F is for Family - Season 1 Edit

A buddy from the war has one in his head.

A discussion of today's issues facing today's black community, today.

A happy Sunday to all.

About to get hotter. See ya, fellas!

Absolutely. We will not spend one more dime than...

Again, my apologies for the defective product.

Ah ha! I knew it! How?

Ah, Christ. Here he comes.

Ah, he's a fuckin' animal.

Ah, I know it wasn't, princess. You can go.

Ah, shit, commercials.

Ah, shit.

Ah, you come down here and you say that to me like a man!

Ah, you got to be shittin' me! Susan!

All I'm saying is you don't get to make big financial decisions

All right, guys, dig in. Oh, so I gotta tell ya,

All right, pretend to be asleep. You were never there. It'll be fine.

All right? We got plenty of booze. Everyone's coming.

All right. Here we go.

An entire cul de sac, coming to my home tonight

And apologize for what you did,

And for making your father humiliate himself.

And I am never gonna say so. Is that understood?

And I really like you, and you're the only one I want to touch it.

And I sure as hell didn't break it!

And I'm gonna fuckin' kill you.

And I've never seen a color TV.

And make that Frank's Special Chip Dip.

And maybe some...

And now, back to Colt Luger.

And the fighters are approaching the ring!

And there goes the mouthpiece!

And those fancy potato chips

And we're all equal now. You know, not that you're going to be

And what's important to me is I have just one moment

And you are gonna march right up to that salesman

And you, sir, were still in your dad's balls!

Are you ready?

At a point above prime: 26 percent.

Ay, Chihuahua!

Because I fucking hate you!

Because they said my dick was too big?

Big Skillet's gonna kill that pasty booze bag.

Bleeding too much, which he wasn't. He lost because he was drunk.

Can you make some of those?

Civic right as Grand Funk was taking the stage. It was insane.

Close the door and lock 'em.

Colt Luger will return after these messages.

Colt, they're gonna kill us!

Come on, you're so pretty and you're so cool,

Come over here and watch the fight with the rest of the men.

Cut it out! This isn't funny anymore!

Dad, do you know anything about magnets?

Dad, we all know you're gonna answer it.

Daddy, I got an A on my spelling test!

Daddy's home! Time for dinner.

Dare you to lick it.

Did a bum shit in your mouth?

Did I tell you how the Army didn't take me

Don't go playing with those dirty kids down the end of the block.

Ed calls a mandatory meeting, we go to the break

Eh, Frank, I look through your window every night.

Every goddamn time. I am eating dinner with my family, young man!

Everyone in the neighborhood is already coming over

Ew...

Feminist Focus, with your host, Jim Jeffords.

For the traditional greeting.

Forever known now as The Bleedin' in Sweden!

Frank got himself a new color TV!

Frank Murphy's a wi...

Frank, what is it? What the hell?!

Frank, why did you do that? We can't afford a big color TV.

Frank, you should answer it. What if somebody got hurt?

Frank?

Fucking asshole. Last time, I'm walking with my wife, my woman,

Get back inside, you stupid maniac!

Get the fuck outta here!

Give it back, Kenny!

Go tell your dad he's a bigger punk than I thought.

Goddamn it. This better be good.

Goddamn Korean rubbed piece of shit.

Goddamn punk, calling me at supper. Huh? Huh?

Good guy. Hey, Frank, it'd be righteous

Good morning. Channel Nine begins its broadcast day with What It Is?

Good. Now go to bed.

Ha ha! Those Koreans'll never kill me!

Has many properties. Actually, too many to mention.

Have a wonderful day, children!

Have fun! Come home when the streetlights come on!

Haywood Big Skillet Shavers defends his title against

He didn't pour water in it.

He sent you here to give me the sob story? Too chicken to face me, huh?

He was the main one, I think. We made eye contact.

He's dead?

He's got the nerve to go, Hey, Frank, you're a lucky man.

