Peep Show - Season 9 Edit

A bank robber is heading into the bank right now.

A bit like I want to karate chop my hand through a very high stack of poppadoms.

A bit of a depressing backward step?

A cat?

A dream sort of setup. Well, I do all the PR.

A few years back he became totally obsessed with

A fucking Mazda. Sorry, I've got a fucking Micra.

A fucklot of the micronutrient content has been neutralised.

A genius IQ...

A giant, walking, talking, anthropomorphised shit on stilts.

A goodly stroll. 'Invite him out for a walk,

A loan to a friend of yourself,

A muffin? You're going to stand here, waiting for a massacre, eating a muffin?

A nice man...

A night in one of the Royal Parks.

A nutter who may or may not have got the memo re not shooting me.

A pub man? I I'm getting robbed?

A shit for all seasons.

A snake would be so duplicitous?

A very respectful, very boundaried, rather horny triangle.

A weird, kind of creepy, dermatological kind of date.

A... No worries, you decide. Take your time.

About the awesome power of the C U N T.

About the garrotting.

Absolutely you're a shit.

Absolutely.

Actually, I'm probably going to go. You can't go. This is match point.

Actually, Jez, it's lucky you're here,

Admit it.

After I went a bit overboard that time.

After the weird picnic, I just felt..

Agh! Fuck it!

Ah, cool your heels, let's have a coffee.

Ah, cool your heels, let's have a coffee.

Ah, OK, that's a good...

Ah, please don't punch me. I wish you both well.

Ah, sorry, mate. You're getting shit canned, Mark.

Ah, you love people from the past,

Ah... Mmm!

Ahh! He's so fucked.

Alison. You remember Alison?

All above our heads.

All I can think about is death.

All in good time, Hans.

All my hopes and dreams, everything I've been working for

All right, Jez? Hans.

All right, you're home now, let's get you on the futon.

All right.

All right. Leave him in there for now.

All the Whores of Malta.

All this garbage he pretends to like, Jerry drugs his head off.

All you need is a reference from a landlord

ALL: # I just want to fuck and suck all the whole night through. #

ALL: Speech! Speech!

Alone.

Also, and I know this might sound

Also, Megan, would you happen to have a small make up bag about your person?

Although Angus is going to a conference.

Although I still haven't totally forgiven you...mate

Although there's a small chance it might not be possible.

Although, do you think he witnessed the burial?

Am I a shit?

Amazing. They found some more web space, then? Yeah.

An act or a feeling...

And And what, out out of interest, was the temperature like in the room

And Bond and burgers,

And comparing the different coffee shops he doesn't like

And concentrate, like, 100% on my boxes.

And dissected it to death.

And does it mean...

And don't talk about upsetting shit.

And dump him. Um...

And eating lamb pasanda like a pair of zombies.

And even if someone loves another man...or...

And even... Apology accepted.

And for falling in love with Dobby, for everything.

And getting into mime and fucking street theatre.

And he's claiming mental incapacity due to the influence of the internet

And he's not sure we should go on this cruise.

And he's off to Alison with her little fuck me Mazda.

And head off any potential weirdness

And his DNA expunged from humanity.

And how ATOL protection wasn't something to make light of.

And how Brooklyn is changing for the worse,

And how their coffee isn't real coffee.

And I ain't afraid of no snakes!

And I couldn't sleep cos of the guilt.

And I don't want to go raving for a week.

And I don't.

And I drink my own piss and it doesn't work.

And I feel...

And I need to phone Dad, tell him about you. He's going to piss blood!

And I never want to see you again.

And I realised it was actually your sales record. Oh.

And I really am sorry if that makes things difficult,

And I really don't see that happening.

And I should just say, like, "Are you ready to commit? Because I am."

And I was just checking that he wasn't,

And I was like, "No way." I couldn't see that happen. Spiking.

And I will be coming and going as I please.

And I would punch in the throat anyone who tried to stop me.

And I...

And I'd very much like to sit here

And I'm going to drink them all up.

And I'm going to stop just flinging my jizz around hither and yon.

And I'm gonna stand well back while you're fired out of the airlock.

And I'm not even certain that

And I'm thinking Herodotus and a bowl of muesli.

