Archer - Season 10 Edit

A captain cares about her crew more than herself.

A dirty mutineer.

A dirty traitor in our midst.

A five man bunkhouse stampede?

A giant spaceship radar system thingy.

A goddamn spoondown her throat"?

A good idea.

A great time to hold it in.

A hundred years? That's, like, forever.

A man eating jungle and suddenly I'mthe asshole?

A proximity [rumbling]

A remarkable illustration

A rescue plan as we speak.

A rock musical about the Teapot Dome Scandal.

A ship robot if he can't even make

A shithead ex of minehad one as a pet.

A six? Then what's a seven,

A skip and a jump.

A sunk cost at this point.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Move!

Abbiejean.

Aborting docking sequence.

About all the good we did

About the human with no penis?

According to the First Law of Robotics,

Actually, it's "whom."

Actually, let's see where it is.

After letting out a fartyou've been holding in all day?

After that sexual Iditarod?

After the Great Flood of the Mupak Valley?

After we board the ship, knock out a couple

After you stole my cargo?

Again, hard to tell with you because of your...

Ah, ah, ah!

Ah, that was beautiful.

Ah, yes. We got dragged in and swallowed whole.

Ah! Lana: Oh, shit.

Aha! Potentially deadly.

Ahh!

Ahhh! Ow!

Aim it up out of the galactic plane,

Alien battle cruiser schematicson his sick day.

All new, Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.

All new, Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.

All new, Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.

All new, Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.

All new, Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.

All new, Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.

All new, Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.

All new, Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.

All of this, Lana, is totally necessary.

All right, already!

All right, calm down. We aren't spending the rest of our lives

All right, Jesus. I'm doing it.

All right, let's shoot you into space.

All right, me hearties, open up!

All right, that's the last of them.

All right,let's go find that thing.

All right. We've trained for this.

All right. Well, I'm gonna go

All the bones from his body.

All the games can stop now.

All the lives I've saved,

All the priceless filling out of that cube.

All this time?

All: Archer!

All: Drink, drink, drink, drink!

ALL: Holy shit.

ALL: No!

All: Whoa! Ow!

All: Yeah. Yeah, what happened?

Also laying gross eggs. Pretty much constantly.

Also, do you see any polyps?

Altair Beta's not the best neighborhood.

Alternatively, we can die in space,

Always "glass half full."

Always beenabout you and me.

Am I supposed to lure those creeps

An intergalactic humanitarian mission

An internship or something?I'm very sneaky!

An outlaw space pirate with you!

An outstanding account to settle.

And after they killed all the crew, they just...

And also I can barely move.

And also intercourse.

And also: what?!

And ate all our food.

And back into the hole.

And back to the "Seamus" beforewe explode in a million pieces.

And be my widdle deputy?

And because of my heroism,

And being stretched into a thin strip of matter,

And came directly to the mess hall.

And collect anything that might help us get out of here.

And culturally complexcivilizations.

And distract that thing while everyone else gets away.

And doesn't show anything

And don't insult my intelligenceby lying to me.

And everything will go back to normal.

And everything.

And find the distress beacon.

And for God's sake, show some restraint.

And get the heck out of here?

And get the hell out of this dump.

And get this sucker ready to blow out of here.

And guess what? I won't.

And her whole crew killed?

And here you are, talking.

And hola explosivo.

And howl at the shadow of death itself.

And hyperspace somewhere that is not Earth.

And I actually... I don't really

And I can confidently say that the object poses

And I don't recognize this kangaroo court's authority

And I don't want the ship bad enough

And I guess just try to make your fights look real,

And I have read your complaints.

And I just realized he's probably a she.

And I mind that this ship is doomed

And I must tell you sorry, what was your name?

And I never looked back.

And I promise, the entire galaxy will hear it.

And I say let's go!

And I thought you guys might need some supplies.

And I vote Pam.

And I'll be damned if you'll accuse me...

And I'm coming with you.

And I'm good at being a captain.

And I'm not out of either.

And I'm pretty sure it was my own pulverized skeleton.

And I'm sure we can allagree on this

And I'm while I'm gone,

And if anything, I would be co sheriff.

And if we're looking for salvage,

And if you can temporarily de ass your head,

And ignoring you.

