Key and Peele - Season 2 Edit

A glorious death on the battlefield,

A nice, little Civil War reenactment here.

A way of life so pure and beautiful

Actually, you know, they get requested a lot.

Against the Union army, we must remember

All I got left is Mary, a cripple, and two blind chicks,

All right, check this out. Check this out. Check this out.

All right, fellas, just just ignore 'em.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.

All right, look.

All right, stop it! Stop it! That's enough!

All right, the most important thing

All right, this this is

All right, well, Be careful with that.

All right!

All right?

All right? So just watch This is how you're gonna do it.

All right? You guys feeling good?

All right. Thank you, Joseph.

All the preteen children out there, listen to my voice!

And and and I know I know that there's

And anything that is an actual collector's item.

And Charlie, did you think that that game

And found that whereas I was not incorrect,

And have a friend drive you onto the freeway!

And he was more handsome than I thought he was gonna be.

And I just want to say...

And it was amazing,

And make a beeline for the next ramp to the freeway, y'all!

And my favorite thing about going down to the South

And my man said Like this...

And now this is how you repay me?

And that no one is actually immortal, nobody at all.

And then you can do anything! You can do anything!

And what's next for Charlie Sanders and the orange

And who is this?

And you want me to hit you on the other cheek?

And you're all going to Hell. Okay.

Any ole which way you want us to.

Apartheid is totally gnarly. It's a gnarly institution.

Are we so obsessed with the Revolutionary War

As Jefferson Da Okay, I know what you're doing. I get it.

As much as you desire

Because a hurdle's not a jump. Hurdle is not jumping.

Because he was cooler than I thought he was gonna be,

Boom, fireworks. Fourth of July. That's for you.

Born in a coffee can under a bridge.

But And that You know another thing I love?

But it was great, 'cause after the meeting,

But, Jesus, how can I be forgiven?

By renting my body out as a heroin suitcase.

Carpenter? (scoffs)

Charlie Sanders, how does it feel?

Check this out.

Check this out.

Come get your ticket to Vegas.

Come now, Mary Magdalene.

Crazy.

Dad, where the [bleep] were ya?

Do not play Scrabble with this guy.

Do we, Sam?

Do you know what he talkin' 'bout, Sam?

Doesn't mean we're pro slavery?

Don't ask me how that works.

Don't do it, Joseph.

Don't ever sleep on Barry O.

Don't just stand there like a bunch of lazy [bleep].

Don't let me do anything too crazy."

Don't sleep on Barry O.

Everybody focus up. Look.

Except for the ****, who are already going to Hell.

Fantastic. Charlie Sanders, Fresh off of his, uh, victory.

Fine. You're part of it.

First and foremost, I just want to say

For the way that the world should work.

Gentlemen, give us your cash

Get a friend on your back,

Get in the caravan and make me some money.

Get outta here!

Go Go fetch us some munitions and everything else that

Guys, you you know,

Has he started yet?

He did that, yes. Very funny guy.

He goes to one of his aides, he goes,

He just gave us like He's on his way out,

He says that to the secret security.

He was taller than I thought he was gonna be,

He's keeping the secret service...

He's speaking figuratively, folks.

Hell, no, brotha, she's mine.

Hell, yeah, it's all about money, brotha.

Hey, boys and girls, ages 8 through 12!

Hey, kids!

Hey, yo, I wanna say somethin' to everybody watchin'.

Hi, Joseph.

His anger translator. (cheers and applause)

Hold it.

How many times do I have to tell people,

I [bleep] your daughter. I [bleep] your daughter, so...

I ain't got no formal trainin' or nothin' like that.

I already lost three bitches to leprosy, all right?

I am Keegan Michael Key.

I been lookin' all over for you!

I can fly! Anybody can fly!

I cleaned you up and got you out to work,

I don't know what you talkin' 'bout.

I don't see any British teeth in this situation.

I don't think you understand.

I got hearing damage in this ear.

I guess he saw the Luther sketch.

I had sex with your black daughter. It's okay.

I have a saying. It goes like this.

I have subsequently looked up

I I I don't care where they come from.

I just feel like he's ready to touch the Moon.

