It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - Season 12 Edit

A Abby...

A genius whose fate is controlled by an idiot?

A gifted child who should be treasured.

A little bit touchy for me to say,

A little more like... ♪ The Hot Chick, The Change Up ♪

A man, uh, you know, that Frank came

A urine delivery system

Aah!

Aah! Aah, my back!

Aah! Aah!

Abby.

Abby.

Abigail! What is going on in here?

About their buttholes, okay?

Actually, no. You know what?

Ah, the sun's just blasting me

Ah, we're free!

AIDS, coming through. AIDS, AIDS...

AIDS, I got AIDS. I got AIDS, we're coming through.

AIDS!

AIDS! Everybody out.

All aboard. Chug a chug a toot toot.

All right, all right, but let me do the talking,

All right, how can I explain this? Um...

All right, it's not a great analogy,

All right, now I bet you guys are wondering what's going on

All right, so let's let's figure this out, soon.

All right, well, good luck with that 'cause you got, like,

All right, well, that's great. We don't give a shit,

All right!

All right? That being said, it is difficult to decipher

All right.

All right. I'm going for it. I'm just pulling on one of 'em.

All right. Okay, yeah.

And as somebody who's been down that road,

And brought to Dee's apartment to, uh,

And check the back door, actually, 'cause sometimes...

And I have some questions.

And I was looking for... Okay.

And I, for one, have no intention

And it's all free, too, if you know how to get it.

And just want to thank you again

And raw dog the shit out of it!

And that cuts back on the excess

And the song helped.

And there's no way we're gonna figure this out

And while black people may not feel like it,

And you haven't given me any money.

And, um, help him out, you know?

Anything for my little...

Are we in a dream? Do we got, we got to, like,

Are you kidding me?

Are you serious?

At this point it does feel like the path of least resistance.

Aw, screw it. Try it.

Based upon whether or not we have stuff in our pockets.

Because we've been learning lessons left and right,

Because, you know, guys like Z, they don't like strangers.

Because..

Before you go,

Being a black person in America, you know?

Besides, it's triple laminated.

Blacula, like a black vampire.

But are they gonna look like us, though?

But he didn't know it unless he saw his reflection.

But I don't mean to, I'm sorry.

But I'll tell you what, you know what the first thing I need to do is?

But I'm telling you, like I said,

But listen to me.

But only in our reflections.

But Sherman can chew through it!

But you get my point.

But, dude, I think we've got bigger problems on our hands.

But, I mean, I don't know why it took 'em so long to realize

But, uh, you know, black people...

But, you know, you got to...

Can I please have $20?

Can you just move past it like they did?

Can you put it down for a sec, so we can talk?

Car 559, responding to robbery in progress.

Chew like you've never chewed before.

Children, did you find him?

Children, did you find him?

Church people.

Clearly, yeah, that's what's happening.

Come on, Abigail, let's go.

Come on. Ah, this friggin' dome's like a magnifying glass.

Cover that butthole, kid!

Dad!

Daddy, Daddy, can I borrow $20?

Dee, if God put the sun there,

Didn't work.

Die horrifically?

Do do the Quantum Leap thing. See that thing through, in case

Do not go near the pool drains,

Do not panic, that's the worst thing you can do.

Do not put your genitals or your butthole

Do you guys remember that electronics store

Does this mean you didn't learn your lesson?

Don't force the Wiz thing.

Don't kid yourself about the water, buddy.

Don't question him; we need God!

Don't steal our leap.

Don't you do it, Dee! Don't you do it!

Drowning. Kind of ironic,

Dude, can I admit something to you?

Dude, you... you have to stop. And you have to stop. I mean...

Dude. That could be...

Ever since her mom...

Every ride!

Excuse me?

Find Reggie Williams.

Fine. Fine, Scott.

For a lot less than that, hon.

For all the work your parish has done

For being the first adult to actually give a shit about me.

For children with leukemia,

Forget how. We're past that.

Frank. Look at this!

Freeze! Get on the ground!

From the insufferable prison of motherhood.

Get him through, I can get him.

Get your mouth to this bracelet and chew!

