MacGruber - Season 1 Edit

A bit of a loose cannon.

A fucking concrete cell?

A gunshot point blank in the chest?

A helicopter.

A hundred square miles of open desert with zero ground cover.

A known liar who just lied to your face?

A little bitch, piece of fuck, piece of shit.

A little light reading from the Joint Chiefs.

A no calling husbands rule, and now looked what happened!

A piece of fucking titty dick shit.

Abort! Abort!

About losing one of your senses?

About my husband like that anymore.

About the past, but I can't.

About this crazy escape of yours?

Actually served in the military together.

After I kill you, I'm gonna kill your fucking family.

After this is all over, what do you say we fly

After tomorrow morning.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah, this is...

Ah, this will do nicely.

Ah!

Ah!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh! Ahh!

Ain't nothing but a MacG thing.

Alert JSOC we're going to Threatcon Delta.

Alice in the looking glass, forgetting myself,

All borders are secure. Good.

All over your face and cake?

All right, Checkers.

All right, come on, please.

All right, follow this band to the source.

All right, look, I did it all for you

All right, we better get this bad boy

All right?

All right? Is that what you want?

All right.

All right.

All right. Jesus.

All right. All right.

All right. Here. Hand me those wire cutters.

All that matters now is that we take him out,

All the death, all the destruction,

All we wanted was our fair share.

All: [chanting] Throat rip! Throat rip, throat rip!

All: * Whoa oh, whoa oh *

All: * Whoa oh, whoa oh *

Allow me.

Although, I think I might change the wall color.

Always be on the lookout,

Always playing checkers.

Am I right?

Am I sure I want the love of my life to watch me die

An alternate plan to plan A,

An offense which requires your immediate court martial.

An upper necker. Yeah.

And a few times with long term relationships

And a man in a suit comes to deliver me divorce papers?

And again and again and again, 'cause that ain't this

And battle him to the death?

And caged me like a wild animal.

And come put your little rubber ball up inside me?

And destroy it.

And doing that suicide mission for my country,

And drive out the front gate

And dropped off radar.

And electric.

And everything should be different.

And exchanged for a little girl and a fucking dog.

And fight my way through the guy who was watching me.

And for good reason.

And found new love with Barrett.

And fuck you.

And get a Reaper in the air pronto, Major.

And get out here.

And good at what he does.

And good luck with the terrorists.

And guess what.

And guess who put him there?

And guess who's getting a lifetime achievement award?

And he gave me the one thing,

And he really wanted you to have it.

And he RSVP'd, "Yass, queen."

And he would generously finish for the both of us.

And his name rhymes with fuck you ber.

And I am gonna tear you a new butthole!

And I apologize with my whole heart,

And I bought that beautiful locket to house them.

And I cannot wait to tell Queeth about it

And I didn't even fucking care, right?

And I do have a button to press.

And I don't accept your compliment.

And I don't ever have to work again.

And I don't have much time.

And I don't know.

And I don't wanna bury you too.

And I don't want to wait one more second

And I ended up here.

And I had imagined it going horribly.

And I have a desire to have that ball up my butt.

And I joined the Green Berets, Navy SEALs, and Coast Guard

And I just fucking rip out of my restraints

And I just tweaked them a little bit.

And I just wanted to make sure that you knew that.

And I know he's lying, that's win number one.

And I know that every man or woman in this god damn room

And I know you can't see this, but...

And I mean that with every fiber of my being.

And I mean that.

And I mean that.

And I meant that, Barrett.

And I never, ever, ever use protection.

And I planned the whole thing?

And I promise you from the bottom of my heart

And I remember how it feels.

And I RSVP'd, "Yas queen."

And I think you already know what it is.

And I thought why not just keep it simple

And I truly accept your apology.

And I understand why you never came to visit or called.

And I wanna thank Mac for his sacrifice.

And I want you to give that to him

And I will not I'll overlook it.

