New Girl - Season 1 Edit

A 90 minute sesh is pretty standard for me.

A bear might fall on our trampoline.

A bear might fall on our trampoline.

A boom!

A chocolate fountain.

A container you're comfortable getting urine in.

A couple things you could work on. Uh...

A Daffy Duck impression.

A damp towel is where I draw the line.

A guy thing. Territory. You don't know.

A guy thing. Territory. You don't know.

A hat.

A hundred dollars? How does Schmidt buy groceries with 100 bucks?

A hundred percent. You're not my friend now. You're my enemy.

A ******* kid with a keyboard...

A kitchen island? Be a man. Let your counter attach to itself.

A little bro juice. Shot for Benjamin.

A little human warmth...

A little number on. Why don't I just tell you? It's $5 kabillion.

A little sharp, aged cheddar? Mm hm. Manchego?

A little slut who can dance...

A little yellow T, Cali roll.

A lost soul...

A lot

A magic bear, that's all it is, just stop

A man and his will to survive.

A normal man can go maybe three times in a night...

A pair of grey, shiny, twill, flat front trousers...

A pie made out of pumpkin

A pie made out of pumpkin

A scissor. Really, Schmidt?

A sex cretary does scheduling, light filing, basically runs the office.

A sex receptionist answers calls all day.

A slippery germ brick.

A stripper pole, a love grotto and a steering wheel in the shape of a boob.

A tampon?

A top of the line, conical burr coffee grinder.

A wallet.

A wallet.

A week? A month? Is this my favorite bedspread all over again?

A winter hat won't stop us thinking about you from time to time...

A wise man foretold of a magical night...

A. k.a. Cece, because she's Indian.

Aah, and you know, like:

Aah, you're the best, Beth.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Oh.

Aah! Damp towel! Damp!

Aah! It's cold! My testicles are in my abdomen!

About a month ago. While I was writing the Halloween madrigal.

About anybody else before.

About how I make too much money, I dress too fancy...

About me seeing your peen.

About the meaning behind the cactus...

About what she meant when she said, "I'll see you soon."

About, uh, how moved we are by jazz music.

Absolutely not.

Absolutely not.

Absolutely, and you know what? It all pools up...

Absolutely.

Absolutely. Why so much?

Absolutely. Say, Winston, do all top dogs need the biggest room...

Account number one: A $15 receipt for a Chinatown box turtle.

Actually, I don't know what it is. She's, uh... She's a little hard to read.

Actually, I don't know. The English writing on the box says:

Actually, I don't trust what "cool" means to all of you...

Actually, I still have some questions.

Actually, I think I undid a dent there.

Actually, I'll just figure it out myself.

Actually, I'm sorry, I do have to go.

Actually, I'm sorry.

Actually, it says that because, you know, heh, I made it specifically for you.

Actually, it's Diane Keaton's autobiography...

Actually, let's not laugh when you're near my penis.

Actually, scratch that. My mom's got your number in case of emergency.

Actually, that's not fair. She might be a really nice ho.

Actually, the ancient Egyptians...

Actually, uh, this is my fault.

Adventures in Babysitting, Prancer, Newsies, Curly Sue.

After this, I don't know, it's just...

After you, Jess.

Again, why do you wanna see it?

Agh!

Agh.

Ah, excusez moi.

Ah, I'm so sorry. Did he get weird? He's weird about cooking.

Ah, let me see here.

Ah, never mind.

Ah, straight bourbon in a plastic cup.

Ah, true spirit of Christmas.

Ah, yes! The mighty, mighty Lions of Des Moines.

Ah!

Ah! I got a charley horse. Oh, God.

Aha!

Aha. I see you found Santa's house. I was looking for it.

Ahh.

Ain't no thing. Ain't no thing.

Alcohol. Any kind of alcohol you have. Just give me anything.

All dressed up. What, are you in The Temptations tonight?

All good, man. I got your second set, so thank you.

All I can say Is that my life is pretty plain

All I hear is I can't use my bathroom because you're poor.

All night long

All of them.

All right, all right.

All right, American, you ready? Let's do the count.

All right, bring it in.

All right, bye.

All right, can you stop?

All right, Dirk, what about Deb?

