It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - Season 1 Edit

A long time for this moment, Dennis.

A week ago was three weeks late, Mac.

Abortion is murder! It's a child, not a choice!

About certain people hanging from said rafters...

About the T shirts with the stupid slogans on them.

Absolutely.

According to this, that's not really a good idea. So I'm gonna have to pass.

Actually, it really turns me on.

Ah. Mmm. Dee, could you get me a nurse?

All of a sudden, I notice this dude eyeballin' me from across the bar.

All owners opposed, say "nay."

All people who own the bar who are opposed, say "nay."

All people who own the bar who are opposed...

All right, all right. Hey, pal.

All right, all right. I'm coming.

All right, change of plans. Leave the gun.

All right, get a trash bag. We'll put it over him.

All right, hurry up. Hurry up!

All right, let's do it.

All right, listen to me, Dee. The slow and painful crawl to death...

All right, Megan. I'm finished.

All right, so here's the deal.

All right, so it starts out I'm not feeling good. I'm havin' headaches and

All right, so, I'm gonna do the shot first

All right, well, you need to keep that i

All right! I'll take you to a hospital! God!

All right.

All right. Here.

All right. I'll see you in a second.

All right. Okay.

All right. Okay. So now you're, like, a word genius.

All right. So we got the binoculars. We got the ziplock baggies.

All right. So what's the plan? Do we have a limo or what?

All right. Well, I'll see you tomorrow?

All righty. I'll make sure he gets the message. Thank you.

All the belongings from that part of my life are in a box...

All the guys knew you couldn't sleep with their girlfriends.

All those in favor of Paddy's Pub remaining a gay bar, say "aye."

Also, we gotta get rid of these shamrocks.

Am I crazy? We need to be able to protect ourselves...

And as you can see, I don't have much time left.

And everything I say, you twist it around and make me look dumb.

And he's stuck in that nursing home.

And hookups are good.

And I came out the better man, just as I predicted I would.

And I don't trust any of these kikes in here...

And I don't wanna wait until it's too late and then regret it.

And I know nothing about him.

And I look at him and say, "Yo, ese...

And I love to party.

And I need you to keep it as a secret between you and me.

And I said, "Lionel, why are we just talking about it?

And I tore his ass apart!

And I was wondering if you could help me out with some information.

And I was wondering what you think about this?

And I'm placing my bets that that girl's grandfather is an asshole too.

And if we keep it, we don't get anything, so we may as well burn it.

And interview with you, so you could see if you liked her.

And intimidate him, maybe break his arm.

And it's mostly college kids.

And just 'cause she doesn't have the right measurements or whatever, you freak out.

And look at these wrinkled old hands against your young face.

And needs to be in this museum.

And not only did we feed...

And secondly, that you would expect it would "make my day"...

And that was it.

And that was Lionel.

And that's what I do...

And then it turns out that you people actually are!

And then you take the shot.

And they'd have no idea what the hell's going on.

And this Mary here is the belle of the ball.

And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking.

And we cried together, and I held him for a while...

And we got to talking about the spirit of giving.

And we made sweet, passionate love.

And we probably shouldn't let Dennis know about his grandfather anyway.

And we talked about it, and we decided we need to get rid of that gun.

And we'd go sit in some park, right?

And you get in their head, and you drive them crazy!

And you know what the thing that's so rad is?

And you liberals are against killing murderers.

And you never actually had sex with him.

And... you have to take me to lunch...

Anything that you want, anything in the world, all right?

Apparently, she's got this hot new friend who sh she

Are we gonna serve drinks today? I don't think the board of health will be too keen on that.

Are you actually gonna throw away all your convictions for a chance to get laid?

Are you all right? Is that gonna be okay? Because I could really use use him.

Are you hitting on me at an abortion rally?

Are you kiddin' me? Oh What happened?

Are you living out some sad fantasy of yours?

Are you okay?

Are you two seeing this?

Artemis, that was amazing

As a matter of fact, I have a date this afternoon with my friend Steven.