And I'm thinking maybe you could have a little chat with him.

And if that person is considered to be a downer,

And if Wadey could just borrow Mark's swipe card, we'd both be quids in.

And if you like I'll lay it on with a trowel

And if you think about it, I'm sure you don't really want me to.

And if you want me to stop, just say, but...

And is sort of a total fucking mess.

And is there a comprehensive history of the Byzantine Church

And it will, if I'm lucky,

And it's like, when is it going to happen for me, you know?

And Joe, he's like this great guy, and cool job...

And Karen Armstrong on the Western Christian tradition,

And listen to my Mr Nice audiobook

And Megan thinks Joe's fucking around on her.

And most of the bulk of the writing, too.

And most of the vitamins, but if it's been pasteurised

And my sole subterfuge

And never paying you any rent

And now I've actually decided

And pretend nothing's happening. DOORBELL RINGS

And put his bank card in the freezer.

And say, "Let's take drugs and go crazy."

And she's got weird hair, and she smokes.

And tear you to shreds. Is this about the permanent markers?

And tell you how I like you,

And thank you.

And thanks...

And that is an absolute red line.

And the carrot cakes?

And the interesting thing about you

And the mystery of the Trinity.

And the sexy, pep up the party, acid in the punchbowl one.

And then he hit me. He did not hit you.

And then I...took it, but then I didn't give it to him...

And then I'm going to collect those tears in a little silver bowl

And then pop into the Whistle for a pint of IPA.

And then we can have a big chat about everything later, yeah?

And then we'll have a big chat about everything.

And there's a man in a stovepipe hat with a long, hooky stick, that's him.

And there's one other thing I did that I shouldn't have.

And they don't have enough bytes left to add my name.

And to qualify for this loan,

And twice more this week.

And watch a property based reality show while she does it.

AND watch Storage Hunters. Does that make me a bad person?

And we fell out and he came for me, but I did him.

And we'll settle this thing once and for all.

And what about now that it's been confined

And what does Gregory do?

And what's three times 133?

And when I read it I'm usually extremely high,

And would an aggressive campaign to claim shared credit

And you can just scoop him up like a sick whippet

And you don't deserve Joe, cos I've been with him, and he fucks like a dinosaur.

And you hide behind this mask of, like, slacker bullshit,

And you, well, you're a real meat and potatoes, straight up and down,

And you're hung up on whose jizz ends up on what bit of cloth.

And you're obsessing about...roomal geography?

And, eh...I think you need to leave.

And, er, you'd only need to repay 2% of the capital a month.

And, erm, have you been back to your flat since we spoke?

And, frankly, it's a pamphlet.

And, honestly, I don't even like drinking my own piss.

And?! What?!

And...

And... I'm...I'm sorry, in your bedroom?

And...people are...

Andrew Roberts doing a jam on World War I trench letters.

ANGUS CLEARS HIS THROAT

ANGUS GROANS

Angus is coming. April's husband.

Angus is so busy with all his...

Angus loves you, but...he doesn't know if he respects you.

Angus wanted stuff done to him, I wasn't into it, it's all pretty disgusting,

Angus would never do this.

Angus, you...you must know I had nothing to do with this.

ANGUS: He said he was going to cut my willy off and put it into my bottom.

Angus! Jesus, Angus, are you OK?

Answer the fucking question!

ANSWERPHONE BEEPS

Any Anything I could use that might be a bit more romantic?

Anyone has ever received! Wow.

Anything else for the speech? Gregory, it's all cool.

Anyway, I probably don't have a high enough IQ.

Anyway, it's cool, yeah?

Anyway, really great, Jez, everything, bye.

Anyway, this proves nothing.

Anyway, um, as I was saying, I really like this guy...

Anyway, what I wanted to say, just before you go,

Apparently I'm not even allowed to do a little fucking naughty kidnap,

Apparently, he lived on nothing but dry bread and goat's milk.

Apparently, now he wants to go to Ibiza...

Apparently, the net has run out of web space

Apparently, you get an incredibly clear silhouette of the whole downstairs area.

APPLAUSE 'Oh, fuck!

Apple grievances, Lemmy...lyrics.

April and I just had an overpriced coffee and did it in the toilets.

April from Darty's coming over, as it happens.

