Schitt's Creek (2015) - Season 5 Edit

A "step in" closet.

A blessing! A real blessing.

A bottle of wine,

A concealed weapon.

A couple of broken hearts along the way.

A couple years? It sounds important.

A double cassette of the "Best Body Swaps

A few pieces of furniture from the motel

A few shrimp for the road?

A few tasty little rippers that uh...

A few things to expect.

A free room and now a hot date

A friend she met on the internet, so...

A fun opportunity for you to rewrite your past a little bit.

A little bit more of the English language?

A little bit sooner, I wouldn't have asked Alexis

A little more concerned about the show at the moment.

A little more positive?

A little pre game bevvy and pep talk at my place

A little skittish when approached.

A little something to celebrate

A lot of people are going to be very disappointed!

A lot of the people that you meet in motels

A low end poly blend hooded sweatshirt,

A one for one situation,

A picture and a handshake,

A pinch of moral corruption is a small price to pay.

A pizza delivery person so I could get

A quarantine station.

A ripe young actress who he'd soon cast

A separate room, okay.

A silent movie from your childhood?

A somewhat adult themed correspondence

A student driver rear ended me on the way over here,

A super dangerous walk and turn sobriety test.

A timely allegory about prejudice.

A traditional love song?

A traumatic event in our life.

A trip to Bora Bora.

A V VIP guest.

A vacuum salesman? I don't know.

A wallet full of debt.

A well intentioned, if not slightly misguided

A whisper... of desire.

A woman came in and gave me her number.

A woman encumbered with secrets she will...

A worthy competitor emerges.

A...

Aaaah!

Aah!

Aah! Stevie! Your friend just responded!

About being with other people.

About everything he and David have been doing,

About how great this motel is,

About how this information came out, then, huh?

About Rose Video. Ha! Ha!

About someone else who was naked and crying?

About taking out a mortgage to pay for his wife's dress!

About the album that I released?

About the high school idea.

About the team lunch today?

About the vintage wines we have in the back.

About this little time change?

About wanting to sup this evening,

Absolutely not!

Absolutely on the way home, and uh,

Absolutely, no, that makes perfect sense.

Absolutely. I'll just wait in the bathroom.

According to Mrs. Rose, our motel is the only place

Aching sense of dread.

Action!

Actually, you know what?

Actually...

Affairs, plural? Oh.

After a catamaran accident.

After collaborating so closely with the director on "Crows,"

After flying through a swarm of locusts.

After just two lessons with our sweet Alexis.

After my set anyways, so...

After some quiet reflection,

After the bathroom incident.

After their first couple years in jail.

After we exchanged info.

After we started shooting, so.

After you used all of my booze for your punch,

Again, it's not really that kind of place,

Again, not that it matters,

Agree to disagree.

Agreed.

Ah, Moira. Group two is gonna take a fiver.

Ah, you will in time.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Miss Felming... ton.

Ah! Sorry. I just need to...

Ah! Top ten things you don't want Roland

Ah.

Ah.

Ahem!

Ahem!

Ahem! I'm just gonna take the garbage out.

Ahem. "I've had a lot of fun hanging out with you,

Ahem... heh.

Ahem... to a woman, so...

Alas, I was sure there was a council related symposium

Alexis dear, now is bad a time as any to tell you.

Alexis from auditioning here, and I don't want to get

Alexis has a back tattoo?

Alexis is becoming a major girl boss,

Alexis, a brief stint on a reality show,

Alexis, after very careful consideration,

Alexis, come on.

Alexis, I just wanted to say...

Alexis, I was just about to tell Johnny,

Alexis, I would love you to do all my publicity!

Alexis, my phone's been ringing nonstop since 7 a.m.

Alexis, that's just an image search for...

Alexis, that's that's such a relief.

Alexis, there's a good reason

Alexis, we don't need to exercise our movement?

Alexis, what have you done to yourself?!

Alexis, when do you and Theodore depart

Alexis, you don't need to do those dishes.

Alexis, you shouldn't have to see this.

Alexis: First of all, welcome to my office.

Alexis: Hey Ted, I'll be there soon,

Alexis: Hey, can you give me a ride to Ted's?