And I'd like to personally apologize

And I'll blow your fucking hands off

And I'll have mine...

And I'll never work in the military again.

And I'll put 'em together and call you

And I'll take the servants' ballroom.

And I'm gonna make them pay. I promise.

And I'm gonna take it nice and slow

And I'm happy that you've realized that.

And I'm not scared anymore.

And I'm not talking about the morning after pill,

And I'm so happy that you've moved on

And I'm so proud to be your daddy.

And I'm so sorry for letting you down.

And I'm the only one who can do it

And if we don't get that money,

And if you want to win at chess,

And in return, I get a bunch of money and shit.

And is currently fucking some shit dick

And it all could've been avoided.

And it makes you think,

And it was going fucking great.

And it was just dad chunks for days.

And it's a presumptive match to you!

And it's patriotic as shit,

And just know, I don't mind

And last night, I gave them my consent.

And leave your bloody carcass to rot in the noonday sun.

And left Queeth and his men to die

And made it my life's mission to take Queeth down.

And make me kill Irina and probably most of you,

And maybe a couple others,

And maybe, now that I'm looking,

And miss my daughter's birthday.

And most of her sisters, and some of her sons.

And my dad is just like me he doesn't make mistakes.

And my second wife left me to rot in prison

And my song.

And no more getting shot at, and no more risking my life

And not a move from anyone else.

And now I have the thing he desperately needs.

And now people will die.

And now Piper and Vicki have left the mission.

And now Queeth will do anything to get his hands on this stuff,

And now the moment we've all been waiting for.

And now, thanks to you, I'm a convicted felon

And one of them is about to die.

And people are really excited to hear your speech.

And Private Fukk?

And right now, as you can see from this footage,

And see if I can find anything on this flash drive.

And see what sticks.

And she just would not shut up about it.

And shove it down your throat.

And sit down real hard on the seat.

And smell.

And sometimes there's a funny smell,

And spread those wires apart very slowly.

And stop them from getting the one thing they wanted?

And take a major dump down his neck.

And talk shit about that piece of shit brother of yours?

And tell him the story that I just told you

And that is why I have to kill you.

And that is why it is imperative

And that man or woman

And that struck me as strange.

And that's a promise.

And that's how I knew he dealt it.

And that's win number two.

And the future is looking very bright indeed.

And the orders will be shoot to kill.

And the woman they were attached to.

And the worst part about it...

And their leader, Brigadier Commander Enos Queeth,

And then escaped.

And then everyone's gotta go to a bunch of funerals?

And then I just hand to hand combatted him,

And then in court, you got really scared,

And then stabbin' him through the brain.

And then use the remaining bullets

And then use the restroom.

And then you happened to leave a classified dossier at home.

And then, we are in the clear.

And there's actually a story attached to it

And they did

And they have come to play.

And they said it couldn't be done.

And they shouldn't have... Right.

And they're all shooting at the same time.

And this ain't that.

And this definition appears in the S's.

And this one comes all the way from the top.

And threw it in the garbage.

And to all a good...

And to think I trusted you with my heart, and my body...

And tongue dancing with mine...

And trace Barrett's testicles with my tongue,

And trace that telephone call

And try taking it from me? [yelps]

And unless you want that to happen,

And urinated on his corpse.

And Vicki St. Elmo MacGruber Fasoose MacGruber.

And void my bowels into my Wrangler denim jeans?

And we can go get you a brand new set of peepers

And we can only assume

And we need them yesterday.

And we're basing that on information

And what did my country do for me?

And yeah, it's brave, and it's commendable,

And yeah, sure, he's impetuous, brash,

And yeah, this time, it's me.

And yes, that is a dig at the fact

And you always have been.

And you are not my king.

And you both know that. Hmm.

And you dumb pieces of shit had no idea.

And you go get your jumping shoes.

And you know what, unlike you, he actually listens to me.

And you need five for the capsule to take effect.