As soon as we get some new locks, we should be all set.

As we all know, Lionel could be a bit of a curmudgeon.

Assumes that I'm interested in profiting off the murder of millions of innocent people.

At least you don't actually have to go.

At the Coyote Ugly.

At the Roxborough Storage Facility.

Awesome. Your grandfather's a Nazi.

Badass, you know?

Bam? What's that?

Bam.

Beat it.

Because earlier you were implying that I was racist...

Because I have my ways.

Because Sara told me that Maureen told her that Regina McGinley thought you were cute.

Because the whole thing is gonna sound so much better coming from a girl.

Because you thought that I was implying that all black people are related.

Boys are out tonight, huh?

Buried in it? Screw that old bitch. He's a Nazi.

Business ethics? The only reason you don't care is you have black girls hanging all over you.

But a lot of it. Enough that maybe he might hurt himself.

But he didn't have any other family, so the police called me.

But he had the heart of a lion.

But I can't seem to find anyone else who really knew him that well.

But I did figure out how to get help at the bar.

But I don't understand how you guys could let this happen.

But I was a war hero.

But I was wondering if you wanted to meet me and my friends at Lemon Hill afterwards.

But if you must know, it's because we know who knocked over the bar.

But it's pretty much all natural.

But it's very dangerous, right? Right? Okay.

But Mac gets a boner every single time he thinks about a gun.

But seriously blackout drunk.

But she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because, you know...

But thanks. I appreciate it. Really nice of you.

But there's been, like, a string of these robberies all over the area.

But this is a stupid idea you guys have. So you know what?

But Trey didn't like Erin Hannabry. It was all a bunch of bull.

But we found the perfect girl for Charlie.

But we washed the feet of every man, woman and child there...

But you have to let me borrow your car any time I want.

But you won't be seeing me in class anymore.

But you're for killing innocent babies. That's interesting.

But, actually, funny story. Turns out the dickhead didn't actually get all of our money.

But, Charlie, you were stealing from the bar. It was an honest mistake.

But, just to be clear, when you say your sister, do you mean your sister or your friend

Buying toys, are you?

Bye.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Can I talk to you in back for a second?

Can we please get out of here? Let's go.

Canary No, I was just I didn't expect to see you guys here.

Cancer gold mine.

Carmen, you have the most amazing body. Are you bulimic, or what?

Charlie has cancer.

Charlie, I don't like you. I never liked you.

Charlie, I don't think I can do this. I'm not kidding.

Charlie, is this true?

Charlie, that was the coolest thing you've ever done!

Charlie, the E.M.T. said he had a heart attack, not Ebola.

Charlie, what in the hell are you gonna do if this kid's yours?

Charlie, you gotta stop, honestly.

Charlie!

Charlie! Jesus Christ! Are you almost 30? Are you almost 30 years old?

Charlie! That's my sister.

Charlie's been in love with that girl for months.

Charlie's right though. He should have at least had a say in the matter.

Charlie's using you to prove that he's not racist. Then he asked me out on a date.

Check.

Class is in session. The teacher's teachin' class now!

Come here and sit down.

Come here. A little closer. Come here.

Come on, come on. Come here, come here.

Come on, Dennis. You remember what it was like in high school.

Come on, guys. Hey. Let's go. Let's go!

Come on! This place sucks! I wanna go to the mall!

Come on. A lot of people lead perfectly normal lives in nursing homes.

Come on. Oh, come on.

Come on. You're gonna be fine.

Convince you to sleep with our friend Charlie.

Cool. Stewie.

Could I get the the basketball though?

Could we think about that for one second?

Dee Dee, will you just Can we go to the mall? Will you drive me?

Dee, I gotta know.

Den, you don't understand the week I've been having.

Dennis, come here.

Dennis, I don't have time to talk to you about this.

Dennis, let's go get us a gun.

Dennis, maybe you need to rethink this whole plan of yours.

Dennis, our bar is in South Philly in a scary alley.