April said you were off to a conference.

April, don't go.

April, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times.

April, if you like, there's a B&B nearby,

April, that's...that's awful.

APRIL: Speech, Jez.

April!

April!

April!

April! What are you doing here?

April.

April. It's got to be April. Exactly.

April... I was just explaining.

April's doing herself a disservice.

Are they? Yeah?

Are they...

Are we gonna be all right?

Are you all right? Yeah, fine, knackered.

Are you having a coaching session, or...?

Are you OK there, Mark?

Are you OK? I'm fine.

Argh!

Around.

As a matter of fact, I'm having a dinner party tomorrow night.

As a penance, I went to live with the monks on Mount Athos for three months.

As a theologian, really.

As he grows weaker and weaker.

As in? I don't know,

At a temperature that suits them within limits.

At least I tell you when I'm breaking a promise.

At my secondary school called me "the sick man of Europe".

At one of MacLeish's weird Darty Parties?

Attack his beliefs. Yeah. That, plus we fart.

Aw, we do love each other really.

Babbling something about a snake.

Back to mine for a wine?

Bag 'em and tag 'em.

Bag him up and sling him out.

Bang!

Bants, mad bants. They said they had a sock with a rock in it.

Beans are pasta sauce

Beans. Everyone likes beans. I can't serve baked beans.

Because he took it off me. Why? Why?

Because he was trying to...

Because I became filled with this boiling feeling of rage

Because I don't really understand almost any of what the news is about,

Because I'm not a loser.

Because I've sort of ended up sleeping with both of them.

Because it won't fucking wash.

Because they take the original vaccine, the watery battery, the mellow yellow.

Because you fucked my boyfriend and then you stole my boyfriend. Interesting.

Because you're a crackhead

Because you're getting suffocated?

Because you're mentally subnormal and have a brain the size of a pea?

Because, as we speak,

Becoming a...triangle.

Bed at one. One isn't even the night.

Beef Wellington, don't trust the Argies, dick in the vagina,

Behave!

Best man?

Better call Sophie, see if she minds

Better than the fucking park, mate.

Bit like Jez with that bloke in your bed.

BLENDER WHIRS

Blow job City.

Boom! That is inconvenient!

Both one degree uncomfortable.

BOTH: I can move, move, move any mountain.

Brilliant, Angus. I I'm happy for you.

Brilliant. 'Ugh, more William Morris!

Bring back smallpox? We all had fun with the smallpox, didn't we?

Brrrr. Bullshit.

Bulky...lettuce? They'll bring wine, but we need booze.

But actually, I couldn't sleep

But Angus's ideas are what the book's built on.

But don't, er... Obviously, don't rap.

But far too mad.

But hard to completely believe.

But he is a...

But he'd never take coke and throw an iPad out the window.

But he's a shit. Oh.

But he's a violent teddy bear.

But he's lost a friend in the process.

But I can get the money back. I know him.

But I do know, but it's not my fault.

But I do still love him.

But I don't love you.

But I don't think he was really joking. Try a bit harder, Jeremy.

But I get it without having to give you anything?

But I got you a lovely present to say sorry for making you lose your job

But I insist you all stay for a delicious feast.

But I just had to say it, I couldn't let it go.

But I just think, would it be cool

But I just wanted to say that we did actually meet once before.

But I kind of walked out on him and...

But I know you prefer me to call it a biscuit.

But I might need to make a move home, so, Joe...

But I think April will be able to join me.

But I think it's a little more sophisticated than that.

But I think it's only fair

But I'm going to bring it round, so don't worry.

But I'm not sure.

But I've been preparing all sorts of great IQ games.

But I've got a feeling that the other guests may cancel at the last minute.

But I've got nothing prepared. That's all right.

But I've had more time to think.

But I've made my bed, so I've just got to...

But if I say no, I'll also definitely regret it,

But in the end I'd probably have to say the Queen.

But is it?

But it didn't look venomous.

But it suits me down to the ground.

But it wasn't Napoleon. Ah, that's a shame.

But it's certainly not ours. 'Shafted by a piss addict.'

But it's good shit, it's real top quality, Taste the Difference shit.

But it's the sort of thing you'd think about but never actually do.