Alexis: Hmm.

Alexis: Oh my God, Shan! You still here?

Alexis: So I just signed for this,

Alexis: So you just plug in the information,

Alexis!

Alexis's relationship is in trouble.

All by yourself?

All down his hand!

All except Charlie, but every party has a pooper.

All he'd have to bring is a couple of sides,

All I can think about is you,

All I did was pick out some gorgeous tile.

All I saw was a business partner communicating

All I'm saying is you have an opportunity here.

All of my jewelry is boring.

All right now, two away!

All right, do you wanna go first, babe?

All right, enough, Roland.

All right, fine, I, I didn't wanna bring this up,

All right, guys,

All right, have fun, sweetheart.

All right, Johnny, starting to make some moves, now.

All right, Johnny! Go on!

All right, players to first and second!

All right, then you need to hold it straighter.

All right, then.

All right, uh... goggles, snorkels.

All right, who's the lucky lady?

All right!

All right.

All right.

All right. I'll hold it up for you.

All right...

All rumpled and sweaty.

All so that you two of you could sneak off

All the time as well.

All the way, David! All the way!

All things considered, I'm feeling better.

All you have to do is open the curtain...

All: Ohhh!

Almost crypt like silence.

Almost makes me want to try out for it myself.

Alone with our precious miracle baby?

Alone, like some pervert?!

Along with some pets that needed to be cremated.

Along with the bill. Okay, great.

Alright, David, but it'll have to be a working repast.

Also, do you have like, a time frame

Also, I'm starving, and I need to eat something.

Also, I've been neglecting my wellness journey,

Also, that's rude!

Also, this is gonna sound totally petty,

Also, we're going with "Surprise."

Although he didn't stay very long.

Although I did have a cousin who was in "Riverdance"

Although I did play Liesl Von Trapp at 50.

Although it is a little unethical,

Although now that I'm standing here,

Although the exercise does ask us to recall

Although you've just explained

Although, Gwen thinks it's probably a lost cause.

Although, I did wanna say just one thing,

Always be ready!

Am I supposed to be reading between the lines here?

Amazed, yes.

Amazed. I was amazed.

An 18 wheeler barreling down...

An apartment together?

An astounding amount of money on therapy

An embarrassing romantic failure, it's me.

And "Crows" that, and Blajka...

And 3 empty chip bags that are also in your back seat?

And a box of chocolates.

And a couple, like, under water.

And a gambling addict.

And a lot of face time on stage,

And a lot of pacifier necklaces,

And a Playboy Bunny.

And a rogue baby in my store does not present as polished,

And a romantic relationship, well, that's...

And a whistle. Moira: Caw! Caw!

And Alexis made me feel bad about it.

And all I get are blank stares.

And all it said was "leggings."

And all she has is a facecloth.

And all this garbage end?

And also heights,

And also I know you're thinking like,

And an artistic cradle robber, I am not.

And And what page is that?

And are there boats near the water?

And at this rate, it's not looking good for the salt scrub.

And attractions off the beaten path.

And be humiliated!

And believe me, he will,

And besides, I think you'd look good

And Bob saw her crying at the gas station.

And boy, does he have a lot of gut to go with.

And businesswomen in sneakers.

And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party,

And by the time I came home, they were all dead.

And change my bet.

And cleared your head,

And clearly he likes you a lot.

And cost me the crown.

And David, I know what you're thinking,

And David's organized some writers' retreat

And don't worry about your solo, Jocelyn.

And don't worry, I will handle the audition,

And everybody...

And everything was fine? No major problems?

And far too often organized by well intentioned people

And feels like it was a big mistake.

And feels like it was a big mistake.

And finally, the double rinse cycle.

And finished with an eagle.

And fold and gossip?

And forced to grab what few precious items we could,

And forget about the picnic.

And from this point forward, I am staying out of it.

And get ready for the big surprise tonight.

And getting reacquainted with our bodies.

And give it the respect it deserves,

And give me your money!

And give Roland his job back?

And had the girl send me a photo.

And have her rush home from her daughter's wedding.

And he says you can have it for $4,200.

And he's doing just fine.

And he's spit up in the playpen!

