Peep Show - Season 8 Edit

A joint interview.

A mixture? That is interesting.

A shit and a glass of water?

Aberdeen, the Finnemore numbers, tube up the nose!

Actually, I'm cool about the money,

Ah, cool. 'The getting together of the shit.

Alan Johnson.

All right, I didn't go to the therapist.

All right, Mark? Jeff?

Amazing. 'Ah, lovely fake enthusiasm.'

And I wondered, because that's set,

And it's only 500 for an intensive course.

And it's so expensive for you here on your own.

And Mark, just so you know,

And now I know what I'm going to do with my life.

And our pizzas and a cat we starve and an old man we've kidnapped,

And the night before.

And watch The Apprentice.

And we've agreed not to argue whether that's a good plan.

And, if you like, I can link us all together and do the boring stuff.

Anyway, it's cool. I've always got the 3 0 Walcott millions.

Are we really going to do this? Yeah. This is it, man.

Are you gonna just wait and use mine when you...?

Are you Robert Grayson?

Are you... OK?

At Baths, Bathrooms & Fittings.

At the funeral, not so much.

Because, you heard about this little bit Gerard left me?

Before we eat all these horrible lentils.

Blimey. What did he die of?

Bloody hell.

Bullshit.

But I have actually got called back for a second interview,

But I think we should really try and...

But is that the best time?

But maybe we can take some comfort from the brutal reality

But never, repeat never...

But so... noble.

But we hit upon a lot of key issues...

But... it looks like there's someone on The Apprentice

By subdividing into working groups.

Bye bye. See you later, Mark. Bye bye.

Can bring some comfort to you all.

Cheers, man. 'Not the bag, never Hans's bag.'

Chicken tikka masala, balti tiger prawn..

Chowing down on an Aberdeen Angus steak from your Volkswagen Passat.

Clearly you haven't gone. Basically I have.

Come on in.

Come on, sit down.

Congratulations.

Cos all this horrible death is making me really keen to start my life.

Could you please stop trying to kill me with flat packs?

Covered myself there. So, why don't I just sum up?

Didn't Soph tell you? We're back on.

Do you know what I mean?

Do you know what, Dobs?

Do you think you can handle that? Mm?

Dobby, are you going to move in with me soon, do you reckon?

Don't think so, mate.

Don't worry, Mark. I'll take good care of her.

Dry, understated, but warm.

Dude! I thought you were going to wheedle me for ages about the stain.

Dunno. 13 Bastards?

Er, OK. Hi.

Er, yeah, soon. The rent here's killing me, so, yeah.

Evolution marches on. The scythe is remorseless.

Flirty little fuckers.

Flu.

For those inspiring yet challenging words.

Forget Gerard.

Forget I said anything.

Forget the interview.

Friday at 11.

Fucking good bloke, eh?

Gerard.

Gerard.

Gerard's dead.

Gerard's? That was him just now.

Get someone's hands in my brain, have a root around.

Given what I don't think anyone will mind me saying,

Good time at Gerard's last night?

Good?

Got these new soft close toilet seats in.

Gotta have a wake cake.

Grayson's the kind of guy who'll respect you more

Great, I got the job!

Great, so now they'll think we're a couple of guys with our booze

Great! You've tricked the microwave into releasing its dangerous rays.

Great. Survival of the slickest.

Grey matter would be lovely, thank you.

Grieving and crying in a more well catered environment.

Has he...?

Have some of the lamb pasanda. It's incredibly rich and creamy.

He died of flu?

He doesn't know what that means.

He got taken to hospital, but it was too late.

He had a weak immune system, Mark.

He left a message. D'you want to hear it?

He should have therapy. Everybody should have therapy.

He was sniffing around for a raise that,

He's feeling a lot worse. I said I'd go over for a bit. Is that cool?

He's not in a great way. Poor guy can barely move.

He's really ill, Mark.

He's sorted her right out. Work, relationships,

He's trying to kill all my offspring?

Hello, boys. Excuse me.

Her OCD about visiting every mainland Holland & Barrett, everything.

Hey, great news! I got called back for a second interview

Hey, guys. This one... feel right?

Hey, Jeremy, Gerard's died of flu!

Hey, Mark, can you open a tin of mushy peas?

Hey, Mark, how was the funeral?

Hey.

Hi, Dobs, thanks for coming over.

Hi, guys.

Hi, I'm Robert Grayson. Pleased to meet you.

Hi, Jez. How was your session?

Hi, Soph.

