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Home > Peter Kay Soundboard
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Peter Kay Soundboard

Peter Kay Soundboard

In 2005 he recorded a promotional video in which he mimed to Tony Christie's 1971 hit "(Is This the Way to) Amarillo" The song reached number 1 in the UK Singles Chart, becoming that year's best-selling single. In 2016 Kay won the BAFTA TV Award for Best Male Comedy Performance.
See also: That Peter Kay Thing, Peter Kay's Car Share, Peter Kay's Comedy Shuffle, Phoenix Nights, Britain's Got the Pop Factor... and Possibly a New Celebrity Jesus Christ Soapstar Superstar Strictly on Ice, Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere.

A bit like trying to choose three DVD's for £15 in HMV and you can only find one you like.
A calling. That may sound a bit wanky, but you know, I really knew the time had come for me to seize the day.
A dance past the mirror in the governors, all whilst avoiding eye contact with Miss Shambo who was sat in the corner scribbling furiously on her notes.
A dance to the back of the stage, straight up to a tree and cock my leg up.
A decision that I let haunt me and I punish myself with what ifs and maybes for a very long time after.
A few days before filming I got a call from the producer just before I went down to London.
A few days later, I started to notice a burning sensation when I pass water.
A few of the managers gathered outside, chatting. I could see them elbowing each other out of the corner of my eye as they approached them.
A few radical members of staff decided to black up the cast, including Mary and Joseph.
A few weeks later, I was on a bus heading into town. When a lad called Simon Aliwal got on.
A foreman in charge of a motorway Rd gang tried to give me a written warning for playing pole position in a mini arcade.
A holiday due to a clause and it dawned on us that we'd have to endure the bloody awful boat trip back to Liverpool again.
A laptop from behind a cardboard bosham Rd. Put them up. Put them up.
A lot to think that by serving on the altar I've done more than me a bit towards securing my place in heaven.
A mature man came when we Toby Foster, who's a drummer in Les Alanos on Phoenix nights.
A penny, a penny here. Before you know it, you've got 30 customers and what I said, I've got 30P.
A queue of impatient drivers was already forming behind them, and before I could tell them both to fuck off.
A quiz systematic about this scenario when we got back to school after our term.
A revolutionary new option. There would be no coursework and no exam.
A scanned his room. He had a lava lamp and a poster on his wall of the lyrics from stairway to heaven.
A scene that ITV decided to cut out a Jesus Christ Superstar in their infinite wisdom when they showed it last Easter Sunday afternoon.
A scrunched up paper up into a tiny ball and then pondered where could I hide it.
A snake bite? A black Russian? I started to get paranoid that customers were just making these names up to take the piss out of me.
A stroll down their order through the gates like John Travolta in Saturday night fever.
A sudden realization enveloped me, and without thinking, I'll let out a scream.
A timely staff password into the computer and put the video higher through the till.
About it, because I know graduated to a Phillips cassette player that my dad had bought me from the catalogue.
Affirmed. They all experience both exciting and rewarding, and it certainly beat me trying to find a space in the gazebo back at college.
After 12 years of education, this sudden change was a slow shock and a massive adjustment.
After a few fruitless telephone calls and numerous answering machine messages sprinkled with expletives.
After a while, though, I discovered he must have been lying because I did a whole raft of funerals and never got paid once.
After calling a press conference in the convent, they announced that the end of year production would be the Wizard of Oz.
After charming the ladies, Roy would eventually climb up into his pulpit and start the game.
After primary school, I made a huge move of 100 yards up the road to my big school.
After sleeping for 17 hours, we walk around tea time the next day.
After the success of the Avid Football advert, I was asked to film a second one for the John Smith's bitter campaign.
After two tests, there was no one to me. Third instructor Norris.
After Vernon left the building at 6:00 O'clock, we basically had the place to ourselves.
After waiting 90 minutes, thanks to Thatcher, I finally got to see the urologist.
Again, it's bang out of order. I find it extremely uncomfortable.
All I wanted to do was drive. Wasn't that the old part of having a driving lesson?
All of their managers pausing uncomfortably with stiff, forced smiles on their faces.
All of us walked this earth with the knowledge that our backs could go at any moment.
