. Another hour of my life gone

(Mark) 'What exactly is my plan here?

(Mark) Oh, my God. There she is. She looks so beautiful.

(Sally) It's not funny, Foz. For fuck's sake, stop!

(Sophie) "Hi, Mark, what are you doing?"

< See you later, then.

< Sorry.