The PJs (1999) - Season 1 Edit

A "K"? Who the hell asks for a "K"?

A beautiful vehicle like this unprotected?

A blistering 105 with no relief in sight.

A book on tape.

A can of chicken noodle soup.

A carnival?

A certain amount of heating oil.

A cold front coming up from the gizzards

A couple of little boys looking up to you,

A dangerous criminal has tied us up. Go call the police.

A goat's head wrapped in paper towels.

A good super wins the respect of a toilet.

A Grand Master Flush, the toilet of tomorrow.

A great adventure!

A guy passes out for three days

A ha!

A ha!

A ha! I see you changed your name.

A ha! I should have known!

A hands free apparatus for his voice box.

A hot water heater.

A janitor who made a mistake

A Korean grocer yelling, "Come back with that apple"?

A little dolly, eh?

A little hard work will teach you to ditch your responsibilities.

A little lemon zest.

A little man with a plunger.

A long line of satisfied ladies!

A magic bouillon!

A mangy old... Wait a minute.

A massage chair.

A massive storm system they're calling El n****.

A pie I don't remember tasting.

A place where little boys shouldn't be.

A porno movie? In my crack house?

A possum had gotten into the garbage

A rattling noise.

A rundown, dirty old building?

A slower white athlete?

A sweet little button nose?

A talkin' toilet.

A thinking man's idiot.

A tip envelope?

A tip envelope?

A toilet that never needs plungin'.

A week ago? A week ago?

A whole year early.

Aah!

Aah! Not the face!

Abandoned refrigerator. It's dangerous.

About trying to get that door back.

Abracadabra, alikazam, take this hex from off my man.

According to my records,

Add flour.

Africa apate uhuru!

Africa?

After all the years of faithful service I've given them?

After nine events, Thurgood Stubbs has a commanding lead.

After Red Moley scared the urine out of 'em.

After the Mayor's banquet celebrating me?

Again?

Again?

Again? I just fixed the door last week.

Again? Wasn't his throat enough?

Against the burglar you caught.

Ah choo?

Ah ha!

Ah, a commercial.

Ah, hell no, back on up.

Ah, here we go.

Ah, I'm too excited to eat.

Ah, if only whole place had gone to pot.

Ah, it feels so good to get back to the soil.

Ah, now I'm ready.

Ah, that's the smell of Thurgood, the smell of defeat.

Ah, there's no proven link

Ah, there's that old warm feeling again.

Ah, those were the days.

Ah!

Ah! Chocolate milk.

Ah! Hold that innermost thought.

Ah! Rats! Ah! Rats!

Ah! This is low.

Ah! You smell that, boys?

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Aha!

Aha! You're a crackhead!

Ahem, yeah, I'm here to pick up some winter supplies.

Ahem, yes. Friends are wonderful.

Ahem!

Ahem.

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Ahhh! (ROACH CHIRPS)

Ahhh! Don't eat me!

Ahhh! Find the defendant not...

Ain't he a fugitive from justice?

Ain't I delicious no more?

Ain't it a shame it all bled through.

Ain't nobody supposed to have to eat no dog food.

Ain't nothing to do, Muriel!

Ain't there any albino kids you and your friends can go pick on?

Ain't you ever heard of an overdose?

Ain't you never heard of a silencer?

Al Roker predicted frost.

Alas, I cannot.

ALL CHANTING: Go, Thurgood, King of Porno.

ALL CHANTING: Save the theater. Save the theater.

ALL CHANTING: We don't need no water, let the...

All claims against Mr. Stubbs' Wild Ride,

All I need is a onion, some mulberries,

All I need is one minute.

All of our friends went to camp.

All of that with my plunger of Christian love.

All our friends from the Hilton Jacobs projects are here!

All right then, grab my chain.

All right, 6:00 a.m. A week ago.

All right, all right, everybody out,

All right, all right, I'll get you some aspirin.

All right, all right, people.

All right, all right. Is everybody here?

All right, all right. You had your fun.

All right, as long as we understand each other.

All right, boy, you're on.

All right, boys, you can come on back now. We just funning.

All right, bye bye.

All right, Calvin. We'll take it from here.

All right, everybody, calm down. Quiet. Quiet now.