But maybe without being your best man.

But not actually the full...

But nothing on the Byzantine Church?

But now I wonder if

But now seems like a blessed relief.

But on one condition. Say pub man is a bank robber,

But Shallow Ball Grave?

But should I make haste to purchase some condoms, perchance?

But society says it's wrong for two men to love one another

But Socrates? If you went for 14AD,

But thank you for an amazing evening.

But that was about it, as I recall.

But that was actually probably my favourite line of the two.

But the big news is that Angus texted to say that he's fucked off to Ibiza,

But the fact is, this will come as something of a shock.

But the headlines are, we did a track, everybody loves it.

But the kiss, that was wrong.

But the mood was pretty sombre.

But the wounds are still there.

But they still turn up every week, don't they, the pricks?

But this is on you.

But we can sleep when we're dead.

But we get on pretty well and we have our ups and downs, like any couple

But what about Jez?

But when I picked him up, there were a lot of Nutella jars in his recycling.

But when I started, that's not allowed?

But why don't you move into Nana's cottage with us, Mark?

But you know what? If someone loves someone, he just...loves them.

But you probably... Fine, rum.

But you want to mime in Hungary?

But you're a good friend,

But you've got to admit, it's interesting.

But you've got to give it a go, huh?

But, um, there's something I need to talk to you about.

But, well, you've just not been great at keeping in touch.

But...

Button down, hope they don't mention? Look,

By being as weird as possible right now.

By no means am I excessively moley, it's not like I'm riddled.

Bye bye!

Bye, Jerry. See you at work tomorrow.

Bye, Mark.

Can I ask you a question, Angus, of a theological nature?

Can I ask you something? Sure.

Can I go now, cos I am only here so you can fuck the historian,

Can I have some of your milk?

Can I, er...? 'Who the fuck are you?

Can we just finish the game and do this afterwards, please?

Can we talk about this, please? 'Oh, brilliant.

Can you get me his swipe card for the bank?

Can you smell... HE SNIFFS

Can you tell him I need to talk to him? 'Maybe I will, April.

Can't handle it. I can handle it, I'm fine with it.

Can't hang around here cuddling all night long.

Can't I stay one more night? After everything I've done for you?

Can't you do anything? I'm sorry, Mark. You're contaminated.

Carrot cake every time she goes in there,

Challenge that guy on his xenophobic rant,

Checked himself into a hostel in Marmaris.

Cheddar cheese and chicken tikka masala man.

CHILD LAUGHS

Chuck her phone off the boat first day, butterfingers,

Claustrophobic, depressing,

Clear for me to go off with his wife on the cruise.

Closing time in the last chance saloon, Mark,

Cocktails, six meals a day, bad karaoke.

Coffee shop. We'll wait in the coffee shop until the shooting stops.

Coke, Mark. Jerry is a cokehead who loves to take coke.

Cold light of day, it looks a bit much.

Collateral, to stop Super Hans in his tracks.

Come in, you pair of fucking carb loaders.

Come on in. Thanks for coming, but put that in the fridge if you want.

Come on, Jez, let's go.

Come on, let's at least go and spy in case there's something to be done, yeah?

Come on, let's have it out. 'Appealing, but no dice.'

Come on, little fella, let Uncle Jeremy put you in the rage cage.

Come on, Mark, on your high horse.

Come on, Mark, you start. Yeah.

Come on. You've tracked down the love of your life. Go for it!

Coming, Hans.

Cooking's all about confidence.

Cool. Um, here's that Beastie Boys CD I was telling you about.

Cool. Understood. But you'll have a word.

Copied them. Discovered them.

Corfu? Er, it's nothing.

Correct decision. There's always a dark side of love.

Correct.

Cos I always think self esteem is a lot like actual steam.

Cos I bought the last eight and burned the other six.'

Cos I definitely don't want a party.

Cos I found this cruise, OK? Three months in the Med, just what we need.

Cos I've ordered a briefcase off Amazon.

Cos if you come for us, I'll chop

Cos that's where Angus had his affair.

Cos when Joe searched, nothing really came up apart from some

Cos you do it out of your bedroom.

Cos young Mr Wade here has been off working at a Center Parcs,

Could I marry my own son?

Could I possibly get a glass of water?

