Perfect Strangers - Season 1 Edit

A baby being rescued from the burning building.

A day or two worth of thank yous is plenty.

A hundred and twenty eight dollars?

A little better.

A party? Are you nuts?

A photojournalist must maintain a modicum of dignity.

A salami sandwich, french fries and two chili dogs.

A shopping cart? A hurtling shopping cart.

A thousand dollar minimum balance.

According to Mypos custom, I have to go far away...

Actually, you know, if you fixed up some of the used things you take in...

After you've made eye contact...

Ah, fantastic. Yes, and speaking of fantastic...

Ah!

All because of this person, who I am not talking to.

All I know is last night, he taught me how to say no...

All right, all right, I'll give him, like, a little test.

All right, come on.

All right, go ahead. Just don't tell her you know me.

All right, good.

All right, here we go.

All right, I'll go. There. I hope you're happy.

All right, I'm gone. I'm out of here. No, no, cousin, cousin.

All right, let's get this over with so I can go home.

All right, look, I'll build you a little driving simulator.

All right, now take your time. Some of these questions can be tricky.

All right, the money. Okay.

All right, up. Bath time is over.

All right, you got a bet. And I'll teach him in my car.

All right.

All right. But this is a little faster than I usually like to operate.

All right. Make yourselves ready.

All you need is someone to teach you how to drive.

Almost neurotic about it.

Am I in debt? Yep.

Am I looking up "Larry Appleton"?

America.

An apple for Larry Appleton.

And all he had to do was take Gorbachev for a walk.

And all of this mess.

And as you lift, you push in. Yes, I know, cousin.

And besides, I'm more of a kind of a talking expert than a, uh... Uh...

And do you know why?

And don't worry about me.

And don't worry, I'll be careful. Okay.

And for you, Susan, your favorite sugarless gum.

And he said, "Right." So...

And here I am.

And here's the money.

And I cannot remember is it brake or gas, the g****fruit.

And I certainly didn't get up on the wrong side of the flock

And I don't know why they call it rush hour because nothing moves.

And I found your father to move in.

And I got up on the roof, and it was covered with pigeons.

And I just want you to know that it's...

And I mean maybe.

And I said, "Of course," because it's only 93 blocks.

And I said, "You give me that." This what we do.

And I want to thank you both for letting me hang out with you anyway.

And I'll go get my truck. Yeah.

And I'm safe, I'm safe, I'm safe. Yes, yes. Now you're safe.

And if he goes, I go.

And if I came up and did that, it would flip around like the tassels on a belly dancer.

And if I'm gonna make it as a photojournalist...

And if she looks back, you know, you kind of hold the look.

And if you don't hit anything, we'II, uh...

And if you ever violate that trust...

And if you let this good person walk out that door...

And if you're not working, I can't take $ 10 a week out of your salary...

And in case you're wondering, they don't do that.

And it's time...

And just pull out into traffic.

And lift.

And now no one will ever know that they came here together.

And push.

And she said to me, "Would you take this to my house?"

And she would say to me, "Balki, don't do that."

And six months later, I took off the cast, and what do you think?

And so then the first one presents his sheep.

And so, when we got there, I had to hook up the antenna..

And that's why this is gonna be so much fun.

And the others say, "This is a very beautiful animal."

And the proof is that nobody even bothered to acknowledge my birthday.

And the year after that?

And then I dip a toe in and call it a day.

And then I got on the bus.

And then I said "no," and he got mad.

And then the next one presents his sheep. But it's just a horrible Iooking animal.

And then the old lady had to come up and drag me off the roof like Tippi Hedren.

And then they come and sit on my neck, and I don't like that.

And then tonight...

And then, the sheep looks up, right into their faces...

And then, when you move these two big speakers...

And they say, "This has got to be the most ugly animal in the worid."

And they were coming toward me because they want to peck me.

And this furniture is not.

And this is Sandra from the doughnut shop. Oh, hi. Hi.

And this junk will be gone before lunch

And this may surprise you, but I need you too.

And this must be Balki

And to prove it, I want you to go out there this afternoon...

And today, I get to laugh in a man's face.

And tonight, I'll teach you how to balance your checkbook.

And what does he have?

And why not? Last night all my horse accounts paid off.

And you are telling me that he's not going to embarrass me?

And you didn't even worry about your car.

And you didn't think I'd catch on? Turn it on.

And you don't have to tell me how terrible I'm going to feel...

And you learned something. Actually, you learned the same thing.

And you'll never do this again. Never again.

And you're not a quitter. You know why?

And you're welcome.

And? That's the punch line.

And...

And... What this?

And... What this?

Another letter from Ed McMahon.

Anxious. Upset. Irritable.

Anybody for the salad bar? There is no salad bar.

Appleton, front and center. I'm planning a real big poker game tonight.

Are you crazy?

Are you done?

Are you kidding? You're a lieutenant.

Aren't we all? What? No, no.

Aren't you happy for me? Yeah, why not?

As soon as I pay back Twinkletoes and put my whole family through college...

Ask me how I paid for these things.

At 24, I was supposed to win a Pulitzer Prize.

At 3 a. M? That's what they said.

At least until my car depreciates another year.

Aw. Now you see you're not a failure, because you have friends.

Backwards? It's a figure of speech.

Balki Bartokomous.

Balki Claus is coming to town.

Balki would like to open a checking account.

Balki, Balki, Balki

Balki, Balki, no, no, no.

Balki, Balki, please.

Balki, Balki.

Balki, Balki.

Balki, do you have any idea how much minimum wage is?

Balki, do you...? Do you think that l...?

Balki, Dolly Parton just went for a walk with the guy she's with.

Balki, don't do that.

Balki, don't you see what happened?

Balki, get out of my way. No.

Balki, give him your money.

Balki, give him your money.

Balki, give me my camera. No.

Balki, how can you sleep at a time like this?

Balki, how did you pay for these things?

Balki, I apologized.

Balki, I can't move my arms.

Balki, I don't know these people.

Balki, I want you to do me a big favor. You want me to watch the store?

Balki, I want you to do me a big favor. You want me to watch the store?

Balki, I'd like to apologize.

Balki, I'm sorry.

Balki, is that you?

Balki, it's only a driver's license.

Balki, let me make something absolutely clear.

Balki, meet Susan. She's our neighbor. Hi. Nice to meet you.

Balki, no, no. Thank you.

Balki, save something for your honeymoon.

Balki, she's having an affair.

Balki, sit this one out.

Balki, that little old lady took advantage of you.

Balki, that was the photo editor from the Chicago Weekly Gazette.

Balki, that's not how you meet women. That's how muggers meet women.

Balki, this is my first sale. Oh, cousin.

Balki, this is not a test. I repeat, this is not a test.

Balki, watch and learn.

Balki, what happened?

Balki, would you please shine my shoes?

Balki, would you shine my shoes?

Balki, you did it. I'm proud of you. Thank you, Cousin Larry.

Balki, you gotta go to a place where single women hang out.

Balki, you have to stop doing that to Susan.

Balki, you're alive.

Balki, you've gotta be nice to these people.

Balki?

Balki?

Balki.

Balki.

Balki. Balki, you got rid of my things, my things, my things!

Balki. Balki.

Balki. Balki.

Balki. Balki. Balki.

Balki. My back. It doesn't hurt.

Balki...

Basketball? Loved it. Loved it.

Beautifully put. But you're the one who passed the test.

Because everybody has somebody on his right.

Because I have a squirrel in this one.

Because that is what responsible people do.

Because you were born with the desire to make yourself better.

Because you're cracked

Before you know it, I'm an 80 year old aspiring photojournalist.

Big news. I'm going on my first American date tomorrow night

Blue.

Bo, bo, bo, bo.

Boy, Chicago is a big place.

Boy, somebody got up on the wrong side of the flock.

Boy, you are grumpy in the morning.

Boy, you're taking this hard.

Boys, my beloved wife.

Boys, put this little goldmine out for our customer to pick up.

Buckle up. Start the car.

Bus, bus, bus.

Bus, bus, bus.

But anybody can do it. I mean, you see a woman, you smile.

But he said, "No, you have to go to the big city of Chicago...

But how do I get my money when I want to use it?

But I could pay you back if you give me a job.

But I don't know about banks.

But I know that couldn't be true...

But I'm a better person for it.

But if everyone is singing and dancing, they don't point to one man and say:

But if I do that for you...

But it better be convincing.

But it'll work. Balki fixed it.

But it's 3 in the morning. I don't believe it..

But no.

But now I find you.

But the customer likes him, and that's why they come back.

But the man at the bank said...

But the TV works like a charm.

But then, as I recall, this male member is a code violator...

But then, I've taken this job to pay the bills.

But things are looking up. "Photo by Larry Appleton."

But this is America. Open all night.

But this is my mad money.

But to make it up, I won't charge you for the hour I worked.

But who was it that said:

But you can build on that.

But you don't

But you made me stick with it when I was ready to throw up the towel.

But you promised to teach me.

But you said you don't want anyone to even say "birthday."

But you shouldn't do it because you feel you have to.