And you said it back to me a couple days later?

And you want to throw it away on that?

And you'll never guess who was behind it.

And you're seriously asking me to stand down?

And your fucking face.

And your gun.

And your head will suffer the same fate

And your stupid piece of shit daughter.

And, guys, just remember, we need to fly under the radar.

And, look,

And, look, Barrett, he's a good man.

And, Vicki, you're not a housewife.

Answering. Of course not.

Any color you want.

Any of this mean anything to you?

Any other questions on U turns?

Anyway, I just wanted to see you one last time

Anyway, I wanted to apologize again about tonight.

Anyway, so there was this scalpel on a tray

Are we clear? Loud and.

Are you gonna jam it up there or am I?

Are you gonna pull your arms back?

As a protective barrier from the fire.

As complete and utter insubordination.

As I said, I will go first.

As much pain

As soon as I get out of here,

As that vase over there.

As the near recipient

As the state or act of...

As you gave me over the last 11 years.

Ask me to leave, and then hug me with one arm.

At ease, soldier.

At our exact location on a dog dang hunch?

At your, like, 7:00 a.m. Pacific Standard Time.

Ate that shit up like a fucking pot roast.

Aw, she's a cute kid.

Awareness, detection, response.

Back in the day,

Bailey!

Bangers and mash.

Barkeep, put those on the Queeth tab.

Barkeep, two gin martinis.

Base to tip,

Be best. Be best.

Be my guest.

Because bravery begets bravery.

Because I didn't know how to live without you.

Because if you're not on your game,

Because of my fucked up dad.

Because she also has your son inside of her.

Because they remind me that life is precious.

Because you didn't let me do my job!

Becoming at once tiny and giant,

Been in prison so long, I'm a little out of practice.

Before anyone knows we were here.

Before I, uh, went away.

Before Queeth does.

Before we could get a real ID.

Behind one door was a hungry lion

Behind the other door was a pot of gold.

Behind your back.

Being scientific.

Believe in your dreams! Russian goodbye.

Between serving a life sentence

Big company.

Billions dead.

Bingo.

Bleeding to death in the burning hot savannas

Both the S and the H are capitalized.

Bravo Team, you're on your own.

Brigadier Commander Enos Queeth,

Brimstone is fully functional.

Brimstone.

Bring it in.

Brooks & Dunn. Jack and the Box.

Burned him alive with his own flamethrower,

But all that time we spent rotting away in that prison,

But as a husband...

But at the very least, it's a "Mission: Very Hard."

But because of you two, I remember again.

But can you give us anything more specific?

But clearly someone is still behind it!

But eventually they're gonna find someone else

But he also has a major problem with impulse control.

But he didn't get to.

But he stings like a gnat.

But I don't really have a choice now, do I?

But I failed.

But I hope that he puts it in your heart too.

But I think I've heard enough.

But I won't let them yet.

But I'm finally ready, and I just had to tell you.

But I've been scared.

But if I did...

But if it's any consolation,

But if we don't stop Queeth,

But if you love this country as much as you say you do,

But if you must, then Soviet.

But if you somehow figure out who smelt it,

But it does, and you're about to see it.

But it wasn't yesterday, was it?

But it's a hard pass. [flings coin]

But it's also contagious like the clap.

But it's always good to have a plan, I guess.

But it's important enough for me to get an H2 clearance

But like you said, Vicki's a soldier.

But luckily for us,

But me? I play chess.

But my father overplayed his hand.

But my first wife got blown up at the goddamn altar

But next time, it might be you.

But no, the other plan B,

But none of that matters.

But put it in her heart too.

But sadly, Queeth is munching our farts on this one.

But seriously, let's catch up, huh?

But someday, we'll be together again.

But someone is keeping his plan in motion,

But studies show that in 100% of the cases,

But that locket, that's not mine anymore.

But that strike is gonna happen no matter what.

But that was years ago.

But that's how certain I am.

