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Home > Clerks. (1994)
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Clerks. (1994)

Clerks. (1994)

"Clerks" is a cult classic film released in 1994, directed by Kevin Smith. This indie comedy centers around a day in the lives of two clerks, Dante Hicks (played by Brian O'Halloran) and Randal Graves (played by Jeff Anderson), who work at a small convenience store and adjacent video rental store, respectively. As they deal with irate customers, eccentric friends, and the monotony of their jobs, hilarity ensues. The film captures the mundane yet relatable struggles of working-class individuals, mixed with a sharp wit and clever dialogue.

If you are a fan of this iconic film, you can now relive its soundtrack and memorable quotes by playing and downloading these sounds. Immerse yourself in the world of "Clerks" through the nostalgic tunes and dialogue that make this film so beloved by its dedicated fanbase. So grab some snacks, kick back, and enjoy this slice of 90s indie cinema that has influenced countless filmmakers and continues to be widely cherished today.

A construction job of that magnitude would require...
A deep inhalation of oxygen to aid in the stretching of muscles.
A guy makes a woman come, it's talent.
A little taller than her ? Gorgeous body ?
A little word of advice: Sometimes you got to let those hard to reach chips go.
A lot more manpower than the lmperial Army had to offer.
A paper or something ?
A roofer listens to this, not his wallet.
A trach ring.
A woman makes a guy come, it's standard.
A woman's intuition.
A woman's intuition.
Actually, l once had to tag a kid that broke his neck trying to put his mouth on his penis.
After a lapse in enrollment.
After all the talking we've been doing.
After dropping a bombshell like that, you owe me big.
After that, I'm gone. The boss comes in.
After the blow job, he likes to have it spit back into his mouth while kissing.
All I'm saying is, if you're that unhappy, you should leave.
All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.
All right ! Jesus, you fuckers are pushy !
All right, asshole. You're on.
All right, but you're missin' out. Chicks with dicks.
All right, here we go. I got it.
All right, there's a stick over there. You're shooting up against this goal.
All right. You want me to bring the VCR over so we can watch this ?
All she did was unloosen the nuts and put the tire on.
All the other guys I went with before l met you. If you want to have a complex, go ahead.
All Tit Fucking, Volume Eight, I Need Your Cock,
Along come these left wing militants who blast everything...
Am l missing something here ?
And a pack of cigarettes.
And claimed that a Quick Stop employee...
And he insisted that l wear the ring anyway.
And he said most of them were college guys l never even seen or met before.
And he told you all of this ?
And he's in Vermont ? I'm not even supposed to be here today !
And if l see you again, I'm gonna break your fucking head open !
And if you don't mind, I'd like to stew a bit.
And instead of me lifting it, I shit my pants.
And l hope it feels good.
And l know that's what I'd become.
And l like to have something to read while it's going on.
And l should break the disengagement news to my mother,
And my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks.
And say, ""Please, Mr. Merchant of Death, sir, please,
And sent me down to issue a fine.
And shit herself.
And that made you feel better ?
And the fact that you have to come in on your day off, why don't you quit ?
And then I'm gonna try to talk to Veronica.
And then I'm gonna try to talk to Veronica.
And this is his revenge by putting this bogus article in the paper when it went to press.
And when she dumps you again and l promise you, she will
And you know what we're gonna do ? We're gonna go to that party and get some pussy.
And you people Don't you have jobs to go to ? Get out of here. Go commute.
And you're calling me a slut in so many words.
And, yes, allow me to placate your ego.
Any contractor working on that Death Star knew the risk involved.
Any person who sells or makes available tobacco,
Are either one of these any good ?
Are you sure ? Maybe there's a vindictive printer working for you.
As if a guy's a fucking pervert 'cause he tries to go down on himself.
As if somewhere beyond all the other gallons is a container of milk...
As such, we have certain obligations that, although they may seem cruel and unusual,
Aside from the cheating, we were a great couple.
Ass Worshipping Rim Jobbers, My Cunt And Eight Shafts,
At which time, yes, l would love to go for dinner and a movie with you.
Aw, shit !
Balls resting on his lips.
Be there by 12:00 ? Where ?
Because going down isn't a big deal.
Because l did only have sex with three guys.
Because l loved you and wanted to see you...
Because l won't let it be like that. You want your slut ? Fine, the slut is yours.
Being that you work at a video store.
Best of Both Worlds ?
Break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya.
Bummer. Well, l gotta head back for the 1:30 class.
But don't look at me like I'm the town whore, because you were plenty busy before you met me.
But don't pine for one and fuck the other.
But I'm not going to sit here holding your hand anymore until you figure it out !
But l didn't sell any cigarettes to any kids !
But l don't have the ability to risk the comfortable situations...
But l will return in a little while,
But l, uh, thought maybe you'd let me use it anyway.
But meanwhile, all you ever do is talk about Caitlin.
But they don't all bring ya Lasagna at work.
But you're living in denial and suppressing rage, motherfucker.
But, uh, maybe l could have something in the back there to read ?
By a koala fish mutant bird.""
Bye. Take it easy.
Caitlin and l can't be together. It's impossible.
Can l, uh, give you a lift somewhere ?
Can you imagine being halfway decent to the customers sometimes ?
Can't we ever have a discussion without that coming up ?
Casualties of a war they had nothing to do with.
Chick only made you nuts, man. She cheated on you how many times ?
Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante, and badly, l might add !
Come on, Silent Bob. Let's get the fuck outta this fuckin' gyp joint...
Come on. Get him, get him !
Come on. Let's go, let's go ! Come on, come on. Get him !
Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't she one of the illustrious 12 ?
Cruddy lung, smoking through a hole in your throat.
Cum Clean, Cum Gargling Naked Sluts, Cum Buns III,
Cumming in Socks, Cum On ilene,
Cute. Tell me you wouldn't wanna go out with me again...
Damn, that's eerie.
Dante ?
Dante Hicks. Why ? What's this all about ?
Dante, this is Willam Black. This is Dante Hicks, my boyfriend.
Dante, you have a customer.
Did he have the adult magazine when he came in ?
Did you ever notice that all the prices end in ""9"" ?
Do l get to hit you after you tell me ?
Do you always talk this weird after you violate a woman ?
Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie that was out last year ?
Do you sell hubcaps for a '72 Pinto hatchback ?
Do you, like, anally **** my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank ?
Does that include me ?
Doing all sorts of endurance tests and stuff.
Don't hold it against him. He just never got Caitlin out of his system.
Don't hurt yourself, buddy. I'll go to Big Choice Video instead.
Don't take this the wrong way, but, uh, l used to fuck her.
Don't you think you're taking this a bit too hard ?
Done poisoning the youth for today, huh ?
Duh ! I'm about to become single again.
Empire had the better ending.
Especially since l rule.
Even though l work in a video store, I choose to rent movies at Big Choice.
Every time l kiss you, I'm gonna taste 36 other guys.
Everybody in school knew about it. Even in my class.
Everybody knows about this except me ! Do you know how humiliating that is ?
Everyone said it was a stupid move, but l didn't care...
Exactly ! Which means I can't close it for another hour just so we can both go to a wake.
Excuse me. Have you been here all day ?
Failure to remit before the due date...
Fifty three dollars a week on cigarettes ! Come on !
Five hundred bucks ? For what ?
For good, cancer merchant !
For violation of New Jersey Statute, Section 2A, Number 170/51.
For violation of New Jersey Statute, Section 2A, Number 170/51.
Forget Caitlin Bree. You been with Veronica how long now ?
Forget it. l don't wanna deal with a guy that sells cigarettes to four year olds.
Freaking out because I've gone down a couple of guys.
Fuck ""in a second"" ! Oh, look at you. You can't even pass.
Fuck you !
Fuck, fuck, fuck ! I'm not even supposed to be here today.
Fuckin' a good plate with nothin' on it ?""
Fucking dickhead.
Fucking kids.
Fucking pervert.
Get out of here !
Get ripped and, hopefully, get laid.
Girls Who Crave Cock, Girls Who Crave Cunt,
God, here l am, throwing myself at you, succumbing to your wily charms,
God, that was so great !
Good bye, Dante !
Han gets frozen, taken away by Boba Fett. it ends on such a down note.
Have some chips. You'll feel better.
He asked me for it.
He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick.
He didn't say a word. He didn't have to.
He just sat there and let me do all the work.
He left at what time ?
He probably saw that Caitlin chick. I know l felt like beatin' it when l saw her.
He promised me he'd be here by noon !
He really went to Vermont ? When the hell was someone going to tell me?
He said it was important to have standards. He says no one has any pride anymore.
