Transylvania 6-5000 Edit

A better question is, what are you doing here?

A kiss goodbye?

A town in fear, a mad scientist. Something.

About what?

About your Jesse James or your Dillinger?

Actually, I'm investigating...

After a car accident, his body was mangled and he was partially paralyzed.

After all, you are in Transylvania.

After the intensive plastic surgery,

Alive, alive, alive, alive...

All right, back off that growling crap!

All right, Fejos.

All right.

All right.

All right. I got a few free hours. Let's go.

All right. I'll get it.

All right. You wanna play rough? Take this.

All those disabled people. There's something going on there.

Americans?

An ominous aura?

And a fugitive from justice?

And be sure you attend our annual wine festival,

And for you, a little orange juice.

And get the hell out of my room.

And get this, they're supposed to go to the lab.

And he's out scaring the hell out of everybody!

And his soul rests in eternal peace.

And I was wondering, could we have dinner tonight?

And instead of being honored for that,

And it certainly isn't the news!

And lasts, as you Americans say, until the cows go home!

And look at the beast he created.

And my lovely wife.

And smash him over the head with it just so I could get away from him?

And stay out.

And the next thing we know, they're here. I'd like to know what's going on in there.

And then we go to some phony gypsy camp.

And these woods are full of God knows what.

And they put it in his pocket.

And we deserve some respect.

And we've put up with it, haven't we?

And what about this monster?

And when you don't find anything, I'm wiring Mac

And you ask a point blank question like that?

And you assured me that he is deceased.

And you.

And your wife.

Anybody here?

Are you a loner or do you go out in a pack?"

Are you all right?

Are you and your partner having breakfast?

Are you crazy? The guard out front knows me.

Are you going to take the word of a madman

Are you kidding?

Are you okay? What the hell?

Are you sure you wouldn't like some espresso? I can make some... for you!

Aren't you Hunyadi?

As you Americans say, we'll have to beat them off with a rake! Radu.

Back! Back!

Bad news.

Bags.

Bazonkers. I never counted on bazonkers.

Be standing in the aisles. Mayor, are we the only guests in the hotel?

Beautiful, isn't it?

Because if you guys come back with nothing,

Because you're going out on this story.

Because, you see, she is ashamed that he is her son.

Before I send him to the pound.

Boy, down.

Burn him.

But as the full moon rises, he becomes a wolf.

But as the rain enters the sea,

But can your cosmetic fakery deal with this?

But do you know where Hunyadi is?

But feel free to inspect the castle.

But he turned out to be a guy making out with a girl.

But hey, enough about me.

But I certainly don't say it in anything other than a whimsical way.

But listen, I've got some time off.

But no, he wouldn't listen to me,

But now that we've met, I'm gaining some self confidence.

But now, she's ready to come out.

But some people here in your town couldn't stand the sight of him.

But, in your own country,

By injecting foreign viruses.

Can I call you by any chance?

Can I talk to you alone? I'm sorry.

Careful!

Certainly, Inspector Percek.

Check out the local papers, hit the chapel.

Come and get him.

Come on, come on, big guy... You no good punk!

Come on, Jim!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Hold on, we've gotta hurry.

Crap is what sells newspapers.

Crap? I like crap. I love crap. I need crap.

Created by such an ugly union.

Daddy, Mommy.

Daddy, what is he saying about me?

Dead Frankenstein.

Dead.

Destroy him! And put him out of his torment!

Did you forget when we were children,

Did you happen to catch the look on their faces when I mentioned Malavaqua?

Did you miss me?

Did you see Dracula?

Did you see that? He looked up at the full moon.

Did you want to hurt me?

Dig your frizzy hairdo, Doc.

Do it again.

Do over here.

Do over here.

Do you believe me now?

Do you expect a lot of business here?

Do you know that I had to pick up a wine bottle

Do you make that much noise when you're having sex?

Do you remember how she used to look? Show them.

Do you still seek to write lurid stories

Do you want these things living in your town?

Do you want to wait for lightning, master?

Does this hurt?

Does this hurt?

Doesn't it have an ominous aura about it?

Don't come in.

Don't hurt him, please.

Don't judge this hotel by me.

Don't let that monster get away.

