Ted (2012) Soundboard Edit

A couple of charles brew kowskis

A cushy $38000 a year branch manager who's personal friends with tom skerritt

A hundred bucks says he's showing her the diving team photo

A little heavy on the eye makeup but pretty good

A professional nfl player is called upon to save the world

A young boy's stuffed animal has magically come to life for as yet unknown reasons

Actually could you wrap just this up for me I want to scare the shit out of somebody sure

Actually you weren't so bad for a guy with no penis

Ah! you suck kareem

All I ever wanted was you john bennett

All I ever wanted was you, John Bennett.

All I want is I just want to end on good terms I owe that to you

All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two had no intention to do

All right brandi heather channing breanna amber sabrina melody dakota sierra bambi crystal samantha autumn ruby taylor tara tami

All right buddy go get 'em

All right easy come on ted

All right fuck it

All right here we go

All right here's your keys your rental agreement complimentary map of boston

All right I get it and you know I don't blame you

All right I love you

All right i'm just saying

All right kareem!

All right kid you win we'll do it your way what do you want to do you want to play a game it's playtime right we'll play a game

All right knock it off!

All right look let's just find a better place to get stoned

All right speed round i'm going to rattle off some names and when I hit it fucking buzz it okay you got me

All right this is one man to another

All right whatever you say

All the children were opening their gifts with holiday glee

All you've got to do is not fuck up

An apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles it is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry an absolute death machine

And as one gentleman to another I just want to say I really hope you fucking get lou gehrig's disease

And beat up the ******* kids

And by blaming me you you're just making yourself look like a pussy

And by the way my dancing was not that bad

And don't worry i'll do my very best to get this job that I so crave

And don't worry, I'll do my very best

And for little john bennett christmas day brought a very special new arrival

And for little John Bennett,

And he knew that if he ever found that friend he would never let him go

And he's falling to fucking pieces without you.

And hey all those rich black people can't be wrong right

And I asked my dad if I could have a magical little teddy bear too and he said no

And I guess one of these dogs clamped his jaws on her forearm and wouldn't let go until the fireman showed up and stuck his finger in his ass

And I have rights! (GRUNTS)

And I just hope that maybe we can still be friends

And I just hope that maybe we can still be friends.

And I particularly enjoyed the gift you gave me last night

And I promised myself that if I ever had a son I would never ever ever say no to him ever

And I want you to know that after last night I don't ever want to lose anyone who matters to me ever again

And I was so heartbroken

And I'm ready to change,

And if that means getting you off my back well that's just a bonus

And it was so scary but it was like so much fun

And it's a non restricted place

And jesus be with you in christ

And not only that it's the wrong time it's a terrible idea I mean you got the economy you got the credit bubble the supreme court I mean look at haiti

And so john lori and ted lived happily ever after

And that was a promise that neither one of them ever forgot

And that's the story of how one magical wish forever changed the lives of three very special friends

And the guy down at the store told me

And then he got deported back to iran

And then they practically have to give me the anderson case

And then they're like oh my god! he can deliver he's actually quite a litigator

And then we ran up to it and we tried to give it cpr and it came back to life

And then when we saw it fall from the tree,

And this is for Lori Collins

And unless you're too blind to notice he's not your only friend anymore

And we we ended up hooking up in the back room

And you better never show your face around quincy you hear me

And you don't remember it no same as last time

And you'll see he'll never be scared of thunder again

And you're nasty do you want to get nasty you're a nasty girl

Anybody can come of course **** are welcome well yeah why wouldn't they be

Are there naked dicks in gay porn

Are we still going to smoke that pot?

Are you even listening to me do you give any shred of a shit

Are you going to do it

Are you kidding me

Are you out here all alone uh no no i'm not you know you're never alone when you're with christ so no i'm not alone

As I said you would need a law degree from a law school

As you can see my dance card is quite full so i'm going to have to decline

Asometimes you're crazy

Asshole!

Aw congratulations john

Aw! merry christmas john

Baby I don't know if this is going to work please just try

Baby please ask ted to move out so we can move on with our lives

Baby, I don't know if this is going to work.

Back off susan boyle!

Back off, Susan Boyle!

Baltic czech

Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat right pink floyd

Because I love you

Because in a month my life could be your life

Because of that I just lost the love of my life

Before long teddy had become a huge celebrity in his own right

Besides what if he chose ted

Boom that's me and skerritt

Brandi lynn heather lynn channing tami lynn

Break his arm off!

Break this up break this up get him!

Bring it in, you bastard. Come on

Bullshit! that totally works

But dad

But dad I want the bear on tv

But daddy

But do you think she might be expecting me to make that kind of a move

But he can never fail

But I can give you love and rocking horses and dancing

But i'm talking about a mature relationship lori

But just listen to me for five seconds.

But lori cannot find out she absolutely cannot know I was gone

But Lori cannot find out. She absolutely cannot know I was gone.

