Peep Show (2003) - Season 1 Edit

A fax machine? Right, like I'd have a fax machine.

A sponge or a scouring pad?

About the message last night. I want to kind of come clean really.

Although I'm looking for something more relaxing.

Although, hopefully, your sister... won't.

And oh, dear it's only pastry.

And he's been working on it for a month!

And I do know you get them for free.

And I don't want to get your hopes up cos I must say...

And I was like, "Fuck that shit. "

And it's a guaranteed money making...

And kept everything above board.

And no, we're not impressed!

And of course, the majority of the Wehrmacht had no winter clothing.

And pressing.

And that's all the story of Stalingrad.

And that's never gonna change, right?

And the siege was broken.

And you could take them away...

And you work out who we are by asking questions. It's really funny because...

And you've got weird nuts!

And...

And... it's like a big, lovely club with free money for everyone?

And... she's handing me this heart of holiday pay

And... you haven't told anyone about it?

Anyway, in the end, I got Sophie's number.

Anyway, let's just play.

Anyway...

Are going to find their bird table covered in money pie.

Are you gonna punch me, Mark? Is that what's going to happen?

Are you with me?

Barry.

Because Sophie won't put out.

Because you can't take your husband's shit.

Besides, the move... it's not a whole Sophie uptight situation.

Blimey.

Blimey.

Boo hoo, Johnny and Sally.

But a bit more of a relaxing challenge.

But anyway...

But I'm guessing you didn't invite me to your room just to listen to some tape.

But if I pull out now, that's the deposit gone.

But if you get in early...

But in the heart, it's just...

But in this world, you've got to turn up, log on and grind out.

But listen, Sophie...

But on the song, do you really like it?

But you have got a bloody nice voice

But, you know, there's a limit.

But... You know, I'm not the borough. I wish I was but...

By Christ, you get results.

By suggesting that certain people have cancer.

By the massed Sixth Army.

Bye.

Can you...?

Certainly not the kind of sicko to ruin someone's music career

Challenging. He means, challenging.

Checking the letter box for...

Clearly, it's not a pyramid. It's a pie.

Clicking their fingers to the Lighthouse Family,

Come Friday, you will owe me three months' rent.

Come on in.

Come on, just drop it in, old chap.

Come on, let's go and have a drink. Forget about it.

Considering what? She doesn't have any dress sense?

Cool! Don't do anything I wouldn't do, sis. Ha ha!

Cos it was only a balls up. I ballsed up. And now we're fine.

Cos the truth is you're a posh spaz.

Could you clean a pot or a pan without using a scrubbing brush,

Dang Dong Ning Po Ku.

Did you think I'd invited friends?

Did you, you know, make your move?

Do you like Blackadder? I got the Blackadder set for Christmas.

Doing the spices...

Don't kick my foot!

Don't kick my foot! That's my... Stop it!

Don't think I can't see you trying to get a slice of my action

Dune on DVD, Bakewell slices,

Er, excuse me, mate.

Er, I've done quite a lot, actually.

Er, nothing, just...

Er, Sophie. If you heard that, please ignore it. I'm not a racist.

Er, sorry to bother you.

Er, yeah...

Erm, if we've got to do this, do you mind keeping the hat on?

Everybody said you couldn't market acid jazz to the over 30s,

Everyone needs cleaning products

Everyone writes down someone famous.

Exactly. If it's such a bad thing to do things by the book, there'd be no book.

Except she's head to toe in acupuncture needles.

Excuse me.

Facial spa... You do not have...

Facial spasming.

Far from it.

Feeling better now, are we? Fully recovered?

Four in the afternoon, just me and her.

Fuck off.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Getting their dick sucked by an Alsatian.

Gin, and...

Go home, man!

God, I just called up to say hi and then...

God, there's something Mark...

Good.

Ha! Look out the window. That'll never happen in this old world.

Have you ever tried washing up without using washing up liquid?

Have you forgotten about the phone call yet?

Have you just come from the 1980s?

He broke omertà.

He did do it, but for a nice reason.

He said, "No. " I said, "Are you going to order any in?"

He used to have a limp!

He was quite the find.

He wouldn't give the name for Sal?

He's a faking little pegleg!

He's just so, "Yah, take the A304."

He's probably up to his neck in penny loafers and blue pool tables.

