Broad City - Season 4 Edit

A big night

A boner is inevitable, I cannot be in here.

A bunch of monsters!

A completely different person than the guy he is right now.

A couple of times, actually.

A dope and powerful fucking witch.

A fucking murder mystery tonight.

A good one, not a racist one.

A hot dude who happens to teach.

A king for two queens, bitch!

A microcosm!

A person pussy poops another person.

A pressurized part.

A relationship girl, you know?

Ab, something I've meaning to talk to you about.

Ab, we're doing this

Abbi with an "I."

Abbi, I just saw Lincoln and then I met his girlfriend

Abbi, I...

Abbi, skincare is challenging.

Abbi! Abbi!

Abbi. Dude.

Abbi...

ABBl: Holy shit, what the... This is insane.

ABBl: I mean, what are we even gonna say to him when we confront him?

ABBl: I'm gonna check on my online dating profiles.

ABBl: I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

ABBl: Ilana?

ABBl: No!

ABBl: Oh, my God.

ABBl: Shit, dude, my teacher's here!

ABBl: Thank God we have these lollipops.

ABBl: This is perfect.

ABBl: We're his nieces.

ABBl: Yep. Genius. ILANA: Genius.

ABBl: You tell me, 'cause I don't know.

About the exploited salon workers.

About the woman being pushed off the balcony.

Absolutely not.

Acai.

Actually, you know what? Keep it.

Actually, you know what? Keep it.

Again, I do not think that's appropriate, Ilana.

Again, I love your hair curly.

Ah, I've never been to Paris.

Ah!

All clear.

All my friends call me Bevers

All pressed up on me and that heat, you feel that steam.

All right, all right.

All right, come on.

All right, fuck you.

All right, I'll take 20.

All right, Ilana, I want you to have a conversation with Abbi.

All right, let's get real.

All right, Mommy would want me to have it.

All right, the service in here is terrible.

All right, well, I'm getting here safe.

All right, well, that's it.

All right, well...

All right, you let me have the ring, and I'm gonna give you

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Closed.

All right. Don't, uh, fall in.

All right. Gotta run to my, uh, hair appointment.

All right. This is good, I feel better.

All teachers do.

All teachers jerk off to their students.

All the witch energy we have soaked up from this city.

ALL: Hey.

ALL: Hi!

Also, okay, let's just say

Am I allowed to behave that way?

Amanda asked to go outside, I just let her out!

Amanda? Amanda!

Amazing.

America's droopy dick.

An entire cabinet full of cleaning supplies?

An Upper East Side dermatologist, if you catch my drift.

And a dude dude can not fuck.

And a spot just opened up 'cause some guy just OD'ed.

And all along, his blood is just boiling that she's so much hotter than he is.

And are you a creep? Are you a criminal?

And believe me, we're not talking about that for a couple of years...

And come is a lot of who I am.

And cool as cucumbers.

And don't be afraid to really grind with that pumice.

And E. Coli from the pool that one year.

And even then, he could end up being

And even then, it wasn't good.

And for listening to me and hearing me.

And gardeners and, like, the various dudes driving ambulances

And get some goddamn whitefish salad for these old dirty bastards.

And giggle and play in the night.

And going ice skating with your parents.

And he pretended he was asleep.

And Hillary Clinton getting caught in the woods!

And honestly, it's a real design flaw, you know, how heavy they make the head.

And I always get everything. Just between you and me,

And I bazinga'd

And I cannot get hard for two more weeks.

And I don't wanna offend.

And I feel like you're bringing her back to life.

And I got a memento

And I got big o'titties.

And I got news for you. They request me.

And I got the bill as well.

And I hope you're getting what you want too.

And I just feel weird having it on my neck.

And I just went food shopping. I'm gonna make you a snack plate.

And I love helping struggling artists.

And I love you so much

And I realized that a clit looks a lot like a swoosh.

And I really

And I shit myself from a sphincter quivering,

And I swear I'm still sweating.

And I think I just got, like, real swept up in that moment.

And I think that you would be

And I thought about it a lot,

And I was this close to being able to afford

And I... And I planned an activity for us.

And I'll tell you what, they're jerking off to us too.

