The Office (2005) - Season 3 Edit

A boss' salary isn't just about money.

A G.A.I. A gay.

A G.N.O. If you will. A gno.

A good worker and a good man.

A lot better than hers, that's for sure.

A lot more work and I need a raise.

A lot? Too much.

About being in the driver's seat.

Absolutely correct. Later, Jim.

Absolutely not.

Absolutely not. I'm on it.

Absolutely. What did I say?

Accepted.

Action.

Actually, it's more of a guys' afternoon in.

After you kissed me.

Agoraphobic? Yeah.

Ah so.

All four parts. Recorded it on my computer.

All four parts. Recorded it on my computer.

All matters regarding our personal relationship

All of Dwight's old accounts. Handling it okay?

All right, Levinson, here's the rub.

All right!

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. All right.

All right. Okay, fine.

All the little birds on...

Also Bono.

Am I right? Yep.

An hour Iong shower with guys.

An.. And it's terrible.

And a Chihuahua.

And a lot of times when two people like that get together, it can be explosive.

And actually give him something,

And all of a sudden, Jim pushed me out of the way

And can you get here by 5:00?

And certain situations and certain accounts.

And confirmed on Wikipedia,

And don't forget the new black man phrase I taught you.

And Dwight Schrute trivia.

And each file is password protected with a different mythical creature, so...

And every day, for eight years,

And every night for the last five nights.

And everybody was riffling through them like crazy.

And fly around fighting crime.

And gay?

And get a distress call from the Commissioner

And go into their normal jobs,

And good afternoon, fine gentlewomen of Dunder Mifflin.

And he really pressured him into it.

And he's a big dude, you know?

And he's been on a little bit of a sabbatical, recently,

And he's just using this Roy thing as leverage.

And he's like an eel.

And hopefully, that'll lift everyone's spirits.

And I apologize.

And I gave myself the nastiest shock.

And I grabbed one.

And I just don't think corporate's

And I need you to handle hiring the strippers.

And I replaced him with Andy.

And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity.

And I tried to crawl away, and what happened was,

And I wanted to be Oscar specific.

And I will be back shortly.

And I would just like to make some changes about certain things.

And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny

And I'm not into Jim.

And I'm officially on the job market and it's very exciting.

And I'm picking up all of his slack,

And I'm sorry for the way those certain events transpired.

And I'm sure you have a boyfriend in prison or something, so...

And if I die, I want my son

And it better not be what Andy is doing.

And it fit.

And it's fine for the time being.

And it's weird, because this is not like me.

And Jim won't press charges against Roy or the company.

And just shut the hell up.

And Karen, you might wanna invest

And listen, because of our, you know, situation,

And Mr. Franklin

And no, I don't want to talk about it.

And not the nunchakus or the throwing stars.

And now we are even.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the big finale.

And one night, my mum was tucking me in.

And one night, my mum was tucking me in.

And part of me thinks

And remember, no matter what, I will always love you.

And Roy cocked his fist.

And Roy walked in, looking super angry.

And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray,

And sell paper so we can go on a trip.

And she tried to give me a raspberry

And she...

And shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause,

And t was just the worst.

And take off their glasses and change into capes

And that kid dropped a milkshake on me and you just laughed.

And the era of the Founding Fathers...

And the night before that

And then all of a sudden Dwight stood up and was like, "No!"

And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money.

And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby.

And then we're gonna go to the movies. Sounds good.

And then your assistant is all young and hot and I...

And then, bam, Dwight sprays him and knocks him on his butt.

And then?

And they decided to send me to management training.

And they told me that

And things got a little out of hand.

And today, both Darryl and I took something.

And we talked it through and it's totally fine.

And we're gonna go to dinner. Okay.

And what happens in this one?

And what kind of stripper did you get?

And when I came to, I had an epiphery.

And when they came over on the Mayflower.

And why are you so interested in buying me something, Jim?

And with Roy gone, we've got a smaller crew.

