The Adventures of Baron Munchausen (1988) Edit

A diamond.

A doctor?

A mere thousand odd miles away?

A public servant.

A sweetheart, once I had

A wager!

Abandon ship!

Accept my challenge.

Act four is set in an abattoir.

Adolphus, find the sultan and shoot him!

Adolphus! Gustavus!

After my

After my return from Egypt...

Aim!

Albrecht and Gustavus will provide the major themes to the battle...

Albrecht, row for the shore!

Albrecht, this is Sally. Sally, Albrecht.

Albrecht!

Albrecht's useless!

All of them gone for good.

All right! Dinner is served!

All right. I'm coming.

All right. You take the baron.

All the time! Me!

All their wives, children, sheep, cattle.

Always taking risks far beyond the call of duty.

Am I dead?

Am I or am I not the elected representative?

An experience which I don't hesitate strongly...

And a separate agreement for overtime!

And all their cats and dogs.

And Berthold.

And buckets of blood!

And could never resist a wager.

And expect me to follow you to the ends of the Earth!

And for all those ladies...

And from that time forth...

And get back here quickly.

And he can save us!

And he is...

And held me in high esteem.

And his little friend over there Sally.

And I am the god, so shut up!

And I didn't precisely fly.

And I was blown towards the waiting jaws...

And I'm delighted to say that I have no grasp of it whatsoever!

And if you succeed...

And let's seize the day!

And lug heavy things about.

And now you come back, just because it suits you...

And oceans of wine.

And rescuing ten of our men held captive by the Turk.

And simply press the button.

And sin

And so, as the sun rose...

And so, with the help of my inestimable servants...

And so...

And stupidly incredulous fellow countrymen...

And that which I don't know, I create.

And the other.

And the world is evidently tired of me.

And then a cannonball on the way back.

And then I'll never know the end of the story!

And these...

And this is Gustavus...

And those soldiers saw him too!

And though it seem a terrible shame

And warming the fields of smoked salmon...

And we're trying to stay alive!

And who consequently come to a very sticky end.

Answer me!

Are my giant employees

Are you all right?

Are you hungry, my darling?

Are you scared?

Arrest them at once.

As a matter of fact, you are.

As far as nectar of the gods go.

As ignorance and conformity!

As much as the strongest man can carry.

As you can see, the sultan is still after my head.

Attack!

Awfully cruel to be kind

Aye! So! It's treason, is it?

Baron Munchausen isn't real.

Baron Munchausen, at your service.

Baron, I must get back to Roger before he notices I am headless!

Baron, let me explain it to you.

Baron, where are you?

Baron!

Baron!

Baron! Berthold!

Beautiful ladies.

Beautiful ladies.

Because I'm tired of the world.

Because it's all logic and reason now.

Because it's all logic and reason now.

Being in tune with every molecule in the universe...

Berthold, make yourself useful!

Berthold, run!

Berthold, your old servant! Remember?

Berthold, your old servant! Remember?

Berthold!

Besides, there are more important things.

Blast!

Boo!

Bring a doctor! Quickly! Fetch a doctor!

Bring it down.

Bring them back!

But allow me to say that you excel in beauty...

But he can't! Berthold can hardly move!

But he did.

But he is Baron Munchausen!

But I assure you...

But ill luck pursued me...

But it's madness. He'll kill himself.

But not Baron Munchausen!

But of course!

But of course!

But seriously, without me, there would be nothing. Not even you.

But things look black Business is slack

But why? Why?

But you don't say anything! Why you don't say anything?

By beautiful women all the time

By single handedly destroying six enemy cannon...

By the grand Turk...

Bye, body!

Can we go now?

Can't you let me die in peace once in a while?

Can't you?

Careful.

Careful.

Casting long shadows through the sausage bushes...

Certainly fallen prey to delusions of grandeur.

Characteristics that were to cost him dear.

Climb aboard. Give me your hand.

Climb into my hair.

Come and see the ballroom.

Come back soon!

Come here.

Come on, Berthold!

Come on, boy.

Come on, dear ladies! Forward, the players!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on! Faster!

Come on.

Come on. Sit down.

Come out. Come out of there.

Coming!

Could you make that four?

Curtains!

Damn it, man! Make yourself useful! I can't do everything!

Damn thing seems to have gone out.

Darling Baron!