And is it just me, or was that shaved head thing

And is the defendant ready to proceed?

And it could generate enough heat

And it fires at wildlyunpredictable intervals!

And it seemed...relevant.

And it was excruciating.

And it's right...

And jump two systems away

And just kill that thing, Sterling,

And just what in my own personal hell

And keep him down here

And kind of in a hurry!

And let me tell you, these little devils

And let the culling begin!

And let you pursue your deepest wishes.

And let's all split up.

And let's go already!

And let's keep it simple for now.

And like I said, I'm a pretty huge deal.

And make you act out your deepest desires.

And maybe that'll buy us some time

And maybe we said and did some things

And meet us outside the ship!

And meet you at the dock.

And mostly electromagnets,

And mutiny, both capital offenses.

And my delivery's fine.

And no one else canbuckle swashes like me, so

And not coming up with a plan.

And not get yelled at!

And now I'm a two.

And now you want to put more stress on the ship

And open the door?

And others killed themselves to escape my bloodthirsty wrath.

And possibly haunted ghost cube

And radio the order when he's at a safe distance.

And rage inducingpharmaceuticals!

And realize you're hallucinating me.

And save you the trouble of shouting my name

And see her not just as your mother

And see how many things I canrhyme with "soul sucking" and...

And set our course for a galaxy

And shooting people in the neckwith darts

And so, Mr. Archer,

And somehow it hasn't noticed us.

And speaking of good news,

And starting a new life.

And statues in my honor.

And suddenly you look like a pack of Okies

And that gives me the courage to change.

And that it'sfindies keepies.

And that was a very pretty bug, if rude,

And that was no Tyrannosaurus rexyou saw.

And that's actually a pretty huge deal.

And that's distinct from...

And that's gonna help you catch this thing how?

And that's how that conversation ended.

And the cloaca blooms.

And the fuel cell's ruptured,

And the good news?

And the lives we saved throughout the universe?

And the other is that I'm crazy.

And the regenerative DNA.

And the rest of my crew's... dead?

And then get rid of these eggs.

And then get up to the bridge.

And then space taco.

And then we're just gonna haul ass to the gig,

And there are some thingsyou can't unhear.

And they skipped it just to hurt my feelings.

And they're here. Nice work, Tav.

And they're working together, and they're cutting us off,

And third, Cyril's picked up a...

And this blithe optimism is based on what, exactly?

And this is my area, so...

And throw something at him.

And totally killing our earballs!

And tow it to the ship.

And try to find out what inthe hell's the matter with him.

And watch your muzzle, will ya?

And we are going down.

And we can probably go ahead and make that

And we should take a duffel bag, or...

And we thought, you know, that we'd...

And we'll leave this portion of the galaxy

And we're back.

And we're married to that title?

And we're together.

And wear one of those green visors.

And weirdly not a dick.

And when this is over, you can punish me

And where does that leave Pam?

And who knows? Maybe you'll win it back.

And why is it that you don't care about starving?

And why wasn't that the first thing?

And yet you had the time to stopand make a cocktail.

And you bang that thing one more time,

And you're mygruff but loveable

And you're preventing that.

And you're talking to me about cherries?

And your hair!

And, follow up, why do we have

And, hell, I'll even throw in your ship.

And, I'm sorry, have we all forgotten

And, more importantly, a sizable bonus for us.

And, oh, my God, TV's Michael Gray?

And, on a personal note, whoever gets this,

And...eating perfectly good magazines.

Angry what?

ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.

ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.

ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.

ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.

ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.

ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.

ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.

ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.

ANNOUNCER: FXX presents Archer 1999.

ANNOUNCER: FXX presents Archer 1999.

ANNOUNCER: FXX presents Archer 1999.

ANNOUNCER: FXX presents Archer 1999.

ANNOUNCER: FXX presents Archer 1999.

ANNOUNCER: FXX presents Archer 1999.

ANNOUNCER: FXX presents Archer 1999.

Another glass in here,

Any chanceyou're gonna tell us what it is?

Any further distress. I'm fine, Your Honor.

Any hoo...

Any questions? What the

Anyhoo, just hang tight.

Anyhow, then, as they died, we'd eat them.

