Last Christmas Edit

A shitting bird just shat in my eye.

A whole different Tom.

A... a song? (chuckles)

Able to leap sofas in a single bound...

About depending on anyone?

About two sisters who used to get on really well,

Absolutely.

Accommodation issues.

Accommodation, firstly, 'cause I've sort of run out of options

Actually, I don't.

Actually, Tom who?

Actually, who are you?

After all the trauma and... Look, I'm just worried...

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Alba is... Alba is Marta's flatmate.

Alba?

All it means is that

All of ya!

All of your stresses will just melt away.

All right, every time she contacts you

All right, Mr. Muscle, you can get to refreshing that tree.

All right, saying sorry doesn't change everything.

All right, we've got lots to get through.

All right? Just... just go back to work.

All set for your date?

All the joys and the love of Christmas

ALL: ♪ Last Christmas, I gave you my heart ♪

ALL: ♪ To novo leto faljeno ♪

Also to avoid my mother,

Also, nobody's clapping. (continues indistinctly)

Am I invited?

Amy Winehouse and all the rest at the age of 27.

And a Fox's Glacier Mint.

And a Strepsil.

And at the health food shop, I was Miso.

And contact me, all right? 'Cause...

And gets no response, she contacts me.

And had a transplant, but...

And have you had sex with, uh, Tom yet?

And he basically said

And I could sing before.

And I do appreciate you stopping by.

And I felt so lucky to have you.

And I got chucked out of my digs this morning,

And I I just... I just... I've got lots of issues, all right?

And I just rescued an orphan from a burning car.

And I... and I don't know what they put back,

And I'm expected to swallow it just because she's been ill.

And I'm finally getting better

And it makes me feel really bad about myself.

And lashings of hot water if you fancy a shower.

And like I'd lost my most special part.

And mad Marta?

And my legendary patience will crumble.

And not feeling bad about myself.

And only two biscuits each, mind.

And people believe.

And preggers, so we ain't drinking, either, party girl.

And she was happy about that?

And she's just never been the same since.

And she's just never been the same since.

And that baby has a full set of teeth.

And that isn't even the nastiest thing we sell.

And that's okay.

And that's one of its selling points.

And the production is... on ice!

And then don't

And then give it to someone who is going to break it.

And then I was special when I nearly died

And they kept telling me I was lucky to be alive.

And they live here in London?

And underappreciated in our time.

And watch this one,

And what you know?

And where's this man of yours?

And you have job you dream of.

And you having bumped into me by chance, here we are.

And you not ringing her is seriously affecting my life.

And you not ringing her is seriously affecting my life.

And you, Mrs. Andrich... you need to worry less.

And you, uh, came into town for it?

And you'll realize you sound like Jason Statham.

And you're fantasizing, elf,

And your mother says the opposite. Who do I believe?

And your suite, madame.

And, uh, who... who's this?

And, you know, if men had to do this shit,

ANDY (muffled): Madam. Hello.

Anyone up for a, you know, pizza?

Anyway, boring, boring, boring, la, la, la, la.

Anyway, I'm homeless again.

Anyway, when I got better, it all went away,

Are the doctors keeping in touch?

Are you all right?

Are you all right?

Are you M Mrs. Challis?

Are you really gonna call him Boy?

Are you seriously doing a James Bond impression?

Are you there?

Are you writing that down?

Arse, head and hole!

ARTHUR and ARMY TOM: ♪ Donald, where's your troosers? ♪

Arthur, you you do know that you don't have to audition.

ARTHUR: Just the two, then?

As okay as I'll ever be on the bus.

Because all you seem to think about these days is sex.

Because because she...

Because he thinks I depend on him too much,

Because he'd rather be dead. (chuckles)

Because I wasn't looking where I was going

Because I'm a part of you.

Because I've just been really stupid.

Because I've really messed up for a number of reasons.

Because one of them has a problem with ice.