Darling, come out!

Darling, don't be jealous!

Darling, I'm going to drive you to China!

Darling, you love this! I know you do!

Darling. Take me with you.

Delicious!

Did I...

Did you enjoy that?

Do I hear the baron?

Do I hear the baron?

Do I hear the baron?

Do not open the gate!

Do something! Save him!

Do you know where the rest of the gang are?

Don't be stupid.

Don't catch cold! Au revoir.

Don't fret! The town is in no immediate danger.

Don't interrupt. What is it?

Don't leave me, Baron. Please!

Don't leave me, Baron. Please!

Don't you see?

Don't you?

Down there.

Eh?

Empress of all the Russia's...

Enough nattering. Keep pumping!

Ever since you were last here on the moon!

Excite you?

Excuse me a moment.

Excuse me!

Excuse me!

Excuse me. May I introduce you to Baron Munchausen...

Execute.

Fetch me my radish club!

Find my extraordinary servants...

Fire!

Fire!

For cucumber trees...

For spreading ridiculous tales at a time of great danger.

For while it has been my privilege

From halfway 'round the world.

Generations of theatrical expertise snuffed out...

Gently this time.

Gently.

Get away!

Get him off!

Get me down!

Get off me!

Get off!

Get that powder under cover!

Give me a hand.

Go away. Clear off.

Go slow!

Good boy.

Good lord! Berthold!

Grab the rope!

Grasp for the mantle!

Gustavus!

Gustavus! Again!

Gustavus! Blow them back to Asia Minor.

Hang on!

Hang on.

Have him executed at once.

Have you any famous last words?

Have you ever been to the moon?

He can't be dead!

He did it!

He doesn't look very perky, does he?

He is dangling from the food chain, and I am in the stars.

He jumped onto a cannonball.

He really did! And he flew miles up into the sky!

He won't get far on hot air and fantasy.

He's asleep. I can hear him snoring.

He's Baron Munchausen.

He's dead.

He's dead.

He's gone funny.

He's just out of practice.

Head down!

Heaven!

Heaven's sake. Don't you get any younger or I'll have to find a wet nurse.

Hello!

Hello!

Hello.

Hello.

Help me.

Help!

Help! Guards! Murder!

Here comes my midget manservant...

Here we go.

Here, boy!

Here! Tie this to the end of it.

Here. Watch this.

Heronomous Carl Frederick, Baron von Munchausen live and breathe...

Hey, I know you.

Hey, wait! Stop! Don't go!

Hey! Tickley! Tickley!

Hey. Better report this.

His highness the sultan loved a good wine...

His highness, the sultan...

Hmm. That sounds nasty. Is it contagious?

Hold it, Adolphus!

Hold on! Oh, you play a trick?

Hold your ground!

How are your legs?

How can you become a great actress like me...

How do you know?

How do you mean?

How great to see you! What are you doing here?

How many people have perished in your logical little war?

How on earth? It's marvelous to see you!

Humbug, Your Majesty.

Hurray!

Hurry! Quickly now!

I absolutely utterly refuse!

I accept.

I always feel rejuvenated by a touch of adventure.

I am a goddess! I can do what I like!

I am free again. Free to concentrate on higher things.

I am omnipotent!

I am overwhelmed.

I am the Baron Munchausen, and I won't be made a fool of!

I am the cause of this siege.

I am the cause.

I am Vulcan, the god.

I am, alas, unable to offer you so splendid a gift.

I bend and stretch and ply my trade

I can assure you that

I can dance.

I can end it because I began it.

I can't believe it! This is miraculous!

I can't keep this up forever!

I can't remember.

I can't swim!

I defeated the Turks and saved the day.

I despise you! Let me go!

I didn't fly miles.

I do.

I don't have time for flatulence and orgasms!

I don't want the treasure.

I find it. We play "head and seek."

I gathered you for that purpose.

I gave my word I'd raze the siege and save the town.

I got lips again, and I'm going to use them, baby!

I got you at last.

I got you now, Baron!

I hate that face you make me make. That

I have been composing a short opera.

I have learned from experience...

I have learned from experience...

I haven't finished! Don't leave now!

I haven't got the treasure anymore! I spent it!

I hope you'll be very comfortable. Ciao.

I just created spring.

I just know.

I knew I'd find you on the moon.