But that's the life we chose.

But the plan is still proceeding.

But the three of us are kind of like a family.

But then again, you and I never were much alike.

But then that friend got kicked out of the military,

But there are some fake ones in there too.

But they controlled everything. Everything.

But they mistook my words as an accusation

But they're really big ones.

But things don't always go as planned, do they?

But this time, it's me.

But thou art not so.

But tomorrow,

But we all know what happens to blank CDs.

But we did it, didn't we, you dead piece of fucking shit?

But we're going for the gold.

But we're gonna need something with a little

But we're offering you a way out here.

But we're running out of time.

But what I do know is in my computer,

But what if I was a tight cannon?

But what Queeth didn't know is that Tiger Company had a mole.

But when my father made full bird colonel in record time,

But why?

But you do.

But you were so young at the time

But, hey, we're getting off track here, bud.

Butts and ribs and pulling out their eyes.

By the full width and breadth of the U.S. military,

By the time they figure out our little trick play,

By the way, thanks for leaving that scalpel right by

By the way...

Came in both of them a bunch of times.

Can cause so much destruction?

Can you believe it?

Can you believe this little panel here

Can't wait to light this dude up

Car is out back. Car?

Carefully.

Change into the outfit I left you,

Checkers sorry, Piper, Piper!

Checkers, Checkers, we're out of ammo!

Checkers, you start in the antiquities hall,

Checkers?

Checksmate. We good here?

Chemical weapon the world has ever known

Chocolate covered strawberries.

Clouds of some sort of orange gas.

Coiled liked two serpents.

Come here. [chuckles]

Come on me.

Come on my face.

Come on my face.

Come on, let's hear all about him.

Come on, Mac. We're on the same team here.

Come on, Vicki! Please!

Come on! Come on!

Command, command

Constantine, bud, on your way to get that music going

Constantine, he's all yours.

Constantine, turned away for a sec

Constantine.

Continue Queeth's evil plan?

Continue.

Corn...

Could be a woman

Could be anyone of us.

Could be you in the suit.

Could that friend ever

Could you pop into the other room and get me a little water,

Daddy, you're my hero.

Damp, verdant...

Dawkins! [whistles]

Dawkins.

Dealt it.

Death is our job.

Depends on the practical aerosolization,

Destroyed my marriage,

Did I get you? Be honest.

Did Queeth beat us to it, or did we beat Queeth?

Did you break my Club?

Did you get to see me shoot MacGruber in the heart?

Did you hear that, you fucking piece of shit?

Did you make this?

Dixon, I'm pregnant.

Do they?

Do we have any idea who these kidnappers are, major?

Do you copy?

Do you like things up your ass, boy?

Do you like things up your ass?

Do you think I'm good at what I do?

Does not negotiate with terrorists.

Doesn't normally make mistakes like that.

Don't go towards the lights. Stay in the dark.

Don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me,

Don't move a muscle.

Don't worry. This is gonna be very quick.

Don't you see? This is a trap. Fasoose is setting you up!

Don't you understand?

Double chin.

Down to Aruba, get out of here?

Dr. Irina Poliskaya.

Drag it.

Drag it. Drop it.

Drag it. Drop it.

Drop your fucking piece. Okay, okay.

During your murder trial and said, "She did it!"

Eagle One, engage target.

Ecuador was just the beginning.

Eight...

Elite special forces leader turned American traitor.

Especially after what he did to my family.

Ever in the history of the universe?

Ever since you were a tiny, ugly, stupid little baby.

Ever, ever, ever gonna

Every beautiful detail laid out like the gears on a clock.

Every law enforcement officer in the country

Every time she shouted your name

Every time the world feels like it's caving in around me,

Every top chemical engineer in the world will be there.

Everything is dead.

Everything they need to destroy the fucking world!

Eww!

Face! [laughs]

Family torn apart.

Fighting for justice with Gandhi and Lady Di.