Anyone else suggesting anything.

Anyone have an idea

Anyway, it was a hard pass.

Anyway, the important thing is I'm okay.

Anyway, the Tristan was on

ARCHER (on comms): Goddamn it, Cheryl,

ARCHER [laughing]: Oh, m... oh, man.

Archer, Lana, you go find this thing.

ARCHER: [laughs] Got nothing.

Archer: [laughs] I have I have no idea

ARCHER: [laughs] Woooooo!!

Archer: A Dri'n attack barge.

ARCHER: All of this is necessary.

ARCHER: All right, Cyril, while we're gone,

ARCHER: Altair Beta?

Archer: Closer to ten. [sighs]

ARCHER: Damn it, Krieger, why'd you have to wake her up?

ARCHER: For God's sakes, Lana,

ARCHER: From where?

ARCHER: Incoming!

Archer: Is it? Oh!

ARCHER: Jesus,

ARCHER: Lana, there's nothing logical about shaving...

ARCHER: Lana.

ARCHER: Like, is this a "Your Majesty" type deal, or...

Archer: No, no, no, no [dart thwacks]

ARCHER: Obviously.

ARCHER: Oh, God.

ARCHER: Okay then.

Archer: Okay, here's the plan:

ARCHER: Okay, Krieger, we clear?

ARCHER: Okay, we will talk about this later.

Archer: Pretty much my whole life,

ARCHER: She said, while both talking

ARCHER: Shut up, Pam. But in doing so,

ARCHER: So, not to start this off on the wrong foot,

ARCHER: Uh, we've got a little problem.

ARCHER: Way ahead of you.

ARCHER: Well,

ARCHER: What's that supposed to mean?

ARCHER: Whew.

ARCHER: Whoa, w whoa, w... wait a minute.

ARCHER: Will you quit screwing around?

ARCHER: Yeah, Bort.

ARCHER: Yeah, I d...

ARCHER: Yeah, speaking of

Archer!

Archer!

Archer!

Are gonna fetch me a pretty good price

Are just gonna have to stay on board.

Are just parched. [snarling]

Are the people ready to proceed?

Are the peopleokay with him

Are we hosting a quinceañera?

Are you even serious right now?

Are you gonna shoot this goddamn thing or what?

Are you guys getting that?

Are you kidding me? Sit down, sir!

Are you sure? I've got awhole series of quips about it.

Are you surethis is an air vent?

Are you... You're as bad as she is.

Argh!

Arr, this is Space Pirate Cheryl. Go ahead.

Article Nine, in re attempted murder

As a cool way to cover screwingup the assignments.

As little as possible, muchacha.

As previously discussed.

As the loneliest gal at the Monsters' Ball.

As you think it's going.

Asteroid storm.

At a couple thousand miles per hour

At how little they respect you.

At its heart,

At least it means we're not totally lost going in circles.

At midnight on a Sunday?

At some point, it is your fault.

At some point, you really got to ask yourself...

At that thing anymore.

At this goddamn kangaroo railroad.

Attempting to murder me

Autopilot is out!

Aw, Archer.

Aw, man, I can't fight you guys.

Aw, my moment.

Aw, poor guy.

Aw, thanks.

Aw. Wait a minute.

Aw. We're all winners in my book.

Aww, balls.Mine's broken too.

Aww, but no moisture,

Aww, look at them!

Aye, aye, Captain.

Back to normal. You can't quit me, can you?

Bad news is, that thing's not going anywhere.

Barely a saloon.

Barely functional alcoholism.

Barely got out with the power core, and oh, right

BARRY [chuckling]: Wow.

Barry 6, out.

Barry 6: Hey, asshole,

Barry 6: Wait, what?

Barry Six?!

BARRY: Do I look like I'm joking?

Bawk! Bawk!

Be a hitter, big un. And have fun out there.

Be contained in such strange dangly skin bags?

Be fun to walk through.

Be that as it may,

Because female voice: One.

Because everyone you picked is spectacularly wrong

Because I command it. All is well.

Because I had a shitty divorce lawyer.

Because I locked youin a room! Ha ha!

Because I sure don't.

Because if I told you once, I told you

Because if they punch in the wrong combination,

Because it's always space goo with you.

