The Ben Stiller Show (1992) - Season 1 Edit

A couple of announcements here.

A criminal...

A delicious way to eat...

A diet? What kind of a diet?

A dream of making it

A faceless scribe, now out in front of the camera.

A glass of champagne! I am gonna put you in my pocket...

A guy who can't stop washing his hands. No one's done that.

A high strung, grand slam, scruffy faced, blind judge, groundstroke winner.

A joke now. Wait three months. This show's a hit!

A kiln? What is he baking?

A little place called Ik Hoy Van Joy, I think. Why?

A little... Maybe too much music for my taste, but, you know.

A Los Angeles man by the name of Doug Szathkey...

A lot of girls who I could... There are a lot of prospects out there.

A lot of people will tell you it's cool to take a drug trip.

A lot of us have to do things we don't want to.

A magical place where the objective is not to escape...

A part you chose to play, sir.

A place where velvet hills sweep out in all directions...

A shrewd response.

A silly late night talk show?

A talent scout from Pretentious Artists Records is gonna be here.

A tuba or a French horn. We don't know.

Absolutely, Neil.

Absolutely. You know, like, "What the, what the hey!"

Accident? There are no accidents. Don't give me that jive, Jack!

According to Mr. Janek's neighbors, the Gradshaws...

Across the country, modeling agencies send their best to Washington...

Actually, I've never really met him.

Actually, it's funny you should bring that up...

Actually, Pauly Shore's not bad. Teenagers need a new Ernest.

Actually, she's gonna meet me there by the snack stand.

Adam, you should have some fun with that one. Also, John Larroquette.

Advantage Agassi

Advantage Agassi.

Advantage Agassi.

Advantage Agassi.

After 400 shows, it had better.

After that, everything else is gravy. You're darn right.

Ah, Pierre. Women, they get impatient.

Ah, the museum! The museum reminds me of Cheryl.

Akeem. Tank. And Devin.

Alex, you are gonna make so much money.

All aboard!

All cay ow nay. All ajor may edit cray ards cay accepted!

All I can say is, good luck.

All I can say is, you know, if you have your blanket down...

All I'm saying is, you can't be here right now.

All of a sudden, I remembered:

All of a sudden...

All of you! I hate you! I can't take it! Oh, God!

All over. Turn around.

All right, do Shaggy from Scooby Doo. Come on.

All right, Flea, come on. All right.

All right, gang, cookie break.

All right, gentlemen. Why don't we just cool our jets for a second.

All right, go. Come on. Give me everything you got, man.

All right, here we go.

All right, ladies, time for love.

All right, let's go to our first piece.

All right, let's go to this, then. Look at that tattoo. There it is.

All right, now say, "Welcome to Fantasy Island."

All right, okay, listen.

All right, okay. We are back.

All right, so we're here. It's 10 6. Flea's winning by a couple points.

All right, then. Are there any questions?

All right, there you go. There's game.

All right, we're back, and you're still calling. How pathetic.

All right, what's going on here?

All right, why don't we go to this now?

All right, you got an old man? Someone you shacked up with?

All right!

All right!

All right.

All right.

All right. Edge, play the blues.

All right. Give it a try.

All right. I was thinking, just between you and me...

All right. I'll see you.

All right. If you win, the Red Hot Chili Peppers play The Ben Stiller Show.

All right. Now let's say hello to the master of the jangling six string:

All right. That's about it. I want to thank Rob Morrow for coming on the show.

All right. That's it, everybody. Show's over, okay?

All right. The plane. The plane.

All right. This is the dog here? This would be Beethoven.

All right. Well, let's see here.

All right. Well... I guess I'II...

All right. Why...?

All right. You got it.

All the science in the world won't help against 100% natural goodness.

All those having business here, stand forward and you shall be heard.

All we need is five minutes of your time, please.

All you care about is your show. I've seen your show.

Allow the love and the laughter of the universe to fill your soul.

Almost as much as I hate myself.

Almost as much as you hate yourself?

Also had a cup of coffee at Saturday Night Live.

Also joining us at the other end of the species is an ordinary guy...

Also starring Norman Fell as crazy Uncle Charlie.

Although modern science has developed sophisticated robotics...

Am I attacking? Am I retreating? Just give me something here.

America responds by sending a camel, Dilly, followed by a baby elephant...