Go away. Come back when we're open.

Go home! Go home! Go home!

Go home! Wake up!

Go home. It's morning. You know the routine.

Go home. Or wherever the hell it is you go during the day.

Go, Sherman, chew!

Go.

Go.

Go.

Go.

God didn't put the sun anywhere.

Goddamn it, Sherman, I ordered you not to pee!

Goddamn it!

Got to get back out there and live life...

Got to kind of rock the car a little bit. Wiggle it down?

Guess we got that in common, huh, kid?

Guys, I gotta take a poop.

Guys, I think we found ourselves in a Quantum Leap

Guys, I think we really are in The Wiz.

Guys?

Half the things you did today.

Has anyone seen my son?

Has nothing to...

He got it from a gay guy in the '80s.

He probably does have priors. You prob...

He right over there laying.

He wants me to learn a lesson from his dream.

He wants when somebody's looking right at him.

He's calling the cops 'cause he thinks we're insane people.

He's definitely calling the cops.

He's got a gun!

He's, uh, about... this tall; he has...

He's, uh, old, and, uh, um...

Her prolapsed anus and chewed herself to freedom.

Here I go.

Here we go, here we go, here we go!

Here we go.

Here, I... I want you to have it.

Hey, go for it, go, go, go!

Hey, guys, guys, guys.

Hey, Hollywood.

Hey, open up! We need your help! Open the door!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Hey! Suck on that, river rat!

Hey. So we were right?

Hey. What's all the hubbub about over there?

Hi. Off duty, of course.

Hmm? What the hell's a Quantum Leap?

Hmm. Although I still do suspect that we were arrested

Holy shit, what have I done? Um, okay, look,

Honestly, I want to thank you for everything.

Hot food, cold beer, bikini'd women seeking relief

How come he can cut to the front?

How is this happening?

How much does this guy sleep? Is he a cat?

How would that work?

How would you even describe something like that?

Huh.

I apologize about any inconvenience

I appear to be a guy named Reggie Williams.

I can maneuver his body pretty easily.

I can't ever tell which way is north on a map.

I can't get any actual leverage on it.

I can't...

I don't give a shit.

I don't have a daughter.

I don't know if I'm gonna be able to hold it much longer.

I don't know, Ziggy? They don't...

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't want to have to sing that song again.

I don't, I don't know how to describe him.

I feel like that's the nicest the police have ever treated me.

I gave Frank a couple hickeys

I gave you $20 to buy whatever you wanted.

I got AIDS!

I got some boy to give me this.

I got to cancel my credit card, 'cause this Reggie guy might have it, you know?

I grabbed Dee's VCR, 'cause I'm thinking

I had the craziest dream.

I hate this goddamn water park!

I haven't paid to get in here since I was 14.

I I didn't mean us, I meant them.

I I'm a vagina guy.

I just feel it. We're just gonna find Old Man.

I just forgot I was wearing them!

I know, I know, but we needed to start at the northmost point

I mean, I can't think of a better way to have a movie night

I mean, I think we're experiencing something

I mean, it's very difficult

I mean, look, this may be

I mean, really, our lives aren't all that different.

I mean, that that's not on the map... what ride is that?

I mean, they they've always mattered,

I mean, what about the whole, like, Black Lives Matter thing?

I mean, you pulled off the AIDS thing.

I really appreciate everything that you do.

I said I'd kiss him if he met me in the parking lot.

I see the road you're headed down:

I tell the burger stand

I think it's still, I think it's still unclear.

I think they're actually enjoying this shit!

I think we're in the respite of a musical,

I thought you said

I try to take her to fun places like this.

I usually just swipe a burger

I was really worried about that.

I would see that. I would see that

I, uh, I'm black.

I'd like to report a disturbance.

I'm done with you.

I'm his doctor, my patient's got to get

I'm hungry, Daddy.

I'm hungry, I'm starving,

I'm never gonna get through this crap.

I'm not gonna go try and sit on it.

I'm peeing on your shoulder right now.

I'm saying it's not my wallet.

I'm, uh, I'm black and I, I'm a friend of Frank's.