And I'm just, um, gonna go

And I'm like, "Hey, I want a bacon, egg and cheese,

And I'm like, are you... I want to give you money.

And I'm proud of you.

And I'm really gonna miss you,

And I'm trying to get a 69.

And I've also just been more anxious and depressed,

And it didn't happen, so... Best thing to do right now

And it feels great.

And it is literally a crime to watch.

And it's just the beginning.

And it's made especially for the humidity.

And it's not what I signed up for.

And keep them safe until they were in America.

And make sure the house gets a lot of positive energy.

And now I have dead pussy.

And now I have to lose these tips.

And now that I have the day off,

And now we're being held hostage in a man's apartment.

And now you're on a date?

And now, I got you all riled up!

And now, we're going to open the floor

And our pipes in our apartment just froze and burst... Again.

And pay 30 bucks for a ticket because I enjoy the popcorn.

And please stay. Eat, drink, mingle.

And she looked like she was in her twenties,

And she should break up with him.

And she's been hinting about it all week.

And she's too embarrassed to come, L O L, here, to see you.

And so, finally, that brings us to...

And Stacey London from What Not to Wear before you.

And swallowing them again to continue the cycle

And tell me if my boobs look good in this.

And that is good.

And that was fun but now, I'm

And that you're extremely rejuvenating for me.

And that, my friend, is cool.

And that's good enough for you?

And that's how the logo was born.

And that's what New York City is. One giant delayed orgasm.

And that's why everybody wants to set 'em on fire,

And the coochie de gras...

And the hunchback is just a scarf to protect my wings.

And the woman is older!

And then after that year, we check in with each other.

And then her... Her body bounced. Right over there.

And then I can always tell everyone I deleted Facebook.

And then I just felt like it's cooler to be,

And then I just jump into a glacier...

And then produces milk

And then there was this dermatologist

And then we found your fucking sex doll.

And then we will be ourselves with this bunch of strangers.

And they are the right age.

And they were experiencing violence and raids in their shtetl.

And they wooed me.

And this is amazing, we're really communicating.

And this is Lincoln, he is a man, as well.

And this is Lincoln. He is my...

And this is Milo.

And Trey was all like, "You're not a relationship type."

And we are just on this, like...

And we just started going in different directions, you know?

And we just wanted to set up before everybody else got here.

And we know he's on a corner apartment,

And we never told Daddy.

And we never told Daddy.

And we should capture it

And we're trying to hide it from Grandma. But she spotted us immediately

And what's the difference between Fran and your guns

And what's the difference between Fran and...

And when I open my eyes the universe is reborn.

And where do scarves come from? Scarf tree?

And witches aren't monsters, they're just women.

And you gave me your great grandmother's necklace

And you know what?

And you know what? My skin is radiant.

And you restore me... My... Not only myself, but my skin.

And you wanna know who fell off the balcony? Fran's sister Lydia.

And you, like, find it every time,

And, like, on the same page, totally, completely.

And... the coochie de gras.

Anybody in the entire world.

Anyway, while you're here, can I do a little peel or...

Are having a tough time.

Are we confronting him?

Are you kidding me?

Are you okay?

Are you seeing what I'm seeing?

Are you serious?

Are you serious?

Aren't these incredible?

Around the universe like the speed of light,

As he was on "Home Improvement," that poreless, olive skin?

As if in the wind, but the windows are shut.

At any moment!

At least do it in here.

At lightening speed.

At what turned out to be a sex store?

Au revoir!

Au revoir... (SPEAKING FRENCH)

Aunt Bev, you look jah mazing!

Ay, mi amore, you deserve it.

Ay, stop it! My stitches!

Ay!

Aye, no, did you get kicked in the face

Babe, we should get some.

Babies. Mmm...

Babies. Mmm...

Bangin'?

Beautiful apartment.

Beautiful, isn't she?

Because

Because her fucking head fell off when she hit the...

Because I need a second opinion on a new leotard.

Because I'm "devastatingly white."

Because it kept bangin' against the headboard.

Because of your haircut. Did you get it cut today?

Because she's with her new boy toy.

Because we'll be shitting

Because you couldn't leave the city 'cause

Because, "like, I wasn't hot enough."

Before he pulls squatters rights on you.

