The Mindy Project - Season 1 Edit

A birthday's not an achievement.

A boyfriend who is mature and considerate,

A bunch of gross sex with randos.

A bunch of personal questions?

A butt, a tampon,

A casual hook up with you. That's fine.

A couple of the sign letters fell off.

A drawing of the child they never had together.

A few times. Don't worry about it.

A gynecologist that can't get it together

A jealous boyfriend? "A tranquil heart

A keychain with your name on it.

A little bit about how you know Josh?

A little bit of both, doc.

A little bit of charm.

A little bit, there's three different things

A little, baby Vicodin... No, there's no Vicodin in there.

A lot about kids, 'cause I basically

A lot of lowlifes. Not lowlifes. They're friends

A lot.

A man goes where he wants when he wants.

A man goes where he wants when he wants.

A man goes where he wants when he wants.

A nice, juicy t bone steak to distract any guard dogs.

A night of "vigor between the sheets

A problem in the office.

A real caterer would cost me, like, 500 bucks,

A smart adult is giving out free advice.

A squirt of pink soap from the men's room?

A statue of a cherub crying next to us.

A Stefani germanotta for you.

A tangled web.

A ton of kids' costumes.

A touch too long, but I I feel fine.

A watch.

A week before we got married,

A wicked long time, you fartknocker.

A year later, I'm maid of honor

Aah!

Aah!

Aah. Oh. Ugh

About bad decisions, okay?

About birthday celebrations in the office?

About everything

About getting your former patients' files

About how committed you are to the triathlon.

About how little we pay you. Yeah.

About Morgan staring at shauna.

About seeing Brendan tonight.

About that thing that we were talking about earlier.

About you guys having sex already.

About you on this date.

About you teenagers.

About you that I wish I could have.

About your boring lies and your sweaty forehead

About your incarceration right now.

Above the stove.

Absolutely not. No, no, no, no, no.

Absolutely not. Sit down.

Absolutely. You're pretty. You're... you're cute.

Ace Ventura,

Across the street called

Actual rival gangs.

Actually, dad, I'd like a beer.

Actually, I can,

Actually, I do.

Actually, I had a great weekend. She wasn't a supermodel.

Actually, if we go to a super bowl party,

Actually, it's Italian. Fabreezie.

Actually, uh...

Actually, you do have to answer that question.

Actually.

Adheres to standard carry on regulations.

After a particularly rough flight.

Ah, boy.

Ah, I'm in.

Ah, I'm so psyched.

Ah, the earth.

Ah, there you are. Betsy, I need your advice.

Ah, what are you doing?

Ah!

Ah! No!

Ah...I'm sorry.

Ahem!

Ahh!

Ahh.

Ahh.

Ain't really my steez right now.

Ain't that right, Peanut Butter?

Al Brooks killed that, right?

Alex, that's weird. Wait a minute.

Alex? Alex who? Rodriguez?

All afternoon, just over and over.

All hurt.

All I had to do was answer a few questions.

All I'm saying is, if you want

All night, but he doesn't show up.

All of a sudden, he starts massaging my shoulders.

All over my body, you pervert. Yeah, man.

All right now. Let's get you out of here.

All right, a slice and an orchid.

All right, a woman should not have

All right, all right. What are you doing?

All right, are you getting this?

All right, bye. I'm going to the "cafe teria."

All right, everybody, spit out the chocolate.

All right, I can undress this guy.

All right, I'll go.

All right, I'll have one drink.

All right, I'm a little disappointed

All right, keep up the good work.

All right, let's do this.

All right, look, Rishi.

All right, okay. I'm sorry.

All right, okay. Oh, there...

All right, sorry.

All right, teens fall for this all the time.

All right, thanks, Carl. Bye.

All right, this is our first Christmas

All right, um, but what will happen

All right, volleyball practice is over.

All right, well, I got something to tell you.

All right, well, I got something to tell you.

All right, well, I got to get out of this top

All right, well, I guess there's time to talk about it.

