Chappelle's Show - Season 1 Edit

A beautiful Timeco gold wristwatch.

A black white supremacist?

A bunch of the girls from the "Big Pimpin'" video

A conversation, but what happens on these shows is all the guests

A distorted mind but in a way fortified

A few days later, Mr. Wilkes returned,

A film comes along that changes the way

A ga ga ga ga ga, hooray for me!

A ga ga ga ga ga, in your face!

A handicapped man with a heart of gold.

A Harlem resident named simply... Tron.

A hotchy cotchy hotchy cotchy.

A large fry...

A lot of basketball on the playground, growing up.

A lot of fun out here.

A lot of people said I was insensitive, so...

A lot of you might, uh, have questions

A man named Clayton Bigsby has been the leading voice

A manicured hand out like "pay me, ****a...

A multl ethnic, multl cultural patchwork.

A new set of titties and a boyfriend,

A personal crusade against the canine star.

A piece of ass.

A resident called 9 1 1 immediately.

A secret 1986 document from a major tobacco company

A security guard in Montgomery, Alabama.

A simple statement of protest from an angry young geek.

A smooth, pimped out player from the streets

A tandem that had racked up 14 cock blocks just a year earlier.

A total lack of fear.

A trillion dollars to African Americans

A Trojan, a slave that run deep, yo.

A truly wild day that none of us will ever forget,

A violent war has been waged between two bitter enemies,

A'ight, here I go.

A'ight?

A'ight?

A'ight?

Aaahh. Oh oh.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Ah...

Aah...!

About anything, can't he?

About how much funnier you are than us.

About your drug use.

Absconding with it to their hideout.

Actually, I'd feel more comfortable if I just

Actually, I'm answering your ad in the paper.

Address the allegations that this is somehow

Affectionately known throughout the league as "Smashly" Evans,

Affirmative action forces somebody...

After "Mr. Charlie",

After a night he chalked up to bad calls,

After a night of bad calls,

After a rival member of the 19th Street Gangsters,

After merging with Kentucky Fried Chicken.

After the game, Macculloch said that he was hurt

After the news that two million

Again, I'm hating all them Koreans.

Against iconic animals, breaking decades of silence.

Agh!

Agh!

Ah, aah!

Ah, for you, I give it to you for 100.

Ah, here it is.

Ah, what's up, y'all?

Ah, yes, the ca me ra. The ca me ra.

Ah!

Ahh, get your damned hands off of me!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh! Ahh!

Ahh! Hey, ahh, get away!

Ahh...

Ahh... ow, Little help!

AIDS was too.

Ain't dying for no damn WB.

Ain't no hesitation involved. A nation dissolved

Ain't sympathetic to the cause and wants to shoot you.

Ain't that the way it goes?

All Chinese people look alikThe Wrap It Up Boxe.

All live all day listen when the song say...

All of our trusted consultants are here to meet your needs.

All of them great men, all of them pioneers.

All right

All right, all right go ahead, dog.

All right, all right, let's take another look,

All right, baby.

All right, before you even say anything,

All right, come on, let's play.

All right, cool, man.

All right, dude, what's up, man?

All right, enjoy. Thanks a lot.

All right, everybody, get on the fucking floor!

All right, everybody, we'll take a quick commercial break

All right, everybody.

All right, fine, you little bitch.

All right, gang, we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

All right, guys, be good.

All right, here we go...

All right, I would like to know

All right, I'm hearing an accent.

All right, I'm player one, you're player two.

All right, I'ma tell you right now, I ain't crazy,

All right, Jasper, time to show these people

All right, let's get it goin'.

All right, little fella,

All right, look, we're gonna take a quick commercial break,

All right, make that beat drop.

All right, man, good to see ya.

All right, now, look, a lot of people

All right, okay, fine, fine.

All right, take care.

All right, thanks for coming, see you next week.

All right, we're gonna take a quick commercial break,

All right, we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

All right, we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

All right, y'all, look,

All right, y'all, we'll be right back,

All right, you too, man, take care.

All right!

All right! Hmm.

All right?

All right? Yeah.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All the reefer, none of the guilt.

All the white folks drive down 95

All these opportunities just open up.

All these years,

All y'all right here, I got something for ya.