Dennis, you are such a jackass!

Dennis.

Dickhead!

Did you see Passion of the Christ? I saw it 12 times.

Didn't expect to see you here.

Didn't Fingers already get robbed?

Do not compare me to Mac and Charlie.

Do some snoopin' around, try to crack the case. We got the gun.

Do we have to do this right now?

Do you know what I mean, Hwang, when I say I have my ways?

Do you play bones, Charlie?

Do you really think they're gonna buy one?

Do you think this guy would be dumb enough to rob the same bar twice?

Do you want to play? I could get you a game.

Domino, bitch!

Don't answer that. It's a trick question. He tries to get in your head.

Don't be silly. It was all hands.

Don't do this right now.

Don't get me wrong. Tammy's, like, the prettiest girl in school...

Don't worry about it. Yeah, any time.

Don't you think it's ridiculous that you have no friends outside of your own race?

Dream of me.

Dude, have you ever been to a nursing home?

Dude, N O.

Dude, you just laid it on way too thick back there.

Dude, your sister has the worst taste in men.

Dude. That was that girl Sara, the one from the bar the other night...

Dumb enough to listen to her bitch about her ex boyfriend all night!

Eat the damn candy!

Eighteen's legal, bro. This isn't a morality contest.

Eighteen's not young, brother.

Emotions are running very high around here today

End scene.

Even Sweet Dee's getting lucky!

Every asshole on South Street's wearing a T shirt with an ironic slogan on it.

Every last poor, miserable, precious soul...

Every time some guy talks to you that you like...

Everyone's nervous their first time. But I promise you...

Excuse me, bro. Can you give me a second?

Excuse me.

Finally...

Fine.

Fine. Give me the gun. Fine. Yes. I'll hold the gun. Okay.

First of all, I don't even know which one of these things I would unplug.

First of all, I don't have time since, apparently...

First of all, that's rude. And that has nothing to do with what I'm talking about.

First of all, we need to open the bar. We got robbed.

First.

Follow my lead. I'm the leader.

For me to take this from you would be an extension of that.

For these kids to be kids.

Four drink maximum. Like, that's it. You know what I mean?

Fresh air! Have a seat! Sit down! Fresh air!

From my acting class.

Geez, I don't think that's such a good idea.

Gentle soul actually.

Gentlemen, I understand my services have been requested.

Get me some more! Get me some more! Let's go! Load 'em up!

Get up, old man. This isn't the American Legion. Wake up!

Give it to me. Give it

Give me a call.

Give me a second. Charlie was lying the whole time.

Give me some eyes! Look at me! Cool your jets!

Goddamn it.

Goddamn it.

Goddamn money by the end of the month, okay?

Good protection. I, uh I keep one on me all the time.

Good, man.

Good. Nice. Really nice feel to it.

Great for you. You You must be really proud of yourself.

Great.

Great. Fine. Thank you. [Shouts]

Great. How?

Gross.

Gross.

Guess you guys don't have too many brothers walking through here.

Guns are not a good idea. They're dangerous. Someone's gonna get hurt.

Guys, this is Terrell...

Guys! Guys! We're not gonna get anywhere yelling at each other!

Hand all down the back of her pants.

Have a nice life, asshole.

Have you guys seen this?

He finds out where the safes are. He finds out how to get in.

He gets really flustered and he clams up and his third grade stutter comes back.

He got AI DS?

He had it!

He hung up.

He is a moron, dude. He'll be there.

He just opens up his mouth and says...

He loved those guys.

He loves Mexicans.

He needs people around him. He shouldn't be alone.

He wants me to take all this shit to him so he can be, like, buried in it or something.

He was supposed to be here hours ago.

He went through a really bad breakup, and he just needed me to be there for him.

He woos them with his charm and his good looks.

He's a bit of a handful.

He's a good guy. He's just... got a bit of a drinking problem.

He's fine.

He's totally gonna bang your sister.

Hello, Steven.