He's not chicken. I just...

Here it comes. Here it comes.

Hey, Frank, take it easy, take it easy.

Hey, guys! You need some help? Oh, have a great day!

Hey, here we go, here we go!

Hey, Luger! You're one dead gringo.

Hey, so how about that fight?

Hey, Sue, I gotta have everybody over to watch this.

Hey, where's your loyalty? You're white.

Hey, you stay away from that loose girl down on River Street.

Hey, your hero Vic is over there watching it alone.

Hi, Mr. Murphy. Can Billy come out and play?

Hiya, Jimmy. Sorry about your house.

Hola, amigos!

Hold that thought.

How much will you give me?

Huh?

Huh?

I almost bled out in Korea, all right?! I have met God!

I am a customer of this store of long standing.

I am gonna speak! You think you can put on

I am gonna speak! You think you can put on

I am the fight host on this block! And why the hell

I bought a radio back here when there was no TV

I can't look at you right now. I might kill you.

I don't know, Dad. We never had a problem with these before.

I don't need a $25 Bible to teach me about God.

I don't need a goddamn engraved family Bible!

I don't want any half slut grandkids.

I finally won one! I won!

I have been wronged in this transaction and I have 14 people,

I know what happened.

I know what happened. I know exactly what happened.

I know who your old man is.

I know. You better start cooking, good looking.

I mean, I can't help it. I can't help what I got.

I mean, now that the Civil Rights era has drawn to a close

I pour water down the back of my own television set?

I poured water down it.

I put the magnet on the TV and now I can't make it go back!

I see you know your TVs.

I swear I'll pull your tongue out through your goddamn neck!

I sweated blood at that airport for 12 hours today,

I think you did, too.

I'll be back in a second. I have to go burn this shirt.

I'll hold the door open for you so you can carry it back to the car.

I'll tell you why. 'Cause you got no respect, that's why.

I'll tell you, Ernie, he was wearing a turtleneck earlier.

I'll throw one of my Frank's Famous Fight Parties

I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't mean it.

If they didn't sell us a lemon and you didn't break it, then who did?

If you joined us to watch the fight at my house.

If you're willing to work hard and go the extra

In col...!

Irish Mickey Ireland, out to avenge his heartbreaking loss,

Is that too much to ask? I'm not answering it.

It is the biggest and heaviest television on the market.

It wasn't a compliment.

It's a little delicate, but uh...

It's always Frank, calm down!

It's always some goddamn salesman, and I'm not answering it.

It's not my house, shit stain. It's my clubhouse.

It's not so much that you broke my TV. It's that you lied to me.

It's the heavyweight boxing event of the decade!

It's The Nickel and Pickle Show!

Jell O? Babe, this is a fight,

Jesus Christ. I'm not answering that.

Jesus, Chuck, what in the hell is wrong with all these TVs?

Jesus, Frank, a man is dead.

Just another page out of my life journey.

Keep on truckin', chief.

Kevin! Billy's getting killed by some big kids!

Kids all say he's Hitler's little brother.

Kids, this right here is an example of what can be yours

Ladies and gentlemen: Evel Knievel.

Leave me alone, you jerks!

Let me tell you something, you goddamn son of a bitch.

Little pussy! Get back here, Murphy, and let me fuckin' kill you!

Look out... below!

Lost on a technicality 'cause the ref thought he was

Lucky man? Luck had nothing to do with it, punk!

Made himself look like a lunatic because of you.

Major, you're not going anywhere.

Marrying my daughter or anything.

Marrying my daughter or anything.

Maybe you should've gotten the warranty.

Mile to give your family the nice things in life.

Mm, this varnish. It's so decadent.

Murphy residence.

Nice old man you got there, sending a kid to bitch and moan for him.

No one is on the side of the TV. How could this happen?

No, I'm OK.

No, they need to hear this. Your poor father

No, Your Honor, the defense does not rest.

