Jon Benjamin Has a Van - Season 1 Edit

A chiste

A little late.

A real thing.

A van Shaped star door.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! The gun's hot!

Aah... aah.

About 20 minutes to think about it.

About my drug business!

About the world's most photographed baby

About where most of this is coming from

Absolutely

After countless surgeries even the best doctors

After falling into the feeder of a grain thresher,

Ah!

Ah! Get down!

Ah.

All day long.

All i can say is, god made man

All i could tell you is when god made man

All of you.

All right, i want everyone to gear up,

All right, well, listen, this is how this works.

All right. Yeah, well, hold on a second.

All this and more

All this and more on tonight's

All this and more on tonight's jon benjamin has a van.

All this and more on tonight's jon benjamin has a van.

All:

Allora, is that so?

And according to the record,

And also, you're invited to our celebration,

And another installment of "ocd after dark. "

And around the back and sides too.

And eat all our goldfish.

And eyes.

And he sat there the entire time.

And hear his incredible story.

And i can show it to you. It's right there.

And i hope you'll soon join us

And i love it,

And i was, like, um...

And i would start screaming from being so scared.

And i'll deal with you later.

And if we need it back,

And it's changed my life.

And it's really the strangest feeling,

And it's sooner than you think.

And jargon loprax over here should have known better

And just thinking about going to war,

And moving on to the next platform,

And my first child was killed by los zetas.

And my job

And on tonight's exclusive interview,

And see the truth.

And smoke yourself to death.

And that's all you need to understand.

And that's what sets us apart.

And the main cause of this,

And the writing on it tells us your van may be the key.

And then i immediately passed out.

And then i'll take you out to dinner

And then it starts to get ugly.

And then they take room from us.

And this was by far the worst thing i'd ever seen.

And this was my response.

And those who do it are disgusting pigs,

And walked the whole way down the sidewalk.

And we already got it.

And we shoot here, and then you're on the show

And we talk to the youngest person

And wealthy real estate developers.

And when the opportunity arose

And who knows how long before they take that from us too?

And you can't tell me what to do.

And you give it to frank to smooth things over.

And you got burned. See that camera?

And you slept with her.

And your lame party and your cupcakes.

And, uh, i want to thank you for this interview.

And, um, he said something about iced tea,

Andiamo

Are avowedly christian,

Are biological offspring!

Are incorrect? Is that possible?

Are you going to see him?

Are you leaving?

Are you still smoking?

Arf arf arf arf arf arf.

As for our human visitor,

As long as catalina says it's okay

As you can see from the imprint,

As you're doing it.

Aside from immigrants, is litter.

At a high rate of speed,

At first little, little italy and little italy

At first, i denied these allegations,

At the actual border itself.

At the celebration.

At the top of her lungs.

At this time to the official reentry point.

Aw, it's not that secret.

Be careful with that, jon. That's some strong stuff.

Beautiful.

Because it's a little bit better.

Because there's never a moment

Because this drunkard...

Because two other people were there

Because we're about positive energy

Been supportive of your condition?

Before frank leaves, okay?

Before i was deployed to afghanistan.

Before you go to the bathroom.

Biological offspring bring unhappiness to us all!

Border!

Both: Yeah.

Both: "to eat the world's due...

Brigitte? Jon?

Bring him. Now.

Bring me a box of pizzelle.

Bross was basically flayed alive.

Buddy, you're still gettin' burned.

But for us in mezea ministries,

But i can tell you this.

But i have not forgotten the lives i've left behind.

But i never even knew there was a little, little italy.

But i'm asking you only one more time.

But it was good that we made love.

But juan benjamin is in the casa.

But just as little italy is being squeezed

But most people are unaware of an even more secret location

But now, you know, you've done so much in a year.

But now...

But one former government official

But roy allston of roy allston's hair supply

But thank you for

But thank you very much. No, it was my pleasure.

But the most penetrating evidence is the shroud.

But then we received this incriminating footage.

But we believe that he smoked a pipe.

But we could use your language skills

But we mustn't let ourselves be led through life by them.

But what other secrets does it hold?

But within christianity, there are many different sects,

But, uh, mr. Lockley passed away recently

By a solar flare!