I love these! I tickle you till dawn, darling.

I love you!

I make a baron brochette! Sybil!

I mean What?

I mean, I gave it all to charity.

I merely held on to a mortar shell in the first instance...

I must apologize for this most dreadful occurrence.

I must inform you, My Liege, without my adventures, you wouldn't be here.

I never lie!

I never really wanted to be big and strong...

I now know I want to be dainty and sensitive.

I only did my best, sir.

I order you to arrest that man at once!

I see a lot of slapstick.

I see we're not in a very helpful frame of mind.

I shall prove a head does not need a body to survive!

I sincerely hope so.

I spy with my little eye...

I think the ship's abandoning us, mate!

I think there is a volcano on it.

I think, therefore you is.

I thought you loved me for myself!

I thought you wanted to die.

I told you there was nothing to worry about.

I want you to help us fight the Turk again.

I will reveal the true cause...

I will set forth immediately...

I won't have it!

I won't have it!

I won't have you wiggling at philanderers, you floozy!

I'll find you, Baron! And then I kill you!

I'll get on with it!

I'll have to douse the fire to let you down.

I'll never eat fish again.

I'll treasure it.

I'm a modern man

I'm a modern man

I'm a modern man

I'm afraid, sir, you have rather a weak grasp of reality.

I'm back in business.

I'm back!

I'm Baron Munchausen.

I'm blind! Wait! My kingdom for a handkerchief! Wait!

I'm doing my best.

I'm free at last! The body is dead!

I'm free!

I'm going to take you back to Earth to help us fight the sultan!

I'm in here.

I'm just coming into my prime!

I'm just on the cusp between Romeo and King Lear.

I'm not lying! Am I?

I'm sorry, but we have to go soon.

I'm sorry, I don't find that funny. Do you?

I'm still in one piece!

I'm sure you'll be very uncomfortable.

I'm terribly sorry about the show. One or two minor setbacks here, sir.

I'm tired of it.

I'm too rough. I knock it off? It's around here.

I'm usually on the winning side!

I'm very tired. Good bye!

I'm willing to supply arms and equipment to anyone prepared to pay the price!

I've been stuck here for over 20 years!

I've got all the time in the universe! You hear that?

I've got something here for you.

I've got these shackles on.

I've just been expelled from a state of bliss.

I've never before been in such a disastrous rout!

I've never seen so much rubbish in all my life!

I've no idea. Some old lunatic.

If he discovers my head's with you

If I don't succeed, you may cut off my head.

If we begin attacking in two directions simultaneously...

If we don't escape.

If we don't get on with it, he'll throw us to the Turks

If we go down now, we'll land on the Turks.

If you lie and cheat

If you want to see Baron Munchausen again...

If you weren't so competitive, you wouldn't get so upset!

If you'll only do me the courtesy...

Illuminating the tops of the honey trees...

In bed with my body, of course.

In fact, so delighted was he with my company...

In the South Seas.

In very trying circumstances.

Is guilty of treason!

Is he still here? Will you get rid of him, for goodness sake!

Is it really you?

Is no escape

Is now ruling and governing the known universe.

Is we've dropped through the center of the world and come out the other side...

Isn't it beautiful? It's like a dream come true.

It is hard to believe my body and I were ever attached.

It is so unmetaphysical. No! No, go away!

It isn't like it used to be.

It reminds me of my school days in England.

It seems solid enough to me.

It was all a long time ago. Who cares?

It was her!

It was more like a mile and a half.

It wasn't me! It was him! You big pintle!

It's "M" for monster!

It's all coming back.

It's an insult! An indignity!

It's Berthold!

It's called, "The Torturer's Apprentice."

It's either you or me

It's important that you win

It's impossible to find better.

It's intolerable!

It's just part of the king's lunacy.

It's me! I'm your elephant of joy!

It's me! The baron!

It's moving!

It's music.

It's no good fighting it.

It's not my fault if they're crazy enough to slaughter each other!

It's the baron!

It's the dawning of the age...

It's the demon of the deep!

It's the sultan's army!

It's Wednesday.

Jealous! I'm not jealous!

Jump!

Just a lock, cocky. Not the whole carpet.

Just hold it! Don't let it go!

Keep

Kills the enemy.

Kindly be so good as to remove your knickers.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Ladies and gentlemen...

Ladies! Please!