Hello, sweet prince. [Giggling]

Hello.

Hello.

Hello. Excuse me, Mac. My date has arrived.

Here's the thing though... about cancer.

Hey oh!

Hey, bud. If you wanna back out now, be my guest.

Hey, Carmen!

Hey, Dee. Are you with Colin right now?

Hey, Dee. Are you with Colin right now?

Hey, Dee. Yeah, listen.

Hey, Dennis! Could you help me with this keg, please?

Hey, do you have that basketball?

Hey, guess what. I have a surprise for you.

Hey, guys! [Giggling]

Hey, guys! A man died here yesterday. His family just abandoned him.

Hey, guys.

Hey, hey, hey. I gotta go, dude. I'll see you guys at the bar.

Hey, hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey, is your friend gonna be doin' stuff like this?

Hey, let's go. Oh, my Je Oh, my God. He shit his pants, Dee.

Hey, listen to me. We are not shooting anybody tonight.

Hey, Mac. It's Dennis.

Hey, pretty boy.

Hey, Sis. I'm gonna jet.

Hey, there's a guy on the fence.

Hey, uh, look, man.

Hey, we should have a pre prom party.

Hey, what the hell do you guys want?

Hey, what's going on up here?

Hey, yo, Carmen!

Hey, your face looks, uh, like, poofy.

Hey! Guess what, Dee. You're gonna love this. No, no, no.

Hey! Hey! They're coming after us!

Hey. Fancy seeing you here.

Hmm, that would be somewhere in this vicinity over here.

Hmm, that's weird. She looks Mexican.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm. I don't know. I'd have to check.

Hold on one minute.

Holy shit!

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

How 'bout this?

How about that game against Dallas...

How am I attacking your ability to I just don't get it.

How could there not be any leads? The guy must have left something behind.

How could you let this happen, Charlie?

How could you not tell me you were gay?

How I embarrassed your boyfriend in front of everybody? You like that?

How much will you give us for it?

How would you like to make 20 bucks?

How you doin'? Dennis! What's goin' on?

How's that ass feelin'?

How's that ass feelin'?

Huh, bitch? Yeah! Is that stupid enough for you?

Huh? I'm sorry.

Huh. I know that game.

Hundred and 11, hundred and 12, hundred and 1 3

Hwang is all over my ass because of rent.

Hwang! Hey! Wait!

Hwang. You're just in time, buddy.

I I had it all worked out, all right?

I actually got a couple of services I'd like to request.

I always knew that they'd wind up together, 'cause they're, like, so perfect for each other.

I am cuttin' 'em off. These kids haven't had more than three drinks each.

I came prepared.

I can't believe that someone as gorgeous as you can be so down to earth.

I can't believe you guys are making me do this.

I can't believe you left a dead guy in the bar overnight. So I guess we're even.

I can't do this! Tommy's not your son.

I can't get the goddamn

I can't wait too long! Hwang not patient!

I can't, dude. I'm in the middle of something.

I could tell you some stories about your grandfather that you would not believe.

I dabble.

I didn't get to go when I was in high school. It might actually be fun.

I didn't recognize you without all your acne.

I didn't say that!

I didn't say that!

I don't I don't think so.

I don't care what you're doing. Get over here right now! It's an emergency!

I don't have it.

I don't know. Hey. You. How old are you?

I don't know. Think about it.

I don't need you to kill me. I need you to help me.

I don't really have any convictions.

I don't really wanna join your little freak show. Just looking for some information.

I don't think getting Charlie laid is gonna help his cancer problem.

I don't think he was implying that you guys are all related. That's ridiculous.

I don't think we have much of a choice. We need to do this.

I don't understand how you could possibly be so

I don't wanna help you get that waitress to sleep with Charlie.

I don't want to be plugging anybody's holes.

I don't want to own a gay bar anymore.

I don't want to shoot anyone, Sweet Dee!

I feel focused and I feel badass and just, um...

I finally find someone who's perfect, and she'll practically work for free.

