The Good Place - Season 2 Edit

A 14 ounce ostrich steak

A bad grab.

A bit of good advice.

A bunch of bad stuff. And then we take that stuff

A bunch of shopping carts came right at me,

A classic Saint Crispin's Day garden party frock.

A Dr. Oz diet book because you're all such suckers.

A family pack?

A farewell party here tonight?

A fart in the shape of a man.

A feeling of fulfillment in your soul.

A few aspects of my day have been... sub optimal.

A few years ago, except in that instance,

A host never runs off during their last song,

A human turtleneck, a narcissistic monster,

A lawsuit, a loose caboose, and an overdrawn bank account.

A Little Bit Chowder Now has the lazy river of chowder.

A little bit on the high side, but no biggie.

A little busy here, bud.

A little easier for me.

A little short on time here, Janet.

A lot of guys your age said that to me

A lot of sense right now.

A lot of those details I just took directly from

A lot of us like the first version best

A magical, all powerful being.

A millennial.

A million bottles of your finest booze, please!

A mysterious past, or... a limp!

A narcissistic attention seeker.

A neglected a child.

A new angle I should consider in this case?

A new dance crew called Hashtag DougLife

A new development that really chapped my nips

A note, and stuck it in that Jackie lady's mouth.

A push...

A real adventure together.

A ridiculous giraffe, an absurd British aristocrat,

A self obsessed socialite,

A selfish ass, an idiot DJ,

A slight technical issue.

A soul...

A stress ball with a dumb corporate logo.

A stress ball with a dumb corporate logo.

A swamp dweller who once asked me

A tortured academic, a hot, rich fraud.

A tremendous amount of insane information

A type of soup, maybe?

A very dumb name.

A woman who... as you know... was offered the spot

A'ight. Second thing:

About 20% of what's happening.

About 30 seconds to talk

About any real thing?

About how we're together.

About human emotion.

About my character too. Like...

About my new character.

About previous versions of myself.

About questioning things that you take for granted,

About shoving my feelings down deep.

About something.

About the life I lived?

About the little voice that tells you to be good?

About the reboots, if he'll go easy on us,

About the whole Derek incident.

About things I'm afraid of

About this new Vicky torture...

About trying to become better people,

About turning me into a marble forever?

About two ex convicts who try to rob and murder

About us being together?

About what they were like on Earth.

About who's really responsible for this neighborhood.

About your romantic baggage,

Absolutely not. A therapist is a trained medical professional

Accomplish what I need to accomplish.

Accomplished women... and Pedro, you're great too.

According to the sash.

According to the system, either Pedro or Chidi

Actual unicorns you can ride.

Actually belongs down there with them,

Actually loses and the other two get in for real.

Actually, I can think of one

Actually, I'm the best...

Actually, it is kind of clever how they punish philosophers.

Actually, it might help me

Actually, Michael, I'd like to sing a few words.

Actually, right now, you kind of are.

Actually, we're chatting about something right now.

Adios, Janito!

After everything that's happened,

After he directed "Argo,"

After sad? Is that... no.

After the very first time you were rebooted,

After they died.

Again, just a simulation...

Again?

Agreeing to help me.

Ah, no.

Ah, screw it.

Ah, see, now you're talking about moral desert.

Ah, thank you for your help.

Ah!

Ah! Don't hurt me. My bones are brittle.

Ah! Eleanor and Chidi.

Ah... Well,

Ahh, farts.

Ahh!

Al you minnium.

All aboard!

All along?

All caught up on who lied to who

All humans are aware of death.

All I cared about?

All I see is a burrito.

All I've ever really wanted was to know

All laid out in excruciating detail.

All of my heroes are...

All of my philosophy heroes walking around,

All right, all right.

All right, Eleanor.

All right, fun stuff.

All right, go ahead, Vicky.

All right, great

All right, here comes the boom!

All right, how about this? You help me

All right, idiot, any last words?

All right, off to eternal damnation.