Hey, hey, hey. It's the guys.

Hey, I see you!

Hey, Jez, you're up.

Hey, look, just lay off.

Hey, Mark. I just bumped into your flatmate.

Hey, no! No! Kicking's not...

Hey! Hey, there!

Hi, I'm Barbara. Do you want to walk this way?

Hi, Jeff.

Hi, Mark.

Hi, Mark. Thanks for bringing in Jeremy.

Hi, Sophie.

Hi, Toni. I'm fine. I was just...

Hi... Sophie.

Hmm.

How did...? What does it mean?

How much washing up do you think you could do without any washing up liquid?

How much washing up do you think you could do without washing up liquid?

How's your day going thus far? Have a nice shower or bath?

Huh, huh. Right. Exactly.

I accidentally told him Paula had cancer.

I am very keen to sort you out, so to speak.

I didn't get a chance to tell you the good news.

I do not iron my socks.

I don't expect you'll get very far but by all means have a pop.

I don't like it.

I feel better. Much better.

I guess that's everything. Jeremy, is there anything you'd like to ask?

I guess you're not in the right frame of mind...

I just think you're very, very brave.

I know how they feel. You buy classic but classic keeps changing.

I know it's not really your job but...

I know. I know something funny.

I like you and if you can't handle it, you can just...

I like you.

I made a mistake. You wouldn't give the name of the doctor for Toni's sister.

I make my decisions, I stick by them.

I mean, at least it's not cancer.

I mean, does that look like a pyramid to you?

I mean, for work, in case I need to swap a shift or... That is, if you don't...

I mean, he pretended to have a limp.

I mean, I don't mind. I'd just rather not...

I mean, not formal filing but alphabeti pi cising the videos,

I mean, not quits but, you know...

I mean, not that.

I mean, that's great.

I mean, that's me.

I mean, would...?

I mean, yes! We can see your hairy chest.

I mean, you smell nice not that I've smelt you.

I meant the cancer.

I might wobble because I'm a bit pissed from last night

I noticed that the paper in the photocopier is running a bit low so...

I see you!

I see. I get it.

I suppose you think cancer is just this huge practical joke!

I suppose...

I think maybe it's shit.

I thought I'd better mention it. You don't wanna drop a clanger.

I thought I'd better tell you. Paula, she's...

I thought you liked pork.

I was gonna say but... I just... Sorry.

I was wondering. You're an urban, switched on lady.

I was... running. Were you... running?

I'd want to build on that experience in a professional zone.

I'm basically wanting to meet someone like myself.

I'm just in the cupboard right now.

I'm just really, really, really, really sorry, Jeremy.

I'm making chicken tikka. Plus I've bought us loads of great stuff.

I'm not about to piss all over myself. I'm...

I'm not ready for the kind of thing you're after. The whole...

I'm not some kind of land baron trying to milk his cash cow.

I'm on your side. Every artist needs his patron

I'm pissing... into the big time.

I'm sorry, OK? I'm sorry I humiliated you in front of Toni.

I'm sorry... which cancer?

I'm sure Kerry would be rolling round the floor

I'm trying to protect you from...

I've been thinking, I'm not sure.

I've got a sister. She's a lawyer, actually.

I've got Alpen!

If you're watching TV in your dressing gown, you should put some pants on.

In the way that you do posh spazzy things

Is it Jamie Oliver?

Is that such a crime?

It is literally impossible. I'm just someone's secretary.

It means rewengay.

It means... omertà.

It was a simple lampoon.

It was Dr Ying Fu Yip.

It was pressing...

It's a bit embarrassing but...

It's a damn good company and it'll be the two of us together

It's a form of cancer.

It's a valuable asset. Do you have any experience in this field?

It's good to hear your voice. I know it's only a recording

It's great to know your neighbours, not just for security...

It's just I found Mark laughing at it.

It's just the music. It's really starting to hot up.

It's just...

It's like The Spaceman And King Arthur, but in reverse.

It's not who you know, it's who you blow.

It's ridiculous! What kind of shop doesn't have Alpen?

Jeremy Osbourne?

Jeremy, Mark got it wrong. He thought Paula was ill. She's not, it was a mistake.

Jeremy, sometimes, for a laugh, makes me say things with a bread knife.

Jesus, Mark! Are you OK?

Jesus.