Don't look.

Don't worry, Papa. My work will clear the name of Malavaqua forever!

Don't you want to ask us about...

Dracula?

Easy!

Easy.

Elizabeth, go to town and get the police.

Elizabeth, what did you do?

Enjoy our shops. Enjoy our food.

Enjoy our way of life.

Every time I give you a good lead, you tell me you don't want to go out.

Evidence.

Excuse me, hold on one second. All right, who is it?

Excuse me.

Existence is to be absconded

Facts...

Fejos, can I please speak to Radu?

Fejos.

For 35 years, I've washed your clothes, I've listened to your stories,

For meddling in police affairs.

Frank Sinatra. I was asking about Frank Sinatra, really.

Frankenstein!

Frankenstein!

Frankenstein!

Frankenstein! You remember Frankenstein? Big guy...

Frankenstein?

Frankenstein?

Frankenstein.

Frankenstein. I didn't think he was still alive.

Frankenstein. That's ridiculous.

Frankenstein. You know Frankenstein, don't you?

Freak of nature.

From now on, I don't want anybody to leave this lab. You hear? Anybody.

Full house.

Gentlemen, I'm afraid I must go into the town.

Gentlemen, this line of inquiry is fruitless and beyond your concern.

Get away from here, you fool!

Get away from there. Get, get...

Get back, or I'll cut you.

Get down.

Get down.

Get the girl.

Get to work. This place is a mess. Clean up.

Get up.

Get up.

Get up. When there's so much work to do, you sit down on the job.

Gil, I can't believe it. Look at all this.

Gil, stop playing with Laura.

Gil, thank God.

Gil.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

Go away, Lupi. I cannot stand subordinates.

Go back to sleep.

Go that way. Go and find her.

Go, you do it.

Go.

Go. Bring them to me.

God, that man is pathetic. What does this say?

Good boy. I'll be right back.

Good idea. You do that and I'll stay here and look around.

Good! Then it will be easier for you to deal with rejection.

Good. Everything hurts.

Goodbye.

Great, over there someplace.

Gypsies. Now we're getting somewhere. A touch of the old world.

Hand it to you!

Have a nice day.

Haven't had enough, huh? How about this one!

He acts like a nut when things don't go his way.

He can cover more ground than you can. Go ahead. Don't worry.

He devoted his whole life to trying to cure the common cold

He doesn't care if I live or die.

He gets me so mad.

He goes by the name of Lawrence Malbot.

He has a rare condition called hypertrichosis.

He has my daughter.

He is a werewolf.

He is.

He just found her wandering in the woods.

He makes me sick.

He only sees people by appointment.

He paid for us to come here. Stop it, I'm not gonna listen to this again.

He scared me.

He scared you!

He stepped on me.

He thinks he can stifle the creative genius

He thinks I'm satisfied just playing with white mice.

He was never alive, schmohawk. That's the point.

He wasn't too happy when I got custody of Laura.

He works for the doctor. They're anxious to find Hunyadi.

He'll be all right, master. I gave him a shot.

He's a busy man.

He's a cute little fellow, isn't he?

He's a foreigner. He knows nothing. Get him.

He's Frankenstein. He must be destroyed!

He's good.

He's got a demented mind, not me...

He's got a million of them.

He's my son.

He's not Frankenstein.

He's not making appointments at this time.

He's okay. Now why'd you bring this guy here?

He's one of us. That's Kurt Hunyadi.

He's part of the whole story.

He's remembered as the man who brought herpes to Sicily.

Hello, Gil.

Hello, master.

Hello.

Hello... Phone bit me.

Help me! Help me!

Help me! Help me. Help me. Help...

Help me.

Help!

Here she is. She's fine.

Here, undo this other belt.

Here.

Here. Here, wait.

Here. You know, Gil...

Hey Doc, you know, I think I like the pound better.

Hey, are you...

Hey, can we talk? Can you talk?

Hey, go play with that kid.

Hey, I'll meet you in town.

Hey, I've got Godzilla in the back room.

Hey, if I see Hitler, I'll ask him about the Blob!

Hey, it's fun.

Hey, Twisto, come over here.

Hey, what are you doing? Wait a minute. What are you doing?