I give up. You won. You're the better man

I got it.

I got some Rice Krispie treats in the fridge. You want some more of those?

I guess I was a little curious, you know. I mean, he's my grandfather.

I guess I'm just a sweet guy.

I guess you're gonna be going to the picnic then at Fairmount Park.

I had the craziest dream last night that I was in Cleveland, Ohio...

I had the craziest dream last night that I was in Cleveland, Ohio...

I had to, man. You gotta make the first move.

I hate dead baby fetuses, you know?

I hate listening to people's dreams. It's like flipping through a stack of photographs.

I hate players. All right. I'm sorry. I'm getting fired up here.

I hate them because they're dead, and they shouldn't be.

I hate you, Charlie.

I have a little bit of a crush, yes. But obsessed? That's a bit of a harsh word.

I hope Charlie didn't do anything stupid.

I I just meant I thought you meant more of a

I I'll make myself available as well.

I I've been waiting...

I just I really love that sign. I wondered that so many times.

I just don't have it. But I'm gonna get it...

I just had to know for sure.

I just thought for, like, one second that you might be the one

I just want this whole night to be so special.

I knew him pretty well.

I know it. There's, like, no way that this is possible.

I know that, man. You don't grab.

I know that. But I don't wanna get blood stains all over the interior of my car.

I know that. You know what? Come with me and pretend you're my girlfriend.

I know you were hanging out with that high school kid from the bar.

I know, man. I don't know what happened. I mentioned the cancer thing.

I know, you guys, but I just am so nervous.

I know! Like a princess.

I know. I feel so lucky that this thing even fits still.

I know. I'm gonna be sick.

I know. What is he, like, 40?

I learned a lot in my theater and psych classes about the human nature

I like the whole hippie thing.

I like what I'm seeing here!

I lost my job at the Wawa.

I love that guy. "I took him to the back alley"?

I made $300 last night. How much did you make?

I mean my sister.

I mean, I'm not very comfortable with that.

I mean, Tammy's great and all. I just wasn't feeling it, you know?

I mean, we'd get kicked out of some bar, and what did we do, Den?

I mean, you you you could

I meant those people in there, not all black people. What am I supposed to say?

I met a girl at one of these organizations who is a freak.

I met this guy in acting class. He's really cool, and he wants to see where I work.

I need a date for the prom, and I want you to take me.

I need you to pick it up and bring it here.

I need your help.

I placed a couple of bad investments. It could happen to anyone, right?

I plan to call the police the minute you guys leave my office.

I saw him a week ago with Wendy from Dirty Frank's.

I see you brought some of my grandfather's friends.

I shake it.

I shake it. I shake it. I sha

I still kind of wish you didn't shoot me.

I think it's a good idea.

I think it's really smart.

I think it's time we took matters into our own hands.

I think next time you boys ought to get the kind of safe...

I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.

I think they're gross. It's their hands mostly

I think this is actually gonna be pretty great.

I think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever met in my entire life.

I thought you meant, like, a drink at a bar.

I told them I'd just, you know, zip in and zip out.

I totally killed it. I always knew that I'd be good at this stuff.

I wanted to give you this.

I was What are you listening to?

I was at Lionel's house, making him dinner.

I was eight.

I was gonna make it look like all the other robberies going on around town.

I was just Because he could mean his friend or his

I was just leaving actually.

I was only going out with Rachel to get closer to you."

I was quoting a friend of mine who also happens

I was quoting that movie, you know, Apocalypse Now. "Napalm in the morning."

I was the only one bartending! He must have been takin' sips out of people's beers.

I was thinking we could do that whole Coyote Ugly theme.

I was thinking what you were saying the other day..

I went out with tons of guys in high school.

I will always win in these circumstances.

I will one up you. I'm sharper than you.

I will smash your face into a into a jelly!

I won't be able to pay my bills!

I, uh I just wanted to see where he spent his last night

I'd like you to take a look at the lovely young African American woman...