All right, everybody. We're having a lottery.

All right, first some hot sauce.

All right, here we go.

All right, here's Walter with the equipment. Hey.

All right, I had a 40 for breakfast.

All right, I know! Hop right!

All right, I won't tell nobody.

All right, I'll show you how things will be

All right, I'll try it.

All right, I'm hexing all your vegetables!

All right, it's Mrs. Avery.

All right, Juicy, drop 'em.

All right, let's go.

All right, listen.

All right, look.

All right, now listen up! It's about the go kart.

All right, now shut up.

All right, now you're catching on.

All right, now, now. Maybe if you just drop your lines in,

All right, one gypsy fortune teller.

All right, people, you heard the man.

All right, people. Please. Please.

All right, Tarnell, you the dealer.

All right, that was me.

All right, that's enough. I gotta go to work.

All right, then a dumping we will go!

All right, then, get me nachos.

All right, then, Haiti Lady is once again our voodoo queen!

All right, they finally named one after us.

All right, this crime scene is hot.

All right, Thurgood, time to put the clown in the cannon.

All right, we'll just find another way to get your DNA.

All right, what's going on here?

All right, which part of my soul

All right, you gonna die on the throne, queenie.

All right, you got me.

All right, you. You're under arrest.

All right, you're all excused.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. All right, look.

All right. All right. If you must know, I'll tell you the truth.

All right. Are you ready, Smokey?

All right. As long as we understand each other.

All right. But not fatal.

All right. Hey, I said sit down.

All right. I fold.

All right. I got this plunger,

All right. I'll leave you boys alone.

All right. Now I'd like to propose a toast.

All right. Now, this is gonna require some periods of no sex.

All right. Plant him.

All right. Rupaul and Little Richard.

All right. Trap's closing, Thurgood.

All right. We will begin the contest

All right. Well, Smokey, you're a man.

All right. You heard her, boys.

All righty, then. Merry Christmas.

All that kicking and it wasn't Super's body.

All the miscommunication we've been having about my bad mood.

All these years, I took care of you.

All this disappointment has tired me out.

All we get is a sign?

All we need is walkie talkies.

ALL: (CHANTING) Go toilet! Go toilet!

ALL: (CHANTING) Old door! Old door!

ALL: (CHEERING) Crime!

ALL: 98, 99... One dollar!

ALL: Amen.

ALL: Aw!

ALL: Aw!

ALL: Aw!

ALL: Burn!

ALL: Burn! Burn!

ALL: Good job, Super.

ALL: Hilton Jacobs!

ALL: Hilton Jacobs!

ALL: Hmm!

ALL: Ho!

ALL: Ho!

ALL: Holy crap!

ALL: Hope I don't wind up in jail.

ALL: I'm a fiercely proud black male.

ALL: K I S S I N G.

ALL: Merry Christmas, Super.

ALL: Mmm hmm.

ALL: New door! New door!

ALL: One, two, three, four.

ALL: One, two.

ALL: Ooh!

ALL: Ooh.

ALL: Our hero! Super's our hero!

ALL: Sanchez and Voice Therapist, sittin' in a tree...

ALL: Three, four.

ALL: To Haiti Lady.

ALL: We like to watch!

ALL: We like to watch!

ALL: Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

ALL: Yeah, when you gonna fix it?

ALL: Yeah.

Almost as much fun as eviction day!

Already have.

Although it's still in the experimental stage.

Always dragging me up there to listen to her boring stories.

Always thinking about hisself.

Am not!

Amigos, can I share, too?

An Andrew Jackson and you can drain your Johnson.

An electric powered computer.

An electro stimulation device?

An F5?

An hour later, you'll be hungry for more and dim sum.

An idiot with the mind of a child.

And a 12 inch buck knife.

And a heart the size of three men,

And a left pocket full of Walter.

And a nice fried salad.

And a partridge in some pan sauce.

And another round. Another round? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?

And as Jimmy points out, freedom for Africa.

And as long as you're pulling up roots, you can leave!

And asked them both to show I.D.

And away we go! Hiya!

And backed up with paper towels of spite.

And be a model of discipline like him.

And between naps in the boiler room and watching TV all day,

And between the ages of nine and 90.

