Archer - Season 6 Edit

A black guy would be better than no date,

A child, I just realized, who's probably on her way up

A fat widdle baby, yes you are, yes you are. [Crying]

A ha! Maybe it is good for something.

A mandatory meeting at 7:00 A.M.?

A pathetic cheese farmer

A quart?

A salad bar roof on it,

A severe head injury on impact.

A very small town, in Nagano prefecture, but

A whole different word for it.

A woman named Lana, who got pregnant.

A ya!

A ya! [Cymbals crash]

A.K.A., me, Sterling Archer. Oh, yeah.

Aah.

About 500 miles from you.

About a little thing called confidence. And contrary to

About as rare as getting called up to the majors

About being a father when A.J. was born?

About getting phrasing back in the mix.

About me saving the lives of eight other climbers

About the communists?

About the staff meeting? Oh, right. Yes. Never mind.

About this exact thing we're doing right now.

About your dirty old junk touching mine...

Absconds with my child and she'll call me back?

After having sex with a prostitute.

After he literally stabbed me! In the back!

After I shoot you in the face.

After we rescue Pam. Now, shut up.

Again, I'm actually Canadian.

Agh, son of a

Agh, thanks jungle.

Agh! Well, you could have said that!

Ah, so you did know.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah... oh, yeah, right down that road.

Aha. And also ah who?

Aiyah!

All right, I'd call this... a qualified success.

All right, pick it up, people!

All right, Virginia Slim. You're

All right! Jesus Christ!

All right. So we can make... I guess this will be a... Black Mexican?

All the equipment you'll need

All these stories about what a badass you are,

All your fault!

Although "enjoy" is maybe a bit strong.

Although actually yes, how is A.J.?

Although he has nailed his backstory.

Although I prefer the term "cleaner" to "assassin."

Although now that I think about it, this whole thing is totally her fault.

Although that can't bode well.

Although, I assumed there'd be a bar.

Although, no.

Although...

Although...

Am I right? Come on. They should call it a...

Am I strapped? No, homie, I'm not.

America, and the Empire of Japan.

An experienced climber like you said you were!

An extremely difficult climb tomorrow, guys,

An important assignment for us, which I'm sure

An ounce gotta go out.

And [Sighs] Can you promise

And hush. And what operation

And "B" through "Z",

And "no" is what I'm saying.

And also shit!

And also between us, okay? Because your mom likes to worry, A.J.,

And also kinda racist.

And apparently he's doing quite well.

And as we speak is up to his eyeballs

And besides, we don't need cell phones. We have a

And boosh!

And bottomless vin rogue.

And bully for you. Give it here.

And casually say, "Hi"!

And Cheryl is Cheryl.

And eat whenever?

And either way... I say we say he's dead.

And even if I were,

And exactly what are you doing with those bags?

And find out who the damn target is!

And for the record, being stuck in an elevator

And for what possible reason?

And get them to safety before the rest of these

And get us a motel room.

And hang on. Excuse me, are you and I gonna have a problem?

And happier and stronger than ever.

And he was an astronaut,

And here's your office, Ms. Archer...

And how about this renovation, huh?

And hundreds of crevasses

And I actually have some thoughts on that,

And I assume that's the only door, so...

And I believe the phrase you're searching for is...

And I need to borrow a shirt.

And I object to the term "babysit," because clearly I am not a baby.

And I resent you making me feel like that, so...

And I said hang the frickin shit on!

And I thought a real one would help me get into the character better.

And I want to smoke, so...

And I'm actually Canadian, not Irish.

And I'm already babysitting

And I'm not really in the mood for a WD 40 and coke.

And if anything happened to them,

And if I wanted to make you jealous

And if it gets on my suede boots

And if the rest of you will follow me,

And if you harmed one single hair

And if you screw it up,

And if you try any funny stuff

And if you two dopes didn't screw up

And if, huge if, you're gonna be involved,

And increasingly impatient for his bride to be's arrival

And Ireland was not an Axis power!

And is this...

And it doesn't strike you

And it wasn't "Japanese whorehouse."