I just want to talk about the fact

I know, I have that wig at home. I have it at home.

I know, I know.

I like to, uh, dabble in the athleticals.

I live on the streets.

I love I love no athlete ever thanks his dad.

I mean, that's a lo Hundreds.

I might run for office someday.

I rescued you from that fishing village,

I think I'm pretty sure this is it.

I think it's my pimp. I think he found me.

I'm a prostitute.

I'm getting goosies over here. I'm getting goosies. I I am.

I'm gonna stay here with Jesus.

I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding."

I'm not a pimp. I'm a carpenter.

I'm not going with you, Galileroy.

I'm really [bleep] frosty right now, by the way.

I'm smoking crack too. It's good. We're good.

I'm smoking crack.

I'm so [bleep] high.

I'm staying here with Jesus, and I'm warning you,

I'm totally stoked to the max about it.

I'm way ahead of you, bro. I'm already done.

I've been busy with non carpentry work.

If I had found my real father.

If I win this competition, I could put a roof over my house.

If you believe in yourself

In literally the last second.

In that sketch.

Intercepted.

Intercepted.

Is that Are you out She's right in front of us.

Is that coming to me?

Is that we don't get too far apart.

Is that white people will come up to you, and just,

It was like, I I wouldn't have been happier

It's it's definitely a no for me.

It's 12 men.

It's a no. I'm sorry.

It's a no. I'm sorry.

It's eas You know, why don't you pass your own

It's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle

It's exaggerated walking. It's not jumping.

It's exaggerated walking. It's not jumping.

It's gonna start canoeing and everything.

It's happening right here! But I mean...

It's just a piece of paper.

It's not not really relevant.

It's real hard.

Jesus has, like, 12 followers.

Jesus says we don't need things.

Joseph, it doesn't matter.

Joseph, please, we we do have other dancers here today,

Joseph, thank you very much, but

Joseph!

Joseph...

Just beaming.

Just because we're dressed like Confederate soldiers

Just one little thing, though.

Kids, you can actually fly!

Let me just grab that.

Look, fellas, we're trying to have

Look, I've I've stolen your purse.

Looked like Katt Williams had a finger roll moustache.

Looking down their no We won that war!

Man, [bleep] you, man. Come on!

Man, took me forever to find yo ass!

Mary Magdalene! Where you at, bitch?

Me and you, we we gotta be close.

Men, as we launch the counterattack

Mom, I love you, man!

Mom, I love you! I love you, ma!

Mother[bleep], I slap you,

My [bleep]. That was my [bleep].

My man goes like this. He goes, "All right, thank you.

My sister shot my brother while my cousin beat my uncle.

My statements were irresponsible.

No No, not oh, not literally, of course.

No, child.

No, I'm not going with you, Galileroy.

No, Joseph, let her come onstage.

No, my friend. You're confused.

No!

No! And I don't have any stuff to pack.

No.

Now get your ass in that caravan!

Now, trust me, I think that this party can be

Now, we're here to preserve our way of life.

Oh, [bleep]. What was I saying?

Oh, Dennis, what, are you shooting video?

Oh, lordy, lordy, lordy! We sorry, boss!

Oh, my God, I'm so [bleep] blazed.

Oh, we so sorry!

Oh, who is this right here?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, no Well, that's just a metaphor, kids.

Okay, nobody's gonna whip anybody, just stop it.

Okay, right on. That's right. Here we go.

Okay, thank you. Thank you.

Okay, that's it. Bitch, pack your [bleep].

Okay, we we gotta have a system in place to get everybody weed.

Okay, well, obviously, we understand that Charlie...

Okay, well, we we we we just want to remind the kids

Okay. (laughter)

Okay. Don't have all day, man.

Once you get there, ain't nothing figurative about this!

One, two, three, and jump. One, two, three, lead leg.

Otherwise, you're gonna get air bubbles in there.

Our own so

Pass your ass through the need

Please don't give us the whip.

Pssh. Okay, all right, so this Mother[bleep] a serious pimp.

Pussy department.

Put it in your mouth. And get off my stage.

Put myself through school

Ra rated six.

See, and I didn't even think It was gonna rub I'm I'm fine.

She blind. Come on.