Nobody ever gets hurt at supper, Susan, OK?

Not a party for someone with stomach cancer.

Not complaining about it, but really wanted to fight for our country.

Not responsible? I spent $640 on this thing.

Not the spiral kind, that makes me dizzy.

Nothing against you, we just kind of like him.

Now I have been wronged in this transaction! Get off of me!

Now what do you plan on doing about it?

Now? Son of a bitch!

Of peace with my family, enjoying a delicious home cooked meal.

Oh, for Christ's sake, I didn't watch it too long! It's brand new!

Oh, he's gone too far.

Oh, he's out of bullets!

Oh, hey, Kevin.

Oh, I need this.

Oh, I'm gonna be a cop!

Oh, is that so, Escobar?

Oh, it is gonna be one hell of a fight party.

Oh, it's gonna be a long and painful night for the Irishman!

Oh, let me tell you something, you goddamn son of a bitch.

Oh, man, that's the Nazi's house. He's gonna kill me!

Oh, man!

Oh, man! Oh, man! Oh, man!

Oh, my God, big kids! Run!

Oh, my God, is he bleeding already?

Oh, no, they gotta stop this.

Oh, shit.

Oh, Sue, for the love of Christ!

Oh, Sue, I don't know who...

Oh, that's wonderful, princess.

Oh, this is gonna be fun, Sue. I mean, this is gonna be big.

Oh, yeah? Well guess what, genius? I didn't do it!

Oh, you're so lucky.

Oh, you're the best!

Oh!

OK, here we go! Here we go!

OK. All I ask is that we stay within our budget.

OK. Yeah, of course. Of course, yeah.

One of the Four Tops was washing his armpits in

One of you is a liar. Are you a liar?

One sip. Don't tell your mother.

One, two, three, lift!

Opinions more if you brushed your hair?

Or just stand there pissing yourself, makes no difference to me.

Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Please!

Poured water... Why the hell would you pour water down it?!

Pull the knob.

Pull the receipts of everyone we sold these to.

Right after an all new There's a Fairy On My Shoulder.

Right in front of the TV. Get some that good bottled beer.

Room, and he's just bragging about his new tie.

Ruin his favorite show. It's one of his few joys in life.

See? This is what doing your homework gets you.

See? You see that? That right there, that is a man.

Shavers and Ireland meet in the center of the ring

She's got the Rice Krispies with the toothpick things in there.

Shit, it's Kevin Murphy!

Shit.

Shut up, he's gonna hear you!

SÌ. Are you going to run, or do you got the cajones to stand and fight?

Slacks and talk to a grown man like that?

So how do you people feel about these election results?

So I kicked the guy's ass, jumped into my car, and I got to the

So that's how it's gonna be? Very well.

So then I says to Ed...

So what happened here? Pour water down the back?

So what? Black dudes are cool.

So you kids are gonna have to stay in your rooms.

So you need to rectify this situation!

So, how was school?

So, uh... how we gonna do this? Refund, new set?

Sold.

Some food, some beer.

Some party.

Sometimes a man's gotta do...

Street sign: yes. Magnetic attraction

Sue is going all out. She's making those deviled eggs you like.

Sue, I think I just got promoted to management.

Sweet Jesus.

Tastes like Momma's gun.

Tell you what I can do.

Thank you for joining us, ladies. May I say, you all look super hot.

Thank you, Ms. Unchacka.

Thanks, Kevin.

That come in a tin! We can use it as a garbage can after!

That slick son of a bitch down at the TV store sold me a lemon!

That thanks to you, your father went to that TV store

That TV was fine when it left the store,

That was bitchin'!

That way we both decided together.

That's how many people he's killed. It's a scoreboard!

That's it, Mickey, that's it, let him punch himself out!

That's my guy! That's my guy, Irish Mickey.

That's not the point. I just wish you'd told me.

That's the guy who poured water in the Sonabishi.