I've been working constantly for 30 years, okay?

If she were born in China, she...

If she were born in...

If we can get Sherman's mouth

If you were born in China,

In Boyz n the Hood.

Interesting.

Is Frank your father?

Is that Abby's brother?

Is that blood?

Is we intimidated him 'cause we're black.

It is happening. It just is.

It seems that even though we have our own clothes,

It turns light red at the slightest hint of piss.

It'll be open in a few weeks.

It's all good, it's all good.

It's an issue of aerodynamics, really.

It's at the top.

It's called The Wiz! Yes!

It's just not the same, okay?

It's just pooling up.

It's kind of tough out there right now for everybody.

It's not just that.

It's not working. How do you do it?

It's probably the only chance I got to say it.

It's so beautiful.

It's that. And the three of us,

It's the only thing we haven't tried.

It's Thunder Gun, man. No hesitation.

It's totally dry.

It's, uh, Thunder Gun Express.

Jesus Christ!

Just kind of slide the window down...

Just want to be 100% sure.

Just... I feel like whoever zapped us here is probably listening.

Keep up.

Kid, kid, kid, listen. Come here.

Kiddie Twis... Oh, shit!

Kiddie Twister!

Kiddie Twister!

Learn a lesson from your dream?

Let a little sunshine back into her life

Let go of me!

Let me fix your VCR.

Let me tell you something:

Let's go before we get busted, okay?

Let's go before we get caught.

Let's not go there, man.

Let's split up, okay? Y You two,

Lie back down.

Like it did to that one kid back in '96.

Like the girl in the pool drain

Like the movie?

Like the Scarecrow in The Wiz.

Like, we'll stick him in a nursing home or something.

Listen, I'm a social worker,

Look at this... the VCR's toast.

Look, how are we gonna get in your car without your keys?

Look, that was just a TV character. I'm an actor.

Looking for you.

Mac. Stop talking to children

Maybe if we get this thing fixed, we can get shocked again

Maybe we got to bring the VCR there.

Mm hmm. Oh, yeah, he's adorable.

Mmm.

Mom, can I have a slushy?

My back!

My dad's a cop!

My God!

My pockets are empty. Oh! Maybe the lesson

My son.

My vial is blood red.

Near the pool drain. You got it?

Nice.

****a, you talking about Old Black Man.

No matter how alluring it is,

No matter how good you might think they feel on your butt.

No one's thinking about that at all.

No one's thinking about that, man.

No, but it's not, it's, it's not open yet.

No, I can't.

No, I'm stuck, wait!

No, it's just squeezing me further into the stuck!

No, no, no, no, no. Stop, stop, stop, stop.

No, please, take it.

No, we're not saying that.

No, what do you mean? You earned that.

No, you need a raft! You need a raft!

No?

No. You know why he's calling the cops?

No... What?

Not me, I had my bracelet laminated in the '90s.

Nothing.

Now, are those older guys your friends?

Now, she had to chew through her intestines

Now, why don't you tell your mom

Of '80s television where Scott Bakula

Of course they are!

Of how we can ingratiate ourselves to them.

Of stepping foot in any of it.

Of the park, right?

Off ♪

Off some dumb ass family while they're not looking.

Officer Dennis Reynolds.

Oh, a great show from the coke fueled era

Oh, boy.

Oh, Charlie! Charlie!

Oh, Christ, does every single one of these kids have the flu?

Oh, Christ, I'm singing again.

Oh, come on.

Oh, daughter, yeah.

Oh, Ethan is here with a special program

Oh, good, 'cause it is bad news.

Oh, guys! I almost forgot.

Oh, hi there, what's your name?

Oh, I can get in, man. I've lost my keys before. You just

Oh, I have priors, too.

Oh, I peed as soon as we got in the slide.

Oh, it burns! It burns! It burns! It burns!

Oh, it's a simple lunch play.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Charlie! I can't believe I didn't think of this.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Did she...

Oh, my God. He's gone.

Oh, not like a gang gang, like a...

Oh, now, see, no. That bothers me.

Oh, oh.