Jez and Mez, the El Dude Brothers.

Knackered. So how was your day?

Later, potater.

Let's call it quits, yeah?

Like a weight has been lifted.

Like tidying up and ironing your socks.

Listen to you, you beautiful, crazy thing.

Listen, Jeremy. You don't understand. Nothing you want will ever happen.

Listen, Sophie, I was wondering if I could get your home number.

Listen, you know Kerry, cancer Kerry?

Look, I know it must be difficult being a kid. Not a lot of schemes.

Look, if this is John and Paul, 1970, then I need money for the equipment.

Look, this is bullshit. We can't just let the Hair Blair Bunch go.

Look, you don't have to... About the phone message,

Look, you're a cockmuncher, OK?

Makes me think of skiing holidays. We always used to go skiing.

Mark, I don't just bang anyone. I'm not some next door fuck jar.

Mark?

Mate, you gotta get some rewengay.

Maybe it was charming.

Maybe somewhere, you can earn a living drinking margaritas through a straw

Maybe you'd better fill this out and fax it over by three.

Maybe. I mean, how long are you planning to... stay in your job?

Me too.

Me too. That's exactly how I feel.

More like doing a crossword than a tracheotomy.

My gran... died of cancer.

No, challenging is right

No, I don't, if that's what you want.

No, I mean, not because...

No, it's not. I never agreed to it being Momma's Kumquat.

No, no, I think I can handle you liking me.

No, no, it's fine.

No, no. She was going to Starbucks to read a book. It's one of her things.

No, see, the early birds

No, that was The English Patient.

No, well, I do.

No, when you've finished, drop your Rizla in the bowl.

No. No, of course not.

No. No, sure. I know the rules.

No. Right.

No. You know, the whole thing, the leukaemia.

Not much. She's got leukaemia.

Now I know how whatshisname felt when he finished the Mona Lisa.

Obviously. Listen, let's talk about something else. Something fun.

Of course not.

Oh, hang on. This isn't enough numbers.

Oh, I don't live here, I'm Toni's sister.

Oh, no, it is enough numbers.

Oh, no, that's not Paula. Paula's my half sister.

Oh, really? I'd love to know in what way I am a posh spaz.

Oh, right.

Oh, right. Fantastic.

Oh, the gloves are off? Perhaps you should know what I think of your music.

Oh, what? Just because he's black?

Oh. A party.

Oh. Er, I'll... Could I do mine again?

Oh. Er, OK.

Oh. The rent.

Oh. You're back. I think it's winding down a bit now, actually, mate.

Oh... See ya.

Oi, mate, er, can I have some of your Coke?

Oi! Look, it's that paedo!

OK, I think I've heard enough.

OK, listen, if God's doing mountains or sky or water, I'll call.

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK. I think it's time for you boys

OK...

OK... Right.

One minute, it's all, "I love ya, man," the next, it's, "Where's that 50 quid?"

Otherwise all this grey office envy sludge will spill out.

Pang Fang Wang

Paula's doing fine! Except her idea of a present is a bunch of CD singles,

Pinot grigio, maybe. Or...

Pint of Guinness, please. No logo on the foam.

Pissing all over yourself.

Plus he was doing it in front of Toni.

Plus I was thinking you know that 30 quid you owe me?

Quelle fuckin' surprise.

Right you are.

Right, exactly. Drinks?

Right, excellent. OK.

Right, here goes.

Right, I'm really sorry. I mean, I thought it would be a good...

Right.

Right.

Right. Good.

Right. Nightmare.

Right. OK.

Sara Lee.

See, by the winter of '42,

She has cancer.

She seems like she'd appreciate a good track.

She's got leukaemia. Sticking a few needles in her face is not gonna fix that.

Sheesh. This is low. This is really low.

Shit is as shit does, my friend.

Shit.

Shit. That's terrible.

Should I be hounded to the ends of the earth just for liking you?

Sitting at marble desks, ties done up to eleven,

So do you think I should give her a call? I probably should.

So I'm glad we cleared the air.

So if I can outline the basic requirements of the role you'll be undertaking.

So is tomorrow at 11 all right?

So where do you live in the building?

So your sister, she looks great considering...

So, er, which Starbucks does she go to?

So, here we are then. Bowl o' Alpen.

So, I see you used to be a nurse.

So... Toni's friends.

