Key and Peele - Season 3 Edit

A couple of times, you know, here and there.

A little window pops up, and you click OK,

Aaaaaahhh...

Aaaah!

Aaaah...

Ah ha ha ha!

Ah, man, she's just... he's like, Oh, man, come on. What?

Ain't none of y'all old enough

All right, we're gonna take a little roll here.

All right, yeah, man. Now, here we go.

All right, you guys gotta go, man.

All right, you guys gotta go, man.

All right, you know what?

All right. all right.

Although, you know, if you're a white dude named Aaron,

Amongst other things,

An automatic software update,

Anal, squirting, plopping.

And a lady sucks on it.

And don't worry, everybody,

And electronic activities.

And google plopping.

And I ain't talkin' about the president. Boop.

And I assure you

And I'm turnin' the tide.

And it's just one of those things,

And just chuck it out a window.

And long as it's not that weird stuff.

And maybe... maybe get...

And my rhymes, they start to flow.

And no matter what you do, you can push and shove

And on my right, we got the challenger.

And scream, but we'll never get disqualified.

And she'll go, What the... what you doin'?

And sometimes what we'll do

And then it gets installed, so...

And these fake ass Timberlands.

And we are Key and Peele.

And we're happy to be back.

And what pray tell...

And what's funny is the spectrum of fandom is easy.

And when I came back, my history was gone,

And you went to school, and they started calling you A.A. Ron...

And you're a fan of Key and Peele,

And you're thinking about me. Right?

And, look, there Catwoman up on this bitch.

Anyone who's in a club... stand your ass up.

As far as you think you need to.

As long as it's not that sick, twisted S&M stuff.

As Reeon Seacrest,

As the U.S. government spying on their digital

Aww. Can I ask you a quick question?

Baby, gimme a little credit.

Back and forth, but we don't never have to quit

Backhand his ass off the mic!

Balakay, I... Here's the thing.

Balakay, what club are you in?

Be honest, babe. it's porn, right?

But I taught in the inner city

But if you are... if you're 62 years old

But just remember,

But let me ask you a question.

But you know, we got an... an opportunity

But you're on ice.

Can you travel through time, Jay Quellin?

Can't we speak?

Chicanerous and deplorable.

Cluster....[bleep]!

Come on, what are you, a horse?

Dedicated to a TV show!

Did I st st st st st stutter?

Every day in the month of February, y'all.

Fine. I'll play.

For leaving this classroom? Tym Oh Thee.

For over 20 years.

For this Wednesday, February biscuit fountain jerk.

For, like, 15 minutes.

From these policies.

From using weapons of mass destruction.

Future leaders of America.

Gimme that [bleep] hat!

Go get it, now. that's a boy. Oh

Go straight to your computer

Go to sleep, y'all.

Go, kids.

Good

Good to see ya.

Good to see ya.

Good to see you, man. all right

Got their guy to see it by just being, like,

Great.

Has been a challenge.

He don't even know, man. Hey, listen, man.

He objects!

Hello, my fellow Americans.

Hey, boo. how you doing?

Hey, dawg, get your... hey, hey!

Hey, girl, I'm home.

Hey, hey, get your boy...

Hey, hey! Remember... no, no, hey!

Hey, keep doing what you're doing though.

Hey, man.

Hey, what's happenin'?

Hey, your boy Wolverine is in there.

Hey. Hey.

Hi!

Hmm.

Hmm. That's weird.

Hooooo...

Horses? Worse than horses?

How 'bout you, Dee Nice?

How would you know if you're gonna be a leader

Hwah!

I ain't tryin' to trick you.

I ain't trying to shut you down.

I am Jordan Peele.

I am Keegan Michael Key.

I assumed you did anyways. I mean, every guy does.

I can assure you, the American people,

I come to the movies for you.

I did this for you.

I don't even know why I'm about to ask you this.

I don't know, maybe there's something wrong

I just want you to look out and imagine a place, man,

I leave to go out, the next time I open the computer,

I like kinky.

I stole a cop a feel from your girl's breasteses!

I think that would be great. Yeah, that would...

I think... you know, race is really polarizing...

I used the computer before I went to the store,

I want you to look out on the lake, man.

I'm Diller Killer, in the house

I'm enjoying the program, young man.

I'm gonna throw you out the goddamn window!

I'm in the Chess club.

I'm Metta World Peace. Good night.