All right, everybody leave the room. I need to talk to Kim.

All right, everybody relax.

All right, everybody stop!

All right, everybody, I think we need to take shots.

All right, fine, I'll help you.

All right, fine. I'll clean. You go to the store.

All right, give it a shot.

All right, I am not ready for a four way. That's...

All right, I can do 200.

All right, I get it. I'm an idiot.

All right, I think this was a really nice talk, Future Nick.

All right, I'll see you.

All right, I'm sorry, okay? You're so quiet.

All right, I've got to...

All right, just get in there, man.

All right, let's go. Let's go, Schmidt, okay?

All right, now let's go and get a drink.

All right, Schmidt.

All right, Schmidt.

All right, so a ménage à trois...

All right, so that's everything.

All right, so what do I owe you? Let's figure this out.

All right, then do this. Pretend this is Spencer's face. Punch it.

All right, well, I'll pay you guys back. I just...

All right, well, I'll pay you guys back. I just...

All right, you wanna go? This New Year's, I wasn't at my parents' house.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Wait

All right. Yeah.

All right. I am gonna text Kyle and tell him to meet us at the bar...

All right. I wanted to say that...

All right. It was just a suggestion.

All right. P Funk, what's up, dude?

All right. So far, Nick Miller's list of fears...

All right. That's how I like it, baby. All right.

All right. Then go ahead.

All right. You in? You in? Okay.

All that crystal is is rock poo, Schmidt.

All that's left is, like, a... It's, like... It's kind of like a health bread.

All the models are there. It's 12 models in two rooms.

All the reasons why they shouldn't get back together.

All these bars filled with emotionally vulnerable women.

All they want you to do is tell them that their photography has potential.

All this space...

All this time, I thought he was just sitting here, drinking beer and complaining...

All trash belongs:

All you are is a guy with really beautiful hair.

All yours.

Allowed me to realize the one thing that was missing in my life.

Allows me the opportunity to have as much sex as we want.

Almost a lawyer.

Almost strangle each other.

Alone.

Also a gentleman's shiv.

Also, I like to sing to myself a lot.

Also, there's, like, a lot of potentially cool...

Also, what happened to the refrigerator and the sofa?

Also, you're gonna take this paper, and you're gonna sing a duet with me.

Alternative percussion players and role models.

Am I gonna stay locked in a photo booth for the next hour...

Am I self sabotaging? Am I secretly a Cylon?

Am I talking too much? I don't wanna ruin the moment.

Amanda? From the bar?

Amazing. Hey, Ma! How are you? Yeah.

Amongst other endorsements that I had.

An earring. What does it look like?

An Indian ******* baby? Who wouldn't want that bone structure?

An orphan...

Anchor me, anchor me!

Anchor me, come on.

And 4000. Yeah.

And a beautiful ex husband.

And a crotch of gold. Hmm? Yeah, I'll hold.

And a little racist. So you'll watch Jess?

And a lot of PDFs.

And a master's in agriculture. He's kind of like a degree collector.

And a project bursts into flames.

And a subscription to Cricket.

And all I want to do is have meaningless sex...

And all of us lost our keys to the mailbox.

And all you do is talk about yourself.

And also kind of hot.

And also, we can hear everything you're saying.

And at the end of the day, they respected that.

And besides, Caroline is way hotter than that voice in my head...

And bluebirds come and help me dress in the morning.

And calm down, all right?

And Cece let you wear it?

And cheese. And cheese, actually.

And come running out of your room? I did.

And come to the mall because I need to figure out what to buy Paul for...

And concentrate on all of the things that you do by accident.

And control them for the rest of the year.

And couldn't get out of the road, so I braked. And I had to accelerate...

And damn it, you will not take that from me.

And dance my face off?

And don't bother me anymore.

And don't tell Schmidt until you're sure.

And emotionally abuse me for years?

And eventually, Nick is gonna come to you...

And famous artists like Banksy...

And fiddle it up and fiddle it down

And for a couple of weeks, that's all I've been doing.

And for once in my life, I'm gonna spend some time with my birds.

And for some reason, I find you ridiculously attractive for saying that.

And for that, Santa's gonna bring you extra presents this year.

And four different Batmen. Why don't we go for a walk?