And just where, exactly, were you hoping to smoke that cigarette?

And Lana, try to look actually, yeah. Matronly.

And let's get this extraction going.

And liquor and their therapist's cock.

And literally the most fattening thing

And meet the extraction team within the next two hours,

And Michiko Ishikawa, from Japan. Konbanwa.

And mother and Slater and the CIA are idiots for trusting him,

And now you are gonna follow me.

And of course your mother would do anything to impress the CIA.

And on top of that, we've got, I'm guessing, two flasks of bourbon.

And poop related septicemia!

And prosecutors and bankers and generals all over the world,

And run out into the snow.

And she asked me to be a bridesmaid.

And since when are you elevator boss? Birth?

And since you are

And since you obviously didn't read the mission dossier

And so basically, the only thing keeping you

And so Conway's plan

And some of which merely resembled it.

And speaking of toast, I don't know about you guys,

And that makes it better.

And that's A.M.?

And that's not just because

And that's pretty sacred to us, so...

And the CIA told mother the target has killed judges

And the rest of you, I can't see any benefit

And the second, on Nagasaki.

And the Soviet invasion of Bessarabia.

And the tea.

And then all the remaining ones?

And then are safe.

And then I'll be in charge of rationing it out.

And then it plummets down into the basement,

And then just waltz in here like you never left,

And then sit here sipping amontillado sherry

And then try to talk the stewardess into a handjob.

And then you are gonna apologize

And then, also, cover me, please.

And thermal underwear?

And try to reach her!

And two bivvy sacks! But that's okay,

And two, I'm talking about A.J., Lana.

And two, what's more impressive,

And watch this...

And we boing into that giant spring

And we gotta hurry. A storm's coming!

And we spent an entire year as coke dealers?

And what are you doing in the window?

And what are you laughing at, stroker ace?

And what fresh hell is this?

And why do you have a baby?

And why do you know so much about elevators?

And why? Why do you have the baby?

And you did blow up the plane?

And you got Slater in on it? With the fake blood?

And you must be our late reservations.

And you own a 500 acre dairy farm in upstate New York,

And you will be civil and polite.

And you will not let her push your

And you, my tweedy widdle

And you're just a regular Sylvia Browne.

And you're kind of a mean drunk.

And you're scared that we'll figure out you're actually just a Krieger clone.

And yours. What? Krieger hasn't!

And, also, several bullets, so

And, I don't want to sound racist,

And, Krieger? Coffee?

And, not only am I a secret agent,

And, not that it matters, also black.

And, trust me, it would be no place for a baby.

And, uh...

And, whose fiance dumped him,

And...

And... why are you telling me this?

Anyway [Sighs] his cover's been blown.

Anyway, he needs an extraction from

Anyway, I bet the top of the car smashed

Anyway, I doubt the robot has any bourbon,

Anyway, I need to go get one out of a plane

Anyway, I was walking him into a CIA safe house,

Anyway, if you don't wanna spend the next year

Anyway, until I find the leak and plug it, I need you to babysit him.

Anyway, you didn't ask if you could use his...

Archer comes in to save her,

Archer, if you do that again

Archer, just Or you!

Archer, shut up. You're gonna be okay.

Archer!

Archer!

Archer! Do something!

Archer?

Archer? Archer? Archer?

Are fighting together for communism.

Are gonna have to establish some ground rules.

Are smashing around in here like crash dummies,

Are we not on the same side?

Are you a mind reader, too?

Are you crazy? That's cashmere!

Are you finished?

Are you guys so frickin' excited?

Are you happy?

Are you out of your shitting mind?

Are you really her boyfriend?

Are you strapped?

Are you tired of constantly

Argentina's using it for leverage,

Argentine intelligence is onto him,

Arn didn't even know she was alive.

As "Brazilian minstrel show meets Trading Places"?

As a woman scorned. Lana, remember?

As did I, but I was betrayed

As I was saying, before you, Pam,

As if...

As in, you're dumb, and you dress like a waiter.

As is that.

As opposed to?

As U.S. Marines attack the Japs

As, like, a tablecloth or whatever.

