Garth Marenghi's Darkplace - Season 1 Edit

A 16 year old mother of three vomiting in a sewer, >

A blasphemy, a demented monkey man,

A dream catcher it's like a wind chime.

A lot of people say "Garth Marenghi? Doesn't he write that horror crap?"

A lot of people write to move, or to protest.

A pedant might see the wires,

A shatter of glass. A round of applause. >

A TV programme so radical, so risky, so dangerous, so goddamned crazy,

A whisk, a tin opener and a spatula.

Aaaa ha haaaagh!

Aaaa ha haaaagh!

Aaaaagh!

Aaaaagh!

Aaaargh!

Aaah haa haaaagh!

Aah!

Aargh!

Aargh!

Aargh!

Aargh!

Aargh!

Aargh!

Aargh!

Aargh! Aargh!

About how fat a lot of Scotch were.

Actually, sorry, Dag, they've just asked me to move you out

Actually, you owed me one, so we're quits.

After that, I'll do whatever it takes to hunt you down.

Agreed. So, what was it, Dag?

Ah!

Ah! I'm hit, I'm down. Yeah, got me in the leg.

All I do is sit at the typewriter and start hitting the keys

All I know is, er...

ALL LAUGH

All of us have untapped potential.

All our broccoli must've come from the sky, billions of years ago.

All right, calm down

All right, get up.

All right. I'll pay you, though.

ALL SCREAM

ALL SHOUT

ALL SIGH

All this started to happen when the temp arrived.

Alone, your lady treats you bad, leaves you hangin' on the phone

Along with interviews from me, my publisher Dean Learner and actor Todd Rivers.

Along with interviews from myself, my publisher Dean Learner

Although I also pen westerns and erotica to keep my oar in.

An eagle eyed viewer might see the wires.

And a selection of continental cheeses.

And apparently more objects are heading this way... Goodbye

And as I say, I'm gonna miss your balls.

And explained what was going to happen.

And extrasensory perceptive telepathic psychokinetic powers.

And extrasensory perceptive telepathic psychokinetic powers.

And for being, above all, a good friend. >

And hurry!

And I am so glad I stayed

And I can call you Skipper.

And I knew our lovin'

And I knew our lovin'...

And I said to Garth,

And I sincerely hope you are disturbed.

And I worked with Lulu, and four other people,

And I... lit a joss stick...

And I'm starting to get some pretty primal urges.

And if I'm lucky...

And if that's not being an innovator, I don't know what is

And it was a question of having them removed or having really long balls,

And it was Madeleine.

And just listen to the answerphone.

And let it loose on its unsuspecting public. That's you.

And not just because of his weight.

And one day we'll all meet in Valhalla.

And served it to me in a tissue.

And she said, "That's inelegant."

And she spoke to me, and she said

And she was right.

And shit themself at the same time.

And suddenly I heard a voice "Come here."

And take this.

And that's the last thing I need.

And the actor Todd Rivers, who hasn't done a decent gig since Boon.

And the inside of my head was its only ticket out

And then very quietly she went.

And then you add to that the supernatural element.

And then... Freddie went.

And there's a half price sale on weird.

And they're all cowards. OK?

And we tried to keep the slow motion away from the dialogue as much as possible.

And what if it and its rat brethren took over and ate Parliament?

And when I wrote, directed and starred in Darkplace,

And yet it is locked.

And you might need this.

And you people keep bothering me very rudely.

And, whilst I don't blame them,

Android?

Anything without dialogue was considered for slow motion.

Anything.

Anyway, I'm out of here.

Are you all right? >

Are you sure you're gonna be OK?

Aren't you an expert in the arcane and black arts?

Aren't you an expert in the arcane and black arts?

Argh argh argh!

Argh argh argh!

Argh argh argh!

Argh ugh

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh! Argh!

As a horror writer, I don't ask for much,

As a horror writer, there are certain words

As a writer, I make my own rules up.

As a writer, if you take away my paper, I would write on my heart.

As an artist, in bringing us this gift.

As crystal.

As long as it's not a screwdriver!