He smells the change is coming !
He smoked until the day he died.
He was masturbating, his heart seized and he died.
He went home to change for the big date.
He went to go rent a movie. He isn't back yet.
He's right.
He's scared now 'cause he sees the threat we present.
Hell of a game.
Hello.
Hello. Hello ?
Here comes the speech about how he's just doing his job by following orders.
Here, let me refund your money and we'll call if even, all right ?
Here, now l am a customer. I'm gonna buy some Chewlies gum.
Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs.
Hey ! Hey, you ! Get back here.
Hey, any balls down there ?
Hey, Caitlin's in the back. You might want to check on her.
Hey, good luck with Veronica.
Hey, Redding ! Come on. Get this fucker !
Hey, Ronni. How you been, man ?
Hey, that's tight. Solid.
Hey, the floor looks pretty clean. I put the cat next door.
Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot !
Hey, uh, let me ask you a question. Think this guy's out of shape ?
Hey, what're you, a fucking faggot ? I hate guys.
Hit 'em, hit 'em, hit 'em !
Hmm, I've touched a nerve.
Hockey is hockey. At least we got to play.
Hold on to the counter and I'll pull.
Hold on. You feeling limber ?
Holy shit ! l didn't even think they enforced this.
Honesty through paranoia.
How did you get here so fast ?
How do you know they're taking the right amount of change or even paying for what they take ?
How flattering.
How long you been smoking ?
How many different girls have you slept with ?
How many guys l slept with because you never even bothered to ask.
How many people ever come to the store at 4:00 on a Saturday ?
How many times have l told you not to be dealing in front of the store ?
How much can you bench ?
How you could romanticize your relationship with Caitlin.
How you've been waiting until the time was right, and then you were going to dump me for her ?
How's your eye ?
I asked him why nobody ever called the manager, and he said it happens...
I brought the orange one and... the orange one.
I called the locksmith. He said the earliest he could be here is tomorrow morning.
I can get you on an aerobics/free weights program.
I can't believe it. I haven't seen you in so long.
I can't fucking believe this.
I can't help it. At least on the roof, I could see if anybody wanted to go in.
I can't make changes in my life Like that. lf l could, l would.
I can't play today. I'm stuck at work.
I can't say for certain until we get him back to the lab, but my guess is...
I could never put my finger on it, but something just wasn't right.
I deal with every backward assed fuck on the planet.
I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you fucked !
I didn't sell cigarettes to any kids ! I swear !
I don't care if she's my cousin, I'm gonna knock those boots again tonight.
I don't have love handles !
I don't know if sorry can make up for it.
I don't know if you know this, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.
I don't know, dude. That Caitlin chick's nice, but l see that Veronica girl...
I don't know, Like a typographical error or something.
I don't know. Can't really tell from here.
I don't know. I wasn't watching.
I don't know. Maybe we should just see what happens.
I don't know. She was senile. She used to fuckin' piss herself all the time...
I don't know. Since l was about 13.
I don't need this. I'm not even supposed to be here today.
I don't think so. That was a grunt.
I don't think your manager would appreciate it
I don't want to be a wife first and then have to worry about...
I don't want to get married now. I'm on the verge of graduation.
I even transferred so maybe you'd be more inclined...
I feel good today, Silent Bob. We're gonna make some money.
I feel so ineffectual. Is there anything l can do for you ?
I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
I give him five more minutes. After that, I'm calling the cops.
I got it ! l got it ! It's mine, it's mine !
I had a friend that chewed glass for a living. in the circus.
I had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me was weed and shit.
I had to knock you down from that cloud you were floating on.
I have enough indignities in my life and people start throwing cigarettes at me.
I heard you apologize. Why ? You had every reason in the world to be mad.
I just believe in giving credit where credit's due,
I just closed last night.
I just saw Alyssa's Little sister outside.
I just talked to her on Monday. We still hang out on weekends.
I knew who he was, and based on that, I turned the job over to a friend.
I know. I'm sorry, but when we started talking, it was like l forgot l had a boyfriend.
I left like an hour ago.
I like the cartoons. They make me laugh.
I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny.
I Look. l don't know thing one about chicks.
I love her.
I love you ! Don't feel sick.
I mean, is it rough or is it cottony ?
I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father.
I mean, that's what life is: a series of down endings.
I need one each of the following tapes:
I needed shoe polish to make that sign out there.
I never thought you capable of such a blatant disregard of store policy.
I never tried it.
I put her back in it. it's not like it matters if she breaks something.
I saw her rubbin' your back, fuckin' comes and brings your food.
I saw it happen in Food City, Like, last year. Different guy, though.
I saw one one time that said,
I saw the announcement in today's paper.
I see you sell the soft stuff back there.
I smell like shoe polish.
I still get free Gatorade, right ?
I stopped by your house. Your mom told me you left, like, at 6:00 or something.
I swear. Olaf, metal.
I talk to her all the time and she never mentioned this engagement.
I think I'll drink it in here. Thanks.
I think it's time we got back together.
I think l can handle it.
I think that constitutes something more than just seeing somebody.
I think the arguments Veronica and l are having are some kind of manifestation...
I think the idea, or the conception of us dating,
I thought he'd be at your side Like an obedient lapdog.
I thought maybe you could Let me have a roll of the soft stuff.
I thought that place was supposed to be open at 11:00. it's 11:20.
I thought you just said you went to play hockey and then went to a funeral.
I told her that. She said she didn't need any.
I told her that. She said she didn't need any.
I told you I'd been seeing other people.
I understood that you had sex with three guys and that's all you said !
I used to like a guy, we'd make out, and sooner or later I'd go down on him.
I walked in the other day, that son of a bitch was sleeping.
I wanna talk to you about something, and l don't wanna be disturbed.
I want to go to a good video store so l can get a good movie.
I want to go to grad school after this, and then l want to start a career.
I want to laugh in your face so you realize that...
I want you to come with me on Monday.
I want you to follow through on this so you can find out what a fucking idiot you are !
I wanted to use your car. Snack cake.
I was gonna tell you, but we were getting along so well, I didn't wanna mess it up.
I was just wondering if the article was a misprint.
I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what l was saying.
I went back there and Dante was already waiting for me.
I work in a shitty video store, badly as well.
I would've told you, and you would've stopped calling me, like a baby.
I would've went to Big Choice, but the tape l want is right there on that wall.
I wouldn't be allowed to spit water at that guy, but l did.
I'd like to get paid to sit on my ass and watch TV.
I'd like to place an order.
I'll bet they brought independent contractors in on that thing.
I'll bet you 20 bucks you don't get to rent that tape.
I'll fuck anything that moves !
I'll knock your fucking teeth out and pass all over your ass !
I'll never come in here again.
I'll throw this out as a precautionary measure.
I'm a contractor myself. I'm a roofer.
I'm a curious party. A curious party.
I'm a customer engaged in a discussion with the other customers.
I'm a disturbance ? You're the disturbance, pal.
I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class,
I'm a trainer. l know what that sound signifies. You're out of shape.
I'm alive because l knew the risk involved in that particular client.
I'm an ex boyfriend, and, well,
I'm astonished to hear you you trivialize my role in our sex life.
I'm callin' out. Goin' to the hospital and visit Caitlin.
I'm callin' out. Goin' to the hospital and visit Caitlin.
I'm glad you calmed down a bit. Hi, Randal.
I'm going to offer you some advice, my friend. Let the past be the past.
I'm gonna break your fucking head, you fucking jerk !
I'm gonna shit in the motherfucker's bag.
I'm insulted. Believe me, Don Juan, it takes more than that to get a guy off.
I'm just glad that Randal had the balls to tell me since you couldn't !
I'm more mature, you're more mature. You're finishing college.
I'm not dealing. What're you talking about ?
I'm not even supposed to be here today !
I'm not fooling around. I just came in from outside.
I'm not gonna miss what's probably gonna be the social event of the season.
I'm not so young anymore and I'm, how do you say, a little incontinent.
I'm offering you my body, and you're offering me semantics.
I'm on the phone with the distribution house. Let me make sure they got it.
I'm playing hockey at 2:00.
I'm satisfied with my situation for now. You don't hear me complaining.
I'm serious.
I'm sorry, Dante. I thought you understood.
I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages,
I'm surprised you didn't know about it, Dante.
I'm talking about this thing you have, this inability to improve your station in life.
I'm telling you, it wasn't my fault.
I'm the source of all your misery.
I've already called his house twice. He'll be here soon.
I've encouraged you to get out of this fucking dump and go back to school,
I've got a hockey game at 2:00, and the steel shutters are jammed closed.