All right, okay, calm down. Calm down.

All right, shall we?

All right, Tahani, you just need to walk

All right, this is from a book called

All right, what happened in the first one, so I'm all caught up?

All right, what happened in the first one, so I'm all caught up?

All right.

All right. Fine, fine.

All right. See you later.

All right. We're all in

All right. Whatever.

All the coffee is from those little pods.

All the kinks have been worked out.

All the restaurants were kabob places.

All the time.

All this time indoors has degraded my skin

All those ethics lessons paid off.

All together?

All you had to do was to keep quiet,

All you have to do is go through there,

All you'll have for entertainment

Almost got it.

Already came up with a sick idea

Already? I mean, that's so fast.

Also classic Shellstrop moves, by the way...

Also, apparently, sashes are out this season.

Also, Chidi just laid one on me, so I'm kinda dizzy.

Also, I really don't think that's true

Also, it doesn't matter if I told you that or not,

Also, love isn't a triangle.

Also, Quinston over here

Also, we like each other,

Although, if I stand next to a powerful array of magnets,

Although, if I'm being honest,

Always ranting about Derek Bortles.

Am I a bartender?

Am I really that shallow?

Am I? I am.

An all knowing judge, to just shut up and go away.

An almost impossibly lifelike simulation

An encyclopedic knowledge of traditional

Anagonye, and yes.

And "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"

And "Jersey Shore" and...

And "So how many quarterbacks are in a home run?"

And a guy in a dark club who I mistook

And a rainbow.

And a safe destination.

And after I pull this off,

And all I have to show for it is this crummy apartment,

And all of these reports of their torture

And all spiraling about human stuff.

And all that crap,

And all try to build a better Tahani.

And also say things like, "You're so funny,"

And although five people will die,

And although that fills me with anger and confusion...

And an offense and some rule changes.

And any second now, Shawn is gonna realize

And apparently, I failed.

And as long as I work here...

And as such, I was just hoping that you could

And as you were slowly regaining your knowledge,

And at any moment that denial could collapse,

And at the end of that bridge

And at the end of that long day,

And avant garde Belgian floral design?

And B...

And Band Aids for your stupid, fragile bodies.

And Band Aids for your stupid, fragile bodies.

And based on my surveillance,

And batted around a stadium like beach balls.

And blindly assume he's still on our side

And brought them to Daytona Beach.

And burned on the surface of a billion suns.

And by the way, you're not my friends, man.

And can I have that medallion back

And can you throw these plants in the trash?

And Chidi and I can forget...

And Chidi doesn't love you back.

And Chidi explaining why I was wrong,

And Chidi, your soul mate is Pevita.

And clam chowder is disgusting.

And different from your someone said

And different that would improve the way we make

And different, and in the original version,

And dolphins to ride

And earn their admiration.

And episodes of "Pretty Little Liars."

And even I know that.

And even though I wasn't the "number one point getter,"

And every molecule of my body

And everybody's been there.

And everything that's happening right now.

And everything will go back to normal.

And fail spectacularly!

And finally, Chidi.

And focus on myself.

And from now on, I'm gonna try

And gaining praise and acclaim?

And genitals.

And give you back your sash.

And got turnt up with us afterward

And grabbing their butt from the inside?

And happy for once?

And has flipped on us like a ten stone griddle chip.

And have sex about your feelings.

And he completely understood.

And he just kind of sighed and walked away.

And he said no.

And he says he's very excited

And he seems very excited about it.

And he told me I was gonna have a new best friend,

And he was constantly torturing us

And he'll be a mess.

And he'll realize that someone on the inside was helping you.

And he's a dirtbag from Florida.

And he's been evil since...

And head to Mindy's. Agreed?

And her soul shall be weighed.

And how do I know that this version

And how do I put this delicately?

And how does that make you feel?

And how many times did we say... that stuff?

And humiliating.

And I admire your honesty.

And I ate vegetables for the first time,

And I bet the Judge will feel the same way.