And can't you see you're on the good side of this deal? I offered you shrimp.

And chicken fry you a steak.

And clearly that don't work either.

And cocoa!

And collected, I'll be on easy street.

And complaining about their clogged up toilets.

And consult your physician.

And did you see that Juicy jiggle?

And dig deep into the cheese sauce. The top's just oil.

And discover a subterranean civilization of mysterious sewer people.

And do not reflect those of this Haitian or its management.

And does most of the work.

And don't come back.

And don't go home, and enjoy the show.

And don't you look at me

And everybody was happy again.

And get rid of that lousy, stinking latrine.

And go back the richest woman in Haiti.

And had no distinguishing marks or scars.

And have them hightail it down to my building

And he knew the perfect time to do it.

And he's a good gardener too! (LAUGHS)

And he's got the nerve to be downstairs with his boys.

And here I am, plotting against him,

And his fat friend.

And how are your kids?

And I ain't afraid to use it neither!

And I am your mambo king!

And I can prove it, too.

And I demand to know why these boys can't go to your camp.

And I didn't care for either.

And I don't know anything about that note.

And I expect you to pay me back.

And I forgot to lock it up.

And I forgot to tell you.

And I found these in the bedroom.

And I got the snake rake!

And I got to tell you, baby.

And I had this idea.

And I had to pick it all up.

And I have been your janitor for 35 years.

And I have something you need.

And I just want to say again that I'm sorry and that I feel your pain.

And I need a repo man

And I pulled this game on a couple of pigeons in St. Louis back in '38.

And I slammed the window down on his head five times!

And I thought we were like this.

And I told you I don't need help from nobody.

And I wanted everybody to see it, so I faked a fire alarm.

And I was a hero for Halloween.

And I won't rest until every lead is completely exhausted.

And I'll be fine with no help from nobody!

And I'll be the clown making children laugh,

And I'll be your sales associate.

And I'm getting a wedgie!

And I'm gonna get her the perfect computer.

And I'm gonna win this contest and reclaim my dignity.

And I'm never gonna see your eyes

And I'm not going to college!

And I'm only gonna say this once.

And I'm still the same humble man that you married.

And I'm too young to settle down.

And if anybody ever found out about my recipes, I'd have to kill 'em.

And if I have the authority to marry people,

And if I win, I'm gonna still treat you with the same respect I always have.

And if sobriety checkpoints have taught me anything,

And if we had kids, they'd use it too.

And if you die, you'll be very, very sad.

And if you lose, it's next door for you.

And in this corner, with a blood pressure of 240 over 120,

And inciting a riot.

And it is everybody, right?

And it takes a lot to impress...

And it turned out to be nothing.

And it was on a night like this, when the moon was full

And it's a mobile home.

And it's a Xerox machine.

And it's part of the job as a super to lend a friendly ear.

And keep it on the DL.

And lastly, though they were very expensive to obtain,

And let us all admire Bebe's firm, ripe melons.

And like most crimes, I fit the description.

And loop the right end over three times.

And mad!

And make him do push ups in the mud.

And may you live 100 years, and may I live 100 minus a day,

And me and my team of investigators

And Miss Avery, he even fixed yours!

And Mr. Sanchez sold his hands free thing.

And my shiz rib is the shiz nit!

And no one can touch your spicy sausage!

And not one of them trick names you got on a string neither.

And not one speck of evidence to connect me to it.

And now I'd like to give the floor to Haiti Lady.

And now the moment y'all been waiting for.

And now to close, I will ceremoniously cut the cheese.

And on Christmas, of all days.

And one hour later, I rise!

And other flu like symptoms.

And our children's children

And our children's children's children

And our last contestant is our own Thurgood...

And pearly white teeth, but at what price, Muriel?

And place it in the doorway.

And please use my coaster of the coasters.

And put on that cap I gave you.

And quick. I'm starting to lose my motor control.

And radiating into my chest.

And save us both a lot of trouble. What do you say?

And she hates you.

And shot callers.

And shove them up their arsenios.

And show them that you're the hardest working man

And side B is I Know Why the Roasted Bird Singes.

And simply work it off over the next week.

And since you're the only one who can testify against him,

And so to sum it up, that's when I realized

And so, to continue the metaphor,

And start taking care of what you got.

