Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000) - Season 1 Edit

A life threatening emergency?

Actually, I think we can accommodate you right now. Would you like to follow me?

All right, he's paged. That's it.

All right, I want you to...

All right, this is pretty simple, but I wanna make sure that you read all the...

All right, very good.

All right. Do it all the time, and we'll never have to wait.

All these years, I wondered what happened, 'cause I really wanted to work with you.

And again, I'm so sorry about...

And can I meet you at the restaurant, because it doesn't pay...

And Dr. Grambs comes jogging by...

And gives all the good jobs to his white wife's white friends.

And he knocked it off the top off his head.

And I desperately need another one right away.

And I feel like, if I never called you...

And I made some terrible joke about affirmative action.

And I must have put my hand in my pocket and pulled out...

And I specifically said, "No feta cheese." Do they have to put feta cheese in?

And I think we're at some kind of crossroads.

And I want you to know, that I got your number now.

And she interviewed for a job on Sour...

And so I tend not to call, or get together...

And we were talking, and then he ran into his friend, this black doctor...

And you said I was qualified, and then, I didn't hear from you.

And, it's gonna be so... I'll never get out of there.

And, what was the person's name that got that job?

Anything you can do...

Apologizing for nothing?

Are you out of your mind?

As soon as he finds it, we'll get this thing rolling.

At least we got it.

At my club, I got a member guest next month.

At the Byzantine, and I'll get your thing filled...

Because of the vestiges of that experiment.

Because we're not even gonna have a seat until, like, an hour.

Believe me, you don't wanna hear this.

But he said if I take this three times a day, rub it on, it'll be fine.

But I'll have to come all the way back to get you. It's right by the restaurant.

But if I get this filled, and put it on, it'll be fine.

But, somehow, Elaine or Jerry never had any black girlfriends.

Can we turn on the radio?

Can we turn on the radio?

Can we turn on the radio?

Can you come over after dinner, have coffee and dessert at our place?

Can you give me my prescription?

Can't Rosa take you? She drives right by there.

Cheryl and I are going out to dinner tonight. Why don't the two of you join us?

Come on, believe me, it was nothing. You're having a nice party here.

Come on, Larry, please, share with us.

Come on, please, I'm begging you.

Come on, spit it out, Larry.

Dad, I can't talk to you right now! No, I'll call you back!

Did I do something? Why do I have to meet you?

Did you not look at it, Larry?

Do you remember me, Denise Pendergrass? We had a meeting a few years ago?

Do you see my point?

Doctor, you're really the best. What's your address?

Dr. Grambs, this is my friend, Larry David.

Dr. Grambs?

Eat. You got peanuts and cookies. Drinks.

Even with the whole affirmative action thing?

Everybody, this is Larry David, and his wife, Cheryl.

Excuse me, I'm sorry. My doctor called in a prescription for my wife.

Excuse me, sweetie.

For a couple of hundred years, and I'm not even joking about that.

For which I was clearly qualified, because he's a racist, a bona fide racist...

From time to time.

Fuck, I can't. We're doing something early.

Get yourself a new doctor. This guy's an idiot.

God knows, and...

Good evening, sir. Welcome to the Byzantine.

Good evening, sir. Welcome to the Byzantine.

Good evening.

Good, now we're all happy. You're happy, he's happy, I'm happy.

Guys, he's a comedian. He makes funny lines all the time. I overreacted.

He really feels horrible about it, but his wife has this... What's it called?

He said that I have dermatitis.

He says, "Come over to the house." He can't prescribe over phone. It's unethical.

He told me that he's a patient of Dr. Grambs, and I said:

He used to be the president of ABC. Now he runs NBC Studios.

He wants to apologize profusely. The last thing he would mean is that...

He's a dermatologist. The guy I offended today.

He's a liberal, he's like you and me.

He's funny. He didn't mean it.

He's gonna be very proud of Larry, figuring out the navigation system!

He's gonna flip his wig. And he's got one, too.

He's in very good shape, this man, by the way. Very good shape.

He's like a buddy.

He's much better when he has a chance to write it, and look it over.

Hello?

Hello? Dr. Zeppler?

Help yourself.

Hi, I'm Larry David. This is my wife, Cheryl.

Hi, I'm sorry to call you on a weekend. Yeah, it's Lewis.

Hi, it's Cheryl David.

Holy shit! What hit you?

Honey, baby, I'm on the phone.

