A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (2011) Edit

A couple of brothers can't sell trees? Only swing from them like monkeys?

A couple squeaks got by...

A fucking mini mall in Des Moines?

A lifesaver.

A little more expensive.

A queefer.

A WaffleBot.

Aah, aah. Hey! Whoa.

Aah!

Aah! And it really, really hurts.

Aah! Okay, I need this room...

Aah. It's not a disease, is it? Heh, heh.

ADRIAN: Aw... Glass is sharp. Glass is sharp.

ADRIAN: Dude, look.

ADRIAN: New plan. Let's bash through the door.

ADRIAN: Oh, shit!

ADRIAN: Ow, ow.

ADRIAN: Right. Don't talk about it.

ADRIAN: She's crashing hard.

ADRIAN: You know, I like the beard, but I love clean shaven you.

After all we've been through with that guy, he better.

After we just had that breakthrough?

After you made Eiffel Tower on Mary?

Ah, okay.

Ah!

Ah! Guess that holy water didn't wash everything off, now did it?

Ahh.

All my other friends...

All right, um...

All right.

All right. Merry Christmas!

All right. Oh, God.

Am I missing something?

Am I supposed to feel bad?

America's sweetheart!

And a happy

And a happy New Year

And frankly, I'm kind of glad that the craziness is behind me.

And guess what. Next week...

And I got triple the money.

And I went to heaven.

And I'll see what I can do about your parents' ugly divorce, Caren.

And I'm a terrible dancer.

And if you want to be in our family...

And the whole family...

And then I shot...

And then...

And they'll burn in H.

And we didn't have the rollback rule...

And, Mr. Lee, I think you're gonna be really pleased.

ANNOUNCER [OVER SPEAKERS]: And now, ladies and gentlemen...

Any luck with the tree?

Anybody here?

Appreciate it.

Are you kidding? No guy at school will even touch me.

Are you really hot? I'm, like, hot...

Are you sure we have to...

As they say in my country:

At all.

At first

Ava! Scooch to Daddy! Hide behind Daddy!

Aw, come on.

Aw, come on. You just played it.

Aw, dude, turn in there!

Bah, bah, bah! Not the throw pillows!

BARTENDER: What can we get for you? NEIL & BARTENDERS: Whiskey.

BARTENDER: Yeah.

Battery low

Bay window is brand new, actually. We just put that in last week.

Because I think I was starting to trip out back there a little bit.

Because I wanted you...

Because it is a big deal.

Because what makes Maria happy is what makes me happy.

Because when they get here...

Because you weren't brought up...

Because you're the best. I don't wanna go with him.

BECCA: Go! Move!

Besides...

Best selection...

Big house, lot of bathrooms.

Black ice! It's real!

BORIS: Hey, grandpa!

Both of you...

BOTH: Daddy.

BOTH: Holy shit!

BOTH: Shit.

BOTH: Thanks, WaffleBot!

Both. No.

Buddy.

But one week before that first Christmas, while walking home from work...

But real talk...

But that's not enough to be with my Maria.

But this may be the last chance we've got.

But unfortunately...

But wasn't there a time you actually used to get along? You might be in...

But why are you making such a big deal about this?

But you

But, Harold, weed is so good.

By the way, for what it's worth...

Bye bye, sweet pea.

Bye, Harold.

Cagey as shit. Right, boy?

Calm down. It's just a Christmas tree.

Can I get you a beer?

Can I just speak to him, please?

Can I play angry black guy this time?

Can we drop this tree off at Sulu's and head to the city?

Can we put on some Wu Tang?

Can you untie us?

Carlos, it will. Tell me exactly what you want and I'll take care of it.

Carlos, Merry Christmas.

Christmas isn't ruined.

Christmas tree! Christmas tree!

Clay's the biggest coozehound I know. That guy gets mad gash.

Come on in.

Come on, girls. I'll introduce you.

Come on, have a seat.

Come on, man, it's Christmas.

Come on!

Come with me if you wanna live!

Cool about the clothes.

Crawled up the water spout

Dad, you good? You need a drink or...? No? Okay.

Daddy Daughter Day.

Daddy likes.

Daddy!