I've got no time to bullshit around, waiting for that son of a bitch.
I've tried with you, Dante.
If I'd known you were here, I'd have come even later.
If l had to work here all day, I'd be bloated and out of shape too.
If l wasn't such a fucking coward.
If they got killed, it's their own fault.
If you didn't wanna go out with me anymore, why didn't you say so ?
If you must.
If you tell me the title of the movie, he'll hold it for you.
If you think 37 dicks are a lot, just wait and see, mister.
If you want Caitlin, then talk to Veronica and be with Caitlin.
If you want Veronica, then be with Veronica.
If you're gonna drink it in here, I'd appreciate it if you don't bother the customers.
If you're gonna drink that coffee, I think you oughta take it outside, huh?
If your job was as meaningless as theirs, wouldn't you go crazy too ?
In English. Come on, ""Berserker."" Girls think sexy.
In light of this lurid tale, I don't see...
In the next week's paper, they said,
Including you ? Yes.
Insert somewhere close, preferably moist, thrust, repeat.
Instead of working at a steady job.
Instead you pussyfoot around and see that slut behind my back !
Interesting postscript to that story. Do you know who wound up in that bedroom with Brad ?
Is a lot more idyllic than what actually happens when we date.
Is regarded as disorderly.
Is that what they teach you in that school of yours ? ""Kind of,"" ""sort of"" ?
It better be up to and including me.
It must be great to have this ability to simplify things the way you do.
It says, ""Bree to wed Asian design major.""
It says, ""Bree to wed Asian design major.""
It was a mess. He was on his bed, his legs doubled over himself.
It wasn't directed at you. I was making a broad generalization.
It's called snowballing.
It's cheaper than cigarettes, and it certainly beats this.
It's gonna knock the hell out of my hemorrhoids.
It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys.
It's important to me, Dante.
It's just the shock of seeing me after three years.
It's like in order to join they have to have an I.Q. less than their shoe size.
It's not like you laid the eggs yourself.
It's not your fault. it's Dante.
It's that mentality that allows the cancer producing industry to thrive.
It's what they install in your throat when cancer takes your voice box.
Jesus ! What next ?
Jesus Christ ! What next ?
Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here.
Jesus, there you go, trying to pass the buck.
Jesus, when does he get back ? Tuesday ? You've gotta be fucking kidding me !
Jesus, you got a one track mind. It's always Caitlin, Caitlin, Caitlin.
Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job.
Jesus.
Just being there, as you put it, is not enough.
Keep it.
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Asian Design Major herself, Caitlin Bree.
Let me in !
Let me tell you about another group of hate mongers that were just following orders.
Let's kick some ass ! Yeah !
Let's see some credentials. Slowly !
Liar ! Tell me there aren't customers that annoy the piss out of you on a daily basis.
Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here.
Like what ?
Like you said, she snowballed him.
Like your cigarettes are doing now !
Like, three dollars in mixed change and a couple of singles.
Line up three other guys, make like a circus seal.
Line up three other guys, make like a circus seal.
Look who you're asking here. How're we gonna block the street ?
Look, you're a roofer. Some juicy government contract comes your way.
Lovely story.
Luke blew it up. Give credit where credit's due.
Make sure he gets that.
Man goes into cage, cage goes into salsa.
Man, if you weren't such a fucking coward
Maybe it should say, ""Caitlin Bray"" or ""Caitlin Bre"" with one ""E.""
Maybe just a group of customers.
Maybe the Asian design major slipped her some opium.
Maybe we oughta soap your hand up.
Meaning ?
Meaning like, someone who asked her out once and got shot down,
Melodrama comin' from you seems about as natural as an oral bowel movement.
Men Alone II: The KY Connection, Pink Pussy Lips,
Mom freaked out.
Most of 'em just cheat on ya.
My friend is trying to convince me that independent contractors working on the Death Star...
My legs are still shaking.
My mother told me once that when l was three years old,
My point is that people dictate their own behavior.
My potty lid was closed,
My question is: How did she come to have sex with a dead man ?
Nah, man, don't let it bother you. That was a long time ago.
Name it.
Never once accepting responsibility for the way your situation is.
No tone either. You don't get enough exercise.
No, everything's spelled fine.
No, everything's spelled fine.
No, I'm not.
No, I'm sayin' if you're gonna be insubordinate, might as well go the full nine,
No, it's never too late.
No, l don't work today.
No, l I'll be all right.
No, l transferred into Monmouth this year. l was tired of missing him.
No, l was visiting my man.
No, that can't be. I just talked to him this morning.
No, wait. l fucked up. ""What's a good plate with nothin' on it ?""
No.
No. l place the time of death about 3:20.
No. No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you.
No. To an Asian design major.
Nobody's there. It's 4:00 on a Saturday.
Not a word ! Not a fucking word, that slippery shit.
Not this one. Maybe the one you got underneath this one.
Nothing personal.
Now it's time to head over to Atlantic, drink some beers,
Now you wanna go back to her so she can fuck you over some more !
Now, lose the skates, Dorothy Hamill, and open the fucking store !
Of a subconscious desire to break up with her,
Of course we're all gonna die someday ! Do we have to pay for it ?
Of why l came all the way here from Ohio
Oh ! [ Screaming ]
Oh ! Like your life's any better.
Oh ! Why, Mr. Hicks, whatever do you mean ?
Oh, come here, bitch. You like this ? Huh ?
Oh, fuck you ! Fuck you, pal !
Oh, hey, Caitlin ?
Oh, it's not like I'm miles away.
Oh, Jesus. You're so caustic.
Oh, l I'm sorry. I guess we kinda got carried away.
Oh, l love a macho facade. It is such a turn on.
Oh, l love your sexy talk. It's so kindergarten.
Oh, look at you. ""l don't hang out with drug dealers.""
Oh, lord. Can l use your bathroom ?
Oh, man ! Hey !
Oh, man, it's great.
Oh, my God. Why did you tell me you only had sex with three guys ?
Oh, please. I'm surprised l didn't kill you.
Oh, so we didn't just have sex in the bathroom ?
Oh, that's great.
Oh, the ""Dante Hicks Dinner and Movie"" date.
Oh, what ? What's with you, man ?
Oh, yeah, and, uh, All Holes Filled with Hard Cock.
Oh, you used to go out with her ?
Oh, you're the queen.
Okay.
Okay. I'm sorry about that.
On the big money and the fabulous prizes !
One ball ? l close the store, they come all the way here, for one ball ?
One of the magazines you got in the back behind the counter.
One, l hate it when people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.
Ooh ! Mini Trucker magazine.
Oooh ! Navy SEALS !
Or tobacco related products, to persons under the age of 18,
Ow ! What'd you do that for ?
Pack of cigarettes. Hey, congratulations.
Peanut butter and jelly with the crusts cut off. What do you think it is ?
Please, Veronica, at this point, the last thing l need is a lecture.
Point is, l can't play today. Neither can Randal. He's working too.
Practically everybody does it right on the window.
Pretty much. All except the latent homosexuality part. That's just my theory.
Pull yourself out of this senseless funk that you've been in...
Put it Where it Doesn't Belong, My Pipes Need Cleaning,
Put the cigarettes back, and try some gum instead.
Remind me if he wants to buy something.
Report stock increase.""
Said the store was closed for two hours yesterday. l tore up his membership.
Salsa shark.
Same time. What about you ?
Sanford's brother dates her cousin. He found out this morning.
Sang's just signed with a major firm, and he's gonna be pulling in a huge salary,
Say, uh, what kind of toilet paper you got back there ?
Says me. I've been here half an hour. I'd call that first dibs.
Scourge of the video renter.
Screw me ?
See you later, handsome.
See you when you close. Enjoy the lasagna.
Shark's in the salsa. Our shark.
She broke your heart and inadvertently drove men to deviant lifestyles.
She meant nothing to you neither 'til l told you she died.
She said not to come home until after graduation.
She wants me to leave here and go back to school and get some direction.
She was supposed to meet Brad in a dark bedroom. She picked the wrong one.
She's finishing college and about to enter the real world. That's scary for anyone.
She's not marrying that guy. She went home to tell her mom.
Shit !
Shit, my grandmother used to say, ""What's better ?
Shit, my mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. l call him ""Dad.""
Shit, yeah. Don't that motherfucker owe me ten bucks ?
Shocking abuse of authority.
Show some bedroom proficiency, you think you're gods.
Shut the fuck up, junkie.
Shut up a second and I'll tell you. Jesus !
Silvan made it up. It's a blow job thing.
Since that whore dumped you oh, so many years ago.
Sneaking around behind your back !