And I can help you explain that to them.

And I can't believe I'm about to say this but..

And I can't believe I'm saying this,

And I certainly didn't say anything.

And I cheat a little bit.

And I don't know, I just don't feel like

And I don't think anything's gonna feel like the Good Place

And I don't want anyone to know.

And I got diarrhea for, like, a week.

And I got you something that will make you happy.

And I had an appointment that day,

And I have no doubt that you

And I have now been fully activated.

And I have the biggest piece!

And I hereby stop avoiding this topic

And I hope that library is air conditioned,

And I I just don't think that you're doing that.

And I immediately fell right back into my old pattern,

And I just don't want to explain them right now.

And I just wanna say

And I just...

And I kind of hate it.

And I know why: almond milk.

And I know you don't feel the same way.

And I lashed out.

And I love your passion.

And I mean just forget about best.

And I need to skip ahead here.

And I never have!

And I once saw a waiter bring Russell Crowe the wrong tea.

And I only know some of them, like "rat" and "Jason,"

And I promise to always be nice to you.

And I read books that weren't even written

And I really need your help because I feel..

And I reserve the right to change my mind

And I should be able to avoid glitches

And I still believe

And I still kind of suck at it.

And I still like you a lot.

And I suggested, "hey, find a rebound guy,"

And I think I might be a monster.

And I think I should too!

And I think I'm losing my mind, so please help me.

And I think, somehow,

And I wanna read it so bad!

And I want you to move out of my apartment forever

And I wanted to get some for her.

And I was just frozen.

And I was so hungry, too.

And I was the top salesperson

And I will be... be retired.

And I wish you both the best.

And I... I believe in you.

And I'll be waiting for the bass drop,

And I'll take it.

And I'm afraid you're going to

And I'm all alone.

And I'm going to try to forget this ever happened.

And I'm in the middle of a lawsuit,

And I'm not a silent monk.

And I'm not not interested,

And I'm pretty sure this is just a piece of garbage.

And I'm really fat right now.

And I'm really sorry

And I'm stress grinding my teeth,

And I'm talking to Janet about our relationship.

And I'm your only option?

And I'm your only option.

And I've got my own problems to deal with.

And I've honestly had a wonderful time

And ice water.

And if anyone else says a single word

And if even one of you fails, you're all effed, right?

And if I deem you fit to be in the Good Place,

And if I start thinking, I'll start thinking about things

And if I tell you, I feel like it might harm you.

And if it did there would be

And if that doesn't work, we try to get Janet free

And if that happens, we're all going down.

And if that happens, we're all going down.

And if you do not do what I tell you immediately,

And if you try and ignore your sadness,

And immediately challenged us to a dance off.

And in the case that we are eternally doomed,

And in the end, Anthony Anderson

And install us into their horrible human zoo?

And insult people.

And is utterly unaware of his own absurdity.

And it bites me in the ash.

And it feels like my soul is being suffocated.

And it is a question I will try to answer

And it is gooey in there.

And it just ruins everyone's night.

And it made me feel insecure,

And it was all stupid, so I highly doubt that.

And it was great. I mean, he was miserable.

And it will be way better.

And it works.

And it...

And it's clearly the best way to see if bad people

And it's confusing.

And it's creating a small glitch.

And it's either this or back to the Bad Place.

And it's getting worse.

And it's just not that big of a deal.

And it's the happiest I have ever been.

And Janet stays happy, I think we'll be safe.

And Jason, you're good old silent Jianyu the monk.

And Jerry O'Connell start a successful shampoo company

And literally the dumbest person I've ever met.

And love learning all about them.

And lunch with Michel Foucault,

And make some miseries!

And maybe even wag a finger at disapprovingly.

And maybe she'll get rid of Derek herself.

And me told me to find you. So... what's the deal?

And me, I assume, also. Forever

And Michael isn't on our side.

And might actually get a chance to go to the real Good Place.