Because it's insane and we will die.

Because it's presided over by a male prostitute.

Because look at you, Pam.

Because prior to my current circumstances,

Because she has no impulse control,

Because that's where the money is,

Because these things do not like you.

Because they do not make good husbands, Lana.

Because this is me we're talking about.

Because this sets up my big reveal.

Because this whole thing is a sham and a farce,

Because welcome to the freak show.

Because whatever this thing is,

Because you know [grunts]

Because you misunderstoodits gestures?

Because you told me to shut up.

Because you two were about to violate quarantine protocols,

Because, meatbag, I don't think it's funny

Because, well, Pam.

Bee boo boop.

Before Krieger uses it to mutate us all into,

Before that tyrannosaurus whatever shows up for seconds?

Before you're engaging?

Beg them for mercy

Being a courtesan on a salvage ship?

Besides all the normal stuff

Besides pissing it off even more!

Best birthday party ever.

Best friends? But they work for you.

Better sharpen those chompers.

Blind luck, you are my spirit animal.

Boom! Wordplay!

Bort the Garj?

BORT: Do what?

Bort's, exactly.

BOTH: Aah!

Brace yourselves for obliteration!

BRETT: Ooh, hold on guys,

Bring it back here, and everything's space jake.

Bring it, bird.

Bring me the biggest goose in all of London!

Building to a loud, yelly, final last point!

Burn.

Burt: You can't grow up.

But as a person... [belches]

But definitely the chewing up part.

But don't we deserve that once in a while?

But first you have to trust us.

But fulfilling the purpose of my existence

But Funbeak has so much more to give.

But how would people know what I did to save you all?

But I always want to do that.

But I could try to back calculate it

But I do have an idea. Captain Price, you said

But I guess they're not dead, right?

But I hope we can put all that behind us and...

But I promise you,whatever it is, we'll fix it.

But I shall see you in the next." Good?

But I suppose you're right.

But I'd like to explode now.

But I'll bet it's something disgusting.

But I'm still on the fence.

But I'm thinking of eating your feet.

But if you experience some stuff, then explode,

But if you leave Lana here,

But in your final moments, you can be remembered

But it has its shareof diversions.

But it is entirely nongermane

But it might be nice to have a plan B.

But it was definitely dead when I finished.

But it's It's gone.

But just get Krieger ready with his weapons,

But know that serving my fellow man...

But maybe we should just eat the eggs?

But no, I will not gorge myselfon a highly addictive substance

But now it seems I'll have to settle for

But now, thanks to your loud as shit ass...

But only if you modify Benedictso he stops laying eggs.

But remember here you go

But speaking of things that are hard as a rock...

But stop doing it is what I'm saying.

But that could cause anything.

But the experience!

But the war I was created to end in fiery apotheosis

But then the rations ran out and, one by one,

But they make you feel amazing!

But this calls for someserious swashbuckling,

But wait what will we eat?

But we do think real hardabout them.

But we're gonna figure out what to do.

But what are the odds their pilot was that kick ass?

But whatever it is, I'm sure it's Archer's fault.

But whoever finds itgets to keep it.

But you know what people say?

But you sure seem to have a lot of energy

But you swore to me we'd go back to Earth.

But you think there'll reallybe a plus sized pirate onboard?

But, most of all,

But, oddly, I find a limpid rush of passion in myself,

Butt plug looking piece of shit!

Buy a girl a drink first.

By bludgeoning themselves in the back of the head?

By reason of insanity.

By TV's Michael Gray.

Call it a one way vacation to the void.

Call it an intermezzo, but maybe it's worth it?

Call your next witness.

Calm down.

Can anyone hear me?

Can do all those wildly different tests?

Can I talk to you... please?

Can we just get to the point? Cyril, did you find food?

Can we maybe call her back at a, uh,

Can we please figure out how the hell

Can you please focus?

Can you stay here for just a few minutes?

Can't believe we were so wrong about you.

Can't have anything nice.

Can't these bastards stayin the cargo hold?

Captain of the starship Tristan of Coralia.

Captain Price, for the final time,

Captain, I am so sorry to hear that.

Captain, you're coming with me and Pam back to your ship

Captain's orders!