Because she appears never to work.

Because you're ashamed of who you are.

Because you're weird, this is weird, and I don't know you.

Because, um, there's also someone here, a gentleman,

Before you throw me in the bin with the rest

Being special thing is overrated.

Blimey.

Boom. Thank you.

BOTH: ♪ Be good to yourself ♪

BOTH: ♪ Do something for me ♪

Bottle of Rioja?

BOY: ♪ I'm dreaming ♪

Break in, I'm afraid.

Bugger.

But all that's gonna change,

But Dan said no speeches were allowed.

But I am because...

But I didn't feel alive.

But I don't feel lucky anymore.

But I don't think you'll get weird.

But I guess maybe we're all a bit damaged in this family.

But I was unconscious.

But it felt weird and different and strange and...

But one more thing, and you're out.

But right now I'm considering a little stroll with you.

But there is plenty of storage space.

But would you like a biscuit?

But you, Kate, you've got to take care of your heart.

Can he not practice here?

Can I get one of them?

Can I help you?

Can I help?

Can you please give me something for sleeping?

Can...

CASTING DIRECTOR: "Maybe plus."

CASTING DIRECTOR: Thank you. We'll be in touch.

Cat is animal.

Cat, dog.

Cheers.

CHILDREN'S CHOIR: ♪ Last Christmas... ♪

Christ, if I'm going home, I'm gonna need a drink.

Christ, why don't you just get

Christ.

Christ.

Christmas.

CHURCHILL: Just gonna write this out for you.

Come here.

Come on in.

Come on, then! Tea's up!

Could you just tell her that I'm very sorry?

Cover me.

CROWD: ♪ Merry Christmas! ♪

CROWLEY: Oh, they've had a right go in here, haven't they?

CROWLEY: Well, that's a good thing,

Dan, I can't take your attitude.

Dan, she doesn't have to help, you know.

Dan, what do you reckon?

Deciding on one Photoshopped image

Dick is penis. Penis is dick. That's the same word.

Did I miss something?

Did you follow me here?

Did you just giggle like a girl?

Did you shag him?

DIRECTOR: I would put him in "maybe plus."

DIRECTOR: Thank goodness for a heavy woolen tight.

DIRECTOR: Well, you know what? Let her go.

Dissimilar?

Ditch that.

Ditto.

Do you know we had a woman turn up in a crop top?

Do you know we have people turn up here,

Do you remember her flip flops?

Do you want to hear about my sister?

Does a lot of damage.

Does anything official arrive that tells you?

Don't bring that up. She burned her eyebrows off.

Don't deny it.

Don't even know where that's been.

Don't I know it, Dora.

Don't pick up anyone dodgy.

Don't tell me even your mother kicked you out.

Don't worry, elf.

DORA: Come in here!

Down a dark alley again with a complete stranger.

DR. ADDIS: So, uh, tell me about the diet.

Drama. God, she loved it.

Eat. You look like skeleton.

Ed just seemed to get that.

Eh.

Elf and safety?

Embarrassment... and that's just my mum.

Enjoy time with your friends.

Even possibly a few nights.

Everyone keeps everyone's secrets around here.

Excellent.

Except he's a minicab driver,

Excuse my language. It's typical, that is.

Fair point.

For crying out loud, how's that?

For my famous breakfast power juice.

For sleep, anxiety, panic attacks, the lot.

Former Yugoslavia. We had to escape.

Freehold this one, not for rental. Yeah.

From my grandmother,

From Snapchat to Instagram.

Fun, free, illegal, romantic.

GEORGE MICHAEL: ♪ I gotta have faith ♪

GEORGE MICHAEL: ♪ Time to pick my heart up off the floor... ♪

GEORGE MICHAEL: ♪ Well, I guess it would be nice ♪

Get some rest, Katarina. You look done in.

Get to work, elf.

Get to work.

Getting pooed on by a bird.

Give me one good reason.