So I'm no more responsible for my decisions here than, say, a death squad soldier in Bosnia ?
So I'm stuck here until closing ?
So I'm told.
So if you gotta cry or something, I can get outta here.
So l can pursue a more meaningful relationship with Caitlin.
So much more important than it really is.
So playing hockey and attending wakes are standard operating procedures ?
So that's it. He doesn't love you anymore. He loves Caitlin.
So you're gonna be miserable 'cause you don't have the guts to face change ?
So, do you have any new movies in ?
So, how much is this thing anyway ?
So, I'll see you when you close then. Can we go out for coffee ?
So, you still talk to Silvan ?
Sold her four year old daughter a pack of cigarettes at 4:00 today.
Some guy just came in refusing to pay late fees.
Something inside of me says it's time to give the old boy a serious try.
Something just never sat right with me that second time around.
Something l read in the tabloids.
Sometimes it takes me a while,
Sometimes l think the only reason you come to work is to make my life miserable.
Sounds to me like somebody needs to hit the gym.
Speaking as a roofer, l can tell you a roofer's personal politics...
Stock boy said he'd been looking through cartons of eggs for half an hour,
Stop being an asshole. Someone's gotta watch the store.
Stop it. This isn't funny.
Sure. How 'bout the beach ?
Swear you'll be there by 12:00 and I'll do it.
Territoriality. He was mine first.
Th
Than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there ?
Than the people that come in here to buy a paper or, God forbid, cigarettes.
Thank you. Why don't you go back to the video store ?
Thanks for putting me in such a tough spot. You're a good friend.
Thanks.
Thanks. l thought l was going to have to go to the hospital.
That guy's an asshole. Everybody that comes in here is way too uptight.
That was what you gave up our relationship for !
That will probably get me ostracized from both school and home.
That won't go bad for like a decade.
That's beautiful, man.
That's beautiful, man.
That's his fucking metal face. Olaf, girl nice ?
That's not cheating. People say crazy shit during sex.
That's sick, Dante.
That's stretching it. You're not being asked to slay children or anything.
That's the way things are. They're not gonna change.
That's what high school was about: algebra, bad lunch and infidelity.
That's what you're doing now by paying for this so called privilege to smoke !
That's when l hopped a train to come back here, because l knew you'd be a wreck.
That's when the girl found him. [ Sniffing ]
That's why I'm thinking maybe it's a misprint.
That's why l manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.
That's why you should feel like a pig. You men make me feel sick.
That's why you're jockeying a register in some fuckin' convenience store...
That's your lung. By this time, your lung looks like this.
The boss doesn't want to pay the electrician to fix it...
The due date is on the bottom. This summons cannot be contested in any court of law.
The fact that there weren't any lights on made it so
The fine is doubled due to the incredibly young age of the child.
The first one was completed and fully operational before the rebels destroyed it.
The goddamn steel shutters are closed.
The guy got sick. He couldn't come in.
The guy that cleans up the nudie booths after each guy jerks off.
The jiz mopper's job is to clean it up after each guy shoots a load.
The key word here is ""talk,"" Dante.
The last thing l needed was for you to think l was hiding something from you.
The Milk Maids ?
The New Jersey Division of Taxation called the Board of Health...
The next week, the Foresie family put a hit on Baby Face's house.
The number's 812. My name's Wynarski. I wanted a movie tonight.
The only people on board were Storm Troopers, dignitaries, lmperialists.
The point is, I'm not the type of person...
The reason you won't Let me use your car is because I have a title and job description,
The same ! The money was right, but the risk was too high.
The story goes like this: He proposed, I told him l had to think about it,
The swelling's not that bad, but the F.D.S. stings.
Then how could she You know.
Then quit. You should be going to school anyway.
Then to top it all off, you ruin my relationship. I mean, what's your encore ?
Then you act all nonchalant about fucking 12 girls. I never had sex with 12 guys !
There was a lot of good in our relationship.
There was something else going on in Jedi. I never noticed it 'til today.
There's a difference. Those are obligations that couldn't have been met at any other date.
There's a seminar about getting back into a scholastic program...
There's a stranger in our bathroom ! He just ****d Caitlin !
There's nothing more exhilarating...
There's other jobs. They pay better money.
These chicks do it all. They insert things into any opening on their body.
They always pick the most intellectually devoid movie on the racks.
They call it shell shock. Seems to only happen with guidance counselors.
They certainly do. Three dollars.
They don't even know I've left school yet.
They draw some of the biggest titties you ever saw.
They never rent quality flicks.
They oughta put a warning on these things, like they do with cigarettes.
They practically wiped an entire nation off the Earth,
They print any kind of shit in this paper.
They raise sheep.
They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good.
They think they're being watched.
They told me if l could finish it in one day, l would double my price.
They used to make a big deal of it, but they just let it go now...
Things happened today. Things that probably ruined my chances with Caitlin.
Think of the weirdest, craziest shit you'd like to see chicks do.
Thirteen. Let's see, you're about 19, 20 ?
This has been going on for 20 minutes now.
This has got to be the weirdest thing you've ever been called in on.
This is a government contract which means all sorts of benefits.
This is a life of convenience for you, and any attempt to change it...
This is different. This is important. How many ?
This is one of the most ballsiest moves I've ever been privy to.
This is RST Video calling. Customer number 4352.
This is where you're heading.
This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.
This time in the morning, people just get a paper or coffee.
Those are my opinions based on the few women...
Three weeks ago, l was offered a job up in the hills. Beautiful house.
Time to kick back, drink some beers and smoke some weed !
To let me know that the announcement was in the paper.
To let my education go to waste as a housewife.
To take charge of your life and find direction.
Today's edition.
Today's edition.
Tons of property. A simple re shingling job.
Torn between my loyalty for the boss and my desire to piss with the lights on.
True. But do you know how many people are gonna be there ?
Try thinking for yourselves before you pelt an innocent man with cigarettes !
Twelve minutes is not a game. Jesus, it's hardly even a warm up.
Two packs of cigarettes.
Two, three times a week, sometimes more.
Uh l don't know what to say.
Uh, no. l gave it to him.
Uh, pack of cigarettes ?
Uh, something smells Like shoe polish.
Uh, yeah. Back behind the oil. How long you staying ?
Um, like 3:00, 3:30.
Unless you're out renting video at other video stores.
Until Monday. Then l have to take the train back.
Us, we like to make ourselves seem so much more important...
Using filthy language in front of the customers. You both should be fired.
Usually l just turn the can upside down.
Vermont ?
Vermont ?
Veronica !
Wait a second. Do we have to play at the park ?
Wait a second. You used to fuck Caitlin Bree while l was dating her ?
Walk On The Boardwalk, Then Get Naked Somewhere"" kind of private date ?
Wanna come to this party tonight ? There's gonna be some pussy there.
Want me to do anything before l get out of here, man ?
Was he alive when Caitlin
Watch the store while l go home and change ?
We are employees of Quick Stop Convenience and RST Video, respectively.
We can introduce the two of them. They may hit it off.
We got what, 12 minutes of a game and it's over ? Fuck !
We have a lot of shit to talk about.
We look down on them as if we're so advanced.
We went out a few times. We never had sex, but we fooled around.
We're gonna croak sometime.
Well ?
Well, everything happened so quickly, I guess l forgot he was back there.
Well, good. Keep in that frame of mind.
Well, how 'bout the ""Caitlin Bree...
Well, I'll try to manage.
Well, if he's so nice, why aren't you marrying him ?
Well, if we're so fuckin' advanced,
Well, if you think that's offensive, check this out.
Well, if you think that's offensive, check this out.
Well, kind of. Sort of.
Well, l didn't just fuck myself ! Jesus Christ !
Well, l guess it isn't customers in particular.
Well, l won't let you.
Well, Randal Graves,
Well, that's all l can do, right ? Yeah.
Well, this is my way of spitting water at life.
Well, uh, that depends. You got maybe a toilet in here ?
Well, you two lovebirds take it easy, okay ?
Well, you've had quite an evening.
Were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the rebels.
Were you gonna tell me, or were you gonna send me an invitation ?
What ?
What ? What do you want ?
What about Caitlin ?
What about what we do for you ?
What are we doin' workin' here ?
What are we supposed to do ? Pretend over the phone we're dating ?
What can l say ? He does weird things to me.
What did you like better: Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back ?
What do you mean ?
What do you mean there's no ice ? I've got to drink this coffee hot ?
What do you want me to say ? ""Yes, some of the things you're saying are true"" ?
What happened to ""Title dictates behavior"" ?
What happened to the walk and the nakedness ?
What is it, worse ? You're pregnant with the Asian design major's child ?