I'm more than happy to play some games with y'all.

I'm perfectly okay with that,

I'm sorry. I really apologize.

I'm sorry. No, you're okay, man.

I'm surprised you watch.

I'm swimmin' in simoleons

I'm talkin' about a post apocalyptic nightmare!

I'm telling you, take... can you take it down a little bit, man?

I'm the president of the Glee club. Why did I talk?

I'm thinking about you...

I've just been noticing that every time

If you are a guy, it's going to get you in trouble

If you think we interested in your deviant,

If you're a 12 year old and you're a fan of Key and Peele

In other news, cat litter can be used

In the future?

Interesting. I didn't know that.

Is the city on fire? What's with all the smoke?

Is the reason for this premature exodus?

Is there a stargate in your bedroom?

Is we find ourselves encountering

It has to reboot, and it just totally wipes out the history.

It is your fantasy.

It's like the conversation just doesn't end.

It's like, All right.

It's not...

It's okay if you look at porn

It's the beginning of the third season.

Jay Seeka.

Just as long as you aren't looking at women who...

Just give me one more good Aaaahh.

Just make sure you keep it going.

Just then, yes.

Just throw it.

Just to everybody named Aaron.

Just, what I'm trying to say is

Kind of the coolest thing that's ever happened to you

Laa laa laa!

Like if a lawyer had a hype man.

Like they gonna have a club

Like when a guy comes in the door

Listen. Listen... listen, man.

Look at it. Look at it. Oh, oh, yeah.

Look at that. Look at this. Look at this.

Look out on the lake.

Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome right about now.

Make sure you're staying responsible.

Man, for good measure, while you're looking at the lake,

Man, y'all some deluded, self important mother[bleep]

Maximus is in the movie.

Men? Chicks with dicks?

Mischievous and deceitful!

Mr. Garvey, we're... we're telling the truth.

Mr. Garvey?

No matter what happens, man, I start rappin'.

No, gentlemen, I would suggest you take a diamond ring...

No, you're all done, man. You got to go.

No, you're all done, man. You got to go.

No, you're gonna want to watch it

No.

None of that matters.

Not only is the prosecution being argumentative...

Not prevent you from watching videos

Not women?

Now, does anybody in here have a valid reason

Now, the first year of my second term

Now, these policies have already foiled

Now, these policies have already foiled

Now, y'all wanna leave my class early

Now! If we was drone strikin' perverts,

Now... come on, now. don't get my eyes wet.

Numerous terrorist plots.

Of ass destruction!

Of ass destruction!

Of the American people over what they perceive

Oh ho ho!

Oh, he objects!

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, now we're all ears.

Oh, yeah.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh... All right.

Ohh...

Okay, gentlemen, battle rap!

Okay, I see. so y'all wanna play.

Okay, I'm not gonna judge your journey.

Okay, okay.

Okay, thank you so much. Oh!

Okay, young buck, keep doing what you're doing.

Okay.

Okay. Luther, why are you trying

Older African American fans.

Other occupations that had hype men in them.

Our country would look like

Our top story: why are people always trying to steal my magic?

Over the year that we've been gone.

Porn watchin' asses!

Porn?

Rather, we're searching for key words

Relax, man. Hey, I need you to relax a little bit.

Ridiculous

Right now, before I bust a club

Right now... there's only one way to say it.

Right, baby?

Sexual innuendo?

Since the end of the Bush era.

So maybe that just kind of clears the history.

So now, everybody, it's time to...

So we recommend that you either leave the room,

So y'all can go meet up at the club.

Some of us need to leave a few minutes early today.

Somehow get your lady out of the room.

Span... the Sp... you about as Spanish

Students, please report to the gymnasium

Sucked.

Take it down a little bit.

Take your ass to Oh Shag Henessy's office

Thank you very much.

Thank you, and good night.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you for watching.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Wow.

Thanks for coming out.

That are happening out there

That might work with other substitute teachers,

That the country's gotten safer

That there have been numerous terrorist cells fingered...

That would indicate a threat.

That would really spice up

That's good

That's right, man. Yo, we got a champion still.

That's right, that's right, that's right

That's right, that's right. To my left, we got the champion.

That's when...

That's your boy.

That's your boy. He in there.

That's your man. That's your dawg.

The average American has nothing to fear

The browser history's been cleared.

The cache was cleared, and the cookies had been reset.