All that running around half naked and tripping over next door's dog never did it for me.
All the nutters signed up like lambs to the slaughter and joined a sinking St Bernadettes.
All you had to do was pop the tokens on the scales and air presto, the total amount would appear on screen.
Allow some biscuits are better than and he just stole, changed and.
An ex supervisor once told me that it was her job to push play on the MIDI HIFI before he went on stage.
And 62207 were a girl. I first went out with. I were 11
And added an amazement. But I knew damn well what a handbrake was. I'd seen enough episodes of the Dukes of Hazzard.
And after about 40 seconds and numerous bangs later, I was rewarded with a polystyrene cup, which hesitantly began to fill up with a liquid that looked like bisto gravy granules mixed with saliva.
And after deliberation of 10 seconds we came up with the very fast.
And all because the nuns wouldn't play. Relax, Frankie goes to Hollywood at the school disco.
And all I could hear was the sound of my Adidas kick trainer squeaking as I walked the centre of the hole.
And all that remains is the pit at the back, no doubt, where the can of WD40 is still smoldering somewhere beneath the earth.
And also had my doubts when I was singing Jingle Bells at the Christmas party down at the club.
And anyway, it didn't matter, because whoever got me, I'd still always end up being put in a goal of some kind.
And anyway, she emigrated to Australia. But I've forgotten all about that story.
And as a result, I had become totally disenchanted with the business of shore.
And as a result, there was always half a bottle of milk system in the top of the fridge, next to the cans of coke and diet lilt.
And as it was a wine lodge, there all these names for wines to contend with as well and have customers asking me for Aussie whites and blobs.
And as she got back into her car, I could see her looking round at the one story garage with confusion on her face.
And as soon as I played them, a door swung open in my mind and all those priceless memories came flooding back.
And as the music kicked in, he came on stage in all his man eating plant regalia.
And because the pitch was a public right away, the game would have to be stopped while Lady pushing a pram or pulling a tartan shopping trolley will come over for a chat about the weather or Britai...
And before Rob had chanced to not a response, I was in the confectionery aisle, ripping the lids off as many biscuit selection tins as I could get my hands on.
And before they went, Pam would make up our wages and leave them in the safe.
And began to sell us all warm cans of roller cola for a pound each.
And bemoan the fact that the profits were always down because nobody bought a bloody drink.
And but the original soundtrack to the Motion Picture Buster on cassette.
And by now I've been about 6 or 7 times. We've become really good friends. I tell you, a weird one. Manchester.
And by the time I arrived in 84, things had gone from bad to worse.
And by the time we reached Scotland in the Highlands, where most of the land is National Trust, it had gone beyond a joke.
And continue to be just as totally consumed with it as I was when I first saw Superman and Star Wars.
And Darren Leach is currently on remand for attacking his stepfather with A2 speed Hammer drill.
And demanded that he put me in for me test, which he did. I fail miserably on both attempts.
And during our long, unsociable shifts together and enjoy nothing more than regaling me with stories of his female conquests around the globe.
And even have a School Report that reads Peter seems unable to resist trying to amuse the children around him.
And even if he did linger too long on the lips of certain women, Jason would leg them up as he left the bingo while at the end of the night.
And even that usually resulted in a heated argument between two team captains. We're not having him. We had him last week.
And everyone in class would be like staring at him. Like, beam me up.
And everyone would be trying to watch top it, pops or summer and she dead load and she'd be like.
And everything would have gone according to plan. Avalos and negative answer had an epileptic fit on the last night.
And fair sister squatting by the side of the pool, offering encouragement to us.
And for a few minutes I was completely transported back to my childhood.
And have a quick chat to Darren Leach about his latest video and asked him before you could say I spit on your grave.
And have to chase their tongues around with the plate in case they dropped the Eucharist onto the carpet.
And he asked me this bottle of Pepsi and I drank it back and I said.
And he came charging into the garage like Michael Douglas in falling down.
And he didn't want to go on my dad, but we said get down there and have a nosey.
And he drove around for about six months with a sticker that we doctored in the back of his window, informing people.
And he just wired them up to a battery so the light flashed constantly as a deterrent.
And he played his music solo that everyone else could hear it in the car park.