Hey, you pretzel.

Hey, you!

Hey, you!

Hi, I'd like to ask you a question.

Hi, ladies.

Hi, this is Mr. Harrison. I'm Mr. Turner.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

His enemy is fire. Light the torches.

Home.

How about the Blob?

How are you?

How can we truly preserve the universe beyond the sphere?

How can you say that? You're gorgeous.

How come you grabbed this reporter by the cajones?

How dare they make fun of my father?

How dare they turn this magnificent castle into a haven to the lay tourist.

How dare you pick on my son.

How long are you gonna keep me in here?

How nice.

Hurt you? No.

I am leaving today.

I am so content.

I asked about Frankenstein.

I asked about Frankenstein.

I can go to the beach now.

I can well understand your Frankenstein fixation.

I can't believe we're talking about this again.

I can't even see the doctor?

I can't imagine what you could be investigating here.

I couldn't get the dude off my back.

I did find one small item about a Dr. Malavaqua,

I didn't believe your story before about the Wolfman, but now I do.

I didn't want to have this conversation one more time.

I don't blame you anymore. I blame myself.

I don't do that.

I don't hate you. What are you doing?

I don't know, but with all this subterfuge and double talk,

I don't know. I don't know, maybe it went out the window.

I don't know. It's over there someplace.

I don't like this at all.

I don't like this.

I don't think she has any more to tell us.

I don't think so.

I don't touch you.

I don't understand it. Rome, Paris, Vienna,

I don't understand.

I don't want to play with the kid. She's not my age.

I don't want you to do this. Or this. And especially this.

I don't work with lightning. I hate it!

I draw the line.

I enjoy these little visits.

I feel like throwing up. I think he's throwing up.

I filled out the death certificate myself.

I gave her a nose job.

I got him. I got him, you big bully. Now your knees are in a lot of trouble.

I got it. No one else has seen it. It's an exclusive.

I got you now, you Communist.

I had to keep her in a high oxygen environment.

I hate it a lot, master!

I have to let them do what they want. They are my masters.

I hired you to raise the vocabulary level of this paper.

I imagine.

I just wanna make everything perfect for you, because you deserve it.

I knew you could do it all along.

I know, I know, it's my sore point.

I know.

I know. But it gets me attention.

I like it, that's a good one.

I like that. I want to do it some more.

I love him so much it hurts.

I love you so much and anything I can ever do to help you...

I love you.

I mean... Yes! We should take their word!

I must be in the wrong church. Excuse me.

I never made up a story in my life.

I said leave me alone.

I said let go. Okay, take it.

I said okay, but when we see the police, you do all the talking.

I say it once in awhile,

I see.

I see. Okay.

I see. You want a... woman.

I should be going to Moscow. I should be going to the Middle East.

I sleep now.

I sleep now.

I sort of pack them in, as you Americans say.

I started growing hair. It grew and grew. It wouldn't stop growing.

I tell you two to keep an eye on him,

I think he's in the abandoned stable.

I think there's something in this room.

I thought I saw someone in my room. I guess I was just dreaming.

I want him. I need him. I love him.

I want to keep the journalistic level very low.

I want you to be sure no one goes in the guests' rooms.

I was following Radu

I was kidding. Where have you been?

I was taking a whiz.

I wasn't really running away.

I welcomed the opportunity to show that there are no scary monsters here.

I work with all this other shit.

I'd like to see Dr. Malavaqua.

I'll be nude when you come back.

I'll cut the g****fruit.

I'll find her.

I'll get you now, you limping monster!

I'll keep it warm for you.

I'll kill you! I'll eat your eyeballs! You no good...

I'll tear every bit of hair you have out of your ass.

I'm being followed master.

I'm going to start working this story. Okay? I say we go to town,

I'm gone.

I'm helping you.

I'm Inspector Percek.

I'm Jack Harrison, by the way. I'm sorry.

I'm just the token brute.

I'm not going to be needing this anymore.

I'm not staying at this hotel. I'm staying at another hotel.

I'm not sure. I think it was some sort of a creature or something.

I'm not your master. You are my wife.

I'm not.

I'm sleepy.

I'm sorry, Elizabeth. Thank you.

