Chappelle's Show - Season 2 Edit

A badonkadonk is like a, uh,

A badonkadonk.

A badonkadonk.

A barber in Brooklyn who claims that 100%

A bird that you bring home and wear out.

A black dude comes up to you,

A brand new True Hollywood Story from Charlie Murphy.

A bubble that to me signified nothing else

A bunch of shit that you don't need

A China chung chang

A China chung chung chang.

A cigarette bought at the store,

A cigarette.

A Civil War veteran who goes to Japan

A damsel in distress during the Civil War.

A day in the life of a black barbershop

A dollar?

A fellatious woman.

A filthy, big lipped beast!

A first round absolutely chock full of surprises.

A gay chapter of the Klu Klux Klan.

A ho or an ugly woman.

A incredibly attractive ass.

A little town called,

A little weird.

A loose cigarette.

A lot of Bush votes in the room.

A lot of flak I've been getting

A lot of people don't know that but,

A lot of rappers have been asking me to be in their videos.

A man is born.

A moment in the life of Lil' Jon.

A moment in the life of Lil' Jon.

A moment in the life of Lil' Jon.

A mouth's a mouth, man.

A moving vehicle took my family

A New York City police officer.

A ****ar's ever got in this restaurant.

A pivotal show in black culture.

A positive pattern keep life on track

A rump un tomp a rump un ting

A rumpa tumpa tump a rump un sting

A sensitive accusation for this administration

A single cigarette.

A stranger?

A sugar cookie, man.

A time machine.

A tremendous opportunity for me.

A warrant?!

A whee

A whee

A woman that likes to suck penis.

A'ight, you know what, I'm tired.

A'ight?!

A'ight.

Aaah!

Aaahh!

Aah, you Darkness...

Aah!

Aahh!

Aahh!

Aahhh!

About "keeping it real."

About being in Hollywood that were so crazy.

About drugs in this country.

About how I've changed over the years.

About the appropriateness of the "N" word.

About the first black dude that did something,

About these young brothers from the city of wind

About which half of Tiger Woods is hitting the ball so good.

Absolutely not!

Absolutely not.

Absolutely.

Accept the White Delegation's offer to draft Colin Powell,

According to Rick James.

Accounting's complaining about us misleading the stockholders

Actually identify themselves as "N" words?

Actually, it's my penis

Actually, you better watch your mouth, white boy,

Adios, Mr. Sanford.

Aey yo, two words, chi town, south side, world wide

African American studies and history

Afrika Bambaataa and the Zulu Nation.

After a short trial, Brenda was sentenced to six years

After carefully examining the region,

After it was all over,

After the historic dump began,

After these messages.

After these messages.

Afternoon, ladies.

Again?

Again.

Agreed, agreed, handsome guy.

Agreed.

Ah ha ha haaa!

Ah, "Fat Janitor Guy."

Ah, and for the record, these charges hurt me the most.

Ah, I always wanted to say this...

Ah, I'd like to say,

Ah, kiss my ass.

Ah, Stevenson, party of four.

Ah, these bags, were they in your

Ah, under mistaken identity.

Ah, we're the ****ar family.

Ah...

Ah... thanks, guys.

Ahh, a smoke.

Ahh, Darkness!

Ahh, skeet skeet skeet skeet!

Ahh, this place is sick.

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh.

Ahh.

Ahhh!

Ahhh...

Ahhhh!

Ahhhhh...!

Ain't no damn after school special.

Ain't nothin' wrong with that.

Ain't that a "B?"

Ain't that right, shorty?

Ain't the best thing, then take a look at this.

All his talk about "keeping it real"

All in?

All in.

All kinds.

All of you kids disgust me.

All right then.

All right, all right,

All right, and what is the correct lyric?

All right, bitch, let's settle this right now.

All right, but I'm about to go from Ashy to classy.

All right, but I'm getting off the point now.

All right, Charlie was definitely funny,

All right, come on, let's just hurry up.

All right, coming up now are the ****

All right, first scenario:

All right, go ahead and show the clip.

All right, go ahead, go ahead.

All right, guys, we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

All right, here we go.

All right, here's where it starts getting

All right, how about you, me at 24?

All right, I have a hard time with it myself.

All right, I'm gonna go to work and tell everybody

All right, I'm ready.

All right, I'm sorry, you're eliminated.

All right, if I saw a tape of R. Kelly peeing on a girl

All right, it's time for your next challenge:

All right, just hold on.

All right, just show 'em, like,

All right, last season, we started the series off

All right, let me guess.

All right, look, if you just remember

All right, look, Oprah,

All right, look...