All you need is some cocaine

All you, always, all you black guy, why?

Alone and by himself.

Also, I have a show on Comedy Central,

Although Len is the love of my life,

Although the penis through the hole thing

Am I freaking out?

Amazing news there

America, I'd like you to meet my good friend Paula.

America, this is Bibble.

America's at war with Al Qaeda,

Amongst the diverse array of people in America,

Amongst the diversity of Americans,

An asteroid was speeding towards Earth,

An epic motion picture was unleashed on America,

An intervention counselor. Oh!

And "Ask a Gay Dude."

And a banana cognac, biatch!

And a big bag of treats for these club rats.

And a big bag of treats for these club rats...

And a canine dental expert compared

And a cherry pie!

And a milkshake!

And ain't got nothin' like me, you know what I'm sayin'?

And all 'bout Bibble.

And all kinds of different chinks stink,

And all my favorite cartoon heroes came to my room

And all that silly "ching chang chong" talk.

And all the time, he kept it real.

And all your little kids is doin' is gettin' bigger.

And allowed him to have sex with Janet Jackson,

And any real fan of R. Kelly

And anytime you force somebody,

And as for you, Boss Hogg,

And as for you, my dear...

And as I sip my soda

And at the end of the week,

And ate cookies with me and sang songs for 16 hours.

And beat whoever made that suit to death.

And before I sentence you,

And Bill Gates has been overtaken.

And call it "Manifest Destiny".

And can have a calming effect on nerves."

And Clayton Bigsby, black white supremacist,

And come lay down with me.

And come up with a plan for the money.

And coming from Stephen King, that was very strange.

And consider treating a customer with respect,

And corn and chicken bones and shit in here.

And Danny Corey had never had sex.

And Dave Chappelle, the host, you see, yo.

And devised a way that I can compliment women

And do black people wanna get buried by black...

And don't ask me about drugs,

And dug up General Cornrow Wallace's body,

And earlier today, I caught up with the former Jedi knight

And eat all the cookies!

And every time I would do something sweet or cool,

And every track I give 'em, I'm just supporting factivism.

And filled with Cornrow's signature bird call.

And for the first time in my life...

And found footage from early in this century,

And foundeth her... her birthday present early.

And gave me a wine cooler.

And gave people the opportunity

And get all that shit, you got celery and lima beans

And get to the game.

And go back to Africa?

And go straight into the Holland Tunnel.

And Halle Berry.

And handle the change and stay sane and maintain...

And havin' their motherfuckin' lives taped...

And he goes by the name, Dave Chappelle!

And he had to figure out a way

And he had to figure out a way

And he hurt himself, okay?

And he is solely responsible for the wave of technology

And he never questioned it?

And hear disturbing audio from the hit TV show

And here's Paula again.

And here's Paula one more time.

And hold rank over friends who ain't got leadership skills.

And I actually happen to have a pretty white girl here.

And I am missing some of my draw's

And I could never figure out

And I don't know him, you might could help me out with that.

And I don't know what I did!

And I don't know what they're going to do.

And I don't think I'm gonna make the bank.

And I got an advanced copy on it,

And I got comedian Paul Mooney...

And I got none other than Mario Cantone,

And I gotta tell you, you guys are one

And I hate them!

And I heard you have a 16 inch penis.

And I know a lot of you white people at home

And I learned a lot from little T Mart.

And I mean bad like Catholic priest, R. Kelly bad.

And I need you to take care of it for me.

And I promise we'll be right back

And I said, "if I was dying of cancer, ******,

And I salute all who have had a Great Moment

And I saw that mad dash.

And I see a lot of things in the media

And I see it in you, Billy, you're gonna make it.

And I shalt smoketh it.

And I showed it to a black friend of mine.

And I think I tasted egg and cinnamon.

And I think they should also honor regular people

And I think this next piece might be the one to do it

And I thought we was just gonna be talking,

And I used to smoke grass with all the n**** jazz musicians.

And I was out at a club, I don't know if y'all knew this,

And I was too ashamed to go home.

And I will be back after these messages.

And I won't forget the...

And I would like a man.

And I would like to share it with you right now.

And I'd like to thank you at home for watching the show.

And I'd like to thank you at home for watching.