I'm sorry, I don't know.

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

I'm sorry, is that your last name?

I'm sorry, you're counting on us for a what story?

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

I'm sorry. I was interrupted by a wind.

I'm sure to get their names in the paper. So, what's up?

I'm sure you will find no ghouls lurking about.

I'm the one who came along on this misguided mission.

I'm trying to listen here.

I'm ugly.

I'm very suspicious. There wasn't even a hint of any tourist scares.

I've been trying to give him electrolysis treatments. Show them.

I've got a lot of work to do on you yet.

I've gotta go find Laura before she wanders too far off.

I've gotta see how my experiments are coming out. Quick.

If I didn't have you chained to the wall, no man in this town would be safe.

If it's our chance, why am I breaking in?

If you need anything, my name is Fejos.

If you want to know my name,

If you want to write about us, write about a happy Transylvania.

In unfamiliar territory.

Inspector Percek, don't you think it's time that we alert the townspeople

Is there anything happening around here?

Isn't this Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow?

It certainly doesn't look like... what did your dad say... "a town in fear," does it?

It could be... how do you Americans say?

It was a compassionate decision,

It was Hunyadi. But he meant her no harm.

It was your police and your mayor.

It's a beautiful day today.

It's a good day!

It's a lady doll.

It's a little like Disneyland.

It's a Mummy.

It's alive!

It's difficult working two jobs.

It's good to be home.

It's good, huh?

It's good, huh?

It's good, huh? It's funny!

It's impolite to walk into a person's room without knocking.

It's just that he keeps bothering me.

It's me, you fool.

It's morning already.

It's not my fault.

It's not the Wolfman. This is Lawrence Malbot Jr.

It's over.

It's so good to have you back where you belong.

It's time to get to work.

Jack, get him out! Get him out of the lab!

Jack, I've been looking all over for you.

Jack!

Jack! I found out something. How the hell do I get out of here?

Jack! Jack!

Jack. I can't find Laura.

Jack. Jack!

Junior, I'm sorry.

Just as I thought.

Just don't make up anything. Don't make up stories.

Just look at the offspring

Just rooms. Just what I saw: Nothing.

Just stand by the door.

Just the same, I wanna go to the old age home.

Later we shall eat, but first, let me show you to your rooms.

Later. Get back to work!

Laura, don't go too far.

Laura, I told you to stay near me.

Laura, it's your mommy.

Laura!

Laura!

Laura!

Laura!

Laura!

Laura!

Laura!

Laura!

Laura!

Laura!

Laura! Oh, my God. Where is she?

Laura. Laura!

Let me show you to your rooms.

Let's dance. I'll lead.

Let's get to work.

Let's go inside and ask him some questions.

Let's hear what he has to say.

Let's look at life as adults.

Life has run its course.

Life has run its course...

Light the fire!

Like other people.

Listen to him.

Listen to me. This is not Frankenstein.

Listen to this. Malavaqua called that little weasel at the castle.

Listen, Elizabeth...

Listen. They are the children of the night.

Look around you. Crap, crap, crap. Crap, crap, crap, crap.

Look at my nose.

Look at your gears, they're completely rusted.

Look, didn't you hire me to raise the journalistic level of this paper?

Look, Elizabeth, we're both...

Look, I'll only be in town a couple of days.

Look, it's Frankenstein!

Look, there's the castle.

Look, this area's too much.

Look, when you talk to me, don't touch me.

Lunch is here, masters. I prepared it all myself.

Lupi, leave me alone.

Lupi, Radu. Please, don't work so hard.

Ma, you stink.

Madame Morovia, I have to talk to you. It's urgent.

Malavaqua has played me for a fool.

Man trying to get in! Man trying to get in!

Master, I've had enough aggravation for one day.

May I help you?

May I say, I have no problem with crap.

May I see his file?

Maybe a little blue juice, a little cran apple juice.

Maybe he was traversing uncharted territory. Maybe...

Maybe later.

Maybe we should wait.

Maybe? I got a maybe out of you? Come on, let's go back to the castle and see Radu.

Maybe? No, no, you've got nothing there. Don't you get that?

Maybe.

Mayor, it's for you.

Me, I'm just pissing through, I think.