And moreover, what's this say about me,

And mull it over and power through.

And my writing is impeccable.

And name our favorite cheese.

And not get tempted by her gossiping friends.

And now he's having an existential crisis.

And now he's just trying a new way to mess with us.

And now he's so much better.

And now I'm here.

And now I've done that, so let's begin

And now it's just so easy.

And now Janet's

And now that I know I can talk to my friends about it.

And now we're all wet, Daddy O.

And now we're going to do the most human thing of all:

And now you're all discombobulated.

And now you're just taking all the credit.

And now, all of us teaming up is our best option.

And now, Angélique gets to torture him?

And on the track ahead of you are five workmen

And our innate desire to treat them with dignity.

And over there we filled a ball pit with puppies.

And people selling T shirts with my face on them,

And plead our case to

And please don't, because I can also see what you ate today.

And presto!

And presto!

And pretend that Vicky and the others are torturing you.

And ran the numbers again, and...

And rank of nobility.

And rationalizing by saying the situation is complicated.

And real heartbreak doesn't have a simple cure.

And really, it's so silly to want a bigger house

And remember,

And replace you with some other Janet I don't even know.

And said he'd give me $600

And see, we thought we were in the Good Place,

And set out to the Good Place.

And set out to the Good Place.

And several, uh...

And she wants to start her version in 30 minutes.

And she would run off and cry

And she would run off and cry,

And she's all soft and smooth like a bunch of water balloons.

And she's never said I'm pretty once

And showers you with applause.

And silently scream for the rest of time.

And since it seems you love humans so much,

And since we're friends,

And since you're the only actual humans here,

And slashed all their tires.

And smart brained.

And sure, sure, that sounds nice.

And Tahani Al Jamil are getting married this evening.

And Tahani also planned a birthday party

And take us to Mindy St. Claire's house.

And taking all the fun out of it.

And talk to Winston Churchill and Freddie Mercury?

And tell her everything.

And telling them that he was once married to Janet

And telling them that secret might cause harm.

And that bitch Carol from work was really

And that he has no voice in this relationship.

And that is not an easy thing for me to say,

And that is, what do we do next?

And that just makes the grinding harder.

And that part is not so clever.

And that simple act of anticipating his needs

And that we were gonna live in a yogurt.

And that you're trying to sc**** it off.

And that's the greatest thing someone can do,

And that's what got us into this mess in the first place.

And that's why it's so nice to be here among you,

And that's your name, right?

And the Bad Place was Vanessa Redgrave's panic room

And the carts got, like, demolished

And the classes train people how to sell supplements.

And the game of "Hungry, Hungry Hippos"

And the Good Janet has escaped too.

And the guy paid me the $600.

And the only person I trust is me,

And the only way to get to the Judge's office

And the rules say I gotta..

And the second glitch?

And the second you betray us, I walk into

And the slightly longer answer is: I didn't know

And the system is never wrong.

And the thing is, you didn't file any paperwork,

And the third glitch... the earthquake?

And the three of you are in some sort

And their breath smells like supplements,

And their stupid elbows.

And theirs are so basic.

And then almost throw it away, and then think,

And then almost throw it away, and then think,

And then began to escalate,

And then Brittany and I were the ones

And then Chidi and I will keep an eye on Michael.

And then eating more frozen yogurt,

And then finding out I was married to Janet

And then have dinner with Kant again,

And then he just ran away.

And then I came here looking for help,

And then I did a bunch of stuff

And then I lied a billion more times

And then I never got a chance to use it.

And then I started talking,

And then I stopped.

And then I'm coming for you, shrimpies.

And then I'm taking over.

And then Janet getting rid of that boyfriend?

And then Janet making a boyfriend to forget me

And then matches him or her with another person.

And then more diarrhea.

And then somehow win our unwinnable case.

And then someone pushed me out of the way,

And then stand there and say "gurp, gurp, gurp"?

And then the other one... is me!

And then they smash them with hammers.