All right, what's in your medicine cabinet,

All right, your boyfriend has

All right!

All right!

All right?

All right?

All right?

All right? And as Sophia's gynecologist,

All right? Not wine.

All right? Pretzels, chips, some soda

All right? We will have so much fun.

All right? Wear your tightest t shirt, Mr. gorgeous,

All right? What I really need you to do

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Fine, fine.

All right. Okay, one...

All right. The zippered bustier is a bold choice,

All right. Yup.

All terrible. You are terrible.

All that proves is that my phone number is in his phone,

All this...

All voices will be heard.

All you ever do lately is just bury yourself

All: Hey. What's up, Mindy?

All: Whoa.

Already sent it. Already deleted it.

Also, can I grab a bottle of water

Also, I really wanted you to have this.

Also, they put smooth rocks in their bathroom sink.

Also, when it comes to drawing blood,

Although that is hilarious.

Although, he will not admit that.

Always recycle, okay?

Always yield to spiders.

Am I on speakerphone?

Am I too old for you?

Amazing. Everything is smooth now.

An early wedding gift

An elegant chocolate experience."

An itinerary?

And and then I stole his phone.

And and whoever that guy is..

And 17 angry parents to deal with,

And a fat man is chasing me.

And a little sauce.

And a pigeon flew into my eye.

And a receptionist.

And all I can do is think about one girl

And all of a sudden, he was Mufasa Al Muhammed

And are you two sleeping together?

And as a woman of color

And asthma, okay?

And basically, like, magic.

And be forewarned, her voice is very loud.

And before you know it, yap yap yap.

And biology

And Bossypants in here?

And business has been blowing up.

And by the way, these are not...

And calling all over the city for an Inigo Montoya costume.

And clearly, he has found someone more...

And dangerous complications.

And did the best magic I've ever seen.

And don't check me out as I walk away.

And don't talk to me anymore. Never.

And dumped both halves of my body in a dumpster?

And Duncan thought it was a terrible idea.

And easter.

And even though she had sort of a bad life,

And everybody knows that.

And everyone was like,

And for Betsy bear, a nice, cold glass of strawberry milk.

And for the lady of the house, this is my vintage.

And for the record, hotto did you a favor,

And free shipping and no tax.

And get a feel of what it's going to be like

And get married again. 41.

And get this: The bottle

And girls toss their razors out the window,

And good luck with that date.

And gout.

And guess what, guys.

And hang gliding, like the ads tell you.

And he can't stop thinking about his pal

And he is an attorney for NBA players.

And he is literally covered in body spray.

And he never seems to show up

And he said he'd do it for $50 and the turkey carcass.

And he said that you said that it was okay.

And he sends unsent mail.

And he wants me to visit him so that

And he'd never go for this.

And he's got plenty of those.

And he's the kind of guy that's worth waiting for.

And how I ran out like that.

And how would you feel if I asked him

And I am in a stable relationship

And I am my own worst critic. You know that.

And I bet if I were a white male,

And I can do whatever I want. And then what?

And I can kind of...

And I couldn't even do that.

And I couldn't pick you up 'cause I said I had to work...

And I decided I wanted to live in the woods

And I didn't put enough Rihanna songs on it,

And I didn't want us to waste our time.

And I don't have time for this.

And I don't really care about the environment.

And I don't want to stay here.

And I don't...

And I got punched in the face, all right?

And I had my first real New York City bagel that day.

And I had to lift your dumb tennis bag to get it?

And I have every reason to love Christianity.

And I just I wish the best

And I just feel like he's in some hot tub,

And I just spent $800 on a stupid grandpa suit.

And I know music.

And I know the shot might've hurt,

And I know you're gonna meet some guy,

And I look like I could be your daughter.

And I met Leon Panetta.

And I met this very nubile Russian ballerina

And I must have lost track of time,

And I need to find a rhyme for "estranged sister."

And I no longer want you?

And I really want that.

And I said, "look, man, here, take $20."

And I should know. Walking target

And I suggest you do the same with your ex.