And I'd like to thank you at home for watching.

And I'll show you how.

And I'll tell you something else

And I'm back on my feet, baby.

And I'm black.

And I'm bringing those three cloned white women with me.

And I'm supposed to talk to the TV audience.

And I've had an opportunity to meet

And if a supervisor happens to ask you where you were,

And if I find out you been going through my shit,

And if it fell into the wrong hands

And if so, who are the culprits?

And if they got both, then tell them we use Linux.

And if they got that, tell them the computers are down.

And if you ever tell anybody I've been in here,

And if you haven't heard that joint, "Turn My Headphones Up",

And if you need money, sell rocks,

And if you think that I'm talking about you

And if you're watching this video,

And in the end,

And it hit me.

And it never gets harder than telling you guys

And it's like a game,

And it's realer than them songs that you dated K Slay.

And it's so simple to make!

And it's them mix tapes, too,

And Joey Newsom,

And just pay attention to the theoretical motherfuckers

And keep the island close to me

And ladies, excuse me.

And look at the penis on him! It's bigger than mine!

And Macaulay Culkin is trickin' these bad guys,

And made a lot of friends and had a really good time!

And make my face look na tur al.

And make some kind of mixture

And make them feel unwanted.

And make you my Nelly.

And Martin Johnson had it in spades.

And masturbate on the internet like I planned to.

And me and my friends would laugh and giggle

And me so little.

And meet a Latin American fellow named Martinez...

And Mickey Mouse was doing the bass line like this,

And my crew ain't scared to let them things go.

And my sorority sisters were, like, cheering me on.

And my straightened out types who be waitin' to hear

And needless to say... I get horny out there.

And nobody else but you.

And not to be stopwatched.

And now it's time to collect ad revenue

And now she wanna see the resident provokin' me

And now you want me to leave?!

And now, folks, it is time for a segment that I like

And now, for those on the go, the Travel Stenographer.

And of course, Bibble, who's been so kind

And of course, the so called "beautiful".

And on that note, we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

And one little titty,

And one of the things it's given me an opportunity to do

And other gangstas then decided

And poured morton salt all over 'em.

And put some water in Buc Nasty's mama's dish

And put them together in a group?

And quite frankly, I'll miss them both very much.

And rallied the troops with a most impassioned speech.

And reach into his pants to...

And right guard, Denisha "Bear" Bryant,

And Roc A Fella's about to get all up in that ass...

And selling it on what little space they still controlled.

And sent to members of the 19th Street Gangsters.

And shit and start bein' real.

And should you ever doubt yourself

And skip scap skanks and scallywags..

And smack the broom out your hand?

And smoke marijuana after school.

And some baking soda...

And some say one of the best comedians working today.

And some weed, too.

And somebody's gonna adopt you, right like this!

And something cold to drink?

And sometimes they can go overboard and it's real sad

And spend this money before y'all honkeys

And still get to the club before last call

And swing it and swing it upon thee!

And take $5, $10, maybe $20 out her purse,

And tell 'em when you see 'em,

And that DVD he had and his album,

And that shit get so emotional,

And that the Jedi Council knew about it all along,

And that wasn't me, Rhonda!

And that, ******, that's how you make a hit, bitch!

And that's an order, soldier.

And that's frank, the human resources man at my office.

And the 19th Street Crew rage to this day.

And the Black Star embassy B to the K.

And the enzymes and shit collaborate together,

And the reason I'm talking about them

And the shot clock is running out.

And the word on the street is late night,

And then a dude will see one of y'all walking by,

And then expect him to live a normal life.

And then I stayed home the other day,

And then I was watching the History Channel

And then I'm on my way to recovery, Rhonda.

And then there was that one night in my room.

And then there was the incident with the powder.

And then they divorced...

And then we'll be back with more Chappelle's Show.

And then we'll watch Martin Lawrence.

And then with iTunes,

And then, he basically told them

And then, I did a show after that

And then, suddenly the negotiations fell apart

And there you have it.

And there's bad sex.

And there's juice in the kitchen.

And these are parsnips.

And these little ones are 10 and 11 years old.

And they call that bitch "biggie smalls"!

And they fall in love?

And they have something they'd like to say to you.