Daddy.

DAVID: Fuck this! I got a wife...

DAVID: What stuff? The stuff.

David'll tell you, these hands are magical.

Dead squirrel.

Diaper emergency! Aah! Cocaine!

Die, motherfucker!

DIRECTOR: All right, that's a cut. Great job

Do me a favor.

Do they really think we care what poor people think?

Do you not have time?

Do you not know...

Do you smell something burning?

Do you want to come in for a drink...

Does everybody know about this party?

Does it? Damn it. Okay. That explains a lot.

Doesn't explain the gay thing.

Doesn't mean the other should forget about the good times.

Don we now our gay apparel

Don't call him that, dude. What's up, WaffleBot?

Don't fucking spit on my dick!

Don't get too comfortable. Keep your game face on for your father in law.

Don't listen to these guys. It takes balls to do what you're doing.

Don't pee on me!

Don't play me like that.

Don't quit weed.

Don't worry, Mr. Lee. I'll distract them.

Don't worry.

Don't worry.

Don't you get it?

Done.

Dude, come on!

Dude, do you feel kind of weird?

Dude, everything's Claymated!

Dude, I need this tree.

Dude, it's a WaffleBot.

Dude, it's the balls.

Dude, look out!

Dude, relax. It's gonna wear off soon.

Dude, seriously...

Dude, you are not depriving me of this:

Dude, you baby whispered her.

Dude, you're in luck. There's still coffee in here.

Dude, you're overreacting. There's plenty of tree lots.

Dude...

Eggnog? Empanadas?

Eight years, wow. I never knew Christmas trees were such a big deal.

Empanadas?

Er... No.

Every Christmas we use a tree that Dad grew.

Every year I would pray to God:

Everybody's got a potty mouth these days.

Except, see, in our day, it was called Beirut.

Excuse me, uh, Neil. But I'm Jesus. So...

Excuse me!

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Fa la la, la Ia la, la la la

Feels good.

Fine.

Fine. Can you pee on it?

First of all, don't ever take the Lord's name in vain, not after...

First, we need to steal some tickets.

For a massage. Heh.

Forget about her.

Forget it. Heh.

Forget it. It's past 2 a.m.

Forget it. Just...

Four

Fuck it, I'm in.

Fuck Savage! That rock is mine!

Fuck you!

Fuck your tree!

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck.

Fucking actors.

Fucking tight jeans.

Gat's coming out

Generation Z, here's your ball back.

Get him!

Get it over here. Hurry the fuck up!

Get it?

Get the fuck off of me!

Get the fuck...

Getting not low.

Getting read)'

Give it to me. Come on, David, give me the stuff. Give me the sugar.

Give me a half hour...

Give me the phone to Dad.

Give me the stuff.

Glad your family's here.

Go and get some rest, huh? Make yourself fresh...

Go! Come on, come on, come on! Shut up!

Go. Go.

God, does everything have to be about Christmas?

God, I hate this...

God, I hate this...

God! I thought you were gay!

God.

GOLDSTEIN: For us Christians...

Gonna hit this?

Good girl! Let's go home! Let's go see Santa.

GRACIE: Excuse me, Neil?

Great to see you guys.

Growing up in Medellin...

GUSTAV: But first...

GUSTAV: Grab it.

GUSTAV: Mary would...

GUSTAV: Wake up!

GUSTAV: You stupid...

Gustav.

GUY: I'm coming!

Guys our age need to watch...

Guys, I'd love to stay and chat but I gotta go get this tree.

Ha ha ha. Not bad, Roldy.

Ha ha ha. Of course it is.

Ha ha ha. So are you!

Ha, ha. I ruined your...?

Ha, ha. No doubt, WaffleBot

Had I known, I would have smoked it.

Had plenty of fun times with weed. But I'm an adult now.

Happens to the best of us. You up for...

Happens.

HAROLD [IN HINDI]:

HAROLD: All right. Waffle break?

HAROLD: Aw...

HAROLD: Cheers. Cheers.

HAROLD: Come on.

HAROLD: Dude!

HAROLD: Fuck! Midnight Mass. Is it midnight already? Fucking midnight!