Carol and Lana!

Carol? Carol!

Carry the two...

Cause of accident:

Chasing that space dragon. Rawr! (chuckles)

Cheated, cuckolded, straight up stole from,

CHERYL (lazily): * Twinkle, twinkle, little star *

Cheryl, can you step in here

Cheryl, listen to me. We have to go in there.

Cheryl: Everybody was against Ranch Tub!

Cheryl: Ew! No, of course I didn't.

Cheryl: I can't, I smashed it.

Cheryl: I don't know all the types of whale!

Cheryl: If a whale puked it up, duh.

Cheryl: Lightweights.

CHERYL: No!

CHERYL: Okay, pro: all my stuff is on board,

CHERYL: So now

CHERYL: Stop yelling at me!

Cheryl: Ugh, we need you to walk us through disabling

CHERYL: Um, so I guess I'll just wait out here, then,

CHERYL: Why are these guns so freaking loud?

Chew you up and spit you out. Well

Chicken butt, Barry!

Choo choo! Krieger!

Cleaning your nuts out

Clearly castrated version of me

Come and get it, space dicks!

Come on, already! What are you, hourly?

Come on, are we not doing that? [door hisses]

Come on, come on, come on, come on!

Come on, come on, come on, come on...

Come on, did the groundwork for Copernicus.

Come on, if we're gonna do this, let's do it already.

Come on, little buddy.

Come on, you mother humpers.

Come on! I was about to do my finishing move.

Come on.

Comes out of your mouth.

COMPUTER: Warning: unknown vessel approaching.

Con. (sighs) I'm gonna have to keep doing

Conceivably, we could hook up our generator

Concluded without me.

Cork it, electro nuts.

Couldn't we Malory, we need to move.

Couldn't you have kicked a higher number?

Created by an extinct alien race but never used.

Cripple pirate activity in this sector.

Cthulhu's older,shittier step brother?

Cut an ulcer in this thing, and zorp our way out of here.

Cut the damn thing open and

Cyril [whining]: Him? What about me?

Cyril, find anything?

Cyril, I guess just keep being useless.

Cyril, Ms. Archer, keep scanning for those scavengers.

Cyril, no, no, no, no, no!

Cyril, on guns.

Cyril, Pam, Carol, grab a weapon,

Cyril, right? Come over here.

Cyril, stop trying to kill yourself.

Cyril, what are you doing?

CYRIL: "And finally, to my crewmates:

Cyril: Full of what, gin and tonics?

CYRIL: Greetings, Rat Racers.

CYRIL: It it isn't.

Cyril: Jeezy Petes, you really arecrazy!

CYRIL: Lana!

Cyril: Lana... You are not...

Cyril: Now that doesn't look right.

Cyril: Oh, God. Malory: Ugh!

Cyril: Out of my way! Cheryl: No, no, no, no!

Cyril: Ray, thank God. We need your help.

Cyril: Ray! Fine.

Cyril: Right in the foot! Eh.

Cyril: See, this is what I'm talking about.

CYRIL: Space snails

Cyril: We can hear the ice clinking.

Cyril: We only have eight minutes!

Cyril: We're inside the ship, so no.

Cyril: You said turn off the radar.

Cyril's definitely been to those kind of parties.

Cyril's trying to kill me!

Daddy's here.

Damn it, Archer.

Damn it, will you quit smashing me... Ow!

Damn it!

Damn it!

Damn it! How does this beast stay alive

Damn it! Okay, Carol...

Damn that's catchy.

Damn, I had something for this.

Dead [coughs] alien [coughs] in [coughs]

Define "anything."

Designed by a race to whom mutual destruction

Destroy you.

Dibs! Dibs, dibs, dibs, dibs.

Did someone leave the fan on in the bathroom again?

Did unleash my deepest desire.

Did you do this?

Did you fart in my stasis pod again?

Didn't you come out, like, years ago?

Didn't you pass outthe brochures?

Do we mind? I mean, I could go either way.

Do you have any blast charges on your ship?

Do you have any thoughts on teabagging?

Do you hear me?

Do you just live in doorways now?

Do you know howto disable a radar system?

Do you literally want to become lunch?