And suddenly he's replaced?

And teach them about taking care of kids.

And thank you for making my job so challenging.

And that paperweight you call a god, but other than that,

And that someone is... Now, Walter.

And that would be the 21st century.

And that. Peace.

And that's about the same time Haiti Lady heard that howl.

And that's exactly where it's going.

And that's the only time that Red Moley comes out.

And that's the story of how the Super almost jacked Christmas.

And that's what we got.

And the lighted exit signs,

And the next thing you say better not have the word "church" in it.

And the one time... The one time

And the people in it, okay, snookie?

And the terrible situation I caused with the boy.

And then another shot from behind the greasy bowl.

And then I can improve upon it and beat him at his own game.

And then they beat the baby bejesus outta him!

And then we got filth

And there were plenty of others.

And there's no force on heaven or earth that can stop me.

And they climb up on top of you and...

And they got the audacity to call themselves the "Help Us Department."

And they won't even come by anymore.

And they're hellishly sweet.

And this gumbo is stupid.

And this is my kingdom.

And this is Projects Week.

And this little piggy goes to juvie.

And this one?

And treat it right this time.

And treat us like we don't really...

And trust me, nothing ever gets in or out,

And using their real names and social security numbers.

And very rude people!

And we ain't moving you in just so we can move you back out.

And we bought Mr. Sanchez

And we have no heating oil left.

And we turned it into a porno theater.

And we... The people!

And we'll be healthy long after you're gone.

And we'll be out of the projects forever!

And we'll pour a little on the side for the Notorious B.I.R.D.

And we'll see you back at the projects.

And what a success it's been.

And what are you worried about?

And what did he smell like?

And what do we like?

And what do you have to put up for collateral, little girl?

And what time was that, Mrs. Avery?

And what's on top?

And when our sofa was stolen,

And when pressure is applied...

And when someone took our signed picture

And when you get done with that wall,

And when you wake up, you'll have yourself a full glass

And where are the boys?

And while we're at it, we can just give 'em

And whose hat was that, Muriel? Whose hat was that?

And why did I make a sponge cake?

And winter don't officially start until...

And you all know I'm a fixer.

And you do a great job.

And you have to be union to do that.

And you told me my drinking would be the death of me.

And you weren't there.

And you won't find that in no book. Hmm.

And you wouldn't have seen shrimp one.

And you, what's up with that getup?

And you'd better be brutally honest.

And you're cheesing me off too!

And you're feeling resentful and melancholy.

And you're good. You think you're good.

And your carelessness destroyed the friendship of two boys.

And your g****s will rot on the vine.

And your sanity.

And your zozo going to shrivel up

And, at every opportunity, sleeps with crime,

And, Goodie, look what first prize is.

And, Muriel, I said, "Ninja, please."

And, Muriel, there's the stairs going up to the balcony.

And, of course, the whole week will culminate

And, people, please. Dress to impress.

And, scarecrow, I'll miss you most of all.

And, uh, may I add you never looked lovelier.

And, uh, that's the gross national product.

And, uh, the fire extinguishers.

And, uh, we may have killed them.

And, um, I'll raise Super's wristwatch.

And, yet, I still fear you.

And?

Another day of punishment?

Any aspiring super would be proud to have that tool belt.

Any suggestions?

Anybody come within three feet,

Anybody home?

Anyhoo, when we left off, Thurgood was sad

Anyone else?

Anyway, he said with all these strangers

Anyway, one time we were working our con up and down the Santa Fe line.

Anyway, we here to talk about Calvin.

Apology accepted.

Are gonna get to the bottom of this.

Are of this theater, too.

Are they as tight as standing room

Are we gonna do this, or what?

Are you afraid?

Are you gonna finish that?

Are you out of your mind, Muriel?

Are you ready to listen to the rest of the story now? Huh?

Are you sure you can handle that story?

Are you sure you didn't see anything, Super?

Aren't we having a good time?

As a community.

As a parole officer who eats, drinks

As Haiti Lady leads us in a voodoo hex.

As I am in life.

As I am won't to do from time to time.

As if my hypertension is just melting away.

As long as I stop itching.

As the superintendent of this building

As the superintendent of this building,

As they did at our old place.