The fight at Vic's while the whole neighborhood laughs at him!

The funniest thing happened at work today.

The men's room at the radio station just last week.

The Pattonhouse is a better model.

The slaughter starts at nine, on Sunday Bloody Sunday!

The Sonabishi is good, but we must've got a bad bunch from overseas.

Then close your eyes and shut the fuck up!

Then you should've sprung the extra five on the warranty.

There were so many people we knew in that store.

There you have it. A lemon.

There's something kind of red there on Mickey's face.

They got it! Nobody is leaving this couch until I know who did this.

They make 'em that size?

They want me to come in early tomorrow to cover his shift.

They want me to come in early tomorrow to cover his shift.

Things were said in that driveway that cannot be unsaid.

This is all the money we have saved in the world.

This is the ABS Evening News.

This is the Sonabishi Color Plex right here.

This is the Sonabishi Color Plex right here.

This TV worked perfectly when it left the store, so we're not responsible.

Those are tough to get off at this altitude.

Those fuckin' animals.

Those Orientals don't do good work. Their hands are too small.

Those... those deviled eggs?

To watch the fight on my color television!

To watch the fight on my new color set. It's 33 inches.

Toaster: yes.

Uh, excuse me, sir. My dad bought one of those.

Uh... OK. Thank you.

Unbelievable. Now get outta here.

Until one of you respects us enough to tell the truth.

Wait, we always watch the fight at my house.

We are taking you right down to that store,

We both know Kevin's not going to college.

We did it, Sue. We made it.

We don't hold out many hopes for the challenger tonight,

We found a rusty lawn mower in the woods.

We used to throw paper clips at it. Does that help you?

We will sit here all day

We've already been invited to watch the fight over at, uh...

Well, did you pour water down it?

Well, do ya? This is not how business is done

Well, hello. Do you need some help?

Well, I can't afford not to have one now.

Well, I guess His Royal Highness has finally decided to join us.

Well, I say it's time you took a bath... in your own blood!

Well, it's gonna be one hell of a party.

Well, sometimes a man's gotta do...

Well, thanks, but you're a little late.

Well, we sure as shit do now! I mean, Christ, they're all defective!

What did you just say to me?

What do you want to do?

What happened to it?

What if it's important?

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell?

What the hell?!

What the shit was that?

What, do you like his hair, and his car, acting all Hollywood?

Who's a Nazi, Ben?

Whoa! Watch it!

Why do people keep asking me that? Why on earth would

Why do they have to put the goddamn things on the wall?

Why the fuck would I pour water down it?

Why's it always me, Susan? How about a little support? Huh?

With your host, Jim Jeffords.

Won't even come to my door like a man?!

Would that kill ya?

Would you look at that jerk, carrying on like he's a goddamn astronaut.

Would you want to hang out with that guy anyways? Huh?

Ya know, he would've beat Shavers the last time, but

Yeah, I'm high, all right.

Yeah, the thing is, actually, it's...

Yeah, yeah, and he hunts down kids.

Yeah. Are you gonna stuff the eggs?

You are not to touch this unless I say so,

You can cut the excitement with a knife!

You can put my chair right in the middle of the room,

You can't see through that phony positivity?

You didn't? Then why the hell would you tell me you did?!

You don't know a goddamn thing about me.

You ever seen one naked? I do all the time.

You ever think people would listen to your

You got it all going on. I bet you're digging the skin you're in.

You have an interesting way of phrasing things, Mr. Jeffords.

You have something you want to tell me?

You hear that, world? Frank Murphy's not a loser!

You kids either really think I'm dumb, or you don't respect me.

You know what? I think our luck is finally turning around.

You know, I'll tell you what. We could finance that last $50

You know, if this had happened a week ago, we could've got a bigger TV.

You know, that German guy in that there house.

You know, with cream cheese and chili in a can?

You need some help, Frank?