By his military service.

By nebraskan reporter, greg devlin.

By outside forces,

By suddenly crossing one eye so that bross' face

By the grave and thee. "

By the news media,

Bye, gabriella.

Came into little italy like it came to regular italy,

Can be at each meal.

Can't believe this.

Careened into jargon loprax's transport,

Casablanca

Celebrities wanted in immediately.

Chief magistrate, we should be thanking my client.

Chris, marie,

Colonel?

Combined with the fact that there was an even more

Come!

Come.

Conspiracy theorists have long claimed

Currently on death row.

Cut him loose and give him a gun.

Dave, tell 'em.

Dave!

Despite the fact that we've been saturated

Did i, nathan?

Did jesus smoke a pipe?

Dirty, disgusting,

Do not get in that

Do the joke.

Do you feel remorse for what you did?

Do you have a second to discuss gay marriage?

Do you have a second?

Do you know it? Si, si.

Do you like wine?

Do you love him?

Doctor, tell us right now.

Don't be a stranger, jon.

Due to complications.

Each with their own distinct and unique set

Either don't have or choose not to acknowledge,

Every ounce of strength in my body

Every second.

Excuse me, sir, would you like to play cash stall?

Excuse me.

Excuse me. You got burned.

Fat! Irresponsible! Lazy!

Fine, yeah, i'll do it, um...

Follow Up.

For a period of six months.

For centuries, bald men have been using wigs

For doing the joke a year ago,

For me to actually own a pipe that jesus himself smoked from,

For my story about you.

For this world ends for everyone!

Frank palantino and his gang,

Frank palantino has some trouble

Frank palantino told me

Free to go.

Freedom man, huh?

From basic training?

From his interview that day.

From importing tiny prostitutes from italy.

From our consumer advocate ed sheath.

From our consumer advocate edward sheath.

From our intrepid undercover reporter.

From the corner with your helmet on.

From the pictures from that

From your incredible story.

Get in the van.

Get it?

Get the end of the world right every time.

Get the out of here with this.

Get those bags out of your eyes, okay?

Good luck.

Greg already struggles to maintain his composure.

Guess i'll lock up.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha!

Had you been drinking?

Hang on each and every decision i make.

Hang on!

Has long been rumored to harbor alien life Forms,

Has recently come forward

He acts like he's a saint, but he's a hypocrite.

He just pushed me over, sir, 'cause it's funny...

He showed clarity issues.

He was selling information to the f. B.I.

He's never done an on Camera interview before,

He's visiting from florida.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello. Mangia, mangia, you hungry?

Help me.

Help me.

Here in america, over 76% of the population

Here in guatemala...

Here on the compound of mezea ministries,

Here! Cover us!

Here. Here's gifts from america.

Here's looking at you, jon.

Here's me eating an ice cream cone.

Hey, can you look at this for a sec?

Hey, hon.

Hey, i'm, uh, i'm in chamber with that human

Hey, jon, you forget something?

Hey, who'd you talk to over there?

Hey, you seem pretty cool.

Hey... yeah.

Hi, hi. Sir, sir...

Hi, we're with you can't shoot here!

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Jon.

Highly Secured compound of el manta blanca,

His daughter makes them, so, uh...

His face was...

Hold on a sec.

Hold on one second.

How are you? I'm jon.

How did that happen?

How did you make it through till the end?

How do we know this?

How long you been working for nino?

However, in recent years,

I

I I just...

I I'm seeing me five years ago.

I I'm sorry. I

I am el manta blanca!

I appreciate it. Um...

I came through the star door from earth,

I came through the star door. I didn't see.

I can get in a load of trouble for that.

I can't believe you actually did it.

I can't guarantee that, though.

I can't hear you, so...

I can't stand papa.

I certainly didn't mean for you

I couldn't pass that up.

I didn't even comprehend

I don't even understand french.

I don't know if it's mozzarella or...

I don't know what he's saying, but i don't

I don't think it's

I don't want it.

I don't want to go through a star door.

I don't want to hit him.

I feared for my life

I feel like nicolas cage.

I figured. I thought that was

I go back and forth between you and nino.

I go back and forth between you and nino.

I got a lot of people want to rent out that back room.