Give us a song, Kate!

Go nicely with your tea.

Go on, then.

Go to sleep.

God, I've missed you.

God, who are you?!

Going home always makes me crazy.

Good eve... (gasps)

Good evening.

Good Lord.

Good luck.

Good luck.

Good.

Goodbye, Mum.

Gosh, you're so tiresome, Katarina.

Got access to some really freaky outlets.

Got you. I knew you liked him.

Great.

Great.

Guess what it was in the bakery on the Edgware Road.

Guess who got back from the conference a day early.

Ha! Funny, no. I installed everything on her phone

Hang on.

Happy? A good morning.

Happy. Happy.

Has anyone ever told you there's something

Have you come back for the gibbon?

Have you got a bourbon, Danny boy?

Have you had a couple drinks?

Have you had sex yet?

Have yourself a merry Christmas, yeah?

He hasn't got a phone.

He looks like he's having a lot of fun.

He seems to be disappearing a lot.

He was her uncle who died. You remember?

He was... he was very good.

He'll turn up.

He's also a vegan, so very conflicted.

He's an expert on sauerkraut.

He's disappeared again.

He's gonna think he's wandered

He's gorgeous, but this one...

Hear, hear.

Hell. Mum sung me to sleep.

Hello, Boy.

Hello, hello, hello.

Hello.

Her eyebrows will grow back. You know what won't grow back?

Her usual, curt, Asian self.

Here we are.

Here we are.

Here. Uh, I think it just pooed in your eye.

Here's something to start your day.

Hey, Ruf.

Hey, there's a latte for you on the shelf.

Hey, you're early.

Hey.

Hey.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Excuse me. I'm just looking for someone.

Hi. Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything.

Hi. Yeah, I need a cab.

Hmm, all right.

Hmm? Talk to other people.

Hmm? What's wrong with...

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm. So the usual. What did you do this time?

Home.

How about you leave it and you go home alarmingly sober?

How did I even get here?

How do you know?

How was it?

How you gonna get home?

How's Boy?

How've you been?

Huh.

Huh. So, you can skate as well as sing?

Huh. What have we got here?

I also love it.

I am a girl.

I am an adult.

I am being nice to Alba, your girlfriend.

I am. How do you spell "ordinary"?

I bet she's really happy about that.

I blame the Poles.

I called myself Kitty.

I came in to check on your eye.

I can disappoint her in more ways than ever.

I can't believe I'm even giving you another chance,

I can't do anything.

I can't do this anymore.

I can't pronounce it.

I can't. I'll crease something or just spontaneously wee.

I choose not to go back to my parents' house.

I could drop quite easily. I just...

I could... make some tea.

I didn't ask to be, but...

I do like a challenge, though.

I don't depend on you.

I don't even... I mean, seriously,

I don't have a phone.

I don't have enough tinsel to cover your corpse.

I don't know anything about him.

I don't know.

I don't sleep.

I don't tell people, 'cause they get weird,

I got to go.

I had a heart transplant.

I had to smash my own window

I have had my fill

I have nicknamed her "Lazy the Elf"

I haven't heard from him in days.

I haven't heard you make one of those in a very long time.

I heard him have a very loud phone conversation

I heard him have a very loud phone conversation

I honestly think she preferred it when I was ill.

I I just want to say this one thing.

I just can't seem to... at the moment.

I just don't want you to drop dead in front of the customers.

I just felt half dead.

I just really need a bed for the night.

I just told you everything there is to know about me.

I just want to say a massive thank you

I just... I needed a bed for the night, and he...

I knew.

I know how it start.

I know I not so important to do that.

I know it seems like she's...

I know you know all this, and I know you're fed up

I know. Oh! My phone. Sorry. Sorry.

I like hidden places.

I like this man.

I like to wait until she's asleep.

I like, yeah.

I look for you everywhere, and you're never there.

I look for you.