Before I Edward Scissors ass my ass.

Before we get to the Amtrak account,

Better jerk off before I get on the subway.

Better than you know yourself.

Betty, can you help me?

BETTY: Ah.

BEV: Pearls. BOBBl: Crap.

Beverly Baumgarten, we're here!

Bienvenue a la Boutique de Macaron.

Bingo Bronson!

Bitch, durr.

BOBBl: Don't raise your voice to me, missy!

BOBBl: Driver, I'm dying in here. Can't you get the air up a little bit?

BOBBl: Driver, I'm dying in here. Can't you get the air up a little bit?

BOBBl: God, I needed to be slapped in the face with this Vitamin D.

BOBBl: It's insane that you didn't carry on.

BOBBl: You know what? You could hold my purse.

Bonjour, mademoiselle.

Bonus Jonas!

BOTH: Ahh...

BOTH: Durr.

BOTH: Hi, Robert.

BOTH: Hilarious!

BOTH: Page! (LAUGHING)

BOTH: The dust ruffle's blowing, as if in the wind,

BOTH: The House of Barbecue!

BOTH: The wheels don't turn to squares when you roll over snow salt.

BOTH: This too shall pass.

BOTH: We'll take it.

BOTH: Whoa!

BOTH: Whoo!

BOTH: Wow...

Botox, fillers, bat feces.

Botox? Abbi, what?

Bountiful or whatever, I don't know.

Boy... Friend?

BRB, Abbi's a priority.

BRB, life,

Buh bye!

But back to business.

But can we do one more other one? One more.

But first, I want to thank you.

But French people just want to make everything, like, fancy.

But gay dudes can't get married yet, huh?

But he is really good at sex.

But he's my new boyfriend.

But I also think that's really about me

But I called you on a weekend, that's my bad.

But I can't stuff my tips into my empty heart.

But I can't think of anything that I care that much about.

But I did read that terrible New York Times headline

But I did realize, you know, maybe I'm not

But I don't know, then you can't be buried in the cemetery and that whole thing.

But I know this much to be true.

But I love it. I love it because

But I want to go tell Abbi what "Abbi" accomplished today.

But I was trying to hide in the children's room

But I'm able to process that this is, like, really good.

But I'm actually seeing someone.

But if we move here, our votes could swing the state.

But it sounded to me like he gave you multiples.

But it's the weekend!

But now she's a Crossfit trainer.

But soften my peepee.

But thank you so much. You've been so kind to me.

But that first side hasn't settled yet, so...

But that, sir, that was just disgusting. I hope you know that. Disgusting.

But that's, like, the third dude

But the one on Carmine is, like, amazing. The staff is so sweet.

But the windows are shut!

But then as the Botox was being injected into my face,

But then I'd miss all the baby pics.

But to be for real, I'm like,

But to control your own temperature, no.

But two Levain cookies?

But until then, we're just getting constantly fucked

But we had to be ready at any moment.

But we just forgot the exact number.

But what do you mean by that?

But when your hair is curly, it looks like pubes.

But why can't you get eggs after 11:00 a. M?

But why don't you go ahead and apply?

But you are a Darlington Lakes legacy.

But you know what? I'm gonna take my life

But you lose most of your body heat

But you still have my suitcase, and that's a visual reminder of me,

But you will certainly be, the bell of the ball.

But your services are not, um, needed here.

But, I don't know, is there any...

But, Ilana, I just... I will say that I do really stand by those sheet masks,

But, look, I had to check.

But, uh, who da' fresh man meat?

But, you know, now I'm stoned. I'm gonna spill the beans.

By Richard Pryor's numb cocaine dick.

Bye, Fran.

Calling Dr. Rice. I have a bad cavity

Can get the fuck out so I can jerk off real quick

Can I give you this money?

Can I just say one thing?

Can you help me? Help me!

Can you remind me again why you asked me to meet you

Can you set up with me?

Can't you just go in, like, a little bit late?

Catch up with you later.

Cha ching!

Check out my schedule and put it on the books.

Check out the city. Come on. Here we go.

Circumcision exposes the penile head

Cleaning 25 pounds of your dirtiest dog shit

Cleaning supplies.

Co parents.