But you sold his hat rack.

But you wouldn't let me.

But, you know...

Buttock pinches.

Buy something or get out.

By somebody named "Pat Pending."

Bye bye, now.

Bye bye. Happy birthday. Bye.

Bye. Bye bye.

Can I be candid?

Can I come with you? Okay, okay.

Can I help you? Yeah.

Can I say, "Watch the birdie"? No.

Can I take her with me? No.

Can I try it? Oh, oh...

Can somebody help me, please?

Can we get on with this? We're on our lunch break.

Can you do Lacey?

Can you fix any radio?

Can't stay long, pal.

Color TV.

Come here, Susan.

Come on, Appleton.

Come on, everybody, feel the beat. Put on your boogie sandals.

Come on, Gorbachev. If you're good, we'll feed you a mailman

Come on, put them up.

Come on. Open it up.

Come on. Go. Nice to meet you too.

Come over here to me.

Congratulations.

Could you folks excuse us for just a minute?

Couldn't remember? It's the brake. It's the brake.

Cousin Larry has a bad back.

Cousin Larry, come over here.

Cousin Larry, did you get the picture?

Cousin Larry, Dimitri...

Cousin Larry, don't you notice anything different?

Cousin Larry, I don't know what you want.

Cousin Larry, I have been looking at the manual.

Cousin Larry, I'm so happy.

Cousin Larry, what this?

Cousin Larry, when a person learns something about himself...

Cousin Larry, you know, someday, I'm going to look at you and say:

Cousin Larry, you were nice to that person on the phone.

Cousin Larry, you'll let me use your car again?

Cousin Larry?

Cousin Larry? What?

Cousin Larry? What?

Cousin Larry? Cousin Larry?

Cousin, cousin, relax. I may be nervous, but I know my g's and u's.

Cousin, how did it go at the newspaper?

Cousin, I need to take a break.

Cousin, I throw it together at the last minute...

Cousin, I'll do this for you.

Cousin, there's nothing here.

Cousin, would you please let me fix this?

Cousin, you just didn't sell one picture. No, it's not just the one picture.

Cousin, you look miserable. Why don't you go lie down?

Cousin, your back is still hurting.

Cousin? Cousin, cousin, don't do that. I'm just gonna hang up my coat.

Cousins should joke more. Yes, yes, they should.

Cover the left eye, please.

Cover the other eye.

Crullers. How did you know? I didn't.

Current address, 6... 627 Lincoln Boulevard.

Damn. It occurred to you too.

Dance. Five, six, seven, eight.

Darn. One more and we would've had a perfect pyramid.

Did anybody notice? No.

Did he say something about Dolly Parton? Did he say she was going out?

Did I forget to mention that the jerks didn't want to buy my photograph?

Did I tell you my joke about the three sheepherders?

Did not. You did too.

Did you enjoy going to the basketball game with my husband?

Did you get lucky?

Did you give me the key?

Did you like Mypos food?

Didn't you have a driver's license back in Mypos?

Didn't.

Do Cagney for me again. Oh, no.

Do I stand behind my products?

Do me a favor. Lock up before you go to bed, okay?

Do what?

Do you come here often? No.

Do you have any sweatshirts? Right over there.

Do you mean my savings too? Yes, yes, your savings too.

Do you mind if I call you turnip?

Does Telly Savalas love you, baby?

Does that mean I don't get to play St. Francis in the school play?

Doesn't matter now. My birthday's over.

Dolly Parton is staying in town secretly.

Dolly Parton wouldn't do that.

Dolly Parton. Bye.

Dolly Parton. I love her.

Don't be ridiculous.

Don't be ridiculous. I am not born in the U.S.A.

Don't be ridiculous. It's because he sees we're both good persons.

Don't be shy. Come, come.

Don't do that.

Don't forget to fold up the couch. You left it open yesterday.

Don't move. Just stand there. Can you do that?

Don't point.

Don't talk like that.

Don't tell me.

Don't they have anything on Mypos besides sheep?

Don't they?

Don't worry about me. I know where I'm going.

Don't worry. I know the correct way to lift without putting stress on my back.

Don't worry. No turnips allowed.

Don't you ever, ever do that again.

Don't you ever, ever do that again.

Don't you ever, ever do that again.

Don't you ever, ever do that again.

Don't you give me that face.

Don't you realize what you've done to me?

Don't you see the significance of this?

Don't you see what's happened?

Don't you think it would be easier in your car?

Don't you understand anything about banking?

Donald, the strangest thing.

Donald? Sold.

Donnie, I want you to watch me spend your money.

Door three. Door number two.

Easier for you, not for me.

Easy for you, you're a happening guy.

Easy, I'm not a nice person. Now pay me.

Edwina, my pet.

Eh.

Erotic? Don't be ridiculous.

Even better.

Even you, my best friend...

Every day, the first thing he does when he comes in...

Every panhandler on the block knows you by your first name: Sucker.

Everyone is looking at us. I don't like that.

Everything. Now, get it.

Everything's fine. Just a little tense.

Excuse me a moment.

Excuse me, he means no harm.

Excuse me, I think my friend here may have made a hasty act here.

Excuse me, sir. Me and Lou, we gotta run.

Excuse me. I'm interested in this chair.

Excuse us.

Eye contact. Like the Three Stooges?

Face it, we both know the yo yo can't get a license.

Feeble. Boy, that was feeble.

Fine. You didn't lock me in. There was no one at the door.

Finished? How could you be? I knew all the answers.

Fired? He just gave you official papers to take a nice walk.

Five hundred bucks. You got it. Here's a $50 deposit.

Fix this old radio, and he's got a job.

Flowers.

For example, I wanna be a photojournalist.

For instance, you could come here and borrow money yourself.

For the party and for helping to keep my dream alive.

Forty five dollars. That was a couple hundred dollars' worth of stuff.

Forty five. Forty five bucks? That hat rack was solid brass.

Frank had a heart attack?

Frank was so happy he wasn't dead that he gave me my driver's license.

Friend, member of the male brotherhood.

Gentlemen and turnip...

Gentlemen, front and center. I'm going to the track.

Give somebody a white cane, they think they own the sidewalk.

Go ahead, say something.

Go away.

Go slow. Take it easy. Be cool.

Go work on the radio.

Good deal, huh?

Good morning, America.

Good morning, cheers, and top of the day.

Good morning, Mr. Twinkacetti.

Good morning, turnips. Boy, am I a lucky guy.

Good night, Balki.

Good night.

Good night. Good night.

Good opening line, Cousin Larry, but she is my date.

Good, huh?

Good, huh? Very good, I'm very proud of you.

Good.

Goodbye, American cousin. Nice to meet you.

Goodbye, love goddess.

Goodbye.

Goodnight, Susan. Goodnight. I had a great time.

Gorbachev took off after her, dragging me behind like a rag doll.

Gorbachev? A dog the size of a Buick.

G****fruit is the brake. Who doesn't know that?

Great, just what I need. I'm babysitting for the Hound of the Baskervilles.

Great.

Green and red are gonna be on later. You might wanna stay up and watch.

Grim, isn't it?

Gus went on his break.

Gus, this means a lot to me. Thanks.

Ha, ha! Fine. Oh!

Ha!

Hanging in there is part of what the American spirit is all about. Yes.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear...

Happy birthday, guy

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday. Thank you.

Happy? Getting fired does not make me happy.

Have you noticed the time? Yes, I've noticed the time.

He can do anything he puts his mind to.

He can not do to you what is my fault.

He could be lying out there injured. How can you think of money?

He grovels great.

He is doomed.

He is so cute.

He looks up to me. How can I cast him aside?"

He make everything perfect for you, and you won't find anyone to do better.

He was always loyal to you.

He went for his driver's test two hours ago and never came back.

He'll take that one.

He's excited. He should be.

He's from another country. And he has a head injury.

Hear, hear.

Hello, Gus.

Hello, Levi. My name is Balki.

Hello, Mrs. Twinkacetti.

Hello, Ritz... Hello, hello, Ritz Discount.

Hello, Susan. Hi.

Hello?

Hello? Oh, hello, Larry's mommy. How are you?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello. The Ritz.

Help me get this furniture upstairs.

Here he is. Go ahead.

Here you go. Open it up. You gonna open it?

Here's your written test. Over there.

Hey, but we had fun, didn't we?

Hey, g**** leaf, turn on the radio.

Hey, mama. You be getting down with your bad self.

Hey, we're having a good time.

Hey, where do you get off anyway?

Hey, you are one lucky dude to have him as your friend.

Hey, you disappeared pretty fast.

Hey, you know, this sounds like a song from my country.

Hey, you lucked out. You got a good one.

Hey! Hey.

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey.

Hey. I'm asking for a favor.

Hi, guys. Oh, hi, Susan.

Hi, Larry. Oh, hi, Susan.

Hi, Larry. Sorry, no time. Gotta run.

Hi, Mr. Twinkacetti. Rotten day, isn't it?

Hi, Mr. Twinkacetti. The handicapped harassing you again?

Hi, Susan, Tina. Hi.

