Peter Kay Soundboard Edit

A bit like trying to choose three DVD's for £15 in HMV and you can only find one you like.

A calling. That may sound a bit wanky, but you know, I really knew the time had come for me to seize the day.

A dance past the mirror in the governors, all whilst avoiding eye contact with Miss Shambo who was sat in the corner scribbling furiously on her notes.

A dance to the back of the stage, straight up to a tree and cock my leg up.

A decision that I let haunt me and I punish myself with what ifs and maybes for a very long time after.

A few days before filming I got a call from the producer just before I went down to London.

A few days later, I started to notice a burning sensation when I pass water.

A few of the managers gathered outside, chatting. I could see them elbowing each other out of the corner of my eye as they approached them.

A few radical members of staff decided to black up the cast, including Mary and Joseph.

A few weeks later, I was on a bus heading into town. When a lad called Simon Aliwal got on.

A foreman in charge of a motorway Rd gang tried to give me a written warning for playing pole position in a mini arcade.

A holiday due to a clause and it dawned on us that we'd have to endure the bloody awful boat trip back to Liverpool again.

A laptop from behind a cardboard bosham Rd. Put them up. Put them up.

A lot to think that by serving on the altar I've done more than me a bit towards securing my place in heaven.

A mature man came when we Toby Foster, who's a drummer in Les Alanos on Phoenix nights.

A penny, a penny here. Before you know it, you've got 30 customers and what I said, I've got 30P.

A queue of impatient drivers was already forming behind them, and before I could tell them both to fuck off.

A quiz systematic about this scenario when we got back to school after our term.

A revolutionary new option. There would be no coursework and no exam.

A scanned his room. He had a lava lamp and a poster on his wall of the lyrics from stairway to heaven.

A scene that ITV decided to cut out a Jesus Christ Superstar in their infinite wisdom when they showed it last Easter Sunday afternoon.

A scrunched up paper up into a tiny ball and then pondered where could I hide it.

A snake bite? A black Russian? I started to get paranoid that customers were just making these names up to take the piss out of me.

A stroll down their order through the gates like John Travolta in Saturday night fever.

A sudden realization enveloped me, and without thinking, I'll let out a scream.

A timely staff password into the computer and put the video higher through the till.

About it, because I know graduated to a Phillips cassette player that my dad had bought me from the catalogue.

Affirmed. They all experience both exciting and rewarding, and it certainly beat me trying to find a space in the gazebo back at college.

After 12 years of education, this sudden change was a slow shock and a massive adjustment.

After a few fruitless telephone calls and numerous answering machine messages sprinkled with expletives.

After a while, though, I discovered he must have been lying because I did a whole raft of funerals and never got paid once.

After calling a press conference in the convent, they announced that the end of year production would be the Wizard of Oz.

After charming the ladies, Roy would eventually climb up into his pulpit and start the game.

After primary school, I made a huge move of 100 yards up the road to my big school.

After sleeping for 17 hours, we walk around tea time the next day.

After the success of the Avid Football advert, I was asked to film a second one for the John Smith's bitter campaign.

After two tests, there was no one to me. Third instructor Norris.

After Vernon left the building at 6:00 O'clock, we basically had the place to ourselves.

After waiting 90 minutes, thanks to Thatcher, I finally got to see the urologist.

Again, it's bang out of order. I find it extremely uncomfortable.

All I wanted to do was drive. Wasn't that the old part of having a driving lesson?

All of their managers pausing uncomfortably with stiff, forced smiles on their faces.

All of us walked this earth with the knowledge that our backs could go at any moment.

All that running around half naked and tripping over next door's dog never did it for me.

All the nutters signed up like lambs to the slaughter and joined a sinking St Bernadettes.

All you had to do was pop the tokens on the scales and air presto, the total amount would appear on screen.

Allow some biscuits are better than and he just stole, changed and.

An ex supervisor once told me that it was her job to push play on the MIDI HIFI before he went on stage.

And 62207 were a girl. I first went out with. I were 11

And added an amazement. But I knew damn well what a handbrake was. I'd seen enough episodes of the Dukes of Hazzard.

And after about 40 seconds and numerous bangs later, I was rewarded with a polystyrene cup, which hesitantly began to fill up with a liquid that looked like bisto gravy granules mixed with saliva.

And after deliberation of 10 seconds we came up with the very fast.

And all because the nuns wouldn't play. Relax, Frankie goes to Hollywood at the school disco.

And all I could hear was the sound of my Adidas kick trainer squeaking as I walked the centre of the hole.

And all that remains is the pit at the back, no doubt, where the can of WD40 is still smoldering somewhere beneath the earth.

And also had my doubts when I was singing Jingle Bells at the Christmas party down at the club.

And anyway, it didn't matter, because whoever got me, I'd still always end up being put in a goal of some kind.

And anyway, she emigrated to Australia. But I've forgotten all about that story.

And as a result, I had become totally disenchanted with the business of shore.

And as a result, there was always half a bottle of milk system in the top of the fridge, next to the cans of coke and diet lilt.

And as it was a wine lodge, there all these names for wines to contend with as well and have customers asking me for Aussie whites and blobs.

And as she got back into her car, I could see her looking round at the one story garage with confusion on her face.

And as soon as I played them, a door swung open in my mind and all those priceless memories came flooding back.

And as the music kicked in, he came on stage in all his man eating plant regalia.

And because the pitch was a public right away, the game would have to be stopped while Lady pushing a pram or pulling a tartan shopping trolley will come over for a chat about the weather or Britai...

And before Rob had chanced to not a response, I was in the confectionery aisle, ripping the lids off as many biscuit selection tins as I could get my hands on.

And before they went, Pam would make up our wages and leave them in the safe.

And began to sell us all warm cans of roller cola for a pound each.

And bemoan the fact that the profits were always down because nobody bought a bloody drink.

And but the original soundtrack to the Motion Picture Buster on cassette.

And by now I've been about 6 or 7 times. We've become really good friends. I tell you, a weird one. Manchester.

And by the time I arrived in 84, things had gone from bad to worse.

And by the time we reached Scotland in the Highlands, where most of the land is National Trust, it had gone beyond a joke.

And continue to be just as totally consumed with it as I was when I first saw Superman and Star Wars.

And Darren Leach is currently on remand for attacking his stepfather with A2 speed Hammer drill.

And demanded that he put me in for me test, which he did. I fail miserably on both attempts.

And during our long, unsociable shifts together and enjoy nothing more than regaling me with stories of his female conquests around the globe.

And even have a School Report that reads Peter seems unable to resist trying to amuse the children around him.

And even if he did linger too long on the lips of certain women, Jason would leg them up as he left the bingo while at the end of the night.

And even that usually resulted in a heated argument between two team captains. We're not having him. We had him last week.

And everyone in class would be like staring at him. Like, beam me up.

And everyone would be trying to watch top it, pops or summer and she dead load and she'd be like.

And everything would have gone according to plan. Avalos and negative answer had an epileptic fit on the last night.

And fair sister squatting by the side of the pool, offering encouragement to us.

And for a few minutes I was completely transported back to my childhood.

And have a quick chat to Darren Leach about his latest video and asked him before you could say I spit on your grave.

And have to chase their tongues around with the plate in case they dropped the Eucharist onto the carpet.

And he asked me this bottle of Pepsi and I drank it back and I said.

And he came charging into the garage like Michael Douglas in falling down.

And he didn't want to go on my dad, but we said get down there and have a nosey.

And he drove around for about six months with a sticker that we doctored in the back of his window, informing people.

And he just wired them up to a battery so the light flashed constantly as a deterrent.

And he played his music solo that everyone else could hear it in the car park.

And he proceeds to bore us to death with the depot sales figures and targets.

And he told me that occasionally he used to get people driving up to the transmitter in the middle of the night in order to complain. I'm not shitting you.