Asimov's three laws of look,

Assho

Asshole!

Asshole! What the hell?

Asshole.

At her coworkers!

At least give me the gun.

At the bottom of the elevator shaft,

At the rehearsal dinner,

At the thought of responsibility

Aur kya?! Bakri chowd ... oh!

Aur kya?! Bakri chowd sewer jinn!

Aur kya?! Bakri chowd sewer jinn!

Avalanche! Whoo hoo!

Aw, maaan...

Aw, son of a bitch! What's wrong?

Aw, you're absolutely insane.

Aw! I'm not saying nothing.

Axis power Germany...

Axis power Italy...

Ay!

Ay! Coronel!

B but, what about Michiko?!

Baby A.J.!

Barry?

Because Cheryl.

Because he's a frickin' cyborg.

Because I dunno what your plan was with that gun,

Because I feel like a total dick.

Because I had a very specific vision,

Because I will straight flush your brains out the back of your skull!

Because I'm afraid it'll hurt your feelings.

Because I'm the one that ripped of Conway's hand?

Because I've been lost at sea.

Because if it gets on these boots,

Because if you don't retrieve that computer

Because it's gonna hit 70 below,

Because Katya broke up with me!

Because no one else is here yet.

Because of the snacks, ya dickholes!

Because right now I'm going to explain

Because that's where over 80 pct of home accidents happen.

Because the next time you use

Because time's a bit of a factor.

Because we are out of Axis powers.

Because we, you and I,

Because what kind of sick bastard

Because you don't want me drinking liquor?

Because you jeopardized his mission.

Because you need help with the baby and you can't call Lana,

Because you'd give me a lecture on it.

Because you're a large diameter dickhole.

Because, how did you lose a baby?

Because, if anything happens to me, and

Because, turns out, you actually know this operator.

Because, you jackass,

Because...

Becoming a parent against my will.

Beep, boop, boop, boop! Come on, cyborg.

Before driving around in a car with your infant daughter!

Before I go home too much to ask?

Behind buildings,

Behind the bar. And quit yelling.

Behind the goddamn grain elevator" Olerud!

Behind whatever gay strip joint

Believe me, I tried.

Besides a place to blow farmers,

Besides snow?

Besides what Arn's balls taste like?

Besides, I'm not a CIA schoolgirl.

Big enough to hold a computer!

Big whoop, hang her in a bear bag.

Boom! Priapism!

Bowel or otherwise.

Breakfast. Hey, hey, wait a second.

Breaking into Ms. Archer's apartment

Broke the elevator somehow, we're stuck at the top.

Brought to her knees by the explosion

Bulletproof.

Bullshit, my asshole.

Buonasera.

Burn!

Burn!

But and the implied threat here

But damn, wait. Okay. So, an astronaut

But Power through it.

But She's dead,

But "Kane" obviously spelled

But a bunch of his former colleagues were waiting for us.

But actually, without the honey and lemon

But all I have is tequila and coffee liqueur.

But all we have is breast milk...

But all you care to eat prime rib!

But Archer hosed me, and I don't have a sitter.

But are we married to Abbiejean, or...?

But do you know how to make eggs Woodhouse?

But for God's sake, six weeks is long enough.

But how did they know where the...

But I assure you, Mr. Archer, this is all very real.

But I bet you call before then!

But I didn't eat any...

But I don't know about those clams, though.

But I gotta tell ya, Farooq's not seeing it.

But I guess the letters could use a touch up.

But I just wanna say,

But I'm not sure if that's an accurate analogy.

But I'm talking about us flying on the same plane, Lana. What if it crashed?

But I've got other shit to do today.

But it almost would've been cheaper

But it's all just the same as it was.

But it's probably too late now, so...

But mini bottles?

But no, guess who she asks instead?

But now he wants to come over to our side.

But now you have a chance to right that wrong,

But now... can I assume you're CIA?

But obviously didn't know I was on to them.

But only as an inevitable consequence

But seriously, how in the hell

But she doesn't need to, because when you're with me, kid,

But shut up, just get A.J. outta here, I'll take care of the rest.