Hi.

Higher, higher, higher.

His only mistake was to be good friend to me.

Ho, ho, ho!

Home of the Whopper.

How can I say this?

How can you miss a big, yellow bus with large flashing lights?

How much do you like me?

How you did that?

I actually have my own bachelor pad. You want a beer?

I also bought you this nice bug light.

I am a car butcher.

I am a lowly immigrant who dared to dream.

I am a sheepherder.

I am begging you.

I am dirt.

I am dirt.

I am dirt.

I am dirt.

I am not one of them. I don't like to sing. I don't like to dance.

I am sorry forever.

I am sorry forever.

I am sorry forever."

I am suffering a personal crisis of major proportion...

I am the sweat of a pig.

I am the sweat of a pig.

I am...

I am...

I am...

I bartered, like we do at the marketplace on Mypos.

I believe in you.

I bought you new furniture.

I can die happy now. Right.

I can fix anything.

I can fix things.

I can grovel.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe you did this.

I can't give up my dream of becoming a photojournalist.

I can't let you invade her privacy.

I can't sleep.

I can't wait to hit the highway.

I can't.

I come from Wisconsin.

I cook all day for you and still you're not talking to me.

I could come to this bank and borrow my own money and then pay them interest?

I could? Sure.

I could've bought a new couch, but no, I had to buy a used one.

I demand a recount.

I did it

I did just what you told me. It didn't work.

I didn't even know you were coming.

I didn't see a school bus.

I didn't want to get on the expressway, but I got confused.

I don't believe it. That radio never sounded that good brand new.

I don't deserve a driver's license. I don't even deserve a library card.

I don't even want to hear the word, "birthday."

I don't have a driver's license.

I don't have a sack.

I don't know what you're talking about

I don't know. I guess I just wasn't in the mood to celebrate this year.

I don't like to be embarrassed.

I don't need any pagan cures.

I don't think it's right just because she has a public figure.

I don't think so.

I don't think that's the kind of date he's talking about.

I don't wanna talk about it.

I feel bad about not getting back to him.

I feel like a fool to come here and bother you.

I feel terrible. I was thinking...

I fell asleep before I got to test it.

I finally got a break.

I found $600 in your office...

I found out why she's staying under an assumed name.

I give up. Why?

I got a tip from a friend who works at the Wycliffe Hotel.

I got it.

I got one wrong? It's okay. You passed.

I got one wrong? Only one. That's fantastic.

I got that furniture you ordered. Oh, wonderful.

I got to the hotel just as her cab was pulling away.

I gotta get downstairs for the night owl edition.

I gotta get this picture.

I gotta hurry if I wanna catch them. Do me a favor.

I guess so.

I had an accident in Cousin Larry's car.

I had the chance to get an exclusive photograph of a famous person.

I hate these old customs.

I have a job now that pays minimum wage. Shh!

I have a little corner of it growing on my dining room table.

I have heard so much about you.

I have made eye contact.

I have no integrity. Of course you do.

I have so much to learn.

I have spent my whole life avoiding embarrassing situations.

I have to run upstairs and protect Susan's legs from rodents.

I haven't done that in a while either.

I help you anyway. Thank you.

I hope he didn't take advantage of you

I hope whoever it is brought a chain saw.

I jumped into another cab and said, "Follow that car."

I just hide it better the rest of the day.

I just moved 12 tons of bodybuilding equipment...

I just remembered. I got a truckload of bodybuilding equipment downtown.

I just sold a thousand bucks' worth of equipment for 500?

I just wanted to get a picture of a famous person committing adultery.

I just was hoping we could wait a little longer.

I knew I was right.

I knew it was somebody important.

I know how to be cool.

I know, but I said to him, "You want to take a left?"

I know, I know.

I know. I can hardly believe it myself.

I know. Sit, sit.

I learned I was a sleaze.

I like that shirt.

I like that story.

I look everywhere for you.

I made a fool out of myself. I am so embarrassed.

I made a public spectacle out of myself.

I made you get that bank account and I didn't take the time to explain the basics.

I may as well throw my master plan right out the window.

I mean, it's not that I don't trust you.

I mean, my car is very special to me.

I met one fox like American woman.

I might be able to borrow your...?

I never gave it a thought. Did you put on the parking brake?

I never knew fixing a radio could be so quiet.

I now put on you the Mypos Kiss of Silence.

I only talk to my friends.

I open the door for her, I pull out the chair, I don't speak with my mouth full...

I overreacted. I owe you an apology. I'm sorry.

I prefer more formal situations, you know, uh...

I really don't wanna meet anyone.

I said that.

I say to everyone, "Have you seen Larry?"

I see.

I see. So we're sort of related by rumor.

I sense you have left out some small but important detail.

I should've gone into motel management. Or nut farming with my uncle Leo.

I shouldn't be teaching you anything. I don't know how to have fun.

I shouldn't take advantage of a fellow member of the male brotherhood.

I sold a picture. That's great. Fabulous.

I sold it to Mr. Twinkacetti.

I sold it.

I sold that chair, and that fan, and that brass coat rack.

I suppose he can just listen. All right, one moment.

I suppose he can just listen. All right, one moment.

I suppose this means you also didn't bake me a cake?

I suppose you're gonna tell me there was no one at the door

I teach high school geography.

I think I'll just hit the sack. I think I'll just hit the sack.

I think it's time I took your back by the horns.

I think that's a little out of your league.

I think we should get some practice...

I think we should take a few more practice spins around the living room...

I think we're out of ice.

I think you won't admit it. But you really did have fun tonight.

I thought you were going to your citizenship class.

I told you all sales are final.

I told you to hit the brake. Yes, but you confused me.

I tore my clothes. I sprained my ankle.

I tried to call you from the hospital, but the phones were being used.

I understand.

I volunteered my car.

I walk the streets. I search the alleys.

I wanna get close enough to get the picture.

I want it to be a surprise.

I want the rest of my money.

I want to worship your painted toenails.

I want you to pick it up. Shouldn't take your more than a whole day.

I want you to watch the store.

I want you to watch the store.

I was a fool to think that ever I could have a license like a real American.

I was more concerned about my car than your feelings.

I was one of nine kids.

I was over at the doughnut shop and what's his name came in.

I was supposed to sell my first photograph when I was 16.

I was thinking that you probably didn't go to a basketball game last night.

I was willing to destroy a person's reputation...

I was wrong, I'm sorry I pouted. There.

I wasn't inviting you.

I won't forget this.

I would not shine your shoes if my life depend on it.

I would probably be arrested for speed reading.

I would rather spend the evening with Jabba the Hutt.

I would've been dragged to my death...

I wrote checks.

I wrote on your birthday card.

I, on the other hand, like to make sure there's water, a lifeguard...

I'll bet it did.

I'll do better. Okay.

I'll explain it some other time, huh?

I'll get back on that horse. You bet you.

I'll get it

I'll get it

I'll get it. No, no, cousin.

I'll give you $65 for this furniture, turnip.

I'll hide the party stuff, and that way, we all surprise him at the same moment.

I'll hide the party stuff, and that way, we all surprise him at the same moment.

I'll make an exception just to say this.

I'll never be nice again.

I'll show it who's boss. That's the spirit.

I'll take care of this.

I'll tell you why, because nobody ever returns your calls.

I'll work, I'll take your abuse, but I won't lie to your wife for you.

I'm 24. Time ran out at midnight.

I'm a failure.

I'm a loser in life.

I'm a professional sheepherder.

I'm a true American.

I'm Balki Bartokomous.

I'm going to my citizenship class. Balki, you can't do this to me.

I'm going. Yeah.

I'm gonna buy back my furniture for what you paid Balki for it.

I'm gonna go put on my face. Sure, easy for you.

I'm gonna tell you something about my upbringing I have never told you.

I'm grumpy all the time.

I'm hungry.

I'm lucky I wasn't killed.

I'm not allowed to move.

I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response.

I'm not smart enough to call the hotel and find out what he said?

I'm only doing this for you.

I'm pathetic.

I'm proud of you. Yeah?

I'm so lucky to be here.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt anyone.

I'm sorry, it's just that getting a driver's license is very important to him.

I'm sorry. You're sorry?

I'm sorry. All out of little gold stars.

I'm sorry. I'm just nervous about my date.

I'm turning right now. Signal. Signal. Signal!

I'm very nervous.

I'm very proud.

I'm your friend.

I'm, uh, looking for a "Balki Bartokomous."

I've got Cousin Larry locked in the closet.

I've got it.

I've got the talent, and Dolly Parton is my luck.

I've got to be there at 6 to sign a release and get paid.

I've spent 5 hours coming to a realization.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

If four persons come to a four way stop at the same moment...

If he's not her husband, what's he doing in her room?

If I can get a picture of her before anyone knows she's in town...

If I had a toy, I had to share it with eight other kids.

If I pick any losers, I'll think of you. Move it. Move it. Get away from my money.

If I walked as far on my little island of Mypos as I just walked...

If I wanna hear a good idea, I'll go to a smarter source than you...

If I wanted to be a photojournalist with integrity...