And he went hello and I went I it's me, he went. Ohh how can I help me out? I said.

And he'd only waved at me from his steamroller as he drove past us at the Bolton shore.

And held it directly responsible for the longstanding obsession of with TV themes.

And hopefully we'll be able to settle any outstanding arguments about who said what and when.

And I bought a Terry Winder from Tandy. Ohh. He's carrying that with me everywhere I always had on mate, Lord of cassettes rattling in my pockets.

And I close my eyes and wait for the pensioner screams from behind the partition.

And I could feel the adrenaline rushing through me. There was only one thing to do, so I left him my fairy feet and like a lion possessed.

And I couldn't even I was, like, bent over with a pencil in my hand, and I couldn't.

And I don't know. I don't know what they're on about until I reread that back cover.

And I got him, front room layout coach, because that's what you do, don't you?

And I got runs back trying to thank caravan, you know, block hell or whatever it was. And I got back to caravan.

And I have to admit, I was relieved a few months later when Danny Thorncliffe flipped his lid and took four nuns hostage with some tips and a Bunsen burner.

And I haven't had a chance to open the book. My wife came in behind me and parked the car.

And I just did like a really crap version of Amarillo and everyone sang along.

And I just pray that one day we'll be able to look back at the old story episode and laugh at it together.

And I later read a review that describes Sting as sounding like a drunk in a broom cupboard.

And I literally had to rub my eyes, but it really was there. An elephant strolling down the main Rd.

And I must have shut my eyes for longer than a split second because our miles out. I'm not exaggerating.

And I proceeded to wheel out the old it's once again, I really enjoyed him.

And I pulled up at these traffic lights and he pulled up into people carrying. He weren't winded. Down he went.

And I put it close up against the camera and kept moving it up and down.

And I really needed the money if I was at least gonna continue with me driving lessons.

And I remember feeling dirty with guilt as I ran across town to the bus station.

And I remember my dad falling down in between the seats. He was laughing that much.

And I said, can I can I help you? I said I'm upside down in with.

And I shit it and I'm running and this would be 4 year automatic doors, used clothes. You could still open them, you know, lean out and open your handle.

And I speak from a bitter personal experience when I'll tell you that nuns and schubas don't mix.

And I still always end up having a proper hot dinner as well. I was a growing boy at the end of the day.

And I still get nauseous to this day when I hear Moonlight Shadow played on the panpipes.

And I still remember the look of confusion on my mum's face on Christmas morning.

And I swear I once saw a listed in our local paper for Mary Poppins and Deep Throats.

And I think that was my first experience of being in front of a large crowd.

And I thought it was funny that the mum and dad and they were both like and then the train started moving.

And I used to get out and play bits of songs that sound like other things.

And I want money for me driving lessons. In fact, I had more money than I really needed.

And I was being forced to leap over a horse box and perform a forward roll.

And I was just getting out on a noticed one of me children's books.

And I was saying, please God, please God, God in heaven, don't get an erection. Do not get an erection.

And I was terrified of getting lost. I didn't want to go anywhere. We went on a coach trip to Barcelona one day.

And I'd have them swinging from my handlebars as a search for the dog, but I could never find it.

And I'd listen to them as I lay on the floor, drawing on a piece of wallpaper with coloured crayons.

And I'm about to ride the waltzers for the first time in one of those travelling fairgrounds.

And I'm at mum. I'm in absolute agony, I've got something wrong with my stomach and it's killing me.

And I'm gutted if I ever get there later, miss him. Because that for me, is what going to the cinema is all about, watching trailers.

And I'm still carrying it. We've moved out and I've still got this half a pack of share coming back.

And I've come a long way from drawing cars in the front room floor and we felt tips.

And if anyone could lay their hands on anything, it's short notice. Me, Uncle Tony was the man.

And if I thought the first years were good at drama, then the fifth year pupils were in a different league altogether. They were astonishingly good actors, mature beyond the years.

And if it was up to most drivers as soon a drive around on fumes all day with their orange fuel lights flashing and pulling into a garage for petrol.

And if there was any kind of a disruption, the bingo hall responsible could find themselves landed with a hefty fine.

And if things couldn't get any better, where we're given a double Decker each and a £5 voucher for Double H Smiths.

And if we weren't inventing confectionery, then we'd just be asking for things that she didn't sell like. Or one bar in 20 Benson and Hedges.

And if you're paid 10:00 PM on the last day of term, you're allowed to wear your own clothes.

And if your grades are sufficient, you'll be awarded a qualification equivalent to a GCSE.

And in fact, seem to spend his life in them buying all kinds of shit for tuppence.

And in front room. I was waiting, having my chicken soup, watching Sullivans.

And in saying that, she leaned into the cupboard and pulled out a bottle of GIF cleaner.

And in the office doing admin, but the majority of staff at the cashing carry were male.

And in their infinite wisdom, the local education authority decided to merge that school with ours.

And in those days you used to have these weird double bills that lasted for about 4 1/2 hours.

And it always seemed to happen when the other team was just about to score. The dog would appear at a thinner and start to shag my leg.

And it had four speeds, 163345 and 78.

And it says an asterisk there and it just has. I've just hit rock bottom with the whole non naming thing.

And it still only showed U during football for a quick game of hunt that leg.

And it used to just be me clothes would stink of smoke.

And it was almost banned in the US as a result of its controversial subject matter.

And it was some two blokes and that was so far out at sea.

And it works a treat until Steve forgot that everybody on the forecourt could hear everything he was saying.

And it's still the biggest selling hardback autobiography of all time. Can you believe that? That is what I am reading to you now. This is a book that didn't even wanna get written.

And listing through the air vents of the audience filing into the assembly hall. It was my first big performance since the Moon landings of 84.

And luckily, I've had the privilege of getting to know them over the last few years, in particular, Craig Cash.

And managed to collect most of my badges 125 meter breaststroke.

And many are. Good tuning can be played on an old fiddle providing your strings don't break.

And Mr patzer? Very sorry, missus, OK? I really don't think he's putting it on.

And my idea of heaven is that I get to settle back in front of a large television.

And never bombed him in life. Not unless you count the taxi driver's Christmas party I did in Blackburn last July.

And no doubt it will always remind me of this time no writing this chapter that remind me of this afternoon.

And no, I don't want to get all the Vinci Code on you, but over the years I've come to the conclusion that Catholicism is rife with hypocrisy and confusion.

And nodded towards a souvenir of Pope John Paul, the second clock on the wall in the kitchen.

And notice some of the groups had colored charts and elaborate files filled with notes on technical data.

And noticed they weren't so quick to stop the leader having a late night screening of titty titty gangbang.

And now he kept me off school and we went to the audition.

And now in her 80s, and I couldn't ring anybody.

And now she definitely suspected Graham having an affair. What should she do?

And now she's doing voice overs for British Gas.

And now, because of these newfangled CD's and laser discs, the future was starting to look bleak.

And of course, when you jump off the top diving board, the director.

And on one particularly bad shift, a block laying around the shop door and asked me if we had a toilet.

And on shaving block with a stutter drove up to me in a forklift truck.

And on the day it arrived in store, HP crafted a very special script.

And on the odd occasion she left me alone, I made it my moral duty to inform customers of any discrepancies in value for money, for example.

And on the opening day, I assisted the shoppers through the automatic doors of Bolton's first nettle superstore, water shitole.

And one night in the middle of the rush hour, I saw a fat couple struggling to get over Sierra.

And other irreversible damage to our already fragile lumbar regions.

And over them when I was glass collecting, making comments about the winners under their breath.

And put your left foot down, up, down, up, down, he said impatiently.

And running right back at Methodist Church and changing the reversible jacket inside out.

And saw that any form of conversation might eliminate a sense of smell.

And say hello. And they all went hello, hello there all saying hello. It's Peter.