Honey, enough, darling!

Honey, hello, the Davids are here.

How are you doing?

How are you? Good to see you.

How can a handicapped person use a non motorized wheelchair?

How do you get there?

I agree with him.

I am apologizing for pretty much nothing.

I am extremely attracted to you right now.

I ask you to do things, I ask you...

I can't stop to think about it because I'm starving.

I can't wait to call my parents.

I could call him and apologize. He could phone in the prescription for us.

I didn't lose it, but, whatever. We don't have it anymore.

I don't get along with her...

I don't get that.

I don't have any trip. No, it was joke!

I don't know if it's fair but that's what's stopping me.

I don't know what his trip is, but I can't do it.

I don't know, I just don't think a friend can just bolt from a friendship.

I don't know, I was trying to be affable. I was trying too hard.

I don't know. I gave you the prescription this afternoon.

I don't really see what the benefit is...

I don't think we have a choice. I think we have to call him.

I don't think white people should have anything!

I got accosted by this woman outside the men's room, at this restaurant...

I had a couple of margaritas, but I'm not gonna hold back.

I have to go to the bathroom. I'm gonna have to walk right by that table.

I have to meet Richard Lewis first. He wants to talk to me about something.

I have to say, I'm not real happy right now, because...

I haven't forgotten about you, Mr. Filpot. It's just gonna be a couple more minutes...

I hope we're not disturbing anything.

I just hope you have a very nice dinner. Thank you, Mr. Larry David.

I just hung up with my agent on the phone, without even saying goodbye.

I just was wondering.

I know him, he's a sweetheart.

I know it's a joke, but you sounded...

I know what you're implying, but that's really awful.

I know, and I folded it up, and it was in the same pocket as the $20...

I know, and I wanna try and be friends with her.

I know.

I lived in New York for years, there's a plethora of black people there...

I lost the prescription you gave me earlier this afternoon...

I made a mistake. It was a stupid thing to say.

I mean, it's really, it's an emergency. I'm not kidding.

I mean, you can imagine...

I met with you about that film project you were doing.

I need to help them. I'm lost.

I remember.

I said...

I saw Sour G****s, and the title was very apropos.

I see it in a historical sense, but not in a nice day sense.

I tend to say stupid things to black people sometimes.

I think black people have a mistrust of the medical profession...

I think I gave the maitre d' the prescription.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

I think I'm gonna go to the ladies' room, and put some on.

I think we should be sleeping on the street, eating crumbs, and we should be that way...

I think you better call the doctor.

I thought I was giving you money, and I gave you my wife's prescription.

I was about to say "sister," but I can't...

I was curious about... How long is the wait?

I was just trying to be affable.

I was just trying to be affable.

I was trying to be too affable. I went overboard in my affability.

I was walking along, with my friend...

I watched your show, Seinfeld, for seven, eight years, and not one black person.

I wish it was something.

I'd fall off the face of the earth, and we wouldn't be friends anymore.

I'd rather not take my car.

I'll do it, I love you, I'm doing it...

I'll make a deal with you folks, okay?

I'll remember you, buddy!

I'll see you later on.

I'll see you tonight. Hopefully, we'll resolve, you know...

I'm a schmuck. I did a schmucky thing.

I'm afraid it looks like 45 minutes to an hour.

I'm glad I could be of help. Let's go take a look at that.

I'm gonna call him. I'm gonna page him.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom in there.

I'm just curious as to what you wanna tell me.

I'm making it out to be less, believe me. And he took it the wrong way.

I'm not allowed to call the doctor on the weekend.

I'm not quite ready for you. We need to get straightened out.

I'm on the phone. I'm sorry.

I'm passing it over to you because I'm hoping you'll take it to the drugstore.

I'm so glad you're here. I know, this place is crazy.

I'm so sorry about what happened.

I'm sorry, I was so discombobulated because...

I'm sorry, I'm funky.

I'm sorry. I beg your pardon, what?

I'm sorry...

I'm sure you're making it out to be more than it was.

I've been looking all over, Cheryl. I can't find it!

I've been ordered off the phone.

I've got a couple of other guys. You wanna come?

I've got dermatitis, and it's...

If it goes untreated. I mean, I don't know...

If you call his machine, it'll tell you you can't page him.

If you're not in a hurry to get somewhere, why not?

In telling me in person, as opposed to telling me on the phone. It's the same thing.

In their circle of friends, nobody looks like me.