Laws of this, that...

Lay up and win

Let it out!

Let me go! I've got tides to regulate! Comets to direct!

Let me in!

Let's have a nice game.

Let's put him there.

Lies!

Life is rather like a game

Listen, cocky. We've got a show to do.

Look at all that underwear.

Look at all that underwear.

Look for him!

Look!

Look! An island!

Look! They don't believe it!

Madam.

Madam...

Making people all afraid

May I introduce my friend Sally?

Mayday!

Most of you won't remember me or my adventures...

Moustache.

Moustache.

Multiwarheaded Nuclear Missile.

My darling.

My dearest.

My life.

My old friend, you seem to be in some discomfort.

My public will kill me for dying at a time like this.

My wife.

Naturally! Where else would I get it?

Nice, isn't it?

No doctors.

No doctors.

No head to hit!

No place for me.

No place for three legged cyclops...

No place...

No wonder you're so quiet.

No, girls! Don't split up on me now!

No, honestly! He is!

No, it isn't!

No, thanks. It's okay! I don't need him!

No!

No.

No.

No.

No. I couldn't do that.

Not bad? My dear Munchausen...

Not bad.

Not late, thank you very much.

Not one tittle.

Not the folly of fantasists like you who don't live in the real world...

Not yet.

Nothing to do with your acting.

Now it's your turn.

Now please leave us!

Now stay in here or I shall lock you up.

Now what?

Now you're lying!

Now, Baron. Who created who?

Now!

Of a whale of such prodigious size and length...

Of accepting the word of a gentleman...

Of course I'm unfriendly.

Of course.

Of frilly silk and lacey linen :

Of lovely, intimate things.

Of their provincial and narrow minded...

Of this war.

Oh, blast! Sorry, chaps.

Oh, brilliant. Oh, very good. Bravo!

Oh, come back!

Oh, I see.

Oh, it's so embarrassing.

Oh, my Wednesday!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Where is your head?

Oh, no!

Oh, no! Not more giants!

Oh, please don't apologize, Mr. Salt. I'm sure you're doing your best...

Oh, stop it! Oh, I'm tired!

Oh, they're dead.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Same old baron!

Oh, you missed me!

Oh, you won't want to miss this aria.

Oh, you'll love it. It's a comedy.

Oh! Damn!

Oh! Take a lock of my hair.

Oh! Well done.

Oh. What about the virgins?

Old fool! You're ruining the show!

On the Moon.

Once I had a sweetheart

Once I had a sweetheart

Once I had a sweetheart

One day, after a sumptuous dinner

One or two little technical problems.

One who is extremely large and strong.

One with exceptional eyesight.

One with superb hearing and powerful lungs.

Open the gates!

Open the gates!

Open the gates!

Or close our minds up with inventions, death and fear.

Otherwise, it's all quite wrong!

Over the island of Cheese...

Perhaps fate wishes me...

Please be reasonable.

Please don't look. Maybe he will go away.

Please, oh! Oh, you stinking horrible man!

Please!

Please! Put the baron down!

Please. Forget the virgins.

Please. Please, no! I don't want any more bodily functions!

Poor darling, if you get blown to pieces?

Prepare a rowing boat and be ready to leave.

Pruned any noses recently?

Quick! Back in the fish!

Quick! Jeremy, Bill, do something!

Quickly!

Quickly! Bring those guns out!

Quickly! Let go!

Quickly.

Quite wrong!

Re di Tutto, but you may call me "Ray."

Ready.

Regroup!

Requires a great deal of concentration.

Right o.

Right, Berthold.

Right!

Right. Follow me!

RX Intercontinental...

Sally, this is Adolphus, who used to be able to hit a bull's eye...

Sally, you can dance, can't you?

Sally?

Save us!

Science. Progress.

See the end of him.

Send for the executioner!

Sensible, civilized agreement...

She was the truest

She will give you a bottle of wine. Bring it straight to me.

Should have been slowed by a rising cushion of warm air.

Show them how it should be!

Shut up, you trollop!

Since you were last here, I, that is my head, that which is left of me...

So it would seem.

So it's agreed. Friday, the 28th...

So, Mr. Jackson.

Some bits here, some bits there. I have a plan!

Splice it to the ends so that we may continue our descent.

Steady!

Steady.

Still the rational man?

Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it! Come down!