America's going nuts for Fox's newest comedy smash, Skank.

An cay I elp hay ou yay?

And Akeem...

And anything else?

And blitz and krieg and blitz and krieg. And blitz and krieg and blitz...

And cancel my wrestling match with Leland.

And coming in the fall of '94...

And drink carrot juice or something.

And elcome way o tay eautiful bay ig pay atin lay island. Ou yay..

And Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers is gonna be here.

And for full on aerobic training...

And for just $200 more, you'll become a PBS "Cherished Companion"...

And get killed afterwards.

And guess what?

And he was singing opera.

And he's facing his toughest opponent ever.

And here and here, let's lose the body now.

And I am fluent in two languages: English and legalese.

And I got 12 years of hard time in the can to prove it.

And I realized that I'd have to turn within...

And I'd miss being on the wrestling team...

And I'd pick up the:

And I'd still love you.

And I'll tell you something else. I know it was you, Beethoven.

And I'm the amusing young friend who teaches him all about dandruff.

And if that ain't enough, he refills the ketchup bottles.

And if you're in a really adventurous mood...

And introducing Martina Navratilova as Cyborg 40 Love.

And it'd be this great little trivia thing, you know.

And look at you, Ben. You look just like them.

And might I add that I am sickened...

And more agony of war in Born on the Fourth of July

And none of those on stage antics tonight.

And now a special message about the Let Go Clinic with Tony Bobbins.

And now a word about Grady's Oats.

And now an important message from the Fox Network fox, Foxy Fox.

And now another word from Tony.

And now back to The Ben Stiller Show.

And now the conclusion of: "Can We Borrow Your Instruments?"

And now the hopes and dreams of the electric car...

And now, Arry hay, on to the ecial spay. Ush may, Arry hay

And now, back to Ben Stiller's Rockumentary: U2, The Early Years.

And now, Ben Stiller's Music News with Tabitha Soren.

And now, Ben Stiller's Music News with Tabitha Soren.

And now, Jake Steel: Marionette Cop.

And now, the conclusion of "Robot, Go Home."

And now, through the holy miracle of television...

And now, with more information about the park, it's Oliver Stone!

And on your way out, have your picture taken with Oscar...

And remember, gossip is uncool.

And rip and rip, let's rip that virgin's heart.

And Run. Danny DeVito playing the Penguin?

And she works there. Hello, Vivian! Hello.

And she's got Devin.

And she's no exception.

And Skank starts to lose touch:

And Skank starts to lose touch:

And sometimes when we're singing...

And still can't meet any women at all.

And that plan is T.J. O'Pootertoot's.

And the worst part of it is, you live forever.

And then he starts taking pictures of me!

And then I heard this really odd music, something like a tuba.

And then it's Todd to the toe tapping rescue.

And then my prostate blew up.

And then repeatedly striking them, and just throws them to the ground.

And then the oat buds go, "No! No!"

And then the show, it always takes place out in the wilderness?

And then when Eddie V. Is ripping into his wicked solo on "Jamie's Cryin"'...

And they call James Brown the hardest working man in show business.

And they should have graduated from high school years ago

And they're waiting to talk to you!

And they've got someone new to watch over.

And this summer, I invite you to witness my latest creation.

And this time, he's got his court reserved.

And Time Magazine asks, "Sock puppet or comic genius?"

And tonight I think we're gonna show my prom night.

And we say, " This sock will warm more than your feet. "

And we're gonna rip out a virgin's heart, 2 3 4.

And what do we got over here? There's no chair, so we'll put a chair here.

And with showstopping numbers like "Viet wow!"...

And you can't... What if you get nervous?

And you shouldn't lose your spot when you go to the bathroom.

And you were... My other fear is, I go to bat for you...

And you'll drown in your own blood."

And you're so beautiful. I'm glad I met you.

And your brain will boil and consume you.

And, action.

And, for a limited time, get a rebate on Jazzercise With Wolves...

And, you know, they just suck.

Andre Agassi in his dramatic cable debut:

Andy, get down from there.

Andy, no!

Andy! Andy, didn't you see the sign?

Andy...

Andy's doing mime, and I'm his shill.

Ank you thay, ank you thay.

Anna, an exchange student who's learning that...

Answer: When it comes to backup singers...

Any drug you can eat, I ate it.