And I think I turned out okay.

And I think I was kind of drunk at the wedding too

And I think that it should be something,

And I think we should go tell them

And I think you defend Nazis too much.

And I thought it would help to set the mood.

And I thought you would think it was lame, and I

And I told her about it, and she said, "good for you!"

And I tried to break up with her

And I wanna tell you something.

And I want to let you know, it gets better.

And I want you to listen to my input.

And I want you to take

And I was "white bitch." That's not the same.

And I was like, "no, I'm a doctor."

And I was so hungry that I told the flight attendant

And I won't let it ruin

And I would love to get a photo of me tackling you.

And I would love, uh, to come with you, but I can't.

And I'll probably forget.

And I'll see you in the new year's.

And I'm a monster who's... Ordering four slices of pizza.

And I'm just seeing you, like, climbing up

And I'm just trying to, like, find a life partner

And I'm like, "whoa, get away!"

And I'm never going to give you back your watch.

And I'm not promising anything,

And I'm party Hitler all of a sudden.

And I'm scared I may have contracted olive fingers.

And I'm scared of getting murdered.

And I'm sorry. Apology not accepted.

And I'm sure you'd love to educate me...

And I'm very happy to know what I am.

And I've never gone without you.

And if he kills it,

And if she got pregnant, would you, like,

And if you steal another patient,

And in a month or so,

And in that newspaper, I found this.

And in the scene. They just pluck you, yeah.

And it is important that we do it right.

And it is very arid in this climate,

And it just didn't seem worth it to go home.

And it kinda sucked. That wasn't casual for you.

And it tastes...

And it was wrong of me to do it.

And it went horribly.

And it's already getting a lot of buzz in the media.

And it's just like...

And it's kinda weird with two grownup dudes.

And it's not true. Why?

And it's not uncommon for a partner

And it's smart, because even though I

And it's very embarrassing to my friends,

And it's what's gonna make you pass this time.

And it's, like, getting smarter and bigger every day.

And its folkways.

And join Han " I'm not gonna

And kick me out of this place of welcoming.

And last week

And let me soak up some of these righteous rhymes.

And Linus is excited for the Great Pumpkin,

And make our lunches for the week.

And mine just features diamonds.

And my garment bag is my personal item/purse.

And nicer than this dump

And nobody cares

And none of the young, hot characters.

And none of your girly stuff.

And not share them with someone.

And not stand next to them It's weird.

And now I have a lifelong friend.

And now I'm watching TV.

And now you betrayed us with our enemies?

And now you're using a cell phone.

And now, let's get your weight.

And pirates and witches put aside their differences

And play air hockey.

And prescriptions are little pieces of paper

And quacks like you and your brother.

And red wine with ice. Thank you

And remember, you can stop this at any point

And return with a costume that is the pinnacle of wit.

And right now I'm 0 for 2.

And say, "I'll always have the quarry with me."

And second of all, I am not the same person

And see if Christianity's for you?

And see you for closure, but he was obviously wrong.

And she got so freaked out

And she was crying, and there was, you know,

And she was, uh, pushing me around the city in a stroller.

And she's much younger than you.

And so, like, just impulsive.

And softest blanket

And sometimes you will find his toenail clippings

And spray tan your way through it.

And start over,

And stuff, like "Little Bro."

And stupid crap like that. Guess what.

And take a damn good peek.

And talk about that. Pastor Casey.

And tell my mother he wanted a divorce.

And tennis coach, Duncan.

And thank you for attending this meeting.

And that I throw a great Christmas party,

And that makes me like Dr. Lahiri a little less too,

And that really got my romance game going.

And that sort of surprised me a little.

And that was, like, 20 minutes ago.

And that would look weird.

And that's a bad thing, right?

And that's not even your favorite one.

And that's why I'm a Christian, Dr. L.,

And the crisp autumn air.

And the degradation of our precious environment...

And the evil one was the one that cheated on me.

And the first time we go out, you get hit on

And the grand canyon is one giant rock. Who cares?