His sister wants me to help organise the funeral. Her head's in pieces.

Hmm? Yeah, pal?

Hmm. Exactly.

How about if I just pulled my knob out and started wanking? Yeah?

How about you guys look at the logo and web strategy,

How are you doing, you big fuck stick?

I am not currently a very successful musician.

I can call you a dickhead if I want. Yeah, got a big dick for your head.

I can get a wake cake.

I can't believe you cancelled his call so we could have a frozen pizza

I could be there and back in under an hour. He might have got worse.

I could therapise you.

I do know what that means.

I do know what you mean, yeah.

I don't really want to go into it,

I don't think so. This is a football cake.

I feel awful.

I feel very free. You know?

I guess you won't have had the chance to get anything to eat.

I had onion bhajis instead.

I hope the scythe's remorseless swing

I just can't afford it.

I just wish I could have said goodbye to him.

I know what you're doing, Gerard.

I know, yes.

I know!

I like you too, Jez.

I liked him as soon as I met him.

I love you, Mark.

I moved into Nana's cottage last month, so...

I pissed it up the wall, like I piss everything up the wall. Happy now?

I suppose you want me to sit here, yeah?

I think it does.

I think so, yeah. Don't you, Dobby?

I thought I'd really push the boat out.

I thought so.

I thought we were waiting for Jez to move out.

I was really looking forward to spending the evening with you.

I wish he was OK, I really do.

I'd ask them to move in rent free.

I'd love to do therapy.

I'll get you a pie on.

I'm a shithead. I need help. I need therapy.

I'm going to become a therapist.

I'm here for Ian.

I'm interested.

I'm loving the bathroom showroom.

I'm not saying it.

I'm on my way. I'm going. I've gone.

I'm playing the long game.

I've bought you a lovely curry. What's wrong with that?

I've got my beady eye on you.

I've heard about this. Harsh Freudian.

I've just got the feeling,

I've seen it. He is a shit bag.

If I may, perhaps we should pool our skill sets

If Meryl Streep had given birth to a pair of Chicago Town pizzas.

If you stand up to him.

In a way, though, don't you think that's what he would have wanted?

In a way, whatever I say will end up feeling incomplete.

Incredibly flat management structure, which is cool.

Is that a good time?

Is turned on the searchlight operator.

It feels funny to be all alone.

It is a good plan. I know.

It looks, if this doesn't sound weird,

It makes it think the door's closed,

It's a goodbye gift. Fuck the stain.

It's a table for my printer.

It's a very popular time.

It's fine.

It's Gerard.

It's just, it's stupid really,

It's like they're winking at you in slow motion.

It's like you're turning into his personal bum boy.

It's no dice for you and your sickly ways.

It's not with electric, is it?

Jeff? I think it's OK.

Jeremy's planning to sell the headline "3 0 Walcott"

JLB, obviously, which I think Alan hit.

Just say it, and it'll all be fine.

Just tell me.

Last night, a couple of hours after he called.

Like Herod?

Like his sort of place.

Listen, my mate Alice is seeing a shit hot therapist.

Listen, my mate Alice is seeing a shit hot therapist.

Look, Dobs, sometimes you need to draw a line.

Look, I don't want to warble on when we probably all want to be out,

Look. Nothing can make today all right.

Looks like I've got a job interview lined up. Bathroom supplies.

Lovely.

Margherita or pepperoni, Dobs?

Mark, can you give me a hand microwaving these chicken bites?

Mark, I love therapy.

Mark, today is the day I worked out

Mark!

Maybe in the spare room? Ken took the last of his stuff.

Maybe, I'm going to get to finish these lentils.

Me? Oh, nightmare. Getting hold of the wake cake.

Mixture.

Mm hmm.

Mmm. He had a weak everything, to be fair, Dobs.

Money's tasty. And you get to work with toilets,

More "mental millions" for your high interest account

More, Mark?

Mr Bendicks will be with you in five minutes.

Mr Grayson's ready for you. Thank you.

Mr Usbourne?

My ear is getting hot. Is your ear hot?

My first day, I thought, "What a great guy."

My first memory of this great little guy in the... big old box here

My gonads out, one ball dangling in front of each eye.

Nice chapel, eulogies,

No more curry, no more problem.

No, I'm Robert Grayson.

No, I'm sorry. You are.

No, s sure.

No, sure. Obviously.

No! Gerard loved the... the Reds,

No.

No.

No. He's really amazing.

Nor would any of your other brilliant... dolls.

Nothing, OK.