What kind of convenience store do you run here ?
What makes you think you can maintain a relationship with him this time around ?
What the fuck you lookin' at ? I'll kick your fuckin' ass !
What the fuck you talking about ? How many balls you bring ?
What time did hockey end ?
What time do you think you're gonna come in, 12:00 ?
What would you get for a six year old boy who chronically wets his bed ?
What you want, Grizzly Adams ?
What, are you shitting me ? I wanna get cigarettes.
What, do you work here now ?
What'd your mom say when you told her you weren't engaged anymore ?
When I'm gonna fit in the other stuff.
When l say l don't want to get married, I mean just that.
When she calls me now, she's a different person. She's frightened, vulnerable.
When you just lay perfectly still and let me do everything.
When you're done with that and l get off work ?
Which is gonna cause quite a row considering she loves Sang.
Which, if you're too stupid to comprehend, means that I've been faithful to you since we met.
While you two were dating. I drove a black Trans Am.
Whispers in The Wind, To Each His Own,
Who the fuck's in our bathroom ?
Who tried to win back his ex girlfriend...
Who were goodly enough to sleep with me.
Who'll disrupt things just so l can shit comfortably.
Who's asking ? I don't want to marry you.
Who's leading this mob ?
Why ? l l don't bother them and they don't bother me.
Why did you suck their dick ? Why couldn't you sleep with them Like any other decent person ?
Why did you tell Veronica that l was gonna dump her to go back with Caitlin ?
Why do l have this life ?
Why do you smell like shoe polish ?
Why don't you call Randal ?
Why don't you go join her ? Make a little bathroom bam bam.
Why don't you vent ? Vent your frustrations. Who pisses you off ?
Why don't you wrangle for me ?
Why guidance counselors ?
Why, you wanna have sex or something ?
Will result in a charge of criminal negligence,
Will you let me maintain some semblance of managerial control ?
Willam ?
Wise ass too, huh ? Go ahead. Keep cracking wise.
With you ? l don't think so.
Within a three mile radius with their lasers.
Without even discussing how he felt with his present one ?
Would shatter the pathetic microcosm you've fashioned for yourself.
Would you give somebody that much money each week to kill you ?
Would you like some making fuck, berserker
Wow ! Hey, you know, you and l have something in common.
Wow ! You got thrown out for Dante ?
Yeah, a real date. Dinner and a movie.
Yeah, but not seriously. Christ, you're ready to walk down the aisle.
Yeah, hello, Sanford. Dante.
Yeah, l know I'm not scheduled today Forget it.
Yeah, l know.
Yeah, we get off the same time every day.
Yeah, well, l thought we might be starting again.
Yeah. Do you remember Alyssa Jones ? She used to hang out
Yeah. Like you said, l guess everybody gets curious and tries it sometime.
Yeah. Now feel this. Roll up your sleeve, chief.
Yes !
Yes, I'd like to check on a misprint in today's edition.
Yes, I've calmed down. I'm not happy, but I'll be able to deal.
You always back down. You assume blame that's not yours.
You are the inspiration for this bold and momentous decision...
You are too responsible. But no, l have to go home first.
You are very protective of him, Randal. You always have been.
You argue with the customers, and l have to patch everything up.
You ask me who l choose.
You came for that too ? That's the movie l came for.
You can't just do anything you want while you're working.
You carry a torch for a girl you dated in high school.
You claimed you were working here all day. Hence, the fine is yours.
You cock smoker.
You come in on your day off; you buckle like a belt.
You could've broken it to me gently.
You could've started by telling me you had a boyfriend. I told you l had a girlfriend.
You date Veronica because it's convenient and she's low maintenance.
You definitely are the source in this area, and we're gonna shut you down for good !
You didn't ask for that; you had no personal politics.
You didn't have to choke me, you know.
You dog ! I didn't even see you go back there.
You don't wanna know.
You forgot your keys.
You get us thrown out of a funeral by violating the corpse.
You got a customer.
You got a wife and kids, the two story in suburbia.
You gotta hear him sing. Olaf, ""Berserker.""
You have so much potential that's going to waste in this pit.
You haven't said anything for, like, 20 minutes. What the hell's your problem ?
You know what the real tragedy about all of this is ?
You know who l can do without ? The people in the video store.
You know you're out of shape.
You know, she's marrying an Asian design major.
You know, that article's accurate. Caitlin really is getting married.
You know, that guy Jay's got it right. He has no delusions about what he does.
You know, the insides of those has got stuff that can give you cancer.
You know, there's a million fine lookin' women in the world, dude,
You know, tonight we're going to rip off this fucker's head, take out his fuckin' soul.
You know. And, like, we didn't kiss or talk or anything.
You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulder,
You made a very wise choice. Keep up the good work.
You mean you haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these ?
You oughta be ashamed of yourselves. A bunch of easily led automatons.
You prefer drastic measures to rational ones.
You push fuckin' buttons. Anybody could waltz in here and do our jobs.
You said you only had sex with three different guys ! You never mentioned him !
You said yourself you have the rough stuff in the back.
You saw that article ? God, isn't it awful ? My mother sent that in.
You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame.
You sit there and blame life for dealin' you a cruddy hand,
You sold cigarettes to a four year old ? What a scumbag !
You sound like an asshole !
You still didn't have to choke me.
You think anybody can see us down here ?
You think so ?
You think the average Storm Trooper knows how to install a toilet main ?
You think you get stupid questions ? You should hear the barrage that l get.
You wanna blame somebody ? Blame yourself.
You wanna grab a bite to eat or something...
You went to the same school. You played hockey.
You were over a half an hour late. And then all you do is come in here.
You were saying ?
You workin' tomorrow ?
You, on the other hand, have been bitching all day.
You, Veronica, Caitlin and Caitlin's fiancé.
You'd feel a lot better if you'd just rip into the occasional customer.
You're a lifesaver.
You're always saying how you can't initiate change yourself.
You're Alyssa's sister Heather ?
You're as curious as the rest of us, pal. You've tried it.
You're bound to be qualified for at least one of 'em. So what's stoppin' you ?
You're caught, and now you're trying to snake out of doing what you wanted to do !
You're closed.
You're cute as hell. I could go down on you, suck you,
You're Dante Hicks ? Oh, my God. I didn't even recognize you.
You're here of your own volition.
You're just gonna close the store like that ?
You're late.
You're making a generalization about broads.
You're serious ? You wanna date again ?
You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic,
You're spending what, 20, maybe 30 dollars a week on your cigarettes ?
You're stirring up anti smoking sentiment to, what, sell more gum ?
You've highly offended me.
You've sold cigarettes while working here.
Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
Yup. Oh, wait a minute. What was that called again ?
""Nudie booth"" ? Yeah, nudie booth.
""Poo poo,"" ""wee wee."" Fuck you.
[ Child ] Happy Scrappy She loves it. Obviously.
[ Coughing Continues ] [ Woman ] Freeze !
[ Dante ] l can pass ! How about covering the point ? Man, you suck !
[ Dante ] l think you'd oughta leave. You want me to leave. Why ?
[ Dante ] One seventy nine. Pay the good man.
[ Door Closes ] l can't fucking believe you.
[ Door Opening ] <MUSIC> Noise, noise, noise Smokin' weed, smokin' weed <MUSIC>
[ Door Opens ] Thanks.
[ Girl Laughing ] What's up, baby ? What's up, sluts ?
[ Man ] Can we take it now ? Go ahead.
[ Man ] You open ? Yeah.
[ Man Moaning ] [ Woman ] Uh, no. Oh.
[ Randal ] Want something to drink ? I'm buying. [ Dante ] No, thanks.
[ Redding ] Dante had the balls. Nobody has another ball ?
[ Redding ] Dante had the balls. Nobody has another ball ?
[ Ronni ] That was Snowball. Why do you call him that ?
[ Sighs ] What's that for ?
[ Sighs ] This life. ""This life"" ?
[ Sniffing ] [ Cat Meows ]
[ Speaks Russian ] That's fucked up, man.
[ Sucking Sound ] Why don't you go back to the video store ?
[ Woman ] Dante ? What ? Caitlin !
[ Woman ] Oh, God. [ Man ] it's all about pain, you bastard !
<MUSIC> Just save up all your nickels and dimes <MUSIC> [ Engine Starts ]
<MUSIC> Let's see what you find and you know <MUSIC> [ Tires Screeching ]
<MUSIC> Ooh hoo <MUSIC><MUSIC> Thanks. Have a good one.
A fine for $500. What ?
About what ? Do you really wanna buy those cigarettes ?
Actually, it's kinda rough. Oh, boy !