If it isn't tweedledum and tweedledumber.

If it wasn't for you, I'd still be throwing myself at women's feet.

If that man was your driving examiner, you'd be in a lot of trouble.

If the building was to burn down, where would your money be?

If the building was to burn down, where would your money be?

If Tony Perkins shows up wearing a dress and carrying a very large kitchen knife...

If you wait too long, it'll be an experience you'll never forget.

If you will just pick out the style of checks you want...

If you're gonna be embarrassed, don't go.

In my country...

In Mypos, money is not that important.

In the red zone? That's one.

In your car?

Includes check guarantee, credit card, overdraft protection...

Instead, you had faith in me, and you trusted me with your car.

Intellectually, I know, I know, I'm overly possessive.

Is Balki here? I can't find him.

Is Merv Griffin only a talk show host?

Is Mount Rushmore only a chunk of stone?

Is that all right? Good.

Is this neurotic?

Is today Mypos Apple and Gum Day?

Isn't life great?

Isn't she taking advantage of you?

Isn't that something? Only in America.

Isn't this just like America? Another happy ending.

It his dream come true.

It is a fascinating place.

It just hung there all limp and dangly.

It was the most important opportunity of my life.

It was tough.

It was used, it was a little uncomfortable, but it was all mine.

It wasn't easy for you to pack up and come to America.

It won't bend at all.

It would help if you didn't say "please."

It would help me if the floor didn't shake before noon.

It wouldn't be a car wreck without innocent bystanders.

It's 2 a.m.

It's a jungle out there, and I don't know how to swing.

It's a lovely dance with lots of people. Oh, look, they have takeout.

It's a pop top can. Haven't you ever seen one of these before?

It's a present from me to you.

It's because I see you're both out of work persons

It's broken.

It's fine.

It's gonna be like taking candy from a baby.

It's just not the same without the chicken.

It's just one of those gifts that can't miss.

It's just that it's my car and it's your fault.

It's just that, uh... Well, see, uh...

It's kind of a symbol of... Park it over there.

It's Larry. Oh, he's early

It's my driver's license. I just got it renewed.

It's my kind of town, Chicago is.

It's not a big deal

It's not groveling unless your head is lower than mine

It's obvious in his country, cousins can marry.

It's okay, Balki. Forget it, Mr. Twinkacetti.

It's on Twinkie. Where are the car keys?

It's part of the code of the male brotherhood.

It's so dark in here.

It's time I realized my limitations.

It's times like this that a man realizes who his friends are.

It's your birthday, isn't it?

Just don't do anything that will attract attention to us.

Just hope my tears don't short circuit the electric blanket.

Just kidding.

Just lift and push.

Just like Cagney. Yeah.

Just one moment. There's a few things I don't understand.

Just say no. No. I'm sorry.

Just sticks out like a nail in a board.

Just take the money, please. Yes. Yes.

L... I, uh... Ahem.

Land of my dreams.

Larry Appleton, you are the best friend...

Larry Appleton. That's me.

Larry, I don't see how going on a date with a friend can be embarrassing.

Larry, Larry, Larry.

Larry, why aren't you talking to Balki?

Larry, why don't you go with him? Oh. Oh, no, no, no.

Larry.

Larry. ? Larry

Larry... Nice try.

Last night, I won $600 in the poker game.

Let go the key. I'm trying. I'm really trying.

Let me ask you something.

Let me bathe in your beauty.

Let me get that for you.

Let me try to make something absolutely crystal clear for you.

Let's be adult about this. Give me my camera.

Let's boogie.

Let's get this done so that we can go back to work.

Let's go.

Let's throw him a surprise birthday party. Oh, good idea. When?

Levi, after work, do you want to have a happy hour with me?

Lf it'll be easier for you, I'll go with you. Oh, sure, come along.

Lift and push.

Lift and push.

Like a hawk.

Like that woman is looking at you?

Like this:

Like you? I'd give you a kidney.

Linda just gave you a big dog to take care of.

Listen, Sister, look behind your TV. Do you see me there?

Look at this place. It looks like Ella Fitzgerald gave a concert.

Look out! Aah!

Look this. Hello, Cousin Larry.

Look, Appleton, my wife hates for me to gamble.

Look, Balki, in America, a famous person gives up their right to privacy.

Look, Balki, you and I are different.

Look, for safety's sake, we had better define eye contact.

Look, I can't just turn you out into the cold.

Look, look.

Look, there, see? He's come back. She's not going back to her husband.

Look, you can stay a couple of days, until you get a job.

Look, you're allowed seven mistakes. You passed the test.

Look. Just leave with whatever little dignity you have left.

Look... Look, I just don't like these places.

Lower.

Lower.

Lower.

Lucky break. I couldn't see a thing.

Make sure it's in park and start it up.

Making a phone call. Balki, use the phone, I'll break a bone.

Man to man. Men do those things for each other.

Max, Snake, Sandra.

Maybe it's her brother.

Maybe Mr. Twinkacetti won't notice these things are missing.

Maybe when I was born nude in front of all those strangers.

Maybe you should go out and meet some.

Maybe you should just go to a singles bar. Oh, a singles bar. I have seen that on TV.

Meeting. A meeting place.

Mickey wouldn't try to run up your leg.

Morning, gentlemen. And I use the word incorrectly.

Mr. Twinkacetti told his wife he was with you last night.

Mr. Twinkacetti, give him a chance. How else can he pay you back?

Mr. Twinkacetti, good news. Cousin Larry sold a photograph.

Mr. Twinkacetti, he doesn't have it.

Mr. Twinkacetti, how do you get dates?

Mr. Twinkacetti, something just occurred to me.

Mr. Twinkacetti.

Mr. Twinkacetti.

Mr. Twinkacetti. Ah! Balki, Balki...

Must be child proof.

My cousin will be so happy.

My father was a sheepherder.

My first American date. Diane says she'll even see me again.

My flight gets back Tuesday. Yeah, okay.

My friend, my pal, these fingers.

My God, my wife.

My grandfather was a sheepherder.

My name is Balki. I'm Larry's cousin. Philo, my fifth...

My parents weren't poor, but they didn't have a lot of money.

My roommate. A stranger from another country.

My rug? You sold my lucky rug?

My underarms are safe, my scalp is not flaky...

My very own driver's license.

Mypos is a real country.

Needless to say, Cousin Larry...

Nervous?

Neurotic, neurotic, neurotic!

Never say die.

News flash, sweet cheeks, the ERA is dead.

News value.

Next time, buckle up. It's the law.

Next.

Nice guy, but he had more gas than Exxon.

Nice try, Susan, but it won't work.

Nightmare?

No one acknowledged my birthday. Not Tina, not Susan.

No problem.

No problem. I have checks.

No shoes, no mustard.

No way.

No way. Let me see that.

No way. Uh uh.

No, Balki. Balki, let it go.

No, cousin. Now, wait a minute. Balki.

No, cousin...

No, he's in the bathroom, not talking.

No, I didn't.

No, I don't play poker.

No, I don't understand banking.

No, I just don't like those kinds of places.

No, I mean the sofa is broken.

No, I never thought of that

No, I think it's just a sprain.

No, I won't shine your shoes. Good, keep it going.

No, I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm fine.

No, it's a surprise birthday party.

No, it's not so simple.

No, look, look, it's not your fault.

No, no, Balki. What are you doing?

No, no, I think... Balki, watch and learn.

No, no, no, you don't got it. You've got to understand.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

No, no, no. I mean, I didn't mean to say that.

No, no, no. Interest is what people pay the bank so that they can use your money.

No, no, no. No.

No, no, you can't come in. Balki, you invited us, remember?

No, no, you don't throw your master plan right out the window.

No, no. I wanted to be a professional photojournalist.

No, no. Now, Balki, Balki. Now, I am desperate, I am in need.

No, thank you. What are you saying?

No, this is... This is really...

No, this my Cousin Larry.

No, you were right.

No.

No.

No. Look. Look. Look.

No. Please.

No. ...pay it back someday.

No. Balki, a single's bar is not my first choice of places to meet women.

No. I am the lowest form of life.

No. No, don't say you're sorry. It takes the edge off.

Not even my mom. I thought at least my mom liked me.

Not even Twinkacetti can spoil this.

Not now, I'm counting to a thousand. What happened?

Not on your life.

Not only he sold the photograph, but it's his birthday.

Not until I get a few things off my neck.

Nothing. I have finished.

Now how do I close that?

Now tell me what he said.

Now tell me what he said.

Now we are so happy we do the Dance of Joy.

Now we're happy because we're friends again

Now you go mix and mangle.

Now you happy? What is this, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hekyll?

Now, come on, Appleton, huh?

Now, come on, try it again.

Now, cousin, it would make me happy to do something for you...

Now, don't worry. I believe in you.

Now, get in the car.

Now, get out of here.

Now, give me my camera.

Now, I never will be a real live cousin of my Uncle Sam.

Now, I wanna see heels going that way.

Now, it's in park, so just start it up.

Now, let's pretend that this is my car.

Now, put it in drive...