And then we can head over to your party... sound good?

And then we'll send back the magical balloon

And then went to the Even Worse Place, but you know what?

And then when she started doing good things,

And then you get into the whole idea of consciousness.

And then you looked at me annoyed,

And then you will be, you know, tortured forever

And then, of course, the Sorbonne.

And then, only later, once you've sobered up,

And then, we'll meet back in your office.

And there is no overhead storage,

And there's a bad place.

And there's a rumor that Daveed Diggs is coming back.

And therefore our actions have meaning.

And they can hold their little toothbrush hands

And they deserve a staycation in the Good Place,

And they want that person to get inside the obelisk,

And think about where they started.

And this Chidi is an imposter!

And this is crucial... you need to get Eleanor drunk

And this is how you repay me.

And this is our best chance.

And through the red door at the end.

And to be honest... I'm relieved.

And Tomás is lovely, but we haven't really...

And too old to eat off the kids' menu.

And two duffel bags full of cocaine."

And two slots for their kids?

And us choosing to go with them won't lessen their suffering.

And use Derek to drive the train,

And use his organs to do it.

And use it to build our chaos sequence

And very early in the process

And walked away, like everyone else does.

And walked away.

And we are much better because of you.

And we consider it to be a little racist.

And we don't need all this space.

And we had to crack it.

And we know literally everything.

And we made giant nightmare shrimp fly through the sky?

And we need to know we can count on you.

And we pull it off, we'll be heroes.

And we tell him that we'll trade secret information

And we were standing here the whole time?

And we would like to present you

And we're about to close it down

And we're both only children.

And we're your only option.

And what did I get for it?

And what happens exactly?

And what if he can't?

And what version of Chidi is even real?

And what we were doing,

And where am I?

And where's Michael?

And while you're there, I'll keep working

And who am I? Describe me now.

And who cares that it's only been a week?

And why you shouldn't eat everything that smells good

And without you, we stand zero chance of ever making it there.

And yet this you're sure about?

And yet, even in this scenario,

And yet, I envy you.

And yet, somehow, my very survival

And yet, when I'm with you, I can really let my hair down,

And you always end up going back.

And you are so irritating!

And you can join us on Team Cockroach.

And you can literally do anything.

And you couldn't resist confronting your parents.

And you deserve this.

And you don't keep a Ferrari in the garage.

And you don't need to respond 'cause I know

And you don't need to respond 'cause I know

And you don't need to respond because...

And you don't need to respond because...

And you had your first kiss,

And you have no advocate,

And you have to talk about it.

And you just walked in and stole her?

And you keep figuring it out

And you know what the worst part is?

And you know what, it wasn't really Michael's fault.

And you made it to the Good Place.

And you never do.

And you never have!

And you raised money that ultimately funded

And you see the kangaroo

And you showed great improvements,

And you spent a lot of time together.

And you will oversee the entire project

And you're already tuning out?

And you're back, so good luck.

And you're being tortured.

And you're cockroaches.

And you're designing a torture chamber

And you're gonna do 'em.

And you're literally sneaking out the back gate.

And you're one of her fans.

And you're searching for someplace to go

And you're there in a jiff.

And your cockamamy experiment

And, I don't know, wagons

And, like, four people died?

And, yeah, it sucks.

And...

And... and can you guys just be a tiny bit quieter?

And... and I can literally hear every sound in the universe.

Angélique is a hack.

Angélique, I think I'm supposed to...

Anger and confusion!

Another question about Kamilah.

Any last questions before we start up again?

Any minute now, those demons are gonna come looking for us.

Any minute now, those demons are gonna come looking for us.

Any of us could have ever asked for.

Any questions about it. I am so sick

Any second now someone is going to realize

Anybody else you got to teach me?

Anybody notice I was gone?

Anybody?

Anything that stood out?

Anything we want to forget.

Anytime anyone shows up in my chambers,

Anyway, I took a deep breath,

Anyway, it just you know bloomed after that.