All right, more power to me.

All right, now, all right.

All right, now, here's another stinker.

All right, peace ****ar!

All right, ready?

All right, right here.

All right, Rita, Tyrone, here is your final stunt.

All right, Rita, you're up first.

All right, so the crowd's still kind of with us.

All right, so then Shucky Ducky comes out

All right, take care.

All right, thank you so much

All right, thank you, baby.

All right, that's enough.

All right, the only way I'll open the studio up now,

All right, this is goin' great!

All right, this is what's up:

All right, this next one was offensive,

All right, this one nobody got,

All right, time to straighten you up!

All right, Ty, it's up to you.

All right, Ty.

All right, we're gonna have to add a few more to the mix.

All right, we're gonna take a quick commercial break y'all.

All right, welcome back, welcome back.

All right, well, instead of calling him Colt 45,

All right, well, let's see how I handle

All right, well, no hustling me.

All right, you're walking down the street, right,

All right!

All right!

All right!

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. All right.

All right...

All right...

All right...

All three of these men have difference psyches

All we needed was bop bop bop bop bop ba domp

All we needed was... back in the day

All you have to do is beat Jeff's time of seven seconds

All you have to do is eat a little bit

All your dreams will come true.

All your possessions will be seized immediately by the court

Allow me reintroduce myself, my name is Homes.

Almost immediately.

Although America is the greatest nation in the world,

Although America is the greatest nation in the world,

Although they're the last,

Aluminum!

Amazing.

America's #1 source for offensive comedy.

America's favorite, my favorite...

Amongst the hustle, titties and skin

An electric piano.

An evil bubblin'.

An incredible stare down

An old man told me

An opportunity to serve their communities,

An opportunity to serve their communities,

An opportunity to serve their communities.

And "holler at bitches" for ya.

And "The World Series of Dice."

And a lot of people ask me,

And a man with a sexual appetite

And a set of trousers.

And a witness heard strange bangings

And all of a sudden I heard someone go...

And all that good stuff.

And all this stuff.

And all you see is me walking off in slow motion

And almost on cue the game gets robbed.

And as for her boyfriend Jamal..

And as soon as they say "okay, roll sound"

And be right back.

And be that much closer to $50,000.

And beat him.

And became the first person in his family to attend college.

And because there may have been

And being at dinner tables with them

And blowing the employee pensions and...

And bought myself a roast beef sandwich

And bragging rights for the whole year.

And British Prime Minister Tony Blair

And Brown versus the Board of Education

And Bryant Gumbel.

And can quit whenever they want.

And Charlie bends over,

And charming.

And chill with me and make my pockets bigger

And choosing the entire Wu Tang Clan.

And disrespect like that again."

And do like my daddy did

And don't call us wetbacks, ****ar.

And everybody in the room for being here

And everybody in the room is pretty much in my age range,

And everyone across America, but everyone across the world.

And everyone at home for supporting the show.

And everyone just busts out laughing.

And everyone was suffering the house was feeling wicked

And evidently, fear is not a factor for you.

And faced nine years in prison.

And fat too!

And feel responsible for the welfare of my own environment!

And finally, from these very projects, local legend

And finish off the job Kabbalah started.

And finish yourself off, Darius.

And get breast milk from a Cambodian immigrant.

And get the big ones.

And give you that rock you always had your eye on.

And guess what?

And had a simple choice to make:

And Hamburg and all these guys come out and do

And handled things in very different ways.

And hate on people.

And have sex all fuckin' day.

And have the best time?

And havin' a syringe lodged in my fuckin' head,

And he ain't hit the pipe in front of me yet!

And he gets on the couch and says:

And he had this other cat named "Mickey Free."

And he put me on to the hottest psychic ever,

And he stepped back and his eyes welled up with water

And he tells his dog to sick us.

And he tells us these crazy stories,

And he told me, he told Neal, and we just ran with it.

And he told us one story that was so good

And he was mad ******ish, man,

And he was with his whole crew

And he's getting close to you

And he's looking in the camera like...

And he's looking right in our eyes as he grinds his mud...

And here he comes out the room, when I look at him...

And here's how I handled the same type of situation at 24.

And his father, a Jew, was her lawyer.

And his grandmother has to be there

And his hands is out like this...

And hopefully I'll see you next week.

And I am not disrespecting the U.N.

And I asked him, I said,

And I can't deal

And I can't see it, blind to the eyes

And I don't know if you've read USA Today,

And I ended up having to whip his ass, man,

And I even did one myself, which is pretty hilarious,

And I get a pig testicle dinner with all the fixins.