And they just came with it, man.

And they objectify women, and I don't appreciate that.

And they seem a little fake, don't they?

And they stink!

And they'll say the same things over and over again.

And they're hurting me.

And this is Joe Rogan from NBC's Fear Factor.

And this is Mos Def, Pretty Flaco,

And this is where it happens,

And though people say I'm insane,

And three days ago,

And to you and yours, a Merry Christmas.

And to you and yours, a Merry Christmas.

And tonight, we have a tape of just such an event.

And Tron got me in a, uh... a sleeper hold.

And turn them loose on the streets.

And walk it off.

And we can meet, talk about white brotherhood.

And we have nobody to thank,

And we know that Martinez' stuff is the bomb!

And we want to say something to you,

And we, including myself...

And we'll be right back

And we'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

And we'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

And we'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

And we're gonna start shootin' this puppy.

And we've come to take over your show.

And what we uncovered... may shock you.

And when I'm letting off a round don't get in the cross.

And when you rock it's just impersonations of me.

And whupped your monkey ass in some street hoops.

And winning her over with one of his hysterical

And with this last switch,

And you brought your camera, that's perfect!

And you can see the last person they had sex with.

And you don't have insurance, do you?

And you don't have to take shit from anyone.

And you don't need these big Brooklyn feet in your ass.

And you guessed it,

And you had sex with Katie.

And you here in the studio

And you know, when you at home,

And you'll get to see what we can see...

And you're all gonna die.

And your mind on your task.

And, certain moments, you can't suspend your disbelief.

And, I mean, I'm serious.

And, in many ways, to the white power movement.

And, in short, all hell has broken loose.

And, of course, I'd like to thank you at home

And, some would say,

And, uh, I don't know who's gonna win,

And, uh, well, here's one of their stories.

And, um, I worked my way through it.

And, you know, they're not bad after unprotected sex

Angel?

Ann, I have loved you from the moment that I met you.

Any black dude in New York would have been like,

Anybody try and touch your mother,

Anyhow, here with the weather is our old pal,

Anyone have sex with my sister, it's gonna be me!"

Anyone who grew up around Reagan had drug awareness week, right?

Anyway...

Appalled even the hardest thugs.

Appalling Yoda's behavior was.

Appreciate your bodies for what they are

Are alive to offer a rebuttal.

Are all their dicks really big?

Are either dead or in jail.

Are making out with their reparations checks.

Are we talking "C" cups?

Are y'all ready to ride?

Are you listening?

Are you serious?

Are you sick of your friends and family

Are you sighing, or are you just... breathing normally?

Are your cameras still on?

Are your eardrums open for Christening?

Armadale, for shizzle.

Armadale!

Arsenio Hall teeth!

As a matter of fact, I'll show you a little bleeper... blooper.

As dope as that was,

As early as 1930, some stuff from the '50s,

As much as I just don't like the way

As much as it is what's gotten out of you.

As one of the bad boys of the league

As proof positive that it happened before hip hop.

As reparations for slavery.

As soon as a black network...

As the pass went up, Johnson sprung into action.

As we arrived at Mr. Bigsby's book signing.

As well intentioned as it may be...

As well,

As you all know, there's an asteroid the size of Maine

As you can imagine, here on the market.

As you can see, though, from the tape,

Ashley Evans,

Ask Whitney and Bobby, don't ask me that question.

At "Popular Copy".

At Comedy Central, but don't go anywhere,

At home in the wide shot,

At Newscenter 3 hours ago.

At Newscenter 3 to see how those black folks

At that moment, Johnson heard the eminent whistle

At the battle of the Kool Moe Dee concert,

At the dubba WB.

At the perfect time...

At Wu Tang Financial, we'll work with you

Attention, everybody,

Available at all Walbogs.

Available in stores, now.

Aw, girl... (cell phone ringing)

Aw, that kid is fine, come on, he was acting.

Aw, that was just nasty!

Aw, you lost me.

Aw!

Awesome!

Ay, dog, ay.

Ay!

Aye, aye.

Ba ba ba boo, ba ba ba boo

Baby, will you marry me?

Back to you in the studio now.

Back to you.

Back to you.

Backpack sold separately.

Bam!

Bam!