Socks, shirt, whatever.

Something funny.

Sometimes they get stuck in there and next thing your phone's cut off.

Sorry I didn't hook up with you and Super Hans...

Sphere. I meant sphere.

Super Hans got a bass loop for our track that is so good

Sure.

Tell me something, Jeremy.

Thanks Third floor?

That guy is one serious power tripper. He was all over my Rizla game.

That he might... but...

That may not sound important but the truth is...

That when he tried turning it off, he physically couldn't do it.

That's it.

That's so Barbara. She's such a racist.

That's terrible. I'm so sorry.

That's the real world. Your hair isn't red. People don't walk on stilts.

That's why I said the song. I like you.

The bloody cancer eating you away.

The first thing to say is that this is definitely not pyramid selling, OK?

The first thing to say is that this is not pyramid selling.

The guy who wrote that,

The name of that Chinese doctor she was raving about. Can you remember?

The old, "Ooh, I've got a clover in me foam.

The Russians couldn't hold on much longer. Many wanted to submit.

The thing is...

The track's shit? Jez, the track's THE shit.

The truth is I suppose...

The truth is...

The whole city was surrounded

The whole industry is run by suits like your mate.

There is a notice about only riding the lift to the first floor.

There you go. See you later.

These products are essential products no one could do without?

They get a slice of the pie but then they look closer

They're all perverts, mate. All in with each other.

Think about it. And have a great day. Yeah?

This is a bit embarrassing, really.

This is like your whole Balearic bullshit, innit?

This'll be ready soon. We can eat it in front of Hitler's Henchmen.

To fuck off now. Hmm?

Tomorrow at 11. Yeah, sure. I'll set the video.

Toni, we're dry. I was thinking someone should run to the offy before it shuts.

Toni. I...

Wang Shong.

We are not the Hair Blair Bunch!

We could take Polaroids of me, you know, all excited

We have to make sure we've ticked all the boxes, so to speak

We know he's the only one with the key to the lock up.

We need a clerical assistant and I've swung you an interview.

We swap, put them on our foreheads,

We're both so relaxed about sex. Last time I was there, we watched a porno.

We're doing great.

We're just gradually sliding into a fuck buddy scenario.

We're not playing for points, mate.

Well, let's have some more truth, shall we?

Well, really, really nice to catch up, Soph. See you tomorrow?

Well, thanks for coming in. We'll be in touch.

Well, that's amazing. That's just really amazing.

Well, that's the fun I don't know anyone!

Well, Toni came round to drop this off.

Well, you're kind of making me say that but...

Well...

Well...

What does that mean? I literally have no idea what that is supposed to mean!

What does your sister do?

What I mean is that the German supply lines were stretched.

What joke is next? "Hey, Jez, your mum's dead!"

What you're doing there is you're drinking an advert, ain't ya, eh, shithead?

What, so, Mr fuckin' Ocean Colour Pants don't get it?

What?

What? Are you serious?

What? Has Mark been talking to you?

What? How did you...?

What? Oh, Jeremy, I'm so sorry.

What's pyramid selling?

What's the big deal? So I didn't give him the number for Dr Tang?

Which leaves her a hell of a lot of leeway!

Who, what, why, and where?

Who's the racist now, Mark?

Whoa. Hold it, cowboy. Rewind. Wash it.

Wicked.

Would you like it if I did have cancer?

Wouldn't filing be a bit of a step down?

Yeah, I suppose it would, actually,

Yeah, I'm taking Paula to listen to my work.

Yeah, it's hard to get that excited about.

Yeah, it's meant to be me and Barbara from Personnel, right?

Yeah, let's get it on... baby.

Yeah, sky!

Yeah, so, er, Jeremy tells me you two watched a porno together.

Yeah, well, at least I don't fancy elves and pixies.

Yeah, well, you know...

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. I've just got this crappy job application.

Yes, Barbara. Yes, there is.

Yes, that's right. I'm up.

You couldn't possibly buy me a couple of bottles of wine?

You do?

You just... You... You're lucky I don't...

You keep your tie done up to eleven

You know how much I respect your music. It's just...

You know they haven't got Alpen at that corner shop?

You know who your friends are when you set fire to Hampton Court maze

You know, I do think you're brave.

You know, I'd be into...

You know, so... See you tomorrow.