And the next time he is over, I welcome you

And the notary public that you're clearly not going to.

And the rabbits are there,

And the rich get richer.

And the scrubs went down to my ankles.

And the tennis bag is a guy.

And the toppings are getting weird.

And then check this out Mindy, Mindy.

And then he said he wasn't ready.

And then I bought him a sport coat,

And then I got three gay dads, which is another story.

And then I was the only one

And then I would help raise it.

And then instead remove their spleen.

And then kind of Peters out by day four.

And then Riley would like to try on some of my bras.

And then stop working, or to marry old,

And then the two of you get married

And then they kinda, like, creep out and scare

And then when I came up, I could be like... okay.

And then when the guy died, inherit all his money.

And then when you do make sense, you are surly and rude.

And then you have to look a couple wrong places

And then you'll you're gonna be okay.

And then you're like, "no! No!"

And there are parts of the old testament...

And there is a couple of bucks on this metrocard.

And there is this new one from Belgium

And there's a lot of audience participation.

And there's, like, a owl who's the priest.

And there's, like, boobs and stuff.

And these world music CDs

And they barely bought it.

And they gave me new pants.

And they said you'd never submitted them.

And they still think they own the world.

And they took a vote, majority rule.

And they'll just go, "Eh,

And this is the first time we've met, right?

And this my girlfriend, so that's different.

And this one simply says "Fat lady."

And this poor rabbi two rows back

And this time, I saved him.

And thought it was his or her right

And throw sexual paraphernalia at kids!

And to give you this.

And trick or treat here.

And two years after that, you have some random baby.

And urology.

And used it as an excuse to see my apartment.

And we have been best friends ever since

And we haven't found anybody,

And we hide our friendship at work

And we want to be able to express it.

And we were hoping that maybe

And we will buy your doll Sally a new friend.

And we'll be fine without you.

And we'll, uh... We'll see how that goes?

And what about going to England? Forget about that.

And what about this? Is this gonna happen?

And what are you handing out there?

And what's your typical amount of flow?

And whatever weird commune that you were raised in,

And when a dog has kidney issues

And when he does

And when he reaches in his pockets...

And when I get back,

And when I woke up,

And when it happens for you, you won't see it coming either.

And when my man isn't dropping rhymes,

And when you got off, it was suddenly the 1940s.

And when you showed up and ruined

And why is that?

And women find me a constant erotic distraction.

And work it out with Josh later, okay?

And worth every penny.

And you can't be on the phone all the time.

And you couldn't handle being my doctor.

And you don't even have any sneakers on.

And you got to wait for your ten point buck.

And you have completely lost track

And you just walk the other way, get a new girlfriend.

And you know what, it's actually even easier

And you know what?

And you know what? He gave it to me.

And you need to resolve this,

And you said that my truths were boring.

And you seem to have moved on fully

And you will stay together forever.

And you'll deal with this another day, okay?

And you'll find the perfect guy,

And you're bringing a seven year old kid

And you're eating a bottle of milk,

And you're going for a nice, calming swim.

And you're starting to feel safe.

And you're the, um... The cool mom.

And you've only got to do it one day a year.

And your friends are the people

And your guitar playing, while technically proficient,

And your warrior name is...

And your weekend sounded disgusting.

And your whole...

And, actually, you should do more,

And, at any second,

And, by the way, he didn't just kill me.

And, for the first time in my life, I'm free.

And, Gene, thank you so much again for this shirt.

And, guys, I didn't say "Meeting adjourned."

And, like, Kate Winslet's in it,

And, like, let it slosh around in your mouth.

And, uh, we have the same size shoe.

And, yeah, I'll say it... Borderline racist.

And, yeah, I'm gonna say it. These two...

And, yeah, if you are a healthy 22 year old pregnant woman,

And, you know, risking your life for love.

ANNOUNCER: There is no divisive political language on the ice.

Another couch night, huh, Dr. L?

Another good smelling letter for you, Dr. C.