HAROLD: God, that tree is perfect.

HAROLD: Hey. Calm down. Calm down.

HAROLD: I can't get her...

HAROLD: I didn't know the nuns all showered in the same room.

HAROLD: I don't care, okay?

HAROLD: I guess. It's extraordinarily...

HAROLD: If you knew Maria's dad...

HAROLD: It's just the weekend.

HAROLD: It's perfect.

HAROLD: Maria's dad will kill me!

HAROLD: My name and your address. That's weird.

HAROLD: Neil, listen.

HAROLD: Oh, my God!

HAROLD: Push harder, dude!

HAROLD: She caught your eye, huh? Ha, ha.

HAROLD: She's upstairs...

HAROLD: This douche did.

HAROLD: Try singing again.

HAROLD: Were you starting to trip out a little bit?

HAROLD: What back room?

HAROLD: What the fuck?

HAROLD: What the fuck?!

HAROLD: What the hell is this?

HAROLD: What? You sold it?

HAROLD: Where the fuck are we?

HAROLD: Whoa.

HAROLD: Would you stop?

HAROLD: You got his baby high.

Harold! Wake up! Baby.

Harold?

Harold.

Harry? Gotta be kidding me.

Harry. Unh! No, no, no.

Has she seen your dick? Is it bigger than mine?

Have you kids...

He almost spotted us! I'm supposed to be at home with the tree.

He is, all right? I just... I don't want his shit in my place.

He knows when you're awake

He sees you when you're sleeping

He's getting a handjob in my club.

He's just playing. How you doing? I'm Latrell.

He's probably putting her to bed or something.

He's young.

He)', guys.

Heh, heh. Do you know what happened?

Heh, heh. Word. Word. My boy here, same way.

Heh. Nice, Harry.

Heh. The last time you hit on a chick, you had to ask for her beeper number.

Hello, Harold.

Hello, Harold.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello. Kumar.

Here.

Here's one we did for Ja Rule. Ha ha ha.

Here's what we do.

Here's your phone.

Hey, Adrian. I can't wait to finally meet you.

Hey, douche?

Hey, Glasses.

Hey, Gracie, chin up.

Hey, guys. I just wanted to say that was an epic match.

Hey, hey, look at that. NPH, Neil Patrick Harris.

Hey, hey!

Hey, hey. What about the tree'?

Hey, little guy.

Hey, man, I can take the blame for that, all right?

Hey, merry Christmas, guys. We'll see you in the fourth one.

Hey, over there.

Hey, some people like the holidays.

Hey, speaking of guests...

Hey, this place is, like, not shitty.

Hey! Enough talk.

Hey! Let's take a picture. Everybody!

Hey.

Hey. Looks like somebody missed me.

Hey...

Hey...

Hi.

Hi...

His name is Seth Goldstein. For Christ's sake!

Hold on a second.

Hold on. There's something...

Hold on. We'll drop the tree off and then we'll go get you your virgin.

Hold on. What the hell's going on?

Hollywood Hearsay. Is it true that you're replacing Regis?

Holy shit!

Holy shit! Dude, you're Claymated!

Holy shit. Neil.

Holy shit. That is the best Christmas toy ever.

Homey.

Hook you up with a free WaffleBot? You know what? Take mine.

How about you cut us out?

How did that happen already?

How do we get out?

How do you feel, Mr. Claus?

How long has it been? You two look great. Have you lost weight?

How the hell do I do that?

How'd you know that?

I actually have not shaved since you left. Pretty romantic.

I almost had my dick ripped off.

I already asked him. He said no. He's spending Christmas...

I am gay. Gay for that pussy.

I am so going to tweet about that. Heh heh heh.

I came downstairs this morning...

I can come back later.

I can get you one of those Christmas trees?

I can read your mind.

I can't believe you brought the tree. Ha ha ha.

I can't believe you'd invite Vanessa and not tell me.

I can't... I can't...

I did it anyway!

I didn't see her.

I do it too.

I do love...

I don't even see any stamps on this.

I don't have anyone else to confide in. I might as well tell you. Uh...

I don't have to be doing this.

I don't know if we should.

I don't know what sick game you're playing...