AND Y: I graduated from anger management

And you are engaged

And you call me to calm you down...

And you could just tell he's gonna punch somebody.

And you figure, "How can I put this to practical use?"

And you make one tiny mistake, you're dead.

And you think that'd be sexy?

And you're like, "Yeah."

And, actually now, I think that we're better than ever.

And, Dwight,

And, Elizabeth, the stripper, gave me great advice which rhymed.

Andy is like Mar something. Great sportscaster, big weirdo creep.

ANDY: I don't trust you, Phyllis.

Andy's a yes man.

Angela from accounting told me what you did.

Angela, Roy's check.

Angela.

Anger management, technically, but still, management material.

Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject,

Anyway, you know who was totally flirting with Ben Franklin? Pam.

Are there any messages? No.

Are you near sighted or far sighted?

Are you serious? You're earning this?

Are you wearing lady clothes?

Are you wearing lady clothes? Those look like lady pants.

Are you... Are you okay?

As to what prima nocta meant.

As you know, Oscar is a gay man

As you know, we are six days away from Phyllis' wedding.

At the very least, it's bisexual.

Attacked another employee in your office.

Back and forth. Give and take.

Be nice to get a memo. We are lovers.

Because Dwight loves this company.

Because Dwight...

Because he had to drive to New York to drop off the quarterly tax forms

Because I need to try out some of these negotiation tactics on you.

Because I want her to get people excited about my wedding

Because I'm gay? No, no.

Because I'm not going to do it anymore, Ryan. I'm not.

Because it's gonna be awesome.

Because on paper, Andy and I should be best buds.

Because that is the way these things are done in films.

Because they think I'm going to help their career.

Because you guys are great together.

Because you guys are great together.

Ben Franklin or SpongeBob SquarePants.

Ben Franklin tied a cherry stem in his mouth!

Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleazebag.

Ben Franklin? Do you wear boxers, briefs or pantaloons?

Ben Franklin.

Big Apple.

Big fella comes in screaming about God knows what.

Big Turkey?

Bippety, boppety.

Blinds 25l50. Nickels are worth 10,

Blonde.

Both. That's why I invented the bifocals.

Boy, I... No.

Break's over.

Buses, though, will get you home quick.

But don't you also have girlfriends in Paris?

But each is going to get a little extra dose of naughty.

But I just, I don't want to comment on what happened.

But I kept all this from my wife, Deborah.

But I'd like that to be moved up to now.

But I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck.

But if he did intend that...

But it has not yet been imported to the United States.

But Jim told me about you guys

But now I want to be nice to him

But now, apparently, Darryl has some issues with...

But someone like Elizabeth can't.

But there is some good news. Oscar is back, addition by addition.

But we had some really good talks

But you have got to ask for 15.

But you just said 15.

But you're not still interested in him?

But, you know, life is about more than just salary.

Buy you a beer or lunch or something.

By leaning back and by whispering,

By threatening to withhold sex from a female superior.

Bye.

Can I have a raise?

Can I join, too?

Can I, like, see you after work for coffee or something?

Can't hear you.

Can't put a price tag on that.

Care for a piece of chocolate?

Certain events have transpired and I've thought about certain things,

Change the location of the meeting at the last second.

Check out the new car!

Child's play. Give me something hard to sell.

Chocolate? Where did you acquire it?

Chris Tucker, Rush Hour.

Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens.

Click, click, click, click.

Click, click, click, click. Click, click, click, click.

Come on, be for real, Mike.

Comfortable, Mike?

Congratulations, universe, you win.

Cool

Cost of doing business.

Cost of doing business.

Could I ask you a question about women?

Could you stop? ...you can just call somebody else

Darryl from the warehouse? Mmm hmm.

Darryl, you are

DARRYL: Yeah. I taught Mike some new phrases.

Decapitated. Whole big thing.

Deliciosity.

Describe it, please.

Did you guys think she was hot?

Didn't Ben Franklin have syphilis?