Oh, right, that's the lesson we have to learn:

Oh, right.

Oh, right... this must sound weird.

Oh, shit, there it is! The Wiz!

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Oh.

Oh, shoot. That was racist.

Oh, stop! Don't don't say that out loud.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, that's our new slide.

Oh, they love every second of it!

Oh, unless he knows his dad.

Oh, well.

Oh, what?

Oh, yeah, if you flip it it's weird, man, yeah. I would see that.

Oh, yeah. That's my gang.

Oh! Black people are rich.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh, I see.

Okay, boss.

Okay, but we got to get unstuck before they send another kid

Okay, fine, let's just find the guy.

Okay, guys, I think I know what's happening here.

Okay, just get out, okay? Hmm?

Okay, well, get get the bracelet off.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Let's go find your guy.

Okay...

On Market Street? The Wiz?

On second thought, no.

One of these little stinkers yours?

Ooh. Man, that was, like, one Mississippi that time

Or they would've thrown you in a river,

Ow!

Ow!

Ow! Ow, Dee, I'm stuck!

Pinch ourselves or something?

Please take it.

Please.

Real police officer to security guard,

Reunited a family, and we're gonna, Yeah.

Right in the face.

Right? So let's talk fast be before

Right.

Screw you, nerd!

See ya.

See, an artist takes whatever he wants...

See, this is why the Chinese are destroying us.

See, we're not in a classic body switching movie, either,

Seems like it.

She never listens to me.

She's gonna be grounded for a month.

Sherman, did you pee?

Shit, what are we gonna do?

Shit!

Shit.

Shit. Okay, look, it's all right, all right, calm down, calm down.

Shut up, nerd!

Size requirement.

Sleep with a bunch of other people, and I...

Slide's for kids only.

So he skips to the front of the line.

So it's kind of a win win for everybody in this situation.

So what do you come to a water park for?

So what? Doesn't mean I want to watch Orlando Bloom

So you never forget me.

So you never forget me.

So...

So... Well, anyway, we just

Some big, fat kid's just gonna come blasting down on us.

Some hyperactive brat knocked my food on the ground,

Somebody shit all over the dining hall.

Sorry's not gonna cut it, Sherman,

Stop sending kids, nerd!

Supposed to make wild assumptions about black people

Switches bodies in The Wiz. Got to be something else.

Ten minutes of clean water and then every slide's basically

Th This is total discrimination.

Than in the middle of an electrical storm.

Thank you! Coming through.

Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thanks, Dennis.

Thanks. Well, I got to roll.

That black people will ruin your credit.

That doesn't fit into rhyme form.

That guy has AIDS!

That if you're an upstanding member of society,

That it was the gay AIDS.

That kid looks passed out, Dee.

That ought to work.

That their lives matter.

That they get their version? You know,

That won't work.

That you have terrible taste in movies.

That's a disappointing glimpse into your future.

That's a nice white man.

That's because the water's not even running through anymore.

That's goddamn AIDS blood?!

That's Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap.

That's what's happening,

That's... no good AIDS.

The fact that we're black is irrelevant.

The lying, the stealing, all of it.

The problem is it's already happening.

The show... I can't get away from it.

The slide's too small, the nerd was right.

The sun stays still; the Earth moves around it.

Then I swiped his wristband, so he can't get back in.

Then sit by the pool the rest of the day disease free.

Then the police will treat you with respect.

There you go. Hey, see?

There's AIDS blood in the pool!

There's no Wiz. It's just the name of the damn store.

There's probably a reason, okay?

There's the vagina AIDS and then the needle based AIDS.

There's two kind of AIDS...

These animals are, they're laughing!

They have a lot more opportunities these days.

They just, they just accepted it.

They never really clarified on Quantum Leap.

They replace it, no questions asked.

They should've sent a poet.

This is bullshit, man.

This is gonna keep happening, I think. Oh, God.

This is insane.

This is my watch.

This is not the gay AIDS.

This is slow, Charlie.

This is the exact same place where I found Old Black Man..

This is your jurisdiction.

This kid's got 25 bucks.

This movie sucks.

This one here?

This should be good, right?