Another home I can wreck.

Any kind of party theme, I'm ready.

Anyhow, how was your day?

Anything important to do ever again.

Anything scary happen? Did you see a werewolf?

Anyway,

Anyway, he buys you a drink,

Anyway, rehab's been great.

Aoki, Aoki, don't open it.

Apollo 13. Apollo 13 is a romantic comedy, you guys?

Apology accepted.

Apparently Jamie Foxx has taken charge of the pizza oven,

Appreciate it. I appreciate it actually.

Are all literally scum

Are considering taking your relationship

Are often fraught.

Are on this insanely long and nosy questionnaire.

Are realistically gonna play out.

Are stealing all our patients

Are there even any refreshments here?

Are you eye patch?

Are you firing me?

Are you good? Yeah.

Are you guys... Am I wrong?

Are you happy?

Are you her boyfriend?

Are you in charge of being a douche bag?

Are you Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride?

Are you jealous of me?

Are you k...

Are you kidding me with those names?

Are you kidding me, Dr. Shulman?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me? Come on.

Are you kidding me? I like that kind of pluck.

Are you kidding me? I'm fine.

Are you kidding me? Why are you wearing that?

Are you kidding me? Yes, he does. Yeah, he does.

Are you kidding?

Are you kidding? It'll barely cover your torso.

Are you kidding? No.

Are you laughing at the word "gynecologist"?

Are you near sighted too?

Are you okay?

Are you okay? Are you all right?

Are you okay? I'm fine, I'm fine.

Are you one of those weird people that

Are you ready for your exam?

Are you really? Yeah.

Are you serious? That's, like, a great

Are you serious? Yeah!

Are you serious? Yeah.

Are you serious? Yeah.

Are you sexually active?

Are you smiling?

Are you still here? Yeah. Can I have my tie, please?

Are you sure about this?

Are you sure?

Are you talking to God behind my back?

Are you telling me that she's not the other woman,

Are you the bathroom attendant?

Are you the British guy,

Are you the mistress of a black congressman?

Are you there?

Are you trying to get it wrong?

Are you trying to lure marines in here,

Are you wearing arm garters?

Are you wearing arm garters?

Are you wearing lipstick?

Are you? Are you?

Are you? Are you?

Are you? Are you?

Are you? Are you?

Are you? Are you?

Are you? Are you?

Are you? What do you think, Danny?

Are, uh, making eyes at me.

Aren't you a little bit curious?

Aren't you looking to see the world?

Aren't you supposed to be in Syria, taking a photo of a tank

Aren't you supposed to have best friend day?

Aren't you supposed to have best friend day?

Aren't you yearning to explore outside these offices?

As "crazy bangable"?

As "Hot and cold stone treatment."

As a matter of fact, I made up an itinerary.

As a reformed criminal.

As a thank you gift for being the sister

As a vampire for Halloween.

As easy to me as it does to you.

As heads of this practice,

As in George Mankin and Son Properties.

As long as I'm with you, Josh, doesn't matter.

As she stood there

As we all do, it's nice to have someone there

Associates, a word?

Asthma attack.

At 8:00 AM on a weekday is

At a beautiful Mona Lisa type painting

At a nightclub.

At a respiratory condition, Brendan.

At an Internet cafe.

At Christmas parties.

At Danny Granger and baron Davis.

At Dr. L's apartment?

At great personal cost, by the way,

At least he's not some psychotic monster bitch

At one of her listings, so...

At Shulman and associates.

At the Beijing Olympics.

At the bottom of all our emails.

At the library about our town's history.

At the party, let alone bring

At the place where he works.

At the world's stuffiest wedding,

At work, you work.

At your house when someone's coming over

Attacking my female boss... this... Feels weird.

Autumn in New York...

Aw, I can't stay mad at you.

Awesome.

Awesome.

Aww.

Aww. Okay.

Back in Otisville, I was in a production

Back then, I was, like, a little messed up,

Back to the quarry.

Barbara.

Barbara. I knew a Barbara once.