Fighting the good fight,

Filled with a bunch of fresh jizz

Find the dealer.

Fine, fine!

Fine.

Fine.

Fingers crossed, nobody else has, either.

Fire.

Five years for aiding and abetting.

Flicking, groping, asking...

Folding towels is a science.

For for those doust

For 100 million years.

For all the Jelly Bellies in the world.

For Cunth's death at your trial?

For getting your eyes all blown up to shit.

For gits and shiggles?

For good this time.

For her.

For his next crack rock?

For justice and honor,

For me and my husband, who will be home any second.

For me.

For my fairy tale ending.

For my mother, for my father,

For ten straight hours, minus bathroom breaks.

For the millions of p

For the past 20 years?

For those eye stumps of yours, huh?

For those who thou

For when he'd have access to her.

For, like, every country in the world.

Forgetting everything,

Forgive me.

Former military officer MacGruber.

Friggin' desert.

From birth, that simple axiom is drilled into our heads,

From Madison. Tell him all about

From me and Piper here right, Piper?

From the ashes of the old.

Fuck him and his stupid wife

Fuck yeah. You got her, Checkers?

Fuck you! Ready the choppers.

Fuck you.

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck.

Fucked up my leg and my new cargos.

Fucked your mom and dad unprotected,

Fuckin' perv!

Fuckin' tool, fuckin' asshole, fuckin' buttwipe,

Fucking dumbass.

Fucking liar.

General Barrett Fasoose

General. [coughs]

Gently.

Get another Reaper up now.

Get in here.

Get killed in front of your eyes?

Get on your feet, come on, let's dance!

Get within 100 calendar feet of your dirty butthole

Get you so bent out of shape that you start making mistakes.

Get your mouth over here! What?

Getting back in the game for one last dance.

Give him another ten...

Give up his god damn life to a group of god damn terrorists,

Glad you're okay.

Go fuck yourself.

Go get it, Bailey.

Go! Go! [Vicky yells]

God damn it, Checkers, we're sitting ducks here!

God damn it, we expected you at Langley this afternoon!

Goes for all genders, really, Sharold.

Goll dar, Barrett!

Gonna find you.

Gonna need therapy, though.

Good call on the water thing, Piper.

Good God.

Good news is, I'm gonna let you keep it.

Good tidings, Vicki.

Goodbye, Vicki.

Got a little boogie.

Got to be honest with you:

Got your nose.

Great to "see" you.

Guess you know why I'm here.

Guys, can you hear me?

Guys, I think I found the uplink

Guys, we have a problem. We need his password.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha!

Had a mutually beneficial relationship.

Had just gotten his hands on the most devastating

Half of D.C. is looking for you right now.

Hands on your head.

Hang on, hang on.

Happy birthday to me.

Has been standing right in front of me the whole time.

Have a bad dream?

Have a seat.

Have to clear my throat.

Have to keep things strictly professional.

Have we met?

Have you been working on these?

Have you ever heard of an "The Architect?"

Have you ever seen the movie "The Outsiders?"

Haven't been in here for 20 years.

Having a child with you is

He always wanted to pull out someone's eyes.

He came over to our house

He didn't tell you?

He does not know what he's talking about.

He doesn't play well with others.

He fucking lies to me about having it,

He has counterfeit passports and currency

He killed my mother.

He needed us.

He never wanted me to have to do any of the work.

He shot a rocket propelled RPG at our wedding pagoda!

He smelled it too hard,

He used our wedding anniversary.

He was my mentor, my first husband.

He was the smartest man that ever lived.

He'd give them a choice between two doors.

He's been off the grid for 20 years

He's dead.

He's gone, Piper.

He's gonna hit, like, everywhere.

He's gonna use to trigger the poison.

He's in a better place.

He's like a guided missile.

He's out there somewhere.

He's really gone.

He's what we like to call a "problem inmate."

Heck, in a way, you inspired this whole thing.