Come on

Come on, come on, here we go.

Come on, dude, fuck Grey Dog, I hate that fucking place!

Come on, Ilana!

Come on, kids. Aniston out.

Come on!

Come on! Come on!

Come on.

Community will vote on who the next tenants should be.

Congrats.

Congratulations, ladies!

Congratulations.

Cool wand.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool. Cool.

Could fit you both, probably.

Could mean that she's, like, elite.

Could you close your eyes?

Could you please put it away please?

Creative assignments?

Cum kween.

Cute cards, Young Abbi.

Cute. So cute.

Damien! Hey, what's up?

Damn, I am so horned up, dude.

Damn, reading is so dope. (CHUCKLES)

Dang. Touch of Himalayan sea salt.

Dara wants to schedule a dinner with me, just us,

Dead pussy.

Dealing with your Aunt Bev is destroying my neck.

Dean?

Decreasing sensitivity over time.

Definitely ten years ago, I'm sure.

Delete. Delete.

Did I or did I not buy you not one,

Did somebody order a hot, rich cunt?

Did you ever think about getting a bra for your butt?

Did you get work done?

Did you really do all of these yourself?

Did you... Pff... Did you see that?

Do I look like a frickin' idiot?

Do not be a fucking homophobe.

Do you have a harness in this size?

Do you know the name of the movie that man just bought tickets to see?

Do you mean, like..

Do you see him?

Do you wanna get back to the clit talk?

Do you want a hit?

Do you want some pizza?

Do you, like, get her credit card statements or something?

Do you..

Do you... do you hear that?

Dodged a fucking bullet

Doesn't look that high.

Doesn't work anymore, we gotta close it, guys.

Don't be a fucking homophobe.

Don't even, it's...

Don't you

Don't you see? You're becoming a witch

Donald (BLEEP) and Mike Pence.

Donald Trump will be president!

DONALD TRUMP: Dead pussy.

Dope! Very cool.

Double jumbo capacity washer dryer,

Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble, bitch!

Dude,

Dude, Abbi got her first gray hair.

Dude, aren't you freezing?

Dude, how have we not seen each other?

Dude, I don't know why I ever doubted you. I'm in.

Dude, I love Grey Dog! I mean, I'm sure the one that you work at sucks.

Dude, I'm in there, like, every day.

Dude, just let me buy it for you. I'm a waitress.

Dude, maybe I am changing. Yeah.

Dude, shaming other white people for their racism is, like, my thing.

Dude, that is genius.

Dude, that... Scavenger hunt

Dude, that's where I work!

Dude, we are frickin' nailing this.

Easy, so easy.

Eh, I dunno.

Electoral college!

Eliot says she's the best one.

ELIOT: Mom, don't call him driver.

Elizabeth Buton Bates, will you please resume the PowerPoint?

Enjoy the Hamptons, and I'll talk to you soon.

Enjoy the Hamptons!

Ersatz ruby from Little Richard.

Esther Baumgarten?

Ethel's so fucking bossy.

Even if you didn't do any of this crazy shit to your face.

Even the type of fish salad they like is white

Even though I know you were already.

Even though I know you were already.

Even, like, on a T shirt. You kinda dressed down, which I get.

Ever since Melody got a job at the law firm,

Everybody can smell your pheromones

Everything's trash.

Evil to the bone

Ew, Ilana, chill.

Ew, Ilana. That was you?

Ew, wait. (CHUCKLES) Fillers?

Ew!

Ew! Wait! Ugh!

Ew. Ew. Ugh. Not into it

Ew..

Eww

Eww, I am having, like, a salty, wet diarrhea of a fucking day!

Exactly.

Exactly. I also heard about this thing where you can freeze your butt.

Except...

Excuse me, are you the new on site mortician?

Excuse me.

Excusez moi, mademoiselle,

Exhibit A, this freakin' bed.

Extra credit I can do to bring my grade up?

Fake an emergency in 30 seconds.

Fanny Rose, who came here on a ship during Fiddler on the Roof times.

Fat titties.

Feelin' like a stripper when I'm lookin' in the mirror

Feeling it! (CHUCKLING)

Fennel seeds, please.

Fierce 'do!

Filling cavities, and filling cavities.