And frankly, right now I feel taken advantage of.

And get ready for songs, because I am kind of a troubadour.

And guess what. It's not complicated.

And half up and half down.

And hawk's nest and boat fuel and cigars and bourbon. Man stuff.

And he just came by to bring me a gift, so...

And he teaches at my school. And he's really, really hot!

And he was this sweet, chubby communications major...

And he's afraid of thunder. I'm the voice of...

And he's gotta learn how to relax.

And he's helping me put myself through college.

And here I am. Just a man and his violin.

And how do you feel about opening your home...

And how they wish they were treated. What did you do, Jess?

And I can't be certain of this...

And I carry your soul song with me wherever I go.

And I couldn't say it back so I, um, said thank you...

And I do believe I speak for the entire human race when I say that...

And I don't actually have two butt cracks. I know.

And I don't know what I'm doing emotionally or, let's be honest, sexually.

And I don't think that we should do this anymore.

And I don't understand how they think they're relaxed, they have nothing to do.

And I don't want Daffy Duck voices and feeling sticks.

And I don't want that to be jeopardized by a moment of poorjudgment.

And I don't want to be your friend, so...

And I feel like we're stuck in mile 25.

And I feel that if Nick is truly Schmidt's friend...

And I find it fundamentally strange that you're not a dessert person.

And I found the lamp underneath the afghan.

And I gave her this hat. I'm gonna take this back.

And I get so nervous.

And I got really nervous and I tried to flirt information out of you.

And I got the last turkey in America.

And I got this number that's crazily low.

And I had planned on looking for it.

And I hate it.

And I have more than one book on my Kindle.

And I have my slippiest loafers on.

And I have nowhere else to put it, so happy Valentine's Day, good looking.

And I have to identify him, and all that remains are his private parts?

And I just got out of a long relationship...

And I just wanna sleep in my own bed.

And I just want you to know that, I mean, for me, at least...

And I just, I took a leap of faith.

And I kept making eye contact with her nipples.

And I know there are pros and I know there are real cons.

And I lied to you.

And I like dancing.

And I like having fun at weddings.

And I mean I was literally pulled in here by the glow.

And I miss that feeling.

And I need to go out, okay? We need to go out.

And I owe it all to you

And I quote, "Not the touristy bulls in Pamplona."

And I realized that I didn't wanna work for somebody else my whole life.

And I tell you something

And I think I was living off of selling my own blood.

And I think it's time that I take you on a real date.

And I think Paul has something to ask you.

And I thought that was romantic but it's just so creepy.

And I tried to talk to Schmidt...

And I try on floppy hats for him. You know, it's pretty perfect.

And I use that information to undermine them...

And I wanna cut a bagel, cobble a shoe.

And I want it Beyoncé colored.

And I want it with you.

And I want passion...

And I want you to know, that was the last time, okay?

And I was gonna play basketball and be a gazillionaire.

And I was really confused. You were cheating on her with me?

And I wasn't... Heh, heh.

And I will talk to him, so yay.

And I write songs. We're weirdos.

And I'd like to eat the food you've been making all day, Schmidt.

And I'll be right back.

And I'll choreograph some dances and make a show.

And I'll do it anywhere. All right?

And I'll take my pants off. No, I'll handle this.

And I'm allergic to felt.

And I'm fine with it.

And I'm glad we can talk about this like adults.

And I'm gonna lose her. Oh, God, I can't lose her.

And I'm not gonna be a prize that you get to show off.

And I'm not gonna let any feelings out

And I'm not just saying that because I'm in love with him.

And I'm not officially giving you these pills to manage the pain.

And I'm not really asking permission, I'm giving you a heads up.

And I'm not trying to interfere...

And I'm really good at navigating these situations.

And I'm sorry I don't talk like Murphy Brown. And I hate your pantsuit.

And I'm sorry I kicked you out of group...

And I'm sorry, but your daughter is...

And I'm standing there and I'm saying, "Sorry, officer, I can't help you...

And I'm trying really hard not to get hurt again.

And I've gotten a lot better.

And I've never felt this way before

And I've searched Through every open door

And if anyone finds it...

And if that means moving in with Caroline...

And if you don't like looking at my face, Jess...