Bang it, bang it boom bang, diggy boom.

Bang it, bang it, boom bang diggy boom boom.

Bang it, bang it, boom bang, diggy boom boom.

Based on stereotypes.

Bashing these brothers,

Basically, Tyrone,

Bathroom upkeep is important to us here at "Popcopy".

Batter had him on the hawk since Atlanta extravaganza.

Battled in the wilderness of North America

Battlin' middle passages I can't go back again.

Battlin' years of denied history,

Be careful if you get a sleeper hold

Be good to each other.

Be on the lookout for any envelopes marked

Be prepared to get zapped

Be right back.

Be sure to spray chocolate sauce on the wall near the toilet

Beat it, you sorry ******!

Beautiful on the weekends does stunts

Because a brother can't get enough of that ass.

Because at the end of the day,

Because for the first time on our show,

Because I was unprepared.

Because if you was paying attention to his music

Because if you're cocky and you think you got hold of this,

Because it's a violation of my parole to be around children.

Because that's how I got this...

Because the next day your anus will really hurt.

Because the world's going to end any day now.

Because we've got Mos Def when we come back, man.

Because you helped make a great set of New York boobs.

Because, I, for myself, have put my mind to it,

Beef ain't the Summer jam for Hot 97.

Beef don't come with a radio edit.

Beef is high blood pressure and bad credit.

Beef is Iraq, the West Bank and Gaza Strip.

Beef is not what Ja said to 50.

Beef is not what these famous ****as do on the mic.

Beef is oil prices and geopolitics.

Beef is real life, happenin' every day

Beef is the cocaine and AIDS epidemic.

Beef is tryin' to figure out what to tell his son.

Beef is Walt and Irv not bein' here with me.

Beef is what George Bush would do in a fight.

Beef is when a gangsta ain't doin' it right

Beef is when a gold digger got your seed in her,

Beef is when the crack kids can't find moms

Beef is when the judge is calling you defendant.

Beef is when workin' ****as can't find jobs.

Beef is when your girl come through for a visit

Beef, it come with a long jail sentence

Before I cut some bacon off your back.

Before I put your ass outside, mm.

Before they find out the town law is strictly enforced.

Before you pack them away for the winter.

Before you start I'm gonna fart,

Before you wished them sweet tits away.

Bein' put in a motherfuckin' house...

Being sexually abused by Jedis like Obi Wan Kenobi.

Believe me, I should know, I've had it since 1979.

Believe me.

Besides, Sheila, even girls love girls with huge tats,

Bet I blew your mind right there, didn't I?

Better get rid of it, before one of our customers

Better not bring your kids

Better not bring your kids!

Better not bring your kids.

Better, better... how the fuck do I know?

Between the two groups.

Bibble is a space creature that lives very far away

Bibble, come on up.

Bids on it!

Billy is getting his ass whupped on street hoops,

Billy, don't you die on me, don't you die on me!

Billy, I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry, dude.

Billy, look at my game, it must hurt.

Billy?

Billy?

Billy?

Billy?

Bip i dee bop... Bip i dee bop...

Bitch, I'll never forgive you for this.

Bitch, I'm tellin' ya!

Bitch. Mommy?

Black Dante, The Boogieman.

Black people are always worried about, like in Barbershop.

Black people got their reparations checks today,

Black people just like to party.

Black people walk like that 'cause we have style,

Black people wanna go to black dentists,

Black Star, Mos Def and Talib Kweli.

Blah, blah...

Bobby Hutchinson had spent the night

Bobby Hutchinson, yet another great player responsible

Bobby struck quickly, approaching the coveted Morris

Bobby went into his hurry up offense.

Boo ya!

Boo yah!

Boob capital of North America,

Booty fuck Kenny, man

Both prior attempts by Bobby were stuffed

Boy, she had some sweet New York boobs.

Boy, so much to talk about tonight.

Boy, that R. Kelly can make a love song

Boys, get her away from me!

Br br br bromsky.

Brian: "I am afraid, I just feel like someday

Bridgett Wexler is the home's headmistress.

Brilliant... just brilliant!

Bringeth!

Brother got a nice car...

Brothers are packing, they seem to be packing.

Buc Nasty is nominated for...