And he's turning it down just to be with me.

And hopefully, eat, pray, love, a bit for myself.

And how long have you all been moonlighting?

And I actually did some research on the Maldives,

And I actually think that he was like a little bit drunk,

And I also think it's important for Patrick to experience

And I also thought that he was into me for a second,

And I am Alexis Rose, Moira's publicist and daughter.

And I brought you pastries, and coffees!

And I can't stomach the thought of Patrick's team

And I couldn't be happier to see you!

And I didn't have anything to give her...

And I didn't wanna waste it so.

And I don't know where I'd be without him.

And I don't know why I haven't brought him in sooner,

And I don't say them out loud to you,

And I don't think I should be penalized for that.

And I don't wanna be an optimist here,

And I don't want that anymore.

And I get the aerial shot for my love scene.

And I got stuck in traffic on the way back.

And I guess while we're spit balling here,

And I had forgotten to take some of the cards out,

And I had friends that lived in Brooklyn.

And I have learned to take as well.

And I have to hand it to DeWitt.

And I have to say, I'm actually kind of relieved,

And I hope I'll see you on Wednesday, too!

And I I don't think that uh...

And I include Caroline in that,

And I just feel like it wasn't the greatest send off,

And I just printed out all of these headshots

And I kept it.

And I know you have a few more motels to hit, so...

And I may have told her about it.

And I never know what's genuine, so.

And I quote, "ideally sometime this year."

And I really value you as our in house publicist.

And I really...

And I refuse to be the goddess on its prow!

And I saw your family with this big...

And I started taking Zumba classes.

And I still have two days

And I think for the sake of the business,

And I think it's amazing how far they've come.

And I think she's actually regretting signing up for this.

And I think that takes a lot of courage.

And I think we should finish it.

And I think you look very dashing in your hiking clothes.

And I thought I would be.

And I thought I'd pop in and see how you're doing, girl.

And I thought you might have gone home for the night, so...

And I told him we'd be better off as friends.

And I told you that it's fine, so it's it's fine!

And I understand why.

And I want to start the day with my lupanarian

And I want you to know, John,

And I was actually only one stamp away from a free sub, so.

And I was just told to have some fun.

And I was made aware there was a loss, as well.

And I was, I was trying to detangle things, and...

And I wear it every day.

And I will call Roland.

And I will spend the rest of the night

And I will tell you more about our bed there,

And I won ten bucks on a lotto ticket.

And I won't be there to give you towels when you need them,

And I'd like you to hear them.

And I'll be holding back tears,

And I'll see if we're interested.

And I'm afraid I must decline.

And I'm ashamed to say,

And I'm basically his only friend.

And I'm due on set in an hour,

And I'm feeling...

And I'm just piecing things together here.

And I'm not going to Patrick's tonight.

And I'm not just saying that

And I'm not just saying that

And I'm not just saying that because David's at Patrick's,

And I'm not saying that just because of the photo.

And I'm pretty sure she hates me

And I'm sure you give things up for him

And I've had that wig for 40 years.

And I've never been happier in my life.

And I've tried to protect you from it your whole life.

And if all goes to plan, we'll meet again on the red carpet.

And if anyone else wants a fry,

And if David makes you happy, then that's all we care about.

And if he does find himself completely lost,

And if not, I have a window later,

And if so, who's enforcing that rule?

And if there's an economical way for me to deal with this,

And if there's anything you need, please tell me.

And if we get there, and we hate it,

And if we're pointing fingers, David,

And if we're talking feet, it's $75 for one,

And if you feel the need to finish that communication

And if you want it bad enough, you've gotta fight for it.

And in the last verse, I really get to showcase my range.

And instruct, and bring out the very best in you.

And is she just saying this so she can expand

And it is a totally normal feeling.

And it is so crowded in there,

And it just been real tough to get over.

And it landed on you, and you guys kissed,

And it looks like you ended up walking her dog for her?

And it said that his relationship was like,

And it takes a couple years to process the applications.

And it was very dark. Okay.

And it will just like, erase the other one.

And it would be pretty tough to re book

And it's clear from the stain on your top

And it's her first day on set,

And it's his birthday, and he...