And if you don't like that, then tough Tater Tots, tooter.

And if you have a start You must have a end

And if you have goat

And if you wanna get with me, you have to get with my friends.

And is it true that your boyfriend before that cheated on you?

And it doesn't matter that I have gymnastic...

And it feels like someone dropped an anvil on your heart.

And it looks like we have a dance off.

And it was really beautiful. And it made me realize something.

And it was totally unprofessional.

And it's an affront. Look at me now.

And it's an affront. Look at me now.

And it's my word against yours, okay? Okay, yeah. That's fine, that makes sense.

And it's not very good.

And it's something, something, something

And Jess is a total nut.

And just hang loose, man. Okay? If you had a job, you'd understand.

And just sing all the time.

And just summon me for intercourse.

And last night.

And let herself get chubby. Okay?

And live on a sparkly rainbow and drive a unicorn around...

And living in his beautiful, fancy house.

And look at them. They don't know what Saved by the Bell is...

And made no reference that you are naked.

And make sure he stays out of trouble with Caroline.

And make sure he stays out of trouble with Caroline.

And maybe I should just give it another shot.

And mistletoe

And most polyurethanes.

And my bar mitzvah was an amazing event.

And my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch.

And my feet aren't wider than yours, I just told you that to make you feel better.

And my main thing that I took away was:

And my plants. Of course. I would have brought it today...

And nice and fun, so relax.

And Nick and Winston...

And Nick is my lover on the down low.

And Nick's gonna clap.

And no one would give me one. Low credit rating.

And no open bar, Steve?

And nothing else matters.

And now for the first time ever, Mr. And Mrs. Handelman Pyong.

And now I might have cancer! So, no, Jess!

And now we are.

And on the other hand, I'm making all this baller dough.

And one fatso.

And our baby.

And our other baby!

And presents on the tree

And put all that energy into tomatoes.

And put on your stupid flannel and keep not living up to your potential!

And really confused. I'm so sorry to drag you into this...

And Russell, my life is just as important as your life.

And see me?

And she had raccoon hands. Dreams do not count!

And she'd be yelling down at you, saying:

And she's not as tough as she looks.

And she's on top.

And she's the cutest of all my daughters.

And show me a moderately good time."

And slice him off a piece of this pumpkin pie, okay?

And so I'm sorry about last night.

And some Scotch Tape. Searing pain!

And stop being cutesy and whatever, fine.

And take care of those extras?

And take emotion out of it.

And tear out my heart with her perfect, perfect hands.

And tell me what guys like in bed. Right now.

And that doesn't mean I'm not smart and tough and strong.

And that is Winston Bishop, who is our new assistant.

And that just terrifies you. Uh, no.

And that wasn't even the first stabbing this month.

And that's why I can do this.

And the best thing you can think of is Jerk sica?

And the guy who did the Obama poster and, you know, like, Chalk Outline Guy.

And the one figure skaters do, the What's For Lunch, the Give Me That Hat.

And the player's in the city

And the poor thing just went... She went crazy.

And the raisins on the celery? What were those called?

And the turkey is named Hank.

And the wiggly one, and the Bear Attack, and the claws in the head...

And then he gives me his car, just hands me the keys. It's, like, so, ugh...

And then I came home, so...

And then I just love, like...

And then I was a different person and she was a different person.

And then I'm gonna unbutton my shirt.

And then it got out of control, like poison oak, and I just...

And then it's New Year's.

And then she does that.

And then she does that.

And then she just hangs up. No other information.

And then steal it."

And then you would have hurt me all over again.

And then, boom, he's buried in an unmarked grave.

And then, one day, I don't know, man, I just lost it.

And then... And then:

And there was a man in there using the toilet...

And there was, like, this one moment where it was just blinding pain.

And they all chose music.

And they've never felt pain.

And think someone famous stole their idea. I like an underdog.

And three of them were tacos.

And to exercise more. I need you to make fun of me...

And underneath my dress, I'm wearing a pair of your boxer briefs...

And wants to hear some bells. Look.

And we are gonna eat him, so...

And we should stop.

And we won a fictional U.S. Canada war.

And we're falling apart

And wearing a woman's shoes.

And what are the values of the Olympic games?