I mean, I got a lot of attention,

I mean, it's a bit of a stretch, but...

I mean, shouldn't you be eating quinoa or kale or something?

I mean, who buys this stuff?

I mean, you should try it.

I mean, you've been having a tough time

I mean, your mother... when was the last time

I meant I haven't got a place to stay that I've chosen.

I might just give it a break.

I need a word.

I need some gingerroot, fresh beets

I need time to myself.

I need to get back, so come get out here.

I not sleeping.

I promise.

I really don't.

I really enjoyed our walk today.

I said, "Don't talk to me."

I sound like a cat with a fur ball.

I think just to be a human being is hard.

I think she'd be good for the horse. Don't you think?

I think she's dead, she's had lapse,

I think so, too.

I think so.

I think the whole special...

I think you should just sleep for a bit.

I thought you had a job.

I thought you might have decided to move on.

I understand. Uh...

I want to talk to her.

I was just incredibly bad at what I do

I was on the list. No, my name's Kate Andrich.

I was supposed to be special.

I will go out and get shit faced later.

I will nail you to my dick.

I wish Mum and Dad knew you were happy.

I won't be too late. I promise.

I won't.

I work with the severely distressed.

I would, uh... I'd call that a successful date.

I... Who knows? She might be the next Streisand.

I'd like to think that I played a part in your rise to stardom.

I'll come back for it.

I'll come find you at the shop.

I'll figure it out, you know.

I'll have to find out one day.

I'm a mess.

I'm a part time cycle courier

I'm a terrible singer, really.

I'm asking you to do a single thing, Katarina.

I'm at work. You could've called me.

I'm busy. You're weird. Goodbye.

I'm going in there.

I'm gonna dash down the street.

I'm gonna... sit on the floor.

I'm good. (mutters)

I'm having a self pity party.

I'm I'm trying my best here.

I'm just gonna leave that...

I'm just not in the mood for a walk.

I'm Kate.

I'm loving the work. Wrong vibe, though, yeah?

I'm making an effort.

I'm not a career elf.

I'm not bored.

I'm not fed up with feminism.

I'm not gonna heal my heart

I'm not ill anymore, all right?

I'm not made of bloody biscuits.

I'm not sure how I feel about

I'm not sure it's that good for me.

I'm over the galleon, but one more thing,

I'm sorry to leave this message.

I'm sorry, Mr. Baldrick...

I'm sorry, Santa.

I'm sure it is. Uh, what about sleep?

I'm the... plumber.

I'm Tom.

I'm Tom.

I'm trying to cut a passion fruit with a fish knife.

I'm very good at tidying up.

I'm... and I'm I'm sorry...

I've been really, really stupid.

I've never eaten so much fermented cabbage.

I've never seen that before.

I've walked down this street so many times.

Idiot. Follow me.

If anyone can do it, you can.

If I could buy you a drink.

If I sing a lullaby...

If that thought's comfortable

If Tom Webster does come in, could you just tell him

In front of people who could've given me a job.

In here.

In little ways and in big ways.

Inconceivable.

Indeed.

Instead of working.

Interesting... and weird.

Into the llama enclosure. Close.

Is all part of my grand plan

Is he a magician?

Is that a crocodile with pompoms?

Is that really a good nutritional choice?

Is that where you get your singing from?

Is there anything that I could improve upon

Is this okay?

Is try to interfere and control my life.

Is, in fact, what makes us happy.

It doesn't matter.

It is a fermented mini cabbage hedge.

It is amusing.

It just means that you're built of everything you do.

It means, "I will nail you to my dick."

It was always going to be yours one way or another.

It was last Christmas, by all accounts.

It was my grandmother's.

It'll be cool.

It'll be fine. Something will turn up.

It's "Kate."

It's "Kate."

It's "Kate." It's "Kate."

It's a bit annoying, if I'm honest.

It's a pain in the fundament.

It's a stupid word.