Asking if your humble fabulist could retrieve Darkplace from the boxes in his basement

Ate his hands and died right here.

Aye aye! Hey, this cat's got claws!

BABY CRIES

BABY CRIES

Back in the 1980s, I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi's Darkplace.

Back then, no one would touch this subject.

BAGPIPES ECHO

BAGPIPES PLAY

Bairns looking on, chewing on potato cakes. >

Balls to the wall, flat out horror.

Balls, knickers, scrote.

Bang goes my Hippocratic oath.

Be he human, be he inhuman,

Because another one comes along.

Because the day I hit 30 they winched right back up.

Because until then I'd been writing horror.

BEEPING

BEEPING

BEEPING

BEEPING

BEEPING STOPS

BELL RINGS

Besides, there are more important matters.

Between "Aah!" and "Ooh!" quite well.

Block all those with antiperspirant, you get a breath problem.

Bloody things.

Blow me if I know! God, I'm parched. I need water.

Boil Linda? Over my dead body, you bastard!

Bon appetit.

BOTH CRY OUT

BOTH EXHALE

Both of you.

Both Todd and I were wild then behaving like flipping Romans!

BRAKES SQUEAL

BREATHES HEAVILY

Broccoli from space. I wondered why it tasted odd.

Broccoli.

BUBBLING

BUBBLING

BUBBLING

BUBBLING

BUBBLING

Buns?

Burn what's left of the body.

But didn't realise it could get rawer with time.

But for years, I couldn't help fearing that one might eat the other.

But he's one fiery dragon.

But he's out helping some crippled children right now.

But I wept. I'm not ashamed of that.

But I'm old, tired, spent, busted,

But I've just seen the tape and it looks OK.

But if someone has to die it might as well be a techie...

But if you and he wish to be best buddies again, I won't stand in your way.

But if you're looking at wires,

But it's about the puppets, not the string.

But it's along the same lines but with a different animal.

But Joe Public is. You probably are.

But nothing. Women like you are the reason the chicken's late in the first place.

But slapping Dag's ass won't bring her back, Annie.

But some shit sticks no matter how hard you sc****. Hang back.

But still, it was ambitious to film a TV show in a garage.

But that thing's dangerous. Can't you see that?

But the initial price of a name battery is so much higher.

But the Lord moves in mysterious ways.

But they came up in a big red bruise,

But they cancelled it for a re run of Who's The Boss?

But they're just not ready.

But this is the whole nine yards. He's not getting near it.

But we're more worried about your downstairs area.

But who, why and for what reason?

But why would Dagless hide it?

But why you, Dag?

But with that power must come responsibility.

But you don't know that till the end.

But, then again, she was like a candle in the wind.

By the show.

By the time I got back, he'd gone insane.

Bye bye, buddy

Calm him down!

Can I take a rain check on that?

Can I take a rain check? My guts are playing up.

Can you start immediately?

Can't hold these plates off much longer, Liz!

Can't we discuss something more sanitary?

Careful with it it's my mother's.

Champagne on ice for bed 395 I want to surprise Linda.

CHANTING AND BAGPIPES

CHANTING AND BAGPIPES

Cheers, Gavin. I owe you a beer.

Cheers, Padre.

Cheers!

Cheers. I thought of it in the car.

CHEESY '80S SYNTHESISER MUSIC

CHEESY '80S SYNTHESISER MUSIC

CHEESY '80S SYNTHESISER MUSIC

CHEESY '80S SYNTHESISER MUSIC

CHEESY '80S SYNTHESISER MUSIC

CHEESY '80S SYNTHESISER MUSIC

CHEESY '80S SYNTHESISER MUSIC

CHOKES

CLOCK TICKS

Coleridge, Samuel T.

Colleagues have since visited during the day and have had a cracking time.

Come on, come to Padre. Embrace the infinite.

Come on, Dag, what say I buy us all a drink down The Drip.

Come on, I'll lend you money for a coffee.

Come on, let's get you back to beddie byes.

Come on, let's move it, people.

Come on, Liz.

