Ted Lasso (2020) - Season 1 Edit

A couple more glasses for our friends here. Thank you, Mae.

A love triangle.

About y'all's feelings.

Actually, Ted.

All I think about is Jamie fucking Tartt.

All right now.

All right. So, athletic wear then, yeah?

All righty. See the Milk sisters anywhere?

All them fellas that used to belittle me, not a single one of them were curious.

Always murder podcasts.

And all of a sudden it hits me.

And ask me how I think you're doing, I will tell them.

And did she have fun?

And every week, when they shove a camera in my face

And for years, I never understood why. It used to really bother me.

And I am trying to be more honest.

And I don't like people hearing my noises.

And I realized that their underestimating me...

And I saw this quote by Walt Whitman and it was painted on the wall there.

And I think we all agree, two great tastes that go great together, right?

And I've got him stuck right in here.

And in the 89th minute they let me take a free kick.

And it was not a shit kiss. I was on fire.

And look, I got no judgment on people that have one night stands, okay?

And none of that Sour Patch bullshit either, yeah?

And she needed to talk about it and blow off some steam.

And smoosh it in between the biscuits like it's a little breakfast sandwich

And talk to them during a performance.

And that's a record by about five hours.

And that's not okay!

And then I'm gonna order a huge breakfast on your tab.

And then somewhere in between there, getting a divorce.

And then they get mad when you start trying to shout out

And then we had crepes in Balham with some drag queens.

And they always feel empty. Well, not the first part.

And what's mine... well, that'll stay mine 'cause I've learned from you.

And you haven't sent me some, like, weird sex emoji.

Anyway, the point is, I'm trying to do this differently.

Are you dating other people?

At least not while Rebecca's still in charge.

Attaboy, Nate. Diamond Dogs it is.

Barbecue sauce.

Before I purchased a football club.

Before I purchased a football club.

Better manners when I'm holding a dart.

Bit of bad news.

Boy, I'd love to curl up on a couch under a weighted blanket,

But dang it, fellas, you're still not getting it!

But every time I think about her,

But I don't want to sleep with them.

But I need you to be okay with this.

But I never thought she would fuck over an entire team.

But I will make your life just that little bit worse.

But I'm just following my gut here.

But I'm saying this to you now. Stop it.

But if I win, you can't go anywhere near the owner's box,

But Keeley's got her own romantic and sexual history that predates Roy.

But Rebecca, Man City will snap those up.

But then I don't wanna talk about it ever again, okay?

But then one day, I was driving my little boy to school

But they were nice enough to sell their minority share to Bex here.

But we're actually here to meet with the Milk sisters.

But you never told me what you were too busy with.

But you, you saw an even greater Jamie inside an already great Jamie.

But, in my defense, it rarely does.

But, well, when we're married, what's hers will be mine

But, you know, you don't need to rush out or anything.

By not trying for sex?

Can I take you out tonight? Please?

Can't hear you!

Changing into her swimsuit" dodecahedron.

Coach, did you have fun?

Coach, did you have fun?

Coach, you wanna bring this home?

Coach! Over here.

Coach.

Come on, Coach. I don't like all that kiss and tell stuff.

Come on, let it rip.

Come on, Roy.

Come on. I'm cooking for you.

Cool.

Cool. All right. I'll see you around, yeah?

Could you please elaborate on the hip movement

Do I have to?

Do you wanna go get one with me when you're done?

Do you wanna have a drink with me?

Does it actually?

Does my face look like it's in the mood for shape based jokes?

Don't deny it or pretend that you don't know.

Don't let her past muck around with y'all's future, okay?

Don't you fret, my fine furry fella.

Done and doner.

Drinks are on me!

Efficient. Do you want to see a movie later?

Either you come clean to Ted or I'll do it for you.

Especially since Bex and I are gonna be sitting with you

Ever since I was little,

Every Sunday afternoon at a sports bar with my father,

Every week in that owner's box.

Everyone! Drinks with us. It's on me.

Exactly. And I always end up with my watch being stolen

Excuse me?

Fellas, I could watch you do this jaunty North Korean military thing

For example, may I take this?

For I am rounding up the Diamond Dogs.

Friends, Richmonds, countrymen.