Now, remember, he likes to be walked at 10:00.

Now, tell me the truth. Are you really surprised?

Now, tell me what Gus said about Dolly Parton.

Now, that's rule number one.

Now, the first thing is what we call eye contact.

Now, we're cruising down the street. A little broccoli, a little broccoli.

Now, what I'm gonna do is throw a few emergency situations your way, okay?

Now, you see, don't you feel better? Well, yeah, I do.

Now, you see, you couldn't have this talk if you lived alone.

Obviously, you don't know the first thing about physics.

Of course I am.

Of course I can. It's probably just the picture tube.

Of course I did.

Of course I did. Don't be ridiculous.

Of course I did. What do you think, I'm going to move in with some stranger?

Of course I do. Don't be ridiculous.

Of course I have. Don't be ridiculous.

Of course I have. Don't be ridiculous.

Of course I have. Don't be ridiculous.

Of course it does. This is America.

Of course not.

Of course not. Balki fixed it.

Of course not. Don't be ridiculous.

Of course not. Don't be ridiculous.

Of course not. Don't be ridiculous.

Of course not. Don't be ridiculous.

Of course, no hot water. Why should I expect hot water?

Of course, of course I meant it, Balki, cousin, friend.

Of course, sometimes there are side effects.

Of course. How else you go to make it work? It was broke.

Of course. I tell you where to put everything.

Oh, and at 24, you're supposed to sell a photograph.

Oh, Balki.

Oh, Bobo...

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Can I try my opening line?

Oh, come on. No, No.

Oh, come on. No.

Oh, come on. Show us. It takes a lot of people.

Oh, Cousin Larry.

Oh, cousin, I know you never can forgive me.

Oh, cousin, that's terrible. Why not?

Oh, cousin, you must be so disappointed.

Oh, cousin, you're being too hard on yourself.

Oh, crullers.

Oh, fine. Everything's fine. They like me. They love my photograph.

Oh, great, lay a guilt trip on me

Oh, he's cute.

Oh, he's sweet. You know, I hope he gets the job.

Oh, hey, hey, hey. You paid for it, you take it.

Oh, hi, Gus.

Oh, hi, Linda, I forgot you were coming.

Oh, how sad.

Oh, I forgive you.

Oh, I see. It's written on the back of your pants.

Oh, I'm Harrison Harper.

Oh, it went great. Everything's fine. Fine, fine, fine.

Oh, it's a wonderful thing, a driver's license.

Oh, look what you got. You lucky son of a goat.

Oh, my cousin, Larry, would love to hear that.

Oh, my God, she is. Go ahead and get her, you love devil.

Oh, nice to see you, Larry.

Oh, no, he's leaving. I've gotta get a picture of them together.

Oh, no, I didn't. Yes, you did.

Oh, no, it doesn't.

Oh, no. Goodbye, boys.

Oh, no. Was anybody hurt?

Oh, not one from here.

Oh, poh poh.

Oh, poor cousin. Here, I know how to fix your back.

Oh, so now I'm a member

Oh, sure, sure. And then what do I do the next year?

Oh, thank you, Cousin Larry.

Oh, that was no problem. I just wrote a check.

Oh, the driving manual. Well, you can't study that too much.

Oh, they're nice and safe. I locked them in the car.

Oh, to get an official document like that must make you so aroused.

Oh, too bad. You lost your pal?

Oh, uh, thank you, Mr. Twinkacetti, but...

Oh, well, I hope you're still gonna be able to look after Gorbachev.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you dirty rat.

Oh, you don't wanna do that.

Oh, you really... You... You shouldn't have...

Oh, you want to wish him a happy birthday?

Oh, you're Lou. Well, l...

Oh!

Oh! Ah! Ooh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. And get this.

Oh. Oh.

Oh...

Ohh, I can't believe you did this.

Ohh.

Okay, Balki, if you're not gonna take this seriously, there's no point in teaching you.

Okay, everybody, start singing.

Okay, flowers.

Okay, not so fast. Not so fast.

Okay, okay.

Okay, okay.

Okay, one wrong.

Okay, stay off the bed.

Okay, we put all the food there, and we put the balloons here.

Okay, we skip the chicken.

Okay, wise eyes, you're asking for it

Okay, you're right.

Okay, your first name is spelled B A L K... K I. K I.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. A promise is a promise.

Okay. And then I teach you how to balance a broom on your nose.

Okay. Don't get crazy.

Okay. Good.

Okay. I'll give that to you.

Okay. Now, put your foot on the brake.

Okay. Now.

Old habits die hard. Oh...

On second thought, I've seen all these colors.

On second thought, pinhead, do it yourself.

On the brake, the g****fruit. Good.

On this part of the test, you're only allowed three mistakes.

Once my grandmother broke her little finger into Silly Putty.

One dollar.

One hundred, and some glass beads. Good deal, huh?

One threat of death and I was out there tapping my little feet off.

One wrong? One wrong, Balki, that's great.

Only a driver's license? Is the Lincoln Memorial only a building?

Only in America.

Ooh! Ah!

Our Happy Saver Account.

Out of the way. Let's see. Aha.

Over there.

Ow!

Pay her a compliment, ask her her name. It's easy.

People look at you.

People meet each other here. They mate somewhere else.

Perfect.

Perfect. Yeah?

Philo, my fifth cousin three times removed...

Please, Cousin Larry, please come with me.

Please, cousin.

Please, God, tell me I didn't make a mistake.

Please, or I'll look at you and point. Okay.

Please, you have to go with me. You're the love expert.

Please. Balki, Balki.

Potato crumbs. My favorite.

Pouting was invented on Mypos.

Professional loser.

Puppies.

Push and lift.

Put your money where your mouth is.

Rainbows it is.

Rainbows. I love rainbows.

Read the first line.

Really? Yes, it's called "The Dance of Joy."

Reams.

Refusing to sell out to get where you wanna go.

Relax. The people here are very, very nice.

Remember that picture I submitted of the burning building?

Remember, turnip? Bouncy, bouncy.

Requires a minimum balance of $2, and you get a free Freddy the Frog bank.

Right. Right.

Ritz Discount.

Run, Dolly, run.

Safe? Didn't you ever think that a thief could break in here...

Said they'd call.

Same damn thing every day. Sunlight. It gets old.

Say it. No.

See you. Bye bye, Susan.

See, Balki doesn't know it...

See, I just moved here myself. This is the first time I've lived alone.

See, I want to live alone.

See, I'm letting her take advantage of me..

See, my furniture was...

See, my master plan is a schedule of how I want achieve my goal in life.

See? All that studying paid off.

Seven, eight, nine, 10. Larry, what happened?

Seventy five bucks?

She checked into a room with a man who is not her husband.

She is going to love you.

She is so manipulative.

She must be looking at someone else.

She'll love you. I guarantee it. Well, maybe you're right.

She's going back to her husband because she's a good person.

She's in the lounge, with the man that I'm sure is her brother.

She's just told him that they can't go on like this.

She's on the plane to Nashville. No.

Sheesh.

Sit down.

Skinny, dirty, wrinkled face.

Snake. Yeah.

So big, so white, so fluffy, good gums. Waiter, yo.

So cousin Philo says to me, he says:

So I got on the bus.

So I had to go out and invite Sandra and Max and the others...

So I just wanna say thank you...

So I said goodbye to Mypos, my little Mediterranean island country...

So I took a right and suddenly...

So if it ever comes up, I was with you.

So many beautiful women.

So my kid misses Christmas.

So sit down and help yourself to the goodies.

So the next one presents his sheep, even more beautiful.

So they decide to bring each the prize animal to be judged by the others.

So this is one of your American mating places.

So we have to do the Dance of Joy.

So when I moved here, see, I bought this furniture...

So you really think I sound like Cagney?

So, Balki, ready for your big date? Well, let me see.

So, Diane, what do you do?

So... Hey, pal, that's my girlfriend.

Some men in the Nixon White House did those things for each other.

Some of these people went to college.

Somebody call the police.

Somebody call the police.

Something like, "Do you come here often?"

Sorry.

Sorry. Now I understand why he doesn't have a crease in his pants.

Sounds like a good day to me. Go for it, sport.

Sounds like you had fun too.

Speech. Yeah, go ahead.

Speech. Speech. Speech.

Spend an evening with people saying:

Stand there.

Step into the 20th century.

Stop. Stop. Don't. Don't...

Stretch out.

Stunned.

Suffer this. I got my license.

Sure, I said it. I didn't mean it.

Sure. There, see? You did it again.

Sure. You want me to sew something for you?

Surprise!

Surprise.

Surprise... What? A surprise burglary?

Susan, let me shine your shoes with my heart.

Susan, they haven't even made parts for that radio in 40 years.

Susan, this is the cousin I was telling you about.

Susan. Hi, Balki.

Take a reality pill.

Take good care of it.

Take Gorbachev for a walk at 10, okay?

Take it or leave it. He'll take it. Can you fix it?

Take me and do with me as you will.

Take the little black handle. Yes.

Take your hand off my face.

Taking a picture of Dolly Parton is photojournalism?