Could we have a chat about living arrangements?

Could we?

Course you do. Huh! Who wouldn't? PHONE CHIMES

Covered in wool simply to stay alive?

CRASH Argh! Ow!

Dad might think it's mental. Everyone might think it's mental.

Deep in there. Uh huh, I get it, mate.

Delicious, Hans, I'm just not sure how much more juice

Delicious. As always.

DESCENDING BEEPS

DESCENDING BEEPS

Did anything happen between us

Did I? Yeah, maybe, I forget. Yeah, 38, 39, 40, in that area.

Did Maggie mention that she's actually an artist?

Did one of you jokers order this? Sorry, wrong table.

Did you just arrive? Did Did your phone die?

Did you send the text?

Did you...

Disaster. She's got a boyfriend.

Do a Prince Philip and I'll go and tackle the robber, or whatever.

Do I claim fancy dress or go full English,

Do not bloody waterboard me! I warned you.

Do not kick me! Jerry, stay still.

Do not murder him. What did you say?

Do say when you want me to stop.

Do you always have coke lying around, you big druggie?

Do you have a fax machine? A fax machine?

Do you have any idea of the monthly repayments on that fucking thing?

Do you know anywhere haunted?

Do you need "old"?

Do you think he might be taking advantage of you

Do you think she'll be able to breathe in her grave?

Do you think when I do a search this will come up?

Do you think? Absolutely.

Do you want to, um...

Do you...know?

Do... Do you want some bread to go with that, as ballast?

Dobby, are you all right?

Dobby, come in. There was actually something I wanted to say.

Dobby, we're not seriously going to get into a stranger's car?

DOBBY: Ooh. What you watching?

DOBBY: Who's that?

DOBBY: Wow.

Does Angus seem OK to you?

Doesn't look very gastro, Hans.

Doesn't that just seem insane?

Doesn't want to speak to you.

Dogs getting married?

Don't be pathetic. I saw you put something in your pocket.

Don't even need to leave the tub.

Don't get me wrong, he's a teddy bear.

Don't know. He's always been pretty slutty and a bit...

Don't put me in the lift! Stop wriggling.

Don't shoot the messenger, but April said she...

Don't you think I should do it? I'm totally doing it. Should I do it?

Don't you, Mark? Like Napoleon.

DOOR OPENS

DOOR OPENS

DOORBELL RINGS

DOORBELL RINGS

DOORBELL RINGS

DOORBELL RINGS

DOORBELL RINGS

DOORBELL RINGS 'Oh, I can't do this.'

Down Oxford Street, take in the funny T shirts,

Dr Jones, I presume. Just whipping up a feast.

Drink from the tap, and when I need to,

Drinking your own piss the golden fountain. Come on, Jez, what's next?

Drumroll... Duh duh duh duh duh duh...

Duncan wants to have a drink, the total shit.

Duncan's a great guy,

Duncan's a prick. Fuck him.

Dunno.

Earlier tonight, I had sex with a man in my bedroom,

Earplugs and eye mask, the full lot.

Education, education, education. Ian coming over?

Eggs, aren't they?

Ejaculate into a pile of M&S cashmere jumpers and cruise brochures.

Emergency meeting, special project or something.

Er, and...

Er, flat white extra hot and a biscotti.

Er, hello, Hayley, erm... Take a seat!

Er, I believe it's Greek, Mark.

Er, I want you to be best man at my wedding.

Er, no.

Er, nothing. Did you tell him to murder us?

Er, of course.

Er, sorry about that, Joe. He's famously flighty.

Er, who should I sign it to? Mark. Mark Corrigan.

Er, wondered if you had time for a bit of life coaching,

Er, yeah, and if I could just say one more thing, um, Jeremy, Jez, er,

Er, yeah, it did. How did you know?

Er, yeah, sometimes.

Er, yeah, well, it was quite a warm day. 'Oh, really?

Er, yeah.

Er, yeah.

Er, yes. That's s something I'm doing.

Er...

Er...

Er... 'Could just shut the door?'

Er... 'She's sexy,

Er... It's fine.

Er... So, yeah, Dobs, I just wanted

Er... Wonderful.

Ergh ergh!