From age ten till I was 16, when he passed away."

Fuck yeah, the Gershwins.

Fucking pussy.

Gail, you think the royal family are lizards, right?

Go on then. You go.

Good eye.

Good luck.

Good morning, sunshine.

Got up too fast.

Grow up and get over it.

He is. Yeah.

He looks like a beautiful angel man.

He means the opposite.

He said you hired him.

He's doing it again.

He's lying.

He's right.

Hello, mon cher.

Here you go, Rupert. Anything else?

Here. It's pictures of our first date.

Hey, Captain.

Hey, Coach.

Hey, I wonder if they've ever seen the movie Bridget Jones's Dairy.

Hey, I'll be your Underhills anytime.

Hey, you.

Hey!

Hey! There it is.

Hey. Congratulations.

Hey. Football is life, Capitán.

Hey. Good morning.

Hi, Roy.

Hi, Ted.

Hi!

Hi.

Holy shit, that felt good.

Hour or two.

How about a game?

How about this? If you win,

How many of you fellas ever seen Sesame Street?

How much of the club they own?

I also got you a little box of chocolate truffles.

I always thought I'd finish paying off my student loans

I always thought I'd finish paying off my student loans

I always used to dream about sitting down with a bunch of mates

I asked you if you wanted to go get coffee with me yesterday

I believe some folks call it white knighting,

I can't control my feelings.

I could really use a bucket of coffee to nurse this hangover.

I dated a lot of girls, right?

I didn't know what you wanted, and I knew exactly what he wanted.

I didn't think you were into me.

I didn't want to miss the bus, so I just slept in here.

I do yoga with a group of women in their 60s.

I don't know if I can get you paid for that though, Dani.

I don't understand the problem.

I don't wanna give him the satisfaction.

I don't want to make jokes about it.

I don't want you giving me any knowing glances.

I forgot I had these on me.

I forgot I'm left handed.

I fucked up, Roy. I'm really sorry.

I got you a coffee.

I got you a late checkout.

I had ten touches, I had two completed dribbles,

I have a meeting later with two minority owners of the club.

I have had a million one night stands.

I know exactly what to do here, though.

I know how this goes.

I know I'm not allowed an ownership stake in the club,

I know she's always been a bit randy,

I know that you wanna take this slow and I really do respect that, but it

I like that.

I like to give away joy for free.

I love Air Jordans.

I love it when Coach does sarcasm.

I mean last night.

I mean, barely. It's very close.

I mean, if you are, you know, nuts for butts, have at it. That's what I say.

I mean, it'd break my heart if I found out she was hiding something from me.

I mean, Keeley's just so kind.

I mean, maybe I just haven't really come to peace with the fact

I mean, the press deserves to know.

I need to ask you something.

I never knew that.

I quit.

I scored. Got half a chub.

I shall be putting Obisanya back on defense where he belongs.

I should have told you that. I apologize.

I should've been braver, and I'm sorry for that. I am.

I slept with Rebecca's friend Sassy.

I think the idea of you and Keeley is like cookies and cream.

I think you should know that I slept with Jamie.

I thought this room was haunted.

I thought we were friends.

I thought you were supposed to be in Manchester.

I want it to sound like we just won the FA Cup.

I'd fuck a pair of Jordans.

I'll let you pick the starting lineup of the last two games of the season.

I'm a grown man. I'm not a baby child.

I'm done being mad about Jamie.

I'm gonna be an udder gentleman, okay?

I'm gonna go back to sleep,

I'm gonna kiss you now.

I'm gonna round that down to two. Then I can call those gals the "2% Milks."

I'm into issue oriented products.

I'm more of a, you know, cornhole man myself. Yeah.

I'm not going every week.

I'm over it.

I'm over it.

I'm sick of it.

I'm trying again. No help.

If you do want to be there for me,

If you let me know what you're into.

If you really believe in the product.

In a matter of minutes, your relationship dilemma will be in the past.

In my experience, I've always found that endorsements work best

Is now a good time?

Is that grunt all I get to go on?

Isaac, what about you?

It said, "Be curious, not judgmental."

It was yoga, okay?

It'll be relentless.

It'll hurt our chances. We're on the brink of relegation.