You know, the Red Army shot 16,000 of their own men at Stalingrad.

You know...

You may not play by the rules, but...

You were lampooning me.

You'll be responsible for updating and maintaining the filing system.

You're coming to the interview.

You're wasting mine and other people's time, not to mention...

You've probably got a fax machine, right?

Zhukov countered...

'Bastard. ' Oh, yeah, very funny!

'Don't joke. ' 'I'm not. '

'Go on, ask her! ' Sophie, are you...?

'I really should ask her out for lunch. ' Can you hold that?

'Oh, shit. ' Mark would be one of your managers.

'So let's do just a... ' Just in case the song doesn't work out,

'Wedge of ballast, then bed again. ' Barbara pops up. "Is the file ready?"

# So futile... # Wait, this is the best bit.

About the message, we'll talk later, OK? Er, yeah, fine.

And he said he didn't know. That is a bit crap.

And what do you do? I work in the music business.

Answerphone. Ah, you see!

Are you gonna do me in? Don't be ridiculous.

Are you gonna do more work on it? 'How much time has she got? '

Are you OK? What?

Bloody hilarious. What's going on?

Dr J! Good morning, Mark.

Everybody needs a Somethin' Stupid. Sorry?

Fuck buddy? Yeah. A buddy you can fuck.

Fuck off, Clean Shirt. I'm just a man. Can't we just...?

Ha haaa! Paedo.

He was at the garage at the beginning. I know what you meant.

He's obviously not a crackhead but... Uh huh. OK.

Hey, Jez, what's up, man? Super Hans.

Hey, man. Hey, man.

Hey, Mark. Sophie!

Hey, Mark. Liked the cartoon. Oh, I'm so... You did?

Hi there. Look, it's Clean Shirt.

How do you get that shirt so clean? 'Use the power of reason. '

How thick is wall? Depends.

I can't believe you're pyramid selling. Listen, it's not, it's network marketing

I do... sometimes. Well, er...

I don't know if I should. Maybe you should.

I don't know. 'Go on. '

I don't think so. So what you're saying is

I expect Jeremy knows what he means. Yes, right.

I give up. No, don't. Just one... This one's mine.

I hope you're having a good time. Yeah, well...

I just don't. Oh, right. This is it, is it?

I never really... No, sure, forget it. Terrible idea.

I said, can I have... Here.

I thought... You're quite the guy.

I'm just saying I need money... Listen, mate.

I'm only really here because... Obviously you know Mark Corrigan.

I'm sorry? Exactly. And friends and colleagues?

I've seen the charts. Oh, the charts.

If he's doing trees or critters, I won't. All right, let God decide. Ready?

Is that why we haven't got a deal? Course. They're all Marks.

It sounds great, but... Free money for everyone.

It was the behaviour of an oddball. No, not an oddball. A maverick.

It's a unique business opportunity. It's pyramid selling.

It's just a thing I have. What thing?

It's just... Don't worry, you'll get your milk.

It's not pyramid selling, Mark. It is.

It's paedo! 'OK, you want some, do you?

Jeremy, have you worked out your...? Don't even go there.

Jesus! I've really fucked it. Have I fucked it?

Jez, can I have a word? Yeah, I'm going, the coast is clear.

Jez. What's going...?

Look, he's a paedo! Paedo!

Look, should you be doing that? Probably not. But, you know, fuck it.

Me, my mum, my sister. Wicked.

Morning, Mark. Hey, Sophie.

No logo? You don't buy into that, do ya?

No, it's just one of those things. Is it? It is?

No, Jeremy. Where's this...?

No? No.

No. I said, "Have you got any Alpen?"

No. Right.

Oh, fuck! Oh, my God.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. 'Calm down. She's not Pontius Pilate. '

Oh, you know, as long as I last. Right.

Oh! What's the matter?

Oh... yeah? He kept talking about washing up.

On the other hand... 'How did I get trapped with her?

Race hate? Exactly.

Right behind you. I shouted but... Of course. Stupid... music.

Right. 'Oh, shit.

Right. Blimey, what's God up to?

Right... But the Johnny and Sally Come Latelys,

See you tonight. Yeah, cool. Have a good one.

So anyway, things went rather well I bet he did it.

So what do you think? I dunno.

So you got our track? Er, no.

someone to go to Waitrose with. Yeah, I suppose.