But then she got pregnant from this asshole guy and so we couldn't go and I was all upset

But then she had a miscarriage and so we ended up getting to go skydiving

But then we're two of a kind we move as one

But there was one child who wasn't in such good spirits

But through all the fame teddy never forgot his very best friend john

But will you take care of me forever and ever

But you know thank you for creeping up my night

But you know they're hookers so it's fine

But you're no longer eight you're 35 years old

But, they're hookers, so it's fine.

By a very special Justice of the Peace.

By the power vested in me by the new york jets and by the united peoples of the planet mongo I now pronounce you man and wife

Can I just get a hug oh uh no

Can I please just explain no

Can I please just explain? No

Can we talk about this another time and just enjoy our anniversary dinner

Can you call him back no it's blocked

Can you imagine what that little shit would do to me

Can you imagine what that little shit would do to me?

Can you just email me the rest of this story

Candice? No.

Check this out that's me on the high school diving team we dove the shit out of that pool that year

Chill out okay look can we just talk about this what's your name i'm john

Chopped salad half price

Cocaine right

Come here you bastard

Come on buddy

Come on dudes don't tell me you never done it before

Come on I do not sound that much like peter griffin

Come on i'm bored as crap over here just swing by for a bit

Come on it's not that bad

Come on it's not that bad okay I got a shitty job and I assure you I am quite content

Come on james franco

Come on nobody's expecting anybody to propose I mean marriage isn't isn't love enough I submit that love is enough

Come on robert

Come on sam do it! do it!

Come on she'll go home she'll watch bridget jones something asshole she'll have a good cry she'll be fine you'll talk to her tomorrow

Come on take it easy

Come on upstairs

Come on we're going to the hatch shell

Come on, Sam, do it! Do it!

Come share this with me

Company's turning 20 huh so you can bang it but you can't get it drunk right yeah she gets it she enjoys my humor

Couple of brew stoyevskis

Cw!

Dad I want a teddy bear

Dad no!

Daddy gave me an ouch now I have to give you an ouch

Daddy!

Daddy!

Death to ming!

Death to Ming!

Death to ming! yes!

Did you did you just talk

Did you ever hear a boston girl have an orgasm 'oh yeah oh yeah! harder! harder!'

Did you get it no I didn't get it! tell me when you get it!

Did you hurt your head

Did you just call me a whore

Did you really just fart yeah but I pushed it that way with my hand I wonder who it's going to hit first

Do I dare look at the clock

Do I need to wash my hands before I play this game

Do you ever watch a bulls game chicago bulls game in chicago with tom skerritt no no you haven't all right

Do you ever watch this show yeah when leno guest hosts

Do you know what just happened do you have any clue my fucking life just ended!

Do you mind covering for me for a bit I might go lay down in the john

Do you see me fucking with you

Do you want to go get a drink after this I feel like I could use one after seeing a guy almost die

Doing so much more

Don't ever lose her again she's the most important the most important part of your life even more than me

Don't fuck with me on this I know this shit!

Don't know her name. Seems cute

Don't look so surprised you're the one who wished for it aren't you

Don't talk shit to me

Don't tell me! I don't want to hear about it!

Don't! get it away from me!

Donny shut up will ya daddy's making love to new mommy

Donny was arrested by boston police and charged with kidnapping a plush toy

Down here not looking up your towel swear to god not looking up your towel not looking at your funny business

Dude I got 10 minutes where's flash gordon

Dude one man to another I got you on this

Eating potato salad off of Tami Lynn's bare bottom.

Ed thought I was alf and he kept muttering anti semitic comments he thought alf was ******* for some reason

Ed thought I was ALF, and he kept muttering anti Semitic comments

Eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen

Every now and then when my life's getting me down and things are tough I just come up here and I look at it and it reminds me that things aren't so bad

Exactly right good okay

Exactly that's what i'm saying

Excuse me

Excuse me i'm sorry to bother you but my son and I couldn't help but admire your teddy bear

Fine it sure as hell beats crying myself to sleep every night

Fine john but this is I swear to god your last chance

First night on your own

Flash gordon is the symbol of our friendship john

Flash gordon quarterback new york jets

Flash! a ah! he'll save every one of us!

Flash! a ah! savior of the universe!

For like, five days

For that one, true friend that he could call his own.

For the Bruins game tomorrow night.

For what

For what (2)

For you I will

Free bubblegum in the bathrooms?

Fuck I can't! i'm with lori here i'm already on probation I just I can't

Fuck it bring it in come here bring it in you bastard come on

Fuck it fine

Fuck man!

Fuck shit sorry that's the thing from the the old yeah yeah

Fuck that I traded off yesterday so I got the other shift

Fuck you thunder you can suck my dick you can't get me thunder 'cause you're just god's farts

Fuck!

Fuck! (2)

Fuck! shit

Fucking becky no

Fucking cocksucker motherfucker!

Funny how it always goes with love when you don't look you find

Get closer

Get him!