Erm, I don't want to break the spell,

Erm, look, Mark, I've got to go.

Erm, unless you count tomato sauce.

Erm... You like that? The hot air balloon?

Especially when I have to do them both in one day.

Especially yours, eh, Jez?

Even though it's already overflowing and I'm like,

Even though...

Everyone does, but they're indestructible,

Everyone!

Everything's coming up roses.

Everything's going to be fine. No one's getting shot.

Everything's out. What now?

Ex wife, and more hiding than burying, but point taken

Exactly, just to wet the whistle.

Exactly.

Exactly. He's a nutter, Jeremy,

Exactly. Well, Whores of Malta's been picked up.

Excellent. April loves doing it in toilets.

Except I'm not that intelligent,

Except, generally, I don't have Mark's jizz on my leg.

Excuse me. Oi!

Eyes, bleach is that a bad one?

Face forward, please, Jeremy.

Faith is so strong now.

Fart on his face. Psychological warfare. Yeah, grind him down.

Fascinating(!) Here's a radical idea.

Finally I'm rubbing off on you. Jez,

Find Ian, leave with April.

Fine. Goodbye, Rip Van Wankle

Fine. I get it

Fine. If it comes at me again, I'm not hitting it.

Flop was one of the good guys, man! He was old school.

Fly to Belfast, rave, get on the party boat to Bristol

For a few months, theoretically, we can be in our 30s together.

For bundling him into a sleeping bag and throwing him in a lift?'

For bundling him into a sleeping bag and throwing him in a lift?'

For everything.

For evidence, and...

For example, there's this organic bakery she's been to this afternoon

For facilitating an armed fucking robbery.

For fuck's sake! 'I love the silent treatment.

For taking April. She needed that.

For the cheese course, I have a soft cheese...

For the last 39 years flushed down the toilet.

For the lyrics on a little bit of song on an internet football video

FORCED LAUGH

Four and a half hours of tears and sweat and pain

Four is surely the limit.

Four? 400?

From Antwerp and the nice couple gets pushed over budget.

From conviction, no fiction.

Fruities, wives...

Fuck Duncan! He can drive around

Fuck it, I'm going to lock him out.

Fuck Jerry, it's mine! Jeremy, this isn't normal!

Fuck knows. Like, three miles.

Fuck my mouth!

Fuck them. Exactly.

Fuck you, iPad!

Fuck!

Fuck! How quickly can you get to Mr Patel's and back?

Fuck! Right...

Fucking additions and let's detox till we've got mega cocks.

Fucking hell. You got a wheelbarrow?

Full fucking Delia. I don't know what you mean.

Get back to the William Morris documentary. Um, yeah.

Getting rid of the love message on your eyes.

Give him a poke.

GLASS DINGS

Go in there twice a week and bleed it like a radiator

Go on through.

Go on, then. Yeah?

Go on! It'll be hilarious!

Go on. Fine. Choke yourself.

Go on. I'm going to do it.

God, has the entire world seen this fucking video?

God, maybe he does this every time I leave the house.

God, that's romantic, Mark(!)

God.

Goldfish in the Shreddies?

Good afternoon. My name's Katie Mitchell...

Good idea. Although...

Good idea. I'll just go and see where the other guests have got to.

Good luck!

Good luck.

Good morning, Mr Corrigan.

Good option. Blaaaargh!

Good to see you.

Good to see you. Likewise, I'm sure. So...

Good, because I told Joe I'll be 39 tomorrow.

Good. That's good.

Good. You just need to be ready, Mark,

Goodbye might be simpler.

Goodbye, April.

Goodbye, April.

Got off work early. Thought I'd see how it's hanging.

Got to get on a night coach to King's Lynn, my friend.

Great to see you.

Great!

Great. 'Yes! Olympus has fallen.

Great. And now I'm all signed up,

Great. She's gone and I'm left with the Jesus lunk who, because of manners,

Gregory, believe me, I don't. I'm not. I've stopped.

Grind him down, weaken him, till he's all pathetic

GRUNTING

Gus, do you mind staying here? Of course.

H Have you been...? Have you had a drink?

Ha, yeah, he certainly needs a little more sauce.

Ha! I'm going to the ombudsman

Ha! It DID degenerate.