Agreed ? You are a danger to both the dead and the living.
Ain't gonna happen, my friend. I'm getting that movie. Like hell you are.
All her old classmates, to say the least. This is beneath even you.
All right, thanks. Bye. Vermont ?
All they know is killing. So they bring in independent contractors.
Am l right ? What in the hell is that ?
Am l right or what ? You're wrong !
Am l sure about what ? Are you sure ?
and fry my lungs !"" [ Dante ] Now, wait a second.
And he got cancer from chewing fluorescent bulb glass ? Nah.
and I'm supposed to follow it, right ? Exactly.
And l actually date you ? Something wrong ?
And the second time around ? it wasn't even done being built yet.
And then he proposed last month. And you said yes.
And they put on a show for you for, like, ten bucks. What kind of a show ?
And what, you're gonna dump her for that Caitlin chick ? Maybe.
And you figured it out. The first Death Star was manned by the lmperial Army.
And you rented this ? Hey, l like to expand my horizons.
Any opening. Can we not talk about this now ?
Are either one of these any good ? l don't watch movies.
Are you calling me a liar ? No ! He was probably just resting his eyes.
Are you open ? [ Dante ] Yes. I'm not out of shape.
Are you open ? Yes.
At least they weren't lit. Oh, l hate this fucking place.
Based on personal politics. Right !
Basically. So when they blew it up, no problem. Evil's punished.
Be careful. I'm trying.
Be there ? Making a male climax isn't at all challenging.
Because he's out of shape ! Do l know you ?
Because l never had sex with him. You sucked his dick !
Because l never tried to suck my own dick ? No, because you won't admit to it.
Believe me, you'll get over it. Give me a bit more credit.
Bitch, bitch, bitch. You want something to drink ? Yeah, a Gatorade.
Bunch of savages in this town. That's what l said.
But l only had sex with the guys l loved. l feel sick.
but what are you talking about ? The ending of Return Of The Jedi.
But you were ! No, l wasn't ! Not really.
Caitlin used to talk about him all the time. Really ?
Caitlin's on the same wavelength ? it's safe to say yes.
Call the police. Why ? No, don't !
Can l help you ? A pack of cigarettes.
Can l join in ? You might be let down.
Can we ? Really ?
Can we not talk about this ? Fine by me.
Can you fucking believe this ? He didn't mention that to you this morning ?
Chess team Alan Harris ? The two moved to Idaho together.
Come on, man, ""Berserker"" ! Does he sing in English or Russian ?
Come to think of it, my guidance counselor was kinda worthless. See ?
Could be. it has never been like that before.
Couldn't get the shutters open ? No.
Dante, let it go ! How many dicks have you sucked ?
Dante, where are you ? He's busy ! in a second !
Dante, you in or out ? Don't pass to this guy. He sucks. You suck !
Didn't we have this discussion once before ? We might have.
Do you know how much the average jiz mopper makes per hour ? What's a jiz mopper ?
Do you mind if l drink this here ? Sure. Go ahead.
Do you really want that ? lf it's already too late, l guess
Do you sell video tapes ? Yeah. What are you looking for ?
does mean manning the store until closing. l see.
Dominic Bambino's. Baby Face Bambino ? The gangster ?
Don't you already have a girlfriend ? [ Dante ] Yeah, Veronica.
Don't you have a hockey game at 2:00 ? Yes.
Easy to say over there. Give me a stick, pretty boy !
Eight and a half. Eight and a half ?
Embolism in a pool. What an embarrassing way to die.
Empire. Blasphemy.
Ever backing down. l don't back down !
Exactly. So where is he ?
Fine. Just let me borrow your car. Why should l loan you my car ?
Get out of here. No, l kid you not.
Give me another ball. There are no more.
God, I'm gonna be sick ! You just fucked a total stranger ?
God, isn't he great ? No. This is great.
Got hit by a bus. Oh. Can l help you ?
Great story, huh ? That girl was vile to you.
Guy ain't here yet. You're kidding ! it's almost 11:30.
Happy Scrappy Hero Pup. Uh, one second.
Has it occurred to you that l might be bereaved as well ? You hardly knew her.
Have a nice day. But l didn't sell any cigarettes to any kids.
Have you got anything, man ? What you want ?
He broke his neck. That's embarrassing ?
He died in the bathroom. l heard he was jerkin' off or something.
He really wants to play metal ? Yeah, he's got his own band in Moscow.
He requests this ? He gets off on it.
He wants to be a metal singer. [ Girl ] No way.
He was ? it was so cool.
He's from Russia too. No way.
He's not invited. He's your fiancé.
He's right. As if we're going to have a run on Gatorade. Fuckin' A.
He's very traditional. Wait a minute.
Hell of a day. To say the least.
Here you go. What's this ?
Here. What's this ?
Here. Chewlies gum. Try this. it's not the same.
Hermaphrodites. l rented it so we could watch it together. You get me slapped with a fine.
Hey, you're not allowed to rent here anymore ! [ Jay ] Yeah !
His name is ""Sang"" ? Past tense ? Stop it. He's a nice guy.
Holy shit ! That girl ? Yeah, as opposed to hundreds of other children...
How ? When ? Embolism in her brain. Yesterday.
How come you're not in class ? Lit. 101 got cancelled.
How do you figure ? What time did you get to work today ?
How do you know that ? Because l know you.
How long you date Caitlin ? Five years.
How many ? How many what ?
How you doing ? Just the soda ? No, and a pack of cigarettes.
How'd you get home ? Train. it took eight hours.
How's your neck ? it's kinda hard to swallow.
I'll ask Randal to close up when he gets back. Where is he, anyway ?
I'll give you a call, let you know. All right.
I'll just take the gum. Fifty five.
I'm already in the job market. You work in a market, all right.
I'm as puzzled as you. I've actually seen it before.
I'm going to class. Oh, my God.
I'm going to miss the fucking game ! Because you buckled.
I'm going to school. Maybe later you'll be a bit more rational. I'm 37 ! l just can't
I'm gonna go to her wake. No, you're not. it's today.
I'm gonna grab a Gatorade. lf you grab a Gatorade, then everybody's gonna grab one.
I'm just kidding ! l can already see this is not gonna work out.
I'm listening. She's leaving college and And she's looking for support.
I'm not a hermaphrodite. Hey, few are.
I'm not out of shape. Can l have your name, please ?
I'm not sad. You're not ?
I'm not taking you to this funeral. I'm going with you.
I'm not the pig you are. Who ?
I'm not. She just left. What'd she say ?
I'm sorry. See ? There you go again.
I'm sorry. He meant to hit me. Yeah ? Well, he missed.
I'm sure he wasn't sleeping. Are you calling me a liar ?
I've been here since 11:00. l hate it when l can't rent videos !
in high school, for God's sakes. You're 22. Leave me alone !
insubordination rules. l just want to play hockey Like l was scheduled to.
Is he staying here ? Nah, he's moving to the big city this week.
Is that what you're getting at ? Exactly.
it doesn't mean I didn't just go with people. Oh, my God, l feel so nauseous !
it is not what you think. Oh, it's not what l think.
it isn't like that ! Damn right it isn't like that !
it only weighs seven pounds. l didn't strain. l sighed.
it was an accident. Like someone knocks a casket over on purpose !
it was only a few times. Then you pull that shit this morning,
it was still under construction. So ?
it wasn't me. [ Scoffs ]
it's called ""Fuck Your Yankee Blue Jeans"" or something. That doesn't sound metal.
it's lasagna. Really ?
it's the same thing with Veronica. Leave her out of this !
Jesus ! She was swimming in the pool in the YMCA when it happened.
Jesus ! I'm gonna hear from the boss tomorrow. Would you loosen up ?
John Francin and Rob Stanslik. Wow.
Julie Doyer died. Yeah, right.
Just go open the video store. [ Jay ] Open the video store !
Just hanging with Silent Bob and his cousin. He's your cousin ?
Just the paper. Thirty five.
