That '70s Show (1998) - Season 1 Edit

A few? No, two. Try two lousy games. Not a few. Two.

A little.

A scrawny little neighbor boy.

Ahoy, Jackie! Welcome aboard the USS Kelso.

All alone in my big house.

All I did was beat you at a few lousy games.

All right, all those who are getting some, hands up.

All right.

All she said was that she'd be alone Saturday night with a pizza.

And 40 years from now...

And how.

And I am over here.

And I don't care. So please leave my property.

And I gotta go.

And I guess my butt, too.

And I know he's got beer in it.

And I noticed that someone left your porch light on.

And I really wish I hadn't just said that.

And I think this polyester uniform is giving me a body rash.

And I went like, "It takes one to know one!"

And if you can't give me those things, Michael...

And it's a dirty thing they want.

And my wrist hurts, and I think I'm coming down with the flu.

And neither will Eric if you're not careful.

And no boys. They only want one thing...

And now I can't.

And only quitters quit.

And remember... Hey, look at me.

And she was like, "No," and I went, "Yeah."

And sometimes he wins, and sometimes I win.

And that's game! Man, what a slaughter.

And then taking some more.

And use the proper finger release technique...

And we never kept score and we always had fun.

And, work isn't fun, you know?

And?

And...

Anybody else?

Are you kidding?

Are you ready to rock and roll?

As long as you don't care.

As long as you know what's important.

At Lake Geneva this weekend.

Because Barbara's are bigger than the walls of Jericho...

Because Fatso Burger hired Eric instead of Michael.

Besides, if you worked here...

Bingo.

Both of which have taught us very valuable lessons.

But be a man?

But I like it when you describe it to me. Do your Chico impersonation.

But I thought that Mom needed your help.

But I will tell you one thing.

But Kris Kristofferson could not take it anymore...

But now I'm my own boss. That's not true. I answer to a lot of people.

But talk to you

But talk to you

But they made me Assistant Manager, threw the money at me...

But when you get older, you are going to realize...

By the way, Mom and Dad are going to the Playboy Club...

Bye, mom.

Come on, I'm going to teach you how to play basketball.

Come on, Kitty, it was a hair net...

Cool. Me, neither.

Covered in gold chains.

Damn dryer's broken. Nuts. I need my vice grips.

Dating is prostitution, man.

Do you find that annoying?

Do you guys want souvenirs?

Do you think you'd sleep better...

Doing your job.

Don't make Tina eat dirt. I mean it.

Don't slouch.

Donna beat you in basketball?

Donna just put on the full court press, man, and you dropped the ball.

Donna, I have never been to an American party. May I come?

Donna, it's for you.

Donna, some of your creepy friends are using Dad's stereo.

Donna, you sat on my chest and made me eat a clump of dirt.

Donna, you're intentionally throwing the game.

Donna!

Donna! Welcome to Fatso Burger, how... Screw it.

Doofus is friendly but he doesn't follow directions well.

Down the street

Down the street

End of an era?

Enough said.

Eric and I have been playing games our whole lives.

Eric will never be your boyfriend if you keep beating him at stuff.

Eric, don't you want your balls back?

Eric, I just got this new bikini, but I think it's too small.

Eric, I'm going to the reservoir. You wanna go?

Eric, I'm meeting everyone at the hub. You wanna go?

Eric, if you want to quit, your father and I will completely understand.

Eric, the whole reason I told you...

Eric, welcome to the Fatso Burger family.

Especially a girl you love.

Everything costs money. Gas, clothes...

Exodus and Deuteronomy...

Fine.

First of all, people who work at Fatso Burger are special.

First of all: yuck.

For God's sakes, I know how to cut the legs off a table.

Forget it.

Forman has the ball.

Forman has the ball. He fakes left, he blows by Pinciotti.

Forman's old man's got a fridge in the garage...

Four...

Frustrated. It's frustrating as hell. I mean, I really put myself out there.

Fun.