Sorry. We don't have to do anything, Jeremy.

Thank you. Right.

That's my bit of lager! Oh, I get it.

The end of the Hair Blair Bunch. We are not the Hair Blair Bunch.

The Home Secretary, Jeremy. Yeah, right, whatever.

There is no bonfire! Because you keep pissing on it!

These are our neighbours. Neighbours?

This track's a banker. Somethin' Stupid)

Tim Henman? Yeah, how did you...?

Tomorrow. Great. 'Yeah, that's the way.

Uh huh. 'Clerical assistant?

Very funny. Like Jim Carrey. Huh. Yeah, I know what you mean.

We must stop meeting like this. Heh, yeah.

We're popping next door. You're going?

What's funny? It's a fridge magnet. I know but it looks just like a fried egg.

Whatever. Spunk Bubble. Momma's Kumquat.

Why are you talking like this? Very interesting question.

Why don't you...? What did you make of...?

Why? Do I smell? God, no, you don't.

Yeah, I mean, I like it. Great!

Yeah, it's zzzhhhh! In your face. It's just...

Yeah? I need to find out for a friend

Yeah? Yeah, I mean, you can have some.

Yeah. It's OK. Do you really think so?

You didn't tell me about the charts! Are you trying to piss on my bonfire?

you don't have to be embarrassed. I don't?

You think? Listen,

You, too, mate. Bye, mate.

You're doing pyramid selling? Not pyramid selling.

You're in the stationery cupboard. That's right, Jeff.

You're just very lucky. You're an animal.

You're making a fool of yourself. You're pissing on my bonfire!

You're still coming to the interview. Well, I thought...

Your hand! Er, oh.

? And never seems so...?

? And then I go and spoil it all

? And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like

? And though it's just a line to you For me, it's true

? By saying something stupid like I love you

? I can see it in your eyes that you despise the same old lies

? I like you?

? I like you?

? Then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like...

? You heard the night before

...whole company communicates...

'? And then I go and seal the deal

'? By doing something wicked like this cartoon?

'A bloody swastika. That is the single worst single bloody idea ever.

'A longbow beats the crossbow, my idiotic friend. '

'Actually, I hope they do shrivel... '

'Actually, that would be terrible. It would destroy me if she said no. '

'Ah, freedom! '

'Although I can in no way compare my struggle reading it

'and I had a hook to rescue one of them who would I pick? '

'and sit on my... Shit!

'And with a large brush, I'm gonna... '

'Be great if a car just ploughed into the lot of them.

'because he's a crackhead and he does that all the time.

'Big Suze?

'Blown it with Sophie. Who's next?

'Brown for first course, white for pudding.

'Brown is savoury, white's the treat. '

'But I'm busting my creative balls here, day in, day out.

'But of my face.

'But that sword. What if she was a hobbit slayer?

'Calm, honest and mature. '

'Clean Shirt? Isn't that good? '

'Come on, come on, piss off. I want to go to the shop.

'Come on, go crazy! You're hungry like the wolf. '

'Do women wear socks? Well, yes, sometimes is the answer to that.

'Do you want a taste of my steel? '

'Does he mind? Maybe nobody minds about things as much as me. '

'Don't boast. '

'Don't go on about it. Jesus. '

'Enter the pit of Sarlak, little crisps.

'Every night... Ah, it always comes out eventually. Fuck it. '

'Everything's OK in the cupboard. I'm safe in the cupboard. '

'Feel it. '

'Fuck buddy number two.

'Fuck the inevitable backlash!

'Get your tanks off my lawn, Jeremy. '

'God, that sounded amazing! Don't accidentally get the bugger. '

'Gonna need to waggle eventually to keep the circulation going. '

'Got to get the same bus home. Don't go. Almost there.

'Great idea, Mark. Humiliate your best mate just to...

'Great. Wait for the crumbs to fall while my nuts slowly shrivel.

'Ha! What an idiotic boob. He's out, I'm in.

'He just does not give one solitary shit. '

'He looks like crap. '

'He was really under the cosh.

'He'll be able to pay off the Blockbusters fine,

'Heh heh heh. I am in here!

'Heh heh. Twot. '

'Heh heh. Yeah, this is it. Paula's gonna love this.