As you all have heard,

At last, a peaceful end to this bitter East Coast West Coast gumbo war.

At least I'm planting something.

At the dog track, but they can't tip me?

At the Huntford Women's Correctional Facility.

At the movies yesterday.

At the movies yesterday.

At the movies?

At the San Berdoo county fair.

At what price?

At... (ECHOING)

Ate a perfectly good toilet. Oh, the horror.

Authentic.

Avery, let me in there! I'm here to get your rent!

Avery, suck in that hump.

AVERY: (SINGSONG) Better stop singing

AVERY: Come back at the end of the month.

AVERY: Come on in. The door's open and I'm all prepped.

AVERY: Cursed and drunk. That's what's wrong with him.

AVERY: Go away! I got a gun!

AVERY: Go away! I got a gun.

AVERY: Hey! What about your dues?

AVERY: Hot diggity! Ha!

AVERY: I broke somethin'.

AVERY: I told you I ain't paying no rent!

AVERY: Keep movin'. I want to see the surprise.

AVERY: Look at that! Its color's changing, girl.

AVERY: No chance. As my mammograms say, lump it!

AVERY: Now, that is so nice.

AVERY: Oh, hi, angels.

AVERY: Super,

AVERY: This is it?

AVERY: What the... You mangy mutt!

AVERY: What's that putrid smell?

Aw, but of course, my sweet.

Aw, thanks, Super.

Aw, yeah.

Aw!

Aw!

Aw! I thought we could share it.

Aw! Not another stroke!

Aw! What?

Babs, you have a customer. No, no, no, no.

Baby steps, Calvin, baby steps. That was cute, though.

Back and to the left...

Back and to the left...

Back in Haiti, the deceased is raised from the dead

Back in two in two if that's cool with you.

Bacon grease... (SLURPS)

Bad vinegar.

Ball is the ruler of the underworld!

Basketball.

Batter up.

Bebe and I went out walking.

Bebe, can you please leave me alone with my wife?

Bebe, do we have to talk through the door like this?

Bebe, how could you do that?

Bebe, I'm still the same sister you grew up and shared a bunk bed with.

BEBE: Ha, ha! I remember this.

BEBE: Hey, Jimmy!

BEBE: Jimmy and I are in for 20.

BEBE: Ooh! Ooh! I got one.

BEBE: We were just trying some place different.

BEBE: You should have known better than to rely on Thurgood.

Bebe's here to take care of you.

Because he couldn't afford to buy his wife a computer.

Because I ain't got the money to bail him out!

Because I have wonderful news.

Because I know you, Thurgood, like hot sauce.

Because I'm the boss.

Because it seems kind of weird that...

Because now I have your secret ingredient,

Because one of us is living in poverty and despair.

Because the problem now is that the boy

Because there's no "I" In friendship.

Because Thurgood Stubbs will not talk.

Because we're your friend.

Because you're Mrs. Avery, old lady, denture wearer.

Because you're spending all your time

Because you're such a valued customer. Hmm.

Bedsprings. Get it, bedsprings?

Been there, plunged that.

Beer battered fish, no fish, extra batter,

Before it's too late, I want you to know I love you, Muriel.

Before my right stuff wear off.

Before the homeless take everything.

Before the rest of my curse kick in.

Before you say anything... Juicy Hudson.

Behold! The only thing greater than myself.

Behold.

Besides us? Oh!

Better hurry up. Better do something quick.

Better pull the emergency break.

Better put on my goggles.

Better that than we get to the end of the winter

Between cigarettes and death.

Big moon, little moon.

Big moon, little moon. Help!

Big moon, little moon. MURIEL: Thurgood!

Black flight? Where the hell we gonna go?

Blah!

Bon appetit.

Borin'.

Both I and Donkey Jaws thought it would be a great idea

BOTH: Hi, Mrs. Avery.

BOTH: Hi, Super. Hi, Jimmy.

BOTH: Hi.

BOTH: Okay! Bye!

BOTH: To school.

BOTH: We won't!

BOTH: Wow!

Bougie man, come out!

Bouillon. Of course!

Boy, do I feel stupid.

Boy, I tell you, they just don't make anything this scary anymore.

Boy, she's a beauty, ain't she?

