Archer - Season 2 Edit

A nightmare is sharing a room with your mother, who expects me...

A.k.a. The Human Torch, Lana? Duh.

Ahem. We've posted losses for 15 straight quarters so...

All the wind from the driving, Archer. My hands are really burning.

All these idiots think about is sex.

And as luck has it, there is some chilling in mein suite.

And I didn't touch her, Lana, so there's no reason to be jealous.

And I have good news.

And I want to convince him to invest in ISIS.

And if you don't believe me, fine.

And if you ever breathe a word of this, I will gut you like a carp.

And it's so hard to make friends.

And it's something a grown up does when he loves another grown up.

And literally, the minute you turn 18, please call me, but...

And only because this is a medical emergency.

And speaking of, that bay rum really burns on the... Oh!

And that is just it for today on people calling me a freaking pig.

And these are my top agents, who are ready to lay down their lives...

And this is Conrad Schlotz.

And until ISIS gets in the black, we all have to make some sacrifices so...

And we're out of gas. Fantastic.

And yet here you stand...

Anka is all I have in the world since her mother passed away.

ANKA: How is your Wilhelm? Aah!

ANKA: I'm doing it like you said.

ANKA: Like this?

ANKA: Papa, he lured me. ARCHER: What?

ANKA: Probably better than you. Yeah?

ANKA: That's no fun. Oh, for ****'s sake.

Another perfect example of your reductive reasoning.

Archer, we are safe now, ja?

Archer, you must save me.

ARCHER: Are you kidding? LANA: Come on.

ARCHER: First the towels, now this. LANA: Come on.

ARCHER: Hey, that's right in my ear, so...

ARCHER: No. This is completely unacceptable.

ARCHER: Wait. No, no, Anka. Bad touch.

ARCHER: Who obviously needs someone on her constantly.

Are you going to throw that in my face the rest of my life?

Are you?

As some kind of snob or...

As the ski lift was coming, at the last minute, I jumped out of the way.

At this rate, I'll be reduced to wearing nutria.

Attempted ****, Lana, and that guy was running around like Johnny Storm.

Because you get strong arms growing up on a dairy farm.

Because you're insecure, so you overcompensate and come across as...

But even they smell better than your stupid plan.

But I really kind of doubt it.

But right now, I'm kind of drawing a blank

Can somebody please shut up that damn coyote?!

Can't I leave you two alone for even one hour without you going at it?

Carlito, he obviously did not mean to get set on fire.

CARLOS: Save your minutes.

CARLOS: That stinks. So don't smell it.

Chasing a billionaire while we could be surrounded by terrorists.

CHERYL: Line one for you. It's your furrier.

Clormatrazapam?

Come on.

Come on. She doesn't look like she's just turning 17.

Countess von Fingerbang.

CYRIL: Jeez. And let's just put a lid on it

Did you come in first the same weekend I attended...

Do you think I need a boob job?

Don't say it. I'm in enough pain.

Don't shoot the girl! We need her!

Don't smell it.

Dukes, I am gonna be in huge trouble.

Eight percent, across the board.

Enough. Now, then, this is a two prong operation.

Even though Sterling Archer is here in Gstaad...

Exactly. Plus Europeans use the metric system...

First thing when I get back, buying an electric razor.

For God's sake, Sterling, she's turning 17.

Getting a little local swelling?

God, I hate it when he's right.

God.

Going against an unknown number of radical terrorists...

Good idea, mi amor

Good thing that clip was empty. Oh, shit.

Good, you are here, Frau Archer.

Grip it hard as you can and twist the absolute shit out of it.

Guess we'll have to hike back.

Ha. I have seen dozens. Scores, even.

Hand over the girl, cochino.

Hang on.

Hello, razor. Welcome to the party.

Her father has forbidden Archer to go near her.

Herr Archer glaubt Anka is dirty sexy.

Herr Schlotz controls all of Europe's videotex services.

Herr Schlotz fears they may attempt a kidnapping...

Herr Schlotz isn't the intended victim. It's his daughter, Anka.

Herr Schlotz, are you in there?

Hey, Anka, relax. You're gonna be okay. We'll get you back to the hotel and...

Hey, what happens in Gstaad...

Holy shit. Did you see that?

Holy shit. Lana, look. That's the kidnapper I set on fire.

Honestly?

Hooray.

How romantic.

I am the perfect gentleman.

I bet you've never even gotten to second base.

I can't believe I let this happen.

I don't do that

I don't know, I'm not a developmental psychologist.

I don't know. I am from Germany, where the age of consent is 14.

I have to convince Schlotz to get in bed with ISIS...

I mean, cutbacks, I get it, but you cannot expect me to share a room with Ray.

I mean, I'm sure I've been in worse situations

I need to ask you a tiny...

I saved her life. Go ask that dick I set on fire.

I saved her life. I set a kidnapper on fire.

I should have asked myself the same thing about you two.

I swear, Anka, if I have to pull this snowmobile over...

I think that smell is them.

I trained so hard and so long.

I'm kidding. Anka, come on. You're gonna be a beautiful woman.

I'm not getting frostbite protecting some old German guy.

I'm sorry. I'm not used to such awful things.

In many ways, yes, but we can talk about that in bed.

It actually was a huge disappointment.

It won't be a problem to kidnap that bourgeois perrita.

It's just, um, my stitches.

It's like my breasts are on fire.

Ja, but if it does...

Jesus, get over it.

Jumpy, eh?

Just like you swore about a 90 pound schoolgirl raping you?

Just making a fresh batch of Green Russians.

Just stay out of my way.

L... So maybe not.

LANA: And are they drinking anti freeze? Let's hope.

LANA: Hey. I'll take care of it myself. Ow!

LANA: Oh, yeah? What...?

LANA: That guy? Who's never been on fire? He was, though. Lana, I swear

LANA: Unbelievable.

LANA: Whatever.

Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Lmmigrants. Cramming their lowriders full of free health care and snow.

Look at me.

Look, I'm serious. You need help.

Mah! Damn it.

MALORY: Herr Schlotz.

MALORY: You're damn lucky Anka convinced her father not to press charges.

Mama is gone, Papa is always at work. I just rot away at that boarding school.

Man, all this cow talk's making me thirsty for some milk.

Maybe mixed with borderline personality disorder?

Meaning I set one on fire?

Meaning you're a spoiled, rich, little lying brat who...

Mein God, woman. Can't you not read?

Months of preparation ruined. How could you be so stupid?

Mother, you know what he's implying, right?

Mr. Archer, how familiar.

My plan requires three people. Three people who have faces!

No, I know. I'm not..

No, I was dating Lana, but since I suffer from sexual addiction...

No, just incredibly pissed off.

No, not romantic. Dangerous. Because it's gonna be dark soon so...

No, she does.

No, she looks like she's just turning 18.

No, we can't. Seriously, you have to...

No, we... Oh, my God.

No, you didn't, because I wasn't.

No, you got... Hang on a second.

No. Come on, Anka, seriously. You seriously gotta get out of here before...

No. No, I would not.

No. No.

Not to come near her again

Not without my glasses. I was hoping you could read this to me...

Now he gets to be the big hero who... Has no bullets.