Me, me, me! All you ever think about is "me"!

Me? If it wasn't for you, I'd be investigating

Miss Ellison, calm yourself. We shall look for her after the festival.

Mister.

Mitzy to Fritzy. Mitzy to Fritzy.

Mitzy, Fritzy. Mitzy, Fritzy.

More of Malavaqua's handiwork, that wolf and those creatures.

Move over.

Mr. Turner.

My bloodshot beauty speaks up.

My experiments... My favorite...

My father was a great scientist. He was a great man.

My father will have a field day with these pictures!

My favorite is here?

My favorite?

My friends, we are expecting you.

My glove! My glove.

My pinkie.

My son is the Wolfman.

Neither can I. I'll stay away.

Neither can I. No, don't... I don't want to talk about that.

Never mind me. Do something about Malavaqua.

New York, New York.

Next week, I want a banner headline:

Nice.

No cream? Sugar.

No harm? Her mother's in town worried sick about her.

No, don't bother the mayor. Please don't.

No, don't...

No, Gil, it's a phony. Those guys obviously staged the whole thing.

No, he's still asleep. If you see him, tell him I'm going into town

No, I want to stay here and look.

No, I'm fine.

No, I'm sure they have one.

No, it's a monster.

No, no, has there been any trouble, any strange goings on?

No, no, just kidding. I was just kidding. I love you, I love you.

No, no, Mac, I don't want to go out on a monster story.

No, no! Just tell me. Tell me.

No, wait!

No, wait! I want to show you something.

No! Elizabeth!

No! No!

No! You... You idiot!

No? What do you call this and that and this?

No.

No. I mean... Frankenstein.

No. You get up and you look for her now.

Nonsense.

Not my pants, this belt. This belt!

Not the movie. The person. Never mind.

Not the one you seek.

Nothing wrong with making a buck.

Nothing. I asked the clerk a simple question.

Now do over here.

Now do over here.

Now do over there.

Now get out.

Now I gotta wait for "Who is it?"

Now listen to me, all of you.

Now that we're here, I'm going to wring your neck.

Now that's a coincidence. We just talked to Percek and the mayor about the doctor,

Now wait a minute.

Now we are going to the wine festival.

Now what am I going to do with this meddling reporter?

Now you all had your nice little excuses, and I'm the one who's in the soup.

Now, hear this, both of you.

Now, we're not pushing it just a little with this Frankenstein thing.

Nude?

Odette? Would you come on out?

Odette.

Of course not.

Of course. It's a real paper. Their editor doesn't fall for stupidity,

Of the great Victorio Malavaqua.

Oh, but... hi!

Oh, come on now. Wait a minute.

Oh, for crying out loud, boys...

Oh, God!

Oh, I know why.

Oh, Mayor?

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

Oh, my God. I'm terribly sorry. We thought you were an animal.

Oh, really? Is that why his license was revoked?

Oh, that's good.

Oh, yeah. I'm going into town.

Okay, did you get anything? Or did I waste my expertise on dilly dallying?

Okay, fine. I'll make an appointment.

Okay, I go to check out the chapel... Do you think this is suspicious?

Okay, I'll get ready. I need the g****fruit.

Okay, I'm busy now. I'm busy now.

Okay, let's see. We've got the sandwiches over there.

Okay, Malavaqua, where's the little girl?

Okay, now, do you all remember Ugly Hattie?

Okay, okay...

Okay, so they don't want to talk about him.

Okay, then we get the bowls.

Okay, where is he? He's got my friend. There's a child missing.

Okay, you go. And I'll meet you there later.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. But I'll be right back.

Okay. Thank you for your help.

Okay. We run.

Old age home, nothing.

Once and for all, stay away from me. Don't touch me.

One o'clock. I'm late.

Only of course it is themed to Transylvanian lore.

Only relatives of the guests are allowed to visit.

Only when you come back, you better come back with a story.

Or how about the Creature from the Black Lagoon?

Or if you do go out, you come back with nothing.

Or, you know, Laura's so capable. She's very grown up.

Ouch!

Our new sewer system. Our skysc****r! Six floors, you know.

Our newspaper didn't send us all this way to write about a sewer.