And seeing an half naked male staggered down the beach with the story of the size of a wheelie bin on his shoulder wasn't a common sight at all in the late 1980s.

And seeing just how much food you can stuff into your mouth before the film starts, then spending the rest of the film.

And she knew I'd have to be a mental case to try and get in.

And she said, well, uh, Robert, as he already he's not waited for me again.

And she went on to tell me that she'd just seen a 40 foot crystal bear in the car park, kicking minnies over for charity.

And so loud one night, he failed to see or hear a security van as it reversed over him.

And sometimes, after work on a Saturday night, Steve, myself and some of the other lads would take one of his brand new cars out for a test drive.

And soon I began to realise why it had taken me 1/3 attempts to pass.

And still we were adding behind the benches, each of us in position.

And surely enough, as we approached the gates, Mr Lawson swooped into position with a smug grin all over his fat face. He held out his hand, him with her even arguing. We took our coats off and han...

And that fat, for me, is the funniest thing in this series. It's his greatest strength.

And that Malta, remember the number one song was Malta. We love Malta.

And that were Friday nights. I used to love that. We we used to. My mum used to give us Andrews liver salts.

And the bedlam that ensued? Someone smashed the glass casing on the post of a death wish. Three and the police had to be called to restore peace.

And the next thing you know, I was staggering through the door with a 32 inch attache in my arms.

And the only time I ever saw someone on a car roof it was during the poll tax riots.

And the priest told stories and we all got in groups and discussed the Bible and that with all the nuns, they loved it. The nuns.

And the pupils had the chance to vote between having a swimming pool or a recreation centre.

And the side door behind the counter only led to a dusty store cupboard where we kept out of date fruit, pastels and melted tuxes.

And the top title that he shot me on was what's love got to do with it?

And then 10 minutes later I'm up phone reading out that long number at middle of my credit card.

And then a Chinese family took over and it changed its name to Wenguang.

And then as we were watching it, we could just see her one at curtains or a gapping curtains outside.

And then Dave Allen said he looked over the lunch shoulder and saw a man nailed to a cross hanging from a wall.

And then eventually, he lost his cool look, he said. We've been over this and over this. I have nothing more to say. You're finished working for Top Rank, bingo. Your employment is no more, and you...

And then he opens the door and he drags me in by me. What that bloody hell you're doing?

And then he signed them all for me, just me and him in his dressing room.

And then I turned up the next night. And the next night.

And then I'll be sat outside the greengrocers with me hazards on while she was queuing up for veg.

And then it turned to an improvised game of football. By now the underpants were sodden.

And then retired to the front room for a nap in front of the closed show and a slice of a dairy cream sponge.

And then the tribute to the series, IT subjects us to an early morning roll call.

And then they take it back to the table and then sneakily top it up with a bottle of orange cordial they added in their handbags.

And then we just walk around listening to my Walkman when we double headphone slots.

And then when I turn around to find the room engaged in a sing along to Andrew Gold and never let her slip away.

And then would go away. And I'd always be sad because I'd miss all my friends. I had a few friends, but there were no social media there now.

And then you said, well, let's just check you over anyway. Any patted dry my stomach?

And then, 10 minutes later, some unsuspecting customer would be walking downstairs, bewildered.

And then, a few hours later, I was walking up by the sound of an electric guitar reverberating through the paper thin ceiling above me.

And then, nonchalantly, my mum would stagger into the foyer, scrunching as she walked over to the counter.

And then, with all my might, I threw it down the hall towards the finish line.

And they are assholes with the most tokens, but always going to redeem them at the worst possible time.

And they do their best every year to try and freshen up the agial story of the Nativity.

And they don't even mention this in the book. I'll probably know me. I'll mention it on next page.

And they had. They had all her error in the screws and the arms of the glasses.

And they like to celebrate by throwing eggs and flour over each other in the Front Street.

And they listen to it and it clicks off. Whatever we're underneath could be a bit of a.

And they put this slideshow on and The Hollies started playing. He ain't heavy. He's my brother.

And they said, oh, we've got loads of it and they're giving us all this stuff up, putting boots at car including.

And they talk over each other. Our conversation can spiral from one subject to another.

And they used to draw on the ball, but he used to put his nose right up against the board.

And they used to half asleep. I'd put a 90 minute cassette in and press.

And they were actually much better. David Berner was amazing both times I saw him, and totally different.

And they were like sealed, so they aren't worn them. I mean, I'm not that bad.

And this charade went on for about six months till my sister grassed me up.

And this is what I have expected, the stage to light up and turn into the set of a game show.

And this lad called. I can't remember Barry. He's in his 50s.

And try to stand up for all people on public transport once in a while.

And unless you fancy going up the stairway to heaven tonight, I said yes, you unplug your guitar and go to sleep for a wrap around your fucking neck.

And was rejuvenated as the Canon cinema with the Monday Night film club.

And we all got kicked out at library and we knew we were in for a proper, serious bollocking.

And we both had to laugh when we realized had only been gone 24 hours.

And we could see emergency services down there and we thought, oh bloody Alex Hall kicking off.

And we could see these blue lights flashing on our front room wall.

And we just casually copied from the blackboard as if we've been there all the time.

And we lost our £50 deposit when we tried to adapt their costume to fit Troy's motorized wheelchair.

And we stand it where I have a little dictaphone, he said. Wink, wink.

And we watched them back-to-back three times in a row just because we could.

And we went on a train, mum and dad and are Julie, and she took me Sharon.

And we were greeted at the door by a white woman with dreadlocks carrying a shovel. Wow.

And we're going to watch a slideshow now Father Malcolm set up, and it's all about the plight.

And what really freaked me out the most was when I discovered I knew all of the music off by heart.

And when a customer wants Astra about Aztec Camera, she directed into the local photography shop.

And when he come in, it turned out that next door to Daniel Moon's house.

And when I attempted to explain the concept of the eight track to him, he just left the room laughing and shaking his head.

And when I say White, I mean blinding white. The golden rule in 87 was the whiter, the trainer, the cooler you were.

And when my fingers spread, I proceeded to stab him between each of them with a sharp knife.

And which tiger tokens burning all in the shell suits that impatiently redeemed them for the Tiger Frisbee or a God awful tiger tee?

And while they were screening children's classics like Dumbo, Bambi and Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

And with my newly blackened facial hair, I winked at myself in the mirror and headed for the stage.

And with that, I dropped him in knees and shouted back to him. What, you mean dance?

And you can get any images you may have from the kids of fame straight out of your head.

And you could just whizz the handle around really fast. Making that whizzing noise listen.

And you could put a picture in and I remember you used to get them at Butlins and I've just found one in draw.

And you've got to be very careful. We'd obviously strayed into this area.

And, you know, fear Nick Ross, who presented Crime Watch, says that it's common in those situations.

Another night I was booked to DJ 50th for a fat woman called Jean who claimed she was meant because you've been to waterobics when your mum twice.

Another one bites the dust, said my momma. She dropped the dead hamster down the toilet.

Another problem with working at the cash and carry was that everything was in bulk. This proved to be a nightmare if you fancied something to eat on your break.

Another steep hill on the opposite St Mercy St the one with the milk floor.

Any, and I weren't lying. Come on, messing around. I'm not messing about. I'm in.

Anyway, a scuffle of broken out after the cinema staff informed the customers that they were now full.

Anyway, as with all the other pets we ever owned, eventually it fell victim to the care family curse and dropped dead.

Anyway, Daniel Moon, when he used to write on the board, Mr Panaligan.

Anyway, even if I'd got his Reg, I still don't think the police would have done much.

Anyway, he got to know me and I got to know him. Very strange couple of weeks.

Anyway, he, uh, he rang our house and Susan come out. I said. I've been stuck in here for 20 minutes upside down here. I got the kids book.

Anyway, I sent it to someone else and they said, God, you look thin and you look young.