'Here we go. Operation Come Over Like An Unemployable Freak. '

'Hold on... I think I've struck the motherload! '

'Hope she gets out the bong, not the cafetiere. '

'I bet Mark's got some porn here somewhere. '

'I bet Zhukov would've got booze. Oh. '

'I can have a relationship with someone that scares me. Look at me and Dad. '

'I can't be a clerical assistant. I'm a musician.

'I don't want to go to Waitrose, I want a fuck buddy. '

'I have the power of the brain the most erotic muscle.

'I mean, a swastika!

'I mean, what's the worst that could happen? She could say no. '

'I should be able to walk out of my own door. What's wrong with me?

'I should forget it, leave her to him. Concentrate on the long game.

'I think it's retreating. '

'I want the Rhineland. It's going to be 1919 all over again.

'I wish I was her fuck buddy next door, we'd do it through the wall. '

'I wonder what kind of socks Sophie wears.

'I wonder what Sophie's flirty cartoon will be today? '

'I'd just use my enchanted amulet.

'I'd love to bang her.

'I'll come to the interview, all right, but I won't be getting the job. '

'I'm a dirty hobbit and she's a sexy elf

'I'm almost definitely a musical genius. '

'I'm Di, she's Bashir. '

'I'm giving her a love heart.

'I'm going to the party and I'll get her in the end.

'I'm the one who's laughing because I love brown toast. '

'I'm the tank commander now, Barry. '

'If I laugh at everything she says, I'll at least get a suck job. '

'it has been a very big read. '

'It's a bit like the crusher in Star Wars but red hot.

'It's bloody mental. '

'It's gone. It's happened.

'It's gonna shut as well. '

'Jesus! This is the worst thing to happen to anyone ever and...

'Jesus. Maybe this is his porn. '

'Just buckle down, do your time, like Leslie Grantham. '

'Just run the gauntlet. The little bastards will...

'Just work out her... I could say Jeremy had a gun and made me sing it

'Knickers, she's not on. '

'Let's die together. '

'Let's strap on the nosebag and eat some serious work. '

'Lf I can just... hold it in.

'Loves the Nazis. Yeah, crazy love.

'Makes a man look scary, like a chicken. '

'Mark's got no conception. He thinks I'm so...

'Mark's playing my track! He can't get enough of that shit. '

'Maybe a tattoo on my chest.

'Maybe if we hit a bump I can slip it out.

'Maybe she did find it charming. Yeah, maybe.

'Me and Toni, Toni and me.

'Mind you, at least he had a girlfriend. OK, enough mooning.

'Mm, not bad.

'Must be careful. Don't want the job or to piss off the land baron. '

'Must keep an eye on him if he gets it. JLB doesn't need a maverick. '

'My natural bloody charm's only swinging it. Got to do something. '

'Nazi love. I'm a nutter! '

'Need a poo, got to have loo paper.

'Never met her. Not necessarily a disadvantage.

'Next time I have breakfast, he'll make me sit a fucking exam. '

'No discernible romantic overtones.

'No, but it's all, "Where's the money? Where's my rent?

'No, no, it's not good. It's terrible.

'No, too late. Already it's too late.

'Not horrible, just... "Jeremy, could you file this for me?

'Now, calm.

'Now, what's my shtick? Yeah... '

'Of course, she's giving you the book off.

'Of course, she's ignoring me. I sent her a swastika.

'Oh, God, I hope she doesn't mind about my balls. '

'Oh, no, shit, she's... I should say.

'Oh, potater. What have I become? '

'Oh, shit. Relax, relax, it's OK.

'Oh, shit. Shit! Fuck off. Why don't you fuck the fuck off?

'Oh, too late. They're bonding. '

'Oh, yeah, do what Jeremy would do. Thanks, Jeremy. You tit. '

'Oh, yeah. Great idea, Adolf. '

'Oh, yeah...

'OK, Mark, you asked for it, now you've got it.

'OK, pen, let's flirt with Sophie... '

'OK, where's today's cartoon? '

'OK. It's OK, Mark. Later.

'One step out of line. The slightest hint of maverick behaviour and you're out. '

'Or keep shtoom, ride it out.

'People like him should wear stickers. Their cars have them.

'Pixie ears.

'plus I'll be able to order him around.

'Relax, Mark. You're not Hitler in his bunker.

'She's actually writing it. '

'She's ignoring me.