And what are you laughing at, WNBA? This is what you look like:

And when she's drunk, she has no boundaries.

And when the light is no longer bright.

And when we were 10 years old, I went to the movie My Girl...

And whenever I see it, I get the whoo whoos.

And whip smart, by all accounts. Second of all, don't be so prideful.

And why are you all wet?

And why did Mr. Genzlinger dump you?

And why is your voice so deep like a man's?

And Winston is like this competitive maniac who loves Sister, Sister...

And with a little coaxing, he might fiddle with the old horsehairs.

And with that statement, he never had sex again.

And you are the last person that I wanna cry in front of.

And you can, you know...

And you deserve love.

And you gotta get your stuff back, unless...

And you have a giant cactus needle sticking out of your face.

And you just give up and come home.

And you just make everything messy and horrible.

And you know what? I'm gonna use the remaining 90...

And you know what? It's working because...

And you know what? You're right, and I'm sorry.

And you said, "Someday I'm gonna do this to somebody."

And you weren't ready to admit it to yourself.

And you, well, you sample from the gumbo pot.

And you, you're the really fun teacher girl...

And you'll tuck him in under his blankie and...

And you're going to do and be so many things in this life.

And you're gonna stand next to him and you're gonna smile.

And you're gonna tag the things you want in this Lucky magazine.

And you're like, "What is your problem? Call the police."

And you're on fire, heh.

And you're Sarah's favorite teacher and my husband's favorite teacher.

And you're telling them, "Don't run across my yard.

And you've gotta learn to calm down.

And your beautiful soul. Big, strong Nick. He's a champ.

And your hearts to the youth of America?

And, like, a crescent wrench and, like, other tool things?

And, Nick, why do you have cannons drawn all over your back?

And, quite frankly, you are way out of my league.

And, Schmidt, I hate saying this, but I might...

And, uh, I just wanted to tell you that I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree.

And, um, all I got you was...

And, whatever you do, leave immediately afterwards.

And, while I respect the fact that you listen to Wicked while you're alone...

And, yeah, I was scared to start over.

And, yeah, I'm living with three guys I met on the Internet.

And, yeah, stranger danger is real. But I love these guys.

And, you know, Gina personally invited me...

Another bathroom break, Schmidt? You know, I've been timing you all day.

Any idiot can take care of a cactus, Winston.

Any time at all

Any time you want to

Any time you're up and about, please wear one of these fashion helmets.

Anyone named "Patel."

Anyone who tells you the future of gravy is nitrogen based...

Anytime a man shows how to do something from behind...

Anytime, Schmidt. Anytime.

Anytime.

Anyway, you are gonna love these kids.

Apartment 4D, there's only supposed to be three people.

Apes. They're apes.

Apolo Ohno.

Apparently not.

Apparently, a lot. I didn't know.

Apparently, my business isn't as important as Frankie Muniz's.

Are there women here? Yeah, sure, more than ever.

Are those my shorts?

Are we doing this? Is this real? Like, are you my girlfriend?

Are we gonna be able to hang out with Paul...

Are we gonna do this?

Are we hanging out? That's awesome.

Are we?

Are you actually arguing with me about that?

Are you ashamed of your friends?

Are you barren, Miss Day?

Are you cold?

Are you crazy? I don't want you sleeping with anyone.

Are you defending the man who pushed me into the bushes?

Are you doing here?

Are you done?

Are you even against MS anymore? Beats me!

Are you focused?

Are you gonna be a wuss about things like crabs and bedbugs?

Are you gonna go on, like, a wet towel rant?

Are you gonna keep calling her "Asian me"? It's becoming a problem.

Are you gonna let him go out with Nadia?

Are you gonna murder me because you're a stranger I met on the Internet?

Are you guys pretty serious, or?

Are you in that much pain?

Are you just realizing you don't have game?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me? It is not that hard, people.

Are you kidding me? It's not your information to share.

Are you kidding me? This is in my bones.

Are you kidding right now?

Are you kidding, Nick? What happened?

Are you like the Bourne Identity person?

Are you married or what?

Are you Mick Mouse?

Are you okay? You seem strange.

Are you out of your mind? How do you think this is your towel? Do you wash it?

Are you ready for it?

Are you ready to run? I have my playlist all ready.