I got my passport.

I had no idea. Guys, right?

I have so much to be thankful for here.

I have to go.

I have to pretend to be interested

I interviewed little italy

I just didn't feel like i wanted to deal with it there

I just dumped a ton of garbage in the street.

I just figured since... well, you know.

I just host a tv show. That's it.

I just like the way it sounds.

I know, that's what i'm trying to tell the guy.

I know.

I let myself go.

I liked it better

I live a waking dream!

I live for freedom.

I love pizelles, thanks.

I love you

I love you.

I made some iced tea. Ooh... oh.

I make the gesture to frank

I mean, i Not that i'm looking for it.

I mean, i'll just walk around and...

I mean, we both

I mean, we have a better producer

I mean, you know, they're lucky to have the back room.

I might just do that, if you don't mind.

I might stop off at the bar, though.

I need to ask you a couple of questions.

I really, really wish i could have passed out.

I think that if i was bald, i'd kill myself.

I thought that was good.

I trusted you with my little girl,

I used it to not run away.

I want all the guns on the street!

I was angry at first, but...

I was not in the war.

I wear a hairpiece.

I would like to request a mercy cube for my client.

I...

I'd ever experienced in my life.

I'd have to go all the way down there

I'll fight for you.

I'll I'll probably just come back

I'll make you laugh.

I'm a smoker.

I'm doing it right now, actually,

I'm doing the interview.

I'm edward sheath.

I'm glad i don't do this anymore.

I'm glad you came to see me, jon.

I'm going on In, uh, on the On, uh, email.

I'm going on web.

I'm gonna be your counsel

I'm gonna come with you.

I'm here to help you guys.

I'm here to see rob. A friend.

I'm jon benjamin from america.

I'm jon.

I'm just gonna walk...

I'm okay. Leo, no, come with me.

I'm out of bullets!

I'm saying, were you in a firefight or...

I'm serious. It's $100 if you

I'm smoking.

I'm so sorry, jon.

I'm sorry about

I'm sorry we didn't have any wine.

I'm sorry, you're in a meeting.

I'm sorry. You lost cash stall.

I'm the host of cash stall.

I'm totally free now.

I've become a very important man, as you can see.

I've been so pumped full of drugs,

I've begun to notice it looks more and more filthy,

I've done a lot of stories in my life,

I've found love, all because i smoke.

If i spoke to her then.

If you wanna come and help.

If you're convicted it's, you know, immediate execution,

If you're watching this right now,

In 2008, 32 year old farmer bross lockley

In 2009 he was interviewed

In a few hours, earth will be destroyed.

In all this nonsense they jabber to me about.

In america someday!

In america, you became little, little italy.

In human history.

In the bathroom.

In the case of the star door accident.

In the end, we commissioned most of them as officers.

In the face of adversity.

In the face of great adversity.

In the guitarist from metallica's house.

In the states.

In the town of la frontera comalapa.

In the world couldn't repair

In to see me, she screamed at the top of her lungs.

Including the only pipes

Including yours, my friend.

Indeed, i do.

Into guatemala,

Involved in top Secret operations.

Is a star door, a portal to another galaxy.

Is an offense punishable by death.

Is it in danger of disappearing altogether?

Is slightly blurred.

Is that a bald spot,

Is that sometimes it just gets very hard...

Is that the wife?

Is the back room of this deli.

Is there really such a thing as star doors?

Is there really such a thing as star doors?

Is to house extraterrestrial life Forms,

It also had other markings on it,

It is here on this most hallowed of land

It took me so long to put my life back together.

It was funny.

It was It was juvenile, and i'm sorry it happened.

It was like being in a dream.

It'll come off by itself, end up down the drain.

It's 9:00 a. M. Anyway.

It's a celebration.

It's a joke, rocco.

It's funny what happens, no?

It's happening tonight.

It's not important.

It's ours to take.

It's pretty.

It's quite clear that he smoked a pipe.

It's still almost impossible to communicate the horrors

It's stupid.

It's the end of the world, you know.

Jargon loprax, i hereby sentence you

Jesus christ, no!

Join us in the blessed sacrament that is

Jon benjamin has a van.

Jon benjamin.