Didn't think you'd notice.

Dimes, 25, and quarters, 50. Nothing wild.

Discharged it at a distance of a little over a meter

Do not make that mistake again.

Do what? I just asked you a question.

Do you have a girlfriend?

Do you have any blonde women?

Do you know who the real heroes are?

Do you still have feelings for her?

Do you still have feelings for her?

Do you think he does so for a free beer?

Do you think that anyone else out there would've driven to corporate for you?

Do you use Tide detergent?

Do you want me to ask the night cleaning crew

Do you want to pull a prank on Andy?

Don't do that. It's not nice.

Don't ever touch a black man's radio.

Don't fall asleep at your desk!

Don't want it, won't open it, don't need it, won't take it.

Don't want it.

Down to the number.

Duh. Which is why I was joking about doing it.

Dunder Mifflin, customer service. This is Kelly.

Dunder Mifflin. What kind of company is that?

Dwight had a big personality and I have a big personality.

DWIGHT: I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.

DWIGHT: I have left Dunder Mifflin after many record breaking years,

DWIGHT: Well, that question is meaningless.

Dwight!

Dwight?

Dwight?

Dwight. Dwight.

Either this chick is a dude or Halpert got scared straight.

Either Toby comes with you or we don't do it.

Elizabeth, I want you to sit here.

Encourage him? I'm the victim, okay? He's fishing for me.

Especially that one.

Even Steven.

Even though you're younger and have less experience.

Every day for eight years,

Every little bird in the tall oak tree

Every little swallow, every chickadee

Every little swallow, every chickadee

Every little swallow...

Every little swallow...

Every new bride on her wedding night.

Everybody, I'd like to introduce you to Elizabeth.

Everyone here is extremely gruntled.

Everything is on my horizon.

Everything okay?

Excuse me.

Feel you, dawg. Yeah, do you?

Fine, I'll just go sit at my desk and be quiet.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

First off, Michael, this is a salary negotiation.

Flapping them wings...

Football, Cornell, Hofstra. Slaughter.

For example, every year I get a $100 gas card.

For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts.

Fourteen years long.

Fourteen years.

Fourteen years.

Fourteen years.

Fourteen.

FRANKLIN: Hold the door, please!

From the Scranton Police Department

From the settlement.

From the top. Ready? Three...

Fun.

Genius.

Gentlemen, the entertainment is here.

Gerdy's.

German engineering. Nice!

Get one for the girls, too. That evens it out.

Get your own raise.

Girls only.

Go ahead, ask me for a raise.

Go back to work!

God, I need a boyfriend.

God!

God!

Going to go for this right now.

Going with the whole sleeping better than not.

Gonna go home, get my beer on, get my Lost on.

Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything?

Good advice, Beesly. Thanks.

Good stuff?

Good to see you.

Goodness.

Got my rod here.

Got some pie, going to be very delicious.

Got you something.

Got you.

Got you. Got... Whoa!

Great.

Great.

Guilty.

Guys! Beef, it's what's for dinner.

Half pants, right, Mr. Franklin?

Halpert!

Hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer.

Have any of you talked to Dwight?

Have to be set aside. Are we clear?

Have you ever seen a stripper before?

Having lots of fun, no doubt.

He could have broken your nose or something. Crazy.

He did the same thing with Josh in Stamford.

He hasn't even said a word yet.

He rocks in the treetop all a day long

He rocks in the treetop all a day long

He rocks in the treetop all a day long

He rocks in the treetop...

He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy.

He took everyone's stories.

He'll always agree with whatever you're saying.

He's always up in my biznezz,

He's coming in later to pick it up.

He's gone because of me.

He's in his knickers.

He's not gonna be a murderer.

He's only one of the five best singers ever.

Hello hello! Welcome back! Hi Michael.

Hello, everyone.

Hello, hello. Todd Packer.

Hello, Son

Hello. Come in.

Hello. Hello.