Getting some? Hyde? Fez?

Give me a hand, Eric. We'll flip this thing over.

Give me the ball! What do you want?

God, I can't believe you care about this.

God, I'm so stupid.

God!

Gonna have the whole world on a plate

Good.

Good. Make sure no guys are hanging around Donna, capice?

Good. Now, wrap the cord around your neck.

Goodnight now.

Goodnight then.

Goodnight, Eric.

Gotcha.

Great story.

Hanging out

Hanging out

Have you been practicing?

Have you been standing there the whole time?

Have you seen Pam in a tube top?

He fakes left. He fakes right. The crowd is on their feet!

He spends all his time fixing things.

He sure as hell is not inside that fridge.

He's going to be this pathetic guy...

He's in there working on my refrigerator.

He's not scrawny.

Hello, my name is Eric Forman.

Hello, pretty lady.

Hello, Wisconsin!

Hello, Wisconsin!

Hello?

Hello?

Here, here, my minimum wage friend. I demand service.

Here's to our wasted youth...

Hey, Donna.

Hey, Eric, I'm going to see a movie. You wanna go?

Hey, Fez. Good evening, Donna.

Hey, Forman. Where's that big Fatso smile?

Hey, Forman. Who said you were on break?

Hey, man, nice dress.

Hey, Red. Is Forman around?

Hey, remember when we were eight and I beat you at wrestling? That was fun.

Hey, wait. Who won? I wasn't keeping score.

Hey, you're not going to make me eat a clump of dirt again, are you?

Hey.

Hi, Dad.

Hi!

Honey, I think your annoying friend is right.

Honey. Men don't control the world.

How do I get where Ricky is?

How does that make you feel?

How's that mopping coming along?

I allow people to boss me around.

I am ashamed to know you.

I am in love with a Doofus!

I am not pig whipped.

I ask you to look out for Donna and here you are...

I can't believe Forman missed all of those signals.

I can't hear you, Eric, I'm ironing.

I can't.

I didn't mean to make you hang up on me. I'm sorry. It will never happen again.

I didn't want you to feel bad about losing to a girl again.

I don't answer stupid questions.

I don't think so.

I don't think these guys really want to hear my...

I got an idea!

I gotta go hide the crock pot.

I gotta go inside, but I'll leave the light on. I don't want you to gloat in the dark.

I gotta say, Dad, I'm a little disappointed here.

I gotta work.

I just love romantic movies, don't you?

I just think it will be a wonderful experience.

I just want to hear the guitar solo one more time.

I just wanted to spend some time with him alone...

I just wiped the court with you, from one end to the other.

I know, it's just...

I love chocolate.

I love the uniforms.

I love this!

I mean, I'll be babysitting my sister Tina all weekend.

I mean, if I get off early I could, like, swing by.

I mean, if...

I might order a pizza.

I saw that.

I see.

I see. And do you have trouble sleeping at night?

I speak Dutch.

I swept the driveway for you.

I think I ought to shave down the legs.

I think we got it. That's lovely, Red.

I thought he did a wonderful job.

I was gonna go to college...

I was just coming home from work...

I was on a break from the hospital...

I work late on Saturday night, but...

I would love to come over, but this is my job.

I'd like to thank you all very much for coming in.

I'd love to, but I'm kind of tired...

I'll be in the garage if you need me.

I'll have to make new legs for that damn thing.

I'll see you around.

I'm a real people person.

I'm afraid so, dear.

I'm afraid so.

I'm brutally honest. Pinhead.

I'm exhausted, I'm behind on all my homework...

I'm going home for dinner.

I'm great looking and he's jealous.

I'm irresponsible, I'm a quitter, and I couldn't kill a cow with a hammer.

I'm just happy to be part of the Fatso Burger family.

I'm so lucky to have my big, strong grizzly bear around.

I'm sorry. I remember saying, be a man, not be a wuss.

I'm telling you, Jackie, this body is a curse.