Barely been gone

Baron, why do you like splash?

Baseball cap, cell phone case, car keys...

Because 40's the new 30, right?

Because after a morning like that,

Because afterwards, Taylor swift was there,

Because Carl is telling stories and folktales

Because everything in your life

Because he does have a job.

Because he has no authority here.

Because he is going to be the future valedictorian

Because he just got back from Vietnam

Because he loved her, and she needed to know that,

Because he's a stupid son of a bitch, that's why!

Because I am a pathetic spinster with no prospects.

Because I banned some Facebook thing.

Because I don't need you.

Because I feel it may happen again.

Because I found it in the garbage

Because I got a new friend.

Because I had a lame costume,

Because I had had a little bit too much to drink.

Because I miss you.

Because I really liked it. Well, good

Because I should've mailed it... Years ago.

Because I'm a mess, Gwen.

Because I'm kind of his protege.

Because I'm trying to imagine you guys making love,

Because if the men in my family

Because if there's one thing that I can never resist,

Because it's embarrassing, all right?

Because meeting up for coffee

Because mindy killed her in a botched operation

Because my apartment is the only place

Because now...

Because of his personal feelings for me,

Because she couldn't handle it.

Because she's in love with you... go.

Because someone went in my office

Because their stupid water birth tub exploded over the weekend.

Because there's absolutely no reason for me to stay.

Because there's pictures of dudes on them.

Because this morning when I came to work

Because we are on a perfectly innocent business trip.

Because we have a big day ahead of us tomorrow. We do?

Because we're your friends

Because you and I are not even

Because you can talk to him tonight at the party with me?

Because you didn't really like our plans tonight.

Because you do have a little bit of puke.

Because you have a certain...

Because you see, I still don't have...

Because, uh, I'm gonna go murder my boyfriend.

Because, unlike me, you actually care

Before 8:00 a.M. On the subway usually,

Before I leave?

Before I take it from you myself.

Before it hits somebody in the head!

Before long, Mindy hires another Mindy.

Before you call yourself a supermodel.

Before you finally, like, "find" them,

Before you pursue this rap stuff?

Before you start grabbing at 'em.

Behind a Mexican restaurant.

Being treated like a child

Believe me, Mindy,

Ben, this is Dr. Lahiri.

Ben, you are such a special kid.

Besides, my only other invitation was with Shauna

Besides, what's so terrible about your family?

Besides, you don't have the physique

Best slice in the city.

Betsy bear...

Betsy, Betsy.

Betsy, can you just read that back for me?

Betsy, do not release that file, okay?

Betsy, don't make me unfriend you again.

Betsy, gloves

Betsy, I think maybe clacker's is best left

Betsy, it's, uh, $300.

Betsy, my two cents

Betsy, please text Josh,

Betsy, please... oh.

Betsy, thank you so much for including me

Betsy, this is hot. [Giggling]

Betsy, what are you doing here?

Betsy, what are you doing here?

Betsy, why don't you pull up his profile?

Betsy, you're very pretty.

Betsy!

Betsy's coming too? Yeah.

Between eating a new food and meeting a new guy,

Between two employees.

Beverly doesn't even check her email

Beverly has got to go. Yeah.

Beverly,

Beverly, could I have a word?

Beverly, have you been smoking in here?

Beverly, I'm sorry I have to be

Beverly, there's something I've been trying to tell you.

Beverly, we need to talk.

Beverly! Okay.

Beyonce pad thai.

Bible learnin'.

Bible study...

Big deal

Big deal. Title of this speech

Big dinner, can't do that all himself...

Birth control?

Black guys also love ass, which I happen to have a lot of.

Blew a fuse.

Blood, you guys.

Blue, wild card, red, uno, what?

Boaz, could you pass us the letter?

Bob Dylan.

Boop, boop, boop. Contacts.

Bootleggers.

Both of those weekends sound better than mine.

Bounce.

Boys, Mindy. Hi.

Bravest man I ever met.

Break it. I forget which way...