Her eyes were closed and she grabbed me

Here are some things that I want to teach you

Here we go.

Here's a little news flash.

Here's the $40 you gave me.

Hey where's Dwight?

Hey, boss. MICHAEL: Hey, what's up?

Hey, guys, guess who's back?

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys. Jan is ready for you.

Hey, Halpert.

Hey, I wanted to talk to you.

Hey, I'd rather kill myself.

Hey, man, I never got a chance to thank you for stopping Roy.

Hey, man...

Hey, maybe you want to come over and raid my closet?

Hey, Mike, since Roy left I've been doing

Hey, Ryan. What?

Hey, so Andy is in rare form today.

Hey!

Hey! Hey, Oscar.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hi

Hey. What's up?

Hi, Angela

Hi, everyone.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Jan.

Hi, Toby.

Higher salaries.

Hiro from Heroes.

His head was thrown back, his shoulder and arm cocked,

Hit it!

Hoppin' and a boppin' and a singin' the song

Hoppin' and a boppin' and a singin' the song

How many bedrooms? Four.

How many pays does that set you back?

How will we get home?

How would I describe myself? Three words.

How? Name repetition, personality mirroring and positive reinforcement

How... Would you stop interrupting, please?

How's the workload?

How's this place treating you?

I accidentally cross dressed.

I am 99% sure.

I am declining to speak first.

I am going to have to call in myself.

I am making it happen, Sergeant.

I am not like you!

I am really sorry.

I am serious, Mike. That's a 10 percent raise.

I am usually the guy they call in to clean up the mess.

I bet she'd be jealous!

I call shuffle! Here we go

I call you in the middle of the night... Guys.

I called it myself.

I can offer you a 12 percent raise,

I can only give you a five percent raise.

I can.

I can't get a stripper here.

I can't imagine what I would have done.

I can't really explain it.

I can't... What, Mike? Are you...

I denied him!

I did not order a stripper.

I didn't give you $40.

I didn't really have time to be scared.

I didn't say anything. I was waiting to see what would happen.

I didn't think I would but turns out it's great.

I do not buy women's clothes.

I do! I want some man meat!

I do... I wear men's suits. Okay?

I don't care what Jim says.

I don't get to wear my ties. No.

I don't get you, Pam.

I don't know who that is.

I don't know.

I don't know. Maybe you should go back out there

I don't know. They're, like, Friday night crowds...

I don't know. Was a weird day.

I don't like him, his giant head, or his beady, little eyes.

I don't make this much.

I don't mean to be rude.

I don't remember.

I don't remember.

I don't think Michael intended to punish me by putting Ryan back here with Kelly.

I don't understand how someone can have so little self awareness.

I don't wanna do your laundry anymore.

I don't want somebody sucking up to me

I don't. I'll prove it to you.

I established a dominant physical position.

I expect to be done in five.

I feel great, Kevin. Thank you.

I forced Dwight to resign prematurely

I give you permission to spank them,

I got a cousin who lives down there.

I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search.

I got this out of a bin.

I got to send some e mails.

I guess all things considered,

I guess today,

I have a girlfriend, so...

I have a girlfriend. I...

I have a lovely wife, Deborah.

I have an idea.

I have brought pepper spray into this office

I have snow tires and chains,

I have to call you the second I get a new assistant now?

I haven't been to New York in a long time.

I hear there's an important meeting here

I heard some shouting, and I look over and Roy's by reception,

I heard you might need it, so...

I invented tactic number eight.

I just can't grab onto him. It's infuriating.

I just can't help myself.

I just got some stuff I got to say to you.

I just need you to ask for it so I can record that you asked for it.

I just thought you guys were really good friends

I just...

I just... I think that we both made some bad choices.

I just... You know, times are tight,

I kept thinking about you two together.

I knew you would, Nancy.

I know this is weird or whatever,

I know.

I know.

I know.

I liked you better as the temp. Me too.

I love your poster.

I made a mess.

I made one tiny mistake.

I mean "look out" in a fun way.