Is it contagious?

Is there anything that can be done about this?

It is my business!

It is nothing. It's so unimportant.

It is so nice to meet you. Thank you so much.

It sounds interesting.

It was a joke.

It was a joke.

It was a joke. It was a bad joke.

It was beyond awful.

It's 10 days, make sure you take all 10 days. And watch the dairy. Okay.

It's gonna be about 45 minutes to an hour, okay?

It's gonna be about 45 minutes to an hour. You see, we have a backup.

It's gonna be hours before we get there...

It's like... I love your wife.

It's not easy for me to say this. It's been bugging me for a while...

It's so nice of you to do this. We appreciate it so much.

It's telling us exactly how to go to the doctor's house!

It's the Longs Drugstore on the West Side.

It's this dermatitis and it's spreading is the problem, Richard.

Jesus Christ, I'm so fucking embarrassed by all this shit.

Just don't stop. Just keep walking and say hello.

Just get better.

Just get the number, we'll call in the car.

Just need this prescription filled out, as soon as possible.

Just pretend we're blind. What's the matter with that?

Just tell him I'll apologize. I wanna talk to him.

Justin, what did he say?

Justin?

Larry, Larry David.

Larry, thanks for coming out. I know you're busy, and...

Larry, this is Professor Roget from Caltech Physics.

Larry, you're apologizing.

Let us hear about it. What is it?

Lewis.

Like Pat Buchanan's gym partner.

Listen, she has a medical emergency.

Maybe he likes the exercise.

Maybe if you could just call him, and he could call in a prescription.

Maybe it was a blessing in disguise that I did not get that job.

Men's room?

Motor and non motor?

Mr. Brazil.

Mr. Larry David. Twice in one evening. I'm on a roll.

My friends, this is Larry David...

My husband's in the living room. Please, come in.

My shrink actually told me to confront you on this, and I am. That's it.

My wife is home.

My wife's itching, you know...

Near the beach in Santa Monica...

Nice to see you. How you doing? You guys just sitting down?

No, 'cause then we won't be able to hear the navigator.

No, a sister like me can see through things like this.

No, come on, it was joke.

No, go take a hot bath, and I'll be back in 12, 15 minutes.

No, I don't think so. It was completely idiotic.

No, I don't think so. It was completely idiotic.

No, I don't wanna say hello. I don't like those hellos.

No, they take it and put it in their pocket.

No, we're very crowded this evening, sir.

Nothing that I can think of, sir.

Now, in terms of this, it's just two quick shots.

Oh, my God, I completely humiliated...

Okay, everyone. So, Mrs. David, let me take a look at that arm, please.

Okay, I owe you a huge apology. I'm so sorry. When I was in earlier...

Okay, I'll meet you there in 10 minutes.

Okay, just read all the indications on it. It's very important, pay for that up front.

Okay, Mr. Brazil.

Okay, next is Guyaphone.

Okay, we're all set.

Okay.

Okay.

Otherwise this thing's gonna spread, and I really wanna come through for them.

Pay for that up front, okay? And good luck with that.

Please, come in.

Please.

Put in our home number. We'll be home in a minute.

Really?

Right turn ahead.

Right turn ahead.

Security!

She has a medical emergency. She has a tremendous rash.

She really needs it. Do you have it?

She's embarrassed me a couple of times, even in jest, and I don't say:

She's sick and you're not, how's that?

She's very sick, she can't reach her doctor, and she needs to get a prescription...

Should I feel guilty about it?

So let's not worry about it. Come on in.

So, at 6:00, then?

So, I'll get the prescription filled, after I talk to him...

So, if I wasn't black, he would have said the same thing, or not?

So, maybe he's learned a lesson from all this?

So, you been playing any golf lately?

Sofia's on the phone. She'll be off in a second.

Sorry to disturb you at the beginning of your weekend.

Sour G****s, the line producer.

Sure.

Take your money! Nobody bribes a pharmacist!

Take your time.

Thank you so much for having us.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, yes, okay.

Thank you.

Thank you. No, I won't ever call you on the weekend again. Thank you so much.

That is obscene, you know that?

That's okay, the best laid plans always will change...

That's what it is for them.

That's, like, gonna be in the time capsule.

The black guy? He's a dermatologist?

The doctor says you just wanna get your prescriptions renewed on time, okay?

The implication being that I wasn't good enough to be a dermatologist?

The man who refused to hire a sister for a job...