Anyway, your petition is denied. I can't hear your case.

Anyway? My soul mate will be...

Anyways, Janet, can you help us?

Anywho.

Apologies,

Apology accepted.

Apparently, I am the number one points getter

Apparently, the Bad Place knows that one of you

Apparently, wherever you've been,

Are completely fake?

Are completely insane.

Are gonna try to join us in the Good Place?

Are the only ones televised in the Bad Place,

Are very happy, so it'll give me plenty of time

Are we missing anything?

Are you and me cool?

Are you Chidi Ana... kendrick?

Are you forking kidding me right now?

Are you gonna talk, or just walk around

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me? I'm the best at Madden.

Are you okay with leaving the fake Good Place behind?

Are you saying that because you're glitching out...

Are you sure this is what you want?

Are you torturing us again?

Are you worried you might start glitching again?

Aren't trains neat?

Around the absolutely certainty that

Around the party looking miserable.

Art... and history...

As "pounding it out."

As a doctor, I've taken the Hippocratic Oath to do no harm,

As a doctor, I've taken the Hippocratic Oath to do no harm,

As a leap into faith.

As a matter of fact,

As a result of our success,

As a way to torture the four of you... psychologically...

As colossal failures

As he goes on.

As I was about to tell you,

As it is about my own egocentric self image.

As long as I'm with you guys,

As long as they have more of this frozen yogurt.

As my mom always used to say,

As soon as Michael puts me back online,

As to say that you look good?

As we are soul mates, perhaps...

As we smush our five main guys.

As well as the kitchen and the bedroom.

As you know, she released her debut album

Asked him for help, and he said yes.

Asking for help with philosophy.

Assuming that's my selfishness.

At flamingos.

At last we meet.

At least there's an explanation

At some point, we should finish discussing

At the edge of the neighborhood.

At the end of the rainbow.

At the gun range in a Jacksonville bus station

At the party, which is basically

At the private campsite that I set up for you

At the same level of physical torture,

At the same time?

At the time that I was born.

At the welcome party, so she will say and do

At times, it felt like Kamilah's songs

At tonight's welcome party.

Attempt 108.

Attempt 109.

Attempt 32.

Attempt 57.

Attempt 57.

Attempt 99.

Attempt something futile with a ton of unearned confidence

Attention, everyone!

Attention, everyone.

Aw, don't be nervous. Here.

Aw, I'm happy for you guys

Aw, man.

Aw, nuts!

Awesome!

Aww, babe, you admitted it.

Babe, there you are. I've been worried...

Babe, we need to get some food into you.

Babe. Babe! Don't be jealous.

Baby,

Bad Janet,

Bad Janet?

Balloons!

Based on our time on Earth.

Based on your last 10,000 comments,

Basically like lying though?

Basically, Michael just smoked a big bowl of ennui,

Basically, Michael sent us a code,

Be human for, like, two seconds and listen to me.

Be nicer to yourself.

Be the Good Place. Why would...

Because after it's over, you're supposed to act surprised

Because all your students did.

Because all your students did.

Because all your students did.

Because at least I'm trying to do the right thing

Because Duke is both minimum acceptable university

Because everyone except Eleanor is an idiot.

Because he didn't let me stick my head out the moon roof.

Because he has some of Janet's powers.

Because he was addicted to Adderall.

Because he's currently sleeping with Tahani?

Because he's so annoying about ethics.

Because I booby trapped it.

Because I just learned everything about you,

Because I walk in on you while I'm masturbating.

Because I will be in Haiti

Because I'd framed his girlfriend

Because I'd never have it up in the first place.

Because it's been a very long day

Because it's only kind of working.

Because my ex boyfriend lived nearby,

Because my operating system is always updating.

Because no one likes Chidi,

Because no one talks about Chidi,

Because of a messed up system?

Because of how primitive your brains are,

Because of our bonds with other people

Because of reasons.

Because of reasons.