I'd rather watch you shoot the gun here.

I'll blow you for $10.

I'll go get the coffee. What would you like?

I'll slide the gun meaningfully into the front of my pants

I'll tell you a story about him.

I'll tell you what. I'll go with you...

I'm a musical theater actor living in Philadelphia. I didn't think it was that big a secret.

I'm an old man, Dennis.

I'm coming! All right. Hang on a second there.

I'm going to get your...

I'm gonna fight for the right to choose.

I'm gonna get a beer. You want one? Great.

I'm gonna get this asshole to hit Paddy's again.

I'm gonna have to start bartending full time.

I'm gonna march up to that waitress, tell her that he has cancer. All right?

I'm gonna poke him with this.

I'm gonna put these out on the tables.

I'm gonna tell my mom you took me to a black people's house.

I'm gonna try my luck over there.

I'm guessing you acquired this through illegal means.

I'm in charge of putting together a memorial service for him...

I'm just a small town girl...

I'm just a small town girl...

I'm just puttin' in my time, you know?

I'm not goin' to the park.

I'm not gonna take it no more!

I'm not pregnant. It was a test.

I'm not the asshole. You guys are the ones that just got dumped on prom night.

I'm perfectly aware of what time it is. Thank you, Mom.

I'm pregnant!

I'm serious, man. You shouldn't be playing around with guns.

I'm so glad you guys came.

I'm sorry. Are you doing another scene? I I

I'm sorry. Do you see any representatives from the board of health here?

I'm sorry. We're closed.

I'm telling you, this is the wrong kind of glue, Charlie.

I'm the one who's supposed to feel better about myself. I'm going with you.

I'm the only one who does anything around here anymore.

I'm thinkin' about goin' on welfare!

I've been coming on to you for weeks now.

I've been there, like, 200 times.

Idiots.

If I'm not in any of'em and nobody's having sex, I just I don't care.

If that log was trying to rob the place, you would have killed it.

If that's okay. Mac, did you prepare

If we're gonna play Frank and Joe Hardy

If you could toss that back our way, that'd be great.

If you guys are going, I'm going. I'm not staying here.

If you guys remember, one of the major reasons we got this bar was to get laid.

If you lowered your standards a bit, you'd get laid more. Give me a sip of this.

If you're good today, I'm gonna buy you...

Illegal, or maybe a little bit immoral.

In case something like this happens again.

In the spirit of Christ.

Is 'cause you sold us all weed.

Is an important part of what makes this country great.

Is an inevitable part of life.

Is he Is that Are you joking?

Is that coffee gonna help you forget that elephant you slept with last night?

Is that soy veggie health drink supposed to erase the damage...

Is that true?

Is there a bathroom around here?

Is there a bathroom around here?

Is this a bad time?

Is this about that waitress at the coffee shop, dude?

Is to shake it.

Is to shake it.

It all makes sense. Colin goes around town...

It can be.

It goes Uh, stick it back in

It has everything to do with it.

It really works for you.

It totally worked. It totally I don't know what you said, but we went out on this date.

It was Christmas Eve last year and, uh..

It was not my fault. I was working behind the bar.

It was unbelievable. I ran all the way here. Go.

It wasn't that long ago that we were in the same position as these youngsters, right?

It's

It's a sad, throwaway culture we live in

It's all about who's making the plans and

It's all of our jobs. We could get into a lot of trouble for this.

It's always the biggest asshole that winds up accosting her.

It's gotta be pretty important, right?

It's just that Mac and Sweet Dee are down in the car waitin' for me.

It's just we're supposed to meet, like, a bunch of people...

It's nobody's choice. It should be left up to God.

It's not I don't have the gun fever, man.

It's not It's not a question of individual style. It's about having some taste.

It's not a thing to walk away about. Whatever.

It's not gonna be a problem. I knew a lot of his friends. Good guys.

It's not gonna be hard for me.

It's not just her decision. The man should get a vote.

It's okay! It's okay, everybody!