I'm thirsty. Michael, get me a pop.

I'm waiting.

I'm...

If he's like this now, he's gonna be a total headcase...

If only there was some scrawny little neighbor boy here.

If someone happens to stop by, that'd be pretty cool.

If they shut down the plant.

If women don't learn to stand up for themselves...

If you had a scrawny little neighbor boy up next to you?

If you want me to.

If you work hard, pay attention...

In the middle of the night hanging around the back door...

Inside.

Is it me, or is that refrigerator too loud?

Is this table wobbling?

Is this true, Eric?

Is what Moses said to the Egyptians.

Isn't that romantic?

It didn't look wonderful to me.

It gives me needs.

It makes her want you.

It must've been my roach clip.

It was a good experience. I learned how to use a hammer.

It was his idea.

It's about seeing how much crap you can take from the boss man.

It's almost 8:00, and I've got to call Jackie.

It's just as well. I'm pretty bad at it.

It's just as well. It was cutting into your chores anyway.

It's like you're looking at the Grand Tetons. In a tube top.

It's never too early. But let me tell you something.

It's no big deal.

It's not much of a party without you there.

It's work.

It's your job to get good grades, go to college, graduate and leave me.

Jackie, hold on.

Jackie, maybe they won't notice.

Jackie?

Jackie's dad owns it. I guess I could get a job there.

Just me and my nightie.

Just me. Alone.

Just say it and she'll go home.

Just shooting some hoops, waiting for an apology.

Just that it is so darn great, Red.

Kelso, go home.

Kelso, quick question:

Kelso, would you stop that?

Kitty, take your hand off that melon.

Kitty, when I was his age, I worked in a slaughterhouse.

Kitty...

Let me tell you a little story about Doofus and Diligent.

Let's see what happens here.

Like anyone cares.

Like the spirit of your Mayan forefathers.

Like those nice Japanese people in Flower Drum Song.

Like who?

Look, Donna, I'm sorry, okay?

Look, game's to 21. I'll take it out first.

Look, the issue isn't, are Pam's big, right?

Looking good!

Looking good!

Looking sharp, Eric.

Looks like a big order just came in.

Losers out.

Losing to you, you big, strong grizzly bear.

Lover.

Man, are you still on the phone? Come on, let's go.

Maybe Donna doesn't want to throw a party.

Men will always control the world.

Michael, call me at 8:00.

Michael, do your Chico impression.

Michael, I am so tired of hearing that. You still have me.

Michael, rub oil on my thighs while I spank you.

Michael, sit. We need to talk.

Michael, you and I need to talk.

Michael, you're so bad.

Michael!

Michael!

Michael.

Midge, this table is a little wobbly.

Mom, has Dad gone crazy?

Mom, I'm sorry, I forgot.

Mr. Pinciotti, you're home.

My eyes.

My forefathers were not Mayan.

My girlfriend's dad owns it.

My parents were going away was so we could hang.

Name something about yourself that you consider to be a weakness.

Name tag, nothing kind of a job.

Ninety eight...

Ninety nine...

No more excuses.

No parties. And I want you to be nice to your sister.

No way you could stop that!

No, describe it to me.

No, I came out to get one of your father's tools.

No, I don't know.

No, I mean the rules change.

No, it sounded cool.

No, it's definitely wobbling.

No, Mom, we're in a school play about two people who hate each other.

No, that would just ruin it, Red.

No, yeah, rock star.

No. Don't worry about it. Someone will stab Eric. Bye.

No. Don't.

No. You have a job.

No. You popped the waterbed!

Nobody wants to roll up their sleeves and work.

Nope. I gotta work.

Nope. I gotta work.

Nope. I gotta work.

Not a thing to do

Not a thing to do

Not again. Use the headphones.

Not like a fish. Again.

Not with a loose hand. Firm.

Nothing, sir.

Now she's got some knockers, baby.

Now what did I come out here for?

Now, Diligent always does his job by the book.

Now, I know you're looking at me and wondering...