Anyway, in the middle of the trail, as my dad attempted to pass me one a cup of coffee.

Anyway, it was a lesson learned and I made damn sure I didn't lean back on the chair the next time I decided to help myself to a bit of juicy fruit.

Anyway, she was calling to tell me that she doesn't make sense. She's having trouble following the story. Now, there's six discs in this box. Set of four episodes are on. Each disc ends 24.

Anyway, we had to see this father Phil afternoon have a like a heart to heart with him.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I was about to gatecrash the school auditions for the Wizard of Oz.

Apart and kitchen roll some industrial cling film and two rolls of the finest aluminium foil this side of Wigan.

Apart from actually spitting into the beer, I just couldn't get ahead in any of the pints.

Apart from the odd gay blocking his shell suit or occasionally a woman during the short with her husband in tow.

Apparently at a fortnight in Fuengirola the summer before I worked there and attendance figures dropped by 64%.

Apparently ended up giving the courts back to some local jumble sale.

Apparently Mr. Lee visited the factory on the odd occasion, but our paths never crossed.

Apparently my mum used to play music all the time when she was pregnant with me.

Apparently not by energy drinks and do a bit of a workout stretching and all that before he went on stage.

Apparently there's a big difference in price, but none of the hardface shopkeepers bothered to tell me.

Apparently, one of the supervisors almost choked on his beer when he signed on the big screen down the pub.

Apparently, she packed her bag and jumped over the convent wall in the middle of the night.

Apparently, the year before I arrived, the school had been given some money from the educational authority.

Are going in and out at couch at coffee table. That's what they should put on.

Are in Torquay. I got a dingy and moaned and groaned about a dingy.

Are people saying how can they afford to fly so cheaply? I say try reaching for your life jacket under your seat when you're flying into the sea and you'll soon find out why it's so cheap.

Are you are you aware? He said. Yeah, we're, I'm in. I'm in Lewis in France. I'm on a trip.

Are you sure it's your locker? He said patronisingly. Yes, I said.

Are you think you were quite cool that I had one of them things on the Walkman as well, were you?

Around straight out onto the main road got a bus to Lime Street station and caught the first train back home.

As a result, at filming driving test twice in the last six months I was at breaking point and genuinely considering giving up.

As far as I was concerned, I think the reason I developed a lack of enthusiasm towards PE.

As far as I was concerned, ISIS will sit on the stage holding a sign up saying sorry folks, but there was an holiday when they rehearsed this.

As he continually come behind the counter and turn it down, or worse still, stand at the other end of the shot with his hands over his ears.

As he left, I took the greatest of pleasure in handing him a gift wrapped iceberg lettuce.

As he single under the lifted a case of baked beans off the bottom shelf and placed it on the middle one.

As I drunkenly swayed around in the lounge to the theme of quantum leap.

As I got close to the end of my paper and the auditions will be coming to a close.

As I got older, I became more familiar with the movie version of Porridge that they made in the late 70s.

As I got older, my mum and Dad's record collection gradually became integrated with mine.

As if they've been brainwashed into one of those religious culture you see on CNN.

As it sat nestled in its new home, especially constructed pine Video unit for MFI.

As Jesus hung from the craft, he looked down to see a Centurion looking up at him.

As Mark Dempsey stumped around the stage singing if I only had a brain with a hair lip.

As over on the opposite side of town arrival, Catholic Secondary School called St Bernadette's was sinking slowly into the ground.

As soon as I heard that powerful John Williams score again and found myself a blubbering mess.

As that was the time, my dad decided to take a flask of coffee into the cinema with him.

As the cinema listings govern the quality of shifts you'd be getting at work.

As the clapping subside in Mr Lawson, the deputy head shouted to me from the back of the hall.

As time passed by, we slowly began to get more and more suspicious about the tutor's qualifications.

As we unpacked and stack, the shelves would accumulate lots of waste cardboard polythene. What we used to do was well, I say.

As well as enduring the discomfort of the leather seats, the howling wind and the freezing temperature, we also had to listen to the shittest compilation tape in the world.

As well as having the garage, Vernon also had a sideline in Carya.

As you've no doubt gathered over the last few pages, music is so integral to my life and my company that I can't begin to imagine any of my work without it.

Asterisk in at the bottom, it says, well, it said annual on the banner hanging between British home stores and the cenotaph.

Astonishingly, following me interview, I was given an unconditional offer at Liverpool University for a place and had combined on his degree.

At Alpha Man to write a strong letter to complain to Lucas aid regarding the state of the screw top lids.

At Christmas, everyone got a choice of three gifts. A big bottle of whiskey, a big Turkey or a big tin of quality St.

At least they would avoid those clusters you can see floating on the top of it. Maybe I could leap.

At one end and at the other end there was a picture. They were very popular in the late 70s and early 80s.

At our handle on the side suggesting that it was portable if you're a weight lifter.

At soccer and sputtered towards me, leaned her back and gave her an enormous kiss on their lips.

At that very moment, the dog would appear from out of the blue and climb on. Unbelievable.

At the hospital, my mum and her nurse had to pin me to the floor while a doctor ferreted around him here with the biggest purra tweezers I've ever seen in my life.

At the time, he spent the night in the police cells after throwing a litter bin through McDonald's drive through window.

Avaya White lines by Grandmaster Flash and Melle Mel, which isn't very often these days.

Backstage I found some black coloured grease paints on the shelf in the dressing room.

Barbara's assistant would pull out her specially made flip chart on casters.

Basically be working six days a week making tea for the editing staff downstairs. You'll get £58 for the privilege. It's a crap job for shit money.

Basically, we should try and follow the fundamental rules that were laid out for us in the 10 Commandments.

Because as soon as they set foot through the door, they'd turn into a pack of vicious wolves. They just seemed to change.

Because he had a red triangle in the corner of the screen throughout the film to let viewers know the material was X-rated.

Because he liked to send up the Catholic Church with his material and was considered very controversial at the time.

Because I care. I liked it out at the end of the show and he liked it out.

Because I made less progress with Marion Moran than I did with Raymond.

Because I've got family in Barrow in Furness Ohh Furness.

Because just two people holding your attention for half an hour was a massive inspiration and I I can see that it all stemmed from.

Because Miss Shambaugh said it was too late for me to learn the dance routine and had to sit on the stairs like a good little lion while everybody else cavorted around to wake me up. Before you go,...

Because Mr India promised I could build me on hovercraft and travel to school in it.

Because my cassette had ended anything over 45 minutes.

Because the bloke always wanted something violent and trashy about Ninja settling old scores.

Because the course was drawing to a close, I taking it upon myself to start applying for proper work several months earlier.

Because they always use real people and they're reconstructions. I don't know what I'd love to have played myself.

Because whenever the funeral came in and the nuns got the call, I was dragged out of school and sent up to the church to serve.

Before finally one of them passed it to me and I just tore bunged it over a garden fence.

Before I could arrive at any kind of conclusion, we train of thought was completely derailed by the sound of my dad charging through A&E.

Before I could shut the door, it reversed and was starting to drive off with the passenger door still swinging.

Before I knew it, I could hear the orchestra strains of Ding Dong the witch is dead. And then once again I felt the familiar cold under Vernon as she touched me tail.

Before I knew it, I was unable to control myself and I had tears streaming down my cheeks.

Before I knew it, she'd punch me and push me out the front door. I passed out.

Being absolutely gobsmacked there was so excited. I was six years old. It was 1979.

Being educated by nuns and serving as an altar boy for a total of seven years, man and boy.

Being in that show seemed like academic suicide at the time, in fact.

Bewildered at, staggered to my feet and shout to the others. Did you see it? Did you see it? It did it again.

Big wide area and it goes out for ages and a lot of people go with families because they know that.

Bing Bong when the speaker system is HP gave us an update over the microphone.

Bloody hell, Deirdre, he showed it to me when we was busy chasing a girl's world, doll said as it rolled down the road into the gutter.