Heck, maybe you never had it in the first place.

Hell, everyone we knew

Hell, I mean, for all I know,

Hell, I'd take you to the fucking prom

Hell, maybe Kernst is just playing me.

Hell, my family's been broken so long,

Hello, Father.

Hello, Lon, Baker, Bex,

Hello, MacGruber.

Hello.

Hello.

Here you go. [sighs]

Hey, know why Molson is my favorite beer?

Hey, Lon!

Hey, Pipe.

Hey, you guys, let's all go celebrate and dance!

Hey. Sharold.

Hid it in a very safe place.

His computer's automatically decrypting the files.

His eyes didn't, however,

Hold off there, General, for a second.

Hold your fire!

Hold your fire! Hold your fire!

Holy shit! Does that guy have his wiener out?

Home to over 2 million people

Homemade cinnamon rolls.

Hope you like your meat well done.

Hope you motherfuckers are ready.

Hope you saved room for dessert.

Hope you weren't planning on not exploding tonight.

Hotheaded, conceited, selfish, thoughtless, reckless,

How are we looking, Checkers?

How the fuck do you get out of this place? Shit.

How the hell did you survive

How you gave it up without a fight.

How you personally put the enemy in a position

Huh, you little fuckin' dumbass "Dilbert" fan?

Huh? I said,

Huh? Is that

Huh? Oh, that's so cute. I'm jealous, and I'm an adult.

Huh? Roger? Mm hmm, mm hmm.

I I know I can help.

I almost forgot what it's like to have a real family.

I almost stopped this entire thing!

I always felt like I let you down.

I am a "Dilbert" fan.

I am fucking begging you.

I am not your honey, honey. Not anymore.

I am so sorry.

I am totally pressing charges.

I assure you this place is very modest.

I basically gave the friggin' bad guys

I believe you're at the part

I called you a fucker, a fuckhead, fuckface.

I came as soon as I could.

I copy. [clears throat]

I defended you.

I did it all for the nookie.

I did.

I do not yearn for your sharp scent.

I don't know about you, but I kind of like the world.

I don't know if you're counting, but I am,

I don't mean to make this all about me.

I don't mind that you put your penis in Vicki's vagina,

I don't negotiate with terrorists.

I even like cancer and type 2 diabetes

I found a bunch of those bad boys in your underpants.

I get carsick if I don't sing to myself

I got a primo story about rippin' a dude's nose off

I got her to drink it.

I got it all right.

I got nothing to hide.

I got one for you.

I got the feeling he was... saying goodbye.

I guess Queeth finally settled the score.

I guess the U.S. military just kind of happened to show up

I guess you caught me if you could.

I had no idea you knew all that stuff.

I have a wonderful husband and a big, glitzy house,

I have ever had.

I have one day left on this Earth.

I have something for you.

I have the best job ever now.

I haven't even looked in the back.

I helped him get you out of jail,

I hid it where Queeth will never find it.

I hope you're not still afraid of the dark.

I I don't understand.

I I've been waiting for this day for ten years.

I just told him that but I wanted you to hear it as well.

I just touch that locket,

I just wish he could see what he's about to do to you.

I know how he moves. Victoria.

I know it wasn't an easy decision.

I know it'd be a lot easier for you if I had died.

I know it's hard, but just try to remember,

I know that a speech is de rigueur,

I know where you're hiding now, MacGruber.

I know you're hurting too.

I know you're out there, Queeth.

I know you're really up against it right now,

I lied. Totally noticeable.

I like babies and kettle corn.

I like kicking back with a cold Molson and watching the game.

I like snowcapped mountains.

I like sunsets.

I like the tig, ol' bitties and bunchin' mox.

I like this song, Vick. Thank you.

I made some mistakes.

I made these especially for you, MacGruber.

I mean, anybody could look that up.

I mean, better.

I mean, do you hear yourself when you talk?

I mean, do you honestly believe