I mean, I wasn't going to do anything, but then...

I mean, we merged these two branches, right?

I mean, what I was thinking, right?

I mean, you're going out with Jim.

I miss Dwight.

I miss him.

I never heard of them.

I really have no preference. We don't even have to have a party.

I remember it was very late at night, like 11:00, 11:30

I removed my weapon from its secure hiding place.

I saw someone breaking the law and I interceded.

I saw the perpetrator advance towards the victim at a high rate of speed.

I specifically ordered a stripper.

I still think he's way overpaid.

I still think there is a way you can explain it to Michael.

I think I deserve a raise.

I think I know why.

I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car,

I think that maybe you should...

I think that's champagne.

I think we broke his brain.

I told him I would be upset if people knew about us,

I told you not to say it. Do you remember that?

I wanna do this. Okay

I want him to get the raise.

I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.

I want you to write down how much you want.

I wanted to let you know that Dwight was late that morning

I was lucky Dwight was there.

I was thinking tonight we could read it together.

I wasn't here. So I haven't really heard the whole story.

I went to a bachelor party

I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all.

I will shake mine, and then you will shake yours.

I won't touch yours, by the way.

I wore women's clothes.

I would like a 15 percent raise.

I.

I...

I... I..

I'll be right outside if you need me.

I'll talk to you later.

I'm a mere defender of the office.

I'm closer to firing you.

I'm Elizabeth. I'm the dancer that was requested.

I'm glad. Any real potential there, Beesly?

I'm going to call Roy, man.

I'm going to give you a piece of paper.

I'm going to smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go.

I'm here to teach you a little bit about my life

I'm here, Jan.

I'm in... I'm in the sex shop.

I'm kind of in the middle... Yes, please.

I'm not a hero.

I'm not fine.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm not going out with Jim

I'm not going to go out and ask for a raise right now.

I'm not really into strippers.

I'm not sure which one Jim hated more.

I'm pretty sure none of that's real.

I'm scheduled to get one in six months,

I'm so sorry, Pammy.

I'm sorry, I had a very different understanding

I'm sorry, Mike. Some mofos got to hear about this one.

I'm sorry, too.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I can't.

I'm sure you guys will find your way back to one another someday.

I'm the stripper.

I'm totally ready to be set up

I'm trying to get everyone excited about Phyllis' wedding

I've been a loyal employee for a long time.

I've been doing some very interesting reading.

I've never asked for a raise in 14 years.

I've never heard of him.

If he did that with Josh, he could be doing that with me.

If they stopped watering it?

If you don't already have one.

If you don't get a stripper, your party's gonna suck.

If you were willing to do something like that for some random co worker,

If you're watching this, that means I'm already dead.

In a dress or a skirt of some kind

In a way, you did.

In fact, it's pretty freaking un funny!

In the warehouse from 2:30 to 3:15

In your head

In your head

In your head

Indicating an attack position.

Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania.

Into the perpetrator's eyes, nose and face area,

Irrelevant.

Is everything okay?

Is in your apartment in the middle of the night,

Is it the same grill you grilled your foot on?

Is that you singing?

Is Toby there?

Is when the king got to deflower

It is a big loss. Dwight was the top salesman.

It is a mess. Big mess.

It is about perks. It...

It is mysterious, because the buttons are on the wrong side.

It is the only time that Bob was available.

It is the only time that Bob was available.

It really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become President,

It reminds me a lot of

It sounded interesting, what you were gonna...

It sucked.

It takes a big man to admit his mistake, and I am that big man.

It used to brighten my morning.

It was a crime of passion, Jan.

It was a good talk. Wait! Im sorry.

It was a little glass display case for his bobblehead.

It was a warm June evening in 1 752,

It was crazy. Man.

It was insane.

It was one of her many aliases.

It will be a groundbreaking case

It'll probably be on a boat.

It's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower.

It's a company lease.

It's about perks.

It's been a really rough couple of days.