It's supposed to be here to protect the bar.

It's that they don't like you. You know why?

Janell Jenkins. She's got a hell of a right hand.

Jesus, Dennis. This is just goddamn shady.

Jesus, dude. I don't know what to say.

****. Um, maybe I should go and check on Dee, because

Just give me it. I'll call the black girl. Okay?

Just give me the wallet! Give me the wallet!

Just like high school.

Just to find out...

Just to find out...

Just watchin' a basketball game.

Just, uh I was doing some thinking and, you know

Kind of a lame party, bro.

L Look at this!

Later, gator.

Lemon Hill? That's where all the cool kids used to go.

Let him die and burn in hell, right? Let's sell this shit on eBay.

Let me go get something, and I'll fix it.

Let me talk to you about your money for a second.

Let's clean up the mess and act like it never happened.

Let's find a girl for Charlie someone to be there for him...

Let's go get a beer.

Let's just go. Let's just go.

Let's just hope nobody got hurt.

Let's just say it found its way to us and leave it at that, shall we?

Let's put the spirit into action. Let's go down to the mission."

Let's, uh, just take it slow.

Lionel Keane

Lionel Keane.

Lionel said, "Great. That's a great idea, Dennis."

Lionel the lion.

Listen, dude, I'm legal...

Listen, I got you some new CDs.

Listen, I wanted to ask you a favor.

Listen, ifTerrell delivers half of what he promises, we're looking at 200 people.

Listen, it's one thing at the bar, you know, where we have control over you guys.

Listen, um, you mind stepping outside with me for a second, man?

Listen, we water down the drinks, jack up the prices.

Listen. Let me tell you something with absolute honesty and concern for your well being.

Listen. Listen. The important thing is that you are all right.

Load 'em up, losers! What do you think about this, huh?

Look at that!

Look, I'm coming in to work later. I'll bring it with me.

Look. The girl she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet.

Lot of dudes.

Mac and I were about to go play in the park. I think you

Mac was very popular. And I like to think I was pretty popular myself.

Mac, if you will.

Mac, isn't that your cousin Brett by the jukebox?

Mac, you are so pathetic.

Mac? Stop talkin'.

Maybe I'll give you a call sometime.

Maybe if you weren't such a jerk, someone might have asked you.

Maybe we have "a social responsibility" to provide a safe haven...

Maybe you did it to get laid. I got a little something I like to call business ethics.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm. All right. Yeah, you too. Bye.

Mm hmm. This would be the coolest thing that anyone's ever done for us.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

More importantly, how are you?

More than you know.

Move. Oh, this place is a shit hole, Charlie. It smells.

My back brace was under the dress, and Mom called me fat.

My brother, he was supposed to pick up the keg, but he bailed on me.

My eyesight's not so good.

My friend's gettin' a... blood test.

My name is Rebecca Keane. I was notified that my grandfather died here last night.

My sister goes to Temple, so I got the hookup over there.

Nay.

No drinking and driving. No one's gonna crash Nicky Potnik's car.

No goddamn way.

No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy.

No shit.

No shit. I hate that guy. He's like a full on '80s movie stereotype.

No way!

No, he's fine. It turns out itjust kind of grazed his head.

No, I know it. You were throwing yourself on him!

No, I thought about that though. I think it's, like...

No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis, Book Two, Verse Three?

No, it's okay. I've got a hair appointment in, like, 20 minutes.

No, leave her be. I'm sure she'll be fine.

No, no, no, Dee. Do not leave me here alone. 'Cause I can't

No, no, no, no Oh Oh, please, please, dude. You're not listening to me.

No, no, no, no, no. Are you drunk? Don't be drunk.

No, no, no, no. I feel better than good.

No, no, no. Dee's right. Let's think about this.

No, no, no. If we sell it, we run the risk of going to jail.

No, no! He's getting away!

No, no. Pop Pop, it's just me. I thought that...

No, nothing. I don't think they're taking this seriously on any level, dude.