Now, if Maria beat Tony at one on one, they would have never fallen in love.

Now, let's get started.

Now, the state dump...

Now...

Of course not.

Oh God. What am I gonna do?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. So everybody knows?

Oh, no. Poor me...

Okay, foul?

Okay, I was just gonna...

Okay, I'll tell her there's an emergency...

Okay, it is like in West Side Story.

Okay, let's hear it.

Okay, look...

Okay, Mr. Smartmouth...

Okay, now look, that's a little uncalled for.

Okay, now, you take your time and you do a good job.

Okay, she was going like, "That is so gross!"

Okay, show them your honorable mention from the science fair.

Okay, the water was really cold...

Okay, then.

Okay, why not?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. I quit now.

Okay. Let's play.

On the slant cup dispenser, you could be me.

One game isn't going to kill me. Okay.

One hundred.

One...

Only quitters quit.

Only you don't always get what you pay for.

Or any games, for that matter.

Oyster crackers.

Pam Macy.

Party at Donna's.

Party.

Pinciotti actually scores! Hell freezes over!

Pinciotti has the ball. Forman guards her closely.

Pinciotti leaps on his back!

Pinciotti, the underdog, up by five.

Please stop touching each other.

Please, someone else talk now.

Prison.

Really?

Really? You left your own party to come see me?

Red, honey, forget the refrigerator.

Red, there is no noise.

Remember?

Remind me to kick your ass.

Ricky, how did you start working at Fatso Burger?

Rock star. Or, no, movie star.

Said the man who's never had a girlfriend.

Say, "Yes, it is."

Second: things don't even work like that anymore.

See? That's a smartmouth.

See? That's how that works.

She fakes faking right and fakes left. Now she's actually...

She fakes right. She fakes left. She fakes right, then left.

She hung up on you. Let's go. You call her later, okay?

She tries to shake him, but she can't.

She will crush him, yes?

She'll buy that, right?

She's not a pretty lady. She's my sister and she's 14.

Shush! Okay, I'll see you later.

Shut up.

So Barbra Streisand became this huge star, right?

So he drinks and crashes his car.

So I beat Eric at basketball. What's the big deal?

So I gather you and Donna are going through a rough patch.

So I never got to go.

So I thought I'd bring you some nice, hot soup.

So Michael's a Doofus?

So now suddenly we're calling every little thing?

So that men can feel superior.

So we're on. I'll bring the beer!

So when I dove in, you know...

So, are you still coming to the party on Saturday?

So, big party Saturday night.

So, can I work?

So, Dad, the guys and I are thinking about getting jobs.

So, Jackie.

So, like, everyone else might be gone.

So, Michael.

So...

Sometimes, yeah, I do.

Sounds good.

Sounds like your dad's losing it.

Stick some sugar packets under it, will you?

Sucker.

Sugar packet?

Sweep it yourself.

Take your hand off of that melon.

Tell me, what do you consider your best quality?

Tell them about your junior achievement experience.

Thank God. Something to eat.

Thank you. Now, Michael, call me tonight at 8:00.

Thanks, 'cause being pitied is so much better.

That is so sad, burger boy.

That it's pretty silly to get upset about losing a game to your girlfriend.

That night we had by the reservoir when we went skinny dipping.

That was going so fast, you couldn't even see that.

That was pretty sad, Eric.

That's game.

That's game.

That's good, dear. You stick to your principles.

That's great.

That's insane.

That's it?

That's more like it.

That's okay. You know what? Here, I'll do this.

That's okay. You were obviously under a bad influence.

That's what the Equal Rights Amendment is for.

That's what's wrong with this country, Eric.

That's...

Thatta boy, Diligent!

The issue is, are they bigger than Barbara's?

The new Fatso Burger's hiring people.

The same old thing

The same old thing

The town dump? No.

Then this is all a big waste of time.

There is no clock.

There is plenty of time later to get a job to grind the joy out of your life.