Ha... Er, OK...

Hang on!

Hang on.

Hang on. But he's not actually going to do it, though?

Hanging out with your little buddy? Hm?

Hans just caved. We won.

Hans says it can't be changed.

Hans, it's Jez. Come and meet me at the Kid Kave.

HANS: Jokey, I said it jokey, Angus, you've got to admit that, right?

HANS: Shut the fuck up

HANS: We were just hanging out. It's all fine.

Hans? I thought it might be a good idea to have some backup.

Hans...

Hans's file! The proof!

Happy birthday, Jeremy.

Happy birthday...

Happy to be of service.

Hard hats on, time to descend into the depths of depravity.

Have taken a surprising unexpected turn.

Have you seen a little boy?

Having their genitals photographed.

Hayley was fine, but she was

Hayley? Where the hell were you?

He can't come at me in the kid farm, can he? It's perfect.

HE CHUCKLES

HE CHUCKLES

HE CHUCKLES

HE CHUCKLES Great.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT Do dig in.

He cut these kind of tramlines into his hair

He does not wish to be responsible for another Greece

He does that sometimes for laughs.

He doesn't. You don't, Jerry. Yes, I do!

He greedily gulped from a bedside bottle

He hadn't turned up the central heating.

He is going to learn to defer his gratification so damn hard.

HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY Listen, Mark.

HE LAUGHS Oh, Joe.

He might, but I definitely won't.

He said no.

He said you went to a Byzantine church?

He said, like he was joking, that your coffee tastes like horse piss.

HE SIGHS Although I would recommend

HE SIGHS I'm sorry this all happened here.

HE SIGHS, DOORBELL RINGS

HE SLURPS Be quiet when you come back.

HE SNORES

HE SNORTS

HE SNORTS

He sometimes thinks he might be able to heal the Great Schism.

HE SPLUTTERS

He wanted his loan written off and, well, he succeeded.

He was like, "Come on!" And I was like, "No, no."

He was OK, but he was writing to the Pope.

He won't. And if he does, what are we supposed to do? Stop him?

HE YAWNS

He'd written the Nicene Creed all over his legs.

He's 30 next year.

He's a burglar.

He's a cadaver, Mark. He's toast.

He's a devil, he's a saint.

He's a real 21 degree er.

He's around the whole time. I know how you feel about Duncan.

He's being detained at capitalism's pleasure.

He's gone.

He's got a multiple personality disorder, basically.

He's happy, he's furious.

He's harmless, he's deadly.

He's not a bank robber, Jeremy.

He's not always a good man.

He's not an alpha male asshole.

He's not answering.

He's queueing.

He's quick. He slips them on and off.

He's quite obviously going to shoot everyone. What?!

He's resting and writing a great blog about digital rights

He's right! Offensive behaviour! In he goes.

He's saving money to spend on a never ending court battle.

He's using my mug, Mark. They're all my mugs, Jez.

Hear, hear.

Heart, Magic, dead.

Heating window and the flat looks incredibly warm.

Heh heh heh heh heh...

Hello, how hard can I shaft you today?

Hello, Jeremy. Surprise.

Hello. Hello.

Hello...Jeremy. Mark.

Help yourself to hummus.

Help, don't let them kill me. Oh, Angus, don't be a big silly.

Here we go.

Here, fishy.

Here's to Jeremy and three amazing months on the Med.

Hey there, little buddy!

Hey there, little guy! High five! 'Ugh, the high five.

Hey, Alan. What's up, captain? What's the skinny on the dope?

Hey, Dobs. Sorry, am I interrupting?

Hey, hey, hey, Marco. How you going, good buddy?

Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey! I got him. He's bagged.

Hey, I know what the weird atmosphere is.

Hey, Jez.

Hey, less of the "old", young man.

Hey, Mark, Dobs forgot the charger. Can I grab it?

Hey, Mark, Gregory forgot his toothbrush. Oh, hey, Jez.

Hey, Mark, there's Ian.

Hey, Mark. Hi!

Hey, that's my duvet! I don't think so.

Hey!

Hey. Er, my toothbrush isn't charging.

Hey. I thought you'd be here tomorrow.

Hey. Oh, hi.

Hi there. I know you've probably got plans tonight,