It's all that probate stuff that stops us

It's almost like we're having a relationship.

It's beautiful.

It's brilliant. It's lovely, isn't it?

It's coming along nicely.

It's fine.

It's incredible how unfunny it is.

It's it's been empty for months.

It's just a nine month long trauma

It's Kate. Uh, wh where can I plug in my music?

It's like an unspoken rule.

It's like you don't care about anything.

It's Mr. Claus, I believe.

It's night. Cool. Okay.

It's none of their business.

It's not funny, Klaus.

It's pretty sad.

It's quite unusual to see a bird like that in town.

It's your fault.

IVAN (laughing): Oh, come on, Petra.

IVAN: Through the tunnel.

JENNA: It is a total conspiracy, is what it is.

JENNA: Reentry and all that. How's Santa?

JENNA: You called, uh, just before we got the crib up,

Jump in there.

Just can't help it, can you?

Just have a chat, and then go back to work.

Just in case you thought I was too perfect.

Just leave her alone.

Just my luck, I face plant into a pile of rubbish

Just ring your mother.

Just taking a little look, huh?

Just the doctors, the nurses, the hospital staff.

Just to give myself a bit of space.

Just uncertain.

Just...

Katarina, or Kate, or whatever your name is now,

Katarina.

Kate, that was lovely. Thank you.

Kate, there's something I've got to tell you.

KATE: ♪ I wrapped it up and sent it ♪

KATE: ♪ You tell me you're cold on the inside ♪

KATE: Ah, yeah. Mm.

KATE: Do you know, actually, it's...

KATE: Do you think she was giving them tips?

KATE: Hi, Mum.

KATE: I had no idea this existed.

KATE: I'm coming. I'm com...

KATE: I'm gonna show you to

KATE: Idiot.

KATE: Mm hmm.

KATE: Mm.

KATE: Mm.

KATE: Mm...

KATE: No. Thank you, but no.

KATE: Oh, piss off.

KATE: Okay.

KATE: This is cool.

KATE: Uh, wow.

KATE: Well, he probably thought no one could hear him.

KATE: Yeah, and that's how it's always gonna be.

KATE: Yeah?

KATE: Yes. Thank you, Daniel.

Kate.

KGB! Open up!

KGB. (clicks tongue)

Kind of.

Know what "nabijem te na kurac" means?

Leave me alone.

Let me get my phone out. I'll record you,

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go. I've got a surprise for you.

Let's just... Yeah, you're weird.

Let's pretend Mary had twins, and you can get both.

Like a bloody normal person.

Like a late blossoming or something.

Like a squid but with bones and less legs.

Like an envelope and something that's like, "Dear so and so,

Like her father who is never here.

Like I exist.

Like I say. Follow me.

Like, you're hungry, you're not hungry.

Listen, I've seen more of these little middle class do gooders

Listen, you said it yourself.

Literally in the cupboard. No wonder it died.

Little helpers.

Look deep into my eyes.

Look up.

Look up.

Look up.

Look what it done to him. He look thousand years old.

Look, did you find me on Swiper?

Look, look.

Look, to be honest, you're not really my type.

Look, you took my bag!

Look.

Lots of glottal stops.

Lovely, it is.

Make you want to string yourself up.

Makes or unmakes character."

MALE RADIO ANNOUNCER: Wakey, wakey, London.

Mamice.

Mamice.

MAN: ...at the same time.

MAN: Can my nuts fit inside there?

MAN: Oi, Danny! Give us a hand?

MAN: There's bigger nuts?

MAN: What?

MAN: Which kind of music is this?

MARTA (sighing): Oh, God.

Marta is so...

Marta.

Maybe he was squatting.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe this is more you than anything.

Maybe you should do something nice for Santa.

Me not being able to find you is what's up.

Merry Christmas to you. Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Missing and kissing.

Missing you.

Mm, pity. It's a lovely place.

Mm, pity. It's a lovely place.