And I had my shit slicked to the side and all that.

And I had to straighten him out.

And I had to whip his legs

And I have no one to go to!

And I hope they burn in hell!"

And I hope they burn in hell!"

And I hope you enjoy it.

And I know alcohol companies sponsor my show.

And I know how forgetful you ****ars are

And I know it seems like the sketches we do are racey

And I look at them and, um...

And I made up my mind then and there

And I mean, everything he says is funny.

And I put on my make up.

And I refuse to lose.

And I said, "look, bitch, I'm Rick James.

And I said, "yo, I'll be right back."

And I see that he really forgot.

And I think you'll be surprised at what we found.

And I walk from there, I went in the other section

And I want to represent you.

And I want to represent you.

And I was behind the bar.

And I was working the double shift at the steel mill.

And I was, like,

And I would like to thank cocaine

And I would like to thank Rick James,

And I would love for you to come out and do the show."

And I wouldn't wanna cross 'em.

And I, madame, through my music,

And I'd like to thank each and every one of you

And I'd like to thank everybody at home for watching.

And I'd like to thank you at home for watchin'.

And I'll come and put some salt in a minute.

And I'll have mine,

And I'll see you in Chicago.

And I'll show it to you right now.

And I'm being treated less than fairly.

And I'm chillin'

And I'm excited to see who's gonna be drafted by which race.

And I'm gonna lay down my burden

And I'm livin' it through this song

And I'm looking back at him thinking to myself,

And I'm not bullshitting you, man,

And I'm thinking maybe I could give you some ideas

And I've been seeing that there's been a lot of, like,

And if I was hanging with Rick,

And if this is a little sensitive...

And if you ask me, he's looking blacker already.

And if you're a gay black person

And in entertainment are on the line tonight.

And in his car.

And in some people, it's more than others.

And in the course of shooting this sketch,

And inhabited by a colorful cast of characters

And initial there, for oral.

And it comes down to these two men,

And it damn sure wasn't the men's department."

And it goes a little something like this...

And it just makes it seem like dudes go out and drink beer,

And it looked like something that a figure skater would wear.

And it sounds like "hangin' in a jury,"

And it's just coming out on the market

And it's on none other than HBO.

And it's very hard to explain these things to your children.

And just in time, here comes dumb ass Ashy Larry.

And just initial there, if you decline anal.

And just like that, Grits is eliminated.

And just started grinding mud all into the couch, man.

And just wait,

And konichiwa, bitches.

And Latins love congos and electric piano

And Leonard laying it on thick.

And Leonard takes a slug to the leg.

And let them clean your butt cheeks

And lick the whole side of their face, man.

And listen to some music?

And lookin' at the girls and everything.

And love each other, or this will never work.

And made it clear the U.S. will act

And make love to his bosom, if I wanted to.

And make sure you rub them both with mayonnaise

And make sure your people is there to see the game.

And marry Liza Minelli's husband

And marry Shirley Temple Black.

And masturbate.

And maybe only Racial Draft here in New York City.

And me and John went to different locations

And me and my penis is like this, son.

And Mickey Free was, like, the new cat in Shalamar

And modern problems require modern solutions.

And modern problems require modern solutions.

And my apologies for being late

And Neal taking notes...

And no side effects, it's all natural.

And nothing makes me happier than to be able

And now for the final question.

And now it's time for our musical performance

And now let's see who's gonna be the winner of

And now take it from the start

And now they wanna make a deal with me

And now they've got "The Last Samurai"

And now we take 'em to the 1840s.

And now we will show you why.

And now, "Mooney On Movies."

And now, ladies and gentlemen.

And now, let's take a look at 30 year old Dave.

And now...

And now...

And of course, the spinach green.

And on that note,

And one can is a lifetime supply, trust me.

And one of the best lookin' motherfuckers you've ever seen.

And one reason only,

And part of one of my favorite groups.

And people say, Dave, you talk about everybody

And poetry style.

And precision guided bombs, centering on Baghdad.

And Prince came in there.

And Prince was the shit, you know what I'm saying?

And prompt taxpayer.

And put their knowledge

And put this theory to the test.

And Quest Love from The Roots appear in our sketch.

And reading the papers,

And right now a meeting is in progress.

And says may I have a...

And see what we can find

And seen, you know, on the screen somewhere.

And she did her damndest to make sure that I knew it.

And she even wrote a Kabbalah children's book.

And she will be,

And should be asleep in a matter of minutes.

And show your insides some style.

And sing the songs that I like to sing.