Come on, Liz.

Come on, Liz. I'll help you apply some more make up.

Come on, there's nothing we can do for him.

Come on!

Come on. Let's get out of here. I'll buy you a drink down The Drip.

Cool it, or get a knuckle supper.

Cos mine are grey, or indeed white.

Cos the temperature's too high

Cos the temperature's too high

Could the gas have contained cosmic fungi and/or spores?

Could you ever love a monkey, Liz?

Could you run these ECG results past the boys in Radiology?

Count yourself lucky. Look at her.

Crack this, or Won Ton will be over me like knockers in a wind tunnel.

Crazy things. Things, Dag.

CROW CAWS

CROW CAWS

CROW CAWS

CRUNCH

CRUNCHING

Cry, cry, cry...

Dag, any thoughts?

Dag, this is hospital business now.

Dag?

Dag?

Dag... Hello?

Dagless, we need your loaf what's going on?

Dagless, you're a good doctor but you're also a maverick,

Darkplace was a turning point for me as a writer,

Darkplace, Darkplace

Darkplace, Darkplace

Darkplace, Darkplace

Darkplace, Darkplace

Darkplace, Darkplace

Darkplace, Darkplace

Darkplace, Darkplace, Darkplace

Darkplace, Darkplace, Darkplace

Darkplace, Darkplace, Darkplace

Darkplace, Darkplace, Darkplace

Darkplace, Darkplace, Darkplace

Darkplace, Darkplace, Darkplace

Darkplacel

Darkplacel

Darkplacel

Darkplacel

Darkplacel

Darkplacel

Darkplacel

Day draws into nightfall

Dead we're too late. Looks like our man struck again.

Dean's not an actor.

Dear me!

Definitely. It's what Reed feared.

Did they ever find it?

Did you attack the chef? Thanks for your time

Did you attack the chef? Thanks for your time.

Did you attack the chef? Thanks for your time.

Didnae get me wrong. I love Scotch people I love Lulu and if Taggart's on I'll tape it.

Do I have time to go to the toilet?

Do you know what's going on?

Do you think that eye child took over Dag's mind?

Does the channel come crawling back, cap in hand,

Don't ask me how, I just know.

Don't believe everything you hear.

Don't believe everything you read.

Don't blow it all by getting killed.

Don't get your panties in a scrunch. There's nothing we can do.

Don't know why I'm cooking, I'm so angry. Seasoning what do I need?

Don't make me stand here and count.

Don't mention it.

Don't mention it.

Don't play with the windows.

Don't sweat it. I'll suck a mint.

Don't walk away from me, lover boy.

Don't worry, Reed. This sounds routine. I'm sure nothing untoward will happen.

Don't you dare die!

DOOR SLAMS

Down a two way lane

Down a two way lane

Dr Dagless... >

Dr Liz Asher?

Dr Rick Dagless MD.

Drat! It's run out. Have mine.

Drivin' fast down the highway

Driving fast down the highway

ELECTRIC BUZZING

Emotions are running high. What do you suggest, Dag?

ENGINE REVS

ENGINES REV

Erm... Scotch Mist some thought was fairly racist.

Even if it's simple, like "Don't breed crabs to be as big as men."

Everyone has a special talent.

Everything bar the kitchen sink.

EVIL LAUGHTER

Exactly. They may even be stolen.

EXAGGERATED SOUND EFFECTS

Excuse me.

Excuse me... And I said "You're not a man, Dean, you're an ape."

FANS WHIRR

FAST TYPING

Fine. If he makes administrative errors, I'll bust his hump.

First things first, I gotta stop you bleeding.

Fish white flesh puckered by the highland breeze. Tight eyes peering out.

Five more minutes.

Flying objects? It beggars belief.

FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE DOWN CORRIDOR

For a while, at least.

For example?

For saving my life.

For this I wanted them to go "Ooooh."

For years I wondered what my goolies would sire would it be human?

Forgive me!

Found dead last night, shot in the eye.

FUNKY ACTION MUSIC

Funny. I don't remember locking this door.