She is my inspiration.

She ma You ma There he is, he's right there!

She's not going with you.

She's right

Shore didn't mean to sneak up on ya, sir.

So [bleep] you. So [bleep] you.

So are we, sir.

So don't stop your speechin' on our account.

So first thing's first. We We met the President.

So I raised them both by myself without nobody else's help.

So let's laugh at some rednecks.

So you know that there are no hard feelings,

So, uh

Some righteous bud we got going on there.

Stand and be forgiven for your sins.

Start the music.

Than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.

Thank you for coming.

Thank you so much for coming out.

Thank you so much for coming.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. (cheers and applause)

That ain't gangsta.

That even though we may die

That is some major doobage.

That life is behind you now.

That no man nor government can take this away from us.

That of course, you cannot actually fly, kids.

That reality shows they always have to have a British judge.

That right there, that right there, that's her daughter.

That was awesome.

That was the first thing out of his mouth. It's true.

That was very apparent, as it turns out, Joseph.

That we have a diversity in the, uh...

That we need a fobbish Brit judging us every fu

That's That's awful, but it's not going to

That's that's the magic of America is love.

That's a very nice piece.

That's going to make us change our minds today.

That's my experience in the South.

That's some righteous bud.

That's terrible, Joseph.

The athleticals. I also hurdle, or hurdled.

The bridge had had trucks go over it.

The first thing he said to us was he said he said,

The girl stays.

The most important thing it's imperative

The most inspirational party this campus has ever seen.

The Obama, Luther sketches that we did.

The pure and beautiful slice of southern history.

The right to preserve.

The right...

The South has a way of life

The southern part of the United States of America.

The southern way of life.

The terms "literally" and "metaphorically,"

The Union Yankee bastards cannot stop us

The way I believe in myself tonight,

The world is yours!

Then why does your house look like [bleep]?

There we Come here. Get this, get this.

There you are!

There's gotta be at least one woman in this room

There's nothing you can do or say

These are heavy.

They did not mean what I thought they meant.

They just They look great. (audience "ohs")

They look great. They look great!

This [bleep] is crazy.

This is my 12 year old daughter, who I raised all by myself

This is us. This is the American people.

This is your Constitution, all right?

This party tonight could be a model

This right here...

To

To all the families who lost children, I'm sorry.

To say the le

To tell us what's right and wrong?

Trouble only comes to those who gone done lookin' for it.

Uh, what what, you a gay pimp?

Um, so we, uh...

Unbelievable, Truly spectacular.

Very funny guy. (cheers and applause)

Wait, friend.

Wallets, wallets, wallets, wallets.

Was gonna end that way tonight?

We we we trying to have a real nice reenactment.

We a Oh, [bleep].

We certainly don't wanna cause any trouble either.

We do so to preserve a way of life.

We don't want any trouble.

We don't want that, All right? You get that?

We gotta keep its integrity,

We met B Boy Joseph in Atlanta, G.A.

We need some bodacious jock babes coming in.

We need some hot ass punk rock babes.

We want like a ton of these.

We're just gonna get it out of the way and just say it.

We're just here to preserve

We're special. We're magic. Whoa, yay, we all live in here.

We're talking about the 18th century.

Well, hello there, Massa. Sorry we late.

Well, I can't afford to lose her.

Well, I got a saying too.

Well, I just want to talk about, real quick

What a mind blowing finish to an incredible game tonight,

What did he say to us?

What the [bleep] is that about?

What the [bleep] is that?

What the flip is this?

What we doin', sir?

What y'all havin'?

Where are you, dad? (laughter, applause)

Where is the Dennis, Den

White people go, "Hi, see this? See what I'm doing?"

Who

Who are waiting their turn very politely.

Who had sex with a British guy because of the way he talks.

Whoo hoo hoo hoo!

Whoo!

Why do they own all of our television shows?

Why, we just here to slave on about,

Why? Why

With Charlie Sanders winning the game

Without the help of anybody else in the entire world.

Would you care to join us for dinner?

Y You know that my mama's on drugs, and my daddy in jail.

Yeah, just stop it.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, pure and beautiful... slice.

Yeah!

Yes! Literally! Kids!