The film musical Les Mis, right?

The Glee club? Aah!

The Mosquito Bite club, maybe.

The older you are, the more you have to say to us.

The only thing that matters that when we're doing it,

The proceedings in the courtroom.

The usual suspects.

There he is.

These are not the kind of plots that y'all are used to,

These key words are being used,

These policies have allowed us to probe and penetrate...

This [bleep] is argumentative!

This is Principal O'Shaughnessy.

This is what usually happens:

This next sketch is definitely going to get...

This your boy, Rhino D, and I'm about to fronthand...

Those key words are not girl on girl,

To apologize,

To blind people when fighting.

To go to the damn club!

To meet up with our clubs.

To prevent terrorists

To undermine the president with your juvenile

Tonight, I'd like to address the concerns

Tread lightly

Tread lightly.

Turn off the TV...

Uh huh. Oh, yeah, there it is, there it is.

Uh, I'm sorry, sweetheart,

Um, part of the Spanish club.

Um, we have to leave 15 minutes early

Wait a minute. Get back.

We are not reading every individual email.

We got a champion still right here.

We had to respond to some of the things

We have clubs for special interests.

We just know that so many girlfriends

We, um... we wanted to take this opportunity

We... and we, you know... we visit race ourselves

We... we have clubs at the school.

We're very sorry.

Welcome to Battle Rap, where we're gonna battle rap

Welcome to Metta World News.

Well, I mean, kinky's okay.

Well, I think sometimes the computer runs

Well, that wraps up Metta World News

Wha... no. No, he ain't. He ain't in there.

What am I supposed to do with this miniature black Napoleon?

What club are you in?

What do they call that, a moustache?

What is it, A.A. Ron?

What the [bleep] is plopping,

What the hell club are you in, Jay Quellin?

What, Jay Quellin?

What's... oh, pornography?

Whenever it gets interrupted from the power source,

Where you and I could go and do our thing,

Where you can do your thing, man

Whoa!

Whoa!

Will do. all right, man.

With his penis in a pizza box,

With me, as always, is my anger translator, Luther.

With the computer, you know?

With your big ass Fraggle Rock hair!

Wow! Okay.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow. Um...

Y'all are some sick mother[bleep].

Y'all wanna play

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, except when you update the software,

Yeah, man! Here we go! Yeah, man, look at that chain

Yeah, okay, we gonna play little games.

Yeah, sure. What up?

Yeah, yeah, ooh! Ha ha!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah! That's what's up. That's your boy...

Yearbook photos

Yesterday, i went food shopping

Yo, Diller lost the toss, so you go first.

Yo, I'm your host, Big Peep Paroo!

Yo, introduce, son! Yeah, what's happenin'?

Yo, man. What's wrong with him, man?

Yo, what's up, dawg? You know, my [bleep] is rich.

Yo, yo, yo, what up, what up, what up?

Yo! Hey, man.

You ain't on thin ice, brother,

You ain't tryin' to trick me?

You are not in the Chest club.

You can't even win this 100 yard dash,

You could scream and shout and shove people

You dirty mother[bleep]?

You guys, uh, you guys know the film...

You just love it.

You know what'd be great, is if there were

You're shook, son. I'm gonna eat you for breakfast.

You're standing on the shoulders of a lot of people

You're still talking to me?

Your boy Wolverine. Ta ching. Ta ching.

100 USDA pure meat. no filler right here, dawg.

'cause I'm a cook, son. Ha ha!

♪ I have no idea ♪ ♪ one at a time ♪

♪ to survive ♪ ♪ Okay, now it's my turn ♪

♪ We will die ♪ ♪ I will love ♪

♪ Yours and mine ♪ ♪ One at a time ♪

A lot has happened... Yes.

A.A. Ron... Hey.

♪ Are you finished now? ♪ ♪ All I needed ♪

Aaaaaahh... Just...give me the hat!

Aaaaaahhh... Oh, man!

Aaaaahh! Why would you... listen.

Aaaah! But look out on the lake, man.

Aaaah! No. No, no, no. Come on.

Aaaah! That's the last one.

Aaaahh! Shh. Shh. Shh.

Aah! No, man, see...

Ah, that's hurtful. Truthful.

Ahh ahh! Why are you doing me?

Ahhhhhh... What the [bleep] you doin'?

All right. Lots of people.

All right. Okay.

All right. Whatever you do, man.