Boy, you really are pathetic, aren't you?

BOY: Yeah, great.

Boys, grab your poles and let's go the fishing hole.

Boys?

Breakfast coming up.

Breath freshener.

Breath mint? Yeah.

Bring it on down.

Bring life to this garden.

Bringing temperatures in the mid 20s by tomorrow.

Brothers check in, but they don't check out.

Brought her some real food

Bunny cat? That's stupid!

Burglars right in our own homes.

Burning some garbage with the Rasta Man.

Burns slow and smooth.

But a man. My man.

But Bebe ain't going out in that storm for nobody.

But Bebe don't change no funky sheets!

But don't worry,

But don't you go gettin' all hoity toilet with me.

But first tell me, are you okay?

But first, I need you to do some filing for me.

But he ain't black.

But he sure did get us a nice Christmas tree.

But here, I am a king,

But his views and opinions are his own

But how, how?

But how? I've got the better stock.

But I ain't going down alone. I'm taking others with me.

But I ain't turning on that heat till winter.

But I can't come on your show again.

But I could have sworn that was you I seen.

But I didn't steal it. I swear.

But I didn't want a porno theater.

But I didn't... Yeah, he didn't.

But I forgot my stun gun.

But I got no choice.

But I gotta warn y'all, I have the refined taste of an "aristocat."

But I had Michael, Marlon, Tito, and Jermaine!

But I have church!

But I just wanna... Damn, mother Hubbard.

But I just want... I'm Duncan Hines, Betty Crocker!

But I just wanted to clear up, you know,

But I just...

But I looked over, and he was the picture of health.

But I really do have to go, Mrs. Avery.

But I really got it in California.

But I told you.

But I wanna find the real guilty party.

But I was a special student.

But I was just trying to tell you that Haiti Lady's name...

But I'm a tell you all, I have no idea

But I'm just the kind of tasty dish they'd like in jail.

But I'm not tired.

But I'm still deeply touched.

But I'm sure it's fine.

But if I don't peek, how do I know how much to spend on you?

But if this is a bad time...

But if you all don't want me around, I guess I'll just go.

But if you just sit with it for a while...

But if you think that these children

But inside I'm empty.

But it seems to be missing something, don't you think?

But it seems to have left me temporarily blind.

But it was worth it

But it's all spelled out here in this incriminating note,

But let me tell you something.

But look on the bright side.

But Mambo Garcelle stay up all night

But Mrs. Avery is a very proud woman.

But my zozo has never been better.

But night falls here

But nothing can stop his filthy love!

But now it's you and waffles.

But only to hell and back.

But presenting yourself as a hero to the whole city!

But Red Moley's back there.

But remember one thing.

But remember, it's getting near dinner.

But renovations can run into the thousands.

But she was too proud to admit it.

But sometimes I just want to cuddle.

But T Dog picked out all the pork cubes.

But that doesn't change the fact that we're

But that doesn't explain why the go kart is missing.

But that wiley old Super had another plan up his sleeve.

But that's all you're gonna get out of me.

But that's mine.

But that's our school...

But the differential was shot when found it.

But the future doesn't come without sacrifices.

But the projects are so much more than that.

But there is one part of the contest I am worried about.

But there she was,

But there's no one here.

But there's one thing you gotta understand.

But they didn't mean it.

But this ain't Sears.

But this is our dream home!

But those lights are so old.

But trust me, it's a beaut.

But wait till the contest, when everybody's watching you, betting on you to fail.

But wasn't that an adventure?

But we can use it to keep those same people

But we didn't take the go kart.

But we had no water. No electricity.

But we have done good.

But we were more than willing to let it go.

But we're freezing to death.

But what about him?

But what could he do?

But what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna break through

But what will you do? You've lost your job.

But what?

But where are my manners?

But why?

But you can never take my dignity.

But you did it! Now, now.

But you don't see her on Time magazine

But you just told me that... Next!

But you two got all the time in the world

But you're gonna have to accept that that toilet's here to stay.

But you're my best friend.

But you're really pretty smart.

But, Goodie, where'd you get it?

But, hey, who am I talkin' to, right?

But, look, I got you a surprise.

But, Muriel, that's my secret recipe that boy is reciting.