Talk about your nepotism.

Tell me. I'll do it.

Ten it is. Maybe 9:30.

Thank God I didn't tell anyone else it's my birthday.

Thank you, Balki.

Thank you, Balki.

Thank you.

Thank you. I have a dark side.

Thank you. I hope you're happy too.

Thank you. Lou? Snake.

Thanks

Thanks, Balki.

Thanks, Balki. I should thank you.

Thanks, but you're wasting your time, Balki. Come on.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

That goes without saying.

That grumpy guy from the driver's license store.

That is not true.

That many thank yous would be appropriate if you were staying a long time.

That means he has what you call integrity.

That was one of the nicest things anybody's ever done for me.

That woman is still looking at you. She is?

That's all I need.

That's all there is to it.

That's American for "fired." It's a colorful language, isn't it?

That's an American birthday tradition. Haven't you ever heard of that?

That's because every vertebra in my body is compressed.

That's behind the wheel. And see? That's what I'm talking about.

That's enough. Balki, Balki, that's it. "The Dance of Joy" is over.

That's eye contact.

That's him. That's the man that's been following me.

That's incredible. Yes.

That's it.

That's my lamp.

That's nice.

That's nice.

That's not fair. That radio probably hasn't worked for 40 years.

That's not quite what happened.

That's one of them. Now what?

That's p's and q's. I didn't know that.

That's sneaky. I know.

That's the idea.

That's the last one.

That's the Money Market Manager Account. You have the Happy Saver Account.

That's the way it goes. Last week there were pages of them.

That's what this ordeal is about? A hundred and twenty eight dollars?

That's why I'm so fascinated by Balki's homeland.

That's why I'm telling her I'm going to a basketball game with you.

That's why you buy insurance. Thank you.

That's why you came to America.

That's your father. Yeah, that's the story I heard too.

The baby wasn't even that cute.

The bank gives you nice checks with pretty little pictures.

The car is behind door number two.

The driver never ever covers his eyes.

The finger is no more limp and dangly.

The guy just happens to live next door to the publisher's barber.

The hospital? You were in the hospital?

The hospital? You were in the hospital?

The important part is the groveling

The journalism will have to come later.

The little baby... I get the picture.

The lounge.

The mailman put this in my box by mistake.

The man who doesn't believe the refrigerator light goes off.

The man who knows a thousand and one unfunny jokes about sheep.

The man who thinks Bo Derek is a fine little actress.

The manual? The driving manual.

The one who had a heart attack.

The one who had a heart attack.

The only job I'm actually qualified for is clerk in a discount store.

The only redhead in his homeland was a tree squirrel.

The point is I don't want you to lose your confidence.

The point is, I had to take the beast with me.

The point is, the cart plowed right into my front fender.

The point is, with all those kids, nothing was ever really yours.

The point...

The same thing they do with my money.

The sorry person says, "I am dirt.

The sweat of a pig. The sweat of a pig. I've got it, I've got it.

Then he doesn't have a chance? Well, I didn't say that.

Then I take you in my thoughts.

There she is.

There you go, 15 points.

There you go, letting people take advantage of you.

There, is that good enough?

There's a lot of traffic.

There's no party. I made a big mistake. Stupid Balki. Now go away.

There's no punch line either. That didn't stop him.

There's one question I have to ask you. Yes.

There's your answer.

These three sheepherders want to find out...

They are going to Mexico to live in sin.

They build these things so children can fold them up.

They came today.

They did? When did they leave?

They don't. That's what makes newspapers wanna buy it.

They even threw in these plastic flowers.

They give my money to other people just because it's interesting?

They loan it out to other people for interest.

They look at the fellow who's not singing and dancing.

They'll take this furniture back and we'll get back my stuff.

Things don't always come easy.

Think of Mickey.

This could get ugly.

This cute Mediterranean boy means every groveling word.

This goes right there. And then we have this amplifier to go on top.

This is a sure sale.

This is a terrific birthday present.

This is crazy. A big city like Chicago...

This is fun.

This is Max, from the newsstand near the bus stop.

This is not a cafeteria.

This is Officer Finley. Yo.

This is the funniest joke in all of Mypos. It's a small country.

This is the most utterly miserable day of my entire miserable life.

This is typical. This is so typical.

This is your gear shift...

This may be the greatest day of my life.

This window too much on you?

Those nuns are so pushy.

Those pinches paid off.

Three hundred. Four hundred.

Three thou...

Three thousand twenty eight dollars and forty three cents

Today is your birthday? Yeah

Today on our lunch hour, I'll take you to my bank.

Tomorrow I get a job very fast. I'm a professional.

Tonight. Got it?

Too bad we didn't learn it sooner.

Too little, too late.

Took care of that.

Tramp, tramp, tramp.

Translated, that means your pal doesn't think you can do it.

Twinkacetti cannot beat me.

Twinkacetti will never know the difference.

Twinkacetti, Balki could get a driver's license.

TWINKACETTl: Get the man a chair.

TWINKACETTl: Get the man a chair.

TWINKACETTl: Huh.

TWINKACETTl: Wait a minute.

Two chickens is a pig, two pigs is a cow, and two cows is a fortune.

Two hundred. One seventy five.

Uh uh.

Uh, Balki, I don't think that's a good idea.

Uh, excuse me. Cousin Larry, you're getting on my nerves.

Uh, excuse us. This is Balki Bartokomous.

Uh, I can't do that. I can't lie for you.

Uh, Mr. Twinkacetti...

Uh. Unbelievable.

Uh...

Uh... In my car?

Uncover the left eye.

Unfortunately, I lived.

Until you take a picture of them, and then her life is ruined.

Up, up.

Very good.

Wait a minute, I was just thinking about what the turnip said here...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Waiter, check, please.

Waiter. Waiter.

Was that a yes or a no?

Watch and learn.

We are talking about Balki.

We are? Yes.

We are? Why?

We better hustle our buttocks.

We could have gone to the movies instead.

We grew up in a middle class house...

We have no sewers. And in the rainy season, it...

We have to talk.

We kid around.

We kid around. Ha ha ha!

We take some nice mud, and we make a cast, and dry in the hot sun.

We were practicing parking at the supermarket...

We will.

We wouldn't want magic fingers here to accidentally hurt his hands.

We'II, uh, negotiate.

We'll double the pleasure, double the fun.

We'll go for a ride in my car.

We'll stay here. Susan... Oh, no, come on, Larry.

We're not having this conversation. This whole day has been some cosmic joke.

Well, another birthday...

Well, at the last minute...

Well, Balki, a man's car is not just a piece of machinery.

Well, Balki, uh, look. There is a problem.

Well, Balki, what if there's traffic jam?

Well, Balki, you got us our jobs back.

Well, because I was busy watching and learning.

Well, because it was very dark at that hotel.

Well, bite my tongue.

Well, but you complained about your broken sofa...

Well, call him up. We'll all party.

Well, can you show us the dance? Oh, no. No dancing.

Well, come on. I don't have all day.

Well, cousin, call me cuckoo, but instead of giving up on life...

Well, cousin, that's what friends do.

Well, credit is proving to the bank that you don't need to borrow your own money.

Well, don't you think you're stepping on her privacy?

Well, first you pluck a chicken.

Well, for one thing, it's the only dream I've got.

Well, for that, you gotta go to a doctor.

Well, glad you could make it, Max.

Well, good news, you got that job already.

Well, how much is it?

Well, I don't know what you said, honey, but he's wearing a big, happy face.

Well, I got off in New York, but then I took the bus to Chicago.

Well, I got sucked into the mob mentality.

Well, I guess the way you feel, what would make you feel a little better...

Well, I have heard so much about you too and I don't believe half of it.

Well, I have heard so much about you.

Well, I have read every day for a week. That's good.

Well, I hope you're happy.

Well, I invite them to your birthday party.

Well, I might as well get some sleep now.

Well, I think I'll pick out my woman now.

Well, I tried to tell you that, but you wouldn't listen.

Well, I was busy avoiding the runaway baby carriage.

Well, I'd better leave. Well, you got one hour.

Well, I'd love to talk about my nepotism, but I don't know what that is.

Well, I'll make it up on Saturday. I'm sewing Mr. Twinkacetti's pants

Well, I'll tell you, it's time for action.

Well, I'm flattered.

Well, I'm just touched and moved that you all went to all this trouble.

Well, I'm saying...

Well, I'm sure we can think of something.

Well, I'm the one that sleeps there, so I buy the new one.

Well, I'm touched.

Well, if they're using my money, why don't they pay me?

Well, it is nice to have somebody to talk to.

Well, it made sense when Mr. Twinkacetti explained it.

Well, it's a little hard to remember when you're driving a coffee table.

Well, it's all right, I forgive you because I am so happy for you.

Well, it's hard to argue when you put it like that.

Well, it's the photo part.

Well, l... I hardly know what to say.

Well, look here.

Well, look, some people can sing and dance and get away with it.

Well, Mr. Harper will watch it.

Well, my family only had one car. My country only had one car.

Well, no. It turns out what he had was a bad lunch.