And you got fingers, you put... and that... Luther.

but never have to forfeit, yeah! Yahh.

Catwoman? That's for you.

Dee Nice. Here.

for your club photos. Fake announcement.

Go! Okay, I'm gonna go.

Good. How was work?

He ain't in there, though. Yes, he is.

He ain't in there. He is in there.

Hell no. Yes.

Hey, man... Give it up!

Hmm. Plopping?

Hoo! Hoo! Okay, okay.

I got you. All right

I gotta pick up my daughter. You're excused.

I know y'all been probin... until the de... No, Luther...

If you have one laying around. of a significant...

Introduce yourself, playa

It's not even... I want you to have

Jay Quellin. Here.

Keep your thang up. okay? You got it.

Mm mm. Hmm.

Mr. Garvey? Dumb son of a bitch!

No, come on, man. No, man.

No, that ain't Wolverine. No, that's your man.

No. Then sit the flip down!

of a significant carat. Oh, yes.

Oh, is that so? Mm hmm.

Or play it coo... play it cool.

People have seen that? It came out quite recently.

Plopping? Oh, yes, sir.

R r r roo! That's right, that's right,

Thank you very much. Good night.

Thank you, man. Don't let it stop now, man.

That ain't Wolverine, though. That's Wolverine, though.

That ain't Wolverine, though. Yes, it is.

That ain't Wolverine. That's Wolverine.

This gentleman... It's him right there.

Uh, here. Uh huh.

up in your butt! Okay

Waaaaaah! Yo, I'm sorry.

We're sorry. Uh, good night.

We're still talking? Stay responsible.

Well, let's go, then. Let's go.

Well, we're glad to be back. Yeah, glad to be back.

Who else in it? Gladiator.

Yeah, play it cool. Just play it cool.

Yeah, yeah. All right, thank you, sir.

Yeah. Like, you know what I mean?

Yes, he is. Wolverine ain't in no Les Mis.

Yes, it... mm hmm. in this country.

You are present? Balakay.

your creative freedom. Oh!

Your honor, I object. Oh, ho ho!

♪ A time ♪

♪ All the years I had to run ♪

♪ And when love and war and blood and glory's ♪

♪ Barracks have been climbed ♪

♪ Behind bars every day ♪

♪ But cannot lock my soul away ♪

♪ But was I ever to blame? ♪

♪ Can we have some give and take? ♪

♪ Death will be your only friend ♪

♪ Did you say my daughter? ♪

♪ Do I let this fight end now? ♪

♪ Do I tell him of his child? ♪

♪ Do I tell him that I love him? ♪

♪ Do not interrupt me ♪

♪ Don't have much to do with what this is about ♪

♪ Don't let me get in your way ♪

♪ Fine, I'll let you finish first ♪

♪ Here we go again, popping in and out ♪

♪ I chased you through the years ♪

♪ I only stole a loaf of bread ♪

♪ I put men like you ♪

♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪

♪ If I end up in your cell ♪

♪ In the shadows on my shame ♪

♪ It's hard enough to talk to him ♪

♪ Just to end this life of pain ♪

♪ Lady, seriously, please hang on ♪

♪ Legateaux, you may take my years ♪

♪ Let me finish what I need to say ♪

♪ Let me get a word, at least ♪

♪ Let the marching shake the ground ♪

♪ Now this is just a joke ♪

♪ Now your journey's at an end ♪

♪ Now, where did this bitch come from? ♪

♪ One ♪

♪ One at a time ♪

♪ One at a time ♪

♪ One at a time ♪

♪ One at a time ♪

♪ One at time ♪

♪ She knew before we parted ♪

♪ So long ago it all begun ♪

♪ Taking what we can from every pocket and purse ♪

♪ Taking what we can, 'cause things are getting worse ♪

♪ The men have come ♪

♪ The trumpets call out freedom ♪

♪ The years destroyed the man ♪

♪ This all has to happen on the same block? ♪

♪ We could solve all these issues if everyone just spoke ♪

♪ Why are we all facing the same way? ♪

♪ Why should I have stayed alive? ♪

♪ Will he ever know his daughter? ♪

♪ Will he recognize her eyes? ♪

♪ Will my journey be in vain? ♪

♪ Will the end be welcome now? ♪

♪ Years, they pass ♪

♪ You will pay for what you've done ♪

♪ Their blood will spill ♪