Just wait a few minutes. I'm gonna break my crazy neck on this ladder.
l am l am not ! He is.
l bet the most frequent topic of arguments is Caitlin Bree. You win.
l can never reach. Reach what ?
l can't believe I'm going to miss the fucking game. At least we're stuck here together.
l can't believe you're here. Excuse me. Do you have
l can't close the store. You just closed the store to play hockey on the roof.
l can't have everybody grabbing free drinks. What responsibility ?
l didn't. You did. Really ?
l don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am. l beg your pardon ?
l don't care for your rationale. it's gonna have to do, being it's my car up for request.
l don't know. I'd say about 60, 70, tops.
l don't remember. How many ? including you ?
l don't wanna go back Of course not ! Not now !
l feel nauseous. Are you sure there was someone back there ?
l got fined for selling cigarettes to a minor. No way.
l have first dibs. Says who ?
l hear Caitlin's marrying an Asian drum major. Design major.
l hear that's kind of a popular date. Jerk !
l just told you. There's more to this, isn't there ?
l know ! Jesus ! That seems to be the leitmotif in your life.
l take it she likes the guy. You'd think she's marrying him.
l think all four of you better sit down and talk it over. All four ?
l think I've been on that one before. Do you have a better suggestion ?
l think it's coming ! [ Falls On Floor ]
l think this is leading our relationship to a new level. What about Veronica ?
l think you can see her kidneys. Why do you do things like that ?
l thought l was doing you a favor. Oh, Jesus.
l told him l had a game today. It's his own fault. No arguments here.
l told him that, and he yelled at me. What'd he say ?
l want to rent a movie. You want to rent a movie.
l was kidding. Like you can't get enough of me.
l was trying to call for half an hour. Why ?
l will never come to this place again. Excuse me ?
l wish you'd go back to school. Stop. You're making my head hurt.
Leave me alone. Oh, you're comfortable, right ?
Let me borrow your car. l don't want to talk to you.
Let me borrow your car. May l be blunt with you ?
Let me guess. He's looking for the perfect carton of eggs ? [ Randal ] How'd you know ?
Let me take you out tonight. On a date ?
lf you go, l go. She meant nothing to you !
lf you want, l can talk to her, try and straighten this No, thanks.
Like he's some air traffic controller? Actually, that's his night job.
Like it's that easy. it is. You just up and quit.
Living proof. l thought you never sold cigarettes to kids.
Look at all the cartons that didn't make the grade. Why doesn't he mix and match ?
Look who it is. The fuckin' human vacuum. Scumbag, what are you doing ?
Lower your voice. What is that ""Something like 36"" ?
Made it, huh ? Dick in his mouth ? Yeah.
Make 'em change. l can't, all right ?
My friend was shot and killed. Didn't even finish re shingling. No way.
No, because Caitlin came to see me. Now l know you're lyin'.
No, but you sucked enough dick ! Yeah, l went down on a few guys.
No, I'm serious. Oh, my God !
No, really. What did l do that was so wrong ? What don't you do ?
No, she's getting married. To you ?
No. Yeah, right. You're so repressed.
No. In the middle of it she called me Brad. She called you Brad ?
No. No, no, no. Come on.
Nobody. it was closed. With this guy locked in here ?
Nothing personal. What happened with that old guy ?
Now leave me alone. Oh, thank you, sonny boy.
Oh, a couple ? I'm not the one trying to patch things up with my ex,
Oh, how like her. Then my mother called this morning...
Oh, Jesus. And two, to prove a point. Title does not dictate behavior.
Oh, my God ! Come on. Haven't you ever tried to suck your own dick ?
Oh, you lie ! Look how full of yourself you are !
One time, l called this girl ""mom."" l hit the light, she freaks.
Ooh, can l watch ? You can hold me down.
Ow ! What'd you do that for ? You're a pig !
Pack of cigarettes. Are you sure ?
Perfect dozen ? Each egg has to be perfect.
Please calm down. How many ?
Please get the hell outta here. You know I'm your hero.
Plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers Not just lmperialists.
Pull my laces tighter, man. I've got to tell you, my friend,
Randal ? And having him tell me, that was just the weakest move ever.
Return Of The Jedi. Didn't you hear me ? Caitlin is really getting married.
Seven months. Chick's nuts about you.
She didn't even know I was at the party. Oh, my God.
She in here ? This guy's going through all the eggs.
She said she did all the work. Will you shut the fuck up ?
She thought l was Brad Michelson. What do you mean ?
She was pretty young, huh ? Twenty two. Just like us.
She was with Rick Daress. Let's not talk about her.
She's been back there a long time. There are no lights back there.
Shit ! What about tomorrow ? One night only. She's buried in the morning.
Shit, l gotta place an order. Talkin' to myself here.
Shut the fuck up ! l can't believe this.
Shut the hell up. l swear.
Shut up with that shit. It ain't helping ! Don't yell at me, pal.
Silvan can be talked into anything. Why do you say that ?
Sir ? What ?
Smell won't come off. [ Door Opens ]
So ? Who's gonna pay for these Gatorades ?
So I'm told. Yeah.
So l stopped home and l brought you some lunch. What is it ?
So the casket fell over. Big deal. Her fucking body fell out !
So you're really getting married ? No.
So, what ? You're stuck here all day ? Fuck !
So, what are you saying ? You are such an asshole.
Something like 36. What ? Something like 36 ?
Stop it. Bible truth.
Such a sordid state of affairs. And I'm caught in the middle,
Sure. Good.
Sure. in the back, through the cooler. Thank you, sonny boy.
Tell me l don't have something to do with it. You have nothing to do with it.
Thank you for being rational. Thank you for the lasagna.
Thanks for the vote of confidence. Was l right ?
Thanks. How much money did you leave up there?
That's frightening. Takes different strokes to move the world.
That's fuckin' funny, man. Did he say, ""making fuck"" ?
That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died. How did he die ?
That's right. Smoke my big fat cock !
The porno mags ? Yeah !
The quest isn't going well ? Obviously not.
The second one was still being built when they blew it up. Compliments of Lando Calrissian.
The white kind. l didn't ask about the color.
Then how come you got the fine ? 'Cause I'm here.
There aren't ! How can you lie like that ?
There's no lights back there. Why aren't there any lights ?
There's no lights back there. Why aren't there any lights ?
They build another Death Star, right ? Yeah.
They got bigger titties in there. Here.
Thirty seven ? Shut up !
Thirty seven. My life's in the shitter right now,
This isn't fucking funny, Dante. I'm not kidding.
This what you want ? Knock it off. That used to be my girlfriend, all right ?
Three fifty, four. No way !
Three, including you. You only slept with three different people ?
Three. Three ?
Twelve. You slept with 12 different girls ?
Twenty bucks ? Twenty bucks.
Typically male point of view. How do you figure ?
Wait. Who was working here ? Just me.
Was it you ? l was up here the whole time.
We both eat Chinese. [ Scoffs ] Dick.
We should hang out. You get high ? l should start.
We're not playing in the street. Then where are we gonna play ?
Well, l know she does a lot for you. She's my girlfriend.
Well, let's date. Oh, l think Sang and... Veronica,
Well, let's hear it. Well, the Milk Maids.
Well, what about these two ? They suck.
Were you working here about 4:00 ? Yes.
What ? [ Sighs ] l don't want to marry him.
What ? lf title dictated my behavior as a clerk serving the public,
What ? Posten's Funeral Parlor. Next show's at 4:00.
What ? Yeah, about two, three years ago.
What ? There's no fat on my body. No fat !
What about Sing ? Sang !
What are you talkin' about ? An angry mother called the state division of taxation...
What are you talking about ? You've been talking to her on the phone for weeks !
What are you watching ? Children's programming.
What did he say ? He said at least he wasn't 36.
What did he say ? l don't know, man, but this guy's a character.
What do you care, you shoe polish smelling motherfucker ? l have a responsibility here.
What do you fight about ? We don't fight about anything.
What happened to home by 12:00 ? Boss hasn't shown up yet.
What is this, a poll ? How long you been a smoker ?
What part of Russia ? l don't know. Do l look Like his fuckin' biographer ?
What responsibility ? All right, if you hate this job and the people...
What smells like shoe polish ? Go open the store.
What smells like shoe polish ? So you came here to what ? To comfort me ?
What the fuck did you do that for ? Two reasons.
What the hell are you doing here ? The boss called. Arthur fell ill.
What time was this ? l don't know.
What time you get finished ? 8:00, but l have a sorority meeting 'til 9:00.
What's goin' on here ? l am not pregnant.
What's going on ? I'm giving him his ring back.
What's he looking for ? Said he has to find the perfect dozen.
What's your point ? My point is, you're a clerk, paid to do a job.
When did you get home ? Just now.
When is this period over ? Eight more minutes.
Where ? To school.
Where you going ? Hey, listen, jerk. Until today, you never even knew...
Which one ? Dental School.
Which ones ? All of 'em.
Who are you kidding ? You can so. Jesus H. Christ ! l can't !
Who are you to make assessments ? I'll assess all l want, pal !
Who doesn't ? Well, me, l guess.
Who found him ? My cousin ? Mom found him.
Who went back there ? Nobody. l swear.
Who's that ? They were called Nazis !