Garth is the most significant artist I've worked with,

Garth Marenghi? He's my favourite! I've read them all!

GASPS

Get 2ccs of 0.2% saline chloroxide into bed 33,

Get me Dr Rick Dagless MD now!

Get me Dr Rick Dagless.

Get me Dr Rick Dagless.

Get me Reed! Oh, it's you. It's Sanch here. It's about Dag

Get out of the office! Thank you.

Gettawa!

Getting them in the right order that's the trick. That's the trick

GHOSTLY BAGPIPES PLAY

GHOSTLY LAUGHTER

GHOSTLY MUTTERING

GHOSTLY MUTTERING

GHOSTLY MUTTERING

GHOSTLY MUTTERING

GHOSTLY MUTTERING

GHOSTLY SCOTTISH MUTTERING

Give it up, Dag. It's a potential killer.

Glasgow's industrial, but it's still a third world country.

Go away. I demand that you go. Please be gone.

Go make me a pill that cures madness

God, he was brainy... and brave.

God, I wish I was hitting the wards with those young bucks,

Good gravy, a bunch of objects flying of their own accord in E Wing.

Good news. You're gonna be all right.

Good riddance. That's done and dusted, then.

Good work, Liz.

Great joke, Dag.

Greetings, friend.

Greetings, traveller. I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer

Greetings, traveller. Who am I?

GROWLING

GROWLING

GROWLING

GRUNTING

GUNFIRE

GUNSHOTS

GUNSHOTS

GURGLES

Guy probably came down, got lost, went mad,

Guy's got a fork through his kernel.

Ha ha.

Ha!

Ha! Ha ha!

Halfway through, I went to fix us both a coke float.

Hand him over. 'Kay?

Hang loose.

Harnessing psychokinetic abilities in underprivileged kids.

Have you ever been to Scotland, Dag?

Have you got a name or room number?

Have you met the temp?

He added that I should hot tail it up there, which means going back to where we started.

He couldn't interact with another actor.

He goes with you, and that's a deal breaker

He had an ambitious script.

He loves wind and he loves the sound of tinkling. And he loves you.

He said I'll always remember this

HE SHOUTS

HE WAILS

He was born half boy, half grasshopper, he never had a chance.

He went axe happy on a trout farm killed 60 fish.

He went.

He will. He's the best damn doctor on the wing.

He won't stop talking about you. You've found yourself a good man.

He wouldn't run if his ass was on fire.

He'd have used it to thank you.

He's a brilliant yet troubled man and I'm privileged to know him. I'll introduce you

He's a titan of terror I call him that as well.

He's a wild card.

He's acting like a jerk. Come on, Liz, coffee's on me

He's dead.

He's gonna make it just, but the chicken's off.

He's right, Dag. What went on in there wasn't by the book.

HEARTBEATS

Hee hee hee!

Heh heh!

Hellbent on dragging us back into the Stone Age.

Hello, Dr Rick Dagless speaking, how may I help you? ...Bye.

Hello, Linda.

Hello? Beg your pudding?

Hello? Speaking.

Hello.

Here it be a future shock that'll shit you up.

Here you go.

Here, let me cut up your pork pie.

Here.

Here's the drugs you couldn't afford. I bought them. Don't thank me.

Hey there, little guy!

Hey there, little guy.

Hey, bud. Just give me two ticks.

Hey, I've got an idea let's continue this outside in the bushes.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Are you all right? >

Hey.

Hey.

Hi, Gavin. Quick question re that green gas in the sky last night.

Hi. I've come to apply for the doctor's job.

HISSING

HISSING

Hm?

Hold it gently, like a lover in the shade of a mighty oak tree

Hold on, what's that?

Holy cow, it's you, isn't it? You're doing this

Hospital bloody hygiene.

How are you two doing?

How does one weigh the happiness of these two star crossed lovers

How long is it going to take the so called chef to cook this chicken?

How long is it going to take the so called chef to cook this chicken?

However, I had taken him aside that morning

However, with the aid of some stills taken by the girlfriend of the time,

Hug the wall.

I agree with that.