This water's already infested

Those things will suck the intestines right out of you.

Three, two, one, go!

To do the Freaky Friday thing...

To this bracelet, we can get out of here.

Try to figure out whose bodies we switched with.

Try to touch me, and I'll scream "****."

Try to touch me, and I'll scream "****."

Ugh. Here we go with this.

Uh, come on, nerd.

Uh, I think it came through the electric blankets.

Uh, I think we gotta get another kid out.

Uh, it's a urine tester.

Uh, no, actually, that's the second thing.

Uh, oh, well, no, it's not The Wiz, because nobody

Uh, wait a sec...

Uh, well, sure, no, good point.

Uh...

Uh... okay. Just remain calm, all right?

Uh... Right. Oh, actually, no, Face/Off wouldn't work,

Uh... too. Uh...

Um, okay. Well, I got an idea

Um, sure.

Until we figure out what the rules are.

Us being at a water park,

Wait a minute, are you here helping somebody?

Wait, I already did that.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait a second, Dee.

Wait, what is this?

Wait, where are my keys?

Wait.

Wake up! Hey, go home! Go home.

Was a classic. Uh, don't you think it's fair, though,

We can't be sure, but, uh...

We can't do that dance anymore.

We get out of this stuff all the time.

We got to get going here.

We got to get to the top of that slide.

We got to get to the top of that slide.

We got to go! Get in there!

We gotta get these kids out of here.

We have access to the pockets of our reflections.

We just finished construction.

We need to have a conversation.

We reunited Old Black... Old Man with his wife.

We should've gone down the first slide we saw.

We were singing and talking about switching bodies and shit.

We'll go out and, um, we'll try

We're church blacks!

We're free!

We're gonna die in here with them!

We're gonna go in there, find our favorite ride,

We're gonna leap. We're gonna leap now.

We're just getting started.

We're never gonna zap back making these kind of...

We're pretty much... we're pretty much caught up.

We're pretty much... we're pretty much caught up.

We're saying bullshit to that.

We're supposed to learn is that black people are broke.

We're their kids!

We've been stuck in here forever!

Well, a lot of black guys say it.

Well, can you just fix this VCR for us, please? Yeah.

Well, guys, maybe we didn't keep our brains after all,

Well, hold on a second... the thing I was saying was that I

Well, I think you can get something to eat

Well, I'm, I'm still playing with it, though.

Well, it should be you, right?

Well, it's not free, you got to pay to get in.

Well, it's Old Black Man's night to pick the movie.

Well, look, look, look.

Well, maybe that's the lesson that we have to learn.

Well, not you're just stereotyping.

Well, Reverend, I see that you and the deacon are praying.

Well, that begs the question, Abigail:

Well, that's interesting.

Well, then you need to pay for these sunglasses.

Well, we did have a black president before the orange one.

Well, we were breaking into a car that wasn't ours.

Wh... Oh.

What about this one?

What am I supposed to do? How are you even holding your pee?

What are the rules?

What are the rules?

What are the rules?

What are you doing?

What are you guys doing? You guys doing a AIDS thing?

What are you talk... I'm just trying to figure out what the lesson is.

What country treasures their women?

What do you mean? Where you going?

What do you want? We're closed.

What happened to that? Do you still have it?

What in the hell is he talking about?

What is this ride over here?

What is wrong with you? Why are you...?

What the hell happened? Did we get struck by lightning?

What the hell is happening?

What the hell?

What the hell? What?

What?

What?

What? You mean nobody ever went after the guy for revenge?

What... what is that?

What's interesting?

What's up, my ****as?

When exactly we're being discriminated against. Yeah.

When I was your age, I couldn't have accomplished

When she got her anus stuck, she chewed through

When we get out of here, I'm gonna kill you!

When we turn white again, I'll stop paying the checks.

Where are you going with this, Frank?

Where have you been?

Where have you been? I've been worried sick about you.

Where people can get out the necessary information

Where's Old Black Man?

While watching The Wiz, and that'll send us back.

Who's going first?

Who's that? Who zapped us?

Whoa, hey, hey, guys!