It's gonna be fun. All right. I'll leave you be. See ya now.

It's just a group of people who care, Roy.

It's nice to see you again.

It's okay if you are. It's just that I wanna know so that I don't look stupid.

It's twice a week and it's really good for my core.

It's weird.

Just do it, Higgins.

Just do it, Higgins.

Just let me finish, yeah?

Just let me know if I'm winning or losing, all right?

Keeley Jones, The Independent Woman insert on Sunday.

Keeley Jones, The Independent Woman Magazine.

Keeley Jones, The Independent Woman Online Edition.

Keep your Big Ben in your pants.

Last night was crazy.

Last night was fun.

Last night, I...

Leave you wittering on, and slip out and do anything else.

Let me think. I know. How about the "EQ Warriors"?

Like I said, it's private.

Listen, I'm a professional footballer.

Look, me and Keeley might be starting up a thing,

Look, Roy, all this Chandler Bing ing aside, do me a favor.

Mae, as always.

Mae. What do I need to win?

Maybe I could just touch your arse a little bit or you could touch mine

Metaphorically speaking. Okay?

Morning, boss.

Mr. Kent!

My ex wife's the one who brought the hillbilly to our shores.

Nah.

Nah. Sounds like a brand of jockstrap.

No, I just make it feel like it does with my hips.

No, no. Lasso could have stopped it, but he didn't. Yeah.

No, not that. Okay.

No, Roy, it does not.

No.

No. I No.

No. Just Rolos, yeah?

No. No, I just... wanted to talk.

No. We sorted that.

Normally only takes an hour, but Maureen's been going through a divorce

Not today. I can't. I'm busy.

Not unlike folks at a hip hop concert whose hands are not in the air.

Now here's what we're gonna do.

Now, now, it's not all Ted's fault.

Now, you don't just get biscuits today.

Obviously, she needed a little financial aid from yours truly.

Of being terribly dull and yet, they never shut up.

Of course my dad's a little racist.

Oh, and also Air Jordans.

Oh, God. They're gonna adore you.

Oh, my God, this was a horrible idea. Seriously, please go home.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no. Did they expire?

Oh, yeah. Five stars. Certified fresh.

Oh, you fucker. Don't do this to me.

Oh, you know, fuck off!

Oi! Out.

Oi. Come on. Lasso didn't dump you. Man City wanted you back.

Okay, here's another question for y'all. Should I tell Rebecca?

Okay, look. I'm gonna tell you something

Okay, so this is about you and Keeley, right?

Okay, then.

Okay, this is my fucking nightmare.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Here it comes, here it comes. Let's go.

Okay. So, then what's the problem?

Okay. Well... I'll see you around, I guess.

Once you've figured out how to speak again?

One hundred and eighty!

Or a story in the press about how my penis has a curve in it.

Or what?

Our club's nightmare is over now. I'm back.

Our home stadium will be a sea of sky blue.

Perfect. I can just introduce you all,

Please join me.

Please.

Pretty cool Premier League gaffer knows our names.

Questions like, "Have you played a lot of darts, Ted?"

Rebecca, Rebecca. Rebecca, Rebecca.

Rebecca, Ted, enjoy your evening.

Rebecca's letting me use this room as my office

Release them to the visitors.

Richmond! Richmond! Richmond!

Richmond! Richmond! Richmond! Richmond!

Right, no more questions. We'll see you on the pitch.

Right, yeah. It was pretty sloppy.

Right.

Right. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave,

Right. So, if she hits the board,

Right. The product you'd most like to get into business with is joy?

Right. Would you mind saying that to the rest of the room?

Rolos.

Roy and I found it on a paparazzi camera card.

Rupert, what are you doing here?

Rupert, what are you doing here?

Second place of course is the "I just walked in on my mother in law

See what we got here.

Shall I be giving you the lineup card now, Ted?

She slept with him last night.

Shout out to the Gershwin brothers right there.

Shut your stupid little twat mouth or I will shut it for you.

Sí. Mucho, mucho joy.

So I get back in my car and I'm driving to work,

So if they need to use the room, I can just shove everything into it.

So Rupert could have sex in our house?

So that's how you get sex?

So they judged everything, and they judged everyone.