And it's Johnny's face staring back at me?

And it's like, a long distance thing, so I...

And it's like... not a big deal.

And John, I know disoriented you get in my absence.

And John, I tried to hang up my gown,

And Johnny can be our Manager.

And Johnny?

And Johnny's there getting my moles checked?

And joining us for the weekend.

And just and wear them to death.

And just focus on the future.

And just get some rest?

And just in case he changes his outfit,

And just in case, I wear open toed sandals.

And know that you've been heard!

And less on the details?

And let them know that their daughter

And little slippers to a high school slumber party.

And look at Bob, pretending to get it.

And look at you, John.

And look, if you're scared of drowning,

And loosen up a bit, Ronnie.

And make a connection with you.

And maybe one for Ms. Felmington.

And military grade caffeine pills.

And Moira.

And most diverse forms of plant and animal life on the planet?

And my coworkers thought it would be a good idea

And my name is actually pronounced "Ro lahnd."

And needed a player, but uh,

And neither is the lead in the play.

And never would've been able to memorize those lines.

And no, she would not approve! I would not approve!

And none of you here thought to tell me

And not a Band aid to be found in either of them, but still.

And not, as I assumed, a bonus for me.

And now half of our store is covered in tarps,

And now I fear I've overstepped.

And now I need $40.

And now I'd like a refund,

And now I'm wearing tap shoes.

And now there are live wires

And now they're gonna come and do it again!

And now you're making me feel like I made a mistake.

And now you're making me feel like I've just shipped

And now, here he is.

And occasionally me,

And of them, how many are mutants?

And oh! Honestly, between us,

And one surprise party only.

And opportunities like this

And Patrick's is a no go.

And perhaps an actual picture as well?

And perhaps we'll get a clearer idea of what we need here.

And perhaps you could take these to her?

And photogenic today, Mother.

And pick everything up for the baby shower?

And play the game now, right?

And pray no one ever sees this, yeah?

And pray there's still dazzle within.

And Rachel, and like, a handful of other girls.

And realize that I'm so not.

And Ronnie's gotta have a massage!

And Ronnie's TV gets that channel,

And scanner thing somewhere, so.

And second of all, that quiz is garbage.

And second, fine, I'll do it.

And secondly, I am the Manager.

And see how she's feeling about everything.

And see if we can pinch hit for you.

And see what happens.

And see you doing um...

And serve them the win on a silver platter?!

And she could've kept you company.

And she told me multiple times,

And she's actually been really helpful this week.

And so I just, I hope you guys can accept that.

And so I think it's time that I give something back to you.

And so would Ms. Felmington.

And so, yes, Ted Mullens,

And some interesting wildlife for me?

And some new fans who would be very disappointed

And somebody has to be at the store, so.

And something nice for the house. Nothing cheap.

And something you should only do on your terms.

And sometimes you sing too softly.

And spend some quality time with your son.

And stabilize your mood,

And stay out of my affairs.

And steer clear of acidic foods for a while.

And stumbled out on the road poor thing,

And suddenly she's Rita Rudner.

And take Polaroids of themselves all night?

And Ted and I are doing trip stuff.

And tell me you don't notice any similarities.

And ten years younger!

And thank God I caught it before that silly curtain rod

And thank you, Doctor. I'll have to call you

And that cute lil' butt.

And that golden ring means prosperity.

And that you'd probably have an opinion about it.

And that's a good thing.

And that's a problem because?

And that's all that matters to me.

And that's what I was gonna tell you when I...

And the casino just sent out an apology.

And the choice of thread color.

And the energy is unusually light around here.

And the game's on the line, right?

And the gift basket that you gave them

And the inning's over, and technically, you're walking in the right direction.

And the last night we spent together,

And the last time I didn't bounce back quite as fast.

And the rest of the hike would've made it worse.

And the water is so hard,

And the whole room got behind me in like, a really big way.

And then an afternoon of cheeky Bellinis.

And then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror,

And then I didn't go home for the holidays,

And then I was feeling so comfortable with you,

And then I won't have to feel guilty later?

And then it creates the website for you.

And then it sort of fades to black.

And then left without delivering the package.

And then my face.