Now Gerard's close friend, Mark Corrigan.

Oh, Dobs, looks like your bloody microwave's bust or something.

Oh, Dobs, you saw him last night

Oh, er, Dobs, just cos I need to do a form,

Oh, er, no, that's right.

Oh, God, er...

Oh, good, yeah. Amazing. Reckon I'll be cured soon.

Oh, great, that is nice.

Oh, great. Great, yeah, great.

Oh, hi, Gerard.

Oh, I've fixed the microwave.

Oh, Jesus!

Oh, Jez, Mark told me about you burning the band. Are you OK?

Oh, new tin opener. Sweet.

Oh, really?

Oh, right.

Oh, sure.

Oh, that's not the spirit. Mind over matter.

Oh, you know, a...

Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you?

Oh! But I only do robot cooking. I can't do analogue.

Oh! Good.

Oh! Hi, Mark.

Oh. Connect 4.

OK, a job. Yeah. I'll put a word in.

OK, good.

OK, good. What did he say?

OK, so, for the second stage,

OK.

On my way. 'The microwave test. The moment of truth.

Ooh, it's like Sophie's Choice.

Or do you think there's any chance

Or ISA or share portfolio

Or to spend on your wife or your boyfriend,

Or you've stopped being guilty about not paying rent.

Really? Are you sure? What about the stain?

Relax, just take it quick and easy.

Right, well, this bloke better be a solid gold twat.

Right.

Right. It's just Dobby might well have moved in

Sarnies, God, he loved a sandwich.

Say bye bye.

Screw it. I'll grab something at Gerard's.

Seriously.

Seriously. 'That's enough.' So, I just feel very sad.

She is moving in, you know. I'm getting a firm date.

She's not interested in romancing the stone, Gerard.

Shit. Nuke this, will you?

So I suppose I can say anything in here. That's the whole idea, right?

So I've got us both a lovely big curry as a treat.

So it still goes, even though it shouldn't!

So they must know what they're talking about.

So what are you thinking on the microwave, then, Dobs?

So what do you want me to do? Pull down my pants and fertilise the plants? Oh, you'd love that.

So, are they any particular school, your therapists, Jez?

So, there's... there's so much to say about Gerard.

So, you should all have had time

Sorry, I'm Mr Smith, wrong house, I'm not coming back. Goodbye.

Sorry, it's just, it went pretty well at the interview.

Spend it on a nut doctor to work out what's wrong with you.

Still, I've got one at mine, so...

Still, this looks like a great funeral.

Sum up, time to sum up.

Sure. Me too.

Ta dah! Specially made.

Test your group decision making and personnel skills.

Thanks for the job tip, Hans.

That can all go. That goes.

That is so Gerard.

That the weak must make way for the strong.

That's a lot of shopping, Jez. Yeah, stocking up.

That's amazing! That's amazing news.

That's pretty Fifty Shades of fucking Grey.

That's right, kimosabe, I've got your number.

That's the take home message which I want you all to go away with.

That's why I got the denture cleaner, to throw them a weird one.

That's your dream, yeah?

The guys at the showroom are looking for more hands on deck.

The wake somewhere lovely.

The... red team.

Their mum and dad are both gone, so...

Then eat up.

Then march out, stroll round the block, back in, he'll love all that.

Therapy, therapy, therapy.

There's a naan and a half each.

There's always my place, Jez. I've got the bag. The bag's yours.

Things took a turn for the worse.

Think outside the box on this one.

This is going to take forever.

This is the day the music died.

This is the end of...

This place is great! What a find.

To a tabloid newspaper when Theo Walcott turns 30

To be honest, if I could just find a pal,

To confuse them. Fucking Nectar inspectors.

To look at the task. Yeah, it's a great task.

Tuck in. There's bhajis.

Vegetable korma.

Very, very good care indeed.

Wake cake?

Want some Curly Wurly?

Was when Gerard's cheeky little face poked round my door at JLB.

We thought we'd take a different approach.

We're going to make this the best darn funeral ever.

Well, how about if I go and stand over here instead?

Well, I'm not going to!

Well, they certainly cost a pretty penny,

Well, you've been married and had a baby.

Were his very limited attributes, was bloody outrageous.

What were we called?

What?

What's that, Mark? Being quite ill?

When do you think you might be moving in?

When I can get the bloody deposit sorted and get my shit together.

When you rang, so I thought I'd come along.

Where the hell have you been, Mark?

Where's your inhaler, G man?

Whether maybe we should consider...