I don't know, but they're fucking studs.

I don't know, I kind of wanna see what happens next.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. Hasn't the 3D thing jumped the shark by now?

I don't need to be part of this.

I don't smoke any more.

I don't understand what it is with you people and your trees.

I don't wanna come to your shitty ass party, dude.

I don't wanna...

I give a shit what my father in law thinks. You wouldn't understand.

I got a buddy picking me up.

I got a virgin to fuck!

I got an idea.

I got the munchies.

I got this.

I gotta stay here and smoke this weed, otherwise I won't get high.

I guess I haven't found...

I had Hanukkah Hash, but the kids from Temple Shalom Immanuel cleaned me out.

I hate that android fuck.

I hate...

I haven '1' heard back. What's going on?

I haven't lived there for so long.

I haven't slept with anyone since we broke up.

I head down to the nuns' shower room.

I just...

I know I don't have to.

I know this is your first time, so I'm gonna be extra gentle.

I know, dude.

I know, right?

I know, so do I.

I know.

I know. But... Look, if you give me another chance...

I know. Force of habit. Just...

I know. I don't know why I didn't.

I know. That's strange.

I left my wallet upstairs. Thank you.

I like it.

I love those sconces.

I love you

I love you too, little guy.

I love you too.

I love you.

I made a mess.

I mean, I love kids.

I mean, I pulled out and came on your back.

I mean, I'm Jesus Christ.

I need it!

I promise...

I really need it. I'll pay double.

I remember the day they announced the rule. Same day I kicked a little bitch's ass at it.

I said step aside.

I saw this in a movie, man.

I take full responsibility. Please leave.

I think I found the absolute best gift for your father in law.

I think I see Uncle Harold over there.

I think that they got me drunk.

I think that'll do it.

I thought that would knock you out, obviously.

I thought those hippies were gonna kill you.

I thought weed stunted fertility. That's why I quit.

I used to date this black chick, she used to queef every time we had sex.

I wanna be doing this.

I want to.

I want to.

I was almost burned alive by Ukrainian gangsters.

I was drugged by...

I was gonna split the profits with you...

I was wondering if...

I will punch you in your face!

I will take care of this. Thank you.

I wish I would've realized that sooner.

I won't fuck her!

I wouldn't miss it, man.

I'll be right back. I'm just gonna drop this off.

I'll even quit weed if I have to.

I'll get the rope.

I'll take care of the tree. You have a family night in Manhattan.

I'll tell the elves.

I'm addicted to cocaine.

I'm begging you!

I'm freezing! Give us back our clothes.

I'm going to rock your world.

I'm guessing...

I'm in for a really stressful weekend. I just needed some comfort food.

I'm just teasing you.

I'm just wondering...

I'm loving me some Applebee's. I made terrible investments...

I'm more fun to hang out with than Todd

I'm not, it's just hard.

I'm on cocaine.

I'm pregnant.

I'm pretty sure it's wearing off.

I'm pretty sure she's completely shaved.

I'm really high.

I'm really, really, really sorry!

I'm sick and tired of your fucking passive aggressive bullshit.

I'm so sorry. Wow.

I'm sorry about him, dude. I...

I'm sorry I was such a dick...

I'm sorry, do you want us to play you in beer pong?

I'm sorry, we don't have tickets.

I'm sorry, where are my manners? Here. Here.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I was gonna use the doorbell but I didn't want to wake your parents.

I've been growing her for eight years.

I've been texting you.

Ice to see you.

If it's a baby I gotta give you, it's a baby you're gonna get.

If this guy makes one more lame pun, I'm gonna kill myself.

If you beat us...

If you're looking for trees, you should know we do custom work.

In Texas.

In that whorehouse.

INEZ: Uncle Harold.

Introducing WaffleBot.

Is it fake?

Is it like the scene from A Christmas Story?

Is that Hugo Boss? I love it.

Is that too much?

Is there a...?

Is there somewhere we can eat?

Isn't this the most beautiful tree you've ever seen?

It doesn't taste like semen.

It gets you high.

It has to look perfect on Christmas morning.

It hurt like hell...

It is a G D shame.

It is I, the B I G, the B O I

It never works.