It's European, okay? It's a European cut.

It's gonna be a great bachelor party, man.

It's gonna be good.

It's gonna be like that, huh?

It's just so stupid. I mean, getting back with Roy and everything.

It's like when he annoys me and I want to screw with him

It's like, big difference.

It's my job to insure that none of you look like ragamuffins.

It's not a big deal, it's just a kiss.

It's not funny!

It's not really any of my business.

It's not that big.

It's the only time he can do it.

It's the only time he can do it.

It's very moving and sexy, the art.

Italians don't wear pockets.

JAN: Michael, I left a meeting. What is so urgent?

JAN: Michael, last Friday, one of your employees

JAN: Well, why don't we talk next month after the quarter ends?

Jennifer Garner portrayed one on Alias.

Jim says something, Roy stops over there, all of a sudden, bam,

JIM: "It's not freaking funny!"

JIM: Are you okay?

JIM: Wow. Took me forever.

Jim.

Just giggling.

Just go with the copy paper, it's your funeral.

Just like Rambo.

Just preparing for the deposition.

Just sit on down.

Just thought you'd get a kick out of the new ring.

Karen and I had a long talk last night

Karen and I have been up talking.

Karen Filippelli, Jim's girlfriend.

Karen Filippelli, Jim's girlfriend.

KAREN: I guess Jim and I have had a little bit

KAREN: I guess Jim and I have had a little bit

KAREN: So, do you want to see it or not?

Kelly, don't do this.

KELLY: What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher?

KELLY: You are so mean.

Kev, have a good weekend. Yeah, sure.

Kissed me on my butt.

Knickers, in fact. Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Mr. Dwight Schrute.

Large Tuna, have you seen my cell phone device?

Leave me alone and get the male stripper. Fine.

Let's get down to business.

Let's go.

Let's just clear out, okay? Shame on you.

Let's just do this in 15.

Life is a... How do you know it's gonna be a boy?

Life is precious.

Like a crazy person a little.

Like having sex with Jan...

Like the time we were on the Ferris wheel,

Like, a lot of them?

Like, you know, separate but equal.

Likes me a lot.

Listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday.

Litterally.

Look at that.

Look who's here!

Look, I don't know how to say this, so I just will.

Look, I've got like 15 new clients that I've inherited from Dwight

Look, it's got shoulder pads. And did you see that lining?

Look, there's a teddy bear in a policeman's cap.

Love that Andy, right? Solid fellow. Seems smart enough.

Love to hear the robin goin'...

Make it happen, Captain.

Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control.

Man, I cannot believe I missed the fight.

Man. TGI Wednesday.

Mar something?

Maybe I'll stay overnight.

Maybe I'll stay.

Maybe that's how you die?

Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks.

Merciless, insatiable

Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings.

Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.

Michael, he's your branch's HR rep...

Michael, the pants don't have any pockets.

MICHAEL: Hello, ladies.

MICHAEL: I can't believe you're not gonna be there.

MICHAEL: It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that's what I did.

MICHAEL: Negotiation is an art.

MICHAEL: Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady?

MICHAEL: Yes! Yes!

Michael? Here's the $15 I owe you.

Michael.

Michael. No.

Michael...

Michael... No. No, I mean, not because you're gay.

Mike, okay. A stripper is Bachelor Party 101.

Mike, this is barely more than I make.

Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably

Mr. Franklin? Yes.

My boss isn't funny.

My name is Gordon.

My reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings.

Nailed it.

Near the river.

Need any help?

Negotiations are all about controlling things,

Never underestimate the power of a good night's sleep.

Never.

Nevermind, you're busy. I'll come back tomorrow.

Nice job. Thank you muchly.

Nice job. Thank you muchly.

Nice one.

Nice to have Oscar back.

Nice.

Nice.

No I will not.

No need for consternation. Everything is under control.

No need to thank me.

No preference.

No problem.

No tats.

No tricks, no Wikipedia.

No, but we can offer you 12.