Yes. Yes!

Yo, don't let nobody ever tell you what you can and cannot do!

Yo, screw that negativity, man!

Yo, there are no limits, all right?

Yo, you can do anything! Anything's possible!

You always taught us

You are immortal!

You can have him. I'm done.

You can jump real high and touch the Moon!

You can swim across the Atlantic.

You can turn yourself into a car

You get the lead leg going, and then (grunts) trail leg.

You get the lead leg going, and then (grunts) trail leg.

You go out and get yourself another pimp?

You gotta pull it over. (cheers and applause)

You know how many bitches named Mary there are up in here?

You know the hurdle le I was teaching the hurdle.

You know, I don't know if you guys remember...

You know, I don't know if you guys remember...

You looked like the Jack of Hearts...

You racist mother[bleep].

You really only wanna take three steps.

You still have the power of childish innocence!

You wanna be part of this reenactment?

You washing this [bleep] feet?

You were I mean... (laughter)

You were a prostitute.

You were a prostitute.

You will fly!

You will turn into a robot!

Young kids, I want you to go up on your roofs right now!

(both) ♪ Oh, my Lord The Union cannot stop us fr

(groaning, shouting) is super excited right now,

(laughs) No.

(laughter) He was unbelievable.

All right, I see what's going on. Wow.

All right. Lead leg.

All right. Lead leg.

He was everything to me. He was everything

He will just make [bleep] up. Yeah.

I am Jordan Peele. And we are Key and Peele.

I desire her... All right.

I'm sm I'm I'm fine.

It was a loud bridge. Don't finish that sen

It's not! Just a metaphor

It's okay. It's all right.

Joe... That's a big truck.

Joseph! And also in this ear.

Joseph. 'cause the bridge

Keep it. 15 ton

Lead leg. Okay, now, now, now...

Maybe. Well, I taught you that!

No more. Hurdling is

No, too much energy. And then you got you got...

Now it's a lie. It's a little bit much.

Oh, my God. She gives him her water.

Oh, you got the hurdle on? Yup, yup.

Oh, you're gonna love this. Shut up.

Oh! Oh! Let her come No, Joseph.

Okay, don't do any To the freeway!

Okay. People will see you flying!

on their toes. on their toes.

Real And the first thing

Tell him. Oh, 12?

Thank you, Joseph.

That good enough for you? That is all I needed to hear.

The South has a right to own (both) ♪ Oh, my Lord, Lord

Too much energ Lead leg, lead leg.

Trail leg, trail leg. Oh, boy.

Vegas! Can you believe it?

Wait, what? Fly into the night sky!

We did. We met him! We met the President.

we find the South fascinating. The South.

What is What is that? It's fine. It didn't

What the Is this all about money?

What? (grunts) Oh!

Whew. Oh, yeah?

Why are they Why are they here? (laughs)

Yeah, thank you. I ain't done yet, though.

Yeah, thank you. I ain't done yet, though.

Yeah, yeah. It's all about the lead leg.

Yes. He was It was everything, you know?

Yes. Yeah. "We don't hate you."

You're an athletic guy. I do like to

...seph. Okay, Joseph, please.

'cause I got a house ain't got no roof. For real, though.

'cause it's gonna hold everything together.

"athleticals." What the [bleep] is

"By the way,

"Can I get some water?" and goes, "Do we trust her?

"Do we trust..." (laughter)

"I just want to talk to you. It's okay. We don't hate you."

"I know it's real hard for a brother on TV."

(applause)

(as Obama) All right.

(both) ♪ Oh, my Lord, Lord

(British accent) All right. Yeah.

(cheers and applause)

(cheers and applause)

(electronic music)

(English accent) played a little football in my day.

(exciting music)

(gasps)

(giggles)

(heavenly music plays)

(hip hop music)

(laughter, applause)

(laughter)

(laughter)

(laughter)

(laughter)

(laughter)

(laughter)

(opera music plays)

(opera music)

(opera music)

(operatic singing) ♪

(party noise, chatter)

(soul music)

(soul music)

(soul music)

(soul music)

(soul music)

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪ I'm gonna do my one line here

♪ Oh, Lord!

♪ Oh, my Lord...