Anybody else? Any ideas on how to start?

Anybody got an iced tea or something? I mean... This is not really...

Anybody seen Sarah?

Anyhow, times have been tough, with the economy and whatnot.

Anytime you want me to come on your show, return the favor...

Anyway, I bend down to clean it up...

Anyway, see you over there.

Anyway, the point is, I was so shattered emotionally...

Anyway, you know, we're gonna promote the show. I think the show...

Apparently, he's bringing on a 40 pound plantain.

Are these magic apples?

Are we having fun yet?

Are you finished, Yul Brynner?

Are you having me on because it's funny to have me on?

Are you training for something?

Are you trying to lead into some kind of crazy...

Arrivederci Records is proud to present...

As a side business, we write a lot of commercial jingles.

As soon as I get hooked up for cable...

As sure as I am honest, I'll never forget that day.

As they make their way up the launching pad, everyone cops one last look.

As troop den mother, let me tell you...

Ask her about the blood. She was drinking blood!

Ask Manson was brought to you by Happy Children's Toys.

Ask Manson was brought to you by Happy Children's Toys. Fun for all ages.

At 4? Okay.

At 666 DVIL, it's Damien Faustman.

At America's Most Suspicious, it's our job to find these freaks...

At exactly 4:57, Laura Milligan took the call.

At number one, we have a tofu burger with date nut bread.

At Oliver Stoneland, we question authority.

At the top of tonight's news...

At whay?

At's thay all e thay ime tay e way ave hay or fay oday's tay ow shay.

Ate each other. Right.

Attention, shoppers.

Attention, shoppers...

Audition?

Audition?

Aunt Sadie's trying to get out. You're blocking her. She has to get to her...

B minus Time Traveler.

B minus Time Traveler.

Baby gotta make a poo poo? Huh?

Backtrack. Backtrack a second here. I happen to know that Mr. De Niro...

Bailed out when he found there was no I in team.

Balance.

Balloons.

Bananas. See? I love this.

Batteries?

Be careful, you two!

Be careful! If somebody overhears you...

Because he's your dad. I'm not claiming to be a great ballplayer.

Because I love that down home Louisiana spicy cooking.

Because if I'm Fox's idea of a celebrity, you're in a lot of trouble.

Because it was never there in the first place.

Because someone so much as litters, I gotta take you in.

Because you got your butt kicked!

Before long, it will just be up, up and away!

Behold Excalibur!

Behold the hand of God!

Being a Deadhead doesn't mean being irresponsible.

Believe me, I know what it's like. I've been there.

Ben has to get naked.

Ben, I just wanted to come here. I've never been here...

Ben, thanks for having me, man.

Ben, you better hurry up if you want to get a good spot.

Ben, you left. We had to keep the show going.

Benjamin Bradley, 28 years old.

Besides, they last twice as long as flowers, and they float.

Beth picks you, where you going on your dream date?

Beth.

Better beam me up, Scotty. No intelligent life here.

BillyBob Hoyt, high tech hillbilly.

Black is white and white is black

Blood, sweat and tears.

Blood, sweat and tears.

Blow him away.

Blue & White Shampoo. Because we think this is the way really cool people talk.

Bob, it's a comedy show.

Bob, it's not my camera, okay. It's a rental.

Bob! Can somebody...? Come on! Bob!

Bob? Bob?

Bobby Odenkirk. He used to be a writer for Saturday Night Live.

Bolt cutters.

Bono!

Born in the U.S.A. Yeah.

Boys, I have to tell you, this is the worst Iooking apartment in Seattle

Break on through!

Break on through!

Breathe for me, Hymie. Breathe, 2 3 4.

Britton. She's beautiful, pretty and gorgeous.

Britton. Spider. Anna. Vaughn.

Britton. Spider. Anna. Vaughn. Akeem. Tank. And Devin.

Bruce sat with me for three hours, pointing out where I had made mistakes.

Bruce Springsteen makes an answering machine tape.

Bruce Willis.

Bruce Willis. Die Hard 12. Coming this Christmas to theaters everywhere.

Bruce, the head writer. What did you think of the last piece?

Buford, listen. Tell Sheriff O'Dell that if we don't expand...

But a problem develops. Bim has made a grave miscalculation...

But am I here because it's kitschy to have me on?