You see? You see? What did I say?

You...

You're not exactly Joe Namath yourself!

Your father already had his dinner ruined, don't you

...what a man does. What a man does.

All right, but only over your pants. Oh, thank you so much.

and made a fool of himself. Oh, OK, Sue, thank you.

And... Sorry I raised my voice to you, sir.

at Vic's. Vic's?

Big stars, too. Oh, yeah? Which ones?

but he keeps on coming. Yeah, poor guy.

Can I help you? Um, my dad told me to...

Can I watch the fight too? No. This is gonna be a grown up party,

Can you give me a quarter for ice cream? I don't have one.

Come on, just touch it a little. No.

Dad... I did it. I broke your new TV.

Did he break my TV? No.

Did he break my TV?! No.

Did you break my TV? It wasn't me, Daddy.

Did you break my TV? No.

Did you break my TV? No.

Didn't do it! All right.

Does it ever fail? Just answer it.

Everybody's getting loaded. I can bring a Jell O loaf!

Everything's fine. His new TV's on the fritz!

Finish my science project. No, you're not.

For one thing, he smells great. He's got you there, Frank.

for the whole neighborhood. That's a great idea.

Frank, calm down. Yeah, Frank, calm down, calm down.

Frank! Guys, I'm trying to sleep!

Goddamn it, Goomer. Well, let me help you out, buddy!

He almost got you! You see that number on his arm?

Hey, where do you think you're going? Uh...

Heya, fellas! Heya, Frank!

I ain't buying this piece of shit. What the fuck is this?

I know exactly what happened here. Play dead or you will be.

I like your shorts. I know.

I made pigs in blankets. Oh, my favorite. Thanks, honey.

I won't tell anybody. No.

It was hand rubbed in Korea. Huh.

It was like this when I woke up! Maybe you watched it too long!

It's 33 inches! Oh, that's wunderbar!

It's great that you got one! Yeah. I was gonna surprise you.

It's Kevin's college fund. Come on, Sue.

It's time to die, Luger. Is that so, Boneskull?

Jesus Christ, Sue. And now, he has to watch

Just the men I want to see. Mm...

like this by yourself. Then agree with me.

My turn! Hold your balls!

No, I didn't pour water down it! Don't yell at me!

No, no, no, no! What the hell are you doing?

Nothing. That's enough, Kevin.

Now one of you did! And whoever it was, I want you to know

Now, Frank... Now Frank, now Frank nothing!

Oh, please, it is my pleasure. It's OK, I got it.

Oh, you'll never get it now. Bite down hard, Ken!

Oh, you're the best, sweet cakes. Stuff 'em!

OK, look, sir... You call me sir like you mean it.

OK. Yes.

Or both. Thanks, honey, I got this.

Ouch! Jimmy!

Probably has the clap. Kitty Kat, make me some mac and chee.

Really? Yeah, really.

Stuff 'em! You're the best! Oh!

That is a stunt man. What was that?

That's how you got here! That's a fine boy you got there, Frank.

That's pretty big. Up here, Babe.

The hell you're not! I'm not!

Then let me touch you. No.

There was an accident at the airport. Oh, my God, are you serious?

There was an accident at the airport. Oh, my God, are you serious?

They do for me. Out of sight.

They probably have chiggers! We won't!

They'll try, Sweet Cakes. But what can you do?

Thirty two inches of living color. Thirty two inches?

We're $50 short. I know, but I need this, Sue.

We're not doing anything. Neither was I.

what a man does. What a man does.

What happened in there? Well...

What is it?! You're on the side of the TV!

Who broke my TV? We don't know.

Who died? My boss, Ed.

Wow. We don't have that much cash.

Yeah, but he was kind of a dick. Frank!

Yeah! Stop it!

You bet your ass I am. Hey, Vic! It's hot.

You did? Yeah, it was me.

You're undermining me! No, I'm not!

[thump]