It really hurts. You're digging your nails into it! Aah!

It smells like shit in here.

It was exactly...

It was like being famous...

It was my little way of bringing you boys back together.

It was really sour.

It was ridiculous. I used to call her Queen Laqueefa.

It's 3D.

It's a bit of an emergency.

It's a miracle!

It's a miracle.

It's about fucking time, Roldy.

It's all a big misunderstanding.

It's an investment, really.

It's Christmas Eve, okay? What do you expect?

It's going to voice mail.

It's Harold, actually.

It's just the weekend.

It's just this lie I sort of got caught in.

It's like a stained glass window of paper.

It's like Maria's dad's tree.

It's like the worst ice there is. Black ice, it's everywhere.

It's not fine! My baby's on cocaine.

It's not like I don't have friends.

It's not not awesome!

It's powerful, man.

It's spreading. It's spreading!

It's such a disaster, this fucking night.

It's the coffee at the shelter.

It's too risky. I haven't done that in forever.

It's, um...

Jesus Christ. That's me. I'm Jesus Christ, Neil.

JESUS: So, girls...

JESUS: Yeah, yeah, for real.

Jesus!

Jesus! Well, then what the hell do...?

Jonbenet, I'm talking to you, sweetie.

Just because your wife made you convert doesn't mean you're not a Jew!

Just drive. Todd, drive.

Just give me a minute, all right, man? Probably less. Heh.

Just gonna come on the stage.

Just got reserved.

Just let me have the rock.

Just remember, next time you take a drug test...

Just shoot this motherfucker, people come.

Just walk it off.

Karate Kid style.

Kenneth, it's Christmas.

KENNETH: Ah, Mr. Lee? I'm here.

Kind of like Ryan Gosling in The Notebook.

Koreans have killed his mother, and now this tree. Christmas is ruined.

KUMAR [IN HINDI]:

Kumar and WaffleBot friends forever.

Kumar, I really need to talk to you.

Kumar, no! Merry...

Kumar, you're acting ridiculous, okay? Goodbye.

KUMAR: All right.

KUMAR: Aw...

KUMAR: Be right there!

KUMAR: Clay cocks! Put your cock away.

KUMAR: Fuck!

KUMAR: Ha, ha. Dude, this is awesome!

KUMAR: Harold. Wait!

KUMAR: I am doing it!

KUMAR: I'm busy, Adrian! Go away!

KUMAR: If I was a tree farmer...

KUMAR: Just hold on a second, all right?

KUMAR: Let's go check it out.

KUMAR: Look, Union Square. Let's hide in that tree.

KUMAR: Oh, no, no.

KUMAR: Oh, shit. Shit.

KUMAR: Once the coast is clear, we use the key to get into the back room.

KUMAR: Please don't do that.

KUMAR: Really?

KUMAR: Sure this is the right address?

KUMAR: There's gotta be a freight elevator or something.

Kumar!

Kumar?

Kumar?

Kumar? You kidding me? I haven't seen that guy in years.

Kumar.

Kumar.

Kumar.

La la!

LAMAR: Oh, I got you now.

Less romantic?

Let me die in peace!

Let me pull my pants up.

Let me tell you a story, Harold.

Let's get out of here.

Let's get shots. Keep the party going.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's have some sex before you get all fat on me.

Let's see how you did on your assignment.

Letting him have the master bedroom?

Lie still. You've been in a terrible accident. I'm gonna take a closer look.

Like I imagined it

Like three months ago.

Like we some Wayne Brady ass ******s, right?

Listen to me. I need you to go into Santa's gift bag...

Listen, I'd love to stay and chat...

Listen, if you want you can come.

Listen, we're friends of Mary, okay?

Little bit, yeah.

Little girl, I'm not gonna ask you no more.

Little trick I learned...

Look at the branch distribution.

Look, don't be alarmed...

Look, Santa, we're so sorry.

Look. We are...

Look...

Lot of poopies, lot of money.

Ma'am, you seem like a very nice person.

MADEA [ON TV]: Look at me, look at me!

MADEA: What was you doing? You supposed to be at school.

MADEA: Who told you that?

Make every breakfast a Bot fast.