Find a reason to leave, thank you, excuse us.

Fine.

Fire was inevitable.

First I do my back, then I do my front.

First of all, I don't like what's going on with you two.

First week in New York, I love this city.

Five paragraph essay! Five paragraph essay!

Florida might be filled with (BLEEP) supporters,

Flutes, flutes, uh...

Focus, focus...

For a little longer before we hit the other side.

For a little longer before we hit the other side.

For a powerful genital sneeze, or four. (CHUCKLES)

For me, although, I appreciate a good laugh.

For the rest of my life, dude!

For the sensual pleasure of his life,

For two, I exfoliate, like, almost every other day.

For what?

For, like, three months, four months.

Forget about me

Forget it! Forget it!

Forget it. Forget it.

Forgot my phone. Okay.

Former teacher. He's not my teacher anymore. We're on a date now.

Four and three and two and one

Four and three and two and one one

Four and three and two and one one

Four and three and two and one one

Four and three and two and one one

Four and three and...

From all the squirting and cumming I do.

From my great grandmother,

From your upper wing area.

Fuck you, (BLEEP)!

Fuck you!

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Fucking drug addict.

Full bodies with tannic grips.

Funny thing is, we won't have any dreams tonight

Funny, great sense of color.

Game show president nutsucker in chief!

Gay dudes can't get married, so a horse dude

Gays are not interchangeable, Eliot.

Gentle!

Get it together, we'll go out to the party,

Get me back to New York where everybody hates

Get out, go.

Get out. My daughter goes to MICA.

Get service in another room.

Get you, ooh

Get you, ooh

Girls, see you back in New York.

Girls, you saw it. You make the call.

Glad I spent 1,200 bucks getting these heads made.

Glasses on, phones off, please!

Go deeper. Tell Abbi what's in your heart.

Go on in, don't be shy.

Go. Go, go, go, go, go, go!

God damn it! (SIGHS)

God, do you feel this Florida sun? I am loving it.

God, I love that.

God, I mean, this is so crazy. We are being so crazy right now.

God, I wish it were that simple.

God, I'm never gonna come again!

God, it is so amazing, to have a day off from work.

God, it really is so beautiful.

God, it's crazy running into you.

God, it's crazy running into you.

God, it's just nice to have fresh cash, though, you know?

God, it's so moist in this bed.

God, that's a strong kick.

God, we're gonna be good moms.

God, you're cute as shit.

God... But I'm at least entitled

Goddammit.

Good bye, you old Boca box ofjunk!

Good call.

Good call.

Good for you.

Good job.

Good luck living the rest of your life

Good luck, dude.

Gorgeous.

Got a dope waiting job and I'm making serious bank.

Got it on McDougal.

Got sort of a full body with a tannic grip.

Gotta get the hell out of here!

Gotta make my day off count. Work hard, play hard, baby.

Grab 'em by the pussy.

Grab 'em by the pussy.

Grab 'em, grab 'em by the pussy.

Grandma Esther and Grandpa Zayde used to take us to the Catskills every summer.

Grandma Esther's diet pills... Speed, you know, we took it.

Grandma Fanny Rose, being the child, was the most innocent Iooking,

Grandpa? That's Grandma Esther's suit.

Great for me, though.

Great return, Ethel.

Great serve, Edna!

Great!

Great.

Great. Oliver, our Uber's close.

Guess they have to carb Ioad after their fucking hike.

Guess what? He's using them to clean up her blood.

Ha ha! Got her!

Ha.

Ha. I forgot about bullies.

Hairy taints...

Happy friendiversary.

Hard.

Has become our president.

Has been terrible since we became a fascist state.

Have comfortable sex at this hot couple's hotel,

Have I been talking for a long time?

Have you ever heard of hen of the woods?

He adopted us

He bought tickets to Daddy's Back.

He has one now.

He just left a little bit ago, and we wanted to sneak into his apartment

He looks smart.

He probably does. Everybody has fucking guns.

He said he thought about me like that.

He should come here. This place is so adult.

He sounds like a freeloading bag of trash bitch.

He took my pony! (CRYING)

He was my teach guy.

He's right. That's something.

He's, like, really creeping me out.