There's something wrong with the garage door.

They could give a rat's ass about that.

They're all looking for their sugar packet solution.

They're chanting: "Forman! Forman!"

Things that don't need fixing. Things I need. Things I use. Things I love.

This is a first. I actually agree with Jackie.

This is how the book says to do it. "Wipe left to right."

Three...

To unionize the workers, man.

Toga!

Together. You know, alone. Yeah.

True, but they're not bigger than Barbara's.

Trying to figure out why this guy didn't hire me.

Two...

Unless Donna happens to be, you know, a girl.

Wait, Michael, something feels wet.

Wait. What about Kelso? I mean, Jackie has him totally whipped.

Watching TV.

We did last week

We did last week

We expect you to be responsible when we're out of town.

We got four hours until your bedtime, and we are gonna drill.

We need to talk.

We'll get rid of these chairs and we will sit on the floor...

We'll have a party at Donna's. A toga party!

We'll see.

We'll share.

We'll start you off with 100 squat thrusts.

We're both acting like jerks. I'm sorry.

We're sure as hell gonna find out now, aren't we?

Welcome to Fatso Burger. How may I serve you?

Welcome to Fatso Burger. How may I serve you?

Well, honey, anything will wobble if you shake it hard enough.

Well, I gotta get back to work.

Well, not me. I'm getting the saw.

Well...

What about the table?

What are you doing?

What are you talking about?

What do you know about that?

What do you know, Kelso? We're out of beer.

What do you want?

What refrigerator?

What signals?

What was that?

What, is that a big deal?

What, you guys don't remember Esther, the biker chick?

What?

What?

What? You're saying that I'm stupid?

What're you doing here?

When you think of one, I'll be glad to hear it.

Where do you even get that stuff?

Which of these ladies are easy?

Which, as we all know, came tumbling down, right?

Whipped like the family pig.

Whoa, yeah

Whoa, yeah

Whoa!

Whoopee.

Why are you looking for a job?

Why can't you date someone a little less annoying?

Why do you want a career at Fatso Burger?

Why don't you go watch TV, while I get lunch ready?

Why don't you take off, go see him, I'll watch the kids?

Why?

With breasts the size of watermelons!

Women have to pretend to be weak and fragile...

Work is not about fun. It's about work.

Would you guys respect me if I worked in the town dump?

Wouldn't that fall under the "stand up straight" category?

Wuss, wuss, wuss!

Wuss, wuss, wuss.

Wuss.

Yeah, and Tony never would have been killed in that knife fight.

Yeah, came back early. Yeah, missed the kids too much.

Yeah, except for one thing.

Yeah, I certainly would.

Yeah, I don't care. So, Eric, are you gonna be there?

Yeah, I mean, it might be really late...

Yeah, I'm quitting.

Yeah, I'm sorry, too.

Yeah, it seems I'm really Fatso Burger material.

Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, she hung up on me. Let's go.

Yeah, there you go. Okay.

Yeah! Way to be, way to be. That's right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. No, I mean, yeah, that would be great.

Yeah. Thanks, Hyde.

Yeah. Thanks.

Yes, but this is America, wuss.

Yes, I do.

Yes, it is.

You are both so stupid.

You beat Eric at basketball! How could that happen?

You brought three beers, meathead?

You call me if you need anything.

You can tell all your cats how you won a basketball game.

You can't even see that from your house.

You could, and I know this is a radical suggestion...

You couldn't see me whenever I wanted you to.

You did a half assed job sweeping the driveway.

You dumb ass.

You gonna be around this weekend? Yes, sir.

You gotta go.

You guys, no one's allowed in the house!

You just worry about you.

You just... You gotta try harder.

You know what I think it is? What?

You know what would be a good romantic scene in a movie?

You know what?

You know what? I don't want to talk to you about this.

You know, Eric, that's what I like about you.

You know, ever since the plant cut back his hours...

You know, if I'm still up, I could leave the light on...