Are you really...? Are you arguing with me about that?

Are you running a 10K tomorrow? Who knows?

Are you ser...? Are you serious?

Are you serious right now, Oliver?

Are you serious?

Are you serious?

Are you seriously using the girl I'm sleeping with for free legal advice?

Are you sheepdogging her?

Are you still making excuses for this guy?

Are you sure you want me to...

Are you sure you're okay?

Are you tired of being turned on?

Are you trying to buy our love with hippie chocolate?

Are you trying to end this with me?

Are you trying to rob me?

Are you using your best friend's medical crisis to feel my boobs with your face?

Are you?

Are you?

Aren't you gonna fight for him to stay?

Aren't you gonna miss this, Nick?

Arms up, I need you long and loose like seagrass. Moving, mov...

Around and communicating. Let's get some relax music going.

As a woman?

As his friends, don't you wanna know why he wants to plant tomatoes?

As my business partner, I appreciate you taking the time.

As spending time with her. I'm her father, not her friend.

As you know, I'm leaving, so there are things we need to work out.

As you know, I'm moving in with Caroline.

As you know, it's been a rough year for me.

As you owe me a very large sum." I will pay you the money.

As, like, a battered highway cone. Agh.

Asian Jess, wh... Ow.

Aside from the fact that you responded to our Craigslist ad with a fax.

Ask me anything. Chitchat. Let's go.

At a yard sale for a fraction of the retail price.

At any point during the night did you do your Kermit the Frog imitation?

At least six or seven times a day.

At least the bully is not making fun of that kid.

At night, the whole block lights up with Christmas decorations. It's so beautiful.

At one point we were just following some donkeys.

At one point, I was on the outside of my body watching myself be amazing.

At the same time, you know, just milking away. Just:

At this point in your life, I know you'll never dislike me...

Aw, come on, Jess. Are you gonna be mad at me all night?

Aw! Yes. Okay.

Aw.

Babe, look. I'm in Mexico. I came to see you.

Babe, you got hurt.

Baby backache.

Baby wants a tempura California roll.

Baby wants his bottle, yeah!

Baby, baby, don't cry.

Baby, can you make me a smoothie?

Baby, I don't want anyone to have space. I want to be standing right in front of you.

Baby, I'm in the prime of my life.

Baby, you and me Got a groovy kind of love

Baby, you and me Got a groovy kind of love

Baby. Hi.

Base notes of cocoa because of your brown ness.

Bathroom break.

Bathroom break. Ahem.

Be a grown up.

Be careful with that knife. It's from Japan.

Be honest, jackass.

Be honest. Do my eyes look like poo?

Be nicer to Coach or he's gonna take off.

Be nicer to your ma when she calls. Stop giving yourself high fives.

Be there in a sec, bro!

Beautiful savage.

Beautiful women. You guys can say just about anything, can't you?

Because all I can find in here is body gelato.

Because being chased by predators

Because even if he says it's tantric and you're Indian and you know better...

Because everything is easy...

Because he doesn't wanna hear it.

Because he was fat.

Because he'll just get worse.

Because he's a snappy dresser, the mice don't see the hammer?

Because humans, we're gonna be immortal by 2026.

Because I came with you, so I... Oh. No, no.

Because I can see your party hats right now.

Because I choked him. I lightly choked him.

Because I don't wanna live in a world with secrets.

Because I got that prime rib, yo.

Because I have a penis.

Because I have to sprint from one sexual encounter to another.

Because I just don't want to impregnate the baby.

Because I like you.

Because I love sunsets. Did you know that about me?

Because I met you.

Because I really wanna see you again.

Because I respect you.

Because I think that you are the dopest, flyest...

Because I was feeling kind of guilty because I'm, uh, dating other people.

Because I would like to use my own bathroom now.

Because I'd really like to see herjugs first.

Because I'm a minor. Where is your imagination taking you?

Because I'm feeling pretty twirly.

Because I'm freaking out that you're not freaking out.

Because I'm just so high on endorphins.

Because I'm not leaving you alone like this with all of that.

Because I've been doing the same four for the last six years, like:

Because if people find out, they're gonna have a lot of questions like:

Because if somebody like you is sleeping with somebody like her...