And he proceeds to bore us to death with the depot sales figures and targets.
And he told me that occasionally he used to get people driving up to the transmitter in the middle of the night in order to complain. I'm not shitting you.
And he went hello and I went I it's me, he went. Ohh how can I help me out? I said.
And he'd only waved at me from his steamroller as he drove past us at the Bolton shore.
And held it directly responsible for the longstanding obsession of with TV themes.
And hopefully we'll be able to settle any outstanding arguments about who said what and when.
And I bought a Terry Winder from Tandy. Ohh. He's carrying that with me everywhere I always had on mate, Lord of cassettes rattling in my pockets.
And I close my eyes and wait for the pensioner screams from behind the partition.
And I could feel the adrenaline rushing through me. There was only one thing to do, so I left him my fairy feet and like a lion possessed.
And I couldn't even I was, like, bent over with a pencil in my hand, and I couldn't.
And I don't know. I don't know what they're on about until I reread that back cover.
And I got him, front room layout coach, because that's what you do, don't you?
And I got runs back trying to thank caravan, you know, block hell or whatever it was. And I got back to caravan.
And I have to admit, I was relieved a few months later when Danny Thorncliffe flipped his lid and took four nuns hostage with some tips and a Bunsen burner.
And I haven't had a chance to open the book. My wife came in behind me and parked the car.
And I just did like a really crap version of Amarillo and everyone sang along.
And I just pray that one day we'll be able to look back at the old story episode and laugh at it together.
And I later read a review that describes Sting as sounding like a drunk in a broom cupboard.
And I literally had to rub my eyes, but it really was there. An elephant strolling down the main Rd.
And I must have shut my eyes for longer than a split second because our miles out. I'm not exaggerating.
And I proceeded to wheel out the old it's once again, I really enjoyed him.
And I pulled up at these traffic lights and he pulled up into people carrying. He weren't winded. Down he went.
And I put it close up against the camera and kept moving it up and down.
And I really needed the money if I was at least gonna continue with me driving lessons.
And I remember feeling dirty with guilt as I ran across town to the bus station.
And I remember my dad falling down in between the seats. He was laughing that much.
And I said, can I can I help you? I said I'm upside down in with.
And I shit it and I'm running and this would be 4 year automatic doors, used clothes. You could still open them, you know, lean out and open your handle.
And I speak from a bitter personal experience when I'll tell you that nuns and schubas don't mix.
And I still always end up having a proper hot dinner as well. I was a growing boy at the end of the day.
And I still get nauseous to this day when I hear Moonlight Shadow played on the panpipes.
And I still remember the look of confusion on my mum's face on Christmas morning.
And I swear I once saw a listed in our local paper for Mary Poppins and Deep Throats.
And I think that was my first experience of being in front of a large crowd.
And I thought it was funny that the mum and dad and they were both like and then the train started moving.
And I used to get out and play bits of songs that sound like other things.
And I want money for me driving lessons. In fact, I had more money than I really needed.
And I was being forced to leap over a horse box and perform a forward roll.
And I was just getting out on a noticed one of me children's books.
And I was saying, please God, please God, God in heaven, don't get an erection. Do not get an erection.
And I was terrified of getting lost. I didn't want to go anywhere. We went on a coach trip to Barcelona one day.
And I'd have them swinging from my handlebars as a search for the dog, but I could never find it.
And I'd listen to them as I lay on the floor, drawing on a piece of wallpaper with coloured crayons.
And I'm about to ride the waltzers for the first time in one of those travelling fairgrounds.
And I'm at mum. I'm in absolute agony, I've got something wrong with my stomach and it's killing me.
And I'm gutted if I ever get there later, miss him. Because that for me, is what going to the cinema is all about, watching trailers.
And I'm still carrying it. We've moved out and I've still got this half a pack of share coming back.
And I've come a long way from drawing cars in the front room floor and we felt tips.
And if anyone could lay their hands on anything, it's short notice. Me, Uncle Tony was the man.
And if I thought the first years were good at drama, then the fifth year pupils were in a different league altogether. They were astonishingly good actors, mature beyond the years.
And if it was up to most drivers as soon a drive around on fumes all day with their orange fuel lights flashing and pulling into a garage for petrol.