So you better join us for a drink.

So you fucked him to get back at me for something I didn't even know I did.

So you thought you'd bring your half chub over here then, right?

So, I can find good opportunities for you guys

So, Rebecca, it's time to be friends again.

So, Rupert, y'all take your darts over here pretty seriously, huh?

So, sweets and chocolate then?

So, the other day when you said you were too busy to text me back...

So, why should I trust this sudden change of heart?

So, yeah, I...

So... thank you for that.

Something on your mind?

Sometimes that is exactly how it works.

Sorry, I'm gonna vomit. Sorry.

Sorry, that's not my breast milk pun. I can do better.

Sounds to me like someone's trapped inside life's most complicated shape.

Stop. He's in his 60s and he's from South London.

Sure, Roy here has slept with a bunch of different people in his past.

Talking about the complex dynamics between men and women.

Ted embarrassed the hell out of Rupert yesterday.

Ted, can I be honest with you?

Ted.

Tell you what, I gotta get you all some satin jackets made,

Thank God.

Thank God. 'Cause Ted Lasso sucks.

Thank you for your invitation,

Thank you.

Thank you.

That I went from having a mental breakdown at a karaoke joint in Liverpool

That kind of thing.

That makes your penis feel like it has a curve in it?

That sounds like a brand of cookies?

That was fun. Yeah.

That'll kill Rupert.

That'll kill Rupert.

That's a clunky name. There's gotta be something better here.

That's a little dramatic, Sam, but I see how you got there

That's a little rich for my blood.

That's a pro move right there. Yeah.

That's exactly what I said, didn't I?

That's good.

That's okay. I'll give it a shot here. Let's see.

That's very thoughtful of you.

That's what I'm talking about. Yeah! Yeah!

The "Knights of Support"?

The "Proud Boys"?

The Diamond Dogs have struck again.

The little squirrel. I never understood that one.

The Milk sisters.

The most horrible human cocktail

The prince prick of all pricks.

There she is.

There you are.

They do all these emotional things, make you feel all these emotional ways.

They have no idea who I am,

They thought they had everything all figured out.

They won't be coming now.

Think of me as your own personal metaphorical Saint Bernard.

This and... what's the billiard game y'all do

This is gonna be a hoot.

Three lagers, please, Mae. They're free. We want the boots.

Time to get you some of these.

To avail yourself to the metaphorical bourbon hanging around my neck.

To Richmond!

To Rupert!

To which I would've answered, "Yes, sir.

To, you know, sleeping with a woman I just met.

Twenty three. So young.

Two triple 20s and a bull's eye.

Unless by "drink" you mean...

Unless it's gonna make you run away again.

Until she sets me up with somewhere proper. That's why I have this.

Wait. What am I doing? This is my fucking room.

Watch You've Got Mail and devour a box of Snookers.

We all ended up at G A Y till 2:00 a.m.

We came to celebrate.

We could, you know, maybe wager, say, £10,000?

We felt it, she felt it!

We have ten thousand unsold seats for the final match of the season.

We just had a five hour bus ride where you didn't talk a lick,

We played West Ham, so I'm in town.

We'll die for you, Coach!

Well in, Rupert. Get in!

Well, as my doctor told me when I got addicted to fettuccine Alfredo,

Well, he's holding a little nut, isn't he?

Well, I am.

Well, that's a great start from you guys. Thank you.

Well, then by all means you should let them control you.

Well, why don't you just come and tell me how you feel about it

What about the "Diamond Dogs"?

What about the kiss? You took off like it was a shit kiss,

What are you doing?

What did you do wrong?

What the hell are you doing?

What you should do is take one of them truffles

What, scissors?

What?

What's all this?

What's she listening to?

Whatever you say, Rupe a dupes. Yeah.

Where were these morals when you were having lunches with me

Where would you take me if I did say yes?

Where's your manners?

Who I was had nothing to do with it.

Who the fuck are the Diamond Dogs?

With "Ted Lasso's Personal Dilemma Squad" embroidered on the back there.

With me invoking the military and all.

Would you please repeat what you just said?

Wow.

Y'all stuck the landing on that. That was nice.

Yeah, 'cause I was busy.