'She's looking for a fuck buddy. Change gears, sauce things up. '

'She's on there. '

'She's the most boring person here.

'Shit, piss, poo, pants, bollocks. Yes, blitzkrieg! I'm in the Ardennes!

'Shit, what's she talking about? Nod. Look serious.

'Shit. Of Course. "It's who you blow. "'

'Shit. Oh, shit. '

'Sis... Sister! Shit! '

'so she might be...

'So Toni scares me.

'Socks before or after trousers, but never socks before pants that's the rule.

'Sophie is Poland manageable, won't put up too much of a fight.

'Sophie's the one.

'Super Hans said he'll be here in 20 minutes. Means I've got an hour.

'Swastika love.

'That is very gay. That's what that is.

'That was embarrassing.

'That's been established, that's a given.

'That's the opposite of what I'm looking for. '

'That's what you get for trying to flirt. '

'The coast is clear! '

'The following names were presented to us by temping agencies. '

'the Japanese people who mean so much to me.

'The second front. I can win on the second front.

'There he is. '

'They look great. They might be talking about making a porno. I'll do the music. '

'They'll trap me and their brothers will hack me to... '

'Think "crazy horse", think "in your face". What would Jeremy do?

'Think charming, considerate. '

'This Grammy goes out to my homeboys in Compton,

'This is fucking wicked.

'This is perfect. I'm gonna be the knight on horseback

'Those kids have no idea whatsoever of what went on at Stalingrad.

'Tight fisted cock muncher. '

'Toni is Russia vast, mysterious, unconquerable.

'Twisted broken bones. '

'Very Iggy. '

'Well, fuck you if you're not doing small talk. I'm not helping.

'Well, that was a fucking disaster. I want reparations brutal reparations!

'What are you doing? What about the poo? '

'What if Mum and Dad were trapped in one

'What kind? Blood? Bone? Knee? Face? '

'What the hell is that?

'When his kooky charm starts to cloy, I'll be there.

'Where is she?

'Why didn't we play Othello?

'Why don't I ever get this fucking thing fixed?!

'Why should I? We had something going when we were laughing at Jeremy. '

'with an armful of booze and enough nachos to feed the Mexican army.

'with that of the Red Army,

'Women don't want your hand under their bottoms, Mark.

'Work on a six pack by Christmas, then...

'Work shy freeloader. '

'Yeah, perfect plan. "I want to fax this off. Oh, Toni, I feel tired. "

'Yeah, take that, big Suze.

'Yeah, that sounds great me in my crack house. You can be a crack bitch

'Yeah, that's it.

'Yeah. Double me!

'Yeah. Yield to me, hobbit slayer.

'Yes, that's... good.

'Yes. I am the lord of the bus, said he.

'You bastard. '

'You can't catch cancer. I'd have heard. Someone would've said. '

'You can't touch me in the Ardennes, concealed in the cupboard.

'You will touch my magic cock. '

'You wouldn't ask the Chemical Brothers to do your laundry. '

'You're a sunshine coach, bringing a last smile to... '

'You're not a paedo, you're just a normal man walking past some simple children. '

'You're not a paedo. You're definitely not a paedo. '

'Your toilet seat regime is over.

"'Fantasy Figure Modeller. "

"'Jeremy, could you suck this for me... " Jesus! Where did that come from? '

"'Jeremy, could you take that for me?

"'Let's just both lie down on your bed. "

"'No, you don't like the attack dog, do you, Mr Keats?"

"'Not a fuck jar". Don't dwell. No need to dwell.

"'Of course it was, now get in with the nonces. " What a disaster. '

"'Ohh! You dirty hobbit. Take off my bodkin and my jerkin. "

"'She sat on it, officer, it was an accident. "

"'The rent, Mr Jim Morrison? Mr Keats?"

"I'm so important. " No.

# Ah, yeah!

# And did those feet in ancient times

# And it's dangerous

# Feel it, yeah#

# Feel it! # Walk upon England's pastures green

# God save our gracious que... #

# Keep away from it... #

# Ohhh!

# Rah! # Outrageous

# So futile... #

# This is contagious Yeah?

# This is contagious!#

# This is outrageous

# This is outrageous!

# Uh! Uh! Eeh! Oh!

# Waaaaaaaaaah!#

#... dangerous!#