I ain't never goin' back. Not never.

I ask you!

I baked them by way of apology.

I beg ya.

I beg ya.

I beg your pudding? And the same to you too!

I call Garth the Orson Welles of horror.

I called... Madeleine Wool "Menagerie Wool"!

I can cope with constant bereavement. He can't. Most people can't.

I can take it or leave it.

I can't hear you.

I chose the latter, and fortunate favoured me,

I could have one now, you wouldn't know.

I dedicate tonight's episode to my wife Pam

I didn't wanna use that thing. Larry was my friend.

I didn't want to say, but in surgery today you were waving your bits out the window.

I didn't want to say, but in surgery today you were waving your bits out the window.

I didn't, to be honest. Erm...

I do not believe that any form of life, be it human, animal or plant,

I don't feel they're on my side.

I don't have time to drink this water, I'm that busy!

I don't have time to drink this water... water... water... water...

I don't know how, Rick, but you were right.

I don't know whether someone close to Garth had exploded,

I don't know yet. People often develop these abilities when they feel angry or unappreciated.

I don't know yet. People often develop these abilities when they feel angry or unappreciated.

I don't know yet. Slow it down 26%. Shhh. Listen.

I don't know. But it took over his heart.

I don't know. Some people are animals.

I don't see it as a problem.

I don't want to be here tomorrow with mist up my crack. Now get!

I drew inspiration from the dyke of my dreams

I dropped a sofa on my cat it was a write off so I stood on its head.

I figure Sanchez is regressing to Homo neanderthalenus.

I figured it'd be safer on the streets.

I forgot to flush! >

I found a piece of shit on the seat.

I gave every episode a theme, even when we were late or I was tired.

I get a tin of soup, poach an egg in it, serve it with a pork pie and sausage roll.

I get off on language.

I got a script, read it, scared me senseless, comme d'habitude,

I gotta save another life. Take care, little guy.

I guess being told I couldn't get a chicken supper was the last straw.

I had a little boy called Skipper. He was different, too.

I have four daughters

I have had...

I have never exploded, but, I know what it would be like

I have stood in Dean's front room and watched him make a lot of love.

I haven't acted since.

I haven't but you're dead

I haven't seen him eat anything today and it's 1 p.m. now so...

I hope he heeds my words.

I hope that is all right

I hope this does not impair your enjoyment of the drama.

I hope you're sitting un comfortably,

I just can't believe the temp is dead.

I just don't find her physically attractive.

I just have and that means you'd be lying.

I just hope Dagless makes it up here in time.

I just hope he realised how much he taught me, that it weren't just one way traffic.

I just hope I've changed the way you think about life.

I just want to apologise for what I did to your countrymen.

I just won't do it.

I know a little place you can go. It's called To Blazes.

I know it's me you want.

I know nothing about it.

I know writers who use subtext

I know you're lying to me, but I'm a big girl now.

I know.

I looked in the mirror one day...

I love Scotland. I'll take the high road or the low road. Both are valid.

I love the life we've made

I love you, Skipper.

I mean we all have abilities.

I mean, just to think of the er...

I mean, with a patient?

I need a shower.

I need you on the ward! There are kids dying out here!

I never... I don't think I'd ever kiss another man...

I once learned how to hypnotise women,

I once tried to open a gentleman's club near Fife. North of the border.

I only went into medicine for the laughs and the pussy, and that dried up years ago.

I owe you all an apology. Sanch...

I owe you everything. If you need any help, you can always rely on me.

I pleaded with him. I said, "No, don't." But he insisted.

I portended that by 2040, the world would see its first female mechanic.

I pray that I can pull myself through.

I punched a child actor because they were rude about Garth's writing.

I re closed the gates of hell but Darkplace hasn't been the same since.

I reckon she's in the Eastern Bloc. That's my hunch.

I refused to pay. An argument ensued, and I said some very racist things

I remember it much as one recalls a dream, or a nightmare.

I remember the old Reed, who wouldn't kowtow to Won Ton.

I repeat, put the eye down and your hands up!