But since I'm stuck in here with you people...

But that technology doesn't exist!

But that was before I had a child, a child you threatened to harm.

But the safety brakes to stop it.

But there's about four feet of new wet snow

But this place is safe, though, right?

But we will take the mission, won't we, Sterling?

But we're alive! And you never let

But whatever badass shit that you heard I did,

But when you do... please shut up...

But why would you do this?

But would you mind keeping A.J. for the

But you could have gotten the disk yourself.

But you know you're no prize, right?

But you've got to pace me,

But, someday.

But, uh, that can't be good.

By a lying little country music wannabe.

By Argentine special ops on standing orders

By being out of position?

By hitting on this idiot beard face sweater model,

By Lurch from the Adam's family.

C'mon, c'mon...

C'mon, if you've climbed it...

C'mon, people, let's move!

Call 911! Call 911!

Called a schedule.

Calm down, Ike Turner.

Can I even wear shoes in here?

Can I just say one thing, before we get into all

Can we please put a pin in this?

Can we talk about this later?

Can you believe that shit?

Can you believe this other shit?

Can you see anything?

Captain shit nuts!

Carol, shut up.

Carol's got crippling claustrophobia.

Check out mah beard!

China, too. Called the Cold War.

Clean the jizz out of your ears, jizz ears.

Clinging to her dead and shriveled body

Coldblooded.

Come on, Archer, that's us.

Come on, come on, come on. Oh, keep your panties on.

Come on, Cyril. For most of us,

Come on, to that Nazi freak's lab!

Come on, what happened?

Come on! Of course you do. You just drank a 40!

Come on! Pam, stop it!

Come on. We're not gonna put a couple of untested rookies

Come out and play.

Come to what

Conway, shut up and try to look semi presidential.

Cool Honda scrambler Japan, or

Coronel Lando Calrissiano, de Las Fuerzas Especiales,

Could I possibly embarrass you?

Could pass for a Latino to get us in.

Crash has a bad feeling about one of the other climbers.

Crazy son of...

Cyril, come on. Hand on the Bible,

Cyril, let's get that sweater vest off, buddy.

Cyril, look How about this?

Cyril, secure the child.

Cyril, shut up. You shut up!

Cyril, what is that? Is that a bagel?

Dammit, Pam.

Dammit!

Damn it, Carol. There's nobody

Damn it, Ray, hold the frickin' door!

Damn! How creepy! Damn!

Day after tomorrow.

Define "soup."

Dibs on snacks.

Dickhole.

Did Archer seem a little, like... scared to you guys?

Did reality set it?

Did red dawn happen and nobody told me about it?

Did she dump pig's blood all over you at the prom?

Did you look in here?

Did you mean ?

Die Totenspitz...

Do not move! Don't move!

Do they? Oh my God, no!

Do you know what I would give to have seen her grow up?

Do you people think you're doing?

Do you wish there was a way to not keep constantly

Does that mean Barry possibly, literally froze his nuts off

Doesn't even make sense.

Doesn't strike you as unnecessarily complicated?

Doesn't work for you!

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.

Don't yell at me, I didn't lose her.

Don't you think she'd be better off if she were a...

Down this trail, and

Drank a third of a gallon of malt liquor,

Duh!

Duh. Me, too.

Dukes!

Easy! Hey! Hey! Pam, stop that.

Eat a buffet of dicks.

Eat a dick, blizzard.

Edie dogging you out in front of the entire school.

Edie, cut me down!

El Presidente de Brasil y su esposa!

Elaborate voicemail hoax

Elevator phone! Cyril, try that.

Err! Fine, but

Espere.

Esposa Grande.

Even for me, that was pretty lucky.

Even in a new dress, you look like ten pounds of shit

Even the damn phone is the same.

Everybody calm

Everybody shut up, because, spoiler alert, this is a baby.

Everybody stay put, keep the weight spread out!

Everybody stop talking! Trying to make a phone call!

Everybody's got a hole that needs to be filled.

Everything else is in plastic bags.

Everything is the same.

Ew!

Ew. Ew.