And then Twyla gave me a Christmas gift,

And then um, she wrote...

And then we ran over him.

And then we'll be on our way.

And then we'll save the picnic for another day?

And then, this, Johnny, is an energy drink.

And then?

And there may have been

And there was no gun?

And there will be tears.

And there's this beautiful resort that we could stay at,

And they sell all the same stuff.

And they wouldn't fit you anyway.

And think about something you want.

And this is how you're gonna get it.

And this is Roland, he is our Guest Services Liaison.

And this is the only casino I haven't been banned from

And this just felt like the perfect place

And those are the shoes we're going with?

And trust me, the "wildlife" is not as sexy up close.

And twice this morning, but anyway,

And two attempts to get Lizzie Grubman

And Twyla's mom?

And uh, a couples massage.

And uh, just one more thing.

And uh, we should get back to the store.

And uh...

And very likely some jewelry.

And watch him fail.

And watched me load all the furniture onto his truck.

And we all know Gwen, he hasn't gotten it in years!

And we both agree that we're gonna land

And we can swap some more stuff!

And we can't find anyone else.

And we couldn't nail it at rehearsal.

And we figure if we uh, put the vines right up

And we go out there, and show those people

And we have a very pressing engagement so.

And we needed ice packs to keep the cheese

And we should cherish these moments,

And we should've just talked this through.

And we sorta wound each other worked up.

And we were gonna have dinner,

And we'll be back home by noon.

And we'll be back home by noon.

And we'll get going on negotiations!

And we'll get through it together.

And we're not having fun anymore.

And we're not rushing through this, Moira.

And we're sure this is the right hotel?

And wearing those little rubber thimbles on your fingers?

And what about Alexis?

And what advice was that?!

And what are we doing over here?

And what exactly did you get out of this fun swap?

And what exactly is this to you, then?

And what we'll be doing in it.

And when dear, did our room become so moist?

And whether you set sail, or stay put,

And while I was doing some light reorganization,

And while you're at it, bet on it.

And who, may I ask, is bold enough

And will the players get to eat first,

And with that, I believe your little inchling

And would we all not agree that words are weapons?!

And wouldn't you know it,

And yet, she, she gets the close up!

And you and I will do a little more one on one.

And you and Twyla can gossip and fold,

And you are going to adore the rejuvenating facial peel.

And you are?

And you can be topping up drinks.

And you certainly risked it all, didn't you?

And you had a wonderful time in the children's grotto.

And you haven't changed at all, Johnny.

And you know my stance on team sports.

And you know, clear your head.

And you look fine.

And you may as well bid Auf Wiedersehen to ticket sales.

And you never know where you're gonna land.

And you offered the cheese and the tapenade,

And you say you're working as fast as you can,

And you should go for dinner, and run free.

And you two can turn it into a fun game.

And you were both sworn to secrecy,

And you were here for this?

And you, Karen!

And you, Sir, were recently cut loose

And you'll be fine.

And you're trying to fill a...

And you've got the motel to run,

And you've never met anyone?

And Zeljko says, you eat,

And, and uh... and you what?

And, in that spirit,

And, scene!

And, there.

And, uh...

And?

And... burn 'em in a fire.

And... I didn't know what to do about it

And... I never followed up so.

And... I'm really glad that you and Shannon

And... looking to make the most of herself.

And... planning.

And... yeah, we've managed to keep it up

Angrier? You know, like, grr,

Answers to the name "Stevie".

Antonio said it was locally sourced.

Antonio!

Any interest in that.

Any money coming in should probably...

Any more beds, and you'd be in trouble.

Any morsel of Intel is crucial!

Any new customers, or is it still friendless?

Any other day this week, but I will yell at him later.

Anybody have her number? I'll text her.

Anyone can.

Anyone who sells counterfeit luxury beauty products

Anyway, David should leave you in charge

Anyway, David,

Anyway, David, I was hoping you would have settled down by now!

Anyway, Emir Kaplan is a very influential travel blogger,

Anyway, I have seven more songs to finish,

Anyway, I just stopped by to uh...

Anyway, I think that we both know

Anyway, I will be there soon, and I love you so much.

Anyway, I'll leave you to lunch.