I said " This is an ambitious script

I said, " This is going to be the most significant televisual event since Quantum Leap,

I saw the Scotch in their natural habitat and it weren't pretty.

I set out to continue that grand tradition.

I should be thanking you for looking after me

I should never have let myself get this close again. How's your head?

I suggest we split up

I suggest you remove your hand or I'll knock you down.

I think I can take them.

I think I know what did this.

I think I'd be more comfortable with a doctor's touch.

I think I'm gonna die

I think that scene's beautiful.

I think what this episode shows is that the human spirit cannot be overcome

I think you should have it.

I think you'd better go, Liz.

I thought I'd lost you back there!

I told you before, I don't do that!

I took the novel as far as it could go.

I took those slides down to floor 6.

I use rechargables. Couldn't charge them last night because I was playing the keyboard.

I wanna say, you did a heck of a thing back there.

I want it too, but now most of those kids are chimps. That's my priority.

I want you both in my office five minutes ago

I wanted to make people laugh and cry

I warned Garth. I said, "I'm not an actor."

I was asking another "what if"

I was on a budget flight to Norway

I was supposed to file this.

I was told when I was 16 that my balls didn't work.

I was typing and I had this block

I was wild, full of ideas, knuckle to knuckle with authority,

I was worried when I saw the... VHS again

I wasn't planning on falling on my fanny. I had a vision. I'm a psychic.

I went to the padre to confess... but washed my arse in the font!

I will not rest until I've found you an adequate replacement.

I won't let you down.

I won't tell you which "what if" it is

I wonder what brought them here.

I would keep the crew down to ten, twelve people.

I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I wouldn't say I buy it. Let's just say I'm window shopping,

I write to chill.

I...

I'd like that. I could use a drink.

I'd offer you my own if I could, but this is the only way.

I'd seen them in stations before, being loud, but now I was surrounded.

I'll be with you in two secs. You can scrub my legs.

I'll come to the point where does the Church stand on evolution?

I'll cross fertilise the data

I'll get a mop.

I'll get a nurse to help you out of that night dress.

I'll get Liz to do it first thing.

I'll give you 24 hours to get your sorry ship to shore.

I'll go to the water storeroom.

I'll have a double scotch and my friend will have the same.

I'll help. I'm free on Tuesdays and my contract hasn't started yet.

I'll just leave you briefly by this air vent.

I'll leave you alone to make your peace.

I'll look after Liz. Get this skin sample analysed, and keep shtoom.

I'll say one thing, he's very thorough.

I'll stay and recuperate as fast as I can.

I'll take the whisk out first and hold them off as long as I can.

I'll talk to the padre. He knows about monkeys.

I'm a language junkie, that's my hit.

I'm a one track lover

I'm a one track lover

I'm a rebel. I play a rebel brain expert

I'm afraid I can't offer you any salt to go with that.

I'm afraid, Rick. I'm afraid of what I'm becoming.

I'm Dr Sanchez

I'm fine, but I'm having to tread on eggshells vis a vis Liz.

I'm Garth Marenghi, horror author.

I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer though I prefer the term dream weaver.

I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer.

I'm going for a shower.

I'm going over there to tell him that.

I'm gonna get out of here for a bit, grab some air.

I'm gonna give him the rollicking of his life.

I'm gonna miss the banter which has fizzed from the get go,

I'm gonna miss you, Clive

I'm gonna stay and talk to her. It's called a bedside manner heard of it?

I'm just so happy.

I'm just trying to run a decent hospital

I'm just worried about Sanch.

I'm not telling his family that we're burning his body to close the portals to another dimension.

I'm one of the few people who've written more books than they've read.

I'm sorry I busted your balls.

I'm sorry. I was wrong. I see that now.

I'm sure if he'd had any breath left in his body,

I'm sure we all feel he exploded too young

I'm sweating now.

I've a hunch whoever or whatever he or she or it is will be there.

I've always been good with words.

I've always just known.

I've always loved the great tragedies King Lear, Superman II

I've been drunk with him for 15 years! So... it was home from home.