Ew. Of course it does.

Eww, which would make it a Rusty krieger.

Exactly like the old one did!

Exactly. That's the whole point.

Except for that Formula One team.

Except for you, Milton!

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Eye, idiot, eye.

Fast forward to me buying her liposuction

Feel that, she feels chubby.

Fifteen thousand feet of some of the most dangerous climbing in all of Europe.

Find what? Nothing.

Fine. Whatever. No more phrasing.

First lieutenant Sato Kentaro.

First of all, Lana, I didn't waltz in here,

First of all, Pam, shut up.

Flight 934, to Greenbay, Wisconsin.

Flower box.

Follow me.

For a free drink if you're a lady, so...

For a second, I thought you were Lana.

For A.J. and me.

For dropping those truth bombs.

For gay Republicans? That's a thing?

For God's sake, man, it has no sleeves.

For graduation.

For hurting her feelings.

For literally the dumbest guy in Russia?

For meat or Cyril's priapism? Both.

For moving to New York City.

For my shower at home.

For the love of God, will you just

For the love of God, woman!

For the millionth and last time,

For the TB 800 A.K.A. Cyberneddly Teddly.

For those of you who don't speak German, that means...

For two separate sessions of 80 uninterrupted minutes each

For weakness. The price is the price.

For your information, Lana... I skimmed it.

For?

From "half ass" to "quadruple ass."

From murdering each other is a lack of access to firearms.

From single a ball

From um from one of the other climbers.

From what? Your mom's antique vagina?

Gaping asshole.

Gentlemen, I'm afraid you mistake my hospitality

Get down! You're not my supervi !

Get help how? It's a toaster.

Get it, Archer?

Get it, get it, get it before it gets on me!

Get the computer, blow up the plane with C 4,

Get used to bananas!

Get your own goddamn bear claw!

Get your shit together, man.

Getting stuck in elevators?

Getting stuck in elevators?

Gimme that. Put it down.

Give me... Get away!

Go get help, boy.

Go, go, go, go, go!

God dammit!

God dammit! Let me go!

God dammit! Where the hell is it?

God damn it, Archer!

God damn it, Archer! I am not giving you a blowjob!

God damn it!

God damn it!

God damn it!

God damn it!

God damn it! Why are you going up?

God damn, son of a cyborg bitch!

God I love poker night.

God, finally. Okay, that's eight rounds,

God, is one last non malarial hurrah

God, okay, final offer, ten thousand baht,

Goddammit, it's not my ears! What?

Goddammit.

Goddammit.

Goddammit...

Goddamn, dude! Dude!

Good luck with your... hate cards?

Good to see some fellow Americans.

Good. Why are you here in the first place?

Goodbye.

Got three on the hip, I need four for the weekend.

Gott I'm Himmel... Dio mio...

Growrrrf!

Guerillas, I think, Chinese and Malays.

Guess I should get in there and break that up.

Guess we can go ahead and use my suit pants.

Guten Abend.

Guys, be ready to pull on my command!

Guys, come on. Knock it off, please.

Guys, get the napkins! Okay, let's just take it down a n

Ha!

Ha!

Ha! Because you also need my help.

Ha! Elaborate God damn it!

Had to get more Tom for the Collins

Hai, okay.

Halo!

Hang on Lana, hush.

Hang on, did she really?

Hang on, I'm coming!

Hang on!

Hang on! I'm saying hang on!

Hang on! What are you, deaf?

Hang on.

Hang on. Yeah, literally, that a giant hand has turned my dial

Hang on...

Hang on... No.

Hardened, keycard, and retinal scan entry.

Has Had

Has paid with his life.

Hatsumi?

Hatsumi.

Hatsumi...

Have you at least baby proofed this place?

Have you seen Archer?

He and Pam are at her sister's wedding.

He can't. Wha

He could soak up some of these bullets.

He kidnapped your sister, you jerk!

He literally stabbed me in the back!

He said

He set himself up in Europe as some kind of arms dealer.

He stole everything!

He was gonna sell the disk to the Soviets.

He's in here, you ritzy ditz!