Why are the shutters closed ? Someone jammed gum in the locks.
Why are you so upset ? Those innocent contractors brought in are killed,
Why aren't you screaming at me now ? 'Cause I'm happy.
Why do you say that ? Why do l say that ?
Why don't you open the shutters? Get some sunlight in here. Someone jammed gum in the locks.
Why not ? Because my ex girlfriend is getting married.
Why'd you agree to come in then ? Hey, I'm only here until 12:00.
Why'd you apologize ? What ?
Why'd you hit me ? Do you know how many different men I've had sex with ?
Will you let me explain ? Explain what ?
With Caitlin Bree ! I'm her sister.
Wow. He really made it. Yeah, but at what a price.
Yeah, but Come on, boitshik ! What's the difference ?
Yeah, but it's for employees only. l understand.
Yeah, not yet. And l remember one time
Yeah, number six. You've had sex with a dead person.
Yeah, shit or get off the pot. What are you talking about ?
Yeah, since 6:00 this morning. He's got those love handles.
Yeah, sure. Go ahead. Thank you, sonny boy.
Yeah, to talk to you. Which means the video store is ostensibly closed !
Yeah, we did. Then who was operating the store ?
Yeah, you close soon ? in half an hour.
Yeah. And you're Dante Hicks.
Yeah. Forty. Fifty three.
Yeah. No, you're loitering and causing a disturbance.
Yeah. Pretty girl ?
Yeah. You, uh, say Caitlin Bree ?
Yeah. How did you know that ? You still goin' out with her ?
You ! No, who are the three, besides me.
You call Caitlin again ? She called me.
You ever been in a nudie booth ? Guess not.
You going to lock the store ? l don't know. You're going to lock the video store ?
You gotta watch the store. I gotta go to this. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You had to tell him ? l had to tell someone. He put it into perspective.
You hope what feels good ? l hope it feels so good to be right.
You knocked the casket over, for Christ's sake ! l was just leanin' on it.
You know he's only going to come back and tell the boss. Who cares ?
You know him ? No, but l know the behavior.
You know him ? Yeah.
You know what really pisses me off ? That I'm right about your buckling ?
You know what the real problem here is ? l was born ?
You know. What, your dick ?
You only brought one ball ? l thought Redding brought all the balls.
You open ? Yeah, you open ?
You open ? Yeah.
You open ? Yes.
You saw it. Very dramatic, l thought.
You should shit or get off the pot. l should shit or get off the pot.
You sucked that guy's dick ? Yeah. How do you think l knew
You tell Veronica ? One fight a day with Veronica is all l can stomach, thanks.
You think things will be different this time ? They are.
You two better quit it. I'm serious.
You weren't paying any attention. No, l wasn't.
You will be missed. Screw you !
You work in a video store ! l work in a shitty video store.
You'll sleep with anything that says yes. Animal, mineral or vegetable.
You're a Chewlies gum representative ? [ Man ] Chewlies ?
You're just trying to sc**** out a living. l don't mean to interrupt,
You're kiddin'. I'm not.
You're kidding. Bunch of savages in this town.
You're kidding. Nobody can figure it out.
You're not really getting married ? [ Scoffs ]
You're Rick Daress ? Yeah.
You're spineless ! Veronica, l love you !
You're trusting. Why do you say that ?
You've gotta be shitting me. You think I'm shitting you ?
Your argument is that title dictates behavior. What ?
Your mother ? Alan Harris.
Caitlin comes in and jumps all over me. So that's cheating ?
Didn't l see her change your tire once? Hey, l jacked up the car.
He only speaks Russian ? He speaks some English, but he cannot speak it good like we do.
Hey, what happened to all the Gatorade? Exactly. They drank it all.
Hey, you see a set of keys around here? No time for love, Dr. Jones.
Oh, Jesus ! it's a picture of a cancer ridden lung.
Olaf, what part of Russia are you from? Moscow.
See? You vented. Don't you feel better? No.
She died mid backstroke. l haven't seen her in, like, two years.
Shit ! Why're you getting up ? Unlike you, l have class in 45 minutes.
This one came out of a 60 year old man. Oh, God !
What time we get back from the funeral? 4:00, l think.
Would you just go open the video store? Yeah, you cock smokin' clerk.
You hate people ! But l love gatherings. isn't it ironic?
You know what l just watched ? Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?
...
'Cause I'm fuckin' tired !
'Cause somebody's telling it like it is, giving these fine people a wake up call?
'cause the electrician owes money to the video store.
""Disturbed"" is more like it. ""Mildly disturbed,"" even.
""Done And Ready Home improvements.""
""I'm not even supposed to be here today.""
""sell me something that will stink up my breath and clothes,
""Space alien revealed as head of Time Warner.
""The next week, the world is ending.""
""We were miraculously saved at the zero hour...
""We're gonna need a bigger boat.""
""Wreck"" is a harsh term.
[ Bed Squeaking, People Moaning On Video ]
[ Chanting ] Cancer merchant ! Cancer merchant !
[ Chuckling ] Stings a little.
[ Clock Ticking ]
[ Coroner ] Shock trauma. She's gonna need years of therapy after this.
[ Coroner ] The body can maintain an erection after expiration, sometimes for hours.
[ Coughing ] That guy.
[ Coughing, Clears Throat ]
[ Crashing Sound, Woman Screaming ]
[ Dante ] l don't know. He just came in and asked to use the bathroom.
[ Dante ] Yeah, sure, go ahead.
[ Door Opening ]
[ Door Opening ]
[ Door Opens, Closes ]
[ Gong Ringing ]
[ Heavy Sigh ] Well, this is the last time l rent here !
[ Jay ] Come on, limp dick !
[ Laughing ]
[ Laughing ] Crazy shit.
[ Man On Video ] I said stop.
[ Randal ] Aw, that's all bullshit, man.
[ Science Fiction Movie Sounds, Man Screaming ]
[ Sighing ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ] He was just... ready.
[ Sighs ] So l shall take my leave of you,
[ Sighs ] These are the same two movies.
[ Sighs ] Well, have you heard anything about either one of them ?
[ Silent Bob ] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[ Sucking Sound ]
[ Together ] No !
[ Woman ] Who is he ?
[ Woman Moaning On Video ]
[ Woman Moaning On Video ]
[ Yelling ]
[ Yelling Continues ]
<MUSIC> And I'm lookin' for a cure 'cause I'm bored to tears <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> And I'm stuck in here <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> And l hope l ain't done nobody wrong <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> And now just when l know what I'm after <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> And sell the lie <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> And they'll all go away <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> But I'm happy just to die tryin' <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Close the night and listen <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Close your eyes to me <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Doin' coke, drinkin' beers <MUSIC> Pack o' ""rass,"" my good man.
<MUSIC> Don't ever want to break your heart in two <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Don't ever want to break your heart in two <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Go your own way <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Got no time for the forgotten glory <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Hear what l say <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Hear what l say, yeah <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Here comes Randal <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> How l feel <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> I can't even tell <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> I can't tell <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> I guess I'm livin' day to day <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> I guess I'm livin' day to day <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> I guess I'm livin' day to day <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> I guess I'm livin' day to day <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> I may never get what l want <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> I'd just die for a piece of that pie but <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> I'll be glad to just feast on that pie crust <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> I'm a needle, you know <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> I'm guessin' I'll just keep on guessin' <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> If it's real <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> it just brings me to laughter <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> it's a good excuse to celebrate <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Johnny looked around him and said hey, I've made the big time at last <MUSIC><MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Just hopin' to be led astray <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Just in case you feel led astray, hell, yeah <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Just save up all your nickels and dimes <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Kill the bass player Kill both bass players <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Kill the drummer <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Know the crowd is gonna sell their soul <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Leaders and followers Leaders and followers <MUSIC><MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Let's see what you find and you know <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Let's see what you find and you know <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Let's see what you find and you know <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> My face <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> My love for you is ticking clock, berserker <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> No one sees what l see <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Shall live <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Take it anywhere l know Well, l promise you <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> This is my blessin' <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Watch the world go by Surprising it goes so fast <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> We lived through another day <MUSIC>
<MUSIC> Would you like to suck my cock, berserker <MUSIC><MUSIC>
<MUSIC> You know that you are a shooting star <MUSIC>
<MUSIC><MUSIC> [ ""Berserker"" On Tape Deck ]
<MUSIC><MUSIC> [ Hip Hop ]
<MUSIC><MUSIC> [ Humming ""Theme from Jaws"" ]
<MUSIC><MUSIC> [ Humming ] [ Laughing ]
<MUSIC><MUSIC> [ Muzak ]
37 ! My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks! in a row ?

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