I've found with you

I've got a best buddy,

I've got to do it like this

I've got two words for you, Sanch telekinesis.

I've gotta get this.

I've had first hand experience. I lost a ball in Korea. Did the op myself.

I've included interviews with myself,

I've just graduated from Harvard College, Yale. I aced every semester and got an A.

I've never been afraid

I've never seen anything like this. In fact, I haven't got the foggiest idea!

I've never seen that before and I've never seen that since.

I've not got one.

I've not got time to shoot the shit.

I've seen a couple I fancy.

I've seen Garth bend a fork, so he knows what he's talking about.

If an Englishman meets a Scotchman, or vice versa,

If Dag thinks we have to boil her, I'm backing him 110%.

If everyone who'd ever got close to you had died, you'd be sarcastic too

If he will buy cheap batteries...

If I catch them, I'll string them up by their Buster Browns.

If I felt sorry for myself five days every month,

If I get too far gone, Rick... you know what to do.

If I had to call myself anything, and I hate labels, I'd say imaginer.

If I want to highlight social prejudice, I will, but my way.

If I want to start a sentence with a full stop, I will.

If it's passed to Sanchez, half of Romford'll have it within the week.

If politicians pay doctors peanuts, could they literally turn into monkeys?

If she got a burial.

If that's how you treat friends, imagine how you treat enemies.

If the gates of hell do re open, don't say I didn't warn you

If there's anything I can do...

If they have made love, that is.

If we lose our sense of humour in this place, we might as well kill ourselves.

If Won Ton finds out, my arse is grass, and he's got a lawnmower! You dig?

If you block up everything you'll sweat inside and get cancer.

If you clog up your pores you sweat elsewhere,

If you go to a puppet show, you can see the wires,

If you go to Punch and Judy to watch the wires, you're a freak.

If you need me, I'll be here in the vestry or out in my Jeep.

If you pass a postbox, can you post my pools coupon?

If you take a tiny sip of this, you're all right.

If you took away my ink, I'd write on the wind

If you... use antiperspirant

If you're different, people fear you. Look at Michael Jackson.

If you're grabbing me by the balls, don't wave a piece of paper at me.

Impressive, but don't do that on the ward.

In a year, I'll be a woman

In Black Fang I asked what if a rat could drive a bus?

In bringing you this forgotten episode of Darkplace,

In Glasgow, in a chip shop I ordered a cheeseburger.

In the end I picked up that pube and it made that gents a better place.

In the penumbra of uncertainty you call unconsciousness.

In times of conflict, when you're up against an aggressor,

In times of conflict, when you're up against an aggressor,

Including Afterbirth in which a mutated placenta attacks Bristol.

Inevitably, my imagination made the move to TV

INHALES

Is he going to die?

Is my daddy gonna be all right?

Is that Gavin, the hospital gas expert? ...Can you put Gavin on?

Is that why you called me in some dame's banged her bonce?

Is this hospital called St Crock of Shit?

It can happen like that, you can fall in love in an instant

It can make you feel like the king of the world, or...

It clogs up your pores.

It could? And those fungal spores could infect a person?

It felt like they were watching me. >

It is our duty to fight prejudice and injustice,

It looked bad. It looked like I'd have to spend the night in Glasgow.

It really hurts.

It seems we have a mystery attacker in Darkplace

It was an idiotic altercation which I regret for personal and professional reasons.

It was easy to get into character. I know the beast in me.

It was unprofessional and girlish. It won't happen again.

It was us and Princess Di.

It was very, very cheap.

It was way the hell out there.

It wouldn't be an ideal way to work.

It's all I've got.

It's all right, Rick, we'll get another one.

It's also about my own desire for a son,

It's an evil highland force... the ghosts of Scottish warriors trapped in foggy mist.

It's been taken care of. I got John to give it a quick wipe.

It's better to buy from a reputable high street retailer.

It's certainly an improvement on the old look.

It's egg in soup.

It's Jim. He's out there.

It's just you and me now, kiddo.

It's like a wind chime.

It's me they want. That's what they're gonna get.