You know, in my country, if a woman beats you...

You know, Jackie, I've been wracking my brain...

You know, maybe we shouldn't play basketball anymore.

You know, sometimes I'm beginning to think you're a real screw up.

You know, you haven't gone fishing...

You know...

You see, one day I want a house, and kids, and maybe a chandelier.

You serve first. Okay.

You sit down and you eat your soup.

You want it? You want it? You want some of this?

You'll be great

You'll be swell

You're a good guy, Eric. I don't care what they say about you.

You're fired, Mr. Smartmouth.

You're right, Hyde.

You're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee.

You're telling me.

You're welcome.

Your father and I have played many games over the years...

Your father's fixing my refrigerator.

Your parents are going to be out of town?

A monkey types Hamlet! One nothing.

Again. Right, rat's ass.

All right, screw it. You want to just play? Yeah, I do.

Are you okay with that? Sure.

Ash trays. A woman.

But that's when Chico And The Man is on. I know.

Cool. Okay.

Could I model it for you? Nope.

Crud. No. Now look.

Dad, about this table... Eric.

Dad, I'm quitting my job. You're quitting?

Dad, we don't even know who won. She did. Now hit it.

Dad. Eric.

Daddy. I'm so sad. Why, kitten?

Dates. Dates cost money. No, Kelso, that is prostitution.

Did Dad tell you that? You leave your father to me.

Do you want to play air hockey? With you?

Don't be a smartmouth. Right. No smartmouth.

Don't be her whipped pig. Yeah, look...

Donna, what are you doing? Running out the clock.

Good eye. Thank you.

Hello, Mrs. Forman. Hi. Eric, did your father come down here?

Hello, my name is Eric Forman. No.

Hello, my name... No. Step into it.

Hey, nice shot. Thanks.

Honey, could you open this jar for me? Sure thing, pudding.

Honey, it's me. I know. I have to say that.

Honey, we're eating. Yeah, let's just put a sugar packet under it.

I can't. The movie starts in five minutes. Let's go.

I did. And who are you?

I know, kitten. Why would they do that, Daddy?

I mean, it wasn't a man's job anyway. Red.

I'm his mother. Good enough, then.

I'm miserable. This party sucks. You know what'll make you feel better?

I'm throwing the game? Donna!

I've got winners. No, I've got to go.

Maybe she wants to be alone. Yeah, just me, alone.

Must reach clump of dirt. Not while I still breathe.

My goodness, what a super shot. Donna, what are you doing?

Okay. Sounds good.

Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

Really? Yeah.

See you. Bye.

So what do you say to that? Everybody quits their first job, Eric.

So, how's it going? It's great.

So, how's it going? It's terrible.

So, I got a job. Yeah?

Solid as a rock. It sure is. Thank you.

Stand up straight. Straight up and hold the fish.

Sure we would. Go ahead, Michael. By all means. Please.

That light? Yeah.

That's my dad. Right.

What about Barbara Vansen? She's just as annoying as Jackie.

What are you doing here? I was bored.

What are you doing? Reaching for a clump of dirt.

What? Certain things change.

What? Nothing.

What? Yeah. Sounds fun. Cool. Catch you guys later.

Whatever happened to her? She's dating my uncle.

Where do you see yourself in five years? Fatso Burger.

Yeah, but her boobs are huge. So?

Yeah, he's fixing the dryer. Dear.

Yeah, they are. You're dreaming. It's like comparing...

You know, in my country... It's illegal here.

You know, why am I even talking to you? I'm all you got.

You want to play? I don't know.

You're so queer. Shut up.

'Cause that way, with the light on, I couldn't... fall.

"But wait a second. Where's Doofus?"

"Dear penthouse."

"Hey, there, Doofus.

"I was in such a hurry to get back to work I almost forgot!"

"Let me help, guys," says Diligent.

"No way, Diligent. That's for squares."

"No, describe it to me."

"Yes, I do."

"You're supposed to wash your hands after using the facility."