The navigation system! I figured it out, it's working!

The only guy I could think of...

The thing is, we don't know any doctors, or anybody who can help her.

Then none of this would have happened.

Then we'll have two cars...

There's a lot of people interviewed for that.

There's a restaurant two doors down. I'm gonna go in there.

There's no black thing! It's a nothing!

There's no number, you don't have a number! I don't have a number!

There's no tables, you couldn't get a reservation...

They are gonna be so proud of me!

Things are done, right, aren't things done? I hear things are done.

Things are done?

This is a very nice gesture. Tonight?

This is a very pleasant activity. Can you lock me in a toilet after this?

This is like a nightmare call.

This is the thing.

This was for the maitre d'

This was the $20 that was designated for the maitre d'!

This way has no options. You gotta do this the whole time.

Until we came in, so, believe me... My advice to you, go back, because...

Wait a second. What about Richard's friend?

Wait. So what number do I put in?

We did, but the guy knew my wife, that's all it was.

We don't even know if the guy's gonna be home or not.

We haven't even ordered, and I'm dying.

We'd like to hear it.

We'd like to hear it.

We'd sit there for eight hours.

We'll have dinner and then we'll go right to the drugstore.

We'll tell you what it was, and then we can move on.

We're on a waiting list.

We're out of options, really. Honey, come on.

We're very interested in hearing what you have to say.

We've been driving all night because I had a prescription...

We've had quite a time tonight, and I really appreciate you...

What did the doctor say?

What do you mean, "The whole affirmative action thing?"

What do you think?

What is that about? Is it a black thing with Larry David?

What is this?

What, for 15 years already?

What? A problem? What are you talking about?

What? You're kidding.

What's the point to it? To me, that's your big priority.

What's the worst that could happen?

What's wrong?

Whatever I do, it's always coming from my end...

When he introduced me to Dr. Grambs...

When I tell my father I figured out that navigation system...

Who preferred not to work with any black people under any circumstances...

Why do you have a problem giving somebody like me a job?

Why don't we just call your doctor?

Why don't you call your doctor?

Why even joke about it?

Why would I have the $20 on me?

Why would you even make a joke about that?

Why, because all those people are still waiting?

Will you hang up the phone?

Women are attracted to criminals, and they do that all the time.

Yeah, but, you and I, we had a rapport.

Yeah, hold on, what's the number? Okay, thanks.

Yeah, let's try that.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, we wanna have dessert. We'll come over for dessert and coffee.

Yeah, you can say that again.

Yeah. Just about to order.

Yes, we're going over to Richard's anyway.

Yes.

You actually think that's fair? I mean, this is my girlfriend.

You can do both. You want exercise or the motor, you got it.

You can't call my doctor on the weekends, unless it's a life threatening emergency.

You could do that. Just walk around, cut in line any time you want.

You could pick up my prescription when I ask the first time...

You didn't happen to see a piece of paper here earlier?

You don't call me. I'm always initiating.

You don't have to back up. I don't think it's contagious.

You have to stop. You can't just say hello, and walk on.

You know what?

You know what? I'm so glad I ran into you.

You know what? You don't wanna get too close to me right now.

You know, 'cause...

You know, I hear things are done.

You know, Richard, I've worked too hard and too long at this. I can't do it.

You should go through the middle of it...

You think you can bribe me? Do I look like I can be bribed?

You were like James Earl Ray today, with this guy.

You'll find it in a trash can, right through those double doors.

You're gonna leave this restaurant to go use the bathroom somewhere else?

You're not just doing this to... I appreciate it, but she's part of my life.

You're probably having a very stimulating conversation...

You're unbelievable.

Zeppler, yes, we got that.

45 minutes to an hour. No way to get in...

6:00. Okay.

A friend of your wife. A black friend? No.

A little white prescription piece of paper? No.

All right, Larry. Come on, just share it with us, Larry.

Are you happy? I'm very happy.

Are you in favor of affirmative action? Completely in favor of it.

Are you trying to bribe me? No.

Barry, a friend of yours? Friend of my wife.

Because... I've got a skin problem right now.

Call the AAA. Just get better. Thanks so much.

Can I be honest with you? I hope so.

Come on, let's not beat around the bush. Come on, let's go.

Dermatitis. Dermatitis, and what?

Did you apologize? Of course I apologized.

Did you hear that? Yeah, I did hear it.

Enjoy your dinner. Okay!