Jon, come on.

Jon, could you please get my passport out of the van?

Jon, i understand your pain.

Jon, let me let you in on a little secret.

Jon, meet me at the compound.

Jon, tell 'em i I

Jon.

Juan?

Juan. What?

Just don't worry about nothing. I'm taking care of you.

Just like my barbecue sauce.

Just relax, let me handle this thing, okay?

Just so you know this has gotta be the last time

Just tell her we'll shoot around...

Just to get back into the states.

Kept the sign and the velvet ropes.

Killed them.

Killed those two offspring.

Killing his two offspring in the backseat of the car.

Killing two of his offspring.

Known to be in existence.

Known to have been smoked by jesus.

Large.

Let me explain.

Let's do it.

Let's drink all our punch

Let's eat.

Let's eat.

Like a fountain of youth.

Like a pile of raw chicken fat

Like specters from some lost civilization!

Like, a penis in their mouth.

Like, we got you on camera the whole time

Listen, i got to take this call.

Listen, jon, we can do this

Listen, you don't worry about nothing, okay?

Little italy and little, little italy?

Little italy has shrunk dramatically.

Little italy is coming!

Little italy remains one of new york city's

Little, little italy started.

Lived, studied, and smoked his pipe.

Log on.

Look at you all in your stupid white robes

Make love to me, then leave.

Make love to me.

Make me an egg.

Make sure that you take two pills a day.

Many soldiers return with life Altering injuries.

May i take your picture?

Maybe the world did end a little bit each time.

Maybe they weren't.

Me.

Most infamous drug lords.

Most of the time, they weren't fooling anybody.

Most of this information has been declassified now,

Much better.

Much of it has been absorbed by neighboring china town,

My client came from earth through the star door

My father...

My father...

My natural hair is so perfect

Need you looking good tomorrow.

Neighborhood association president frank palantino.

Nice. Oh, yeah.

Nightmare.

No offense, but... they're sort of silly looking.

No one's gonna know that hair's not real.

No problemo, guys. It's a joke.

No, i mean i'll call her,

No, no, no, no...

No, we all go through life with selfish desires,

No.

No. No.

Nobody's arguing those facts.

None of which All right, look,

Not that i need the calories.

Nothing. That was stupid.

Notice the trash can 15 feet away.

Now consisting of only a few new york city blocks.

Now my daughter, she make delicious italian cookies.

Now take a pill.

Now you help me!

Obviously, thank you for, uh

Of actually being there.

Of italy called "little italy. "

Of new york city is getting smaller and smaller.

Of rituals and beliefs.

Of the disfigured farmer about her experience

Oh Ooh.

Oh, did i mention they were female bios?

Oh, god

Oh, god!

Oh, great.

Oh, it's lovely down there. Yeah.

Oh, joy!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Oh, nino asked me

Oh, right.

Oh,.

Oh!

Ohh! Switch!

Ohhh!

Okay, i need you to be honest with me.

Okay, okay, guys.

Okay, okay.

Okay? You get some rest.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Well

Okay. All right. You can hear?

Okay. I'm mosham.

Okay. Well then, you two guys can get out of here.

Old friend.

On net.

On the contrary, they got it absolutely right.

On the other side of the star door.

On the show. Sure.

On tonight's jon benjamin has a van.

One is in an abbey in genoa, italy.

One of the western hemisphere's

One of the world's most secretive military bases.

One year later we went down to mexico

Onto transport lane 57 and collided with jargon loprax,

Ooh.

Or is it actually a solar panel for a sex machine?

Our exclusive interview

Our exclusive interview

Out of the van right now.

Over here.

Ow.

Perhaps this video will better explain.

Pizzelle con la macchina.

Please the court.

Please, amigo. Su pasaporte.

Pleasure to meet you. Enjoy your stay.

Pleasure was mine.

Plus a special "shame on me" report

Plus, a special report

Pointing to the fact that jesus smoked a pipe,

Premiere tourist destinations.

Previously we did a story about border security,

Private nathan glaser is one such soldier

Probably still smell 'em.

Pushed me over the border

Raise a foot if you believe me!

Really cool to meet you.

Really wants to advertise.

Recently, we received a number of complaints

Relax. I'm doing great.