But beware. This ride may remove your will to live.

But don't get too funny, kids. It might be Hoffa ville.

But don't worry, he'll be reincarnated.

But how will you respond..

But I couldn't remember if that little gal was Danish or Dutch.

But I don't even know what to do. I don't know how to talk to him anymore.

But I haven't heard anything about the show.

But I... I...

But I'm getting big offers for you guys. I've got an infomercial for you.

But I'm not gonna eat the polenta. It's not agreeing with me. No, no.

But if I win, which will most certainly be the case...

But if it's musical merriment you want, don't miss Platunes...

But if you smash them...

But it was reborn in his son, Robert Kennedy, and died again.

But it's good. I needed some space, and I'm really happy about it.

But like everything I ever loved, you died a slow, tragic death...

But mostly I'm just a guy who never understood the word "can't."

But that was nothing. After he's done playing...

But that's what tai chi's about: Doing things we don't want to.

But the ride's a gas.

But there are a lot of those slick guys who are full of it.

But they do! They take them and put them right in their hands.

But we have a tight script, it's a real structured show.

But we're on Fox, so it should be kind of racy.

But who are you? And where do you come from?

But you don't have to be Queequeg to read the bones here.

But, you know, it's part of the business.

By the way, Clara's dad, Flea, is here also. How you doing?

By the way, I'm not just the founder of the Let Go Clinic...

By the way, Ruth, that personal plea Dan made earlier is from the both of us...

By this time, Laura's supervisor...

Bye!

California.

Call 1 123 SYST That's 1 900...

Call now. Skank is waiting.

Calm down.

Can I ask you one more thing?

Can I just say? Up and then down. And then here...

Can I take a message for him?

Can we borrow your instruments?

Can we borrow your instruments?

Can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

Can't we find something more interesting to talk about?

Cape Munster.

Casey Kasem. Casey Kasem, you know.

Caution: Use of this product may result in decreased sense of humor.

Chad! Hey.

Check out Vaughn. He does a cool robot dance.

Check out who's here.

Check this out. "Thousands of years ago, the New Guinean people...

Check this out. Isn't this incredible?

Cheryl loved the paintings of sad clowns.

Chill. No, it's whack.

Clara, get those hands up. Get those hands up.

Clara, I told you, plan B.

Clara, what do you think? Is your dad a good ballplayer?

Clara, who's the best basketball player in the world?

Col, could you give me a ride, please? Col! Col! Col!

Col! Col!

Colin, could you give me a ride?

Colonel Qaddafi, he's the head of a country.

Combat Rollers are true professionals

Come back!

Come here.

Come on, a little Kumite?

Come on, boy!

Come on, come on. Someone call an ambulance and get him out of here.

Come on, General MacArthur, they both sound right!

Come on, have some fun, old man! Come on!

Come on, I just want to talk to some women.

Come on, one drink. Do it.

Come on, push and breathe. Push and breathe.

Come on, Rosie. What do you want? You're number one. Where else can we go?

Come on, Stacey, shake those cobwebs loose!

Come on, you want to look nice, don't you?

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on! Come on! Come on.

Come on! Let's go!

Come on! We're having an Alley Rally.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Come here.

Come on. Do it.

Come on. Four for nothing.

Come on. Looks like he's really climbing the building.

Come on. What are you waiting for?

Come on. What are you waiting for? Get yourself a Master.

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Coming back on the Serengeti Plain as a cheetah or a lion...

Coming in at number one this week: Lionel Richie with "Stuck on You."

Coming soon to a theater near you.

Coming this fall: Meet a new kind of time traveler.

Coming up next, a man with just a dime...

Constable, I heard cries of a witch.

Controversy surrounds a trio of backup singers who call themselves Vanilla Heat.

Could I just say something? As your new agent, I have to say this:

Could I just...? One thing I didn't...

Could we get Doc Severinsen on the phone? I have to tell him something.

Could you tell my assistant on your way out that I'm ready for the next actor?

Could you wait, please?

Couldn't get Springsteen.

Couldn't you die?

Coyote Desert slattern

Coyote I love thee

Crank call.

Crash o ship o bye bye!

Crazy kids.

Crazy like a fox.

Creepy.

Crossing the Bridge. This guy... All those guys. There's Alec...

Crushed!

Crystal.

Cupid's perfect match.