Exactly. Absolutely.

Get out, right now! I'm sorry.

God Almighty, I can't believe I said that. I think I might have overreacted.

God Almighty, I can't believe I said that. I think I might have overreacted.

Good. How you doing? Nice seeing you.

Great. It's done.

Haven't we seen this? I've seen men do it in movies.

Hello. Hi! Who are you talking to?

Hello. Hi.

Hey, Ted! How are you?

Hi, how you doing? Mrs. David, a pleasure to meet you.

Hi! Hey!

Hi. Hello.

Hi. Hi.

How about going to an emergency room? No, are you kidding?

How you doing? Okay.

How you doing? Hey, man. Good to see you, man, what's happening?

How'd you get that? What is it? I have no idea, it's a virus.

I can't call him on the weekends. It's hard to bother these people.

I don't know. What's he gonna do, kill us?

I thought we were going to dinner. No, we are.

I'm gonna go pick it up. Do you want me to go with you?

I'm on the phone, just one second. Just hang up the phone.

I'm on the phone. You have to get...

I'm pretty impressed. Come on, give it to me!

I'm really sorry about this. No, don't be sorry.

I'm sorry for making you do it. We really appreciate it.

I'm sure you get used to it. Can't he get one that has both?

I'm very, very impressed. I really am. No big deal.

is your friend from... The dermatologist. The guy from today? Justin?

It felt like the $20. How could that happen?

It's Sofia, it's your girlfriend. Sofia?

Let's just go back to the restaurant. Oh, my God!

Let's try something here. What are you doing?

Men do this, right? I've seen men do it.

My prescription? Yeah, 'cause look...

Nice to see you again! Nice to see you, too.

No problem. The problem is...

No, I'm paying in advance. Are you trying to bribe a pharmacist?

No, that's not it. No, that wasn't it.

Okay, thanks. All right.

Okay, that's fine. Okay?

Please. "Daddy, I'm not so stupid!"

Really? Yeah, and I'm starving.

Really? Yeah.

Really? Yeah.

Richard Lewis. Get off.

Right now we're very full. Nothing else can be done?

She's scratching, she's broken out all over. I understand, sir.

Thank you so much. Christ.

That's 'cause it's criminal. Is it?

That's why I haven't been calling. She's an extension of my life.

There's Ted Harbert. Who's Ted Harbert?

They were folded up, they felt alike! Didn't he look at it?

This is a very important call. Mind your own fucking business here!

This is my dermatologist. Really?

This is my wife, Cheryl. This is Ted Harbert. Hi.

Wait a second. Did you find it? Do you see it?

We had a bit of a problem here. Relax, we'll talk it out.

We'll get it taken care of. Thank you.

We're a friend of Richard Lewis. He called. Yes. I'm Donna.

We're not really gonna be able to stay. What do you mean?

What do you mean? It was a joke.

What happened? I was with Richard Lewis...

What is it, we'd love to hear it. Why not?

What was said, we'd like to hear it. We'd like to know.

What was... Barry.

What you're saying is terrible. What I'm saying is...

What? I forgot it.

What's wrong, you don't like him? He just makes the worst small talk...

Where have you been? Sorry.

Why do you wanna do that? 'Cause I wanna make up, start all over.

Why would you do that? There's a $20 bill folded in my pocket.

Yeah, playing okay? Yeah, so so.

Yes, I remember. That's right.

You called up and that's what it said? Yeah.

You could scratch yourself to death! I feel like I could scratch myself to death...

You have a little plan? I got a little plan.

You heard me say it, right? I did hear you say it.

You know what? Sea bass.

You want me to get in the can? Lf that's what it takes, Larry, I guess, yeah.

You'll do that? Of course, are you kidding?

Your name? David. Yeah, Dr. Zeppler.

'Cause we had a really nice meeting. You said my resume looked great...

"Can't disturb the doctor on the weekend.

"Do you understand, Norman?"

"Don't call the Dr. Zeppler...

"Done"? I don't understand.

"I don't wanna be your friend anymore."

"I don't want you getting up from your chair.

"Norman, is somebody calling?

"Norman...

"on the weekend unless it's life threatening."

"This better be life threatening, or you're not gonna leave this house!"

"unless they were burned in a fire...

"Who's calling? We're in the middle of dinner, Norman!

"Won't ever call you on the weekend." My God, what a jerk this guy is.

"You let him work on you even with the whole affirmative action thing?"