Reverend rocco janson says he has a special insight.

Right at this moment, i'm driving into area 51,

Right here's good, guys.

Rob Rick, rick.

See before we came here, uh, we lived in an area

See if i can pick up some girls.

See the camera? Ohh!

See the camera? Okay.

See what we got.

See, little italy starts to shrink

Sex with.

Shame on me.

Shame on me.

Shame on me.

Shame on me.

She can make her own decisions!

She screamed

She's a full Grown woman,

She's so small.

Si, si.

Since i moved into my new neighborhood,

Since then we use it when big tourists

Sir?

So i have to cover it.

So i need to know who was driving the car.

So i'll do as i please,

So it's, like, a million light Years from here, right?

So many of us came to america to have a better life.

So not the best.

So thank you for being here, nathan.

So we burned you.

So we got you. Very good.

So we'll just do the story,

So we're done, man.

So you got 34 new messages this morning?

So you offer more realistic Looking toupees?

So, george, how can we help you?

Somewhere in the keenan system.

Sorry, fellas.

Sorry, what? "Casa" what?

Sorry.

Stay here, and, you know, space is a premium, so...

Suffered a horrible accident

Sure, it was hard to make a living first,

Taking your picture all the time.

Telling the story of where it came from.

Than to harbor biological offspring in his transport.

Than you ever were,

Thank you very much...

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks a lot, tom. See you, derrick.

That a young jesus of nazareth

That area 51's main purpose

That bross had suffered.

That jesus christ smoked a pipe.

That killed those, uh, kids.

That little italy has always just let little, little italy

That people think it's a hairpiece,

That was a movie.

That was That was...

That's hot.

That's me! Yeah!

That's That's my joke, you ass!

That's the law.

The answer is yes.

The are a myriad of theories on how and when it will happen.

The breeding of biological offspring

The church of the pipe of christ.

The cloth draping that wrapped the body of jesus

The doctors think it started in basic training.

The door might not remain open very much longer.

The end of the world is a horrifying, uh,

The extent of damage to my body.

The game cash stall? Wait.

The historic little italy section

The horrendous deformities

The is the interview man i told you about.

The joke.

The journey you're about to embark on

The moment i met him.

The most useless bios of them all.

The other pipe is here

The show you can't shoot here!

The smoke must be getting in the way of the signal.

The sweet and the smoky,

The top secret area 51

The tricky part was getting them through clearance.

Then you accuse me of being a fraud.

There is no entry here. No pasada aqui.

There's no question about it.

There's no tomorrow, i promise.

There's no way to determine what to expect

There's the camera right there. Okay.

They don't consider pre Traumatic stress disorder

They don't get it.

They shot the tire out!

They themselves are squeezing out someone else.

They're bios. It's case closed.

They're coming!

They're gone, aren't they?

They're gonna try to wipe us out.

They're more interesting than you.

They're so small.

They're so...

Things happen all the time.

Thinks he can change all that.

This area right here is the Yeah?

This bad blood.

This clarity Deficient earth idiot...

This cube clarity analysis disallowed.

This human came through the star door

This is all bull.

This is me! Every inch i loathe!

This is my daughter gabriella.

This is not mississippi where the age of consent is 12.

This next one's hard to believe.

This reverend claims to know exactly when the world will end,

This, um, pizelles. Pizelles?

Thousands of lives

Throw cigarettes at people

Time is money. Let's go.

To america entrado, okay? We'll see you back

To check in on rob and see how he was doing.

To death by execution, effective immediately.

To disguise their hair loss.

To give you this.

To have to live in mexico for a year.

To know exactly when the world will end.

To make things right.

To tell you to shut your mouth.

Today.

Top Secret discotheque

Trish!

Uh Huh. Yes.

Uh, benjamin.

Uh, cara, gabriella, bella,

Uh, i have a tv show.

Uh, we all get along.

Uh, we could make love.

Um, in brooklyn.

Um, stay with me.

Um, you're not gonna

Uncovered a relic which bore hieroglyphics

Unlike most, he claims with certainty

Until now.

Very awkward.

Very nice. Yes.

Wait till my wife gets a load of this.

Wait. Wait.