Cut

Cut.

Cut.

Cut.

D, just pick something. Look, I'm Tree Man.

Dad, I was trying to catch a toad, and I thought he was under the rock...

Dad!

Damien Faustman, a man who has just learned...

Damn it, Agassi, you're out of bounds!

Damn it, the rules are just what he wants them to be!

Darn that big old toad!

David!

David!

Dear Charles, I have three rambunctious children.

Dear Mr. Manson...

Delbert!

Devin!

Did I ask you for any of your salmon? Did I say I wanted any?

Did I ever tell you I'm part Chinese on my mother's side?

Did I mention who I'm going with?

Didn't you get it when I broke up with you? I hate you!

Didn't you study American history?

Die Hard 12.

Die Hungry.

Different actors, you know?

Different people with different hairstyles but one thing in common:

Do a whole Bo Jackson thing. Not only football, but hockey and...

Do it as, like, the Herman Munster guy you do.

Do it now. You're on top. You can do anything. Let's go 180 on them.

Do it, Vaughn!

Do it.

Do it. Come on, Casey. Do it.

Do it. Come on, do it.

Do it. Do it.

Do not worry, young Dwayne. We will find another.

Do you find my policies...

Do you have Bob Saget's phone number?

Do you know what it is to feel...

Do you know...? Who is that girl? Do you know her?

Do you mind if I light a torch and wave it at you?

Do you wanna go? You wanna go play? Should we...?

Do you want to have some? I got Grecian chicken, which is...

Do you watch any TV?

Does what for a living? What, stand on one foot? I don't get it.

Dolly Parton...

Don't fear or think that you're too high and mighty to...

Don't flash that applause sign again...

Don't get too close to that hot grease.

Don't just work out these. You gotta work this muscle out too.

Don't leave. You're not really a robot.

Don't make me come down there!

Don't play with that thing.

Don't step on my lines.

Don't tell me I can't figure out an adult diaper.

Don't tell me that. I smell it all over your breath.

Don't tell me to relax. I am Brent Forrester, "Mr. Relaxation."

Don't think you'll come down here, flash a merit badge, and make me nervous.

Don't wait up for me, if you know what I mean. Ben Stiller is back.

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about my past.

Don't worry, Felicia!

Don't worry, game's almost over. Let's find out who's the bigger stud.

Don't worry, he can't see you. It's a one way mirror.

Don't you beat...

Doomed souls wander the earth, unfit for heaven or hell.

Doris, get in here!

Doris, I killed the kids.

Doris, if there's one thing I learned...

Doris, it's not a waste. You are!

Dragons, man! They're all over the place!

Drop dead, hobo! Why don't you work for a living?

Drop the damn wand! Do it!

Drop the wand, Houdini!

Drugs will not take you to a place...

Due to the immense popularity of The Ben Stiller Show...

Each bathtub fits a family of four.

Ed Janek, if you're watching this, and you want to admit to something, call us.

Eddie Munster...

Either the Nina or the Pinta.

Ell way, I'm ot nay Mr. Oarke ray.

Endora, help me out. Here's an exercise for home.

Enough about the shoes. Everything is shoes and teeth with you!

Enough of this. We got to get to it. Did you read the script?

Entertainment Weekly calls him, "Archie Bunker with pink hair."

Erasmus! Thank you, Elliot.

Ere hay ou yay o gay. Ave hay un fay.

Ernie Hudson as Captain Willie Jones.

Especially Janeane.

Especially when the thing you hate most is your...

ESPN...

Ever put your life in another boy's hands?

Every day, I grow a root. I go up the tree and an apple falls off me.

Every joke I write doesn't work.

Every morning, I try to put in the hours early.

Everybody but Bruce, that is.

Everybody take a deep breath.

Everybody taste the gefilte fish sculpture. It's great.

Everybody's doing a bad impression of you guys.

Everybody's got homes to go to. That's it, all right?

Everyone on the floor...

Everything goes nuts when the family is visited by Senator Edmund Doofus.

Everything is turned topsy turvy when Skank goes blind.

Everything will turn out all right.

Exactly. You just want... Go ahead. You don't need me for that.

Except Mark DeCarlo, who cut some sort of a deal.

Excuse me, Mr. Gallegos.

Excuse me, sir, but that's just not true.

Excuse me. Hi.