Stop them!

Stop this nonsense at once!

Stop this travesty! Stop it!

Stop!

Such as?

Surely this time there

Sybil! Don't desert me now!

Take aim!

Take care of Sally.

Take care of Sally.

Take care!

Take cover!

Take his weights off.

Take this to Vienna, to the empress.

Thank you very much, Your Ordinaryness. Off!

Thank you. It'll be a pleasure.

Thanks to you, we're to be thrown to the Turks!

Thanks, squire.

Thanks!

That a modicum of snuff can be most efficacious.

That a modicum of snuff...

That a passing zephyr should waft me here.

That he offered me access to his harem.

That I could not, even with a telescope...

That is outrageous!

That is what I had in mind.

That is why having you on the loose, Baron, does not help.

That was last time!

That's enough of that! You stop it!

That's horrible!

That's it!

That's it.

That's it. The end. It's all over.

That's not music.

That's right. You've got to mangia before bacio!

That's the way.

That's why he's a baron and I'm a prole.

The baron's kissing your wife.

The body is dead! Long live the head! It's finished!

The curtain

The curtain rises on a typical everyday torture chamber.

The first act didn't go quite as we would have liked.

The flag's still flying!

The gates will remain closed.

The goddess.

The king and queen are charming.

The king! I must go!

The licensing of this theatre.

The little girl because you're my favorite.

The man's a buffoon.

The most probable explanation if you're not a sceptic

The name's Desmond, mate.

The only lasting peace is one based on reason and scientific principle.

The only lasting peace is one based on reason and scientific principle.

The peasant assault is over. Everyone is quite safe.

The real one!

The staff used to get paid on the dot every thousand years.

The sultan will cut off my head!

The town is perfectly all right.

The trouble is their heads and bodies don't always see eye to eye.

The truth is...

The Turk is outside, and we are not about to surrender.

The Turks are about to storm the walls.

The Turks are about to take the town.

The waves!

The waves! You've stabbed my vitals!

Then you just tell me why it says, "Henry Salt and Son."

There are certain rules to the proper conduct of living.

There goes my revolting body with the queen.

There he is, Sybil.

There he is, Sybil.

There is so much, much more.

There to attempt the education...

There's a light.

There's no more rope.

There's no one on the rack but me

These are my stakes. What are yours?

These days I find you have to be

They are true.

They call me their midget down here. I love it. It's bliss.

They can look after themselves.

They'll tell you!

They're inviting us to defeat them.

They're trying to escape.

Things are difficult as it is without emotional people rocking the boat.

This blackguard's an impostor!

This cage isn't real.

This is a good omen, what?

This is all your fault!

This is precisely the sort of thing that no one ever believes.

This is Venus.

This isn't a joke! It's a wager!

This isn't going to work.

This lot expect them every century.

This man obviously needs a doctor.

This sort of behavior is demoralizing for ordinary soldiers and citizens...

This theatre's closed. I want you and your company out of the city.

This way, my friends!

This way.

This, sir, is the Right Ordinary Horatio Jackson who just happens...

Those actors have made an air balloon.

Those leg irons are to slow you down. Stop you tearing off all over the place.

Those scoundrels! I won't put up with it!

Those were the days! Aye?

Thousands of miles away from the battlefield...

Three knots.

Thrown them out of the town.

Thrown them out of the town.

Tickling her feet.

Time's nearly up, I think.

To be winning the war and saving the city.

To recommend.

To teach the sultan a lesson or two.

To whom I am indebted for half a ton...

Treason!

Treasurer, allow my friend here to take from the treasury...

Uh, please. No, don't. Please.

Use your trumpet!

Very clever. Great.

Wait, Sybil!

Wait! Come back!

Wait! There they are!

Wait! Where are you going? Come back!

Wait. Please!

We are totally incompatible.

We beat them!

We begin with the arrival of the eunuchs' chorus who sing...

We can fix the details later.

We can't open the gates, sir.

We can't start escaping at a time like this.

We cannot fly to the moon. We cannot defy death.

We cater to all sorts here.

We did it!

We have no more of that, piccolo Casanova.

We heaved anchor

We heaved anchor and set sail!

We heaved anchor and set sail.

We might as well give up now.

We must face the facts.

We must oblige them. On the count of three!

We need a very simple plan. These are far too complicated.

We need some help.