Do you really want to live the rest

Do you want me to bring along string and a can?

Does anybody's ass look good in a flight suit?

Does he still collect those little spoons?

Does it bother you that it's watching us?

Does this thing havean off switch?

Doesn't inspire tons of confidence.

Doesn't matter. Okay, so

Doesn't reflect great on you.

Doing both our jobs.

Doing his stupid plans.

Doing nothing.

Don't call me fish! And I didn't write my code,

Don't ever tell them I said that.

Don't have dicks.

Don't just start blasting awaythe second you

Don't look at me!

Don't make things worse than they already are.

Don't step on my line, fish!

Don't stop. We got to act like we're fighting

Don't suppose you have a ship model number?

Don't worry, my child.

Don't you just crave its sweet release?

Don't you think you could use a bit of a...relaxer?

Done anything about itif it did,

Doppel what?

Doppelganger multiverse theory?

Dot, dot, dot.

Down in the spek mines.

Dri'n bastards. Krieger, blast door.

Dri'n dak! Dak txakurrak!

Dri'n fighters inbound.

Duh, of course we have to go in there.

Duh.

Easy, Debbie Downer.

Eat dicks, Barry Six.

Eat eggs and nothing.

Eating off brand cereal.

Eh.

Eh...

Engage, MF ers.

Enough heat from the fuel rods that the Zarglorp spit us out.

Escape pod launched.

Especially me.

Especially when we're going a thousand miles per...

Especially yours, Lana.

Even I know that was stupid.

Even if we carefully rationed out the scraps here,

Even my little ocelotbud bailed.

Even though you're kind of mean

Ever happens in a place like this.

Everybody brace for initial thrust.

Everyone did know it was my birthday

Everyone, hang on!

Everyone's acting weird,

Everything can wait.

Exactly. Wait, what?

Excuse me?

Excuse me?!

Face it, Lana. Angry'sbasically your default setting.

Fall back to the escape pod.

Fame is a fickle mistress, huh?

Female voice: Collision.

Female voice: Danger.

Female voice: Detonation in

Female voice: Detonation in 15 seconds.

Female voice: Detonation in 60 seconds.

Female voice: Detonation in ten...

Female voice: Detonation in two minutes.

Female voice: Five... Yes, Barry, I am.

Female voice: Four... I'm huge.

Female voice: Ignition. [explosion booming]

Female voice: Krieger cannot override it.

Female voice: Proximity alert.

FEMALE VOICE: System failure.

Female voice: Three... Not what Framboise said.

Female voice: Two... Oh, really?

Female voice: Xenomorphs detected.

Female voice: Xenomorphs detected.

Female voice: Xenomorphs detected.

Figuratively. Hopefully.

Figure out a solution to our starvation problem

Figured out the power problem!

Finally!

Fine! Yes! I went space crazy, okay?

Fine. Know what?

Fire up the old plasma torch,

First of all, that's my ship.

Fix anything damaged in the crash.

Fly away, you idiot! Fly away!

For 16 years, I was a Federation High Court Justice!

For a second there, I thought maybe the booze

For a starving person.

For all the good you did

For all we know he's a Trojan horse.

For being sucked through a black hole's event horizon

For black market deals.

For emotional distress?"

For example, my love of musical theater.

For having terrible taste. What is that?

For its long range scanners to pick us up.

For Lana to actually, you know, die.

For my purse? I know, right?

For older divorced ladies.

For once in your life?

For our next contestants, a couple of furious females,

For recreational use.

For taking it out.

For the actions of the people we sell weapons to!

For the job.

For this witness? Not at this time, Your Honor.

For what it's worth, I would have liked being

Found the cherries.

Found this one nibbling on a power cord.

Free you from mental blocks

Freedom to what, become a human Jimmy Buffet B side?

Freeze frame.

Friggin' Bort.

From half ass to quadruple ass.

From talkingso I can sleep!

From that ELE on Vantaur Five,

From that time we were on Toba Station.

Full of murderous Dri'n pirateswithout me.

Funbeak will try again. Did you hear the one

Funbeak will...

Gather all the scraps of food that are left

Get His Highness some more cereal right now?

Get out of here.

Get out of my way! No! [all groaning]

Get set.