Excuse me. I'm searching for the Sandy Shoal of Creativity. Am I close?

Excuse me. We're here for the backup singer auditions.

Ey hay!

Face it!

Faith!

Faith!

Faith!

Faustman! It's time.

Feel the cold hand of a loved one on your neck with Kreepee.

Fellow hillbilly millionaires...

Fifty big ones in advance.

Finally, please keep your eyes peeled for the O'Connors.

Finally, the field is whittled to two candidates, Bim and Bo.

Finally, the model nauts are ready. On a chilly April morning...

Find the crime.

Find them? I don't see nothing.

Find your inner peace and let it relax you.

Find your inner peace. Let it soothe and relax you.

Fine.

First of all, who are you?

First step: We remove you from your relationship tainted environment.

First, they watched a baby.

Flo! Alice!

Flood the place! I feel like taking a nap.

Flying up the chart at number two, we have a vegetarian surprise.

For a challenging workout...

For an additional $500, you become a PBS "Bestest Buddy of Them AII."

For heaven's sake, keep trying. If you can't remember that date...

For instance, I have to go on the road 50 weeks a year to make money...

For instance, my teeth are as white as these tiles.

For she, too, had a line of customers backed up into the street.

For some reason, he keeps speaking in these irritating "funny" phrases.

For some reason, we have not been invited in.

For the last two years...

For what?

Forget it. Not a good idea. Let's just watch another Fox show, okay?

Forget the editing! Forget all that crap! Just...

Four for nothing. One, two, three, four.

Four, three, two.

Fox

Fox

Fox

Fox

Fox has decided they want all their shows to come from Melrose.

Fox is as committed to it as they are to Herman's Prostate or whatever that is.

Frank and I have an announcement to make.

Freeze!

Frisk me. You wanna frisk me? Come on, Beethoven.

From the well coiffed hair to the little biceps, the jacket.

From what I heard, there's plenty of butter!

Fully automatic, solar powered foot picker.

Garry, you don't gotta get... okay. All right, well...

Gary, you got a great head of hair. You know that?

Gentlemen, thanks for joining me

Gentlemen, uh, gentlemen...

George Jefferson, what are you up to now?

George Washington?

Gertrude, please, just hear me out! I love you!

Get dressed up as the waiter and pour her water. It would blow her away.

Get in the car! And for the last time, I'm not Frankenstein.

Get it? Pleased to meet you, won't you guess my name?

Get off it, Ben. These are just people. Hey, my ride's leaving. I gotta get going.

Get out of here, or I'll kill you!

Get out of here. Go see every other agent, then come back.

Get out! Now!

Get ready, get set for The Grungies!

Get some more houseflies in here. I feel like I'm in the city

Get up the hill!

Get up, man! Get up!

Get up! I don't care if he's hurt! Get him out of there!

Getting them to sign a policy is not always easy.

Gillis! Gillis!

Gino!

Gino!

Give me a T.

Give me a T.

Give me a U.

Give me an H.

Give me an R.

Give me some death.

Give me the camera!

Go ahead.

Go ahead. Sign up, man.

Go back in time. Greeks, Romans, in the tub, rub a dub lub, three men having fun.

Go kill yourself. Don't waste my time. Don't worry. No one will miss you.

Go through with what?

Go with me?

God, grant me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change...

God, I get it week in, week out, all the time, everybody...

Godspeed to you, Bim and Bo.

Going to college sure makes you glad to be an American, don't it?

Goldsilver.

Goo goo, ga ga.

Good boy!

Good evening from Washington, D.C.

Good evening. I'm Art Louwater, and this is Roundtable.

Good friend, Bobcat Goldthwait.

Good luck.

Good meal coming up. We'll be right back.

Good night.

Good question. You know, after my fifth wife left me...

Good sir, this woman is the spawn of Satan.

Good to see you, have a seat. This is great.

Good to see you. Hi.

Good work.

Got a touch of the plague that's going around.

Got him! Three points for the Relaxation King.

Got himself a little cast so he doesn't look autocratic.

Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal.

Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal.

Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal.

Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal.

Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal. Available at fine stores everywhere.

Great crowd we got tonight.

Great drama doesn't grow on trees. We won't carry at a deficit any longer.

Great name. Don't change it. Look good on a marquee when you're doing films.

Great!

Great! So how about some improv?