Mm, you're kidding.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm. (grunts)

Mm. Celiac.

Mm. Must have been hard.

Mm. Thanks, Dad.

Mm. Well, at least your name's easier to pronounce.

More center stage.

More important is: how do I look?

More like a bit of support.

Morning, gorgeous.

Morning. Hello.

Mother to be image you see in the ads?

Mothers are hell.

Mrs. Andrich, you've been given everything there is

Mum is a piece of work.

Mum needs you to ring her.

Mum, for making the most ginormous krempita.

Mum, would you let me in?

Mum! Can I please just go to sleep?

Mum?

Mum? Would... Mum!

Murder?

Murder?

Mwah.

My life is hell, Katarina.

My matchstick galleon.

My mate Hendo, he calls it "Fat Man's Squeeze."

My mother, ladies and gentlemen.

Nabijem te na kurac.

Nailed it shut. Mental.

Ne, ne, ne, ne. Stop.

Never been on an ice rink before?

Never mind.

Never tried it. I'm gonna wing it.

NEWSWOMAN: They called today the Brexit Betrayal Rally.

Nice covering.

Nice cup of tea. Okay.

Nice landing.

Nice of you to volunteer.

No call, no Twitter,

No chance. Tom who?

No matter what I might have actually wanted to do.

No Snap... chat shot.

No, but can I press you to a custard cream?

No, but she was happy about the attention.

No, he couldn't afford to retrain,

No, I agree. One, and she's out.

No, I didn't think you were.

No, I made a delivery here.

No, I mean, she's not listening.

No, I volunteer in here.

No, I, uh, moved out on my flatmate today.

No, I'm good. Thanks.

No, I'm just saying, she's causing an obstruction.

No, I'm just... doing something for someone.

No, I've just come back from helping the needy.

No, it's funny. I'm all right about it, actually.

No, it's never gonna happen.

No, Kate...

No, mate. You had the full English last night.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no. (grunts)

No, no. Sorry.

No, she is still ill... why is she still

No, that one is down 30 thou.

No, that was you playing it four times in a row.

No, that's that's an hour of pure heart and soul.

No, that's that's an hour of pure heart and soul.

No, you can't do that. No, no, no, no, no.

No?

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. Come to think of it, no one's ever

No. I'm just not hungry.

No. No one lives here.

No. No, divorce is for the rich.

Not completely true. I do have a phone.

Not exactly.

Not for me.

Not in your wildest dreams.

Not knowing, you know, being inconsistent?

Not really. I'm 26.

Not to hear nothing.

Nothing feels right.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

Nothing.

Nothing. Katarina.

Now I am intrigued.

Now I must learn to love sauerkraut.

Now I sing an old song from Croatia,

Now I've got to go to work.

Now is not the time for unpleasantness.

Now is the time... for romance!

Now she's wasting her life, which only a miracle save her.

Now what?

Now you are here, we have krem torta.

Now, I'd like to thank everyone individually,

Now, some of the girls, they used to come, take a seat,

Now, which baby is it going to be?

Now, you listen to me and you listen good.

Of all the things in my life,

Of course not, idiot.

Of course not.

Of utterly hilarious elf jokes for one night.

Of your battered conquests, it's...

Oh, all right now, PC Trenchant Old Baggage.

Oh, bugger off with your cleanly manliness.

Oh, bugger off, person who has never met my parents.

Oh, but I just like stress.

Oh, Christ.

Oh, dear God, not like my mum.

Oh, for God's sake, shut up, will you?

Oh, God, don't you start.

Oh, God, you're a piece of work.

Oh, God.

Oh, he's just... I don't know.

Oh, I'm ashamed of who I am?

Oh, it's a... oh, it's a techno manger.

Oh, jebote, Marta. I'm sorry.

Oh, LOL. You know what?

Oh, my God, you did like him. (gasps)

Oh, no, no, no. These are just my work clothes.