Yeah, 'cause it was private.

Yeah, 'cause it's confusing.

Yeah, I'm good.

Yeah, that movement's making me feel queasy.

Yeah, that's good. Straighten up. All right.

Yeah, there you go. You got it.

Yeah, woman with the fucking eyes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on one sec. Let me get in my spot.

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah.

Yeah. And hey, I wanna thank you again for being there for me up in Liverpool.

Yeah. Come in. How you doing?

Yeah. Join us for a drink.

Yeah. To cut yourself some slack.

Yeah. Wait a second.

Yeah. Woman with the hair.

Yeah. You can come in. She can't hear anything with those in.

Yeah. You.

Yes, I am aware of that.

Yes, I am into her. But we all know who her ex boyfriend is.

Yes.

You also taught me to try to not get in me own way so much.

You are a very lovely consolation prize.

You are as delicious as ever. From your West End to your Marble Arch.

You are thinking about buying your first house.

You arranged for the photographer to take this.

You been up long?

You do all day, but I need a favor.

You don't need to be dealing with a metaphorical avalanche

You got a coupon for life, young lady. Yeah. I got your back.

You had every opportunity to do the right thing and you never did.

You hated all of that.

You just realized your dad might be a little racist.

You know, everything happened so fast when Lasso dumped me.

You know, pro environment or anti pollution.

You know, Rupert, guys have underestimated me my entire life.

You know, this is the first time you've been over to this house

You know, to be liked by someone like her must be... 's wonderful.

You know?

You know? I guess three hours total.

You made me cultured. Took me to plays and shit.

You okay?

You seem intent on going 12 rounds with yourself. Why?

You sure?

You wanna leave?

You want me to go skim the back room?

You won't take away your pain by constantly punishing Rupert.

You, Jeremy, and Paul have been refreshingly candid

You'll come back, grovel for your job, and I'll take you back,

You're all pricks.

You're engaged?

You're right. I deserve to carry that around. I do.

You're supposed to ask before you take something.

You're welcome, Jamie.

Yup.

Yup. That's exactly what I did.

Z man, Dani.

2.9%.

All right, thanks, Dani. You're welcome.

And this is Ted. Howdy.

and you said you were busy. I was busy.

But when it's all done, I feel like Like shit.

Coach. Yeah?

Come on. It's gonna be fun. Stop.

Come on. It's gonna be fun. Stop.

Dinner. Yeah, that sounds great.

Do you like darts, Ted? They're okay.

Don't make me regret this, Ted. Don't worry, don't worry.

Good game, Rupert. Come on, let's go.

Good morning, Higgins. Good morning. One sec.

Have you already slept together? No.

Have you got to go? Yeah.

I agree. So what is your fucking problem, Roy?

I don't know why we're bragging about it. Neither do I.

I don't know. Coffee? Can't do any better?

I know, right? Shut up, you twats.

I mean, are you two officially dating? No.

I'd love to get your perspective on it. No.

It was nothing, Ted. No, no. It was something.

It's okay. No. Ted.

Like the eggplant or the squirting water. Or the little squirrel.

No offense, Ted. All good, Baz.

No, at first they're wicked. They're fucking great.

No. Come on now. Why not?

No. Well, I'm fucking taking it.

Okay. Double in, double out.

Okay. I'm serious.

Only one thing left to do now. What's that?

Saw this coming. Nothing like the early days of courtship.

Snooker? That's it. That's the one, yup.

So have I. Great.

So where are we going for dinner? It's a surprise.

Something on your mind, Coach? No, why?

Thank you. Yeah.

Want to talk about it? I'd love to. Yeah. Immediately.

Well, it makes sense to me. I must say that this is lovely.

What do you think? You're on.

What the fuck is wrong with you? What?

What's happening? You having a meeting? Yep. I'm having lady problems.

Yeah. Hi. Keeley Jones, The Independent Woman.

Yeah. Perfect analogy.

Yeah. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Okay. Okay.

You never texted me back last night. Yeah. I was busy.

'Cause I like you more than I hate him.

'Cause if they were curious, they would've asked questions.

'cause she's about to go to town on my hamstrings and I make a lot of noises,

'Cause, look, it's just not something I've ever done before, okay?