Bloody hell, I wanted to get driving. It's costing me £12 an hour this.

Bloody hell, my dad shouted. Turn the lights off but the light wasn't on. It was a glow of the court lighting up the bedroom.

Bobby Ball and Tommy Cannon and I brought it into school with me when we got back.

Bored on pension days are deliberately played Bonnie and Clyde on the video and turned the volume up during the robbery scenes.

Both of us waxing on and waxing off as we climb the stairs to top deck.

Bottles aren't back every struck and the sunlight you shine through and it created this light.

Brats and all. The next morning the seven of us turned the corner in our brand new old ladies coats. It was like the opening scene from Reservoir Dogs as we strolled past the convent in slow motion.

Brendan Crook stuck a false beard on a mime to Bob Dylan and had the privilege of walking on the moon. Well, I say the moon. He was a couple of white duvets.

Bruised and beaten and decided to throw the disco towel in once and for all.

But a few years ago, Esso garages used to give these things away. A cold tiger tokens.

But absolutely no time to spend it. Between the garage, the cash and carry and Netto, I had one afternoon off every fortnight on a Tuesday.

But after the little shop of horrors fiasco, I decided perhaps my future lay behind the scenes.

But after watching 9 hours without a break, I personally felt as though I had been on that cross with him.

But all the fun was at the old building. I found the new store very corporate and clinical.

But also still a brand new set of golf clubs out of the boot of his car before they drove off.

But as far as I was concerned, they may as well have driven those JCB themselves. It was sacrilege.

But as I said, it wasn't just nuns we had teaching us we had humans too.

But as I sat watching the cast jitterbugging around me, I thought, hold on, this isn't right.

But as Jason suffered from spina bifida, we had no choice but to leave him.

But as we exited through the fire doors at the end of the film, we walked into pandemonium.

But as you only stretched to a new Parker from Primark and a Terry's chocolate orange.

But because I was in such a rush, I decided to just count with my locker was fourth across, 2nd row up. Great.

But because of the previous day's cockup, I got back a day late for dress rehearsal.

But before I could answer him, I was distracted by the sight of the Lord MERS carpooling into the staff car park.

But despite their passion for smut and obsession with grabbing my ass every time I tried to reload the file machine.

But disruptive behaviour almost always resulted in her being detained after lesson.

But even then I try and stick to the light stuff like marshmallows and flumps.

But even worse than that is when blokes strike up a conversation with me when I'm Naked.

But every man I'd get up, put on a shirt and tie, and travel on the bus to school with the kids.

But he had the last laugh when he sued the educational authority for damages and won.

But he was just slumped in his chair reading a film magazine with Sigourney Weaver on the cover in aliens.

But he would come on Friday nights and he always used to send his son to the front door.

But how funny will it be in 12 months when you can't get a job because you failed your exams?

But I couldn't even return for a visit because the nuns had demolished the school the day after I left.

But I couldn't have cared less. It was a magical experience for a boy aged 11.

But I declined them all until they got the chance to take my nephew to Manchester United.

But I don't think that would have even helped me, supervisor Janice, as she came charging through the door to tell me that the national had just started.

But I know sister act two seemed unsteady in her brogues and then moved over to the science lab window for a little fresh air.

But I like to perform as a child. I enjoy the attention well. Providing the attention was getting laughs.

But I love that Walkman that I had, and because it had two headphone sockets.

But I never regretted it for a second. Performing the show opened my eyes again to the true potential I had for making people laugh.

But I suddenly realized that those days were over, and that's when it hit me.

But I used to have a lot of. I did have a lot of problems with track wind as a child.

But I wasn't enjoying any kind of success when the doorbell rang in 1990.

But I wouldn't glass that as drama, and any kind of performing was never really encouraged by the nuns.

But I'd prefer that to 20 minutes of basil and Manuel running from room to room with a dead body in an AMPA.

But I've been expecting little playful thing. But as soon as my dad tried to stroke, it took a chunk out of his wrist.

But I've still got a big jock in everything that I use because um.

But if there was one film that succeeded in transporting a whole generation, it must be Star Wars.

But if truth be told, it wasn't very glamorous profession. In fact, it was hard work.

But in the fortnight since I've been employed, no one had bothered to tell me.

But instead of getting beautiful, flowing locks, it just grew straight up like Marge Simpsons.

But instead of shocking us into having the same opinion as them, they should have given us all the facts.

But it took a great deal of self-control to stop myself from asking them why one of their masks was an odd one out.

But it was actually because Jason Wallace told me he'd got a tenor from her widow for serving.

But it was hardly worth calling the police over a penny, I couldn't have cared less. Anyway, I was still in shock for standing up for myself.

But it was when they came to the counter and I told them they were now entitled to a free pound video that things went tits up.

But it went nice Malta. I mean, it was very religious. There were lots of cranes. They were still building it.

But it would pale into insignificance when I left school and got my first grown up job in a factory down the road.

But it's a foot in the door and the last runner we had is now working in Spain on elseid with Alfred Molina. So hey, there's potential.

But just when I've given up any chance of discovering the truth about the facts of life, good old Channel 4 decided screening adult films. Later on Friday night, it was known as the Red Triangle Fi...

But life is a cruel way of teaching you a lesson, and one evening at closing time, she said to me, listen, if you ever fancied taking any music on to copy, then just help yourself. I do it all the ...

But like most addicts, once you get away with it, you keep going back for more.

But looking back, the nuns were completely out of order for subjecting us to that.

But maybe just felt like that to me because I was stuck inside a building with no windows.

But my joy was short lived when it slowly began to dawn on me that house sold Kettle headed only a foot long.

But no, I like tea. There's biscuits in. I'm not a lover of coffee. I like coffee with the Baileys.

But not before we didn't. A few stolen items underneath the rubbish at the bottom of the box.

But once you got around to me and I thought about a question for a few seconds, I replied.

But one thing we did know was that the rancid smell that emanated from that bin was enough to put you offline for life.

But our happiness was to be short lived when some council workers turned up with the local health and safety officer and told Spiderman he wasn't allowed to climb the audience.

But Raymond kept chanting it over and over again. Biking point. Biking point.

But seeing as there was only three girls and two lads, we opted for the Apple titled Little Shop of Horrors.

But she did know how to create a fancier poster display for the new album by Brother Beyond to cover up a rising dancing on the wall above the folk and country section.

But she wasn't. She rang to say that after interviewing several candidates.

But suffice to say, Kevin and I both knew something was going down.

But thankfully, our Indy knows his stuff. He studied the subject.

But that was a labourer at various factories around town, and sometimes I'd walk home from work with him.

But the advice must have paid off because after three attempts, your mum finally passed the test.

But the booze replaced by cheers when the picture flicked back on and they were still mid shag.

But the only problem with giving up is that it would have meant all those other lessons I had would have been in vain.

But the sad reality was I remained totally illiterate when it came to cars.

But the shameful scene I witnessed in the Front Street that Christmas Eve confirmed my suspicions forever.

But the smart art had hung a beach tail out of the boot, so I couldn't read his Reg.

But the technical hit rectified, we soldiered on towards the finale.

But the time has come for you to go back to your cardboard crushing job at Netto supermarket.

But the worst one I can think of is a time somebody, and I'm not saying no.

But their endless barrage of filth and sexual innuendos would have made Burnham Manning blush.

But then again, So what? I've ever been trapped upstairs in a morgue of a record department for over 1/4 of a century?

But then his attention was caught by the sight of Paula Nolan, who was being led to the canteen by two members of staff. She was in her right all state, sobbing and shaking.

But then I turned to the equally confused Sonia to find that she now had a mustache.

But then instead of going back out to the main entrance, I'll let him out of the fire door and ur staircase.

But then, miraculously, after much deliberation, the nuns decided they wanted to go over the rainbow.

But there is some bollocks going around at the moment that I've been in Ireland for the last two years, driving around in a Range Rover.

But there was always plenty of overtime and any shitty part time job had to be better than signing on.

But there was this one scene where they tried to cheat during exam and that's what gave me the idea.

But this was the first time I'd ever experienced a similar feeling on a visit to a cinema.

But unbeknownst to us, our curvey, fun loving days were numbered.

But we were in for the long con and three months later, on the last day of term, we tasted victory ourselves when we saw a furious loss and staggering around the Covent Gardens carrying a mountain ...

But what did they expect me to do with a German shepherd clinging rhythmically to a 13 year old leg?

But what freaked me out was that everybody carried on playing. Nobody even glanced over to see what was happening. Because bengo.

But whatever the rumour, it wasn't going to deter us from queuing for three hours and going on it eight times in a row.

But when I got back to the test center, the Examiner told me what I already knew.

But when I went to clock out at the end of the shift while trying to hold my tin under my arm, I lost balance.

But when I'm staring at me, toaster waiting impatiently for my toaster pop up.

But when we went with the school it was led to the nuns. Now, far be it from me to generalise, but nuns are to teaching swimming what pensioners are to powerlifting.

By now the girls will have grown up and got married, have kids and be back at the same vending machine drinking chicken soup with their own children.

By slapping any unsuspecting persons entering the changing room around the back of the head with the soggy underpants.

By this time my dad. But over here my mum's side of the conversation was started to shake. Questions over a show like.

By this time, the other pupils will become distracted by the commotion.

Cars that perform spectacular stunts, as seen in James Bond films or anything with Burt Reynolds.

Cash only and two for a tenor were written in the same felt tip as the day Glo cards was seen in the woods.

Cause he goes away every year with all this like special needs group.

Cavorting around a cartoon map of Jamaica and the words weebee jamming.

Certain songs like Screamadelica Primal Scream always reminds me of cleaning the car wash.

Cinema came out of its little decline in the mid 80s thanks to box office smashes like Ghostbusters and Gremlins.

Climbed over a construction fence and jumped down into what would have been the art department.

Clint got a major bollocking off the nuns and would be banned from going swimming for the rest of the term.

Clutching a carrier bag full of cassettes, albums and a laser disc of the Eagles landed.

Coincidentally, my paper and circle the houses surrounding the school. In fact, I used to deliver a paper to the convent.

Collapsing mine shafts, inner city riots, with or without petrol bombs.

College could be fun sometimes, you have to admit, but I was finding it hard to settle in. I wasn't really enjoying myself.

Come on boys, you've seen the stress and trauma that we've all had to go through this evening, he replied a bit incredulously.

Connie Palo. Another rush. She showed me the ropes. I should have said the string string.

Contrary to popular myths, I was also quite partial to a school dinner.

Could no longer live with the guilt in his betrayal. Committed suicide by hanging himself from a tree.

Crash knows why? Because when he got up there, he just stood still for 20 minutes and called out the numbers.

Cut to a close up of the Welsh music teacher inspecting his saxophone in horror.

Danny Thorncliffe had just got out of the Burns unit when we're testing him by throwing lit matches at his bandages.

Darren Martin had said something at school about Father Christmas being a load of bollocks.

Delaney spent so much time perfecting their maid scenes that he seemed not to notice the dwindling attendance figures as one by one, students resigned from the course.

Delicately sliding them out of their tatty paper sleeves for the first time in a long time.

Delicately, I balanced the paper on the edge of my ear and then sneezed violently and it shot down into my ear and got stuck.

Desperately trying to delay our journey back, but inevitably we'd have to swim back towards.

Despondent I threw myself into work and took on 1/3 part time job.

Ding Dong, no. That made me jump even though I was expecting it.

Dipping biscuits in your tea and how they break really easily.

Disgruntled, the woman left the garage, leaving a trail of paper tokens fluttering behind her.

Do you like to eat CDs and get his lipstick out whenever visitors car around?

Don't breathe, don't smile. You think you were going on holiday or something. It was one rule after another, but they really kept banging on about at every opportunity was.

Don't bring cans of pop onto the court as it can easily roll under the foot pedals and cause a major Rd accident. You dig.

Don't even think of going to the toilet on board unless it's an emergency, and even then, if you do, no solids.

Don't forget, this was Greater Manchester in the early 1990s. It was more drug taker than starmaker.

Don't know where he is and how he well we had a won that in our class. Daniel moon.

Don't know. All I could do was stare at my big toe, which was starting to resemble something out of a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

Don't think you'll be seeing these again until the end of term, he said Gloatingly.

Don't you just think it'll look stupid with everybody else dancing except me? I said to missus shamble.

Drugged up to the eyeballs, we said our emotional goodbyes and headed for the boat.

Due to a cockup at head office, I've been on £3.00 an hour since the day I signed my contract.

Due to a lack of funds, we had to hire a man eating plant costume from a local amateur dramatic society.

Durham Brown was no match for Regina when she tapped into a customer's mind.

Elena shouting back. He's coming soon, lads. He'll save us all.

Equally embarrassed me. That would be quickly flicking over to something less provocative on the other channel.

Especially if they were ones for apples, because the card, but you could make you know when you had your.

Especially one of the fire officers turned out to be the one he'd had the phonetic alphabet discussion with a few months earlier.

Especially when he used to snug the pensioners full on on the lips. Everybody knew Roy was gay.

Especially when I pretended to gesture the layer of a new four lane bypass.

Even at that age, he had the feeling for where my vocation life was gonna take me.

Even then, I kind of knew my talent for comedy was more of a vocation.

Even this week on the radio, they've been playing a new song called Trouble by Ray LaMontagne.

Even today, I can't stop myself from visiting the Texaco garage on the way to the Multiplex.

Even today, I get a small thrill from reading the weekly cinema listings in the paper.

Even when we traced the full size image of Pope John Paul, the second out of our e-book, onto the blackboard.

Eventually I discovered, like all children do, that Father Christmas didn't exist.

Eventually we came across a caravan sat in the middle of the woods with no wheels.

Eventually we got our coats on and made our way to the main entrance at the front of the store.

Eventually, I felt the cold hand of a nun touched me in the darkness.

Eventually, she glanced up from a copy of True Detective to see me now out of my chair, slapping the side of my head like a maniac.

Every credit to them, they always clapped and cheered and their memory of their false smiles will stay with me forever.

Every Thursday for a few weeks more, two students were invited back to our school.

Every wedding I ever went to was either in the function room of a workingmen's club or in a tattoo room over a pub.

Every year in August, Vernon and his wife, Pam, would go on a golfing holiday to Florida.

Every year on the last Friday in May 8, coaches would leave the convent packed with hyperactive children and head for Alton Towers.

Everybody at the checkout was lying face down on the floor except bill sounds, the disabled shopkeeper. He just sat in his wheelchair with his head bowed.

Everybody else chose names like supersonic, the Hurricanes.

Everybody missed my flight because they were too busy watching the nuns trainer all the tongue down with a shatterproof ruler.

Everyone got up to leave and get their bags and I couldn't.

Everyone knows that when you lean forward until you head to one side, the volume of life goes up.

Except for when Danny Thorncliff followed through in metalwork. But I don't really want to talk about that.

Except maybe Jonathan Ross, because let's face it, he's fecking everywhere these.

Except me uncle Tony. He just kept slagging off all the tracks that were playing on the Top 40 Countdown.

Fast forward one summer and I'm back here once again. Same hospital, different table.

Feel confident reading it out because I was never a good reader at school. I talk about this later in the book, I think.

Few that was close, I thought to myself as I squirted it up and down the saxophone.

Finally, after what seemed like an hour, the doctor started to drag the paper out in here. The noise was deafening. It was like this.

Fingers was in such a state of despair that he climbed out of the bog window and never came back.

For a good talking to and Frigg made her nuns like to talk.

For a second I thought she might have been calling me to have a word about the state of my bowels.

For example, I was always taught to go to church every Sunday and we did that until my mum discovered a loophole in the Bible.

For some reason, maybe it was just nosiness, I followed them into the canteen.

Four weeks from that day, in front of our parents, some governors and possibly the Bishop, depending on whether or not he was back from the World Cup.

Francis was chaotically working in both sound and light, and it was just one cock up after another.

Fresh tea was being poured into the cup and out of focus. In the distance, beyond the terrace there was a field.

From that moment on, I became a lifelong fan of porridge, and he opened my eyes to the comic genius of Ronnie Barker.

Further down was a Co-op, later taken over by Spa Sonia so.

Gardening instead of exams? That can't be right, said my dad as he studied the pamphlet during the trips. And factor.

Gavin said he had no choice but to let me go and sack me over the phone. I was gutted.

Get him and climbed up onto the table lying your side, Mr Campbell, your knees up into your chest.

Getting a free pound video was Hollywood night's way of false economy.

Go and get me that sorrow to shed. It'll have come off and I'd start wailing like a banshee.

God only knows what shape will be in, or indeed what shape will be in years to come.

God, I you know, I struggled. I remember getting Richard and Judy's autobiography.

Good God in heaven, I said, trying to disguise it as a cough and almost severing her fingers in the process.

Graham and Colin from the local security firm, been delivering the same wages at exactly the same time every Thursday night for as long as I've been working there.

Granted, I got to sing the odd solo here and there on silent night. Or little donkey.

Had a bit of a I don't know whether a midlife crisis once in a shop in Edinburgh ended up buying all this walking stuff. Still ain't cupboard. Never walk once that were 2003.

Had been victorious, beating the girls into the pool, but at this rate.

Had booked a meal for their family at a pub restaurant that had been highly recommended.

Had no connections with showbiz. In fact, I've never met anybody in showbiz. Not unless you count Fred Dibner.

Had no idea what he was on about and immediately found that we didn't sell any magazines or newspapers. Sorry.

Had no idea why or where I was going, but I just knew I was onto something good.

Had risen mightily to the challenge with their remote controlled jet powered Land Cruiser.

Had to be realistic. I was just an ordinary working class lad from Bolton who made people laugh on the lunch breaks.

Had watched the other members of staff and tried to copy them, but it was useless.

Hamas is well. Request it when I get to heaven because I wrote to Jim, we'll fix it in 1982 and her sod all back.

Hang on, hang on. I've just noticed the lighthouse family CD was in with The Beatles.

Happy moments in my life. It was a gorgeous sunny day. Beautiful blue sky. I was in Morecambe.

Have competitions and occasionally that have publicity stunts, like the time 300 of us turned up to watch Spiderman scale the walls of the Odeon at half nine on a Saturday morning.

Have no idea how familiar are with the Wizard of Oz, but whilst on the way to the Emerald City, Dorothy and core are attacked in the forest by some creatures known as the Jitterbugs. They're insect...

Have no idea what was wrong with her. All I saw were a topple off her seat and the next thing she was jigging about on her back.

Have you ever used a Jack lift before? He said as he nodded towards another lad, pulling a pallet with one.

Having subjected us to the longest sex scene in motion picture history.

Having the phone U and turn around to find half of an eye staring at me, Lord knows what they made of that conversation and my pips.

Having watched it over 40 times during the summer of 95, the same goes for Independence Day and Judge Dredd, or Judge Dreadful as I prefer to call it.

HB thanked us all a second time. Like I said, boys, thank you very, very much.

HB was there to meet us and he thanked us for dealing with the situation so maturely.

He accused me of hiring videos out to customers and pocketing the money. The cheeky bastard.

He actually doubts I did a backflip, but I did do a backflip. I remember where I was stood.

He already had a stack of similar letters in the same distinctive handwriting.

He also discovered taught horticulture to disabled people on the other side of town.

He always wore a rainbow colored cumberbund, and he'd forced Janice, a supervisor, to iron it every night before he went on stage for a session.

He asked what advice he had for anybody in actors who may have been watching and fancied having a go acting.

He banged on the knocker as hard as he could and eventually a fierce looking nun answered the door.

He came to school in a special taxi and was always touching his privates.

He chatted to me about what I'd be expected to do during filming at the swimming pool in Crystal Palace.

He come over here. Come on. Come on. Kay and I went. I'm in agony. And you were alright, Mr Patton, in Furness.

He decided to keep me out of sight, so he showed me upstairs in the record department.

He did a fabulous comedy double take. His jaw dropped and he started to Twitch.

He didn't even know his cat, it was, but he'd heard it crying and climbed up to get it down.

He didn't. It was just the cassette thing. What I used to do is I used to wake up.

He ended the article by mentioned that he'd never had a day off sick in 28 years, not even when the doctor suspected meningitis.

He ended up getting suspended for breaking a woman's teeth with a plastic tennis racket.

He ended up working a shift and selling some fish while he was at it. True stories were.

He gave me a bit of a stern talking to and then offered me a lion bow and I started to cry.

He got bottled by the crowd at Manchester City football ground as soon as they came on stage.

He got me a coat, a good waterproof coat, and it was hanging off the kitchen door in all its glory.

He got on the couch and he had absolutely no idea where it was going until it pulled up outside Bolton fish market.

He got out with his suitcase and, frightened, he walked up to a huge pair of wooden doors.

He helped him down and we had a chat. He looked much older and sporting a big white bushy beard. He looked like a cross between God and Captain Birdseye.

He liked to glue them together into the shape of a Christmas tree or a sailing boat.

He loved his hair on and he carried around with him all the time and especially upholstered leather pouch that Barbara had made for him.

He loved that microphone. He was never off it. He'd spend hours dictating and creating scripts with Barbara.

He never revealed where he got it from, but I noticed the turn all clock had stopped working a few days later.

He reached for the steering wheel and managed to turn the floor around 360 degrees.

He reckoned the cuts he received to his face as a result of the blast.

He repeatedly said passing pupils whilst attempting to hand them a pink PVC Mac.

He returned with an enormous pair of industrial bolt cutters and without so much as flinching, he snapped the lock off the front of the locker and went off to greet the yellow bands from the pool w...

He said he'd found confirmation on his hard drive that had made numerous transactions over the last few months.

He said it so indignantly they had no choice but to casually glance down and read them.

He said it with a quiver of discomfort in his voice, and he pointed to the handbrake.

He said the secret to the success of the Bingall was giving the Billy Bunters what they wanted.

He said they had me torch and now we're just shining it round beach looking for.

He said when he was a child his parents sent him away to a Catholic boarding school deep in the Irish countryside.

He said, oh, you've gotta play this cassette. Let's go out together and sit in my car. We put it in this cassette player and.

He shouted. I thought stupid boy was a bit uncalled for, but it didn't seem the right time to mention it to him.

He shows it reached into his pocket. He threw me a 10 pence piece. Yeah, ring for a fucking taxi.

He spoke very little English, and rumor had it had originally come to the college to learn joinery, but I got out the lift on the wrong floor.

He starts at the garage as a Saturday lab. When he was just 14 and now he was 38, it had gone beyond the jaw.

He thought he had his hand on a bus for most of film, but when the lights came up at the end, it turned out to be her handbag.

He thought it was historical and he would drop everything, including his trousers, at the slightest hint to perform in a farce.

He thrust the rental case into my hand and whispered. Are you taking the piss?

He tried it himself, twisting and turning the key every which way but loose.

He turned his attention to me too, took a sharp intake of breath, smiled proudly, and said.

He used to begin each night by reading out dedications and birthday wishes.

He used to take his sunglasses off and put him on his desk.

He was a big, bearded fellow with a booming voice that reminded me of Brian blessed.

He was a nervous wreck with a sweep over and a tank top like Frank Spencer on steroids.

He was always popping pills at the weekends and on Sunday mornings could be a nightmare working alongside him.

He was always the same. Whenever I had any kind of accident, he was some. I found it funny to wire me up.

He was doing his own and his wives and he couldn't manage. Unbelievable.

He was enjoying a weekend at the Reading Festival and would have got away with it if he once had been caught on camera dancing to Transvision Vamp in a crowd shot.

He was lived with his mum anyway. She'd burnt in this fire.

He was obsessed with part timers like me progressing up the bingo ladder and eventually becoming callers ourselves.

He was tired after spending another day pounding the streets as a traffic warden.

He was wearing a tiger bum bag and she was dressed in a colourful XXXXXXXX large T-shirt.

He went down there one Sunday afternoon on his grifter. His brakes failed.

He went outside to talk to her and the next thing I could see there were nose to nose screaming obscenities at each other.

He would go mentally repressed, pause or Fast forward or the rewind buttons.

He'd regale us with stories of the latest slasher film he'd seen, acting out the scenes for us in violent detail.

He'll do it. He'll do it for a few quid. He's day around, Crystal Myers over we Christ, some bones of his arse.

He's actually never seen a record player before or heard of a cassette tape.

He's as vents as a Figure 8, everyone knows that, she said under her oxygen mask.

Head office had a management overall later that month. In an effort to make the store appear much more consumer friendly, the managers were forced to have the photographs taken and put in a display...

Hearing them again evoked a powerful aching inside of me for a time that has long since gone.

Heartbroken, I trudged home in the snow with a dented tin under my arm.

Hello everybody. Welcome to Top Rank. My name's Roy Diamond, and it's great to see so many of you here this evening with the cemetery shut.

Hello round. I couldn't believe it was actually me that had said that. I was shocked.

Hello. OK, I like your new Nick trainers.

Her feet hit her wet spot, which sends her skin across the floor on her arse.

Her name? Oh my God, I felt really inadequate and thick and I just sat at the island in the kitchen in.

Here, I'll give you the money myself, I said as I dragged him through the car park home.

Hey, and that's is why it's a recorded audio, because you got the you got it, you got it. Then didn't you panic? You were.

Higher in the latest video releases or badgering the store owner for the cardboard stands as seen in the shop window of Police Academy 5 or Cannonball Run 2.

His jokes were just a series of smutty innuendos and double antonidas.

His name was Mick Santiago and we were to become work buddies over the next few months. In fact, we even stayed in touch after Mike got the sack for getting someone else to clock in for him.

His secretary didn't come back down in the lift with me and frankly, I didn't blame her.

Hold. Don't mind me, you just argue amongst yourselves, I mumble as a fail me nails.

How am I gonna get home? I said with tears in my eyes. Sweet Jesus.

How do I get across that freezing cold pool of four inch water without getting my feet wet?

How to do a 3 point turn and what pipe shag to buy from the duty free shop at Ostend?

How? What's asked for this project was to design and build something that could travel 30 feet.

Humming the tune over and over while my dad bought some new steel toe cap boots from the world famous Army Navy store.

Hurry up, she'd shout. Open your eyes, beat. OK, you're swimming into the wall.

I also believe that a man called Jesus did walk the earth at one time, but I don't think he was a superhero that the Bible makes him out to be.

I also managed to get him some holy water from John Paul the 2nd to private vestry in Rome.

I also wanted to do that especially on a summer's day, so I could just swim and drink at the same time.

I also won't be able to complain to anyone because there won't be anyone there.

I always just get crap presents as well when I'm on holiday because my birthday is second of July, so we're always aware. I always used to get.

I always used to play my recordings back to my family later. Is that my voice? Say.

I apologized them both and tried to reassure them that at least it got big laughs.

I arrived at the back of the assembly hall in time to catch the last of the auditions.

I arrived back in time to start work on our big final year production.

I arrived to find the air company had dropped off the equipment, but I neglected to leave me any lights.

I asked him what times lesson started, to which he replied next week.

I asked him why and he accused me of neglecting me work duty by having a birthday hangover. Cheeky bastard.

I began putting any thoughts out of being in show business to the back of my mind.

I believe that Jesus spoke about peace. He spoke about turning love into hate, tears to laughter, war into peace.

I bounded out from behind the curtain to take my opening bow. So far, so good.

I briefly told her about my past history with Raymond and she laughed. Apparently I wasn't the first person to suffer his cigar smoke.

I brought in a thesaurus and the other lads chipped him. They helped me write the fictitious references and forging the lecturer signatures.

I brought it with me because I've seen some documentary about the Second World War, with all the women working in munitions factories and singing along to workers playtime on the wireless, and a ve...

I came home the other night and there were two empty wine glasses on the kitchen drain. What do you think?

I came in early and next morning slipped the cassettes back on the shelf before Regina arrived.

I can also stop the take once in a while and go for a swim in a pool of vimto.

I can only imagine it must have been like that for Henry Winkler when he played the Fonz in happy Days.

I can still remember the excitement waiting for my uncle Tony to swing around the side of the laundrette in his Navy Sierra.

I can't breathe. I can't breathe. You're going to sink us and I'm trying to push his ass. You have no ask me dad, by the way.

I can't remember much about the film as I was on a double date with Paddy at the time and he was trying to get to second base with Geraldine Sloan.

I carried on working at friendlies for another six months, but I had to leave because her management decided they wanted to change the continental.

I charged upstairs 2 steps at a time and burst into my mum and dad's bedroom.

I chose drama and theatre studies, American studies and information technology.

I completely expected a new course to suffer from teething troubles.

I confess to occasionally borrowing a few videos at the end of my shift, but I said I'd never once profited on my actions in any way.

I could actually see it throbbing and it was beginning to turn a violent shade of maroon.

I could barely make them out for the tissue paper that hung in the air like a sunlit fog.

I could feel the threatening gaze of 1000 Catholic eyes staring down at me from heaven.

I could go on, but I think you get the picture. Every song is a story and that's the way it'll always be.

I could hardly breathe my eyes and my nose was streaming, but I soldiered on regardless.

I could have been lying in a pool of blood Riddle where bullets. By the time they had finished, the team had it over.

I could have died of embarrassment. I just smiled politely and uncomfortably reached for something to read.

I could make it an extra sketch out of its box in the snow and a Tonka toy dump truck.

I could see me Dad and he dropped what appeared to be a bin bag full of toys on the ground.

I couldn't get anybody elses, so he had no choice but to take me on. Ah, that's funny.

I couldn't reach the only phone I could reach from my work phone, which I don't have on me.

I couldn't see the point of getting your normal clothes dirty when you had a uniform to work.

I couldn't wait to get out-of-the-box and play with it, but all that had to wait till we got back from Christmas Day mass.

I decided to reenact the scene from the film aliens featuring the knife wielding Android called Bishop.

I declined the job there and then and regretted it. As soon as I put the phone down, I felt like I'd thrown away me one chance.

I didn't even have to tip my head to one side this time because I heard it loud and clear. It was my new driving instructor, Marion of Marion Moran's School of Motoring.

I didn't even know the dog. I'd never seen the dog before, but it started to take over my life.

I didn't mind that time to kill, and it was Vernon's phone bill at the end of the day.

I didn't realise he travelled so slowly until I ventured up on deck. We've been sailing for four hours and I found I could still see the liver building.

I didn't realise that. I'd obviously just done them both and they looked so he knew Adelaide.

I didn't relish the idea of selling white goods to the public for a foreigner. I knew nothing about vacuum cleaners, chest freezers and tumble dryers.

I didn't want to eat, sleep and breathe, act in. I just fancied having a go at it.

I do cars in every colour me bumper pack of felt tips would allow.

I do have a vague recollection of my uncle Rory give me a fireman's lift up my granny's path, but the rest is just a blur.