Great.

Great.

Great. Pointier. Can't be pointy enough. Remember that.

Great. Where does she buy her clogs?

Great. You're my favorite client. I haven't even signed you yet.

Greed in Wall Street.

Growing up in the shadow of his younger brother, Cupid...

Hang on a second.

Hang on. I'm gonna make a note.

Hang on. Yeah?

Happy 10th anniversary, sweetheart.

Happy anniversary, Mom!

Have a nice set, Mr. Agassi.

Have I helped you mentally? Did I get inside your bean and calm you down?

Have you been coming in here, sneaking through my papers?

Have you ever asked another boy to put his life in yours?

Have you ever been in charge of 12 young boys?

Have you ever rubbed two sticks together to make a fire?

Have you seen my pants?

Have you seen The Ben Stiller Show? I was wondering...

HBO presents: The Last Stand of Yakov Smirnoff.

He blames me for canceling The Munsters.

He can't hear anything.

He doesn't really...

He drove there without stopping for gas once, because he was driving in...

He had no cold in a menorah?

He helped me through a very rough time.

He helped you? Where's the rough time for you, huh?

He is brilliant!

He looks like he's got a rope. My goodness! What a good mime this is.

He loves to make people laugh almost as much as he loves his freedom.

He must be the chosen one. The Lord speaks through Moses!

He must have been up there for 15 hours.

He played every song he ever wrote. And one of my favorites.

He scores!

He seems like a nice guy when he says, "green lights" and whatever.

He shoots, he scores!

He should have named that group "Me 2," not "U2." It's all about him.

He showed you conspiracy in JFK.

He spends his time swimming in the ocean...

He then fainted, fell off the pole, and skinned his knee.

He then woke up.

He thinks fake theme restaurants are corny.

He tried to rob a bank.

He wanted to get a little girl to play tambourine with us, but we nixed that one.

He wants to suck your innocence! Leave me! Go!

He was incredible.

He was very materialistically oriented, and that's not what U2 is about.

He'll be driving an electric car.

He'll keep going, because he's a mime. He doesn't need anything to climb.

He's a little tense these days, I guess. Yeah.

He's a moral dilemma. I felt it was a good chance to stretch some acting muscle...

He's almost got it all.

He's alone. He's tired.

He's busy. Agents, they're very slick characters.

He's everything you said he was, a little bug that gets up inside your head.

He's fatigued from the expedition, perhaps a little punch drunk.

He's fully endorsed and ready for action. But in a game of doubles...

He's gone. Gone...

He's gonna bring on some giant vegetables he's grown in his garden.

He's gonna overtake the world. I smell something.

He's got to... I guess...

He's holding his ears closed.

He's holding poultry and a fish and singing to them.

He's in top form, but there are no byes in this tournament.

He's just as attractive as Devin, only with slightly different sideburns.

He's not here right now, but he'll be back shortly.

He's performed for presidents, heads of state.

He's right! It's fun a licious!

He's running out of one liners!

He's scared.

He's small. Low center of gravity. He's probably quick and scrappy, though.

He's taking your calls and he's mad as hell.

He's trying to tell us Timmy's in trouble!

He's up here, you're down here. You're up here. Maybe one day...

He's winning! He's winning!

Headed up the river like Kurtz.

Hello, class. My name is Jeffrey Marcus.

Hello, Department of Sanitation? This is Officer Jake Steel.

Hello, I am Brent Forrester.

Hello, I am Brent Forrester.

Hello, I'm Tabitha Soren, and this is a Stiller Music News special report.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello. How you doing? I'm Ben Stiller. Welcome to the show.

Hello. My name is Leslie Chapman.

Hello. Welcome to Andy Dick's Political Children's Theatre...

Here at WDVL.

Here she comes! She's coming out to jungle land!

Here she comes.

Here to prove it is the unflappable goddess of fitness, Endora.

Here we go!

Here we have very, very ecial spay oeple pay iving lay ere hay. Especially pay...

Here you can do... Obviously, it's your show. There's no script.

Here's the juicer you wanted. What are you gonna make?

Here's where the adventure begins.

Here's your lousy war!

Herve, do it.

Hey, all right. Here.

Hey, and you know what?

Hey, could you stop that, please?

Hey, Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?

Hey, everybody, go turn on the faucets full blast.