Anyway, I'm gonna quit while I'm ahead, folks.

Anyway, I'm just staying here as a guest.

Anyway, it was really cool of you to do it,

Anyway, she found out, and felt so betrayed,

Anyway, that's probably why she seems like

Anyway, this feels like a very private family moment...

Anyway, we just stopped by to say we're having

Anyway, what about you?

Anyways, I guess I get to sit this one out.

Apparently it's just for customers,

Apparently she has to go see

Are "In Need of a Generator!" Poor thing!

Are blessed with weakening eyes and memories

Are gettin' there, but uh, this guy,

Are more palatable than anything

Are not exactly like...

Are still applicable today.

Are these 24 karat?

Are two people coaching me on something

Are very important, Alexis.

Are we feeling lucky?

Are we sure we want the door?

Are we up yet?

Are you guys sure you're okay?

Are you hearing anything I'm saying?!

Are you just playing to make your dad look good?

Are you okay, Mr. Rose?

Are you okay?

Are you ready?

Are you saying I booked it?

Are you serious?

Are you sure the cherry blossoms are even open now?

Are you sure you're up for this?

Are you sure, sure?

Are you sure?

Aren't these just the cinnamon buns from the lobby?

Aren't you the Sephardic Mr. Clean!

Artisanal Reiki gloves.

As a pearl in an un shucked oyster.

As a welcome present. We ran out of the body milk,

As actresses we have to do whatever it takes to survive.

As actually knocking.

As an unaccompanied minor.

As did anyone with brain cells to kill.

As Gregson said, to milk this for all it's worth.

As long as I never have to act again.

As long as you're up, why don't we jump right in?

As one of the happiest nights of my life.

As Sally, when you fought so hard for the role.

As service animals, so anything is possible.

As soon as I see them next, okay?

As soon we get uh, "El Tightwad" here

As they stepped aboard the Titanic.

As to when that might happen?

As you can see, this is open concept.

Aside to be with me.

Ask me how many ovations I got on closing night.

Assistant directing.

At a dangerously rapid velocity.

At a house party, I can confidently say,

At a slightly higher price.

At Bucky's Fried Chicken House?

At least I'm coming back, I don't know about Stevie.

At least, I think I did.

At my last motel.

At one point Patrick was engaged

At one point, she told me

At that Cosmic Meditation Clinic.

At that whole give and take thing.

At the annual Mayor's Roast.

At the cafe tonight for Ms. Felmington and I?

At the Elmdale Moto Lodge

At the motel...

At the opening of Bronwyn's Exotic Animal Clinic,

At the park this afternoon,

At the school gymnasium.

At this point is to just...

At those evening events.

At your leisure.

Attention to this bicorn of a show.

Audition?

Aw, I'm sorry, David, when I suggested the game,

Aw, it looks like somebody's up.

Awful peaceful when he's sleeping.

Awk! Awk! Ahaaa!

Aww!

B words!

Babe, are you sure?

Babe, did you rig this?

Babe, do you have a dishwasher?

Babe!

Babe. It's for charity.

Back into the circle.

Barbecue after?

Be careful with him. Precious cargo.

Be for the family.

Because according to her stories...

Because according to M'Lady Magazine,

Because all of you have been acting...

Because apparently, I'm "too pretty".

Because at this point I feel like

Because he knocked over a lot of things.

Because he used both hands to carry the bags

Because I applied before we got back together,

Because I can't possibly

Because I did a little "Ask Jeeves ing,"

Because I didn't know if that guy

Because I don't know if I took that first one, or not.

Because I don't trust where that stick has been.

Because I don't want you to not go like, just because of me.

Because I have never seen you run like that.

Because I I figured, you know,

Because I knew that you'd be staying over here quite a bit,

Because I know that none of you can keep a secret.

Because I only booked the private garden tour

Because I realized I've used this stuff before,

Because I think it's funny,

Because I thought this would be a fun thing to do together,

Because I thought we were just better off as friends.

Because I thought you were saying you were jealous of him.

Because I told you, we can just make our own.

Because I was here the entire time.

Because I was just going through my phone,

Because I was seven minutes late!

Because I will need to eat at some point soon.