Well, not a day goes by, I don't ask myself what I did to deserve him

Well, not this furniture, but my own furniture.

Well, of course I do. I want it to be safe.

Well, other than gargling with Pledge, I think you're off to a good start.

Well, she is a stewardess.

Well, stick around. When Twinkacetti fires me, you can apply for my job.

Well, thanks a lot. Hope I can return the favor somehow.

Well, that doesn't make any difference. You can still get a driver's license.

Well, that makes me feel better.

Well, that's easy.

Well, that's great.

Well, that's it. No more. Me, a photojournalist.

Well, that's not entirely it.

Well, that's not true. Fifty bucks says he can't.

Well, the bank performs a service.

Well, then I'm going to need some references from you.

Well, there are newspapers who'll buy a picture of them, whoever he is.

Well, there were price tags on that stuff. You don't go by what's on the price tag.

Well, there's a difference.

Well, these are questions that came up.

Well, they want to print it. Cousin Larry, congratulations.

Well, true.

Well, trust is what friendship is all about.

Well, uh, I think that's illegal.

Well, uh, technically, it's a cane.

Well, uh, technically, you're a jerk.

Well, uh, that's another conversation altogether.

Well, wait a minute, you came here to move in with me?

Well, we got a 7 Eleven.

Well, we only had one car.

Well, what about some peanuts?

Well, what do you know? He's right. A perfect paper.

Well, what do you think, huh?

Well, where I come from, family sticks together.

Well, yes. Provided you have good credit.

Well, you can show me tomorrow night, because you're coming with me on my date.

Well, you can sleep on the couch. It turns into a bed.

Well, you don't go by what the price tag says, do you?

Well, you don't want to do that.

Well, you fooled me, buddy.

Well, you got...

Well, you should. Keeping money around attracts burglars.

Well, you wanna hear a funny story? No. Where's my money?

Well, you're in a good mood.

Well...

Well... Well, it was my furniture.

What a cherished moment.

What a great sound. How much you want for it?

What a swell guy.

What a wonderful day we've had.

What about a little happy face?

What are we talking about?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing? I can't let you take advantage of her.

What are you doing? Sunglasses.

What are you talking about? Your driver's license.

What can I say? Everybody, you're...

What can I say? I'm scum.

What did we lose?

What did you do with it? That's no problem.

What did you get me? Well, l...

What do we do? Okay, okay.

What do you go by?

What do you mean, "What did I get you"? I'm supposed to get presents.

What do you mean, no way? I am not crazy.

What do you mean, you can't? It's simple.

What do you mean, you didn't?

What do you say we go out and celebrate?

What door? That door! That closet!

What else do you do?

What happened? I was worried.

What happened? What happened? He is what happened.

What I meant about that was if you wanna help people, you should.

What I'm saying is that people have a right to know...

What if a giant prehistoric monster crawls out of Lake Michigan...

What if the elevator gets stuck? What if the building burns down?

What if they don't want their picture taken?

What is a master plan?

What is integrity?

What is my league? Little League.

What is that about Dolly Parton?

What is this male brotherhood?

What runaway baby carriage?

What school bus? I don't understand this game.

What that is?

What the matter with you is? Nothing the matter with me is.

What the price tag says?

What this? That's pink lemonade.

What TV did she buy?

What woman?

What your name is? Uh...

What, uh?

What?

What?

What? You slammed the door.

What? I was getting my money.

What? Perfect.

What? What? What? What?

What? Why? We were having fun. Fun?

What? Yeah, Susan, calm down.

What's a parking brake? Got you.

What's the big deal? What's the big deal?

What's the last line you can read?

What's the matter?

What's to know? Why do I have to explain everything?

When I got close enough to take the picture, she saw me and took off.

When I put my money here, what are you going to do with it?

When my money is here, who is going to be watching it?

When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

When you fall off that horse, you've got to climb right back on and show it who's boss.

When you wanna buy something, sign your name to a check.

Where are the want ads? It's time I faced reality.

Where are you going? I don't know.

Where did you get the money to pay for all this stuff?

Where do I come up with them?

Where have you been?

Where's my hat rack?

Where's the other 30? That was my mistake.

Where's the rest? That's it.

Where's the yo yo?

Where's your car? In front.

Which is a good thing, because they let the guy with the brain drive.

While you were inside meeting your fox like American chick...

Who are you people?

Who are you?

Who are you?

Who are you? I'm Lou.

Who cares? You can fix things?

Who cares? Why is he selling stuff?

Who do you think you're talking to? Somebody nice?

Who is Frank?

Who is that? Well, I think it must be a friend of Lou's.

Who knows when it started?

Who was that? Was that Gus?

Who's Lou? Hey.

Who's this, your ventriloquist?

Whoa!

Whoo. Whoo.

Why are you standing there holding my hat on a stick?

Why can't I say, "Watch the birdie"?

Why couldn't I see what I was doing?

Why did I ask?

Why didn't you tell me that?

Why don't they call?

Why don't we step into the office? I got fresh coffee.

Why don't we use this one? No, Balki, no.

Why don't you make a speech, cousin? Yeah. I want a speech.

Why don't you show me, Cousin Larry? You're the expert.

Why have you got peanuts in that pocket?

Why not?

Why not?

Why not? I'm young.

Why you been following us all over town?

Why you did that? A school bus pulled out in front of you.

Why you didn't tell me it's our birthday?

Why, I spent years saving nickels and dimes so that I could...

Why?

Why? Because he lost his voice, and that's that.

Why? Because he lost his voice, and that's that.

Why? He can't talk to you.

Will you come with me, Cousin Larry? Tonight is kind of special.

Will you stop it?

Will you teach me? Well, sure.

Wise up, Appleton.

Wolf in the flock! Wolf in the flock!

Would it be impolite to ask if I could be your slave for life?

Would you get me the mustard? Oh, sure.

Would you like to explain this to him?

Would you smother me with your beautiful American body?

Would you stop?

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, blame it on me. Yes, why didn't I see it before?

Yeah, good boy. Yeah, good boy.

Yeah, haven't you ever seen color TV before?

Yeah, I got lucky.

Yeah, okay, okay, okay. I'll be right up.

Yeah, uh...

Yeah, yeah, all I want is $3028.43.

Yeah, yeah, okay. Oh, sure. Ah! Ooh!

Yeah?

Yeah? If you'd watch where you were going...

Yeah.

Yeah. We're buddies.

Yeah. We're roommates.

Yeah. We're working together.

Yeah. Come to think of it, I wonder when mine's up for renewal.

Yeah. That's him over there, the one who can stand erect.

Yeah. Well, it's only a mouse. They're cute.

Yeah. Well, it's only a mouse. They're cute.

Yes, and you'll notice that none of them have men wrapped around their ankles.

Yes, and you're welcome.

Yes, but I was ready to be a quitter, and give up my part of the American dream.

Yes, he is and I just... All the best.

Yes, I see it. Boy, that was an easy test.

Yes, I think so. I have to sit down.

Yes, it is. I don't like it.

Yes, it's all my fault and I'll burn in hell for it.

Yes, right. No problem. I know you live with a lot of stress.

Yes, she is.

Yes, that's it.

Yes, this is Larry Appleton.

Yes, yes, yes. Whatever works for you.

Yes, you are.

Yes, you did. No, I didn't.

Yes.

Yes. Damn.

Yes. Lou told me.

Yes. Oh, no, I'm not.

Yes. No.

Yes. Yes, and so is this.

You actually did it. You did it.

You also look shorter.

You are a fun person. Really?

You are not. I'm not?

You are professional picture taker. It's your dream come true.

You are the head man here, aren't you?

You are? Yes. See, I come from a big family.

You bet you will, buddy.

You brought him here. This is all your fault.

You can fool some of the sheep all of the time...

You can stay until l... Oh, thank you, thank you.

You can't do this to me. It's not fair.

You can't even see your own nose in front of your face.

You can't fire Larry. He's a good person.

You come out here right now, you unfair person.

You danced. I was threatened.

You did good.

You did it. You did it. I did it.

You did not make a spectacle of yourself. Not even a private one.

You did? All without moving.

You didn't mean it.

You don't do that to other women. I don't know any other women.

You don't even know which side of the wheel to be on.

You don't have to tell me that tonight is going to be a disaster.

You don't keep your money in a mattress. You keep your money in a bank.

You don't know how many people have never heard of you.

You don't know what kind of good fellow you're dumping to the birds.

You don't like it? No, it's not that I don't like it.

You don't mean that. Oh, yes, I do.

You don't trust me in a real car?

You don't wanna go to prison for this furniture.

You don't want it driven into the side of a building.

You don't?

You found a place to live. That was tough.

You found me. You found a job.

You get presents on your birthday? Well, of course.

You get to wear a disguise.

You go downstairs and head everybody off.

You go downstairs and head everybody off.

You got it? You got it.

You got it.

You got your steering wheel, your brake, gear shift, accelerator.

You got your walking papers, buster.

You gotta stop being so nice.

You guys got a corkscrew? Top drawer, next to the sink.

You have got the right stuff.