Which do you want, grey matter pie or brown matter pie?

Which is obviously funny. And showers, which are sexy.

While Hugh has a think about the rebrand?

Who I think we're both going to really loathe. A real specimen.

Whoa! You manhandled my phone.

Whose dentures we periodically deign to cleanse.

Why don't I give you that? Your deposit, since you're moving on.

Why have you got cat food?

World Of Warcraft, huge for him,

Would you like a glass of water?

Yeah, and they can get the chapel Katy wanted at the time she wanted.

Yeah, but he won't move out till you move in.

Yeah, but not really.

Yeah, I know you know. But now I know.

Yeah, I'm too big to fail.

Yeah, is it just saying "therapy" that you're into now?

Yeah, well, he was a nice guy.

Yeah, whatever. "I've got a headache, need a baguette."

Yeah? We'll see about that.

Yeah. Doesn't feel very nice when the searchlight

Yeah. Then you'd have a real "patient" on your hands.

Yeah. We had a game of Connect 4.

Yeah...

Yes, I am happy now.

Yes, I mean, why don't I just give you the stories, the highlights?

Yes, please.

Yes. We were about to have a romantic Italian dinner for two

You are, I'm not. I'm very sorry.

You know what, Jez, if you like, I could pay for you to have therapy.

You know you wanted me to.

You know, don't you? You know exactly what's wrong with it.

You really need therapy.

You should be like, "No, mate.

You should have therapy.

You're barking up the wrong tree.

You're not doing a barbecue again, are you? You know that doesn't work.

You're such a bastard.

You're the king, I'm a piece of shit.

You're very fucking chipper, Mark.

You've made something up and then scrimped on it.

You've stopped paying rent.

You've... fixed it?

Your friend the Cyberman wouldn't be so defeatist,

'No macaroni for us tonight.' Bye.

He's dead. He died. When?

OK. Thank you very much, Alan,

' "and that's why he lives in Vegas." '

' "Yeah, my son hates me, but he can remember a full deck of cards

'"Mr Bendicks?" Is that a joke? Maybe it's a test.

'A harsh, unremitting stare at the bare facts of my actual life.

'a scorpion in the Kinder egg, a nail in the Toblerone, and 'tis I.'

'A third interview, in half an hour?

'And he'll be like, "Dude, you're cool.

'And it feels fantastic.'

'and now we're burning all our band stuff.

'Both lying down? Except, pizza parlour?'

'But look what's happened to Gerard. This is what I do to rivals.

'Christ. Headhunted by Super Hans.

'Could ask her straight how she feels...'

'Could I? Out in five, cab over in 20?'

'Could take a night. Could take five years.'

'Don't trouble yourself.

'Er, I just wanted to say hi but, er, I guess I'll just say bye.'

'Er, I just wanted to say hi but, er, I guess I'll just say bye.'

'Even the contract we signed with God on mephedrone.'

'Every second. Every single fleeting moment.

'Feels like she's still seeing more of him than me.

'for a glass of water and a baguette.

'from beyond the grave.'

'Fuck! She's not gonna move in.

'Fuck. Oh, bloody hell.'

'Fucking hell, Gerard, there was no need to die.

'Fucking my rival with the dildo of the impossible rebrand.'

'Funeral parlour. Massage parlour.

'Get her into the flat and keep her locked down like Fritzl.

'give the thing I love best to the man I hate most?'

'God, he's so sickly. She never plays Connect 4 with me.

'God, I feel so upbeat!'

'God, I only disliked you a bit, I didn't want you to...

'God. Should I...

'Hang on, this is prime therapy time.

'Hans has sold out. A job and a suit

'He doesn't know what that means.'

'he knows that you need the electric?

'He might be one of the few Western headhunters

'He said, self effacingly, as he definitely secured the job.'

'He's actually dead, he's gone. He's never coming back.'

'He's wasting 500 of my pounds!

'Hi, Dobs.

'Hi, Dobs. Not feeling great.

'Hi, Mr Grayson. Pleased to meet you.

'Hi, Mr Grayson. Pleased to meet you.'

'Hi, Robert Grayson. I'm Mark Corrigan.

'Hi, Robert Grayson. Pleased to meet you.

'Hmm. Can I?

'Hold on, what's that? What's that there?'

'Hold on, what's that? What's that there?'

'Hugh was the only real rival.

'I bet some parts of him can move very well.'

'I can't compete with that! A free room at Gerard's

'I hope he doesn't have a secret sectioning button under there.'