And so I to did what I had to did 'cause I had the kid

And so, that threw me in a weird space 'cause I'm, like,

And some people just like to party

And sometimes I even think I pray a little bit too much

And sparked this whole controversy

And speaking of business, yeah...

And spend... two months at Club Fed?

And stinks of gasoline even when he's not at the station.

And stuff is still kinda going good in the sketch...

And stuff it down the drain!

And take what would be known

And takin' the first...

And teaches the emperor's troops how to fight.

And telling us all to get butt naked.

And that better not be the money

And that was the premise of the sketch.

And that's a good thing

And that's from the heart.

And that's Leonard Washington.

And that's palatable to them

And that's when we get to arguing.

And the American legal society picked up the case

And the bags have been in your possession the whole time?

And the black dude went out as "Black Gallagher."

And the Chinese culture, and shit.

And the crowd is here to support their races.

And the girl was holding two forms of government ID,

And the insurance industry

And the kids and everybody.

And the mustache, you know, just drawn on his face.

And the nation at large.

And the other day,

And the other thing, cooperative.

And the police found a bloody glove on O.J.'s property

And the reason he thinks that

And then he screams out...

And then he takes drugs to keep his cock erect

And then I was watching late at night

And then I would check him.

And then I'll be right back out, all right?

And then my son he can't talk

And then once you buy a pack,

And then Tenecia got involved.

And then these beer commercials come on

And then they put, like, crack dealers and shit

And then we just went to town

And then we would have fun after that.

And then what happened?

And then you go this cat standin' behind you

And there's Rick behind the bar.

And these bags have been

And they call the bitch biggie smalls.

And they said that they had reasonable doubt.

And they'd act like that's the best thing

And they'll send dudes to just go out to malls and stuff

And this my favorite family to deliver milk to...

And this ****a out here buyin' yellow cake.

And this was imprinted in that black head of his

And throw ya hands up hustlers, bustas, boostas

And to my left, "The Tyrannical Tea bagger"

And together we'll be fine.

And took it all the way to the Supreme Court.

And use the toilet.

And walk through northern New Jersey,

And we are going to test this theory this afternoon.

And we hate too, okay.

And we have a winner.

And we held him down,

And we just filmed him doing it.

And we just wailed on his legs.

And we laughing, I'm like,

And we standing there, looking at him

And we were able to subdue Mr. Jeffries.

And we were like, okay America's freaking out now,

And we will fine you.

And we will like 'em, we will like them!

And we would ride around the park 'til its after dark

And we would've killed O.J. After the first time

And we'd be more comfortable

And we'll see you next week!

And we're listening to the music and everything

And we're proud to be the first sponsor of the newest sleep aid

And welcome to the Marcy Projects

And what you looking at with your ashy ass lips?

And when I leave, come together like butt cheeks.

And when I said that, this look came on his face.

And when we get home hope the dog don't bark

And which I think is the worst,

And while we were shooting the sketch

And white people's power goes off they panic

And who's gloves are these?

And with your permission,

And yadda yadda yadda.

And you almost made it to night manager,

And you at home for watching.

And you got the pictures, you got the golf clubs...

And you know what?

And you know, our generation has a phrase we like to say,

And you realize it's kinda, like, just so nasty

And you will move on to the next round

And you will receive the mandatory minimum

And you...

And you're letting your desire for each other

And you're the champ...

And your crew of flunkies.

And, and in the bedroom too?

And, believe it or not

And, hey, you're Chris Rock!

And, no matter what the hue of your poo,

And, of course, what would a grand prize be

And, the motherfuckin' punk police

And, um, frankly,

And, um, I walk in and I'll never forget

And, well, that someone is you, Jon.

And, you at home, thanks for tuning in.

And, you know, it was a bug out, man.

Anne, it's all up to you.

Another actress on good times is Lenny Kravitz's mother.

Anthony Hamilton.

Antwone Fisher... he's still here.

Antwone, take a bow!

Any type of racial hatred.

Anything you say... fifth!

Anyway, he points the gun at us

Anyway, I waited for about

Apparently, shooting a slave master

Are all acceptable answers.

Are cast aside by society

Are gonna be taking this one.

Are having a science fair.

Are the various representatives.

Are very proud to announce our pick this year,

Are you aware of the charges that Michael Jackson

Are you aware that Mr. Simpson

Are you aware that Robert Blake

Are you checking any luggage today, sir?

Are you ready for some poetry, motherfuckers?

Are you ready to smash some fruit?!

Are you ready?

Are you ready?

Are you sure it was yellow cake?

Are you sure it's mine?

Are you sure it's mine?