You have learned something, and I have learned something.

You have pink lemons?

You have something to say before I pull your tongue out through your nose?

You haven't seen pouting until you've seen the Mypos Kiss of Silence.

You hooked all that stuff up to that radio?

You keep shouting, "Hit the g****fruit, hit the g****fruit."

You killed my brother, you dirty rat.

You know it'll work, and I know it'll work.

You know that manual backwards and forwards.

You know this one. You're so funny.

You know what I think?

You know what they used? The oldest cliche in the book.

You know, Balki, believe it or not...

You know, for one crazy moment...

You know, I can pout too.

You know, I learned something else tonight.

You know, I think I should look for a job as a salesperson.

You know, I'm gonna try to loosen up more often.

You know, in Mypos to do that, we had to squeeze a frog.

You know, lying to your wife is really terrible.

You know, now you're making Balki mad.

You know, on Mypos, we have a way of showing an apology is real.

You know, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

You know, you taught me, if I just relax and be myself, people will like me.

You know, you're right.

You laughed. A hollow laugh.

You leave my heroes out of this.

You like to just jump into the swimming pool of life...

You locked me in the closet.

You look... You look, into a woman's eyes from across the room.

You lost the bet, pay me. Give me my money.

You lost your car? You lost the bet. Pay me.

You lost. Bow and get out.

You may be a failure in every area of your life...

You mean if I live in a glass house, I must not throw stones.

You mean, when I want to spend money, all I have to do is sign my name to a check?

You must have made a mistake.

You need me.

You not only have a job here...

You only had $ 128...

You order a birthday cake? Oh, please. Party's over.

You really know your stuff, Cousin Larry.

You said when I have read the manual and memorized the rules...

You sang. I didn't enjoy it.

You saved my life.

You scared my wife half to death. I did?

You scared my wife half to death. I did?

You see a woman, you offer her 50 bucks, not a penny more.

You see, I've lived my whole life with eight brothers and sisters.

You see, Larry? I passed the eye test.

You should be proud of yourself.

You should keep your money in a bank.

You shoved me in the closet and you locked the door.

You sold it to Twinkacetti?

You sold my chair, my sofa, my coffee table, my lamp?

You sold my furniture for 75 bucks?

You think I could sell this elegant decor for a measly 75 bucks?

You told me that.

You told me that.

You told me to say no.

You took me in.

You tried to tell me that, but I wouldn't listen.

You tried to trick Balki.

You want me to walk the dog? Yes.

You want to bond with her?

You want to get lucky with Dolly Parton?

You were one step away from throwing yourself at that woman's feet, weren't you?

You were so sad, I decide to call up all of our friends and invite them to your party.

You will? Did I say it?

You won't know I'm there. Great.

You wrote a check for $3000 more than you have.

You wrote a check for an apple and a pack of gum?

You wrote a check? For how much?

You, see the eye chart?

You!

You... You, uh...

You'll be embarrassed when that radio works.

You'll cover for me, won't you?

You'll have to forgive Balki.

You'll have to take a job until an untended flock pops up.

You'll never get it.

You'll put that money in a checking account.

You're afraid if I learn the secrets of your power, I'll misuse it.

You're both hired again.

You're breaking my heart, eh?

You're embarrassing Susan. Stand up. Act like a man.

You're full of it.

You're gonna grow old and gray busting your butt for me...

You're kidding me. You keep your money under a mattress?

You're kidding.

You're kidding. Great. I'll be there.

You're not dealing with a dimwit here.

You're not Dolly Parton.

You're not Dolly Parton. She's not? But I was told...

You're not exactly pushing me to my outer limits.

You're not exactly pushing me to my outer limits.

You're not supposed to be on the expressway.

You're on.

You're really enjoying this, aren't you? Human suffering is my thing.

You're right.

You're right. I'd better get a move on.

You're right. It's my fault.

You're sewing Twinkacetti's pants?

You're so lucky the Statue of Liberty didn't wave you away.

You're supposed to get the presents?

You're teasing Balki. No. It's no big deal.

You're the best.

You're the greatest, Gus. Thanks.

You're the one that made me go to a bank and got me confused.

You're the only one he doesn't try to kill.

You're thinking, "Balki's my friend.

You're welcome to stay until you can afford a place.

You've got to learn to say no. I can't say no.

You've got your Money Market Manager Account.

You've gotta stand up for yourself.

You've had a busy day.

You've taken away my toys.

Your father didn't call you? Well, I'm sure he tried...

Your left or my left?

Your left. My right.

Your membership card to the American dream.

Your place of birth? Mypos. It's a Mediterranean island.

Zip, as in the big O.

...a party?

...about every aspect of a public figure's life.

...and a free color TV. Oh, I like that one.

...and at the proper moment, click, dance fever.

...and cover my face in shame.

...and eats Chicago?

...and I don't touch her body unless I am asked

...and I got on the tramp steamer.

...and I just wanted to give you something.

...and I just wasn't home.

...and I owe him nothing.

...and I'd be stupid to let either one of you guys walk out that door.

...and I'll never forget this birthday as long as I live.

...and my breath is lemon fresh.

...and slowly, slowly, give it a little broccoli.

...and the g****fruit is your brake.

...and the man on my right has the right of way, who goes first?

...and the sheep says, "You think I'm ugly? Well, I'm not."

...and use my car to take that test.

...and you are off in dreamland with a stuffed sheep.

...and you don't like your old furniture...

...another banner year of failure with a capital F for Larry Appleton.

...are you taking advantage of me?

...bam, your money's gone.

...because it's not a party if nobody comes.

...because our marriage is based on mutual trust.

...because you are my friend.

...before the accelerator defrosts.

...before we get into an actual moving, life threatening motor vehicle.

...but at least you have one friend."

...but I'm gonna slip this little baby in that big old radio...

...but you can't fool some of the sheep all of the time.

...by myself.

...by selling a picture to a sleazy newspaper...

...didn't go to the trouble of getting a card to say:

...Frank and me were on the expressway in the middle of rush hour.

...get tired ransacking the apartment, lie down to take a nap...

...hidden behind your photo of Gordon Liddy.

...I can write checks for more money than I have as long as I...

...I come home and I find that you...

...I suspected you of playing poker with your sleazy friends.

...I think I've been wasting my time poking animals up the hill with a stick.

...I was out in the parking lot...

...I'd be drowning in the ocean right now.

...I'll break your chubby little legs.

...I'll even pay you minimum wage. Shh!

...I'm gone like a bird.

...if Gorbachev hadn't met a stray poodle who was coming off a bad relationship.

...if I'm not there to pick up the pieces.

...if you trust me that much, I'll do it.

...in America, you don't always get what you want right away.

...in Madison, Wisconsin... Look, the new stuff is coming, all right?

...in the hope that it will help bond our relationship.

...is a step uncle to your father on my mother's side...

...is put his hat on that rack.

...it'll show the newspaper editors I've got what it takes to be a crack photojournalist

...it's gonna take a lot of talent and luck.

...just to get my career started.

...learning that the human body can bounce off of concrete.

...less the pack of gum, apple and bug light.

...like a wedge of cheese.

...please be careful because they're expensive.

...right here, until you die.

...tell him I'm in the shower.

...test for algae.

...that makes a better person.

...that was one of the best birthdays I've ever had

...the frozen broccoli is your accelerator...

...then he changes that.

...there is not one single advertisement in here for a sheepherder.

...they decided to use a picture taken by some other guy.

...this Mediterranean sheepherder ever had.

...to find my son." That's you.

...to pay for the stereo stuff and the hat rack.

...twice.

...two continents removed.

...until I was very good at saying no.

...we can wrap this up during my lifetime.

...weddings, tax audit, Heimlich Maneuver.

...welcome to the wonderful worid of being in debt.

...what made me think I could start out this way?

...when all of a sudden this runaway shopping cart came hurtling across the lot.

...when somebody learns something about himself that is not good...

...which means you can write checks up to $5000 over your balance...

...which was on the roof.

...who has the most beautiful sheep in all of Mypos.

...why you don't just change your plan? Give yourself more time.

...without even checking to see if there is water.

...would be to have a nice dinner with some friends, or maybe...

...you could sell it for more money. It's a good idea.

...you have perfect bone structure for having babies.

...you have to go to Madison, Wisconsin to look up George Appleton."

...you work your way over to the woman and you use your opening line.

...you would give me my lesson in front of the wheel.

...you wouldn't fall down.

...you're making one big mistake, ghost buster.

"Balki, when you move to America...

"Can I buy you a drink?"

"Copyright l963. Printed in Hicksville, New York."

"Didn't we meet in the Oval Office?" Things like that.

"E."

"Give me a light. Go for the gusto."

"Happy Birthday, Cousin Larry.

"Here's to good friends."

"Hey, how's it going, Larry? Whatever happened to the old master plan?"

"Levi Strauss."

"Look at that fellow singing and dancing."

"Mypos"? I challenge that.

"That's my cousin, Larry Appleton, the best photographer in the worid."

"You can't set your watch by a dream. They operate on schedules all their own."