Make sure we can get the tree, you got a deal.

MALL SANTA: Oh, ha, ha. Well, I'll definitely be getting you that bicycle.

MAN: I told you not to aim for the face.

Maria is my wife.

Maria, forget about midnight Mass.

MARIA: Daddy.

MARIA: I've missed you!

MARIA: Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

MARIA: Wow! Oh, my God.

Maria!

Maria's dad grew that tree...

MARY: Stop resisting.

MARY: Uh! You fucking...

Maybe he fucks up all the time.

Maybe he's been a chode, caring more about bay windows...

Maybe if you acted more like an adult, you'd get invited to adult parties.

Maybe we can...

Meet me at my sleigh in half an hour, okay?

Merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

Merry Christmas, Harold.

Merry Christmas, Roldy!

Miraculously, my mother is no longer a total bitch.

Mm, mm. Ha ha ha. Hey. How about that?

Mm.

Mm. It's good.

Morty, Kumar, long time.

Mr. Claus, can you feel...

Mr. Lee, you don't understand.

Mr. Lee!

MR. PEREZ: It's a miracle!

MR. PEREZ: It's okay, baby.

MR. PEREZ: Where's the tree?

Mr. Perez.

Mr. Perez.

My baby...

My boy here gets cagey during the holidays.

My daughter's in there!

My dick's stuck to a pole!

My eyes are all fucked up.

NARRATOR: Get the Christmas

NARRATOR: How about this?

NARRATOR: Just pop the top, let that batter drop

Neil Patrick Harris. I played Private Carl Jenkins...

Neil Patrick Harris. My man.

NEIL: It'll be tough between...

NEIL: So, ladies, have you ever heard of something...

NEIL: The chicks were hot. The music was sick.

New Year

Nice.

Nice. But I...

NIKKI: I'm not smart like the other kids. I can't do that stuff.

NIKKI: My last foster mother.

No fucking way.

No more jerking off into a sock filled with baby powder.

No return address.

No shit.

No smoking in this house.

No way, dude. Nobody dies while Claymated. It's a fact.

No, don't hang up the phone on me.

No, don't say do svidaniya.

No, dude, come on. You got this. Feel it.

No, dude, I don't understand.

No, I shouldn't.

No, no, no!

No, no, no! No, no, no!

No, no, no.

No, no, no. No, you skedaddle.

No, no! No more cocaine!

No, not yet. But he's a huge fan of Christmas. I'm hoping when he sees...

No, please don't light us up.

No, Why?

No! No, no, no! That is not true, Daddy.

No.

No.

No. Gained. Quite a bit, actually. This is a really nice house.

No. Hey, no.

No. It's already very late.

No. Miss? Miss? That's incorrect.

No. No, no, no.

No. Nobody's dying, Claus. Not on my watch.

No. When Maria's dad...

No. You know.

Nobody gets high the first time they smoke weed. Don't you know anything?

Not a big deal?

Not again. Oh, my God. This happens every goddamn time.

Nothin' to fuck with

Nothing about lighter.

Nothing. Let's just go.

Now I feel even worse about your dick.

Now I remember.

Now she has the giggles.

Now take it off.

Now we're getting tinkled on.

Now what?

Now, come on and fuck a baby into me.

Now, here's a newsflash:

Now, look, I understand that you guys have your issues, okay?

Now!

Of course you should.

Of course. You're doing great. I thought we could work on a thing or two.

Oh, by the way, if anybody asks, I'm Robert Pattinson's acting coach.

Oh, by the way, you got shit all over your car.

Oh, crap.

Oh, Daddy, I wanted to spend tonight in the city...

Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, dude!

Oh, fuck.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, great.

Oh, great. Great. This is just great.

Oh, here it goes. Here it goes.

Oh, hi there. Somebody's looking...

Oh, I almost forgot. Harold, my Uncle Yoav, he threw his back out.

Oh, I know it wasn't your fault.

Oh, I see.

Oh, I'm sorry, I guess you guys haven't heard of it before.

Oh, it's just a work...

Oh, it's okay. It's just a couple girlfriends.

Oh, it's so hard.

Oh, look.

Oh, man.