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Steven Wright Steven Alexander Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He was ranked as

Steven Wright Soundboard

Steven Alexander Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He was ranked as the 15th Greatest Comedian by Rolling Stone in its 2017 list of the 50 Greatest Stand-up Comics. He is known for his slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes.
See also: Craig Steven Wright, Steven Wright (baseball), Steve Wright (serial killer), Steven Wright (disambiguation), Reservoir Dogs, and Edgar Wright.

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But that's my favorite thing ever.
Doesn't matter what temperature room is, it's always room temperature.
I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add.
I didn't think about how I talked. I didn't think about how I looked. I didn't think about anything. All I thought about it was material.
I have never seen electricity.
I have two brothers and one sister. My sister has three brothers and no sisters.
I remember the first time I ever went to sleep.
I remember when I was seven, my grandmother said, Steven, come over here. And I said, what do you mean?
I was thinking about the new phone that I bought and the first thing I did was push redial.
I'm seriously saying this stuff. I don't have time to be laughing.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
My uncle was a clown for Ringling Brothers Circus. And when he died? All his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Once I went through a stop sign, they stopped me. They said, why do you go through the sign? I said, hey, I don't believe everything I read.
One day, she said you want some pancakes? I said no, I don't like pancakes.
So I get out of the bed, I figured I'd go for a walk, she said. How long you gonna be going? He said the whole time.
So I got off the plane and I forgot to undo my seat belt and I'm pulling the plane through the terminal.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories.