We Are Lady Parts - Season 1 Edit

A band. Mad.

A bit of dignity and respect

A bullet in the heart,

A call to the masses

A cartoonist by trade.

A constant pout? Like, "Hey, guys.

A couple of camels and this cheese bread."

A couple of Imran's cousins have bailed,

A dagger in the clavicle.

A delightful freak show,

A descendant of Babylonian kings, no less

A djinn? A ghoul?

A horny reprobate. [laughter]

A humble virtue, I say.

A light schmoozing at Noor's engagement party with my fake man,

A loving, meaningful connection

A movement for radical transformation

A presence was making itself felt.

A song called "Bashir with the Good Beard,"

A thirsty bitch with a shred of talent.

About a group of young women

About being misrepresented.

About the bees and the trees. Mm, no

Adenylate cyclase toxin known as

After all, last night I had performed poetry

After everything we've been through?

After School Guitar Class.

After she destroys the city.

After what you did. It really kills you

Ah, Noor. Why don't you run off, then?

Ah!

Ah! Sorry!

Ah! [clattering]

Ahsan Alcoff.

Ahsan had done his duty as my fake man.

Ahsan? Again?

Alas, dear vessel of creative life.

All biro and Sharpie on paper.

All grown up, selling soap.

All I had was this aching heart, three chords,

All my friends were either married, engaged,

All of it is wrong. People hate us

All these serious brothers, but do you ever think

All those cute dates at galleries,

All: ♪ And he's under my headscarf ♪

All: ♪ Broken by the empire ♪

All: ♪ Broken by the empire, raised my MTV ♪

All: ♪ But you got dreams he'll never take away ♪

All: ♪ For losers ♪

All: ♪ It's a rich man's game ♪

All: ♪ Putting money in his wallet ♪

All: ♪ The tide's gonna turn and it's all gonna ♪

All: ♪ The toxicity of our city ♪

All: ♪ Voldemort ♪

All: ♪ Voldemort, Voldemort, ooh Volde Voldemort ♪

All: ♪ Voldemort's alive and he's under my headscarf ♪

All: ♪ We are the champions, my friends ♪

All: ♪ Well, I know I'm gonna be ♪

All: ♪ When I wake up ♪

All: ♪ You, what do you own the world? ♪

All: ♪ Broken by the empire, raised by MTV ♪

All: He's alive, he's alive.

All: Mm.

All: Mm.

All: Mm. Betrayal? Wait. Betrayal?

All: Ooh! Oi, oi, oi.

All: Sparta!

All: Yay!

All: Yeah!

Also, no dress code.

Also..

Although from his voice note he sounds like a pacifist,

Always wanted to have an all girl backing band.

Am I right? Avoid. LOL.

Amina Hussein, 26, Capricorn,

Amina is looking for the yin to her yang,

Amina, come on!

Amina? You getting this?

An entreaty to change the world one chord at a time

An item, a thing.

An unsettling encounter, no doubt.

An unstoppable force

And a woman in her power walks

And although it may not look it,

And as for me,

And Ayesha will set you up with her brother.

And despite my tarnished status,

And finding a husband, like I always wanted

And for the first time in a long time,

And he runs these amazing poetry nights.

And he wants to hang out again!

And her skin is usually a lot clearer,

And here I was, back on the shelf.

And how does it feel to be a queer, Muslim woman?

And I a withering shell of a woman.

And I don't know, maybe then we can call it even.

And I hope you listen.

And I told her to, you know, piss off.

And I wanted to tell you this before anyone.

And I was doing my bit.

And I'd like us to be official.

And I'm not ashamed.

And I've done a lot of soul searching.

And in this green and pleasant land,

And into my body, release my demons,

And it deffo wasn't. I was there to pray.

And it's really killing my punk edge

And it's shot in the head.

And Marnie is fucking amazing. Thank you.

And mother to his children.

And Noor's wedding prep is mental.

And not just for me.

And not talking to us

And now you've found yourself,

And our great new friend.

And pack mentality in the modern man

And pairing it with the pink lip

And saved your influencer friend the trouble.

And see how it goes

And she heard my phone go off,

And she kept going on saying how the devil was in me,

And she was confronted by a new and terrifying obstacle.

And she's got lots of width and breadth going on,

And she's killing it in school, crazy smart.

And smoke this here doob.

And so, it seems, was Saira.

And sour girl power

And stimulating conversation."

And Taz is making waves

And that's when she, you know, popped the question.

And the resulting snafu

And the truth.

And the west in raucous frenzy of unskilled guitar music

And they had the selfies to prove it.

And they wanna hear us play.

And they were clamouring for one thing

And this is our venue.

And told them to fuck off.

And two...

And we can be famous, yay.

And we'll find our audience by playing

And wrestling with badly behaved bacteria.

And yeah, it's not usual for him to be late.

And yet, no matter what I did,

And you are a sad, pathetic little man.

And you did nothing about it

And you don't care what anyone thinks.

And you gave all the power of launching our band

And you just disappeared. Sorry

And you think it's my fault

And you was a real bastard to me

And you, the esteemed panel of absolute randomers,

And you're telling me you didn't know she was a snake?

And Zarina is the real deal. If you'd met her, you'd get it.

Anything outside London zone five

Anywho, as promised,

Apparently where it's at these days

Apparently, sawing carcasses

Are less frowned upon in punk.

Are you are you fond of the concept?

Are you actually defending this twisted music?

Are you for real? Come on, man.

Are you gonna introduce us?

Aren't you supposed to not care what people think?

As a way of making alliances with other men.

As far as I'm concerned. Fuck this band!

As receptionist at a temp agency

As Uncle Sam's handmaiden riding around on a bicycle

At least I wasn't puking, right?

At that moment, I just really hated her

At the Syrian children's fundraiser..

At your local mosque, just in case they ask.

Ayesha and Zarina had been seeing a lot of each other.

Ayesha had totalled her car

Ayesha told me the band broke up.

Ayesha told me. Just wanna check you're okay.

Babe, you're amazing.

Babes in Toyland. Great three piece bands

Bad girl, huh?

Band practice. Get Mustafa do it

Basically. [giggles nervously]

Beatles

Because obvs, you guys are queens, and I'm a big fan.

Because you were horny. Ugh.

Because your home planet has run out of resources

Before we choke on the fumes of this toxic masculinity

Before your freakiness owns you.

Besieged on all sides, or to protect my honour

Big difference. No crowd.

Blink 182

Blissfully unaware of the article's release,

Blood, not blood

Boo boo, you want something?

Boom.

Both: ♪ And yawn and stretch and try to come to life ♪

Both: ♪ For folks like me, on the job from nine to five ♪

Both: ♪ Fuck you very much ♪

Both: ♪ Fucking big back ♪

Both: ♪ He's under my headscarf ♪

Both: ♪ He's under my headscarf ♪

Both: ♪ She has no man ♪

Both: ♪ The place where she was born and raised ♪

Both: ♪ Voldemort's alive ♪

Both: ♪ Voldemort's alive, and he's under my headscarf ♪

Both: ♪ Voldemort's alive, and he's under my headscarf ♪

Both: ♪ We are the champions, my friends ♪

Both: ♪ Working nine to five ♪

Both: Halal!

Both: Hats? Helmets?

Both: Yeah!

Breathe, nice and slow. Yeah?

Bright colours and everything?

Bringing Ahsan to the engagement party

Brings out your shame

Brushed gold serving spoons.

Bu but I can't.

But also wearing it makes me feel confident,

But anyway, I'm the band manager, not Saira.

But Bisma and Wasim know.

But brazenly, I went for it

But by day, he's a mortgage advisor.

But come on, what can I say?

But doesn't really know it, a total freak,

But everyone was having to adjust

But for what?

But his eyes were actually kind of...dreamy.

But I appreciate the sentiment

But I can't we can't

But I couldn't

But I couldn't help but be a little distracted

But I had given up the band, the music, Ahsan, for...

But I really like it. The band, it's like...

But I wanted to inquire... Yes?

But I wanted to tell her something true

But I'm a highly intelligent woman.

But I'm sure he'll be cool with it

But in a really normal person way, you know?

But in a shallow way

But it does great journalism.

But it is crucial.

But Lady Parts had other plans.

But let me explain something.

But my attention was needed elsewhere.

But not for getting a husband.

But not for this

But nothing bothered Saira.

But on here, keep it halal, yeah?

But she liked it

But she made everyone call her Roxy 'cause she hated her name

But she was struggling with the reality.

But she went and died when I was ten kind of randomly,

But she's, you know, pre menstrual.

But some online thing

But strictly nonsexual way, or whatever you kids call it

But the others, not so much.

But then, at a certain point...

But this gig is a chance to say who we really are.

But this was a victory, and the only way was up.

But wasn't sure where else I could go.

But we all know this Amina thing isn't gonna fly

But yes no, I will tell her. I'm so sorry.

By Jove, I had to.

By other people's bullshit ideas of us

By the power vested in me,

Bye uncle Abdullah. Bye, baby

Can't hear you mumbling

Can't you hear our sound is thin?

Can't you see what they've done to you?

Champagne table covers, carnation sheer d****s,

Classic.

Come on, Bisma. We got to find her.

Come on, hands. Come on!

Come on.

Come on. Mo, I told you I can't

Come on. It's not an obsession.

Concocting a confused mix of hash anthems

Consequences. You ever heard of that?

Cool

Cool, here she comes.

Could be a good shot

Could be fun.

Could cause such netherward stirring?

Could have, but I didn't

Could this get any more awkward?

Could you kindly direct me to his whereabouts?

Country and western, rootin' and tootin' shit

Crusty spinster back in business,

Cut and run, bro. Cut and run

Damn. Okay.

Daughter, I think we should depart from this place

Day job: a purveyor of cheap ladies' undergarments

Debra Messing hires a male escort, Dermot Mulroney,

Desirable male hoped I got home okay

Desperate for attention,

Destiny? Kismet?

Did I want to be in the band?

Did you say "Voldemort Under My Headscarf?"

Dismantled everything they had been working for.

Do have a higher success rate

Do we have an Amina? Here.

Do you know what I mean? Hey. Hey

Do you think he had Ugly Duckling syndrome?

Do you wanna stay at mine?

Do you? [laughter]

Doesn't make it theirs, you get me?

Don't you care?

Dreams dashed, back to the grind

Earth mother, actual mother.

Elegant and fun, but not too fun

Emptying my guts into a collection bucket.

End of the road. Ye olde local

Enjoy it. Yay.

Enjoy the show.

Especially none like you, anyway

Even Ayesha and I were bonding...

Even massive dweebs have rights, man.

Every chain's embrace outspread

Every day wading through the toxicity,

Every little stupid thing I said and did

Every sister and their sheikh knew about it

Everyone in the community was sure to be there.

Everyone was going to find out.

Everything the band had wanted

Eww. Freaky.

Excellent.

Except this one time, for the "Bacteria Digest Podcast."

Excuse me one second. Bye

Excuse me. I didn't ask for an Uber pool

Experiment.

Favourite loser is boring.

Feelings are like... flowers.

Feelings of inadequacy

Finishing a Ph.D. in microbiology

Flames leap high and steel glows red,

Followed by "First Man"

Followed swiftly by an epic audition with Lady Parts.

For 30 years, hated each other.

For a cheeky bit of ultraviolent,

For a second, will they care for your needs?

For holding space with me. I just I'm sorry.

For Lady Parts. For Noor

For my intellect.

For some serious jazz Gosling in a nice suit,

For Sound Smash sounding like this

For that hit of brooding, astronaut Gosling

For the express purpose that we would be able

For the Syrian infants.

For the things I said

For this Sound Smash competition,

For truth is living yet

For you to understand your missteps.

For your tongue is still your own

For your two lips are free

Forget it

Friend zone her.

Friend zoned by Ahsan,

From all those Saira pep talks

From the sidelines.

Fuck that! Yeah, fuck that!

Fuck.

Funny

General thoughts welcome

Get all the likes and all the followers,

Get out of Dodge for a bit.

Get over my stage fright, so.

Get some kudos, why not?

Get you back to you.

Gets the creative juices flowing

Girlfriend boyfriend thing,

Given how wet he is. [laughs] Yeah.

Given my current academic engagements

Go on. You can do this.

Go through your rubbish, like a raccoon

God fearing, Muslim man would want to marry you

Godzilla. [laughs]

Going to an engagement party mutually.

Good luck

Good, good

Got a new guitarist, who's dope

Got me. [laughter]

Great name.

Grinding you down into a soft powder of pure, uncut rage

Growing up fast. They do that, don't they?

Guess what, Ma.

Had come together to raise funds

Have I got news for you.

Having a sister is the kind of thing

Having mochaccinos and selfieing,

He doesn't like me

He gave me this.

He goes to my uni.

He hoped I got home okay

He just cycled past, carrying some baguettes

He knows the deal

He thinks I'm cool

He wants a woman who will be a devoted wife to him

He was even more ravishing in the flesh

He was just doing me a favour,

He'll be here soon.

He's a new guy, you know, beard

He's diabetic.

He's gonna send me to Iraq to marry my cousin

He's just not into me

He's just so beautiful

Heartbroken after being dumped by Zarina,

Helps me blow off steam.

Her artwork: a celebration of femininity.

Her name is Ruksana

Her raison d'être

Her whip is a VW Golf named Hans

Here we go

Here we have Bacillus anthracis.

Here, look, tell her, your terms, yeah?

Here's a little something we thought you might like

Hey, I'm..

Hey, Nora. Thank you so much.

Hey. Sorry oh, hey hey!

Hi.

Hi. Hi

Historically, four piece bands

Hmm, an undergrad?

Hmm?

Hmm.

Honest mistake. Could happen to anyone.

Hope you're..

How are the microbes and things?

How did they? How did they? Oh, God. Oh, God.

How does it become so big so fast?

How is it possible? I don't understand

How to engage with an audience.

How?

How's my vegan marble cake selling?

Human things that you want that I can't

I I didn't It's cool, it's fine.

I I don't perform

I I laugh in the face of shame.

I I mean, I think um...

I I wanted to return Fabio.

I actually live on this planet

I advocate for women of colour. I create for women of colour

I am not you.

I beg you, man, don't start this again

I built that following from nothing.

I can't deny, it did feel quite good.

I can't, I can't. I've never been a pub before.

I can't. I can't do it.

I care about you,

I could figure this out.

I couldn't tell Noor the real reason I left

I couldn't tell Nora about Lady Parts

I crashed my car, so I'm stuck working

I didn't deserve to be a part of Lady Parts

I didn't feel I could face it.

I didn't play drums at that point.

I do have few years on you.

I don't know him

I don't know who she gets it from.

I don't know who she is. I mean, her name's Layla.

I don't know why you don't just do one yourself.

I don't know, I don't know. I mean, I I think, "Godzilla."

I don't know, snacks?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. It's just a side thing.

I don't need this. I'm gonna go.

I don't play. I just teach.

I don't see why you're in such a rush.

I don't want

I felt different after playing with Lady Parts

I felt it when I first walked in this place

I figured, maybe it wasn't such a big deal

I got your "NME

I guess I'm just looking to meet like minded individuals

I had never written a song before.

I had to find a husband.

I hadn't spoken to the band or to Noor since.

I hate this

I have 1.2 million followers because I understand

I have not hitherto sought any nuptial arrangements

I I had some ideas

I I lose my mind over every Bashir with a good beard

I just

I just I just I just I just I just mm.

I just ruin everything

I just teach, okay?

I just teach!

I just teach. I teach.

I just thought she might want to hang out

I just want to play.

I keep I keep I keep [laughs]

I know that's really annoying

I know you've got a good heart.

I know, humble brag, humble brag, humble brag

I know.

I lay my troubles aside.

I learned on the job, as they say.

I mean, but she's very fastidious.

I mean, c it worked.

I mean, I could puke. I always puke when I perform.

I mean, it never really was anything

I mean, just look at these guys.

I mean, official capacity dating.

I mean, we should, yeah

I mean, what's wrong with wanting to get married?

I mean, who knows what might happen?

I mean, yeah. Yeah.

I met Don McLean, hmm?

I must be in an alternate universe,

I need to I forgot to check on my fungal growth...

I never thought I'd say it, but bring on the audition.

I really like you, but just, you know, as a friend

I really want this to happen for you,

I release you from my quaking unworthy hands.

I remember you.

I respected your wishes

I see how happy Imran makes you

I seek to elevate women of colour

I should have been way more clear after the date.

I should have messaged and not been a psycho.

I should head. Uh, sorry.

I should just wear a sign, "ruiner of lives

I spoke to my Sheikha,

I still had to uphold my end of the deal.

I still hadn't told my friends

I suggest you do that before you step on my stage.

I teach guitar

I teach underprivileged kids guitar.

I think humanity has greatly underestimated

I think I'm freaking out

I think I'm getting drunk on the booze fumes.

I think I've ever laid eyes on.

I think it is vitally important,

I think it pertinent to bury oneself in one's work.

I think we need to decompress, hmm?

I think you should find your Zen, and shove it up your ass.

I think you're good.

I thought

I thought it best not to divulge details to Mother

I thought it'd look good if I say

I thought Roxy was pretty stupid too

I trusted you. I trusted you!

I unshackle you from my evil man domination.

I vowed to myself there and then

I wanna dedicate this to a new friend

I wanna speak to Amina.

I want the band back

I want to help get you back on track.

I want us back together

I wanted to apologise for, like,

I was a woman in her power

I was buried in coursework

I was getting my life back on track

I was in over my head.

I was master and commander.

I was no longer a washed up loser

I was out of Lady Parts, good and proper...

I was playing!

I was ready for anything

I was successfully juggling being in the band

I was thinking maybe I could pop home for a bit?

I was wondering if you wanted to go for dinner

I wasn't sure physical contact

I would audition with Lady Parts

I would audition with Lady Parts for Sound Smash.

I would like my first main feature to be on you guys.

I would never perform again.

I, Amina Hussain,

I, with Lady Parts, had penned a punk anthem

I...

I'd die alone.

I'll be right back. Take five, team.

I'll fuck with your face, understood?

I'll speak to Imran,

I'm I'm desperate.

I'm actually sorry

I'm aware of him, yes

I'm behind on my coursework,

I'm currently looking at tribalism

I'm going set her straight, I just haven't yet,

I'm gonna be sick

I'm gonna give you a shit rating, mate

I'm gonna speak some words

I'm jealous of this Amina person, man.

I'm just um, well, Wasim and I, we, uh

I'm just a girl, standing in front

I'm just helping out. Why are you here?

I'm just not what you want

I'm just saying come along tonight

I'm Noor. Ahsan.

I'm not gonna play in your group.

I'm not weird.

I'm right here, okay?

I'm setting up the interviews. Yeah, yeah, whatever.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry for being shit.

I'm sorry the gig didn't go as planned.

I'm sorry, I just can't.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Ayesha told me you were upset.

I'm the lamb, by the way

I've just officiated us into...officialdom.

I've never actually ever been interviewed before

I've never met her before. Wasim wanted me to meet her.

I've put band profiles up on Facebook, Twitter

I've written a song that I think could really bang

If a woman puts her work before a man,

If he knew you had this old white man on your wall?

If I double tap her on the forehead?

If it's okay with you. I totally understand if not.

If we wanna get into Sound Smash.

If you can't pull a crowd

If you dangle any passable male in front of her.

If you have any kinks you need sorting out,

If you just said who you really were.

If you wanna be in the band, I will do everything

If you wanna close the deal,

If you'd just listen to the lyrics, the music, it's not

Imam Inunzimam. Mm

Imran proposed.

Imran. Imran.

In a band.

In a moment of white hot road rage

In case you were worried.

In exchange for a meeting with Ahsan

In happy symbiosis

In my power to help you get over your anxiety.

In the front row.

In the lab.

In war torn countries.

Incessantly posting band related content

Inshallah.

Is I never met girls like this before

Is our gig venue.

Is she, Uncle Abdullah?

Is that okay with you? [groans]

Is that, like, a fetish thing?

Isn't it perfect? Perf, totes perf

It it could be a bit haram.

It actually has something to say.

It didn't feel right.

It forms a calmodulin dependent

It has never been that easy.

It is reason enough to, as you put it, "cut and run"?

It looks like I'd learned something

It outlines who we are and what we stand for.

It seemed like needless self flagellation,

It sounds really dry, doesn't it?

It was coming. I could feel it coming.

It was good for getting into university,

It was great to meet you

It was hard to say.

It was intoxicating being in the band.

It was kind of... cool.

It was massively my bad, but shit, man,

It was my engagement party, Amina

It was my fault.

It was my sacred duty as her best friend.

It was Ruksana who was always getting in trouble.

It was this kind of place

It was though gravity was crushing me down into stasis.

It? What it?

It'll be because I ran away from you

It'll be ripped off by "insert corporation here"

It's [laughs awkwardly]

It's it's just, um, I'm not sure people will get it.

It's about being heard

It's Ahsan, by the way

It's all about the angles. Fuck you

It's band life, I guess.

It's Donnie. Come quick.

It's hella magnifique. You are gonna love it.

It's impossible to be mad at you.

It's just like your music

It's just that I forgot to put my phone on silent.

It's just that my ringtone was Slipknot,

It's just, like, ah!

It's just, um, what if this isn't right?

It's just... [sighs]

It's like I don't even know who you are.

It's okay, hon.

It's set in an alternate dystopian present,

It's the new shit

It's up to me to get us some profile and get us some gigs.

It's wrong

Jury is still out on the whole starting a family sitch

Just admiring your bath bombs.

Just back off.

Just give her space. She'll come around

Just jizzing all over our songs

Just thought it best we meet on neutral territory

Just two mutual friends

Keep looking.

Kya hua?

Lady Parts are gonna be in a magazine, too

Lady Parts would not play Sound Smash on account of my

Launch ourselves on our terms.

Leave a message

Let's do "Voldemort Under My Headscarf

Let's get our guitarist back.

Let's give the people what they want

Let's go

Let's go. Let's go

Let's hang out with this fucking great influencer.

Let's move on, shall we?

Let's split up. I'll take the backstage.

Leukaemia

Lighter I don't know, braver

Like a freight train careening

Like a good little lapdog. Fuck Noor, and fuck you.

Like angles, angles, angles

Like Frodo journeying through the treacherous Mordor

Like he would only fight in self defence,

Like Metallica, Rolling Stones,

Like Michael Jackson, Mick Jagger?

Like Queen Nefertiti or Beyoncé.

Like some creepy axe murderer.

Like some stinking vegan

Like that series on burgeoning music scenes

Like, 11% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes,

Like, actually dead.

Like, terrible.

Like... Yeah.

Listen, I told you.

Listen.

Literally the best thing ever

Little did I know, things were about to change, big time

Living a double life anxiety.

Living two lives was no mean feat.

Loads.

Look at them. They're us

Look at your facial hair.

Look, I just I'm just trying to play

Look, I'm sorry, I know it's must be horrible,

Look, tell her, "Be my girl.

Looking for devoted wife/mother.

Love, love.

Lustrous facial hair, indicating royalty,

Lyrics and chords all there

Ma, ow. Well [huffs]

Mad, right?

Male escort reporting for duty.

Mashallah. Mubarak ho

Massive loser back on the shelf

Mate, so much has happened

May you find solace elsewhere.

Maybe Saira was right

Maybe smart casual smasual.

Me and him. Me and my man

Me, Amina Hussein,