Out!

Over here. What's that? What...

Patient trying to get out! There's a patient trying to get out!

Patrick Glenn. Odette Belo. Don Vlad.

People boarded up their homes.

Phone.

Picnic?

Please, don't call me master anymore.

Please, don't hit me. And what about your first job?

Please, forgive me.

Please, he's too strong for you.

Please, Radu, go to the laboratory and make sure that Hunyadi is there.

Prove it.

Put this in my car.

Put your face to my breasts. Tell me you want me too.

Quick. Quick, go check up on the animals.

Radu, are you okay?

Radu, attack.

Radu, Lupi, from now on, I'm going to be good to you two all the time.

Radu, Lupi, quick. Come cut the bandages.

Radu, you're my friend for 20 years. I love you.

Radu!

Radu?

Really on vacation now.

Relax. Go ahead. That's nice.

Right, I'm your wife, master.

Run! Run!

Run! Run! Look, it's Frankenstein!

See?

Seven alive, two dead.

Seven alive, two dead.

Sharing the same air.

Sharing the same environment.

She doesn't want me to hurt him.

She was half naked and she nearly swallowed my face.

She's a lovely child. Is she yours?

She's dead!

Shut up, I'm working.

Shut up, you lowlife!

Shut up! Now you're both gonna get it good. You are gonna get it good.

Simple, go to the front and climb over the wall. Take off the robe.

Sit down. Take a rest.

Smell everything. Here.

Smell it. It's good.

So am I.

So do tears surround the predestined end.

So they had him transferred from intensive care

So what?

So what? My doctor lost his license to practice medicine. There's no story.

So you kept her in a coffin. Sick.

So, what about tonight?

So?

Some old gypsy man delivered it. Here.

Somebody help me. Help me, somebody.

Something's sneaking up on him. What's that? What is that?

Sometimes, permits itself the luxury of...

Soon you will be perfect, my favorite one.

Sorry.

Sorry. Elizabeth, you there? Hello? Hello?

Sounds like it.

Spread these lies about Larry,

Stand up straight.

Start spreading the news.

Stay away from me.

Stop that, I'm your doctor. Get against the wall.

Story? There'll be no story until my experiments are completed.

Strange? You are looking for something...

Such a happy people with their "Jorks" and "Jorks".

Sure you can. Go ahead, now try it.

Sure you do.

Sure, we know that one, of course. "New York," hit it boys.

Sure, what are we gonna ask him? "How often do you shave?

Sure, yeah. These contractors.

Sure. It's more important to feed those pigs upstairs!

Take a shot of me.

Take him away.

Take it again. Take it again.

Take me home!

Take this, take this!

Take up dance. Who knows? You could be another Gene Astaire.

Thank you, master.

Thank you, Radu. You're very kind.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That Frankenstein doesn't live here anymore.

That hurts.

That I can answer. They took the night off.

That is why I have hired people like him and Fejos.

That must not happen again.

That story on labor exploitation in the hemp plant.

That stupid, pompous Percek.

That the government gives them to fix him up,

That was a book. That was a movie. That wasn't real life.

That was brilliant. But don't that to me anymore, I'm anxiety prone.

That was my husband. He is a wolf.

That's enough.

That's exactly what we must not do!

That's fine. Call me master.

That's funny.

That's good...

That's Larry?

That's lemon juice for the tea.

That's what the police in this town are looking to do.

The allegory of a physical mountain for the spiritual to understand...

The answer lies in a secret passageway under the bridge of the castle.

The answer you seek lies with Madame Morovia."

The chief of police tried to kill me!

The creature from Estée Lauder!

The creature walks as a man by day.

The editor of the local paper was very close...

The facts, Gil. The facts!

The facts... I'm spending the night in this room.

The film, the thing going through the door.

The first night I slept here, I thought I saw Dracula.

The guard isn't here. Why'd you get down?

The infantile stupidity. First, the chief of police attacks you.

The magic has gone.

The mayor.

The monster has returned.

The monster story.

The one you headlined: "Women Forced to Work in **** Factory."

The only monster is the phone bill.

The only way to stop this madness is to get him out of the lab.

The owner would like to have you for lunch.

The police are breathing down my neck.