No, that's not what I meant. Hold on a second. I meant that you two actually are.

No, this is a great time. We were just We

No, we can't go. We came all the way down here. Let's just

No, we were happy. But then Dennis had an experiment, and he wants to go back to normal.

No, we're not. Hey. How you doing?

No, why don't you come closer so I can get a good look at you?

No, you idiot!

No, you're leading them on. You're not gay, you're just really vain.

No, you're right. This isn't working.

No! No! No! Give me the stick! Give me the stick!

No! Wait Wait Wait a second! Wait! Oh.

No! What in the hell is your problem?

No? Oh, come on.

No? Oh, come on.

No.

No.

No. Actually, just looking for some info on the Bible, Jesus, that kind of thing.

No. All right. You're twisting words here and, like, gettin' cute.

No. Don't turn this around. Wait.

No. He's not my He's not my boyfriend.

No. I feel nauseous. I think I'm gonna go. I'm gonna run.

No. I mean, I told them not to...

No. I work out, like, every day.

No. No, no, no, no. Dude.

No. No, no, no. No. Leave. Leave. Go.

No. The one with the exposed midriff and the cans.

No. Yeah, it's I found out I might have cancer, so ooh.

Nobody wants to hear that.

Nothing, or

Nothing.

Notice the stitching and fine attention to detail.

Now I'm gonna have to go into remission or something so they don't think I was lying.

Now, just to clarify, when you say "sister," you mean

Of course they are. They haven't realized how much life sucks yet.

Of course they're not, dude. This is exactly what I'm talking about.

Of course. Well, listen, if you ever wanna stop by, you know...

Oh, a coffee shop.

Oh, and and these teeth.

Oh, bullshit. You don't care about the money. You just like the attention.

Oh, come on, Sis. We need you.

Oh, come on. It'll be a blast.

Oh, come on. You don't have to be so judgmental.

Oh, Dee! Come here. Let me take a look at you.

Oh, dude, are you kidding me? This is gonna be awesome.

Oh, God. [Groans]

Oh, great! Great. I told you not to tell anyone!

Oh, he looks shady.

Oh, hey. How are you?

Oh, I don't know. I'll probably, uh, kill myself.

Oh, I don't wanna know that.

Oh, I forgot to tell you. That didn't work out.

Oh, Jesus! He doesn't even look like a real person.

Oh, mama.

Oh, man! Ah, they did it. They got what they wanted.

Oh, my Oh, my God. What did you say to that?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Charlie, I shot you in your head. I am so sorry.

Oh, my God! I think you broke my nose!

Oh, my God! Stop making a scene!

Oh, my God. You're as delusional as Mac and Charlie.

Oh, no. He had to meet someone at Fingers Bar, huh?

Oh, no. He had to meet someone at Fingers Bar, huh?

Oh, no. I like it. [Chuckles]

Oh, no. Sorry. I totally forgot. He's a terrible public speaker.

Oh, no. You know what? It's a dude. Yeah, she has a penis. So it's okay.

Oh, not too much.

Oh, nothing. Only I just solved all of our problems.

Oh, now I remember how beautiful you are.

Oh, oh, no, no, no. You know what? I was gonna leave.

Oh, oh, the gun. Yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.

Oh, okay, sure. I could do that.

Oh, shit!

Oh, that's great.

Oh, this is so lame!

Oh, Trey, that is so sad.

Oh, um, I just came by myself.

Oh, well, if you're going, I'm going then, I guess.

Oh, well, you know. I mean, if you really wanna see hard core

Oh, who is that?

Oh, yeah. My only grandson finally come to see me. Come close.

Oh, yeah. No, absolutely. Actually, I've got a little something prepared.

Oh, yeah. That might be difficult to do actually.

Oh, yeah. That's cool. Anything, yeah.

Oh, yeah. We're lookin' real good over here, bro.

Oh, yeah. Well, you gotta feel it.

Oh, you can't actually, because it's just supposed to be me and him.