He's making toast! I want to see!

He's the target! What?

Hell hath no fury, huh? Meaning?

Hello! Can you hear me?

Hello! Hello!

Hello?

Hello? I can barely hear you.

Hello.

Here?

Here.

Here. Have a cold... Wow.

Here's all the VJ day parades in America.

Here's some flyers.

Here's The Bad News Bears Go to Japan.

Here's you guys signing the surrender on the USS Missouri.

Here's...maybe six ounces of Bourbon.

Herr Hessler? Ze peak... of death.

Hey guys...

Hey, but slow down, though, we're, hey !

Hey, English, good.

Hey, freaky bigtime!

Hey, hey, now, listen to me, all right?

Hey, it's me, quick question

Hey, remember that time you broke some of my ribs?!

Hey, there's this new thing we have

Hey, track suit,

Hey, we are leaving in five, so

Hey, what's Milton doing? What do you

Hey, whoa!

Hey, whoa! Are guns really necessary?

Hey, you know what?

Hey, you know what? Besides how to dress like an adult?

Hey, you!

Hey, you.

Hey!

Hey! Enough, you two!

Hey! Guys, come on! Hey! Get your hands o

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Lana.

Hey! Remain calm. Do not panic.

Hey! What the shit, woman?

Hey! You're not the boss of me!

Hey.

Hey. Shh.

Hey...

Hijos de puta! Conmigo estan

Him and He and...

Hint of creme de menthe, and peppermint schnapps.

Hired a manny. Hey, I'm... Manny.

Hm? Oh, Takamori.

Hm.

Hmm.

Hmm. I want to say...

Hmm. Okay. But then we go with my plan.

Holy shit, I gotta wash that down.

Holy shit, is that really an

Holy shit!

Holy shitsnacks! What the Pam?

Horatio Kane. God damn it.

How about a Oh, wait by heads up,

How about a big hand for Pyle, gang?

How about cirrhosis?

How can I relax while we are at war?

How could you possibly be that excited

How did you even know I was here?

How did you get where are you?

How do you still have two hands?

How either, in this universe,

How exactly is this supposed to work?

How hard can it be?

How hard is it to remember gum?

How is it common sense that she thinks I want to masturbate?

How long have you been on this island?

How long was I out?

How scary this was for me.

How to grow actual bear tissue to cover it

How would you know when to jump?

How's the water?

Huddle up, and hang on tight!

Huh, I mean, I'm not a doctor,

Huh!

Huh?

Huh? Hm?

Huh? Oh, yeah.

Huh? Oh. No. No, no. Just that one phrase.

Huh? Yeah. Oh, sorry.

Huh.

Huh. I guess you had that coming.

Huh. I think I got a blowjob out here once.

Huh. Maybe?

Huh. Probably why that night in a Karachi whorehouse

Huh. That makes way more sense.

Hurry up, dammit! Get in your tent,

Hurry up, ya ding dongs!

Hypothermia.

I Ah! I am out of here.

I And if you did I don't wanna know!

I As in "beeswax," Lana.

I however you normally do it.

I I am blocking this number!

I no, I don't, and also, shut up

I that you the that

I that is what I'm doing now.

I why do you want it?

I wow, so you'd ask Krieger

I also have extreme claustrophobia.

I am gonna re hit that.

I am in fairly desperate need of medical attention.

I am not ridin' bitch in this tent!

I am not.

I am now going to feed our child.

I am sans bars. Yeah, you're not gonna get a signal.

I am the world's greatest secret agent.

I am way stronger than you.

I am, actually.

I am, if you'd shut up.

I am, obviously! If you'd shut up!

I am?

I am. It's not doing anything.

I asked everybody, even Krieger.

I assume from the jungle.

I assume on the back of my toilet.

I assume that was a sports analogy meant to be cutting,

I assume you're familiar with the brown note?

I believe the phrase you're searching for

I believe there was some mention

I bet he's just on the C.D.L.

I bet I won't.

I call 'em "Mike and Vikes."

I call it a Peppermint Patty.

I called immigration, tried to get his father deported.