Whoa!

Whoa! Hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doing?

Whoa. Oh...

Whoo hoo! Kiddie Twister!

Why are we black people?

Why are you looking for a chance to say it?

Why do a remake of The Wizard of Oz? I mean, the original

Why do we have to watch The Wiz?

Why does it have to be right there?

Why don't you leap on up to the third floor.

Why is it daylight outside?

Why why why should they get a pass?

Will you look at this place, Old Man?

With every parasite on the planet.

With the police athletic league.

Would blast us through.

Would cancel my credit card no matter what race the guy was.

Would leap into other people's bodies,

Wow.

Y You're in a gang?

Yeah, but he's asleep. Yeah, but, like...

Yeah, but if we send him down there, he might drown.

Yeah, but my mom said it's time to leave.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean there's not problems.

Yeah, but there's no water or anything yet,

Yeah, but you're not you.

Yeah, he's out cold, but I think

Yeah, I don't want to see that

Yeah, let's go, chop chop. Come on.

Yeah, like if I turn the map this way, now where is north?

Yeah, lot of pleasures to be had at the park, Frank.

Yeah, no shit!

Yeah, right now.

Yeah, right?

Yeah, that storm's, like, right on top of us, huh?

Yeah, that's... that's just... Don't make that assumption.

Yeah, the brochure says three days.

Yeah, the only thing we learned is

Yeah, this is an interesting new rule.

Yeah, we got electrocuted. Holy shit.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah!

Yeah! Oh, great!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Church... we're just church people.

Yeah. Don't steal our leap.

Yeah. It's kind of cool, though.

Yeah. Let's go. Come on. We'll see you later tonight.

Yeah. We'll see you, pal.

Yes, in just a minute.

Yes, you do. The girl that was just...

Yes! I see it now.

Yes! Yes, I think you're a genius.

Yes?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Yes... children?

You can afford that, right?

You deserve better.

You didn't get a piece of the show?

You do not sit on those!

You doing a fake daughter thing?

You don't get the sunglasses.

You got to roll with the punches, you know?

You know how hard it is to get all of our chains.

You know what the problem is? We don't know the rules.

You know what?

You know what? This has got to be our mission.

You know, because of the suction on your butthole?

You know, that said, I'm sorry I got us so lost.

You know, we can talk our way out of this.

You know? But I would also say that all lives matter, you know?

You really like that train, huh?

You said you couldn't rip through it.

You see, an artist takes whatever

You see, every second counts in the water park.

You sleep with him?

You think I'm a genius?

You want to be a thief or do you want to be an artist?

You want to stick around for a little while?

You were there. You were there. You all were singing.

You will not have to be living with that Dee person anymore.

You!

You?

You'd be the head of some factory by now.

You're blocking me.

You're broke.

You're gonna be fine. Trust me.

You're gonna get hurt

You're gonna want to see this.

You're like, "What's that rascal Charlie up to?"

You're not gonna be disease free;

You're right.

You've got real talent.

Your daughter is a special kid.

Your residuals ran out. I'm sorry.

Your stupid wrist band got us all jammed up.

Ziggy, now!

a little bit, though... A coat hangar somewhere.

A Thunder Gun ride? Yeah.

A Thunder Gun ride? Yeah.

Aah! Jesus. You'd think all the pressure

Absolutely not. Why? I'm black now.

Ah! Ah! Ow!

AIDS! Hey, man, go through.

AIDS... AIDS, AIDS!

All AIDS are bad. Well...

All right, all right. Okay.

All right, here we go. All right.

All right, let's go, let's go. Okay.

All right. Ready, Frankie!

And he's... And, uh...

And I think we're good. Let's roll.

and we're still not changing back. Really? Huh.

another song starts. Okay, so... Okay, that's a good idea.

Are you leaping? Oh, my God.

Back up. Here he comes. Ah.

Bakula. Bakula.

Because he has AIDS. I got the AIDS.

because that's a face switching movie. Yeah, no,

bomb down it once, Yeah.

But you went right to it... All right, you know what,

Carl. Ruth.

Coming through. Excuse us. What, what?