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

Are you sure...

Are you sure... I can't believe you motherfuckers.

Are you the ****a that broke the bottle

Are you trying to get choked?

Are your horses here, yo?

Are...

Aren't your doubts unreasonable?

Arnold Schwarzenegger will divorce his wife

Arrows on tarot cards pointing to the grind

As a matter of fact, I predict this episode

As a matter of fact, if you knew

As a matter of fact, the choir from my church came.

As a part of the deal.

As a result of his hospital bills,

As America's leading black psychic, n****damus.

As I skeet skeet skeet all over the walls!

As I slept out on the sofa in the boom boom room

As I was saying at brunch

As is Mariah Carey's crazy ass.

As long we live, it's you and me baby.

As much as I thought they would.

As one of the most significant dumps

As the Chris Rock Show and Chappelle's Show.

As you can see tonight,

As you saw, this really is the Wayne Brady Show,

Ashy Larry.

Ashy Larry.

Ashy Larry.

Ashy Larry...

Ass and tits to the...

Ass and tits to the...

Ass tits ass and tits

Ass tits ass and tits

Assassinated on Saturday

Assassinated on Saturday

Assassinated on Saturday

Assassinated on Saturday

Assemble your crew, I'll be outside.

At Fordham University.

At home for watching,

At least I wasn't dangerous.

At our house.

At some of these celebrity trials,

At the baggage claim,

At the foot of the space shuttle.

At this point in the season, you're replaceable.

Available at all Wall Barts.

Aw, ma, shut up!

Aww, shit, it's Wayne Brady, son!

Aww... yeah!

Ay, curumba!

Aye!

Aye!

Babs, you just gonna sit there and chop onions right now?

Baby please, you make me want to scream

Baby, hey, baby, you mind if I get a happy ending?

Baby, you up?

Baby...

Back in the day now

Back in the day when things were cool

Back in the day when things were cool

Back then, we was the blackest ****as on the planet

Back yo'self, fool!

Bang, bang!

Barbershop is a smart comedy about

Barbershop, playa hated, mom and pop bootlegged it

Baretta did that shit.

Basically know now we get racially profiled

Be done in a second.

Be merry!

Be out in a minute, sweetie.

Be real real, son.

Be real, son. Be real?

Beans don't burn on the grill

Beans don't burn on the grill.

Beaten brutally by two white police officers,

Beautiful dump.

Because anytime you hear

Because Eddie could buy another one.

Because he has the receipt.

Because he just walked off your school clothes money.

Because he makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X.

Because he makes...

Because he saw me and you argue

Because he took all his money.

Because he was a Republican.

Because he was white.

Because he was white.

Because I didn't vote for Bloomberg.

Because I don't have no cab money to get from the airport

Because I don't think you know who you're talking to.

Because I just received word

Because I spit hot fire.

Because I'll think about anything

Because I'm telling you a story about Prince?

Because nobody in my family beef with O.J. like that.

Because now he is officially black.

Because of what he did on the couch.

Because one of the detectives is a possible racist,

Because she went bed with everybody, uh, but Mammy.

Because that meant so much.

Because the shock is really your body's way of

Because the whole episode's gonna be just like this.

Because they're all too arrogant.

Because they've got no toilet.

Because we'll be right back with more I know black people.

Because you don't understand what it looks like for us.

Because you'd hate to catch a beef

Because you're always trying distract motherfuckers

Because, to me, that is an act... of love.

Before he got arrested?

Before I put these gators up your ass

Before I sentence you,

Before we go any further...

Beginning to feel like Ms. Jackson done got cloned

Besides livin' in a trash can

Better not bring your kids!

Better not bring your kids!

Better not bring your kids!

Better not bring your kids!

Better not bring your kids!

Better not bring your kids.

Between Leonard and Grits.

Between shifts I went outside

Beyond a reasonable doubt,

Big Boi!

Big macs, fat folks

Big penis.

Billions on the war

Billy, what are you doin'?

Billy... billy!

Bitch, come over here and have sex with Charlie Murphy.

Bitch, I can't sit still, take this!

Bitch, I'm hollerin' at you.

Bitch!

Bitches.

Bitches... come here.

Black actors, man.

Black actors.

Black Gallagher, bitch!

Black Gallagher!

Black magic, Darkness!

Black people black people do that

Black people.

Black people.

Black people.

Black people.

Black people.

Black people.

Black people.

Black people.

Black people.

Black people.

Black people.

Blouses.

Blowin' on 'em.

Bob Eubanks lookin' motherfucker,

Bobble, why do people get high?

Bobble!