'I might be in with a chance.

'I put my rivals in the ground.'

'I'd love to play Connect 4 with her...if it wasn't so boring.'

'I'm taking a look at my phone tariff.

'I've got a tin opener. Why's she buying a new tin opener?

'I've got a very strong feeling I'm being fucked in the arse.'

'I've seen behind the curtain. Ahoy there, moral high ground.

'If he does, he'll be some kind of memory genius.

'If I can only remember my own name at the next one,

'If she goes, I'll get a cuddle.'

'If you tell him his name makes you think of bendy dicks,

'If you've got any complaints, tell 'em to Gerard.'

'Interview advice from the disordered mind of the crackhead.'

'Interview, then funeral. The ultimate combo.

'Is he fucking me? How would he know?

'Is he going to get me sectioned?

'Jesus, life...spinning past.

'Just leave that to hang like the bad fart it is.'

'Like a dead, jealous pigeon.'

'Maybe Ian won't remember I gave him away to another man.

'Me and Dr Bhaji.'

'Minicab waiting,

'Mistook his hat for a child called It?'

'Mistook his wife for a hat?

'Mm, definitely does sound weird.'

'Mmm, he looks OK. Wonder what's wrong with him.

'Mmm. I have a sudden overpowering desire

'Mmm. Pretty sure he's parked a turd in there.

'Need more information. The tin opener isn't conclusive.

'No, not like Fritzl! Like a nice, normal, loving guy

'Not feeling great. Don't trouble yourself.

'Of course.'

'Oh, come on! There were three shelves of cakes cheaper than this.'

'Oh, fuck that, he's eating a Twix! I can't take him seriously.'

'Oh, great.'

'Oh, I get it. The lady doth eat bhaji too much, methinks.

'Oh, my goodness. Dead.

'OK, here goes. At least I'm the first one in.

'OK, Mr Bendicks, bring it on.'

'OK, the edit. The brutal edit.'

'Ooh, he's gone over the edge there.'

'Right, therapy. What do I really want from therapy?

'same outfit for both.' Ah, Mark,

'Say no? Hugh won't say no.

'Sell it on eBay?'

'She's gonna use this to open her single tins, and then somehow get

'She's never gonna move in. Well played, Gerard.

'So great that Dobby's agreed to move in. Just got to close the deal.

'Sophie can change that in the lift.'

'Sorry, microwave.'

'spurt of Lynx. It's the busy man's shower.

'Test case. If she buys a new one, I'll know she's never moving in.

'The guy's really come into his own since he's been dead

'The reproachful, but still quite irritating voice

'the sexual satisfaction from it I so obviously can't give her!'

'The sickly Casanova. Aiming for a bit more Connect 4 play.

'the way I can't go to sleep unless I'm wearing a woolly hat.

'Think I got away with that. Yeah.

'Third place we've been to.

'This is a megafuneral. It was a mega interview.

'This is no pound shop tin opener, this is a luxury tin opener.

'Those are the main parlours, aren't they? What's the link?

'Till we're gone.

'Time to say goodbye to Daddy and hand you over to Mummy.

'Unless he drives around in a Jeremy detector van.'

'versus 50 quid a week for Fritzl's cellar!'

'We could have been the Chemical Toilet Brothers.'

'Well, I'm going to block your bright red cock

'What if I broke the microwave?

'Whip through a couple of my issues, drugs, career, women,

'who knows where she is at all times. Which at no point

'who would physically chop a head off.'

'Why didn't I get the job tip?

'Will she stay or will she go? If she stays there will be trouble.

'with my multiple...discs of... yellow...cock

'would be locked in the cellar.'

'Wow. I can't believe I got a second interview!

'Yeah, right!

'Yeah, you weren't expecting that, were you?'

'Yeah. Listerine in the cab, swill the backwash into my Volvic,

'Yeah. Maybe a good old waggle in there. Take that, mechanism.

'Yes, Gerard, but there's a sting in the tail,

'You couldn't beat me on earth so you're shitting on me from heaven.

'You don't like that in there, do you?

'You weren't built for the screwdriver, were you?

"Cured?" Did they use that phrase?

"Everyone does the woolly hat thing."

"For it is written..."

"I need a shit and a glass of water. I'll be back in five

"Let me stop you there. This interview's gone on long enough.

"We are the Lord's..." Hey, hey, hey.

"Who are these guys?"

♪ And I'm so hot

♪ Cos I'm in hell... ♪

♪ I'm not sick, but I'm not well