Head up to "Pube icks," AKA Publix,

Healthy Iooking hookers.

Hell yeah, sometimes in life you need creepy, freaky fucks.

Hell yeah, you did, you creepy bitch.

Hello, my dear!

Hello.

Hen of the woods are literally, like, what?

Hen of the woods are literally, like, what?

Her only granddaughter, or Eliot even!

Her story must be heard.

Here. Let me, I got it. Yeah.

Here. Take a look.

Here's what I'm gonna do for you.

Hey

Hey, Abbi, one more thing.

Hey, are you okay? Come to the gate.

Hey, did you shit your leotard?

Hey, drink up.

Hey, get outta the way.

Hey, Heidi.

Hey, I got it. Hey.

Hey, Ilana, have some perspective.

Hey, Ilana, Lincoln,

Hey, Ilana.

Hey, it's Ilana.

Hey, Madisons

Hey, Margo, can you watch my stuff for a sec?

Hey, Margo, can you watch my stuff for a sec?

Hey, Mel?

Hey, Melody, it's me.

Hey, Mr. Miller.

Hey, new blood. Welcome to the steps.

Hey, sorry about those last few things I said.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Ilana

Hey! Same Tupperware!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Come on in, come on.

Hey...

Hey...

Hi, Eleanor. We're meeting my sister upstairs.

Hi, there!

Hi, Uber, we're out front!

Hi, um, excuse me, sir,

Hi, you guys lost my luggage.

Hi! Oh...

Hi.

Hi. (GIGGLES)

Hi. Thanks.

Himalayan sea salt.

His and hers casket sheets.

Hm.

Hmm?

Hmm...

Hold my hand!

Hold on one second.

Hold on. Get off, get off.

Hold up.

Holler if you need anything else. It's lunchtime.

Holy Moly, wow, okay, cool abs.

Holy shit, holy shit.

Holy shit, holy shit.

Holy shit, music is so powerful.

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

Honestly, Ab, if you don't read a book soon,

Honestly, both.

How about a little hug for the Donald?

How are you? Good to see you.

How are you? You look great.

How can I ever repay you for saving my life?

How dare you take my Sandals vacay hostage.

How dare you!

How have I not told you about his gorgeous,

How long have you guys been together?

How much love you must feel when you have a baby?

How much shit we have done together since we met?

How nice to meet you.

How powerful we've become?

How was your day?

How was your day?

How'd it go?

How'd you know?

However, it slows down digestion,

Huh, a taxidermy room

I acknowledge that is rude.

I almost forgot we're in Florida. I mean, if we move here,

I almost forgot what it's like to have a roommate.

I am a rich, disgusting monster.

I am feeling that weed.

I am for real rich, not (BLEEP) rich.

I am gonna buy that Drew Barrymore space heater

I am present and attending.

I am prone to having the yeasty infections.

I am selling 'em.

I am the owner.

I call 'em "ballerina feet."

I can buy myself some happiness.

I can do this. I want this.

I can feel her when I hold that necklace.

I can finally feel my toes.

I can squirt, and like, spray.

I can't believe Grandpa used to wear this.

I can't believe guns come with the apartment!

I can't believe I have been on hold for two hours.

I can't believe she's ending her show though.

I can't tell who has more power in the community.

I can't, you're... The noises, the noises.

I cannot be around vibrations in my current state.

I checked out your website recently, Abbilicious. Com?

I contribute a lot of culture to this suite.

I could definitely do that high.

I could eat this every day.

I could feel my mustache lightening.

I didn't push her, she fell!

I didn't realize we were being exclusive.

I didn't say it was, like, a complicated plan.

I do appreciate you checking in,

I do need to change my Facebook profile pic.

I do owe her one.

I don't even know what to do with this!

I don't even know. I just clicked on it on Facebook

I don't have, um, a like a tip metaphor

I don't know how that got up there. It's not a wart.

I don't know that much to be true,

I don't know that spot, but I always smoke

I don't know what to say.

I don't know, a MacArthur Genius Grant

I don't know, how much is this place, uh, going for?

I don't know, I feel like it's a little creepy.

I don't know, it still creeps me out.

I don't think so.

I don't think we can choose. We need both votes.

I don't think you got this 100% right.