Buc Nasty, what can i say about that suit

Bunch of bitches.

But all his rookie inexperience gave him one clear advantage:

But all these black people,

But anyone in the know

But before we go I just want to say,

But check mine out.

But come on in!

But don't despair,

But don't go anywhere 'cause we're coming right back

But don't go nowhere,

But don't go nowhere,

But don't worry,

But enough about that.

But first step is first, I need to go to the bathroom,

But he sends his regards: Doo da doo da doo da

But he's also a fantastic comedian

But his daddy shouldn't have looked at her like that,

But Hutchinson recovered the block and exploited

But I caught him like he was doing a thing, he was like...

But I collect DVDs.

But I didn't know how.

But I digress from my point...

But I don't like to be forced.

But I feel like drugs is hurting you

But I felt like I really just needed to find myself.

But I felt like it was just too much clickity clack,

But I gotta tell you,

But I love video games, anytime, all the time.

But I think that's about to change.

But I'm gonna do mine real.

But I'm gonna tell you something.

But I'm working on it.

But I'ma hit y'all off with a little taste of the remix.

But I've been having fun since the show came out, man.

But I've just handed in my resignation here

But if we do, we black people have got to get together,

But if you think that my show is immature,

But in an effort to bring his message to a wider audience,

But irreparable damage has been done to his reputation

But is it racist?

But it wasn't her scarf.

But it wouldn't be the last.

But it's "O'Dweeds", man.

But it's all right, gentlemen,

But my black ass got 20/20 vision.

But nobody wanna be a ******, how about that question?

But not just any basketball shoes.

But nothing!

But now, we turn your attention to a classic war

But please, don't go anywhere

But since none of the black players showed up,

But that show moves me!

But the fate of the world...

But the music is scandal proof, you know what I'm saying?

But the ****a looks shiny to me.

But the thing that makes me, like, mad about...

But then, you know, I was like, you know what?

But they did, they did come up with enough money

But they say perseverance is the hallmark of a champion,

But this bugged me out

But this is a big place, how can...

But upbeat because he,

But was too drunk to realize it.

But we did speak to one member, Earl "The Snake" White.

But we'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

But we're still losing the war against Al Sharpton!

But what the crew did next

But what y'all call beef is no beef at all.

But what you said about those titties is.

But where would I find a titty from?

But worse come to worse,

But worse than Mr. Ed, worse even than Rin Tin Tin,

But you done scorched the earth.

But you know what it is?

But you must do exactly as I say.

But you still said, not five minutes ago, that

But you're afraid, again, 'cause you're afraid to ask.

But, but more noteworthy than that is

But, getting to Mr. Bigsby was an odyssey in itself,

But, I get the feeling that Katie, you know,

But, I, for one, I'm gonna say it publicly,

But, sir, the wet floor...

But, unfortunately, you and I have run out of time.

But, whatever it is, it's non stick.

But, you know, girls get mad at these kinds of things,

But, you know, we tryin' to be, you know, comvenial about this.

But... but, Leonard, it's okay, I'm waxed.

Buying paint to put your face on the wall.

By a German Shepherd from Dusseldorf, Germany."

By just telling him and all the other blind kids

By me having a white friend, like, "how incredible,

By one of these customer people.

By that, of course, I mean your massive milk bladders.

By the size of her boobies, now would they?

By the tough defensive line that Morris traveled with,

Bye bye

Bye, baby, I'll see you later.

Bye, ******s, bye bye!

Bye.

C'mon, a clickety clack, a clickety clack.

C'mon, Katie, let's go.

Cadillac announced that they sold three million

Call me later, man.

Call me on my cell, 917...

Call now

Call this number now, and let Dave

Came forward with similar accusations

Camera works, $100.

Can anybody take this drunk, horny, crazy woman home?

Can black guys jump high?

Can I call you daddy?

Can I get a receipt?

Can I help you?

Can I help you?

Can I help you?

Can I hit that?

Can I say "pee on people"

Can I tell you something?

Can I tell you something? Yes.

Can we cut tape?

Can we roll the footage of that tape in question?

Can we stop the tape?

Can you come have dinner with us, Dave?

Can you repeat the question?

Can you say marijuana?

Can you tell me why?