Because if that's what you're saying, that would make me very happy.

Because if they hear a woman's voice, then they send me.

Because if this is what respecting you feels like...

Because if you are, I'll leave this behind.

Because if you did, you would have told me that the small room is the top dog room.

Because if you have the strength to turn all this down...

Because it's gotta be shining somewhere.

Because it's more realistic.

Because it's not your towel. It's my towel, Schmidt.

Because it's something you can't fix. Knowledge.

Because no matter where you go, he could find you. I believe that.

Because nobody can be cool enough for cool Nick Miller.

Because now the entire bowl of walnuts is compromised.

Because otherwise that would be stupid and insane.

Because Sarah is 12 and she is creative. And I don't care if you pull your donation...

Because she asked me.

Because that's what I... Like, a lot.

Because the moment we had was so beautiful and intense...

Because the... The, like, good bread I ate, and the...

Because then you can get that thing that you really need.

Because this starfish is hungry.

Because unlike you, Schmidt...

Because we've discussed this.

Because what I'm doing right now feels an awful lot like closing.

Because you are also a rich white man. And that's okay.

Because you didn't have any structure. Know what I mean?

Because you don't have the courage to be alone.

Because you had... You had fuzz on your face.

Because you like him!

Because you made me feel like I was a really bad girl.

Because you put an Indian in... Never mind.

Because you really need to get out of this room.

Because you two have to make and/or date babies.

Because you want to change him so badly, but you can't...

Because you were trying to tell me that I can't take care of a normal plant.

Because you wouldn't take care of him. He'd take care of you...

Because you're a guy. She does not have a problem with you.

Because you're gonna attempt to kill her by having sex with her?

Because you're gonna miss your flight.

Because you're too sophisticated. Don't do your sophisticated guy.

Because, no, I haven't seen his penis."

Beers and a rosé.

Before you make your decision...

Before you, there was nothing.

Being about timing and it just making sense?

Being good at something. Yep.

Believe it or not, heh...

Benjamin invited us to a very cool party.

Benjamins in your pocket, la pensione...

Bet it was Nathaniel.

Bet you're the bear who has the bed that's just right.

Between you and that 8 year old. Do you want to talk about that?

Beyoncé!

Bidet if I do.

Big deal. Just call him.

Big personality over here, so gonna go...

Bigtime.

Black sedan?

Blah, blah, blah, yawn, yes. I use sculpting chutney.

Blame your period. I've actually done this before.

Blasted with spray during a perfect storm...

Blink twice.

Bonjour, le peen.

Boobies Johnson. "Two Boobs" Johnson.

Boom! Bam! Mm hm.

Both of you. Nothing's smart about what you guys are doing.

Both these machines need toner

Boy, I hope you don't mind the smell of a real man in your room.

Boy, your haircut look like a high rise.

Boyfriend. That's so lame.

Brad. Coach.

Brianna, what happened?

Brief. Small man go to hospital.

Bring it in.

Bro juice! Bro juice!

Bro juice! Bro juice!

Brooke. Hi. Wow.

Broom.

Bucket of...

Buddy, nobody ever regretted throwing an after party.

Budget report?

Burned through a lot of ideas last night.

Business idea. We should buy skaters.

But as a lady, where in the room do I look sexiest?

But can we just take a moment to celebrate me? Schmidty did it this time.

But check it out. I even bought her an engagement ring.

But do you have any actual soap?

But do you know who didn't happen to hear you?

But does anyone else think Nick could stand to lose 5 to 7 pounds?

But first...

But Gwen, you don't know my name, do you?

But he just ignored me and he went back to twirling his fire baton.

But he must set the animal free. That's what's best for it.

But he treats his like a dump. Like a dump.

But he'll always be my husband, if you know what I mean.

But he's the best guy, Cece. Maybe I should just make it work.

But here you are, getting one.

But honestly, I was just gonna use you as a giant meat puppet.

But I am almost positive...

But I am.

But I can also make Saturday or Sunday work.

But I can't cure damaged suede.

But I can't, because I can't get your little, "Aah" out of my head.

But I do hope this is not the last time I see you...

But I do know that if I were her, I'd wanna know what kind of person I was dating.

But I don't think you should run from him.