And if there was any kind of a disruption, the bingo hall responsible could find themselves landed with a hefty fine.
And if things couldn't get any better, where we're given a double Decker each and a £5 voucher for Double H Smiths.
And if we weren't inventing confectionery, then we'd just be asking for things that she didn't sell like. Or one bar in 20 Benson and Hedges.
And if you're paid 10:00 PM on the last day of term, you're allowed to wear your own clothes.
And if your grades are sufficient, you'll be awarded a qualification equivalent to a GCSE.
And in fact, seem to spend his life in them buying all kinds of shit for tuppence.
And in front room. I was waiting, having my chicken soup, watching Sullivans.
And in saying that, she leaned into the cupboard and pulled out a bottle of GIF cleaner.
And in the office doing admin, but the majority of staff at the cashing carry were male.
And in their infinite wisdom, the local education authority decided to merge that school with ours.
And in those days you used to have these weird double bills that lasted for about 4 1/2 hours.
And it always seemed to happen when the other team was just about to score. The dog would appear at a thinner and start to shag my leg.
And it had four speeds, 163345 and 78.
And it says an asterisk there and it just has. I've just hit rock bottom with the whole non naming thing.
And it still only showed U during football for a quick game of hunt that leg.
And it used to just be me clothes would stink of smoke.
And it was almost banned in the US as a result of its controversial subject matter.
And it was some two blokes and that was so far out at sea.
And it works a treat until Steve forgot that everybody on the forecourt could hear everything he was saying.
And it's still the biggest selling hardback autobiography of all time. Can you believe that? That is what I am reading to you now. This is a book that didn't even wanna get written.
And listing through the air vents of the audience filing into the assembly hall. It was my first big performance since the Moon landings of 84.
And luckily, I've had the privilege of getting to know them over the last few years, in particular, Craig Cash.
And managed to collect most of my badges 125 meter breaststroke.
And many are. Good tuning can be played on an old fiddle providing your strings don't break.
And Mr patzer? Very sorry, missus, OK? I really don't think he's putting it on.
And my idea of heaven is that I get to settle back in front of a large television.
And never bombed him in life. Not unless you count the taxi driver's Christmas party I did in Blackburn last July.
And no doubt it will always remind me of this time no writing this chapter that remind me of this afternoon.
And no, I don't want to get all the Vinci Code on you, but over the years I've come to the conclusion that Catholicism is rife with hypocrisy and confusion.
And nodded towards a souvenir of Pope John Paul, the second clock on the wall in the kitchen.
And notice some of the groups had colored charts and elaborate files filled with notes on technical data.
And noticed they weren't so quick to stop the leader having a late night screening of titty titty gangbang.
And now he kept me off school and we went to the audition.
And now in her 80s, and I couldn't ring anybody.
And now she definitely suspected Graham having an affair. What should she do?
And now she's doing voice overs for British Gas.
And now, because of these newfangled CD's and laser discs, the future was starting to look bleak.
And of course, when you jump off the top diving board, the director.
And on one particularly bad shift, a block laying around the shop door and asked me if we had a toilet.
And on shaving block with a stutter drove up to me in a forklift truck.
And on the day it arrived in store, HP crafted a very special script.
And on the odd occasion she left me alone, I made it my moral duty to inform customers of any discrepancies in value for money, for example.
And on the opening day, I assisted the shoppers through the automatic doors of Bolton's first nettle superstore, water shitole.
And one night in the middle of the rush hour, I saw a fat couple struggling to get over Sierra.
And other irreversible damage to our already fragile lumbar regions.
And over them when I was glass collecting, making comments about the winners under their breath.
And put your left foot down, up, down, up, down, he said impatiently.
And running right back at Methodist Church and changing the reversible jacket inside out.
And saw that any form of conversation might eliminate a sense of smell.
And say hello. And they all went hello, hello there all saying hello. It's Peter.
And seeing an half naked male staggered down the beach with the story of the size of a wheelie bin on his shoulder wasn't a common sight at all in the late 1980s.
And seeing just how much food you can stuff into your mouth before the film starts, then spending the rest of the film.
And she knew I'd have to be a mental case to try and get in.